Day 23: arguing and trying a new position


"Percy, are you sure this is the right position?" Hermione asked, lying on her back with her knees tucked to her chest. "It's not very comfortable though."

"The book says 'when she places her thighs with her legs doubled on them upon her sides, and thus engages in congress, it is called the position of Indrani, and this is learnt only by practice'," Percy recited, pushing his glasses up his nose as he read. "I don't think it will be comfortable, but it won't hurt to try, right?"

"I'm still not a hundred percent certain about this position," Hermione muttered, frowning up at him. "My thighs are already beginning to cramp, and I'm pretty sure my bladder's about to burst."

"Very sexy, Hermione," Percy deadpanned. Hermione's eyes narrowed when his lips twitched up in a small smile as he looked down at her. He sighed and helped straighten her legs. "Fine, go use the loo while I try to make heads or tails of this thing."

Hermione squealed in relief, threw her arms around Percy's neck, and gave his cheek a quick kiss before scrambling off the bed and bolting towards the bathroom.

Percy chuckled and fell onto his side, the book tucked under his arm. He flipped it open to the page he was on and began reading the next lines.

The Kama Sutra was a Valentine's Day gag gift from Fred and George, who both believed that Hermione and Percy's sex life wasn't as spicy as it could be. No matter how much Percy had threatened and blustered at them, the twins had forced him to take the book and go through it with his lovely wife.

The only problem was that although Hermione and Percy loved reading, they were both complete nerds. They liked the theoretical aspect of things but shied away from experiments and practicals. And they were relatively happy with their sex life, thank you very much—or so he had presumed. The positions in the book weren't what they were used to, and it made Percy nervous. His favourite position was missionary, which according to the book was called 'the clasping position.' These other strange positions weren't his forte, but if the twins believed that Hermione wasn't happy sexually, then Percy would move mountains for her. He didn't want her to feel like he wasn't open to trying new things.

He gritted his teeth and kept reading.

When the woman places one of her legs on her lover's shoulder, and stretches the other out, and then places the latter on his shoulder, and stretches out the other, and continues to do so alternately, it is called the "splitting of a bamboo."

Percy tried to get rid of the image of a woman with bamboo for legs, but it clung to his mind like a cobweb. He pursed his lips and forced himself to keep reading.

When one of her legs is placed on the head, and the other is stretched out, it is called the "fixing of a nail."

"How the fuck—This is not physically possible," he muttered, shaking his head. He raised his voice and asked, "Where did Fred and George even find this book?"

"More importantly, how did Fred and George even know this book existed?" Hermione called out from behind the door.

"I didn't even know they knew what books were," Percy grumbled, flipping through the pages to find something sensible they could try out.

Blows with the fist should be given on the back of the woman, while she is sitting on the lap of the man, and she should give blows in return, abusing the man as if she were angry, and making the cooing and the weeping sounds. While the woman is engaged in congress the space between the breasts should be struck with the back of the hand, slowly at first, and then proportionately to the increasing excitement, until the end.

Percy was stunned and horrified. He'd heard that the book had a portion dedicated to sex, but this was completely strange and foreign to him, and it scared him. He glanced towards the bathroom and wondered if Hermione was interested in all of this. If she was, then he'd try out these tips, but nothing about this vaguely aroused him. It might be pleasurable for other men, but Percy was faint of heart; he was only a Gryffindor in name.

He didn't want to hurt her or strike her or make her legs ache by stretching them out repeatedly. All he wanted to do was lay her on his pillow, cover her body with his, and make sweet, sweet love to her for as long as his muscles allowed him. He wasn't the most athletic of his brothers, but he could hold his pace long enough.

While he was pondering over his strange situation, Hermione exited the bathroom just then, wiping her hands on the towel on the way out. Her breasts and thighs jiggled as she walked to the foot of the bed and climbed up onto the mattress.

Percy's gaze softened and he put the book down as she crawled over to him. He pulled her into his arms and rolled her onto her side, tucking her head under his chin. "Hi."

She chuckled and kissed the side of his neck. "Hello. Did you find something interesting?"

Percy glanced at the open book beside him and hesitated.

"What is it?" Hermione asked, peering over his chest at the book, but he pushed it further away from her sight. "Talk to me, Perce. Is something bothering you?"

Should he…No, he wouldn't say anything. If she wanted their relationship to be spicy, he would give it to her. Yes, he would do all those things even if it killed him.

But then Hermione leaned over and plucked the book out of his hand. She pored intently over the open page, her eyes widening with each word she read. Finally, she dropped the book like it had burnt her. She stared at the wall, her mouth agape, unresponsive. Her eyes glazed over as if she were thinking of something, and her shoulders began to tense.

"Hermione?" Percy asked, frowning at her sudden change in demeanour. He reached out to touch her shoulder, but she flinched.

Percy's heart stuttered. She had never recoiled from him before, and by God, it hurt. All thoughts of sex left his head; he only wanted to make her comfortable.

He sat up and wrung his hands. "Hermione, is everything alright? You seem…shaken."

Hermione hesitated. She licked her lips, obviously worried about something. "Do you like this"–she jerked her chin towards the book–"sort of thing?"

Percy's mouth ran dry. If he said no, would she mind? If he said yes, that would be a lie, and he was a shitty liar—and she knew it. After a few moments of contemplation, he asked, "Do you?"

She bit her lower lip, her cheeks a bit pink, but finally shook her head. "I'm sorry, but…no, I don't."

"Are you sure?" Percy prodded.

"Yes, I'm sure," she admitted, not looking at him.

Percy didn't believe her. She must have said something to Ginny. Why else would the twins have given them the book in the first place? They must have overheard her talking to Ginny about their 'lacklustre' sex life. Right?

He sighed and took her hands in his. When she finally met his gaze, Percy said, "Hermione, if there's something bothering you, please tell me. You know I'm terrible at this whole relationship thing. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about anything."

She shook her head fervently. "No, Percy! No! I'm not—I'm being completely honest with you. I don't like these things—but if you're interested in it, I wouldn't mind trying something new. I know you're probably not satisfied with me and—"

Percy clapped his hand over her mouth, his eyes wide. "What in Merlin's name are you talking about?"

Hermione lowered his hand and held it in her lap. "Well, you're obviously not happy with what we usually end up doing—"

"Who the fuck said that?"

Hermione blinked. "I—I thought you said that."

"No, I didn't. Why would I say something so ridiculous?" Percy demanded. "I thought you wanted to try this book out."

"Why would I want that? I'm perfectly happy with 'mediocre' sex." She made air quotes around the word 'mediocre.'

"See? You think we have mediocre sex," Percy argued, scowling at her. "If you want something new, all you have to do is talk to me about it. You didn't need to go and talk to Ginny behind my back. Now my family thinks I can't even please you properly."

"What are you talking about? I didn't talk to Ginny about anything! She's your sister—we don't talk about these things! I would be just as disgusted if she talked about Harry with me," Hermione yelled, her eyes darkening.

"Then who did you tell? The twins? Or worse, Ron?" Percy's words came out harsher than he'd wanted.

She gaped at him, horrified. "Merlin's beard, Percy! What is wrong with you? I would never talk about something private with any of them!"

"You must have told somebody. Why would the twins give us this book then?" Percy was hurt. Hurt that she hadn't said anything to him. Hurt that his brothers were probably talking about his sex life behind his back.

Hermione groaned and dropped her head into her hands. "Percy, no…I would never tell anybody about what we do—or don't do, in this case. Why won't you believe me?"

Percy hesitated before sighing and wrapping his arms around her torso to pull her to his chest. "I'm sorry…It's just—I don't know how to talk about this with you."

"Use your words," she muttered against his collarbone. "Please, tell me what you're thinking. And be brutally honest. For me."

Percy took a deep breath before thinking, 'Here goes nothing.'

"I'm disappointed and hurt that you didn't tell me you thought our sex life was mediocre," he muttered, wincing when she stiffened in his arms. He went on quickly, "I don't think that. I'm perfectly happy with missionary or with you on top when I'm too tired after work. But you're not happy with that. I want to make you happy, but I can't do that if you don't talk to me."

Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but Percy shushed her and continued his impromptu speech.

"I feel like I've disappointed you, and it hurts. I don't want you to feel ashamed of asking me for something. I know I'm not very good at this relationship thing, but I thought you trusted me enough to—"

Hermione placed her hand over his mouth and silenced him. "Okay, I have to stop you right there before you say something stupid—which is very unlike you, Perce." When he frowned at her, she shook her head and said, "It's my turn to say something and you're going to listen. Okay?"

Percy nodded slowly.

Hermione kept her hand over his mouth as she started speaking. "You are one hundred per cent an idiot, Percy Weasley. If I wasn't happy with something, wouldn't I say something about it? Have you ever seen me not complain if things aren't up to my standards? No, right? Then why would you assume I wouldn't say anything to you if you weren't making me happy? I love our sex life just the way it is. I love that we're comfortable with each other and that we can be our boring selves in bed and not be worried about what the other will think. That's what I love so much about us. That we're happy being ourselves and don't need to change anything."

Percy took her hand off his mouth and kissed her knuckles. "So does this mean we're okay?"

"Yes, you idiot. We're okay—we're better than okay." Hermione grinned at him, her eyes slightly watery.

Percy sighed in relief and pulled her into his arms. "That's great then." He kissed the top of her head and buried his face in her hair. "I really don't like that book."

Her laughter vibrated through his chest, and she shook her head. "Me neither. Let's go back to what we know we're good at."

Percy happily laid her down on the bed and marvelled at how gorgeous she looked with her hair sprawled out on his pillow. She smiled up at him, her eyes bright and beautiful, and he covered her body with his. As he leaned down to kiss her slightly upturned lips, he murmured, "Want to still go through the book and laugh at it?"

"Yes, I can't wait!" Hermione squealed and wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him down for a kiss.