- Chapter 34 -
Slowly Frigga released her husband's hand so she could turn to her brother. "Did you know about this as well? Did you?!" She was horrified again by Loki's casual tone when discussing maiming himself. This wasn't what she expected of her youngest son. He seemed to have no regard for his own health and wellbeing. That was honestly scarier than what he'd done to himself. That kind of attitude was terrifying. There was no telling where it could lead.
There was so much pain in her eyes, in her expression, in the set of her body. Her seidr was still crying grief. Frey looked away from her then. It all made him want his ale. He always tried to shield her from pain, from any pain. He despised seeing his beloved sister hurt. There was nothing he could do about it. Frigga had run up a bill. She'd lived a life without facing the hard choices that having a child like Loki entailed. It was Loki who'd paid for that life thus far. The bill was coming due, but Loki couldn't pay it anymore. It drove the pain deeper to know that even if Loki could pay that for his beloved sister, he still wouldn't let her. Loki had given enough. Frigga hadn't. There was nothing Frey could do about that. I've done all that I could for as long as I could. "I found out a few days ago. Until then, I didn't know either," he said quietly.
"Why? How is this possible?!" Frigga demanded to know. It just wasn't possible that a Heal Meister as powerful as her brother couldn't have noticed something as obvious as blindness would be. He was one of the most powerful Heal Meisters in the Nine Realms, even trained and qualified in the healing of the lifecode itself. It didn't seem possible that he would miss that. While she was only trained to an intermediate level of Healing Magics, even she couldn't have missed that. The malfunctioning nerves would be painfully obvious.
"Loki made it possible," Frey replied. He still didn't know how, and still wanted to. It was something that he was going to have a very serious discussion with Loki about.
"How could Loki have hidden this from us? From you?" Odin couldn't imagine this to possibly be true. As little as he liked his brother-by-law, even he was willing to concede that Frey's skill as a Heal Meister was considerable. The man was meticulous, and so this shouldn't have been possible. Has Loki only just lived in my House? Did I never see him? "How did this happen?"
"Loki is far more intelligent and resourceful than you know," Frey answered sadly. Loki, his dear nephew, his beloved niece. Loki said that he was a complex man, but his complexities were nothing when compared to Loki's. Frey was struck again by the tragedy of it all. "You should've let me take him in, Odin. I offered to raise the child as my own. The babe wasn't fit for your purposes. You should have given Loki to me."
Anger tensed Odin's muscles for a strike, sending him out of his seat and to his feet so suddenly that it startled everyone else but Frey and Frigga. They knew what Odin was capable of. "He is my son, my own! I wouldn't give him to you now and I wouldn't have given him to you then. He belongs with us in Asgard. He is mine!" It shamed Odin to know that Loki was the only one who was suited to his purposes.
Concern filled Heimdall's gaze as he looked to his Lord. Lord Odin Borrson's wrath was not to be taken lightly. He'd watched this entire procession with his usual detachment. While he was surprised, only a little, that Prince Loki tried to harm himself, he didn't care overly much. It wasn't his place to ponder on things already done. If he'd known at the time, then he would've done something at the time. His loyalty to Lord Odin and Asgard was absolute. Any attempt made on the life of either of his Lord's sons would immediately be reported, no matter whose hand was making the attempt. So long after the fact made it no longer his concern. It was his practice to not be concerned with the personal lives of individuals so long as they didn't threaten Asgard. He was concerned with the safety as Asgard. Skuld promised him that Asgard would be safe in his absence. It was the only reason he agreed to leave his post.
If he was guilty of something, as Skuld said, then he did think that he needed to be here. He needed to know. However, he wished that it were someone less controversial telling them the facts. He hid this bloody painful event. It would only have been embarrassment that led him to hide it so completely. Heimdall could see that embarrassment on Prince Loki's face as he spoke. It was oddly obvious even with the guise that the Prince was wearing. He suspected that Prince Loki gave Stark a remarkable amount of trust to be so open with him. Embarrassment is not treason, he thought as he began to wonder if there were other reasons besides treason why Prince Loki might have hidden so much from him.
Sif and the Warriors Three exchanged worried looks. It was well known that Lord Odin had no love for Prince Loki. At least that was what they all thought. This sudden outburst by their Lord scared them. Not only had their Lord and King claimed Prince Loki as his own, he'd defended him as part of the Royal Family. If Lord Odin thought of Prince Loki as his son, then speaking openly their thoughts on him would be a horrendous mistake. That kind of mistake could be fatal with Lord Odin Borrson.
When he noticed his companions' nervousness over his father's declaration, Thor smiled. Perhaps his father wasn't so unmoved by all of this. Perhaps he and his mother weren't alone in their grief, anger, and shame. He thought with no small amount of sorrow, So this is what it takes to truly draw us together as a family.
"After centuries of neglect, now she is yours?" Frey snorted in disgust. "She would've done better in my House."
"Perhaps I've not been the father I had intended to be, but he's still my son. He is mine! My own! I will find him when this is done, and I will bring him home again. I'll set this right," Odin tried to keep himself calm. Even an accidental loosing of his seidr could kill every mortal there, and badly injure the Asgardians as well. Since Thor and Frigga were in the room, he just couldn't risk it. He had to retain control.
There was anger plainly written on Frey's face. He didn't bother to hide it. "That's not possible anymore."
To Hel with your anger! It's all you have! "We shall see," Odin said before he turned, sat, and took up his wife's hand again. Why does he keep calling Loki 'she', as though he were truly a woman? Odin questioned Frey's judgment in that. It was just one more thing to worry over. Perhaps Loki's seidr has made the change more permanent? Loki's seidr is powerful, always has been. It runs deep.
His mother's voice whispered out of the depths of his memories, They were children born of the ice, both powerful and genderless ... Odin dismissed it instantly. He had no idea why he suddenly remembered a children's tale his mother used to tell him.
Worry crept into Natasha's thoughts as she watched the exchange between the Kings. Neither of them liked the other one, and Thor deferred to both of them. Being trapped in the same room as two angry powerful men who had reason to dislike one another wasn't a position she was comfortable being in. There was no exit strategy possible at the moment. She looked over at the door and glared for a moment before looking back to the screen. No way out and still things to learn.
.-.-.-.
"I know that Loki, but still," Tony knew what Loki was capable of, but this was a whole new level. He knew how much abuse she was capable of surviving. He still had nightmares of broken bone stumps and wrapped wires, of the chair and drill. That's how he always thought of it though. Abuse done to her by others, not by herself. Even in the attempts she made on her own life, he still viewed those as acts driven by the actions of others. This was a choice Loki made, a thing she did to herself knowing what she was doing. He let his hand drop. He could see that she didn't think anything of what she'd done.
"Tony, you have to understand. Skuld offered me a chance to have everything I'd ever wanted. Friends, a family, a place to belong not just exist in. She offered me a chance to learn, to grow, to discover; a chance to come to a better understanding of the universe around me. She offered me a place free of standards I could never meet, free of condemnation and ridicule, a place where my desire to learn would be openly encouraged instead of openly mocked. The Norns offered me respect. It was more than I ever thought I would have, more than I ever thought I deserved. It was there, right in front of me. All I had to do was give up two small things that were so dysfunctional that I only ever knew they were there when I put thought to it." Loki huffed in frustration. It was hard for anyone to understand why she'd done it, but she wanted him to. "They offered me everything, Tony. In return, they asked for almost nothing. You ask me why? Let me ask you this. Why not? Why shouldn't I have accepted their offer?" I didn't know then what I know now, but that was something else she wasn't going to say. Going to the temple grounds at least let her see him coming. She hoped that the cycle was already completed. The Inquiry passing finally would leave her family safe. It was all she wanted.
"But Frey," Tony tried not to stammer as he spoke.
"Frey was an island of rest. If I could have stayed with him then I would have, but I couldn't. Something or someone always came to drag me back to Asgard. I couldn't escape it. They offered me more than an island. They offered me a home," Loki said warmly.
.-.-.-.
The first sparks of an unforeseen anger hit Clint. That Lilith had come to a point in her life where she thought disfiguring herself would make things better made him angry. It wasn't an anger that he wanted so he tried his best to ignore it. It was his anger with Loki that he kept trying to find.
Taking a deep breath, Steve closed his eyes for a moment. When he looked back up Lilith was still trying to calm Tony down. You maimed yourself to improve your life, he thought. It didn't sound right. He tried it a few more times but still couldn't make it sound right. Even if it was effective it was still wrong. There was just no way that this was acceptable, and Steve didn't want to believe that it happened. There were too many things telling him that this was the truth. It wasn't a truth that he cared for. The entire thing made him angry.
The weight of his shame sat heavy on Thor's shoulders as he listened to Loki. Is there any belief, any experience Loki has that I shouldn't be ashamed of? Thor kept looking back over his memories trying to find a memory he could be sure of. The only ones where he was certain of Loki's happiness with him was hundreds of years ago, when they were just boys. The years Loki spent in the healing rooms and the few years after those were the only ones where he had any certainty.
To fight the painful tension building in his muscles Odin let his seidr swiftly unwind from his core to array into a Regenerative Weave that he released into them. His seidr just as swiftly twisted back into his core. He'd been on more battlefields than he could immediately bring to mind. He'd seen so much death and maiming that they no longer bothered him. They were an inevitable part of conflict. Even losing an eye himself didn't bother him. It was simply a consequence of joining battle. But to have his son be so willing to maim himself, and then to know it was because his son was looking for a home that he thought he provided? He couldn't stop the near violent tensing of his muscles before his weave quelled it. The tears it brought him were swiftly pushed back. The warmth in his blood belied the coldness he tried to reach for. I am a King, he reminded himself. A King has no heart. A King can have no heart.
Pushing back the sudden tears welling in her eyes went better for Frigga than her attempt to push back the sorrow at her child's beliefs. "More than I ever thought I deserved," her son's words cut her harshly. What he was saying was agonizingly clear. She'd let her child be so badly abused that he didn't even think he deserved to be treated better than that. It was what he was accustomed to. It's no wonder that he ran from me.
You are my island still. Frey's smile was soft and sad.
.-.-.-.
Rage tinged the horror flooding through Tony, and he understood why she hadn't told him. Loki wanted to spare me this. "I understand," he said slowly trying to understand. "Let's move this along, I don't want to think about you, about," Tony felt like saying it would upset his stomach again, "what you did. So, let's just, move on." He motioned for her to talk; he was done for the moment. He and his stomach were still arguing.
"It was while I was studying with the Norns that I first beheld the Chitauri camp on Jotunheim. Shortly after that I discovered who was controlling them. I looked ahead to see what would happen if I did nothing. I saw the blood and death, the smoke and flames I dreamt of as a child. I could see the blow as it came down. It was when I saw the branding on the cycle as it appeared, just a few years before it would all happen, that I knew what I was truly looking at. I knew then why I dreamt of those things. I knew what use Amma's training was to me. I knew why I survived for so long when anyone else would have died. I knew why I was, what I was meant to do. In that moment, I saw the purpose of my life, and I accepted it. This chain of events allowed me to move past my anger, to the Road Untraveled," Loki spoke with a firm confidence that never wavered. When it came to what she was meant to do, she knew and even embraced it. There was nothing but calm certitude in her demeanor as she spoke, "In that moment, Tony, I knew that my life belonged to the Nine Realms. Everything I did was in service of Yggdrasil." It was one defining moment in a chain of moments that Loki knew could be arranged in no other manner than what they were. There was no escaping from it.
