- Chapter 59 -
Oh my dear, that was so dangerous, Frey thought. Improper removal of a memory chain could leave severe damage in a person's mind. Because of the complexity of a living mind there were very few mages who were considered competent enough to remove a memory chain. There were even fewer who were willing to do so. It didn't surprise Frey that Loki had the ability. It did shock him that she'd done it to herself. He hoped that perhaps Lady Audhumbla or Lord Ginnungagap, or even Elder Gorynych assisted with the removal. That, at least, would be safer than Loki doing it alone. I don't know why it should surprise me that Loki took matters into her own hands. That was reckless my dear, and we will have words on it.
As Loki nervously gave Stark an uncomfortable truth again Odin continued to watch. Anger and unwanted gratitude warred within him. He disliked how Stark dragged Loki about. He seemed to have no respect for Loki's person. There was an uncomfortable gratitude for Stark's unwillingness to allow Loki to be harmed if he could stop it. I suppose he's somewhat better than an overly entitled princeling. A fleeting grimace crossed his face as he glanced over at Thor. Perhaps it was best not to dwell on that until later. However, Odin could tell by Stark's lack of reaction that the Midgardian didn't understand the seriousness of what Loki confessed. He did understand, and it disturbed him to hear it. How did you come across a technique to accomplish that, child? You don't have the experience I do. Who gave you this? Can I be surprised that you used it on yourself? Knowing what lengths Loki has gone to, can I now be surprised by this? What are you truly capable of? Will I ever know you as I thought I did? Have I ever seen you? His teeth clenched as he tried to think of Loki as a woman. His son was too valiant, too stalwart to be womanly. Can I even accept this as part of you?
Loki, how could you?! Frigga drew in a small but sharp breath. Removing a memory chain was dangerous enough, but to do it to yourself was an act of utter foolishness. Her son was no fool. It was one of the things that she was most proud of. His mature and prudent attitude always held a wisdom beyond his young age. She couldn't understand how someone as thoughtful and wise as Loki would do something so dangerously foolish. This was something else she was going to have to speak with Frey on. Frigga needed to know if he knew anything about this. Then she wanted to discuss with him if he might be willing to discuss the matter with Loki. It needed to be made clear to Loki that doing something so foolishly reckless just wasn't acceptable. As much as it irritated her, she wasn't sure when she would be able to speak with Loki again. If she couldn't do it face to face, then she was going to see about enlisting her brother to do it for her.
.-.-.-.
"Part? I thought you had to remove the chain intact?" Tony asked. All the books he memorized said that memory chains had to be removed whole from the origin point.
"Anchor the chain to itself to create a loop and you can remove just the loop itself, even if it's only a single link," Loki remarked somewhat bitterly. It was something she discovered in her short quest to remove the memory chain from herself. At the time she hadn't felt like there anyone else to rely on, so she overcame the difficulties in doing it alone. Amma was furious when she found out. Afi Gin lectured her on endangering the integrity of her own mind. She was most grateful to her Afi Gorynych for his response. He was only disappointed that she hadn't sought his aid. He would've given it freely and was disappointed that she hadn't remembered that. Afi Gorynych never minded her doing dangerous things so long as he was there when she did them. It was one of the main reasons why he so approved of Frey.
"Oh. Is that in another book? I don't remember that being in the books on memory chains you let me have," Tony said.
"Tomes," Loki said sternly. "Books contain knowledge. Tomes contain spellcraft and magecraft. There's a difference." She wondered if she'd have enough time to teach him the technique she developed. He needed precise control to use it. That wasn't something he had yet. There were some days that he barely had enough control to not light all of Midgard on fire.
"Yeah, yeah, it's all paper and writing. Don't frown at me, it all memorizes the same," Tony said. "Ok, so loop the chain and you take out a single link," he sighed. He wasn't sure how that would work since it was only the basics of the process that he understood. Memories were supposed to be like a tangled knot of chains. The challenge was in finding a single chain and untangling it from all the others, then removing it without pulling on those other chains because the whole of the chains formed the person's mind. "Putting them back is supposed to be easier than taking them out, since your mind wants the memories to go back to where they belong. A single link should go back even easier than a whole chain. It's smaller so it should be faster. Right?" Tony asked.
"What makes you think I still have that link?" Loki challenged him from behind her mug of coffee. She sipped at the mocha, knowing that she could only stall for so long. She didn't feel like making a mess of the house tonight. Even though the children were in bed, there was always a risk to them when she lost control. The potential for bad things to happen during a loss of control was always high. Fooling about with her unstable memories was just too risky for her to be comfortable with.
"Really? Oh please, Loki. You never throw anything away. How much useless crap do you have stored in your journal just because," he cleared his throat and did his best impersonation of her, "I might need it someday."
"You're an arse," she grumbled. Her eyes narrowed as she glared at him without any real menace.
"You like my ass," he said cheekily. Tony turned around to playfully show off his figure.
"I should kick your ass," she replied with a smirk on her face.
"Bring it!" Tony smiled and winked at Loki. Gentleness crept into his smile then. "Come on, babe. Can you put it back?"
She looked at her coffee, swirling it around in her mug. "Maybe I don't want too," she said seriously.
He looked at her as she wouldn't look up at him. Context, Tony thought. "Why did you remove it?"
"I removed it after, after," Loki stopped for a moment. With a small shake of her head and another sip of coffee she continued. "It was after I hurt myself, after I'd gone blind. I didn't want to remember the fear, the pain, slowly loosing colors then my vision entirely. I didn't want any of it. After I was certain that I the spell was as perfect as I could make it then I set about learning how to remove certain memories. I tried to keep it to just the most painful ones, that way I wouldn't lose too much. I just needed, ... I wanted some relief."
"Babe, you don't need to justify it to me. I understand, you know I do." He placed his hands on Loki's shoulders. "All I want to know is how we can stop the pain you're in now. There might be a fix in those memories. If they're too much, then after we've fixed the spell, or if there's no fix in the memories at all, we can remove them again."
"That's reasonable," Loki had to concede that it sounded reasonable, even if it wasn't. She set her coffee on the counter and leaned into Tony for a moment. As she listened to his heartbeat she gathered her thoughts. My King of Machines wants, so he shall have. Best to get this done quickly.
.-.-.-.
It didn't sound like a reasonable idea to Frey. He could tell that Loki knew it as well. Anthony doesn't understand what he's asking her to do, else he wouldn't have asked. Frey knew that Anthony only wanted the best for Loki, it was why he pushed for an answer. However, he also knew that Anthony didn't understand the perils of introducing memories into an already broken mind. No one truly did. Training into moving memory chains was as complex as it was limited. Experts in memory chains just didn't exist in the Nine Realms. He knew it for himself. Frey had already gone hunting for someone to aid Loki. There was no mage who wanted to be an expert in something so fraught with peril to both parties. It sometimes brought tears to his eyes that the person he needed didn't exist. His nephew-by-law's training hadn't progressed beyond a basic understanding of memory chains. Frey wasn't certain that it ever would. Anthony was Midgardian after all. If this ended with what he thought it was going to then he was going to have words with Loki on this as well. It's too much stress, she knows better than this.
The perilous destination that this recording seemed headed towards displeased Odin. If Loki's mind was indeed broken, then removing or introducing memory chains was a terrible thing to do. It would displace the memory chains further. There was normally a violent displacement of all memory chains in the mind that came with it breaking. It caused fracturing in the chains themselves; links could break off and float free. Moving those broken chains without holding the broken pieces steady agitated the fracturing without fail. Rebuilding them could take years without a guarantee of success. Enough movement could grind the broken links into nothing, decreasing the likelihood of ever being able to rebuild. The husk of a person that a failed rebuild left behind was disturbing but not the only consequence of moving broken memory chains that Odin had found. There were a host of consequences, each more terrible than the last. The worst of them imperiled the core of a person's mind. The warrior King was almost certain that it was a soul he saw fade into nothing as the core of the prisoner's mind was breached and broken. Even the memory of it still sent chills down his spine. What was most unsettling in that moment though was that Stark clearly had no idea what he was asking Loki to do while his child did know and seemed genuinely intent on doing this terrible thing. Why would you do this?!
This was awful to Frigga for entirely new reasons. That Loki hadn't completely refused then explained why was shocking. That he'd simply acquiesced and looked to be truly intent on doing this was horrifying. No one with a broken mind should ever have their memories tampered with. This was nothing like the Master Mage she knew and respected. The Loki that she knew would never do something so dangerous. It was slightly bitter to see again that she truly didn't know her child nearly as well as she thought she did.
.-.-.-.
Taking Tony's hand in her, Loki led him into the living room. "Sit," she said. She uncurled her seidr to summon her mage's journal from the interdimensional pocket she carried around with her. It appeared in front of her in a flash of emerald light. The foot long by three quarters of a foot-wide tome was bound in dark green leather. Its thin pages were all a crisp white parchment. While it only appeared to be about four inches thick, it held significantly more than just that. Every mage's journal did. Her left hand supported its thick spine as it fell open to the page she needed. Her right hand brushed over the right entry. A glimmering little light arcked up to swirl around her fingertips like a living thing. She gripped her mage's journal with her seidr then dismissed it back to her interdimensional pocket. Loki swallowed nervously as she looked at the light wriggle and squirm over her fingers.
.-.-.-.
Even in all the years and all the times Loki visited him, Frey had never seen Loki's mage's journal. He was a little envious that Anthony had seen it but didn't understand enough to know what rare and intimate privilege he was being granted. It wasn't uncommon for a mage to vigilantly guard their journal. It was the vault that held their deepest thoughts, their most important spellcrafting ingredients and implements and most importantly their personal spell work. The tome was imbued with so much of a mage's seidr that it became another part of the mage. It was the second most vital part of any mage's power, after their seidr core. It was definitely the most vulnerable part of any mage's power which is why it was guarded so vigilantly. Frey was never insulted that he hadn't seen it, after all only Mattugr had ever seen his. He was still curious to see hers. Who knew what wonders were waiting within. It looked like such a plain tome as well. Frey hadn't heard of storing a memory chain in a journal. There were specially made containers, similar to gleipnirs, that were for holding memory chains instead of loose seidr. Then again, he'd never heard of removing anything less than a whole memory chain either. He filed this away with several other things he had to speak with Loki about when he saw her next. He truly hoped they would be in Vanaheim by the time he returned home, although he was probably going to teleport directly to their home when this was done. He had to be certain they were safe.
Inhaling sharply again, Frigga almost growled on the exhale. While she'd never seen her son's mage's journal, she knew what she was looking at. The way it was summoned made it obvious. For Loki to summon his mage's journal so casually in front of Stark made what was happening even more shocking. The level of trust and intimacy it implied was grand indeed. It piqued her curiosity in very bad ways as she wondered what Stark did to be allowed this privilege before they were married for at least half a millennium. All this man's mannerisms, his swearing, his grabbing at Loki, his overbearing demands, it all irritated her. Adding in his being granted such a special privilege as being allowed near Loki's mage's journal just irritated her further. Loki said that there was more than just the truth involved in their bargain. Frigga wanted to know what more there was. No mage ever willingly shared their journal so casually, even with their spouse. It simply wasn't done in proper society. It only reinforced her opinion that Loki was caught in the snare of an abusive, overbearing beast. There couldn't be another reason besides force that Loki would tolerate such demands and disrespect. Frigga wondered for a moment if they'd taught Loki to accept this type of treatment. Loki had been so harmed by being unable to be himself growing up. Perhaps that was where the lack of regard for himself had come from. It was perhaps that same lack of regard that was compelling Loki to give in to Stark's inappropriate and overbearing demands. She could be certain of nothing at that point. Frigga wanted to know why Loki was doing it; why Loki was doing any of this.
It was like one volume out of an ordinary set of encyclopedias; Odin wasn't surprised that Loki's mage's journal looked like so nondescript. It wasn't the first thing he'd pull off the shelf. When Loki chose to hide something, he hid it well. Even he hadn't realized how well his son hid things until this day. What was truly shocking was how casually his son summoned his mage's journal in front of Stark. That casual act combined with Stark's nonchalance about it spoke to this being the normal course of affairs. It might have been normal for Loki and Stark, but this wasn't normal for any other mage in polite society. Only after they'd been married for a thousand years, after they'd imprinted on one another, did he and Frigga allow each other to view their mage's journals. Odin disliked that Stark hadn't even been wed to Loki for an entire century and was being given this privilege. This was utterly crass. He knew that Loki knew it as well. While he was no longer certain that he had the power to bring Loki home over Stark's objections, he was certain that he wasn't ready to accept their marriage. Stark shouldn't have been allowed to court Loki without my consent, Odin grumbled to himself.
.-.-.-.
The little strand of memories continued to squirm on her fingers. Loki held the memories up to her face so that they could jump from her hand into her mind. Emerald light suffused her eyes briefly then flickered away. She could feel the link falling back into place with a grinding sensation deep in her skull. A flood of images flashed before her eyes. The accompanying emotions hit her hard. "Oh, I remember," Loki whispered. A shudder and a jerk had her stumbling backwards to land unceremoniously sprawled on the floor. A muffled crack came from her shoulder, but no bones slid out of place.
In an instant Tony was up and by her side. By the time he sat crossed legged next to her his seidr had already flickered out to forge into a Regenerative Weave that slid into her bones to handle the small fractures before his seidr fed back into his core. "Here, come here," he said as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap. He didn't like the dazed look on Loki's face. He gently patted her on the side of the face. "Loki, talk to me."
