- Chapter 31 -

"I remember briefly waking on the shore. I didn't know how I got there. Everything was so slow, and cold. Then there was a snapping sound and awful burning in my back near my shoulder. I felt like I was still drowning. There was water everywhere." Loki's hands drifted to her belly.

"That was when I heard him," Loki said slowly. "Thor was speaking low and quick, telling me everything would be fine," there were the remnants of anger in her voice now. Her eyes narrowed with the memory, "The idiot," she seethed, "Had my bones not been broken I probably would have considered some form of serious violence against him. Setting his beard alight, beating him, sinking one of my daggers into his gut and twisting it. All whims which came and went."

Surprise stopped Tony cold for a moment. "You really wanted to hurt Thor? You?"

"He made me angry. It wasn't the first time. There were times when I stabbed him in someplace inconsequential with a small knife to remind him that I wasn't his pet," Loki looked away as she spoke quietly. "It was my choice. My own, and he took it from me. He had no right to. I didn't ask him to interfere, I didn't ask for his aid. I didn't want it! I just wanted some peace."

Rarely had Tony seen Loki angry at Thor, and never enough to consider serious violence. He reached out to touch the side of her face. It always amazed him how quickly and easily his seidr responded to her unstable emotional states. It pulsed gently into her. Safe with me, it whispered. He wasn't certain how he was going to continue working with Thor. It was hard enough to keep a civil tone with the idiot when they were in Avengers Tower. Tony already 'accidentally' hit Thor with his repulsors on a few missions. Every new thing he learned made it that much more difficult to not burn the flesh from Thor's bones. Understanding only got Thor so much leeway from Tony, and it wasn't enough.

.-.-.-.

Wh ..what? Thor was taken aback by Loki's words. He thought he might have heard a touch a true hatred in them. He honestly couldn't have predicted that. Pain was what he expected from his Little Brother. Sorrow as well. The seething anger that twisted Loki's voice into a hateful thing was shocking. Loki was always so much like their mother. Both of them were always so calm and composed. They were always cool and collected, no matter the situation before them. Until today Thor would've described them as unshakable. It'd been centuries since Thor had even seen the kind of deep emotion that was fuming in Loki's voice. For centuries, he'd wanted to see more emotion from his Little Brother than just calm diplomacy. There was a touch of hate in his Little Brother's eyes. It hurt him to look at. This wasn't the emotion he wanted to see.

When they were boys Loki hid nothing from Thor. Every joy and every sorrow were written plainly on Loki's face. He laughed openly in those days and smiled often. What first caused this intolerable pain in you Little Brother? When did I lose your trust, so that you wouldn't come to me? Was it Leddi that did it, or was it something before that? How did you just swallow down your pain and not show it? His chest tightened with emotion. I never thought you were my pet!

.-.-.-.

The anger drained from Loki; the emotion sliding away into nothingness. It was easier to let her anger go since there was no point in it. Not to her anyway. Her anger wouldn't change her brother's foolishness. Centuries spent trying to enlighten him had failed to change him much. It was mostly because of how she'd bargained with Mjolnir that she kept trying to better him anymore. Very few of the bargains were binding, and she'd already fulfilled the ones that were. Anger certainly wasn't going to fulfill the non-binding bargains. She'd already tried that. As a young man, she tried challenging Thor's opinions and actions. Thor then challenged her to foolish sparring matches that she had to lose. Had she won them as easily as she could have then she would've given herself away. Her brother already ridiculed her enough. She hadn't wanted him to know what a freak she was. It was only Amma, both Afi Gin and Afi Gorynych, and now Tony and his son and dear brother-in-arms whom she shared that with. Although sharing things with James hadn't happened exactly as she wanted it to. There was honest embarrassment when she thought about how that happened. James' unflinching acceptance of her freakishness was what cemented her respect of him. She hoped that Frey wouldn't be too disappointed when she told him. Loki knew she had no reason to doubt Frey but was still anxious to share that.

A calm expression stayed on Tony's face. As Loki's anger abated his had grown uncontrollably. He marveled at how it took almost nothing to incite his inferno of rage. It took a moment to calm himself so that his heart wasn't pounding in his ears. He could taste a dull metallic tinge in his mouth. The last of his Regenerative Weave's warmth faded under the weight of his anger. The dull ache roared to life again. For a moment, he could see himself punching Thor. He liked that thought. He wanted to do that. He wanted to do it several times. That thought had to be put out of his head unfortunately, even though it'd already darkened his eyes. Loki made him promise not to hurt Thor, so he was off limits. Loki's father wasn't off limits. No promises were made. I need to find a way to get some alone time with him before it ends, Tony thought. A sudden image of Loki crying popped into his head. No, that would make Loki cry as well. Dammit! He took a breath and decided to stick to the plan. I'll just burn Asgard. Let them see what living in the ashes is like, if there are survivors.

Taking a steadying breath, Loki cleared her throat and continued. "When I woke again, I was in the healing rooms in Frey's palace. There were several healers moving around the room. They gave me numbing elixir, I recognized the loss of sensation. I think they meant for me to sleep through the night, but I've had so much numbing elixir that it doesn't work on me anymore."

"I was so bitterly disappointed to have failed again. I closed my eyes again and tried to shut everything out. The urge to weep at my failure was almost overwhelming. I asked if the healers could leave. I just wanted some time to myself to try to figure out what I was going to do next. I was so tired, but I needed to compose myself before Frey arrived. I knew he'd be coming. The thought that I'd have to face my uncle was more painful to me than any of my wounds. I thought I'd have more time," Loki's voice was soft again. She looked away from Tony.

"Don't be angry at Uncle Frey. Please?" Loki said. His anger couldn't be allowed to be focused on Frey. It would ruin the most magnificent of her Great Works. Nothing could be allowed to stand in the way of that.

"I don't think I could be at this point," Tony looked at her. He could see all of the nervousness she felt, the worry, the awkward embarrassment. He loved how open she was willing to be with him. Even though she loved their kids, she still put on a mask in front of them. Even though she trusted Rhodey with the truth, her abilities, and their kids, she still put on a mask in front of him. With Tony she was open and unfiltered. He was the only one who got to see her like this, with all the masks down. This was his alone.

"The healers wouldn't leave me. They said the poison wasn't breaking down as it should. It was slowing down all their work. They needed more time to see to my bones knitted back together. I had internal injuries were healing but at a slowed pace. They needed to monitor that while they worked on my bones. Then there was a head wound that the poison forced them to heal slowly as well, and on and on and on. I just wanted them to leave. I wanted to be alone. It was what I was accustomed to." Loki paused to look at Tony and measured his mood. She didn't want Tony to be angry with Frey like he was with the rest of her family. Were that to happen then she wasn't certain that her plans could come to fruition. Loki had no choice left but what she was planning. One way or another it had to happen. She was so close to completing the last of her work. One ceremony and she would be done. The rest would be left to Frey. Getting Tony to that ceremony was what she was still working towards. He was so close now. By the summer rolled around he would be ready and willing to accept what would happen. Once that happened then she could leave in peace. "I was still trying to convince them to leave when Frey stormed in. He was angry. Angrier than I'd ever seen him," her voice was quiet.

"He knew already? How?" Tony couldn't see anything obvious that pointed to suicide. It would have looked like an accident to him.

"Everything that I told you about the kolkrabba came from a book I read when I came to stay with him after my second attempt. It was what we talked about that first night. I forgot about it until after my attempt. Frey didn't. He knew that I knew better; knew that I already understood what I was dealing with, knew the signs, knew not to go near. I was such a fool to think that I fooled him. I didn't fool him. I enraged him," fear was creeping into her voice as she remembered how fearsome her uncle was. In all their adventures together, she'd never seen him bring such viperous wrath to bear.

There were still vestiges of terror in her memories of Frey's entrance. He hit the door hard enough that the wood splintered at the edges and the hinges warped. The healers were so surprised by the violence of the entrance that they went into a defensive formation around their charge. Frey told them to get out. His voice was quiet but the force of it sent cracks up the walls as it shook the room. All of them but the Elder Heal Mistress fled from their Lord in terror. The Elder Heal Mistress stood her ground in between them. She tried to convince her Lord that she needed to stay and care for her charge. Frey spared only two words for her. He grabbed her arm and dragged her from the room, snarling, "Get out!" at her as he'd all but thrown her into the hallway.

With the door slammed shut Frey placed a hand on it. Loki watched with ever increasing fear as a powerful ward spread out over the door, walls, floor, and ceiling. The room was completely sealed off. It was the look on his face that scared Loki the most. Pure rage stretched thinly over deep pain that flashed seidr fire in his eyes. Loki watched with disbelief as raw seidr rolled off Frey. The uncontrolled seidr was powerful enough to begin canceling out patches of gravity around him. A tray of elixirs floated upwards, each bottle slowly melting back into its component pieces. Loki watched as his seidr crawled along the floor and up the cabinets, melting the glass back into colored sand and then breaking it down even farther before absorbing it.

When Frey walked to the end of Loki's bed his seidr scorched the floor, burning his bare footprints into the cracking tiles through his boots. Loki scooted backwards on the bed trying to move away. As Frey put a hand on the footboard of the bed, it simply disintegrated. Loki tried and failed to teleport from the room then.

"He was so angry that he lost control of his seidr," Loki said quietly. She nodded when Tony arched an eyebrow in surprise. "Until then, I'd never seen such a display of raw power from him. It was terrifying. I tried to teleport out of the room, but his seidr crushed my attempt. I put up an arm to defend myself. I honestly thought he was going to strike me."

Loki could still remember the look of betrayal poorly concealed beneath the rage. It hurt more than her wounds to know that she'd put it there, since she had betrayed him. They both knew it. Coming to Vanaheim to die was a deliberate decision. There were only a handful of places where she had a person who loved her. Vanaheim, Frey's home, was the only place on that small list where she could comfortably die. She hadn't wanted to be alive when Frey found out. She certainly never wanted to face him after it happened. It wasn't even close to what she'd planned it. The look on his face was one of the reasons why she was still angry with Thor. It was Thor's interference that forced her to see it, to face what she'd done with the one man that she couldn't bear to. Even facing her father at that point would've been preferable.

A dark look that matched his eyes crossed Tony's face, "Did he?"

.-.-.-.

Lost control? Frigga arched an eyebrow at that. Did you truly? She wondered if he hadn't simply used the appearance of it to frighten Loki into not doing something so reckless again. Her brother was a very cunning man, whom she didn't underestimate. He hid all of this from me, she thought forlornly. Frigga thought that Frey must have felt it in Loki's best interest to keep these things to himself. She was going to have to speak with him on them. The details Loki was giving her were dreadful, but only part of the entire event. Frey had many of the other details, and Loki still had a few more that she needed. Mostly Frigga needed to know why Loki wouldn't have come to her with these things. Had she known that her child was so miserable she would've done something.

I would never strike Loki in malice, not even in that painful moment. Frey remembered the violence of his entrance. He could think of only a few times before that when he'd been so violently angry. It was the pain of betrayal that drove most of his rage. He'd devoted centuries to aiding the boy, to seeing to him, teaching him, simply trying to be there should he need assistance of any kind. He'd done things with Loki that he would never do with anyone else. They were things that even his beloved sister didn't know of. Secrets kept between just the two of them. Frey wanted to howl in rage and frustration as he realized that after everything he'd done, after everything they'd done together, Loki still wanted to die. No matter what he did, the boy just kept trying. Each attempt was more violent than the last. He knew that if he didn't stop Loki then, the next time it happened would be the last time. Frey hadn't wanted to attend Loki's funeral when he was a child. He had even less desire to do so after spending so much time with the boy. Though Loki was the one wounded, Frey still felt like he was the one with the poisoned blade in his back.

.-.-.-.

"No, he never did," Loki was still awed by how much raw seidr Frey loosed without even noticing. She knew that she could exceed him as she was, but back then it was a monumental amount. It was something she'd only seen from her Amma or either Afi. I'm whole, she almost laughed at the thought. She was anything but whole. "He looked at me and said, 'You!' Then he paced in front of my bed like some snarling caged beast. Every now and again he would look at me and growl, then go back to pacing the charred floor. He was so angry that he was having a hard time speaking. My Uncle Frey was genuinely having trouble speaking. He paced and shook and growled, all the while his seidr rolled around the room disintegrating things and canceling out bits of gravity. The only thing that was mostly untouched was the bed I was laying on."

.-.-.-.

Disintegrating things and canceling gravity? Did you truly lose control of yourself, brother? Frigga wondered at that. She probably would've lost control also. It wouldn't have been in anger, but grief. How she could miss all of this as it happened was just inconceivable. She'd always thought that she knew both her sons quite well. It was why what happened during and after the coronation was so surprising. It just didn't seem like the boy she raised.

That information widened Director Fury's eye a little in surprise. He didn't like his agents or himself being in the same room as a man whose anger could disintegrate things and cancel gravity. He didn't want to be in the same room as that man when Loki was clearly afraid of him. It wasn't a position he wanted to be in. It wasn't a position he wanted his agents in. This man is on my hellicarrier, just peachy.

.-.-.-.

Sitting up just a little straighter, Loki continued her trek through her memories, "It was several minutes before I realized he hadn't struck me. He didn't appear to be moving too either. It was another several minutes before I worked up enough courage to say something."

"I don't even remember what I said, I was so scared. The numbing elixir was still coursing through my veins, dulling my thoughts. I do remember that he shut my mouth for me," Loki smiled.

"You said he didn't hit you!" Tony spoke loudly. What he'd heard so far left Tony hesitant in his ability to be angry at Frey. However, if he hit Loki in anger then all bets were off.

"He didn't. He used the same spell on me that I use on the children. I've used it on you every now and then," Loki replied. She always tried to persuade him to quiet through other means. However, there were some times when Tony just wouldn't be quiet. Stronger means were needed then. Even then the noise of his talking, coming from his throat still working, could be heard clearly.

"He didn't hit you?" Tony had to be certain.

"No, he didn't. Don't worry, Love. Frey has never hurt me," Loki wanted Tony to understand this.

"Ok," Tony sighed. He understood that Frey trained Loki in not only martial arts, but many other things. Some of those things required Loki being hit. There was a clear line between training and hitting someone in anger. One he would accept. The other he would deliver his own beatings for.

"He stopped his pacing and looked at me. His gaze was so heavy, I couldn't meet it for long. Both of his hands were still fists, and I thought he was going to hit me. He moved up next to me then. I braced myself for the blow. I didn't expect what he did next, I didn't hear him." There was a distant look on Loki's face as she remembered the words that forever cemented the bond between her and Frey.

"He said, 'Look at me, Loki.' I didn't hear him at first. Frey isn't a man who repeats himself. When he speaks, you will listen because he is the Lord of an Elder Realm. He repeated himself for me. He said again, 'Look at me, Loki', and I did. The rage was still flashing in his eyes, but his voice was calm. He took my hand and he put a dagger in it. He said, 'If you are so damn intent on ending it, then just do it.' Then he stood there, arms crossed, waiting for me."

That Frey was desperate enough to do something that risky surprised Tony. He certainly wouldn't have armed someone who was suicidal. He could also understand the desperation on both from both of them though. That was easy.

"I was horrified, mortified, terrified. All I could think was, 'He knows!' I threw the dagger to the floor, and I tried to tell him that I didn't know what he meant." Loki looked down, "I was stammering and trying to think of a way out. He grabbed my chin and snarled, 'Don't lie to me!' I could feel the heat of his seidr flowing through his hand, lightning was flashing from his runework, but none of it touched me," Loki remembered how the cabinet behind Frey flashed brilliant yellow and disintegrated as he spoke. She remembered having a hard time meeting his eyes as things around him fell to pieces.

"He sat down on the bed next to me and said, 'I know that you cut your wrists. I know that you used the Spell Sealed Ink to poison yourself, and I know that you didn't just fall into that lake! What I don't know is why you did these things.' He stopped then and gave me a sad look. He was still angry, but I could see it well enough. I could see how I hurt him. He said to me, 'At this point, I don't know why I shouldn't tell your mother.' And I, I just," Loki was at a loss for words. Humiliation burned brightly in her mind. What she'd done was so pathetic and sniveling.

"It's ok to cry, Loki." Tony took Loki's hands again.

"No, it isn't!" Loki looked up angrily.

Resting a hand on her cheek and his forehead against hers let him look deep into her eyes. Tony hated the broken views Loki had of herself. That she thought she was weak was inconceivable. That she hated herself for this only made his rage burn brighter, his pain burn deeper. She hurt because of this, so he was going keep reassuring her until she understood, until she didn't hurt anymore. "With me, yes, it is ok. We went through the dark days together. I've seen you at your absolute worst. You don't have to put up a front for me. I know you're amazing. After everything you've done there is absolutely no way that your ancestors would be ashamed of you for a few tears. And if they are ashamed of you after everything you've done, then fuck 'em. So please, tell me." His seidr pulsed into her again.

Loki rested her head on his shoulder, let her eyes close. Safe with me, his seidr was whispering to her again. It defanged the raw edge of the memories. "I wasn't just crying. I was begging Frey not to say anything. I was pleading and trying to bargain, and weeping. I panicked. It was pathetic. I knew if mother found out that she would take everything in the name of safety. It wasn't as if father would suddenly love me, or even notice me. Thor wouldn't suddenly stop mocking me publicly. The peasantry wouldn't stop assaulting ne when I went into the city. Nothing would improve! I would lose everything! My books, my tomes, my magecrafting and alchemy research were the only things that made facing the next day possible! It was so pathetic."

"It wasn't pathetic, it was a bad situation that you thought would get worse. It's understandable that you were scared." Tony kept his arms around her.

"Frey offered me a bargain," Loki said quietly.

"He did?" Tony kept his voice flat. He knew that Frey wouldn't take advantage of Loki, but it was hard not to feel a spike of anger. Unlike his anger with the rest of her family, as soon as Tony registered that he was angry, it was gone. "What was it?"

While Loki pulled back some, she still held onto Tony's hands. "As one action shall guarantee the other, so ours would be. If I needed aid then I would come to him and be honest in what I needed, and so he would always offer me whatever aid was within his power to. This was our bargain. He said that if I would agree to it, then he wouldn't tell my mother what I'd done." She stopped to try to swallow down the thick emotion of her memories.

It was proof. He trusted proof. Tony nodded, "And that was why he accepted us when we went the first time, because he knew you couldn't lie and ask for help."

"Yes," she said quietly.

"He told me that he might not be able to change things in Asgard, but at least he could shelter me for a while. I accepted almost before he'd finished speaking. I was so grateful to Uncle Frey. I still am." Loki didn't mind letting a small smile cross her face.

"Yeah, me too," Tony smiled as well. Holy fuck, I'm a miserable ass! I have to apologize to him! I'll get Rhodey to help me practice first.

.-.-.-.

As one action shall guarantee the other?! Frigga knew that term. It was the strongest term to be negotiated in any mage's bargain. It forced a mage's hand, no matter the circumstances. She turned to look at Frey with a question in her eyes. She was shocked when he smiled calmly and nodded. Frigga turned back around. A shared look with Odin told her that he was as surprised as she was. He truly did it. A frown touched her lips as she realized how much Frey protected her son. It was protection that should never have been needed. Frigga looked down to her lap, her eyes unfocused. Loki was afraid of me. My son was afraid of me. My brother bound himself to save my son's life. Shame laced her thoughts. I let this happen.

A frown crossed Clint's face and he tilted his head to the side just slightly. How this interaction between Tony and Loki was recorded gave him no reason to think that Loki was lying. Corporal McCorrmick already said that what they were seeing was the truth. This wasn't a truth that he wanted to see. It honestly sounded like Loki was abused as a child. He liked that thought about as much as he liked thinking that Thor might have been a part of that abuse. While he was still angry at Loki and wasn't sure that could change, there was uncomfortable understanding creeping into his thoughts. If Loki was that badly abused for that long, then it might make sense that he thought it was acceptable to invade another world. What truly bothered Clint about all of it was that it was Lilith speaking. There was no way he could be comfortable listening to her talk about doing that to herself. The unconcerned voice she used only agitated him further. He wanted to think that his friend should never have had to go through that. The confused part of him wasn't certain that she was still his friend.

The scowl on Odin's face was aimed squarely at the screen. Loki had grown to adulthood thinking himself unloved. Nothing could be farther from the truth. What use is your affection and pride if your son never felt them? And assaults from the peasantry? If some commoner laid hands on his son, then they were going to lose those hands when he returned to Asgard. And what of Thor? Did he treat Loki as Vili once treated me? They seemed happy together. A powerful anger rose in him at that thought. He'd tried to instill more loyalty for family in Thor than he and his brothers were raised with. When they returned to Asgard, he was going to have to have words with Thor on this. In all of it Odin was most surprised that Frey bound himself with the bargain. It was becoming very clear that Loki's mind wasn't balanced as he was growing up. As a Heal Meister, Frey would know that. His brother-by-law was many things, a fool wasn't one of them. He knew it and bound himself anyway. Madness, this is all madness.

The Asgardian King wasn't the only one who found themselves scowling at the screen, Steve did as well. Despite still feeling that Loki needed to be brought to trial for his crimes, he was starting to believe that maybe Loki needed counseling instead of just jail time. It was becoming uncomfortably clear that Loki didn't come from a loving home and wasn't well-treated in that home. It was all the more confusing because Thor seemed so normal. Thor seemed like a good man while Loki seemed like the villain. This was changing that view in ways that he wasn't sure he liked.

The look of calm stayed fixed to Frey's face. It was hard to do as he heard the grief bleeding through his beloved sister's seidr. It was crying. The urge to go to her, to make the pain stop somehow was a physical need for him. It'd been that way since they were young. There was nothing he could do about it. There was no way that he could make this hurt less. So he sat quietly and did the only thing he could do. Nothing.