Lila didn't linger near the bunker's locked door. She wasn't the best with boundaries, but suffering, she knew. There's no point in talking when the snake aims for your throat.
She walked through the Commission, or more like what was left of it. The paint was peeling off, and debris cracked when she stepped on them. Furniture had collapsed; bookshelves and paintings were scattered on the floor, and carpets coughed dust as she wandered. Frost coated the windows and drew icy swirls across the computer screens in the engine room. The place looked forlorn, left to hibernate for decades. After a while, her legs didn't support her anymore and she paused in the main hall. Her heart sank as she stood alone in the ashes of what was once her home.
She and the Handler had this tiny flat in East London where they would crash when they could. Still, Lila grew up at the Commission - rocked to sleep by the metallic voice chiming memos. The timeline is your lifeline, a better tomorrow comes from an orderly today, a tidy workspace is a happy workspace, she knew them all by heart. The Commission was her safe place, and being a nontemporal institution, she never considered it vulnerable. But as she kicked an ashtray, sending it to shatter against the nearest wall, she had to admit that she was terribly wrong.
It wasn't any glacial storm; it was a temporal glacial surge. Like many things, time is required to remain in movement to maintain equilibrium. With the world stopping in its course, time was frozen - quite literally. If she stopped now, she would be too.
Snow was falling from the open roof, but she wasn't cold.
Was it dust? She couldn't tell.
A form of relief washed over her.
It was good that it was all ending.
She fought all her life and still lost - maybe this was for the best.
Lila's thoughts drifted to Diego as she sat down under the main staircase. When had she fallen in love with him? Everything was a blur except for the feeling in itself.
Maybe the first time she saw him, arguing with a nurse about how they didn't understand that the President was in crucial peril. Easy target, too stupid for his own good, gullible, this mission will be a piece of cake were her first thoughts as she glared at him.
Maybe when he first noticed her - snorting at his ass being handed to him by said nurse before being sent to isolation. His gaze had caressed her and her smile had faltered for a moment because no one had ever looked at her like this.
Maybe when they almost kissed during the breakout. She could still feel the tickle of his breath on her lips when she closed her eyes at night.
Maybe when he came looking for her in Eliot's dark room and didn't make fun of her for being scared because she was afraid - all the time, of everything.
Maybe when she couldn't tell anymore what was an act from what was not and had anchored her waist to his, opening herself to him and refusing to let go of his neck.
Maybe when he had asked her to be part of his family - when he gave her a choice.
Or when he loved her so much, he let her go.
Diego deserved better, so much better than her. She almost felt guilty for not being a nicer, more capable person for him. He wasn't perfect, he was even driving her insane most of the time, but his crazy matched hers. Lila didn't know how to love but hoped that maybe with him, she could learn.
Her head fell back against the wall behind her, and she closed her eyes, exhaling. It wasn't important anymore - their pledges would soon be forgotten, lost in time.
This was the end.
"Taking a nap?"
Five's voice echoed around them.
He tried to hide his swollen eyes by looking away, but Lila knew he had cried. He probably even clawed through his skin and bit his tongue so hard it had bled. She used to do the same as a kid. Everything was good to relieve the pain, even pain itself.
"Not anymore, thanks to you."
He slid down next to her and grunted when the coldness of the floor slipped under his clothes.
"We need to get out of here, everything is going to collapse."
Lila shrugged; she didn't mind very much.
"It's already happening. Plus, you heard grandfather Five on that one: no use in saving the world."
He sighed. Lila turned her head and grimaced at the blood on his fingers.
"Ew. Did you kebab the old steak?"
Five looked at his hands and rubbed them together in vain. The blood didn't go away; it never did.
They remained silent, the wind howling and wailing around them, passing through the Commission's broken glass canopy.
"Five."
He groaned, too exhausted to look at her.
"You've been through this before - the apocalypse bullshit and its whatnot."
"Twice," He added with a sigh.
"Where… did you find the strength?"
He turned around to glance at her. He knew fear - probably more than anyone - but as he dived into her eyes, he realized that Lila was terrified. Her cocky attitude had died, and only a frail figure under an oversized jacket was left of it.
He hated to see that.
He could deal with the world crumbling around him, but its people? No, simply no.
"My family."
The words vanished on his lips like an old prophecy. Five's terrible secret was known to humankind now. He loved his family, and everything he did, he would do again in a heartbeat - for them.
It was such a simple feeling; it unsettled him profoundly. All this time, he had seen himself needing nothing and no one. He liked to perceive himself above these basic human needs, such as love and belonging. They were nothing but burdens.
But when his last strengths left him, alone in the dash and dust of the remains of a world that was once his - he heard them.
His siblings' giggles when they recorded him drooling on his pillow. Viktor's soft violin's melodies on Sunday mornings. Allison and Luther whispering love words to each other behind closed doors. Diego helping Klaus bury dead birds in the courtyard when he thought no one was watching. Ben reading quietly at the bottom of his bed before supper.
Five never belonged anywhere because it was all about with whom he belonged instead. The Academy could crumble to pieces for all he cared, but he needed his family. He needed his idiots of siblings sharing one brain cell at all times, and he needed them safe.
"That's what kept me going. I was the only one left, the only one knowing about doomsday and thus - the only one able to protect them."
Lila stared at him with an unreadable expression. The coldness of the air created delicate puffs as oxygen escaped her lips. Five was expecting a burn after that - a mockery, anything Lila would typically throw at him for being such an emotional little shit.
Nothing came.
It scared him.
Peeking back at her, he saw tears blurring her eyes.
"You're so lucky to have them, Five."
Words got stuck in his throat as he tried to come up with something to say. He knew he was blessed despite it all - he couldn't imagine his existence without his circus of a family.
The glim in Lila's eyes dimmed down as she pursed her lips quietly.
Five tried hard not to read into Lila's mind, but he knew what was happening behind her glossy eyes. She also knew what was going on behind his. She could sense the anxiety building up underneath his skin.
The silent dialogue between them stuffed the air, and Five looked away when his eyes began to burn again.
He had slaughtered Lila's family, imprisoning her in the claws of the Handler. He never wanted this to happen, but he had to face the truth; if she was alone, it was because of him.
But she's not anymore, he thought, swallowing a smile.
"You have us too," He finally breathed. "We're on the same boat now."
The words felt unfamiliar rolling on his tongue but so right.
She's family.
Five was genuine in his terms, mostly because he knew there was no point in lying. As much as he was perplexed by the fact, he knew Lila was likely the closest of them all capable of understanding him. Their monsters were of the same breed - commission's assassins working towards two different goals but by perpetuating the same atrocities.
As much as Five was driven by affection for his family, Lila was by hatred towards this world that had taken everything from her.
They were two faces of the same coin, two edges of the same blade.
"You're not alone anymore, Lila."
She blinked her tears away and shook her head. Bloody hell, she dreamt about hearing those words for so long. Why were they so crushing now that she was ready to accept her fate?
Five gazed off in the distance as a sintered silence engulfed them.
They remained here for so long; Five thought she had fallen asleep again. They needed to gain some force to leap back in time if they wished to make it home in one piece.
"I've always wanted a family," She finally articulated.
Five smiled, ignoring the way his voice softened.
"You've got one now."
Fuck, fuck, she was so ready to give up.
Flowers of hope bloomed in her chest, where an entire tree had died weeks ago. As anger and shame burnt her bones, licking her flesh raw, she was reminded by the cold voice of her mum that she was no quitter.
It angered her that in her darkest moments, she regressed to a little girl needing her mummy to set her back on her feet. She needed her mum, just like the little thing inside her needed her.
For the very first time, she had something concrete to fight for.
She chuckled, and Five turned around just to see her gaze fall on her stomach.
"I assume you're right."
The gesture wasn't unusual nor revealing in any way, but she lingered a second too long to contemplate something below her skin.
It made him tick.
"Lila, are you..?"
Her eyes flew open in panic as her lips parted slightly. The look of a deer in headlight hit Five in the guts - he had never seen her this defenseless. Strangling a cry, she nuzzled her legs to her chest as she averted her gaze.
Lila shielded her body, holding her knees in her arms just like she did when she was a little girl. She needed to protect herself - she needed to protect it. Not from the Apocalypse, not even from Five, not from the world - disintegrating or not - but from herself.
If anyone was going to screw this up, it was her and herself only. She was the only one holding this power, the power of a parent - the power of a mother.
When Five had told her about the apocalypse after ruining her bathtime, solace was the first feeling that swelled in her heart. Her baby wouldn't suffer. She could enjoy the last moments she'd have with it knowing that it was safe, nesting inside her. She could handle that, deal with the cravings and not drink alcohol to buy the idea of being a good mother for the little time she would be one.
Five tilted his head, waiting for an answer that never came.
"Does Diego know?"
His voice was softer than before. He spoke calmly to her as if the baby was asleep in her arms. Lila was trembling, and he could see her trying to ground herself, sinking her nails onto the flesh of her arms. He feared she might break down into a million pieces if he wasn't cautious.
Even if moral compasses weren't his forte, Five's brain stung when he remembered he fought her without holding back just this morning.
He could've hurt his family.
A new member of the family he wouldn't be able to meet, he thought bitterly.
"No one knows."
Five was good with plans; he knew how to anticipate, predict, calculate the probabilities and adjust accordingly. He knew this baby wouldn't make it because he knew they wouldn't make it - they had pushed their luck too far and failed.
Why, why was destiny against them? What did they do to anger the universe this much?
Lila's long fingers detached from her arms and timidly fell on her stomach, stroking her belly absentmindedly. Five couldn't do much but stare at her. Peace emanated from the moment, an instant he wasn't even supposed to see - a mother's genuine love and fright for her spawn.
Lila was already a mama bear.
Reading his thoughts, she settled her hand on her belly and glared at him through her long eyelashes.
"So you really think I'm not cut out for domestic bliss, little shithead?"
Her playful grin returned as quickly as it had disappeared, but Five grasped a bit of hurt in her voice. Fifty-eight years of existence, and he still didn't know when to shut up.
Lila didn't let go of his sight as he chuckled. Things were falling apart, but they could still hold it together for the time being.
"Yes, you're not. The little terrorist you're going to give birth to will be a menace to society, but that's okay. We all are in this family."
"Do you think… Do you think Diego's gonna-"
The words refused to leave her lips - it's the hormones. It's the hormones; she repeated to herself to conceal any intrusive thoughts.
This little thing growing inside her was making her a bloody mess but was so loved already. She couldn't bear the thought of not giving it the best life chances, and that included Diego. She needed him, she couldn't do this alone.
"Diego loves you, he will love this baby and every damn kid you can drop on his lap. This man has a shit ton of affection to give."
Lila smiled, and the crinkle of her eyes made her shed a few tears. She didn't bother wiping them away as they spread her kohl on her cheeks.
"I knew you had a heart somewhere above those pasty knees."
He smirked and sat back comfortably against the wall.
"If you tell anyone this, I'll kill you."
"You'd kill your own nephew or niece?"
"If they turn out anything like Diego or you, absolutely."
"Oi! You're going to love babysitting them, and you know it." Snapped Lila, shoving her elbow under his ribcage.
Five winced but didn't argue.
"If we survive this."
She looked away, repeating softly, "If we survive this."
As they jumped back on their feet, grabbed the briefcase and headed outside, Lila took his hand.
The warmth of her skin against his reminded Five of long-lost summer weeks, not even lived through yet. He secretly entertained the idea of family vacations near a lake lost in the mountains, fishing and horsing around yearly. These days were held closely in his mind - the only place they could prosper.
Five didn't tell her, but he knew Lila had saved Diego.
Lila didn't tell him, but she would fight for his family no matter what.
There was a certain honesty in white-hot hatred indeed.
Note de l'auteur:
Also, special mention to blurrycow on Tumblr, who had the best analysis of Lila and Five's dynamic I've ever read and it helped A LOT for this fic. Thank you!
