- Chapter 21 -
Recoiling back slightly, Frigga drew in a sharp breath at Loki's words. It wasn't the words that hurt as much as the way they'd been said. Loki had spoken with such surety. To her child, this was merely a fact accepted long ago without malice. Her hand tightened around her husband's until her knuckles turned white. Loki's words carried the weight of an honest opinion. They were a knife in Frigga's heart. Loki, I've always loved you. I thought you knew, I thought I made that clear to you. You don't even believe that I think of you as my own, let alone that I've always loved you. I failed you, my son.
There were many questions Frigga had that she wanted to ask her son. Why he wouldn't have come to her was at the forefront of them. The only thing this made clear was that her son's mind was indeed unbalanced from a young age. Once they'd retrieved Loki, she still hoped that they could, then he was going directly to the healers. There would be no trial because she wasn't going to permit it. It wasn't bitter to know that she'd have to argue with her husband over this. Odin always tried his best to uphold the law. It was something she was very proud of him for. On this matter, there would be no compromise. Her son was unwell. Frigga wasn't going to see him punished for that.
From the screen to his wife and back to the screen went Odin's gaze. He managed to keep his expression impassive, of that he was certain. He didn't want to show the tempest of emotion raging through him, didn't want anyone to see. It was with anger that he listened to Loki say that he was just a tool taken in war. He wanted to knock his son on the head, to make such foolish ideas fall out. "How long will you make your son wait?" Frigga's question was more valid than he wanted to believe. Anger turned swiftly to pain and bitterness. Frigga knew of his great pride in both his sons, he was angry when she openly challenged him. Was she right? Was she the only one who knew? If Loki doesn't even believe that I think of him as my son, how could he possibly think I've always loved him, always been proud. Did I fail so badly that my son cannot believe in my love for him? Cannot even believe himself my son? She said that Loki was waiting for him. Waiting for an affection that he would never feel. Is this why you let go, that day on the Bifrost? Did you simply give up? No, if you tried to die before that day, then you'd long since given up. How could I have allowed this to happen?
It was true that he took Loki for a purpose, a very important one. For a time, he even thought that he could re-solidify the ties between Asgard and Jotunheim through Loki. He planned to return the boy to health and then return him to Laufey as a peace offering. The babe served his purpose to Odin simply by coming home with him. He thought it would be easy enough to return the boy later on. That plan was abandoned over time as he came to love Loki as his own. Odin knew the beast within himself well. It was a savage thing that was willing to burn whole realms to protect what he loved. Even the thought of returning Loki to Laufey's care sent that beast into a howling frenzy. As he truly thought about what he was planning, it became a frenzy that he could agree with. Loki was Odin's son, no one else's. He remembered the day when he knew he couldn't go through with what he planned.
The healers were working while Odin stood out of the way watching. Loki was so ill as a child. Despite the constant sickness and pain, he was still such a gentle, joyful soul. He had a smile that could light an entire room. Loki honestly seemed happy just to be alive. Odin watched, and thought over his plans. He wondered what the right age would be to return Loki to Laufey. The beast within began howling and raging. A single thought crashed through his mind like rolling thunder. He is mine! He is mine and no one else's! The beast so rarely spoke, its voice was normally nothing more than a whisper. When it did speak he always listened. That day it was loud, almost like his own father's voice. The beast didn't have to rage long. His young son saw him standing off to the side and smiled at him. It was a radiant smile that took his breath away. He'd never seen a smile so full of joy at being alive. That smile disappeared when Loki looked to the healers, then it reappeared when he looked back to his father. Odin realized that it was for him alone. That innocent joy was for him. He knew on that day that there would be no returning Loki to Jotunheim. It didn't matter how Loki came into his House. All that mattered was that this precious little boy was his son.
What Loki said stopped Steve for a moment. His thoughts on what was happening and what would need to happen because of it, his anger over Tony hiding so much from them, his worry over what was hidden and why; all of it just stopped for a moment. What Loki said was an incredibly bleak statement spoken in an even more incredibly certain tone of voice. What created something akin to irritation was the soft and accepting look on Loki's face. He'd seen that look on Lilith's face before. It was the look that said that Lilith simply accepted something the way that it was. It was acceptance without anger or judgment. It bothered Steve that anyone would say that. Every child deserved to be loved, no matter how they turned out. It bothered him even more that it came from Lilith.
.-.-.-.
Standing, Tony walked down into the hallway then back into the kitchen. He paced up and down its length like a caged animal. His steps moved to the rat-a-tat-tat beat of his heart. He caught himself as his seidr was about to flicker out to forge a Regenerative Weave for himself. He couldn't risk Loki asking about it, so just grit his teeth and dealt with the ache and the anger. A few laps later he turned back to Loki. "That's bullshit, and you know it!" he said resolutely. The irises of his chocolate brown eyes darkened with the depth of his anger.
Loki pulled her legs up to turn and sit cross legged on the counter, facing towards him. There was nothing but calm confidence in her voice. "I have no delusions about my place in Asgard, such as it was. That isn't what we're talking about, is it?" Despite preferring to talk about that than what she was probably going to have to give him this night, she still didn't want any explosions or fires. Either conversation was likely to produce both, and his eyes were dark enough already.
"It's such fucking bullshit! How can you still call those walking pieces of shit family?! How can you stand them treating Thor better than you when you both began the same way?" There was a sharp look in Tony's eye. "You know something? They're not! They're not family! They will never be family to us, to our kids. Never! Fuck that and fuck them!" Tony rounded on Loki, "Fuck Asgard."
.-.-.-.
Both began the same way? Thor glanced to his parents. His mother had a nearly blank expression on her face. There was a particular set to his father's face as well. Thor only ever saw those looks just before his parents disappeared behind closed doors. They would emerge much later, both looking grim and angry. What did Stark mean by that? That we were both born, or that we were both raised in the same Noble House? There was a strange prickling in the back of his mind. He hadn't seen that his Little Brother needed him as he fell to madness. Was there something else he failed to see?
Worry filled Frey's gaze as he looked to Thor. He hoped that Anthony might not give that away. That wasn't something the boy ever needed to know. He wondered how Anthony might have come across it. It was probably Loki. Loki told him, probably in an attempt to protect Thor. Frey didn't know how exactly Loki might have found out but thought that might have been an unwise idea to share it with Anthony, even as well-intentioned as it must have been. He wanted to smile. Loki was always trying to shield Thor, even now. Anthony's swearing kept the smile off his face. Frey grit his teeth as Anthony swore about his beloved sister. Anthony was probably the only person in existence whom he would tolerate such behavior from. While he didn't share the anger, he did feel it was understandable. Anthony was kind enough, normally, to not express such sentiments around him. That was enough for Frey.
Her hand clenched tightly around her husband's hand again. He's mine, Frigga thought firmly and a little angrily before she set that old matter aside. There was a distinct nervousness caused by Stark's comment. She wondered if it was a random comment, or if there was more to it than that. She certainly hoped there was nothing more. If there was then it'd probably come from Loki because she knew Frey wouldn't have said anything about it. She was sure of that much when it came to her brother. What covers him is supposed to be perfect. How could Loki know? It was something she was going to have to try to feel out once they'd returned Loki to Asgard. A little frown touched her lips. She still wanted to believe that Loki could be removed from Stark. Frigga wanted her son to come home, by her own hands if possible.
An impassive expression stayed on Odin's face while he wanting to scowl at the screen. He didn't care to have his wife spoken of in such a careless and crass fashion. Were they in Asgard Stark would be publicly whipped for that. When he went to collect Loki, he was going to see about reminding this fool of his place. There would be blood involved in that. He still hoped that he would be able to collect Loki, to return him to Asgard where he belonged. It would depend on Stark not being the beast that Odin knew he probably was.
.-.-.-.
Closing her eyes, Loki rubbed gently at her temples trying to forestall the headache she knew was coming. After a deep centering breath, she calmly reminded him, "They believe 'Loki is dead'. I'm Lilith Singer. They aren't searching for us or the children because they think I'm dead. We're not going to Asgard because they think I'm dead. They won't learn it from Frey because he agreed to maintain the lie that I'm dead." It was the worst lie she'd ever told.
She took another deep breath and tried to maintain her calm. I never should have given it to him. All of this anger, this rage, I never should have done it. Amma was right, it was reckless. She thought for a moment about not giving him any of the many gifts she'd given him. Yes, that definitely stood a chance of happening, she thought sarcastically. One way or another, she would've given him all of them. "Why don't we go watch some movies until James and the children return home? We could put on one of those brassy Star Wars movies, one of the prequels. You always say the third one is the best prequel. We could laugh and throw popcorn at the screen whenever that whiny prat opens his mouth. Cheering for the lava sounds fun, doesn't it? Or maybe we could watch episode eleven. You like it better than the prequels."
"I'm a bit more interested in your prequel." Tony had a hard, almost vicious look about him.
After a long look at Tony, Loki held her hands up and bowed her head down slightly. It was better to appease at this point than fight. She knew she wasn't going to get out of this. Talking around things was the only option left. Even that wasn't a satisfactory option. Tony left her very little room to maneuver. Every time he discovered where she'd talked around him left her less room to do it again. It was becoming difficult to balance the little room she had left to maneuver in against the little time she had left to maneuver with.
.-.-.-.
Sharp irritation narrowed Odin's eye. In all the years he'd known Loki he'd never once seen his son meekly give in to anyone. It simply wasn't something Loki did. He wanted to know why Loki might have done something so submissive. While he still didn't believe that Loki would ever stand a step behind, and certainly not for some foolish mortal, this gave that surety a pause. Had it not been for the overly familiar mask his son was wearing, he might have thought this was someone other than Loki.
Where Frigga gasped before, she now seethed quietly in irritation. Loki meekly submitting instead of arguing back was giving weight to Frey's assertion that Loki stood a step behind. Her son was royalty and belonged behind no one but the Lord of a Realm. Truly, there was no one but herself, her husband, or her brother whom Loki should be standing a step behind. This was shocking to see. Even more than shocking, it was extremely displeasing. While she'd only seen a little of this man, Frigga was already starting to dislike Stark. He was overbearing, crass, ill-mannered, and disrespectful. He didn't belong near Loki and hopefully wouldn't be there much longer.
Instantly Thor didn't like what he saw. What he was witnessing now would've been unimaginable just yesterday. His very world was changing right before his eyes and it was causing him to swing violently between three different emotions hinged together by an omnipresent anxiety.
An encompassing guilt formed the first leg of the deplorable emotional tripod that'd taken over Thor's mind. He was struggling even with the concept of forgiving himself for what he'd done; for what he hadn't done; for what he saw and did nothing about; for what he failed to see at all. These things had nearly cost Loki his life on several occasions. To have allowed his own Little Brother to suffer until he harmed himself was unforgivable. It was a gross neglecting of his duties as Elder Brother. Rhodes wasn't wrong. His Little Brother was as dear to Thor as could be. Allowing him to suffer in silence was appalling. There was no other way to look at it.
The second was a raging anger. There was so much anger to go around. There was anger at his companions for their unconscionable behavior. Anger at his uncle for hiding this, and who knew what else, from him. Anger at his father for being so unmoved by all of this. More than anyone else though, there was a mountainous amount anger aimed at himself. He laughed along with his companions. There were too many times he'd made sport of Loki's concerns, his mannerisms, his womanly ways of magic. Thor looked back on how arrogant, cruel, and unforgivably blind he was. It was a point of view that mortals, and Colonel Rhodes in particular, had slowly been bringing him to. Seeing the end result of his actions only brought him there faster.
The last leg of the tripod was something Thor thought was dead and gone. Watching Stark with Loki was beginning to reawaken the protective instincts that Thor had always had for his Little Brother. While he was being shown how he failed to protect Loki, he realized that he still had a near overwhelming desire to do so. Watching Stark yell and curse at Loki, watching him put hands on Loki so disrespectfully, watching his Little Brother just submit to Stark's anger, it was all reawakening things he thought died on the Bifrost. As Stark had screamed out his desire to battle Thor, so he was beginning to want to let Stark try it. How dare he treat my Little Brother so! How dare he be so disrespectful! He hasn't a care as he treats Loki roughly. Especially when my Little Brother is with-child. Thor's voiceless rant stopped abruptly as he mentally stumbled over that facet. My Little Brother, … is with-child. I'll need time to come to terms with this. Even so, he shouldn't treat Loki so poorly.
It was with an old familiar fondness that Thor looked at Loki's new face. You'll always be my Little Brother, no matter what you look like, what you've done, or whether you think I care for you. You'll always have a place in my heart. Thor knew that somehow they would set things right. Loki's crimes were so great that he didn't know how to set them right. He was still willing to try because he wanted his Little Brother back.
