HETALIA BELONGS TO HIDEKAZ HIMARUYA


«Much is told about the Spanish joy and there is nothing more heartbreaking and melancholic than this Spanish land. Sad is the landscape and sad is the art» (José Martínez Ruiz "Azorín")


The day we got the first sign that something was wrong with Spain my first reaction was to smirk and think that old Spain was making a fool of himself in front of the whole world again. Still to this day I regret having thought such thing, but I'll say in my defense that none of us had the slightest idea of what was really going on, and those who knew a little more than the others couldn't even imagine how serious the whole issue was.

Now that I see things from the distance of time, I realize we should be very thankful that Austria lost his temper during the summit. Had it not been for him, none of us would have known a thing and the damage would have probably been greater or irreversible. We owe much to his temperament, and that's why I am starting this narration at that point, even though the problem had been going on for a long time.

As I said, everything started in one of the meetings at the European Council. European or American, all of them are the same. They are full of dead hours, treating issues with no importance or interest, so many that one often asks themselves what's the point of keep doing this, unless the purpose is to justify some very good salaries or feeding a sense of self-importance. It is not unusual to see attendants looking at their phones while no one's looking, exchanging notes or texts with the nation next to them or slumbering. Even the most serious, polite and important nations cannot resist the urge to close their eyes and picture themselves back at home, cozy, warm, watching television or eating. But it is our duty to attend these meetings, it is the only thing our citizens ask us to do. Sometimes something good comes from all these endless hours of bureaucracy. And, in the European Union, no one wants to upset Germany. He barks a lot.

Of course, Spain did what was expected from him and closed his eyes after finding a comfortable posture. His neighbors didn't mind about it, since they were used to it; in fact, if one watches the recordings, they can see Portugal struggling to keep his open. There are countries which don't understand this tendency to take naps. They believe it is something in the air, in the water, in the blood. Some think it is the sun, which shines shiner in certain parts of the world and steals our energy, fries our brains, having to work under it reduce us to the basic instincts of eating, resting and making love. Although it is true that it gives us a bad image, and more to countries like Spain that the Northern accuse of being pigs who do nothing but lay under the sun all day doing nothing, living off others, there are some who have a wrong idea about us—and I include myself at this point—, and look us down.

The thing is, Austria didn't feel understanding that day. I suppose he got out of bed on the wrong foot and didn't have his piano near to let off some steam. That's Austria for you: he rarely tells what's upsetting him and expects us to figure it out somehow, maybe telepathically. So, as I said, Austria noticed that Spain had fallen asleep. It was his turn to speak and he wanted to be listened. Probably he wasn't in the mood to stand any discourtesy. So he walked towards him with a silent but firm pace and once he was behind him, with everyone in the room quiet like dead people, watching with great expectation—as I said, these meetings are normally very boring and this was a good way to spice them up—, he grabbed Spain by the hair, not sure if he wanted to hit his head against the table or pull until he screamed of pain...

...But what happened was that his mane detached from his head.

Not only the countries and the staff, Austria himself was in shock for an instant, looking at the hair in his hand and Spain in front of him, who now showed a long and blond hair.

"WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?!" He exclaimed then.

Spain opened his eyes and was left speechless and very still in his seat, looking around him like his brain had stopped working and didn't know how to react. Some like Poland had to cover their mouths not to be seen snickering. I believe they thought Spain had done something weird with his hair. At least until his bodyguards took him out quickly and without saying a word.

Since Spain didn't have to talk but his vote was needed, there was a break, during which the Europeans got the announcement that the summit had to be cancelled.

All this made me cringe. Spain was acting like a clown again...He had one job and he wasn't doing it.

News got around quickly out of Europe. America, Japan, Russia, England, all of us heard about it. The issue ended up in newspapers all around the world, in all news broadcast. In Spain it was quite a commotion; in television, in the streets, everyone talked about it 24/7, for weeks.

Because it turned out that the man sitting in Spain's place at the Council was not Spain.

In order to appease their European colleagues, his government was forced to admit that the individual was actually a hired actor who was dressed up was the nation to fill his space. Among the matters that were going to be discussed that day were some very important for Spain that couldn't be delayed, so they paid that man to replace him.

What about the real Spain? The answer was quite vague: "He's not feeling well".

The press found everything out sooner than the government would have wanted and the scandal arose. Why did they trick Europe and the citizens like this? How long had this sham been going? Were the deals signed by the impostor null? And most importantly: where was Spain to ask him if he knew about the actor, ask him about his health...? The Spain we know does not waste the occasion to complain about his pain and problems, he loves to air his complaints. I talked about it to Argentina and she told me she hadn't been able to contact him to know how he was.

Honestly, I doubted he was sick. I know him very well. He often makes up excuses to avoid certain commitments.

Weeks passed and there were still no news from Spain, he wasn't seen anywhere. His ministers and ambassadors took care of his responsibilities. Soon the actor scandal was forgotten after a new controversy, scandal, fad. (That is the way it works, I'm afraid: if a scandal arises, one just has to cover it with a new controversy heavy enough for people to forget). The other nations didn't think about it much, because they had enough with their own issues to care about Spain's, and they just shrugged it off.

"There's nothing to worry about. He'll show up any second now as if nothing happened." Portugal told everyone.

"As if you didn't know Spain. I am sure he's having the siesta of his life." France said.

"We all need a little break now and then." Italy apologized him.

Even Austria shifted his wrath into disappointment and stoicism:

"He must be waiting for the moment we forget about his insolence to reappear without any consequences for his actions."

No one saw him in all this time at the bar or the beach, his social media profiles hadn't had new posts in months, his chats with his friends were empty.

Some time later, business brought me to his house; I didn't need lodging. I had the key of his habitual residence, in Seville. Us his 'children' have had it for a long time. He says we're always welcome, his house is our house, so I held him to it. I entered, expecting to find him there, playing video games, living the good life while his bosses struggled saving his ass. I was picturing him giggling at his mischief.

His apartment was empty. Some parts of it had a considerable layer of dust.

Since he wasn't there, I met his Minister of Foreign Affairs.

She, the people I encounter, everyone around me, acting the way they were supposed to, but there was something in their faces, the way they talked. Like trying to shoo some unpleasant thought away from their heads, like trying to focus on the matter they were working on. Humans individually are much easier to read than nations. We are made of adversarial, contradictory, complex feelings; they are much simpler. With time, I have been able to read their faces, guess their thoughts and feelings. It is one of the perks of virtual immortality: you get to learn that it takes several lifetimes to a human being.

After a while pretending we were reaching an accord, I decided to be clear. I left my documents aside, looked at the Minister and asked her:

"Do you even know where Spain is?"

She was shocked at first. She mumbled something incoherent, a few excuses, tried to go back to the subject. Eventually, ashamed, she seemed to shrink in her seat and avoided looking at me while she muttered: "No...As a matter of fact...we don't..."

"How long?"

Another pause.

"Around six months."

"Spain has been missing for half a year and you haven't told anyone?" If I raised my voice, if I grunted, it was completely involuntary. I think I scared her. She looked at me like a frightened child.

"We are looking for him, we have been looking for him all of this time. It's just...We prefer to do this...discreetly...We are not in a good place...If the people knew their nation has disappeared, the stock market, Europe, the entire world...Our political rivals would take advantage of it, use it against us, the citizens could blame each other for his vanishing or believe he has abandoned them...Besides...We don't even know yet if he has been kidnapped by terrorists, by...We know nothing...We can't make a scandal...For our own good and Spain's..."

"Do you believe he could have been kidnapped?"

"It is one of the possibilities we are working on. Spain...He knows what his duties are, he's not that irresponsible...if he really got away...He didn't take anything with him, that we know of. His bank accounts are intact...Perhaps he kept some money at home we don't know about...He's very well known, a very important person, someone should have spotted him...Unless he changed his appearance or..."

It hurt her, having to admit all this, so I had to believe her. His government had no idea of where he could be. Still, I was calm. He had done this before: jumping off the walls of palace to go wherever he pleased, disappear and return some time later...

I was convinced he was acting like a dumb child and so I thought it was my duty to find him and bring him back to work by the ear. That's why I put my nose in Spain's business, when I could have just gone back home and care about mine, like everyone else did.

If they didn't want any noise, I would respect that. For the moment. But I had it very clear that something had to be done. Just to answer a question that was eating me: how could someone so noisy disappear so quietly?