- Chapter 29 -
This conversation had veered off into bad territory in Tony's opinion. When Loki told him about the times she's tried to commit suicide, all she'd said was that she'd tried to drown herself. Now she was telling him about eldritch brutes in the dark water. He knew he shouldn't be surprised, not since this was the third time. Not since each of the other attempts were so much more than, "I slit my wrists," and, "I poisoned myself." Loki took each event and condensed it down to less than a nutshell. His stomach was gurgling angrily at him. It felt like there was a lump in his throat and his mouth was watering. He could taste the bile already. His seidr flickered out of his core to forge into a Regenerative Weave. He was almost thankful to have an excuse to use one. He put a hand over his belly and released the weave into his midsection swiftly. It drove back the nausea and the ache in his back and shoulders. He was happy that his control had increased enough for him to start practicing Healing Magics, instead of just learning the spells. Tony wasn't sure he wanted to talk about this anymore. No, you started this, you forced her to relive all of this, you don't get to chicken out. Man up, Stark! Tony couldn't think of anything else to say, "Ok, what happened next?"
"I told my parents that I was going to visit Uncle Frey for a few weeks. I planned every detail. On the day I was to leave, Thor came to me in the morning and told me that he and his pack of dogs would be coming along with me. I told him that I didn't want to go on another hunting trip to the Vestr Woods. I was going to Vanaheim to for other reasons," Loki had a hard time keeping eye contact with Tony. She'd mentioned Thor and she could see him tense; could see the anger that leapt into his darkened eyes and moved through his muscles. So much anger. It was burning against her core through his seidr. "He demanded that I make time to come hunting with him. I didn't want to go hunting. I was tired of killing for sport. There was no point to it and it's intensely boring, but Thor wouldn't be denied. I told him that he would have to wait until I had time, or he could not come at all."
The anger in Tony's eyes was growing more pronounced. Loki fidgeted nervously with the hem of her shirt. "I stood firm on that point until Thor relented. Then we six went to Vanaheim. I intended to go to the lake alone. I even woke early that day. When I tried to slip out, I found Thor was already awake and had roused his idiot dogs to come with. It angered me greatly. I considered all manner of mischief to get him to leave me be. I even considered going out to the Vestr Woods and killing something just to get him to go away."
.-.-.-.
Looking down, Clint put a hand over his mouth for a moment. There was a terrible suspicion in his mind where this file was headed. He had to agree with Tony on this. He didn't like where it was headed either. The thought that his friend might have been attacked by an animal as fierce as the kolkrabba sounded was alarming. It went straight into being disturbing when he thought that she might have intentionally done it to herself. Clint ground his teeth together. He was worried about Lilith but still didn't want to be worried about Loki. None of this was what he wanted.
As Thor remembered that conversation his gaze drifted down. He remembered how irritated Loki seemed with him. He remembered being equally irritated with Loki. There were several yelled demands to know why Loki refused to spend time with him. Loki was cold and distant. That had become common, and Thor didn't like it. He wanted to spend time with Loki, that was all. His gaze lifted again as he wondered miserably, Could I not have spent time doing something he wanted to do? But no, everything he wanted was just too boring, wasn't it? It was easier to simply force him to do what I wanted? And he acquiesced. "Just to get him to go away." It hurt Thor to hear Loki say that his company wasn't wanted. But I've earned this, haven't I? A little sigh slipped past his lips. He wasn't certain anymore that he could condone his father laying the full measure of punishment at Loki's feet. While Loki's crimes were terrible and many, he couldn't stop himself thinking that he was partly to blame for many of them. Thor was beginning to suspect that he'd lent a hand in driving his Little Brother to despair and madness. It was in this madness that Loki committed his crimes. Did you simply grow tired of harming yourself and try to harm others instead? Can I even be angry with you since you failed in what you tried to do?
.-.-.-.
"Once we got to Lake Volkes I confirmed that there were small pre-crystal formations on the shore. A young kolkrabba was there." Loki tried to keep the emotion out of her voice. She always tried to make it cold and impersonal so that it was easier on Tony.
"The River Velle flows into the lake by way of a beautiful waterfall. It's about a kilometer in height," Loki always loved the grand sight. The water flowing over the rocks and trees cropping out from the cliff. When the aske trees were in blossom they looked like beautiful mauve puffs jutting out from the wet moss-covered rocks. "I told Thor that I was climbing up the cliff to look for a special type of crystal for my spellcrafting. Thor never bothered to learn enough to see the obvious lie in what I'd said."
"I'm sure he didn't," there was no mistaking the venomous anger in Tony's voice. "He only lived with you for more than a thousand years. I mean, really, when could he possibly have had the time to get to know you? And why should he have, he was only supposed to be your brother?! Wow, no reason and no time! What a guy!" Tony was trying not to spit his anger at Loki, but it was damn hard.
.-.-.-.
As Thor listened he began to understand why Stark felt such rage towards him. He was given opportunity after opportunity to do right by his Little Brother, and he threw most of those opportunities away. Loki was correct, Thor didn't know anything about spellcrafting. Magecraft was Loki's truest passion, his first love, and it never interested Thor. He shoved it aside as a boring, unmanly, and useless waste of his brother's time. Had I known more would I have been able to prevent this?
It was more shameful that Loki never scoffed at Thor's hobbies and habits. His Little Brother scoffed at his decisions, but never at him. It was always to Loki he would turn when he made a mess of something he tried to do. He demanded Loki's aid, assistance, and time. Loki's aid was always expected as his father told him to rely on his Little Brother. He couldn't remember more than rarely thanking Loki, and never publicly. It'd always been too embarrassing to do. Thor sunk down a little in his chair as he remembered many more times than he could be comfortable with that he'd openly mocked and ridiculed his Little Brother. What kind of man am I that I would treat family like this? How could I never see what I was doing? Thor paused a moment while he searched for an answer. "Now stop, think about what you just said," Rhodes' voice drifted into his thoughts. I never gave it thought before, never gave him thought. "He didn't uplift his brother," the honorable colonel's voice was clarion again. This was the bitter and biting failure to uphold his obligations to family that caused so many problems.
It would be easy to say that Loki had left him behind by allowing him to think his Little Brother was dead. Thor knew that was just another lie to ease the flow of guilt and shame pouring over him. Loki, in the guise of Lilith Singer, had spoken with him, given him wise counsel, prepared food for him, cheered him when he felt low. Loki never left him. Loki was never lost to him. Despite everything that passed between them, Loki still came back to try again. Even though Loki chose to fall from the Bifrost, Thor wondered if he was the one who let go that day.
.-.-.-.
"Tony, please. You know why Thor is what he is. I've explained it to you. I saw the understanding in your eyes! You can't tell me that you don't understand." Loki just wanted Tony to stop. Stop being angry, stop ranting, stop hating. She was tired of the constant burn in his seidr. His fires of creation weren't meant for that. Will it ever stop? I should have given him more time. I wish I had more time to give.
"You know what I understand? I understand that they are grown men who have a real hard-on to punish you and they haven't once faced punishment for their own crimes! I understand that they've spent centuries abusing you and still have the gall to say they're better than you. I understand you saved them. I understand you that sacrificed for them. I understand that you gave everything for them!" Tony was seething anger. "What did they give you? Pain, loneliness, and death, nothing more!"
Tony wasn't going to calm down anytime soon. Loki could see that plainly. This was useless. She uncurled her seidr and quickly composed the Spell of Swirling Colors. Snapping her fingers at him released the spell. It hit his hair instantly turning it to a violent shade of red to match his temper. "This conversation is over," she said coldly. Loki scooted forward and hopped off of the counter. She turned to walk away. The gym sounded like a lovely idea.
.-.-.-.
Oh really? Natasha smirked at the screen. All of those times that his hair was a gaudy neon were when his wife was angry at him. She shook her head as she chuckled. It was right in front of them the entire time. It would be more upsetting, but she looked over and saw that Clint understood as well. She wasn't the only one to appreciate it.
As little as Clint liked where this conversation seemed to be headed, he couldn't help the almost-smirk that happened as Tony's hair changed color. Seeing it happen made him suspect that this was what happened all the other times Tony had some awful color in his hair. His almost-smirk faded when he thought, Was it you the whole time, Lilith?
.-.-.-.
Lunging forward, Tony grabbed Loki's arm. He dragged her back into the kitchen, "Don't you walk away from me!" He didn't even care what color his hair was now. He was so used to it changing. Loki was upset enough to do it though. That wasn't what he wanted. He wanted answers from her, he needed them.
"Tony!" Loki cried as she was dragged back.
"We're not done here!" Tony said. He instinctively forged another Regenerative Weave which was slid into Loki's blood as he put both hands around her waist to pick her up and set her gently back on the counter. A deep breath helped him to try to calm down. His seidr pushed into and up through her again. When he looked into her eyes they were flashing with his seidr. Safe with me, his seidr whispered to her, Stay with me. A few moments passed before he stepped back from her and leaned back against the counter opposite her. Another few breaths later and he felt a little calmer. His eyes lightened just a little with the pushing back of that anger. His seidr fed back into his core. "We still have things we need to discuss. Please stay here so we can talk," he said calmly.
"Fine, I'll stay, but will you please stop yelling about Thor?" Loki asked. At least the warmth from his weave was nice even if the conversation wasn't.
