- Chapter 26 -

Shame lanced through Odin. He'd heard the rumors concerning Loki and knew that people talked when it concerned his youngest son. Odin never took the time to deal with it. Loki would handle it himself, or so he thought. He stepped in when it came to Thor because the next Lord of Asgard shouldn't have tongues waggling about him. It never occurred to him that this difference would be taken as disdain. He never thought his son would take it as confirmation that he was unloved. My son doesn't even know that I love him. The magnitude of that thought made it difficult for Odin to breathe. It was no wonder then that Loki had tried to end his own life. He'd had an entire kingdom arrayed against him and didn't believe himself wanted by even his own family. What have I done? How could I have allowed this to happen?! It was a quiet thought in the expanse of his mind, Did I unbalance my son's mind?

Every insult, every blow, every time he was pushed around came and went through Steve's mind. He tried very hard to be a good Christian, to not hate despite the work he did. However, if there was any man who came very close to earning his hate, it was a bully. The weak and small were meant to be protected, not preyed upon. Had Loki's parents allowed him to be bullied, for hundreds of years? Had Thor bullied his own brother? Steve never thought he would feel anything other than anger towards Loki and admiration for Thor. The more he learned about the brothers the more pity he felt towards Loki and the more anger he felt towards Thor. The very thought of Thor bullying anyone, especially his own brother, felt like a painful betrayal.

Back then Steve was desperate to join to military, not just to serve his country in a time of war, but to get away from all the boys on the block who constantly bullied him. He only had to deal with the bullies for a little over a decade. That time left him on the verge of truly harming someone. There were too many days where he thought about waiting in an alley for one of them to come home alone, a brick in his hand and smile on his face. He was desperate to get away from that part of himself. Had Loki been forced to endure it for centuries? How did he stay sane? Had he stayed sane? Steve remembered that Loki tried to murder his brother, invaded a different world, murdered almost a hundred innocent people, and tried to murder his brother a second time. You didn't stay sane, did you?

.-.-.-.

"I was just tired," Loki said. "I arranged everything on my worktable. It was like a Rube Goldberg machine, but instead of a lovely surprise at the end there was death. At least, that was the plan. A mislaid spell, a fire, a small explosion next to a full bottle of ink. Had I been lucky, I would have been dead before I hit the floor," she went on.

"I'm happy about your bad luck," Tony said flatly. He knew Loki didn't mean anything by what she said. She was simply retelling her memories honestly. In the beginning, he thought that he would be angrier if Loki weren't completely honest with him. As time went on, the contents of Loki's memories were what made him angriest. Her trying to make it all sound reasonable and normal did nothing to alleviate the anger. More often than not, how she phrased it when she couldn't hide it anymore just made his anger burn hotter. The fact that she still refused to tell him the truth until she was forced to it only caused him to seethe now. While it hurt to find these things out long past when he should have he was at least used to that pain.

"I'm happy with my poor luck as well," Loki gave Tony a smile. It was small but filled with love. "I remember the explosion, the sounds of shattering glass and the burn of the ink as it hit my skin. The last thing I remember thinking was, 'It will work this time.' I don't remember hitting the floor, or what may have happened after that. When I woke, I was in the healing rooms. I could hear the soft rumble of the flowing-breath. It was the first sound I recognized." Loki saw that Tony didn't know what she was talking about. She hadn't needed one in any of the times they'd gone to Vanaheim. "The flowing-breath is when a Soul Forge breathes for a person when they can't do it for themselves."

"Oh, an iron lung," Tony said.

"Not everything is iron, Love." Loki arched one delicate eyebrow.

"Ha-ha, iron lung is a name from the 1920s," Tony replied tartly.

"As you say, Love." Loki looked down again. "I spent much of my youth with a flowing-breath, I find its sound soothing. But that isn't important, is it? I spent a month in the healing rooms before I was allowed to return to my chambers. I'd thought it was bad when I was in the healing rooms. The constant monitoring, the guards at the doors, the lack of anything to do or read. It was agonizingly dull. I longed to return to my chambers, with all my books and studies. It was worse when I returned." Loki remembered when she walked into her chambers. It was abysmal. "Mother took my books, my tomes and all of my spellcrafting and alchemy materials. Mother even took my herb garden."

"She took your plants? Why would she do that?" Tony couldn't imagine how hard that must have been. Boredom and Loki never mixed well and almost always ended with something broken and on fire. To handle her boredom, he'd only come up with one solution that worked beyond a single use. It was a solution that took loads of planning and packing.

"It was all 'dangerous'." Loki still remembered the bitter anger that she viewed her rooms with. "It was fine, I thought, I just kept smiling. I'd have meals delivered, eventually there would be a knife. I knew all I had to do was wait. I'd have another chance soon enough."

.-.-.-.

This was horrifying to Frigga. What she'd thought was an accident happened very suddenly. Loki was always so careful. It looked like a child's carelessness. She had everything removed so that Loki would be safe while he recovered. Frigga planned on speaking with him once he was recovered to make sure he understood how dangerous carelessness was to a mage. When she knew that he understood then she planned to return everything to normal. She never thought it would cause Loki such distress. Loki hadn't ever seemed upset. I never meant to harm you, my son. Never!

For a new and unexpected reason Director Fury was continuing to be very uncomfortable with what he was hearing. Everything he was hearing, if this were the honest truth, were things that would give Loki a very solid defense in a court of law. It didn't mean much for SHIELD's purposes, but it was enlightening in very uncomfortable ways.

This was creating more confusing feelings in Clint, and he was still uncomfortable with them. He still felt very weirdly like he was watching two people in one body, and one of them was his friend, the other his enemy. Part of him was upset to hear Lilith talk about trying to end her own life. He wanted to ask her what the hell she thought she was doing. Then he wanted to ask her if she was alright now. Another part of him was still angry with Loki, but that was the part of him that was confused. As angry as he was, pity was creeping into his anger. Most bad people ended up that way because of bad life-events. This was sounding like a childhood filled with very bad life-events. As a father himself, it made him very uneasy to listen to someone talk about trying to commit suicide when they were a child. The calm and unconcerned tone of voice only added to the unease. None of this was what he wanted to hear. He glanced over at the door quickly. It was shut tight. There was no getting out for any of them.

.-.-.-.

"I had to wait about two weeks before I was finally able to take a knife from my tray without it being missed. I had to wait another two weeks before I had enough strength in my hands to wield a knife effectively." Loki flexed both of her hands. "I was sitting in my bed turning the knife over in my hands when it happened." Loki giggled suddenly.

Her laughter was so infectious for Tony that he couldn't help but smile with her.

"It was so ridiculous, I couldn't believe it," she giggled softly. Loki slowly stopped. "Uncle Frey came barging into my chambers, threw the doors opens so that they banged on the walls! I just barely managed to slip the knife under my pillow. He said to me, 'Get up! Get up, boy! It's time to get up!' Then he went over to my wardrobe and didn't even look in it when he grabbed an outfit. He came over, pulled me from my bed and shoved the clothes into my hands. 'Go and get dressed, boy! We're leaving.' he said. I barely had enough time to get my clothes on before he was pulling me from my chambers."

Loki giggled again, "It was so surreal that I didn't even notice." She stopped giggling to give Tony a very serious look, "From the moment he entered my chambers his gaze never strayed from me, not once. He saw the knife and moved swiftly to disarm me."

.-.-.-.

Loki's impression of him and her assessment of the situation caused Frey to smile. He did see the knife in Loki's hands and was shaken by its presence. Genuine fear quickened his pulse painfully. A sedate smile stayed on his face while he moved just a little faster. If he unfurled his seidr Loki would've felt it. The boy always paid attention to who was using magics in the room with him. He didn't want to frighten the boy into doing something rash, not with the knife so close to the boy's chest. Frey briefly thought about running to the boy, to rip the knife away from him. He hadn't been sure if Loki would try to harm himself or what damage could be done before he reached the boy. He hadn't been willing to risk his nephew being harmed. Instead, he pretended not to see the knife. He filled the boy's hands with clothes and then pulled him from his private chambers as fast as the boy could walk. Frey's pulse only came down after they'd reached his palace in Vanaheim where he knew Loki would be safe. It was a safety that he personally provided.

This is why he came to Loki so quickly. Frigga always thought that Frey came to get Loki because he was concerned as a Heal Meister. That 'accidental' poisoning had taken place at the same time as a few other important meetings. The time she had to write to her brother diminished rapidly. It was one of the rare times when she hadn't written to him weekly. She hadn't had a chance to write to him since it happened and so detailed everything that took place, including how Loki seemed listless and placid. When Frey arrived at the palace just hours after she sent the letter saying that he'd come to collect the boy and bring him to Vanaheim to recover, she was shocked and very appreciative. Frey didn't truly have the time to watch over her children, but he'd come to her aid anyway. Frigga sighed quietly. There were small traces of nervousness in his seidr, and his actions seemed rushed at the time, like he was impatient to get to Loki. She remembered them still. Trying to assure him that Loki would be well again hadn't brought the response she thought it should. There was a forcefulness in his voice when he told her that the boy would be well again that she understood now. Her son's health and safety were seen to by her brother, not her.

.-.-.-.

"He said to me, 'Your mother is concerned that you aren't recovering well enough, so you're coming to stay with me.' I thought it wouldn't be so hard to wait until I got to Vanaheim. So, I went along," Loki giggled just a little more. It was such a wonderful memory.

"What are you giggling about?" Tony had to know. His eyes lit up a little with a pale orange fire as he watched her.

"When Frey brought me to my chambers in his palace, I wasn't expecting what was waiting for me. Just before we entered, he stopped me, put his hands on my shoulders, and gave me a very hard look. I could almost feel him looking into my mind. He said to me, 'I've prepared your quarters so you will be safe and well. I expect that you will be both.' He opened the doors, put his hand on my back and almost pushed me through them." Loki looked at Tony with such a bright look on her face. "Oh Anthony, it was a paradise that I walked into! There was always a bookshelf in my guest chambers, but there were an additional three! All of them were shoved full of books I hadn't read. There was a worktable overflowing with equipment for spellcrafting, alchemy and research, with two additional tables to work on! There was an herb garden, and it even had a beautiful moon-lit section!" Loki said, gesturing excitedly.

.-.-.-.

Loki honestly sounded more like a scientist than a conqueror to Bruce, who thought it was odd. Unread research papers, new equipment, a dedicated workspace. You sound like me when I got my first job as a lab technician at a research lab. You don't sound like someone who would be interested in world domination. But then, how much did they truly know about Loki?