The way I see it, as long as you come out of the battle alive, you're one step closer to your dream.
–
He slumped in the cell, nursing his complimentary glass of whiskey. His feet ached from endless pacing, and his head hurt from thinking.
He was Seifer fucking Almasy. An explosive force of nature, uncontainable by anything and anyone – excelling was in his blood. The world was his, and there was no one like him. There never would be again.
And all he had ever wanted was recognition.
His posse had seen him for who he was: shining, golden, and deserving of everything. That's who he thought he was too. Yeah, 'til everything went south for him. Why wouldn't it? Then they'd tried to help him, but the truth was set in stone – he was always gonna turn out like this. No one could save him from Seifer fucking Almasy.
Now, as you know, it's your time on this earth
While we're rocking the cradle, we're riding the hearse
Because what choice did he have? There was no backing down from the greatness his whole life'd been building to. What was it his instructor had said once… the brighter the flame, the faster it burns? He'd been an inferno, and it'd burned him alive.
But that was all anyone wanted, in the end. To shine bright and be admired…
We keep moving upward towards everything free,
And kindly look downward and oh, you'll see me
He laughed a one-beat chuckle in his throat. That's who he'd really ended up being to the world. Its number one whipping boy – a dazzling beacon stripped of its potential and used as a lighthouse to avoid the same mistakes.
I've had six years of luck, I've had six on the line
And I've poured myself out like an old, bitter wine
He'd given everything he had. Plain and simple. He raised the glass and took another burning sip, exhaled and set it down beside the bars. Given it all away for greatness, and in the end gotten nothing for it. He felt drained and lost, hunched in this cell like the monster they all told him he was.
I've seen much of nothing, and nothing's the game
I've been thrown on my back, and I don't know my name…
Who was a man when you'd beaten away his spirit? The sorceress knew: no man at all. That's what she'd relished about him – it'd been so easy to mold him, to shape his dreams into hers and replace his beliefs with pledges of devotion. And he'd fallen harder than anyone for it. She'd called him foolish, and she was right.
Now the sorceress was gone, and he was stuck in here. He curled up against the wall, hugging his knees. He didn't know who he was anymore.
There's too many tears
Too many tears
Too many people, in too many years…
Fucking up wasn't a strong enough descriptor for what he'd done under her command. When his eyes closed, he could still see screaming faces and shattering glass. His reality slipping away from him even as his knuckles tightened to cling to himself.
When she'd done… whatever she did to him at the TV station, everything'd gone hazy. He could've sworn he'd seen screens everywhere, all showing his own confused face back at him. And her, standing in the middle. Her…
Some tears of laughter, and some tears of pain
That break like a fever,
And fall like rain
Then suddenly, Fujin. Crying for him. Impossibly stripped of her own defenses in the face of his heartbreaking cruelty. That was when he knew he'd fucked up. When his own posse had had to beg at his feet for him to go back to the way he'd been, the way they'd been, was when he'd understood deep down how irreparable he was – and how they'd never be the same, ever again.
He could only be sorry. For everything.
But it was too late for him.
Points on the map
Tears line the way
I've seen all your pretty things, and oh, it's a shame
Because he was being pulled by the throat now, his enchanting sorceress replaced by a cold and ruthless mistress – cursing himself again and again for his own helplessness to escape. Not even his old flame with Rinoa could compare to the destruction that was set to consume his entire being.
There's been much confusion with too many hurt,
I feel my words dying down in the dirt
His head dropped sideways against the bars, and he closed his eyes. Helpless and powerless. A monster. That was how everyone saw him, he was certain. Probably even himself. His true desires, hopes and fears, even his dreams, had gotten buried so deep down he didn't know what they were anymore.
His finger traced the empty glass's rim in circles, over and over.
I've had lies in my head, there's been lies in my heart
I've been tortured by this riddle and I don't know how to start
Full of himself. That was another thing Instructor Trepe had accused him of being, alongside arrogant, selfish, fearless, and gifted. None of those felt like him anymore. The sorceress had hollowed him out so completely, tangled up everything he'd been, that the only way for him to escape that torture was to lash out and inflict it on others.
Under his screwed-up eyelids, he watched Squall scream and convulse as ten thousand volts arced through every muscle he had. Seifer's clasped hands trembled the same way. He'd never forget it, but not for the reason anyone would expect from him: it was because in that moment, he was certain they were feeling the exact same sensation.
The erasure of the self, in agonising waves.
With a lightning flash and thunder, boys,
And my mind, it starts to click
Squall again, advancing now, gunblade drawn. Zell, Irvine, even Trepe, cornering him like an animal – even as her voice whispered in his ear again, and everything went hazy.
They were right to hunt him down – he was too dangerous to be left standing.
So do what you must do, and you best do it quick
There's too many tears,
Too many tears
Too many people, in too many years
Some tears of laughter, and some tears of pain
That break like a fever,
Dizziness took over, and he lurched back to alertness to escape the flood that was washing him away. Counting to ten, slowing down breath by breath, using all the methods Dr. Kadowaki was teaching him to steady his tiny dinghy against the raging storm his life had turned into.
And fall like rain
He pressed his eyes with one shaking hand. His mind said why are you even bothering, but he ignored it. To pay attention to that would mean death. Not that it mattered; it was inevitable either way.
Doctor, oh doctor, my world's in your hands
I feel like I'm dying, and oh, I need a plan…
Inhale, exhale. Stay alive 'til you die. Best plan he had. Breathe in…
Hold…
Breathe out. Try to relax for me, Seifer.
Sister, sweet sister, there's blood on my lips
Why does it feel like this wound's doing flips?
But his breath hitched as he remembered Fujin crying again, for Hyne's sake. Her face was stoic this time as she bore his confessions bravely on her shoulders. Those sober moments of his were the only chances he'd gotten to confide in anyone, and she was the only one who'd let him.
But he'd known he was hurting her just by being around. Raijin couldn't even bring himself to be there, and she definitely couldn't do it forever.
And neither could he, because this was where his memory got hazy again…
The dream's come on time
It's clear, I can tell
I've seen your work everywhere, and there's mercy in hell
Because the sorceress was in his head again. He hated her, and loved her – she was everything, she was oblivion. His sense of direction was crushed by the fleeting sense of purpose she afforded him, because his dreams were hers. Like a moth to the flame, he already knew he'd bend his knee and serve.
With a lightning flash, and thunder, boys,
And again it all comes down
And I see my life merging with these poor souls underground
In the end, even the posse had fallen apart. They wanted from him what he couldn't give: the old him. When he'd dismissed them at Lunatic Pandora, he'd meant it. He fully expected, maybe even intended, to die in that last fight with Squall and the others. There was no other future he could see for himself.
Certainly not this. Sitting in a cell, waiting to be sentenced to death like livestock. Any minute now, that door would open and he'd be hauled off. No one deserved him any gentleness.
There's too many tears
Too many tears
Too many people, in too many years
Some tears of laughter, and some tears of pain
That break like a fever…
Dimly he heard the door open, but didn't bother looking up. Whatever poor guard had been sent to drag him away could spare a moment of silence for the damned.
"SEIFER."
But the silence was broken, and suddenly he understood why the footsteps had been so quiet. He looked up and saw Fujin standing there, and had to see one more of those Hyne-damned tears in his lifetime.
Too many already. Far too many from her.
"FEELING?" she asked him in an exhausted voice.
Her voice was comfort and it was execution. She was the last person who could bring herself to come talk to him like this, and it'd been so long he'd thought she was gone already. Like Raijin, who'd been unable to work through his own tears long enough to help Seifer with his, that huge-hearted lug.
And Seifer would never ask him to go through this. This was horrible. Retirement home for the soon-to-be dead. What could either of them possibly say to make this okay?
"I'm alive," he croaked with humorous irony.
Fujin just stayed still and quiet.
A wry smile tugged at his mouth. "Hey, cheer up, Fu. When I'm gone, you won't have to deal with this anymore."
This broke the dam. With a keening cry her stoic composure cracked, and enough tears for two eyes began to spill from her one. She crumpled on the other side of the bars and pressed her forehead against them, as close to his as she could get, shaking from the effort of bearing the weight his existence put on her.
And fall like rain.
"Fu…"
He reached through the bars and stroked her hair, pushing the guilt aside to soothe her as best he could. She shook and sobbed and it hit him all over again just how much emotion his posse still held for him. Raijin wasn't here, but Seifer knew he was probably in an even worse state than Fujin right now.
She pressed herself into his hand, and he decided speaking to her would probably help more than hurt right now. She'd want some words to remember his voice by.
"Thank you for comin' here, Fu. Really."
Fujin looked up at him, hopeful but wary, and he knew she was scanning him. Was he really the same old Seifer, or would he snap and turn hazy any second now? No – he was done doing that to them.
"I know I've made a lot of mistakes."
She shook her head. "ALL HAVE." Her eye fixated on some spot on the floor behind him, and she went silent.
"You know what I don't regret, though? You know what's not a mistake?" He coaxed her into looking at him again. "Bein' with you two." He gave her a weak smile, and she smiled faintly back. "Best decision of my goddamn life, right there. I'd be less than nothing without my posse."
A pained giggle escaped her, and she thumped his arm. "KNOW TRUE."
It wasn't often she giggled, and Seifer smiled despite himself. With a heavy heart, he reached up a hand to grab her arm, for his own comfort as much as hers.
"Listen." He sighed. "Any minute now, they're gonna take me away. And when they do-"
But Fujin firmly shook her head, and gripped his forearm tighter. Don't talk, it said, and he knew it was hurting more than helping now. So he just did the same, and held her tighter, too.
"I'm so fuckin' grateful for you two," he choked in a strained voice, and to his surprise a tear of his own trickled down his cheek. "You're my posse."
"Always will be," Fujin whispered.
The door slammed open, and for the first time in months, terror seized him. He couldn't let go, not like this, while she quaked in his grasp and he struggled not to shatter to pieces – why couldn't they have been given five more minutes?! But the huge guard was closing in, swallowing Fujin's silhouette and reducing Seifer's lifespan to just a few inadequate, stolen minutes –
– "SEIFER!" Fujin shrieked, clinging with a death grip –
– and as more of his tears spilled out to join the first, Seifer Almasy finally realised he did not want to die anymore.
He couldn't. How could he leave his posse all alone?
"Seifer!" a trembling, hopeful voice said. "Good news, ya know?!"
What?
Seifer looked up at the huge guard. Who wasn't a guard.
And couldn't believe his fucking eyes.
Raijin?! he mouthed, because his voice had stopped working. Fujin had whipped around to see him, and was trembling so hard he was scared she'd break on the spot.
"Good news!" Raijin sobbed in relief, a huge wet smile on his face. "Squall stepped in, ya know? Says you're off the hook!"
Off the hook.
It was a while before he realised everything'd gone hazy again.
But as he slowly refocused on Fujin's worried face, asking him if he was still here, he realised it wasn't a horrible numbing kind of hazy. Because the bars between them were gone – Raijin had been given the key, and Seifer felt giddy and lighthearted and ecstatic, like he'd been told the whole world was his to explore and really, truly believed it.
His arms threw around them both and he pulled them as tightly into him as he could, on his feet for the first time in forever and finally himself again.
"Goddamn." A laugh bubbled out of him. "God fuckin' damn."
"It's gonna be okay, ya know?" Raijin blubbered, crushing him so hard he winced.
"Whoa, easy, Rai…"
Fujin just sniffed, burrowing her face away from sight.
He squeezed both of them, still trying to catch up with what was going on. Off the hook. Did he dare believe it? He wasn't done living, but never dreamed he'd get to try again.
Dreams… did he have one?
What did he want now?
He quickly found the answer in the faces of his friends, Fujin's buried in his chest and Raijin's laughing while tears and mucus streamed down his face. He wanted to be with them, as much as possible, for as long as possible. If they'd let him, anyway. If they did, he'd throw away all the guilt and grab on as hard as he could, as long as he lasted.
"Are you guys okay with havin' me?" he asked them sheepishly.
Fujin nodded into his chest and clutched tighter.
"Are ya serious?!" Raijin boggled at him.
Seifer laughed in relief at his newfound will to live, his posse, and how despite everything, he'd somehow been given a second chance with all of it. Hyne.
He'd come out of the battle alive.
"DEPART?" Fujin's muffled voice asked.
He gave her another squeeze in response, then maneuvered so they were on either side of him. "Sure, Fu."
"Where to, ya know?" Raijin gasped, still shaky from shock.
Fujin just shrugged.
"'Cause I was thinkin'," he went on, uncertain, "ya know… maybe…"
Seifer looked at him for a moment, then palmed away his own tears and smiled. "Hey, Rai. How about we go fishing?"
Raijin laughed wetly and took the handkerchief Fujin offered him to wipe himself clean.
Their arms around each other's shoulders, the posse supported each other, heading for the door together.
One step closer to the dream.
––
Song: Too Many Tears by The Call
A/N: I'd heard this one covered years ago by Celldweller, and immediately thought of the turbulent journey Seifer went through as I listened to the lyrics. It's got this jaunty but grim energy, and the lyric video with its rainstorm down an endless road put me in mind of how he ran and ran as hard as he could but only ever got grief for it. He would've made one hell of a hero if he could escape himself for five minutes.
To those who read, thank you for taking the time! I just wanted to do this as a personal thing, but any reviews or thoughts are very much appreciated. Did you feel anything? Could it be better? Let me know!
Lastly, go listen to the song! I haven't actually listened to the original one, so I can only say the Celldweller one is really good, but they're both worth your time. Good song for a rainy day, if you feel what I mean. Oh, and if anyone happens to have a song they think really suits a character, and wants me to give it a go, I'd be excited to try it. I'm pretty happy with how this one turned out, so I can only hope I get the chance to do it again.
'Til next time!
-Zusizu
