- Chapter 20 -
Frigga leaned forward; gaze fixed on the screen. Odin was still impassive, stoic, and calm. Her left hand was held tight in his right hand, her right hand was held over her chest. While it looked, to anyone else, that his wife was holding onto him for strength, this was only partly true. Odin could feel the soothing thrum of Frigga's seidr so near him. The feel of her hand in his, the knowledge that she was close, lent him strength. He would borrow as much strength as he could because he was going to need it. Odin knew what Stark meant when he said, "third attempt." My son, why? I've always loved you. Were you truly so miserable in my Noble House? There was never anything but a pleasant calm in Loki's seidr, nothing to give this terrible secret away. Had he known then he would've done something. Sitting the boy down and finding out what was making him so unhappy would've been the first thing he did. Both his children were precious to him. The thought of one of his sons being so unhappy that he might harm himself was appalling. Loki letting go at the edge of the Bifrost still gave him blood curdling nightmares. That it might have happened more than once was causing a sort of shock he'd honestly never dealt with. No matter how hard he tried, there was a part of Odin's mind that couldn't force itself to believe this happened. The sky suddenly changing colors would be easier to deal with. Truly, Odin couldn't understand why this happened. It made no sense because he just couldn't reconcile it with the boy he raised and knew for almost twelve hundred years.
In this hard moment Frigga held tight to her husband. As little as she approved at Stark's overbearing demands, she still wanted to know what Loki was about to say. It angered her that Stark was bullying this from her son. This should've come to her. Her son should've come to her. That her son was not only so miserable that he'd harmed himself but didn't trust her enough to share this with her brought her a type of pain that Frigga had never felt before. It was deep and terrible, bringing with it an urge to put her arms around her son and apologize. Her beautiful boy was gone from her, and she wanted him back with every fiber of her being. That couldn't happen yet. All she had at the moment was an image of Loki, a forced echo playing from a mortal machine. This wasn't her son, but she leaned forward with rapt attention anyway. These were her son's words. Until she was released, they were the closest she could get to Loki.
Despite Thor's stomach calming significantly since earlier, it was turning sour again. Third attempt? How many times, Little Brother? The guilt was becoming almost unbearable. How did he not notice? Why did it happen? Thor suspected he knew, with ever increasing guilt, why Loki hadn't come to him. Anger filled his gaze as he looked at his companions. He'd let them treat his brother with such callousness. He even joined them many times, laughing at his brother's concerns. He failed at being an Elder Brother. The magnitude of that failure had already begun to eat at him. Rhodes words whispered through his thoughts again, "He didn't uplift his brother." He wanted to leave now. Thor wanted to find his brother, to embrace him and set things right. Did I assist in driving him to madness, and in this madness he committed terrible crimes. Thor didn't want to know more. He didn't want to be shown how this appalling failure happened. No, I won't run. I owe it to Loki to see this through. When this is done, Little Brother, then I'll come to find you, and you and I will set things right somehow.
This is not the place to air such things, that was still his opinion. Frey sighed quietly. He already knew they were keeping things from him. It was the dark days they refused to speak of. This at least gave him an answer to a particular curiosity. At a bare minimum, Anthony knew the basics of what Loki did to herself. He kept his chin up, his shoulders back. This wasn't how he thought his beloved sister should find out. At least Loki was able to tense before it hit. Frey always knew what he was looking at when he saw Loki do it. He was grateful that his beloved niece was practicing what he'd taught her. It gave him hope that perhaps his beloved sister wouldn't discover what bargain her son made that her daughter was living with. He could already hear the grief flowing out of her seidr. Knowing Loki's bargain would only heighten it. It grieved him to hear her grief. He set that aside for later. I'll have some ale when I get home, think over what aid she'll need then. Frey already suspected that he was going to have to do more than just talk her through it. He wasn't sure what more would be needed that he could do. His musings were interrupted by Clint Barton. The expression on the agent's face drew his attention. It was troubled and worried, but not in need of a weave or spell yet. It was clear that this was challenging what he thought he knew, and that the agent didn't like that. Good, his behavior shouldn't be so heartless towards Loki.
The sudden widening of Clint's eyes gave away his thoughts on what he was seeing. He was far more unsettled by what Tony just said than he was comfortable with. He liked the thought of Loki dying. He very much disliked the thought of Lilith being in danger and genuinely disapproved of the thought that Lilith might have tried to hurt herself. Those thoughts collided to leave him in a continuing state of being unsettled. It was particularly bitter that he still had a desire to talk to Lilith about all of this.
.-.-.-.
"My first attempt was made in the summer. Summers were always the worst. Every year was the same. The summer would begin, the temperature would rise. I grew increasingly sick as it did. Patches of my skin became terribly dry and itchy. I scratched until I was bleeding. The rest of my skin was flushed with the heat so that even inside I was red and burned. I was constantly nauseous and vomiting. I could barely eat. I lost so much weight in the summer. Even cool water wouldn't stay in my stomach. I disliked the visions the most," Loki's eyes unfocused for a moment as her mind wandered back to those sickly days. The humiliation of them hardly faded over the long years.
"I saw the heat sweltering up off the ground. I saw fire. It was everywhere I walked. I was on fire. My blood was boiling in my veins. My flesh was reddening and peeling away. I often stayed in my chambers, keeping them darkened. If I tried to stand, I normally fainted. When staying in my chambers wasn't enough, when I began losing too much weight, then I was taken to the healing rooms. The healers submersed me in a pool of enchanted icy water that healed my wounds while keeping me cool. Sometimes I would stay there for days at a time."
.-.-.-.
"Heatstroke?" Bruce said suddenly. High body temperature, altered mental state, nausea and vomiting, fainting, and flushed skin. So many of the most common symptoms, that must be it, he thought. Having spent many months in India he was well acquainted with it.
"Bruce?" Steve asked. His friend's comment was sudden and slightly jolting.
"What Loki is describing, it's heatstroke. Basically, it when someone is so overheated that they begin to be cooked alive by their own body heat," Bruce stopped to consider, "It's honestly a wonder that Loki is mentally functional, or even alive, if he suffered severe heatstroke every summer. His internal organs should have shut down." Bruce was sure Steve had seen it, but it was probably called something else in his day.
"Cooked ...alive," Thor looked despondently at the floor. That wasn't how he wanted to think of what happened to his Little Brother.
Seeing fire? Frey took in the information with interest. He was already well-aware of Loki's problems with the heat. Frigga had written to him many times on it. He'd seen and healed the damage from it himself. Too bright? Is that what the burn scarring was? He still needed to speak with her about her eyes. He still needed to know how it was hidden. There were days when he thought that he might have taught Loki how to hide things a little too well.
.-.-.-.
"And this happened every summer?" Tony asked. He rubbed absently at his back before letting it go. That ache was going nowhere.
"Yes, every summer for the first three hundred and two years," Loki nodded
"302? Your eyes?" Tony put the two together almost immediately.
A small smile crossed Loki's face. She loved how quickly Tony's understanding leaped from one thing to another, connecting things properly so that Loki didn't have to explain the trivial or obvious. It was with no small amount of chagrin that she acknowledged this same ability was what led to their conversation. "Yes."
Wanting to get it over with as soon as possible, Loki pressed forward. "I was three hundred and forty years old when it happened, when I made my first attempt." Her fingers itched to fidget with something, so she picked at the hem of her shirt.
"It was towards the end of that summer. I tried and failed. The week that followed my failure was long and painful. Suicide is such an immense personal catastrophe in the Elder Realms that I worried over what I'd done being discovered. Fortunately, I was able to feign heat sickness well enough to keep prying eyes away, but not so well as to be taken to the healing rooms. A weak glamour gave my skin a blush. Sticking mostly to my chambers or library, away from those prying eyes made sure that no one was the wiser. At least, that's what I was naive enough to believe," Loki looked away briefly, then back again. The embarrassment was still uncomfortably sharp. "I didn't fool Uncle Frey."
"If everyone thought it was just the heat, then how did Frey find out?" Tony felt the beginnings of a new guilt. If Frey saw Loki through those days, then he owed his wife's uncle more than he could ever repay. He owed him an apology at the very least. A long overdue one at that.
After a quick moment of hesitation Loki proceeded. "There is an ability that the vast majority of sentient beings possess. It's a widely-overlooked ability because it's so commonly used. Frey's ability to perform this task is poor. There is a part of his mind that is damaged, and thus he performs this task poorly. It's not to say that he doesn't or can't, simply that he does so poorly. This very lack of proficiency is one of the things which makes my uncle so very dangerous." Loki smiled when she thought of all the times she thought she'd fooled Frey. How very foolish she was. "Frey's ability to simply assume something is damaged."
Tony raised an eyebrow and stroked his goatee. He has a hard time assuming things? Not many assumptions. It's what I suspected then. "So, Frey doesn't normally fill in what he doesn't know, he just accepts that he doesn't know?" It doesn't sound intentional though, like an unconscious reflex?
Her husband was close in his summation, but not perfect. Loki shook her head. "Everything is a possibility until it can be proven or disproven. Very few of his decisions are based on anything other than firm knowledge and evidence. Frey rarely ever gambles, and when he does it's only after he's taken a thorough look at historical trends. Even his gambles are based on patterns that he's discovered. Truly, he's not gambling so much as he's expecting that a pattern will continue to be a pattern based on the pattern's strength and number of repetitions. His decisions, choices, answers, and actions are almost always based in what he can prove or can be proven to him. Frey doesn't trust people, he trusts proof." Her voice dwindled away to a near whisper, "It's a scar he bears from the war. He learned the hard way that assumption can be the worst flaw of all."
"Borr's fault then," Tony nodded. Many of Frey's foibles were Borr's responsibility in his opinion.
"Yes," Loki hated discussing this with Tony now as much as she had when she'd first regaled him with the tale of just how tangled her family truly was.
.-.-.-.
As Frey's eyebrow arched his head tilted slightly to the side. Just what have you been telling him, my dear?
A scowl crossed Odin's face aimed at the screen. Stark seemed to know far more than he ought to. Loki clearly told him. He couldn't tell how much Loki knew. Not nearly enough for him to be worried about, that was for sure. No one could know. That was why the truth was buried so deep that no one could find it. Odin gripped his wife's hand just a little tighter.
This interested Natasha as well. A personal catastrophe, like a personal failure? Loki's explanation made Thor's earlier reaction to Fandral's comment sensible. Duty, respect, and honor were paramount in Asgardian culture. A failure of any of those was inexcusable to them. As she connected them in her mind, she realized what Loki must have meant. Duty, honor, respect. Suicide probably isn't just one person's failure. It's probably everyone they're connected to. It's the failure of an entire family. The failure of the Royal Family of Asgard, an immense catastrophe in the loss of its honor. That explained why Thor claimed responsibility for it. He genuinely meant it when he said that it was his duty to protect Loki. Respect had come into play when Fandral spoke without thinking. By trying to excuse the failure, Fandral had inadvertently been extremely disrespectful. It was enough to warrant Thor attacking him. Natasha would inform Director Fury of it when this was done. It would all go into the growing file on the Asgardians. What Loki said about King Frey would also go into the file, as well as anything she observed from him during this meeting. An intelligent, quick witted and observant person who made few assumptions was a dangerous individual. Those coupled with his ability to use magic meant that he was someone they needed to know more about.
.-.-.-.
"It takes unusual circumstances for him to stop thinking, to simply assume something," Loki said quietly. She knew what it took. She'd been feeding him misinformation for centuries. Amma was displeased over that.
"Yeah, I know what it takes to get him to stop thinking," Tony chuckled darkly.
"Yes, I suppose you do." Loki pursed her lips; a slight flush colored her cheeks. She was still slightly irritated with him that it happened. His admission of fault afterwards was why she let it go. Tony knew he behaved poorly and hadn't done it again. His vile 'toys' hadn't come out on Vanaheim since that. That he'd actively pursued friendship with her uncle afterwards was more than enough for her. They would do well together for many more years to come, even when she'd left them all behind.
.-.-.-.
Frigga raised in eyebrow at that. She wanted to know what Stark meant by that. There was irritation in Loki's face and a grim look in Stark's eyes. There was something there. Just a second before she turned around to ask Frey what Stark meant, she stopped herself. She still didn't want to deal with her brother unless she absolutely had to. However, she wanted to know what Loki meant that Frey kept him alive. There were many things that she knew Frey kept from her. All of them made her angry.
Frey looked down at the table and firmly set aside the embarrassment of having that even tangentially mentioned. His seidr pulled in again until he ached with it. He truly didn't want his sweetling to know about that. Both he and Anthony were fools that day. His foolishness becoming known was a mortifying prospect since he was still mortified by what he'd done.
An arched eyebrow gave away Natasha's thoughts, a little smile came with it. That's an interesting statement. Something happened between Stark and King Frey. It irritated Loki. She wanted to know what it was. Stark might have had magic, but the King was more powerful than Thor, and possibly Thor's mother. That ruled out violence but left Stark's propensity for running his mouth long after he should be silent. It was something she watched the Director struggle with. Since Stark couldn't hurt King Frey, maybe the King smacked Stark for running his mouth, and Loki is irritated at him for provoking it, she wondered. Whatever happened, it was another interesting something she wanted to know more about.
.-.-.-.
"While everyone else just assumed you were sick again, because you we're sick so often, he looked at the facts at the time," Tony liked that he was understanding what he'd seen. While he didn't like the reason itself, he did like that there was a reason besides bizarre paranoia for many of Frey's actions. Having a hard time being able to assume, having a hard time taking something on faith seemed like a bad way to live. You took things on faith and she talked her way around you, Stark. Good job. Tony frowned at the ache throbbing as it was, as if it were agreeing with him. Ok, maybe not so bad after all.
"Just so." Loki walked out of the kitchen and around to the end of the counter where Tony was sitting. She hopped up to sit on it then scooted over until she was sitting on the counter next to where Tony was sitting. "It was a week after it happened that Uncle Frey came to Asgard for the Gathering of Lords."
"What's a Gathering of Lords?" Tony asked. More for me to burn? He had a long list of people he wanted to burn. Adding more to that list wasn't a problem. It was just more kindling to the fire. He burned, so they would too. Some sooner than others. By the time he was done it would all burn.
"It's a gathering that happens once a century. All the Lords of the Elder Realms as well as the most prominent Lords and Ladies of the Noble Houses gather in Asgard to discuss issues of great importance to the Nine Realms. This one fell on the week after my first attempt. I'd spent the week feigning illness," Loki spoke quietly, not wanting to speak at all.
"Despite that fact that it was scorchingly hot, I didn't leave my room in anything less than full formal wear. My skin blistered up under my clothing. Mother told me not to wear such warm things. I said that I didn't wish to be dressed casually when so many of the Noble Houses of the Nine Realms were visiting. Even though I wasn't going to be attending the gathering, I would still be seen in the hallways of the palace." Loki rubbed at the inside of her left wrist. She still remembered the shine of the knife as it slid through her flesh. She startled when Tony reached over and took her hand in his. His seidr pulsed out into her. Safe with me, Stay with me, it whispered to her.
"She just accepted that?" he asked as he let her hand go.
.-.-.-.
Frigga remembered that conversation. She remembered being proud of her son for wanting to present a regal front to the visiting Lords and Ladies despite being so ill. Never did she think that there might be a different, darker reason behind Loki's choice. It was Loki's earnest smile and serious demeanor that convinced her. Once again, it was the calm in her son's seidr that settled her. That serenity hid something dark and violent from her. Why wouldn't he tell me?
.-.-.-.
"Of course. Decorum is a mask I've hidden behind most of my life. Decorum and the proper appearance of royalty are the masks worn by anyone in a Noble House. She had no reason to question my decision," Loki was sanguine her place in Asgard, she held no delusions.
"No reason? No reason! How about the fact that she's your mother? She had an obligation to make sure you were alright. And what about Thor, did she have an obligation to him?" it was his own acrimonious childhood that influenced Tony's anger. A parent neglecting or abusing their child was one of the few things that was certain to enrage him.
Loki gave Tony the same small smile she always gave him. In the beginning, she thought that if she kept explaining it that he would understand as she understood. She knew better now. There wasn't enough time to bring him to that understanding. "Tony, we aren't speaking of Thor. Odin made it clear to everyone that Thor is Odinson in all things. I was only ever Odinson in name, nothing more. I was never their child. I was a single-use tool found after the last battle of a bitter war. Over time I lost all use to them. They were kind enough to give me what they did. Frigga treated me with kindness when she had no reason to. They were under no obligation to do anything more than they did. Thor is Odin's child, not me. I never was."
