- Chapter 43 -
"You ..., you deliberately ..." Tony couldn't get the words to come out. There was a very visceral déjà vu that recalled when he'd found out the truth all those years ago. He felt small, angry, and terrified. The anger wasn't anywhere near as much as he wanted it and he was upset at Loki. She'd taken his anger away from him. Tony didn't feel right without the roiling inferno in his chest. The embers weren't sparking to life fast enough. I want my anger back, his seidr whispered to no one in particular.
Loki shrugged, there wasn't anything else to do. "You can't break what's already broken, Love. If I'd attacked him outright I would have had no chance to win. This wasn't a fight that I could risk losing. I had to win. My family's safety, trillions of lives in the Nine Realms, and countless others in the rest of the universe were hanging in the balance. He can never be allowed near the gate network."
"So, I did what I had to do. You have to understand, Tony. Everything led me to that one moment. Amma's training me with the Masquerade of Shadows which so closely mimics the void, Frey teaching me the meaning of family, my father teaching me to wield power, the Norns taking me and training me, my realization of what my life was made to accomplish. All of these things let me embrace that one moment, to make of it all that I could. It was all a chain of moments, pushing me inexorably forward along the Road Untraveled, to this one choice." It was another defining moment in her life. Loki hopped off the counter and faced him.
"I saw the path ahead and it wasn't easy. There's no glory in madness, but it's what I had to work with. I thought if I took responsibility for the act, then I could at least see it as it happened so I'd know where the breaks were, and he wouldn't. It worked. My mind shattered apart, but I was able to keep just a shard of myself intact. That was all I needed. It was a tiny pearl of sanity buried under countless broken layers of madness. It was so small that he never thought to use the gem to see if I was lying. I was mad, and he believed that." Anger and hurt seeped into her voice. Her chest hurt from remembering. The dull ache spread anger with it. It was still such a raw memory. Somehow, Tony's horrified silence angered her.
"I needed him to believe that I welcomed his poisonous whispers. 'They've abandoned you. Aren't you angry? They've hurt you. Don't you want revenge?' I needed him to believe that I was grateful that he used the scepter to stitch me back together!" Loki's voice rose in anger, "I needed him to believe me when I told him that I wanted revenge, that I'd do anything he asked if he could give me that. I needed him to believe me, so he'd give me the scepter, so he'd give me the Infinity Gem. He did everything I needed him to! He gave me the gem, sent me away with it, trusting that I would burn everything in my path."
Tony opened then closed his mouth, everything he wanted to say seemed wrong. All he could think was, "How could you do something so desperate?" How do I fix memory chains? One more repair to make …
Raw emotion stabbed at Loki. She could almost see the thoughts playing across Tony's face. She could see him thinking; desperate, horrifying, wrong. His seidr was still complaining miserably about not being angry enough. Her voice got louder and louder until she was yelling. "Maybe it was desperate, that doesn't matter! It worked. You know why I was so desperate! What was I supposed to do?! Who else did I have to go to? What would you have done? Tell me that?" Loki turned and walked a few feet away.
When she turned back to him there was nothing but anger in her eyes, "You have no idea what it's like to stand before the horde and know that NO ONE is coming to your aid! You have no idea what it like to know that you're the only one standing in between your home and your adversary, and you're so worthless to your own family that they didn't even look for your corpse, so there's no possibility they'll send you aid!" Loki took a step closer, spitting her words like venom, "You have no idea what it's like to know that you have millions of opponents and if even a single one of them gets through your defense then everything you've worked for, given for, sacrificed for will burn!"
.-.-.-.
Large tears obscured her vision before trickling down Frigga's cheeks. That's not true. I looked for you. I did. She leaned a little more into Odin as the horror she'd felt at what Lord Hela had taken from Loki flared up again. Little tremors traced down her spine to shake her. Frigga leaned a little closer to Odin and held a little tighter. Fear streaked through the horror in her mind. Irrational as it was, she wanted to pull Thor over by her. She could keep a hand on him then. Loki had been ripped away from her. Frigga felt the wound from it even though there was no blood. She feared that she might be about to lose Odin and Thor as well. She feared the Norns who brought her these terrible revelations. More than anything or anyone else she feared the Truthkeeper. He brought the certainty that it truly happened and was still happening.
Holding tighter to his wife the, it was a struggle for Odin to not simply pull her into his lap so that he could curl completely around her. The beast within him was growling and snarling, howling in pain. It was the only noise in his quietly numb mind. If it hadn't been for the presence of a Norn chosen Truthkeeper then he wouldn't have believed any of this. Part of him still couldn't believe. That his son had willingly maimed then broken himself wasn't what he ever wanted to believe. Loki was always so brilliant, always studying something. His mind was shining gem with razor sharp edges. The thought of Loki willingly smashing something so beautiful and precious only made the stillness in his mind more pronounced as pain cut through him. It left him feeling hollowed out and anxious. He wanted, needed, to be able to set his hands on his son. Odin could make sure that Loki was stable then see him to the healers. There were no guaranteed techniques to heal a broken mind, however. Rebuilding the memory chains was possible but the odds of success were low. What few successes he had in the dungeons always came with the person being left as a husk of their former selves. It wasn't what he wanted for Loki. The tools he needed to make the techniques he knew viable didn't exist to his knowledge. However, there were still several monasteries with libraries of obscure and ancient knowledge across the realms that he hadn't been to. They might hold some clue to how Loki's mind might be healed, since his heartstring couldn't be. It was a thin hope, since he'd more than likely have to deal with Stark first.
Loki, my Little Brother, broken. Thor swayed slightly in his seat. There was a light-headed dizziness playing havoc with his balance. The information that normally flowed a little too easily through his mind without being grasped and kept ground to a complete halt. What his Little Brother did felt like a square peg that he was attempting to force into round hole. No matter how he tried, he simply couldn't make it fit. The entire thing might have flown apart were it not for the forceful hammer pounding everything into place. It was a single thought, weightless yet crushing. The Norns say it's true …
Leaning over the table, Frey's every breath was a conscious move. Who else did I have to go to? It hurt more to hear it now than it did to hear the first time. His eyes squeezed shut and he willed the tears away. Today I have failed Loki again. How can I tell her this? How? Frey fought the urge to weep. It was useless, beaten response that he was always ashamed of. I can try to roll with this blow as much as I want, but I can't stop it.
.-.-.-.
"You tell me, what would you have done better than I did? Go on, what would you have done?" Loki took a step toward him and pointed directly at him. Her chest was heaving, breath coming quick in anger. The ache spread towards to her spine, touching at the edges of it. She tried to calm down but couldn't quite manage it. Distinct nervousness spread through her thoughts at the prospect of the ache wrapping around her spine. The pricklish pain would begin then.
Opening his mouth swiftly, Tony wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that there was another way, then stopped. What would you have done? Would you have been able to do everything Loki did? He let the air out of his lungs in a sour gust. He wanted his anger back. His blood was cold without it. "Nothing," Tony could see it clearly. He'd put his faith in his tech and go in for a frontal attack. It always worked for him. He thought back on the Chitauri he faced in New York and realized that he would've been completely overwhelmed in a matter of minutes. He knew the Chitauri's capabilities very well. The immense power he held now wasn't anything he'd come close to back then. He walked over to her, "I wouldn't have thought about subterfuge back then. I would've just attacked. I probably would've killed lots of them, and still lost. Even a million of them against one of me back then would be too many. Twenty-five times that," Tony shook his head, "there'd be no way I'd win."
His candid admission swept away Loki's anger. That helped to calm her more than anything. She stood still, staring at the floor. Even after spending so many years together, it was still a shock how easily Tony admitted that she was right about something. Thor or her father would've argued for hours with her. Honor and glory, she thought bitterly. His admission eased the discomfort of having to relive the event. The memories always left her feeling rubbed raw and set on edge. Everything became an irritant and it was difficult not to lash out. The dull ache was a bitter reminder. Loki stepped back, but didn't look up when she spoke, "It doesn't matter anymore, everything's done, there's no changing the past." What has happened will happen and must always happen. I can't change the Road Untraveled. Not even for you.
Though he recognized when his wife was feeling more like a hedgehog than a needy cat Tony still itched to hold her. He backed away, into the kitchen. He wasn't sure where to begin, what to say. Something was tickling at the edge of his thoughts. "Your family didn't look for you when you fell? You said Frey did." He still didn't think he could be angry at Frey, but he had to know anyway. It would just make his anger at everyone else that much worse.
"He was the only one. You know I'm worthless to my parents. Why would they look for me?" Loki shrugged again. There was no hurt in her over that. She'd accepted that she was worthless to her family centuries ago. The only pain left was the worrying ache in her chest. It was still too close to her spine.
The rage simmering just beneath the surface ignited again. It wasn't a full-blown inferno yet, but it would be soon enough. Before it got to that point it needed a target. Any target would do.
Even Howard would have looked for me. They always kept track of us. Tony had known for years that Loki's parents were bad people, but this? In light of everything he knew, there would be no forgiveness for them. Even an Elder Stark wouldn't let go of their offspring so easily, yet Loki's parents did. Frey was the only one of them who was family. No one else. "So, what you're telling me is that your uncle looked for you, but your parents just said, 'Fuck it, who cares?' That's what happened? They didn't even look?"
"Enough! You know I'm nothing to them! Leave it be!" Loki said loudly, her voice rising again.
"Why should I? They're bastards! Why shouldn't I be angry?" Tony yelled back. "After everything you've done, they didn't even look for you?!"
.-.-.-.
Shame colored all of Odin's thoughts. He too thought it was a maelstrom Loki fell into. He knew that Frey looked. His brother-by-law spent almost a month searching the area with Skithblathnir, the battleship he commanded. No one from Asgard was sent to look for Loki because he believed there to be no body left to look for. He knew it and didn't wish for the pain of confirmation. Watching his son perish was agonizing enough. Having his Fleet Commanders confirm that his son was gone when he already knew it was more than he felt able to handle. It was one of the few times he was glad for the crown. It gave him something to fall back on besides insidious grief. He planned out much of his own life. His sons would be married to virtuous women. They would be healthy and happy with children of their own. All would be well when his life came to a close. Losing Loki destroyed all of that. In place of the serene orderliness that was there for more than a thousand years, there was a consuming grief that spawned a subtle but consuming anxiety. Since he thought Loki dead the first time he'd refused to allow Thor to go anyplace he considered dangerous. It limited the boy's options to Vanaheim and Midgard. Odin had known for hundreds of years that Frey would fight to protect Thor. That point was driven deeper when Frey held a funeral for Loki, even without finding a body. He didn't attend, nor did anyone from Asgard. Thor was angry with that, as was Frigga, but he thought the charges of treason outweighed his desire to attend. Odin didn't want to be seen as endorsing lawlessness. It was his own son's funeral, but he still didn't attend. Frey teaching me the meaning of family. They were such bitter words. Have I never been a good father to you?
.-.-.-.
"They didn't know, you can't blame them for that. It's not their fault," Loki's skin was staring to itch. Thinking about how he used the Infinity Gem and the box with its blue burn and worms to stitch her into his instrument of wrath was always painful. The madness had stripped away everything, leaving only purpose behind. What he did to make her whole was worse. The burning itch of the blue liquid remained. The urge to tear off her skin was always strong. Anything just to make it stop. Loki vaguely remembered the small cell that she spent some time in. The dirt floor smelled like metal and was better than the bindings that cut into her wrists as she woke hanging from the ceiling. Besides that, she remembered the screaming and chittering of other prisoners, fragments of the cutting, the whispering, the blue liquid as it streaked through her veins. The nibbling worms still haunted her nightmares. Mostly she remembered the coffin like box she'd all but lived in for the time she spent there.
"Maybe they didn't know, but that's no excuse for them to not even look. They're supposed to be your parents. What about Thor? They would have looked for him!" Tony couldn't stop, "I knew they were irresponsible fucks, but this, this?! I really thought I couldn't hate your father more, I did. I thought, 'There's no possible way I could hate him anymore. I just don't physically have it in me'. I was wrong. I was really fucking wrong!"
The urge to hit something, someone, was growing stronger. Tony looked down, his hands were clenching into fists again. He could feel the anger building in his chest. The burn was soothing. It would be a full-fledged inferno before long. "They're so damn useless. So goddamn worthless. Arrogant hypocrites, conniving, lying, cheating, ignorant bastards! They're so, so," Tony didn't notice the change in Loki's expression.
"Reprehensible?" She asked, both her expression and tone of voice was neutral.
"Worse than that!" Tony said eagerly. The anger was sparking faster.
"The worst of the worst?" Loki asked again.
"Absolutely," Tony agreed. His heart beat faster as the sparks grew hotter.
"I suppose someone would have to be wretched fool, worse than the worst, to defend people like that," Loki said quietly. It would never end. There would be no peace before she left him.
Tony didn't see until it was too late. He stared at her with eyes wide. "No, babe. I didn't mean, I wasn't saying that." The sparks burned worse than white hot metal as the flame turned inwards again. He took a step towards her with his arms held out. He could fix this. His seidr flickered out to forge into a Regenerative Weave which he instantly slid into Loki's blood before it fed back into his core.
Loki stepped back from him. The warmth of his weave didn't make her feel any better. She couldn't stop the tears in her eyes from falling. "Do you want to know why I've never argued with you when you curse my family? Do you?" she asked quietly. "On the day I returned to Asgard to warn them, I went to my father. I tried to warn them. Do you want to know what they did?" her voice was still quiet as she spoke.
Tony tried to close the distance between them and was again denied. "Loki, please," he whispered. She's crying, she's crying again! Not again!
"THEY LAUGHED AT ME!" Loki screamed at Tony. Her voice shrank suddenly, "They laughed at me, and told me to 'Remember my place.' They laughed, while our enemy laughed as he marched to our gates unseen! I don't have any good reasons for why I still care when I know I shouldn't! They're the only family I've ever known!" The only thing keeping the ache from her spine was the warmth of Tony's Regenerative Weave.
"Loki, please, I didn't mean it," Tony spoke quickly. The sparks ignited into a flame hot as white phosphorus.
"No! You've been saying it for years now. I must be so stupid, such a witless child," Loki voice choked with tears.
"No, no, no, that's not it," Tony said quickly, taking a step closer. The flame burned through his chest and into his back, tightening his shoulders to the point of pain as it went. It was a pain that streaked down his back to become cutting.
"Yes, it is! Don't lie to me. You think I'm an idiot! Only a brain damaged fool would defend people like that." Loki was so tired of the anger and the arguments. She shook her head. "It's never enough, is it?"
Tony hated to see Loki cry. It was a long-standing and bitter hatred. He didn't want to be the cause of her tears again. "No, no. Babe, please. I didn't mean it like that." I never wanted to hurt you!
"It's never enough. No matter what I give, it's never enough. For anyone," embarrassment burned on her face. The tears were cold as they slid over her skin. Loki's breath hitched in a single sob as her seidr flared encompassing her in emerald fire. In an instant she was gone, teleported away.
Tony stood in the kitchen alone. I made Loki cry. I made Loki cry again. I promised her I would never do that again. I made Loki cry. A small tremor worked its way painfully down his spine. All of his rage burned inwards. Inwards was always the first place it burned. The charred trails were well worn and always smoldering. He could still see her grief-stricken face. I did that. Another tremor worked its way down his spine like acid, then another. Tony could see the fire in his blood, it burned its way across his vision turning it orange-red. His hands clenched into fists. The flames danced through him, from him. The burning torrent of rage crested over the meager dam of control he had. That insufficient dam broke again under the pressure of its tide. He shook with anger at himself, at everyone else but her. How could I be so stupid?! "FUCK!" his voice was the roar of grief. Fiery waves of seidr exploded from his skin to engulf the area around him. His rage burned him. It was going to burn everything else as well. They would all burn together.
.-.-.-.
Heimdall raised a brow and considered for a moment. A blind, mortally wounded Prince of Asgard has single-handedly defended all the Nine Realms, "the bards would enjoy telling this epic."
