- Chapter 60 -
The roar in Loki's ears was deafening. It was followed in waves by an intense internal pressure. She rested in the center of a whirlwind of flashing lights and dancing colors. They swam sickeningly close as the world tilted then up ended. Gravity and time lost their way as she was pulled and pushed in many different directions at once. There was a sibilant whisper in her ear that she couldn't make out. It was oddly comforting.
The broken edges of Loki's mind were grinding against one another. It left a tearing pain resonating from the back of her skull forward. There was a heavy weight in her chest that kept turning over and over again. Thump, thump, thump, it turned. Thump, thump, thump, it was louder than the roaring. Thump, thump, crack! Something dark and desperate seeped out of the weight into the rest of her.
A mild shaking started in her fingers, just a twitch here and there. The shaking mounted until it was traveling up her arms. The weight in her chest was less now, but the broken shards were smashing together in the shaking. The earthquake in her muscles continued rolling down her body until her legs were shaking as well. The roaring was dying down to a staccato barking. Loki remembered the feeling of this. The weight crashing down on her, the cracking and shaking, she remembered it all. There was no stopping it, no containing it, no fighting it. All she could do was wait calmly until it passed. I have enough to think about while I'm waiting, I'd better get to work.
.-.-.-.
Loki's head rested against Tony's shoulder. Her unseeing eyes stared out of an entirely blank face. She sat in his lap as limp as a marionette with cut strings. He patted her face again when she didn't respond the first time. "Loki, I know you can hear me. Please come back," he whispered. A twitch in her hand caught his attention. It was a small thing, just a fleeting movement. It was all the warning he ever got.
A moment after Loki's mouth fell open she started laughing. Her body was still resting limply in his arms. Her eyes were still blank, but she was laughing anyway. The staccato laughter grew in volume and strength until it was shaking her whole body. Her blank eyes didn't blink as tears welled up in them and spread down her face.
Once the laughter began there was no stopping it. All Tony could do was be with her and make sure that she knew he was there. He pulled Loki closer and whispered soft things into her ear. His seidr flared out without him thinking about it to run through Loki. It lit up her skin and filled in her empty eyes. As the laughter grew higher and higher in pitch he continued to whisper soft reassurances. "I'm here, you're not alone." He couldn't stop the tears filling his eyes like he couldn't stop the laughter still coming from Loki in fits and starts. He wiped angrily at his eyes then ran a gentle hand over her cheek. As the minutes passed Tony continued to hold Loki, rocking slowing back and forth. Even more minutes elapsed before the laughter died down to a series of guttural noises.
It was only after several long minutes punctuated by inarticulate grunts and whines that Loki returned to herself. Her eyes slid closed, and she listened for a moment to the soft thud of Tony's heart. She groped blindly for his hand, held tight to it when she found it. "I'm sorry," she said airily. Her chest was still heaving. The air felt like it was burning her lungs. It made it difficult to catch enough breath to speak. "Lost con-trol," her words were slow and slurred. Her mouth felt like it was stuffed full of cotton.
"It's ok. I'm here. We're together. Everything's ok." Tony continued rocking her back and forth. As he rested his head against hers he wondered if she knew this would happen. He regretted pushing her to do it. There was desperate need to know if all of this was for nothing. All he could do was rock her back and forth while he waited.
"Tony?" Loki's voice was rough from strain, but no longer slurred.
"I'm here, babe," he answered. He rocked her gently for another few minutes.
"Tony?" Loki called again. She worried when she couldn't quite find him.
"I'm here," he said again. He wiped at his eyes again.
There was something cold and hard under Loki's bare feet. What the rest of her was resting on was warm and firm. Her thoughts were slowly reordering themselves. The confusion and disorientation were clearing out. She opened her eyes and looked around. I'm in Tony's lap, she thought as she looked up at him and smiled. "I stitched it into my eyes, so it would look natural with the enchantment."
For her he tried to smile though Tony had to stop himself from grimacing. "So, it was made to fit you when you were a child?" he asked. What else have you done to yourself? Why am I still surprised?
Loki closed her eyes and leaned against him. He was comfortably warm. "Yes, I remember the whole spell. It creates new pathways." Exhaustion was oozing through her body. Losing control was always so tiring.
Hope crept into his false smile. "You can fix the spell?" he asked.
"I can do better than that. I can use it to create new eyes, replace them entirely," she said. Loki looked up at him again.
"I thought that wasn't possible?" Tony said, a little confused.
"I thought it wasn't either, that's why I never tried," Loki said. There was always an aching discomfort after a loss of control. Gentle heat always loosened the knots in her muscles. She moved to curl up in his lap to get closer to the warmth radiating from him. She covered her mouth with her hand and yawned. "I didn't know Essence Magics then. Never thought I could use it on myself," her voice dwindled away as she yawned again.
"You can fix your eyes then?" Tony asked. He wanted confirmation that this wasn't for nothing.
"If I create them outside my body, it should work," Loki said before yawning again. "Not as close to my core, shouldn't interfere," she said quietly. "This will let me, ...outside, ...myself …"
Tony gently moved her around until he had an arm under her legs and another around her body. As carefully as he could he shifted his weight forward and unfolded his legs so he could stand with her cradled close. Once he was standing he turned and headed for their bedroom. "We'll work on it tomorrow. Let's go to bed now," he said quietly. Loki was already asleep.
.-.-.-.
"That concludes this file," McCorrmick said, closing it down as it ended. He turned a pitying gaze from Loki on the screen to Loki's parents in front of him. I don't have a choice.
No, you do not, his elder aunt whispered to him in a hard tone.
The fear that sent snaking through him was quickly stowed in the quiet place with all the rest of his anxiousness, fear, and distaste. He already knew that failure wasn't an option for him. Having her come out bluntly and tell him sent his pulse spiking higher as the pressure he was under was made clear to him.
It was a quick decision when Frey decided to speak with Anthony about the stress that moving memories caused. It wouldn't be a particularly comfortable conversation, but he knew that Anthony would want to know. Toning down the complexity of the subject so that a Midgardian could understand would be crucial to having the discussion be a success. He sighed as he thought, Anthony needs to understand this as Loki's spouse and caretaker. With that decision make, he sat pondering the consequences of what he'd seen. On one side was the tantalizing prospect of being able to acquire a great boon for his people. On the other side sat Blood Magics. It was forbidden from practice for longer than he'd been alive. He'd read the accounts of the horrifying incidents that led to the ban. Shredded bodies and still living meat puppets came to mind. It was gruesome business. He'd never read anything of Blood Magics being used for healing purposes. While the ability to use it for healing certainly fit into what he knew about the forbidden magic, he'd never read of anyone using it that way. Of course, it would be Loki who would find the good in a horrible situation. When he was done speaking with Anthony, then he would speak with Loki on the spell she used. A spell that creates new pathways, he thought. It was something else to investigate. It still didn't tell him how he hadn't noticed it. He suspected the Enchantment of Elsewhere. He needed that as well if he was going to put it all together.
"What, wh-what was that?" Thor asked quietly. He wasn't speaking to anyone in particular. The empty-eyed laughter was terribly alarming. His Little Brother truly was broken. It wasn't something he could bring himself to process, let alone accept. There were more entries on that list than he was comfortable with since he wasn't comfortable with that list existing to begin with.
"Weren't you listening, boy?" Frey asked. There was none of the usual irritation in his voice. He knew how upset Thor was. It was obvious to see. Frey despised how uneducated the boy was, but if he was honest with himself; he had almost the same reaction when he first saw it.
Turning to his uncle, Thor protested, "I have been."
"Loki said it. There's no glory in madness," Frey replied softly. Thor looked away and turned back around. Seeing Loki like that was as harsh a reminder as Thor needed. He didn't need to add anything to it. Frey glanced to Odin. He seemed to be contemplating what he'd seen as well. Frigga was terribly disturbed again. Oh sweetling, I'm so sorry. It's no longer under my control. He didn't want her to find out like this. Frey had only seen Loki lose control of herself like that a few times on Vanaheim. It wasn't very often, which he was thankful for, but it did accentuate all the ways that she was different from before.
Little tremors traveled down Frigga's spine. Her left hand was clenched tight around her husband's hand while her right rested over her chest. Her gaze had already drifted down. What was on the screen was too terrible to look at. Her eyes squeezed shut and she shook her head just slightly to clear the sound of that awful laughter out of her thoughts. Having the evidence of how broken her child was put before her was far worse than simply hearing about it. Frigga still didn't want it to be true. The grief settled in, there was no getting away from it. There was no getting away from many different things, no matter how badly she wanted to. Even if she could get around Stark to get to Loki, there was no healing the injuries her son had sustained. Frigga loathed to think that Stark might be right. It hurt much more that he probably was. Whatever was left of Loki was all they had now.
Shock and a touch of grief put Clint's hand over his mouth and caused him to look down at the floor. He took a deep breath and put both hands on his bow. Its comforting familiarity helped him to calm himself faster. Part of him agreed with Thor. That part was still asking, "What was that?!" It was only a small part. He was told what happened. This was just proof of it happening. It wasn't proof that Clint wanted or even knew what to do with. Lilith was so badly injured. She bore the scars of Loki's actions and he couldn't bring himself to be as angry as he wanted. Unsettled and worried were what he had been. They were what he still was. They were what he expected to be for the foreseeable future.
Before the boy's fall, Loki presented a calm and regal face. Frey thought that he was one of the few who saw beneath those masks to the person who was wearing them, as Loki saw behind his masks. All of Loki's masks were so thin anymore. Her emotions were so much closer to the surface. Previously, he thought it would do well for the boy to be freer with his emotions. It wasn't freedom that Loki had as she was. Frey understood that the first time he'd seen it. Her vacant stare was haunting. Far from freedom, he understood that Loki was chained to her emotions for better or worse. She was unable to control them, unable to be rid of them. It was a pitiful state for someone as grand as his beloved niece to find herself in. This was one of the main reasons why Frey was so willing to go to war. Loki had given enough. She was owed some peace and quiet. He was more than willing to fight for that.
The ways out were closed, and Frey lamented not being able to leave. He was content in knowing that Odin couldn't leave either. He was uncertain if Odin would still pursue Loki for trial. Given the possible damage that Anthony and Jay could do, there was no way that Loki could easily be removed from Midgard, or Vanaheim once he had them safely there. His armies would then be added that. It would be a bloodbath. There was still more to learn, this Frey knew. He was certain that it would factor into Odin's decision but was uncertain of how. How far will you go, I wonder?
Odin made strident efforts to keep his mask in place. It was difficult to do with the beast within him wailing in his ear. What few pauses the beast took were filled in with a barking laughter that was slowly fading away. Uncontrollable laughter, loss of muscle control, loss of sensory responses, a vacant expression. That's a severe break. There are severed chains in his mind. After this long the chances of a successful rebuild almost don't exist, …he has come undone. It was a quiet thought that that wiped away anything else leaving the same stilted quiet in its wake. It became a cold quiet in his mind freezing any other thing that tried to intrude on it. Odin became frozen in his own thoughts for a few moments. As quiet as they were, they were still monstrously loud in the frigid emptiness they inhabited.
Loki has come undone. My son. My Loki. He's come undone.
