Archer drank the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This just came out of my tiny mind.
Of Marriage And Mixology
Lana walked into the bar at Pita Margarita's. She just had to get out of the house. "One margarita please," She told the bartender.
She got one quickly. "God, I need this badly," She took a drink. "That and some peace and quiet."
"Oh, come on!" A familiar voice was heard. "Nobody believes that washing hair line anymore! At least think of something more original. Put some effort into it."
"Son of a…" Lana looked over and saw Archer at the other side of the bar.
"Okay walk away!" Archer barked at the woman who left him. "Your loss! You don't know what you're missing!"
"A new form of venereal disease based on what I know about you," Lana quipped as she took a drink.
"Lana?" Archer looked at her and made his way to her. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm piloting a 747 from New York to Miami," Lana gave him a look. "What do you think I'm doing here? What are you doing here? You almost never go to this place unless it's part of a group thing."
"I thought I'd change strategies," Archer remarked. "The pickings are a bit slim at my usual haunts. You?"
"Ugh, Robert," Lana grumbled. "Sometimes I wonder why I did marry him."
"As much as I love laughing at you and the mess you made for yourself," Archer remarked. "I'm just not in the mood today." He indicated to the bartender he wanted another drink.
"Shot down again?"
"It's like I have a sign on my forehead that I have leprosy," Archer was stunned. "Or I'm poor. Or my name is Cyril Figgis."
"I thought you broke your streak with that stewardess?" Lana asked as Archer got another drink.
"I did!" Archer told her. "But my numbers are nowhere near what they used to be! Nowadays I'm lucky if I have sex two or three times a week!"
"I guess that was a slow weekend for you back in the day," Lana said dryly.
Archer took another drink. "I've gone whole weeks without having sex! You went without sex for two years! How the hell did you do it? What did you have your vibrator on maximum overdrive?"
"Something like that," Lana sighed. "Honestly with my love life lately I'm seriously reconsidering…"
"Lana you really think I want to hear about your problems with Robert?" Archer snapped angrily. "You have no one to blame for that except yourself!"
"Just what does that mean?" Lana shouted back.
"Oh, have you completely forgotten this thing where you married the guy eight months into my coma?" Archer shouted.
"Have you completely forgotten this other thing where we broke up because you were drooling over a crazy murderous movie star?" Lana glared at him. "Who not only murdered her husband and tried to frame me for it…Shot you and put you in the damn coma in the first place! Because you didn't know how to use a god damn robot decoy!"
"Oh well have you forgotten this other-other thing why I was shot?" Archer snapped. "To try and save you from going to jail!"
"Did you forget this other-other-other thing where you refused to tell the truth to the cops as a joke!" Lana shouted back.
"Well there was this other…hang on…" Archer counted. "Fourth other thing where you broke up with me first!"
"Because you were planning on cheating on me with that bitch Veronica Deane!" Lana snapped.
"Technically I wasn't planning on that," Archer admitted. "I was hoping opportunity would fall into my lap. Which it did. Literally."
"That's why I broke up with you!" Lana snapped.
"All I know is that I don't want to or have to hear about whatever problems you have with your husband!" Archer snapped. "You're putting pressure on me to work on whatever emotional thing you've got going on this week and that's not fair."
"Well, I thought you were still at least my friend," Lana grumbled.
"You haven't exactly been a friend to me lately," Archer pointed out.
"Fair enough," Lana admitted. "But you were a lousy boyfriend! At the very least you shouldn't have sold me out to the cops!"
"Fair enough," Archer admitted.
"Why did you do that anyway?" Lana asked.
"I dunno," Archer admitted. "Reflex action?"
"Ugh," Lana glared at him. "Typical!"
"Okay I admit it," Archer sighed "That was really shitty of me to do. And I never should have done it."
"You shouldn't have done Veronica Deane," Lana looked at him.
"I should have kept my watch on," Archer remarked. "Realize the real time. It would have saved us all a lot of trouble."
"Or just not have sex with her in the first place!" Lana barked.
Archer took a drink and looked at her. "You're really hung up on that no sex thing."
"It's called being faithful!" Lana snapped.
"Like you're an expert on that," Archer scoffed.
"I haven't cheated on Robert!" Lana told him. "Technically."
"Yeah, and I'm technically sober," Archer remarked as he looked at his glass. "Seriously how watered down is this scotch?"
"That's why I went for the margarita," Lana told him as she drank. "At the very least you get a sugar buzz."
"Why did you marry Robert?" Archer asked seriously. "It can't be because of the money. I know you. You'd have just strung him along if it was that. So why did you?"
"I don't know!" Lana said. "I figured getting married was going to make me happy! It was something I could do! My parents certainly kept dropping hints about how I wasn't getting any younger."
"So you married someone older?" Archer remarked. "Interesting strategy."
"Archer…"
"No, no, I get it now," Archer told her. "You married an older man so you could always feel young. That's actually a pretty good plan."
"No, I just…" Lana sighed. "Robert was there for me. You weren't! He was convenient and…And that's exactly the thing Mallory said whenever she had a one night stand."
"Hey say what you want about my mother," Archer pointed out. "But when she finally did get married at least she picked a guy her own age!"
"Thanks a lot!" Lana threw up her hands. "I really am turning into Mallory!"
"Please stop comparing yourself to my mother," Archer told her. "First of all, that is not a turn on. Secondly…I get why you let AJ think Robert is her Dad. AJ needs a father. I wasn't there and you had to do something. I mean that's a lot more than my mother ever did for me. At least you didn't make up a dead father and a fake funeral."
"Or stick her with a valet with a heroin addiction," Lana added.
"Oh yeah," Archer nodded. "Way better."
"For the record I am planning on telling AJ when she's older about you," Lana admitted. "I just…wanted AJ to have some kind of stable childhood. That's probably the other reason I married Robert. I mean I do love him. I do…What's wrong with me?"
"You're a secret agent," Archer said. "Let's face it, we're not the most stable breed there is. And half the agents our age are dead by now. Christ. That's a thought."
Lana pointed out. "You killed at least a quarter of them."
Archer shrugged. "Yeah, that math sounds about right."
"The more I think about it," Lana realized. "The more I'm amazed Mallory has lasted so long in this profession. With all her limbs and facilities attached."
"And what sanity she has," Archer added. "To be fair, I don't think my mother has as much as normal people. But you get my drift, don't you?"
"Why am I still an agent?" Lana asked herself. "My career hasn't exactly been great lately. It's caused friction with my husband. I'm away from my daughter. Why don't I just walk away while I can?"
"Because you're addicted to the action," Archer told her as he took a drink. "And crazy. You feel more alive doing what you do than you do anything else and you're damn good at it. Maybe one of the best. You have to be to survive what we went through."
Lana looked at Archer. "Thank you, Archer. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"Yeah well," Archer waved. "You got my mother to like you. That's pretty impressive in my book. I think she likes you more than me. Then again, she liked her stupid dog more than me."
"Your mother does love you Archer," Lana said. "She was devastated when you went into a coma. She refused to leave your side. Except you know? For the occasional outing and hair dresser appointment."
"I guess she does," Archer sighed. "I'm sorry. About the whole Veronica Deane getting shot and falling into a coma thing. And I'm even sorrier that I didn't send the cyborg clone out first to get shot. And I should have recorded the whole thing with my phone and…Wow. Just saying it aloud makes me realize how stupid my plan was!"
"You really need to work on that," Lana sighed as she took a drink. "But…You were trying to fix things. I have to give you credit for that."
"Thanks. And Lana don't feel too bad about Robert," Archer said. "Because let's be honest that's not going to last anyway."
"Excuse me?" Lana barked.
"Not because you're still in love with me although who could blame you?" Archer got another drink. "But because you two aren't that great together. I mean come on Lana. He's secretly manipulative and you're…Maybe you are attracted to men that are like my mother?"
"WHAT?" Lana barked.
"Oh, come on!" Archer told her. "Older? Says things that are inappropriate? Manipulative? Kind of selfish? Give Robert a gun, a wig and a new fur and that's my mother in a nutshell."
"Are you…?" Then it hit Lana. "Oh God…"
"Man Lana," Archer snorted. "You really know how to pick guys don't you?"
"I dated you, didn't I?" Lana snapped as she stormed away.
Archer paused before he took a drink. "She's not wrong."
