A/N- Collab between myself and Lyra Anna Ly. We were trolling a bit too hard, perhaps, but hopefully it makes for a good crack read.
Warning: Language and inappropriate references. Do not search up these words randomly.
When Shawn was seven, he had once asked his butler Mr Glanz why his name was Mr Glanz. The butler did not enjoy the question at all. He often questioned why he chose to hang around rich families, since they all invariably seemed to go to pretentious universities, learn biology, and then realise that his name was more unfortunate than German. Indeed, when Shawn was thirteen Glanz vividly remembered a day his ward had come back from school and refused to look him in the eye for a few hours. It was then he knew they had surely covered reproduction in biology class, and the horrific cycle of being called Mr Dicktip continued.
Shawn had never copped to the nickname though, and Glanz rejoiced for the fact that at least one child had been raised properly, but he would not stand for the vicious routine any longer. It was high time that something be done about the name he loathed with a passion. Even if the thirteen year old was more mature than that, he had no doubt there would be other kids who would come around and comment on it. Sure enough, when team members of the boy showed up a few days later, he was met at the door by a snickering Karl.
It was at that moment he decided that he had been right after all to stick with civilised families, as the bandana boy was truly persistent with his uneducated humour. Nevertheless, Mr Glanz had a mission to complete. He looked around and indeed, to his humming delight, nobody else was in office so early in the morning. He looked (without opening his eyes) at the terrified embassy worker he was pointing a gun at and made sure she looked extra closely down the barrel towards what would be her doom if she made one mushroom head joke at all during the conversation.
"Rule one. You do not read my full name. Rule two. You do not laugh, snicker, or breathe loudly once you see my full name. Rule three. You break rule one or rule two and a bullet goes through your head. Got it?"
The embassy worker could only nod nervously.
Glanz smiled at the girl, not making any move to put the weapon down as he read the papers, occasionally signing and initiating where it was relevant to do so. He read through each of the lines quickly but carefully, having been in enough houses to know that some documents would put horrendous stipulations in them. It was a very quick process, and soon he came to the last page that would allow him to change his name to something much more suitable for his work. He let out a relieved breath as he signed his name on the dotted line.
He had dreamed long and wide about what his new name would be, but a name he thought suited him had been a suggestion of an online blogspot he had read (when he had finally understood how to use the internet).
It was a noble name and would fit well into the ranks of any families which employed him, not least the family he was currently working for. He hated his German name with a passion, so he had gone with something which was apparently French.
"Ha!" he said.
And he wrote down his new name onto the paper.
Edouard Fallopian.
Perfect, he thought. Now he would never be bullied again. /
Except, maybe he hadn't quite thought that one through. The woman came back to the desk with his new (temporary) identification card. He lowered the gun a bit, giving her a real smile this time as she passed him the card.
"Now see, that wasn't so hard. You may look at the name now."
She did as told, and he watched her eyes widen at the name he'd been so proud of.
"Um, sir? Are you positive this is what you'd like your name to be?"
"Yes, Fallopian is a fine last name. French, even. Wouldn't you agree?"/
The woman gulped and took one look down the barrel of the gun again.
"I am not French, so I do not know their… naming customs."
Glanz smiled congenially. "Well, I do. Thank you for your assistance, madam. I must warn you that I work with influential people. If you try to report this incident very bad things will happen to you and your family. If you, however, do not, then in one month you shall receive a nice little installment which will be renewed monthly. Think of it as a rental for my excellent name!"
The woman nodded fervently and he whistled as he strolled out the building. He was so confident that he decided to go straight to the Barefoot practice, where that accursed Karl boy would no longer be able to snicker at his name because oh was it so noble now!
Yes, he thought. He would rub it straight in that insolent child's face. He was no longer called Lichmer Glanz, and he was proud of it.
Edouard Fallopian was a much better name for him. He felt as though he was now unstoppable. He did wonder a bit why Fallopian also sounded a bit more familiar than it had been when he'd just seen the blog. What was it about again? Well, perhaps he'd served a family that had the same last name, or another butler had been called Mr. Fallopian.
He wasn't quite sure, but it mattered not. All that mattered was showing these cheeky brats that hebwas no longer a laughing stock of a butler. Fallopian pulled up to the practice location, and got out of the car, breathing in the fresh air as a new man./
When he arrived, he was greeted by his excellent master Shawn, who had never called him 'Lick ma dicktip' even in the dark times he had been called Lichmer Glanz. He knew he had to show off his new name to him first, and if he was even more tactful, the boy Karl would hear it from him too and he could show it off without admitting his inferiority complex in the first place.
"Young Master, I have just been the identity office."
"Really, Mr Glanz?" Karl interrupted. Mr Fallopian's eyebrow twitched, but he maintained his old man smile as it really helped with business.
"Actually, Karl," he put emphasis on the simple, German name. "I have just changed my name from my unfortunate family name to a rather more noble French one."
Shawn raised his eyebrows, always ever so gracious.
"What is it, then?"
Mr Fallopian laughed for no reason other than that the air tasted greater when you were called Mr Fallopian.
"Master Shawn, I, Edouard Fallopian, am honoured to serve yo-"
"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Karl started laughing immediately, falling to the floor and starting to get tears in his eye.
Shawn seemed to have a very constipated expression "-THIS MOTHERFUCKER CALLED HIMSELF MR FALLOPIAN!"
Mr Fallopian frowned. Who dared call him a motherfucker?
"And where did you come up with that name, Mr. Fallopian?" Shawn seemed to wince at his most wonderfully new name. Perhaps he thought it to be a bit too proper.
"As I said, young master, it is a French name."
"OH God, Mr. Fallopian tube!" That brat, Karl, exclaimed. Shawn and Isaac's faces scrunched up in disgust for what the boy had just called him, and Fallopian wanted to die of shame. Of course he had heard the name before. How could he have been so careless as to pick something just as bad. Well, at least he knew his dear master would not be too unforgiving of this mistake.
"Perhaps this matter is better discussed in the car?" Shawn suggested, and the butler couldn't agree more./
"Now, Mr Glanz. Do you mind if I still call you that?"
"-Please call me Butler for now. Or Edouard."
"Edouard, then. Where did you get this name suggestion?"
Edouard Fallopian's hands shook with rage as he switched on the phone where he had that accursed article saved, handing it over to his master.
French Names which put La Beurre on ma Baguette
By Super VC
…
-Edouard Fallopian: A truly noble name made for kings and those who are born to serve with great fidelity and service to their people. As French Francaise as they come!
…
Open Comments (4):
(User) Melon: I-
(User) Huytin: LMFAOOO FALLOPIAN.
(User) Mytherina: Master you are soooo immature.
(User) Lyra Anna Ly: Ew wtf VC.
Shawn recognised those names (other than Melon). Team Hibernators were back to haunt them again. They just never disappeared!
"Edouard, do you not remember these names?" Shaw asked politely. It was unusual for the butler to forget such names, as they had been quite troublesome over the years.
"I merely thought they sounded a tad familiar, though I did not place them. Is there a certain reason for such an inquiry?"
"Team Hibernators?"
"I see. Perhaps I will try to visit again tomorrow and take up a different new name. Please forgive me."
"If you need help choosing a name, I would be happy to lend you some assistance?"
"That would be excellent sir. Thank you."
And Glanz used his gun more than one hundred times in the next 48 hours. Unfortunately he could not find Team Hibernators, however. He tried to report them but got a 3k word PM from the accursed fangirl monster recruiter one, which broke his phone, his vengeance and his spirit.
