~ ~ Previously ~ ~
Lester sucked in a breath through his teeth. "Ouch. Yeah. I get where they're coming from. Just spell out the full name of the organization and you should be okay. And put a picture on there. Let the ladies see that handsome face and they'll be flocking to you in no time."
Chapter 2 - The Solution
Three weeks later, Lester found himself in the lunchroom at Rangeman with only Hal for company. He'd been wanting to follow up with Hal, but hadn't had a chance until now. Grabbing a sandwich and a drink, he sat next to Hal who was midway through a salad with grilled chicken.
Keeping his voice low, Lester asked how things were going with online dating.
"It was going better for the first couple of weeks. Then I realized I had forgotten to put up a profile picture." Hal shrugged one shoulder and speared a piece of chicken harder than he needed to. "Once I did that, traffic dropped off to almost nothing. The ladies I message will view my profile but they won't message me back."
Reminding himself that correlation was not causation, Lester tried to shake off the feeling of impending doom.
"Can I see the photo?"
Hal wiped his hands on his napkin before picking his phone up off the table, He brought up the relevant page and handed the phone to Lester who tried not to recoil when he saw the picture.
Madre de Dios, this was bad.
There was a fine line between a smile and a glower and Hal had left that line way behind him. His face was contorted in what was … more like … it was … Lester couldn't even think of a word for it. It was as if a scowl and a sneer had had an evil scowl-sneering Grimace Baby. Hal's eyes were opened wide enough that the whites showed in a full circle all the way around the irises and his eyebrows were halfway up his forehead. The stress of maintaining the expression long enough to take the photo made the tendons in his neck jut out.
There was no sugar coating this so Lester went straight for the blunt truth.
"Dude. You're giving off a definite crazed serial killer vibe. Well, crazed or severely constipated. You look like you're beyond desperate to shit and three seconds away from stabbing someone in the head because of it."
"Oh, come on!" Hal protested. "It's not that bad. I mean …" He looked at the photo again and sighed. "It's not easy to take a good selfie and I was nervous about getting it right."
Lester put a reassuring hand on Hal's shoulder. "Tell you what. Why don't I take the photo for you? We can take a few and then pick the best one. Is that okay?"
Relieved, Hal nodded.
"In fact," Lester added, "why don't we check the internet for tips on what makes a good profile picture for a dating site?"
Phones in hand, they hunted down tips and hints.
"Huh," said Lester. "This is wild. Check it out."
He held his phone out. Hal leaned in to view the screen.
Lester continued. "According to new research, having a hamster in your profile picture can increase your chances of getting a response by 351%."
"Really?" Hal brightened but only for a moment. "Too bad we don't have a hamster."
"Maybe we don't but Stephanie does."
"No!" Hal rapidly shook his head. "No, no, no. No good will come of this."
"It'll be fine. We just tell Stephanie what we need it for – "
"No! Please don't," begged Hal. "You know how she gets. The whole story will come out. It's all too embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know."
"Okay, fine. We'll go covert," reassured Lester. "I'm off until that take down tonight. You?"
"Same. Why? Are we doing this now?"
"No time like the present." Lester gestured with his sandwich. "As soon as we eat, Operation Help A Little is a go. First stop, the Big Box store. We're going to need supplies."
An hour later, they were in the hallway outside Stephanie's apartment. Lester popped the crappy lock in a matter of seconds then locked it behind them after they entered.
While he put away the junk food they had bought, Hal pulled out the mini inflatable baby bath and put it on the kitchen table. Together they opened the props they'd gleaned from the toy aisle. Lester got his phone ready.
"First, let's see if we can get a few candid shots of Rex."
Luring him out of his soup can with hamster treats was the easy part. Getting a decent photo through the glass was not. Eventually, Hal suggested cleaning a portion of the glass wall of the tank, then putting a tiny dot of syrup on the inside. It worked like a charm. Lester ended up with several cute photos of Rex standing up, tongue out, resting one front paw on the glass.
"Okay. Now, the props."
For this, they put Rex in the inflatable bath. It gave them room to work and Rex room to roam but kept him from running off. They had doll-sized clothes and furniture. First they tried to get Rex to pose in a little armchair. Even with bribes of treats and syrup, it was difficult to get a shot that was posed and in focus. Finally, after 18 fails, they got one good shot.
Next up - the clothes. They had a tiny pair of pants and a shirt with a printed-on tie. They started with the pants. First Hal tried, then Lester. Then Hal held Rex while Lester tried putting the pants on the rodent. It was like trying to wrestle a tiny furry octopus that frequently bit.
"Hold him steady," snapped Lester.
"I'm trying."
"Well, try harder."
"I don't want to hurt him"
"You don't have to hurt him, just keep him still."
Their voices got louder as their tempers flared. After the third nip from the protesting Rex, Lester pulled back.
They froze at the sound of the door lock turning. The door swung open and Stephanie walked in. Her expression was a mixture of surprise and annoyance. They stayed unmoving as she closed the door, set her purse on the kitchen counter, and stood in front of them, hands on hips.
"I could hear you guys in the hallway."
Annoyance seemed to be winning out over surprise. Neither he nor Hal responded. It didn't seem safe.
Stephanie glared a moment longer then pulled out her cell phone. She tapped the screen a couple of times and the sound of a phone ringing filled the air. Lester knew she had called someone on speed dial and had the speaker on. Mentally, he braced himself for what was coming. Hal carefully set Rex back in the kiddy pool.
"Yo."
While the greeting was the same one that Ranger used with everyone, the tone was completely different. Lester, Bobby, and Tank had certainly heard that relaxed note. But that playful undertone? That was all for Stephanie.
"Back atcha, Batman." Steph stared straight at Lester while addressing Ranger. "Want to tell me why I came home to find two of Rangeman's finest in my kitchen playing dress-up with Rex?"
There was a two second pause which was about twice as long as Ranger usually needed to process unexpected information, even on missions.
"Put my cousin on the phone."
"You're already on speaker"
"How'd you know it was me?" asked Lester.
Ranger made a noise that from anyone else would be a scoff. Ranger. Scoffed. Inwardly, Lester sighed. This was going to be talked about during the next family dinner if not sooner. He just knew it.
"Please, primo. This has your name written all over it. Now. Who's with you and what are you doing?"
Lester ran through the best possible scenarios. What could he say that would both protect Hal's privacy and mollify Stephanie and, through her, Ranger?
"We're taking photos of Rex looking cute," he began.
But as he finished the sentence with "... to make a photo album as a present for Stephanie," Hal panicked and blurted out "It's for my online dating profile!"
Hal and Lester looked at each other. Then they looked at Stephanie. Simultaneously, Lester said, "It's for Hal" and Hal said, "photo album". They looked at each other again. Lester said "Album!" as Hal said, "Profile!"
Ranger's voice powered through the speaker. "Can it, both of you!"
Lester's mouth shut so fast that his teeth clacked. Hal managed an abashed "Yessir" and fell silent.
"Since I know my cousin so well, I'm going to ask Hal to explain so I know what's really going on."
Hal gave a deep exhale. At the same time, his head dropped down and his shoulders rounded. The sound combined with the movement made Lester think of a large balloon deflating.
"Don't get mad at Santos, sir. He's helping me with my online dating profile."
"What does that have to do with the rat?" asked Ranger
"Hamster," corrected Stephanie.
"Santos saw an article that said a profile picture of a hamster increases the odds of getting a reply by over 300%." Hal looked at Stephanie. "We meant no disrespect. We were just going to be in and out really quickly but it turns out it's harder to make a hamster pose than we thought. Plus he really didn't want to wear the pants."
While Hal explained, Lester pulled out his phone to bring up Hal's profile. He showed the profile picture to Stephanie.
Her eyebrows drew together and she made a pained noise. "Hal, I don't mean to be rude," she said gently, "but, maybe you should talk to Ella about putting more fiber in your diet."
From the phone they heard Ranger say, "¿Qué coño…?–" before Stephanie cut him off with a breezy "Thanks, Ranger. I got it from here," and disconnected.
She gave them a thoughtful look. "So. You guys are here to get a better picture for Hal's online dating profile." She waited for their nods of assent. "Okay. I'll help you wrangle Rex but in return I want a copy of all the photos."
"You got it, Beautiful. We'll even put them into an album like I said. Of course, that's on top of what we already got you." Lester smiled brightly. "Check your cupboard and your freezer."
Steph perked up. She opened the door to the cupboard that kept what few drygoods she had. There, right in front, were two of the large boxes of TastyKakes. Under her breath, she said "Yes!" Next she opened the freezer door and saw two cartons of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. She muttered "Awesome!" As she checked the flavors – Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia – Lester heard a faint moan, as if she was already tasting the cold creamy goodness.
Shutting the freezer door with a decisive snap, she turned to them. "Okay. Show me what you've already got."
Once Stephanie got involved, it was more like a party. She had a blast creating little scenes with Rex, especially the little office complete with a tiny takeout coffee cup. Surprisingly, Rex seemed to cooperate better for her. He still wouldn't wear the clothes but that was okay.
After all the work with the hamster, it was nearly dinner time. Lester suggested getting pizzas delivered from Pinos. Just as Hal had anticipated, Steph managed to drag the whole story out of him. She gave him a hug and shared her ice cream with him.
Finally, the pizza was gone and the party atmosphere was winding down. They looked over the photos, each championing their favorites. Lester had gotten a really great snap of Rex in sunglasses eating a cookie. It was his overall favorite. That was also the one that all three of them agreed on for Hal's profile pic.
"Upload that now," suggested Steph. "That way we can be sure the right one gets added."
Hal complied - as if there was any other choice once Stephanie got involved. She could be a force of nature. Lester hoped his cousin knew how lucky he was.
"As payment for the use of Rex as your model, you have to let me and Lester know how things go."
"Yeah," agreed Lester. "We can be your mentors. We swear that anything said will be kept in strictest confidence."
Hal thought it over then raised his beer bottle. "It's a deal."
Lester and Stephanie clicked their bottles against his and repeated, "It's a deal."
~ ~ Two Months Later ~ ~
Hal was in gray dress slacks and black dress shoes. The cuffs of his slate blue button-up shirt were rolled back to mid forearm. The top two buttons of the shirt were open. The chunky diving watch that he favored was on his left wrist and an equally chunky silver chain bracelet was on his right. There was a spring in his step as he headed for his vehicle. Hal was feeling as good as he looked.
This was his fifth date with Hailey. She admitted that the picture of Rex in his sunglasses had drawn her to his profile. He found her easy to talk to. She had an MBA, loved to read, and had a wide variety of interests, many of which he shared. He didn't know if she was The One, but he was looking forward to finding out.
~ ~ FINIS ~ ~
