Benny lay face-down on the messy bed, holding her head up by arching her back and resting on her elbows. There really was a lot to think about, all things considered. She'd finally be going on a dig with reliable resources, albeit on a planet she considered slightly sketchy. Brax would be coming along for the ride.
They'd be sharing a bed.
Bernice's robot porter Joseph, a floating, white, football-sized sphere who she usually shared with Braxiatel for different chores and jobs around the Collection nowadays, but also her diary, was waiting beside her. She hadn't been keeping up on it- so there was going to be one hell of a diary entry tonight.
She wouldn't be asleep until she put it all into words. She might not be able to sleep tonight at all she was this anxious- but it telling it to someone who would listen, but not talk back or tell anyone else was a good place to start. Swallowing and then taking a long breath, she gave the order.
"Okay Joseph, start recording."
"Yes, Bernice. Recording..."
"Entry whatever-09 or... something. The date wouldn't help much either, would it- never mind. Just, new diary extract. Brax, if you're here- I know you can listen to these... but please don't. Stop watching this now. Really. If I find out you touched this part of Joseph's memory I will slap you.
Now.
So, err- I... recently got employed again. At the Collection. Sorry Delvian Academy, looks like you'll be missing an archaeologist for the foreseeable future. Good lord. Recently has been a roller coaster. I nearly died because of something that stupid, stupid universe's Master did. Well, again. He's tried to kill me before. Thrice. I, mean. I think. Could be more. Probably more.
The Doctor, however- is a dick and I don't expect to see him any time soon really, after what's gone on between us lately. Well- not this universe's Doctor. He has- nevermind about that too. Off-topic. And definitely weird to think about, since I'm- uh... with his brother now.
Braxiatel, yep. Him. Is dating even really the right word? Aside from the kissy bits we've pretty much been doing it on and off for forever, even when I've been trying to kill him. Boyfriend sounds a bit off, doesn't it? Too juvenile? But we're definitely not friends with benefits, that couldn't be less accurate. There are things that'd be... nice to know though, now. Wonder what he's like, closer. What makes him tick?
Goddess. Whatever this is, it's most definitely a terrible idea. I'll be chaining myself to him next. Braxiatel is- I don't always know what to think of him! Things are so... different now. Even more than they were when I met him for the first time a second time. He's definitely met in the middle between the old Brax and the new one. More things I like, fewer things I don't. If there ever really was an old Brax at all, and he's not just been picking up pieces.
I'm worried he's lying to me- well. He always is about something, to everyone, but about how things went down specifically, what he seems to remember sometimes when I talk to him, not that I'm sure if it's good or bad. This timeline is so strange and he's the only other person I really belong here with and can share some of my experiences with. -Rambling, sorry.
Back to the romantic part- I did miss kissing Time Lords though, I think. ...Not that I'd done it more than a couple times before. That bit's fun and interesting. They're cold to the touch. Feels exotic, if that's the right word. An experience, to say the least. Come to think of it, it's so memorable I think I can now say for certain I did not actually kiss the Master. Minor relief, I suppose.
He thinks he's not my type. Rather bold, don't you agree? ...That's a rhetorical question, Joseph. Don't answer that. Thinks he's too old for me. While definitely not wrong, Brax is bloody ancient, we are both at about the same point of middle-age for our respective races and bodies nowadays, aren't we? Probably. Not that he ever makes that easy to tell. Even when he doesn't regenerate and end up looking ten or twenty years younger depending on when, sometimes he just goes and dyes his hair. And my time ring screwed with enough I can't even gauge if I'm supposed to be thirty or fifty either anymore.
Also, I rather happen to like ancient relics. Literal historian here, after all. Pretty boys, and the occasional pretty girl make me feel young in one way, mysterious ancient beings who aren't literally unpleasant to look at do in another. One is a rush, the other is a long, delicate dance. Both having betrayed me in the past, of course. Of course. Not like that's anything new. Who hasn't? ...Practically a human knife block at this point with how many people I've loved stabbing me in the back.
But I can see it in his eyes sometimes, how old he really is. How scary he really is. I know he's terrifying, or- should be. But I've never really feared Irving Braxiatel the person. Only what he might do sometimes. To other people, to himself. He's... not an ordinary man at all, Time Lord or no, and I say that having met a fair few. I look at Brax and he looks back with an endless sea in those eyes of his. I think one day he'll pull me from shore and never give me back, but there's something alluring down there. I'm really risking everything for something very stupid, aren't I?
And then let's get to secrets- those are something he always has, buried deep under those waters. But I want to know them. Be the one to know them. I want to be able to tell him mine. I want us to be able to trust each other again. If the level we were at so long ago ever really counted, knowing what we know now, and what's been done. It's... really quite a lot.
But we both just gave up one of our biggest secrets, didn't we? I assume Braxiatel didn't open up about it before in order to keep us both safe, and not ruin our friendship again, all aside from the being aloof and bad with feelings part. Bet I probably had the same reasons, along with the shit from another couple guys crowding out the space in my heart...
But I think about it and then realize there's a pit in my stomach because I'm still not quite sure about why I kept it from Brax- from myself. Even if it doesn't make sense. Even if it shouldn't be true.
We love each other. So much.
And every night since that admission I've been crying.
I still don't know how much I regret it, or if I do.
By all logic, we should be ancient history. Something to just dig up and think of in the bad times. That's how most things are with me, right? Literally and figuratively. So why isn't this the same? It's like- damn. Some sort of addiction? To his danger- his darkness? Or something else... I've definitely always gotten a bit of a high whenever he's been around. Even at the worst of times.
Falling for this man has been a disaster since I met him, even when I didn't know it. Braxiatel's charming and aloof and always cared even though he didn't usually show it- but I thought I could trust him before and he threw that all away. He'll break my heart again, I know it. He'll try to protect me, or himself, or the Collection, and I'll have to run and break his. I hate him so much.
But I hate myself too.
God, we're selfish, trying to make this work. Really, really bloody selfish.
But the point still stands. We're idiots in love and should probably break this up, forget it ever happened. I swear it'll be unbearable, us both knowing and keeping our distance, if I really should even be sticking around at all. But it'll be the only way to numb the pain whenever it inevitably happens again.
However... we're also both possessive as hell. Brax hated Jason. I hated Veronica. Thinking about it now, I can't think of worse cases of jealousy. ...In both cases the new partner in the way also- sort of... died. Trying to move on will... likely result in- uhh, casualties, if the other has anything to say about it. Just as likely to ruin each other as hopefully friendly exes than as... whatever this thing is.
But it could go the other way, couldn't it? Be good? Think of the positives, at least.
But- we came back to each other. We're keeping promises... so far, anyway. And- he's so soft around me, still. I've noticed Brax has hardened again since Legion, less sentimental. Except to me. Maybe it's best we were on separate paths? Can't imagine this happening in any other, simpler timeline. Especially not the one the Oracle spoke of, all those years ago. Me sticking by, settling down and having two kids with Jason definitely wouldn't be the one.
We know how to make each other smile and laugh, better than anyone else. And comfort each other when nobody can. Braxiatel gets under my skin, but in... the right sort of way. Is there a right way to do that? Maybe. My job compliments his interests- and don't think I've met anyone else who's actually made an effort to please me in either case. -Present company not included, Joseph. No offence. Thinking of sentient organic life here.
And- well. Good a time as any, so I should probably say it. Brax is attractive. Sounds shallow, but... he knows it too. If he didn't, why bother with the same body every time? Some of the details change a bit I think, but still. There's the eyes, the voice, the hair- aside from the amount of grey, usually the nose and mouth too. I think maybe his height varies a little. Bet that's harder to keep track of. Then there's what I can't se- nope. Not risking that part in case anyone is still reading this. Rather not be giving away free blackmail.
What I've dreamt of him though... really should've given it away a long time ago. The rose dream from my little infection... no, not little infection, ugh- that sounds like an STD... Virus? Was extremely kosher all things considered, but I still don't believe that's how most people are supposed to think of friends.
There's a difference between love and lust though. I of all people should've figured that out- but lusting after Braxiatel without loving him is... definitely a lot weirder than that though. Certainly not better in any case.
After all that- I think we've reached now, finally. The applicable bit, at least.
Brax will be going on this... trip with me tomorrow, and he'll take me by TARDIS rather than his shuttle. Quick at least, right? And it's to keep us safe I think, after all. But-but we'll also be in the same hotel room... sharing a bed. For the first time or the last- I don't know. He'll almost certainly ask me out on a date too, and I've already packed a dress and shoes in case that happens. Something a little sexy, but not indecent, you know? He's familiar with what I picked out. Know he'll like it at least.
I'm so excited. And I'm... terrified.
We couldn't- we shouldn't let each other get that close, no matter how much we want to. And I really, really want to, don't get me wrong. Goddess...
But one of us is going to get burned. He did warn me. And he's probably right. I mean, what sort of functional relationship has one of the people in it die in the middle?
It's finally sunk in. We're already making moves. We're already performing that delicate little dance I talked about with how I felt with older... interests. Day by day, week by week. But those delicate little dances, rare as they may be- don't end well. At all.
Neither of us are really going to know if it's a good thing for us until it's happened, will we?
But it'll be too late, I think.
Our chemistry- it's too strong and our self-control is... well there's rather a lot to be desired in that area, frankly. We won't be able to split.
But I can't just run away! I'm not hurting him! Promises mean something. I'm not losing a friend over this stupid, stupid idea of a relationship! Argh!
And that's completely ignoring the possibility of losing all academic standing by having a fling with IRVING BLOODY BRAXIATEL and quitting! What the hell am I gonna do?! Shit, shit, shit!
I'm in a corner.
End of Diary extract. Joseph, stop recording."
Benny, out of breath, tearful and frustrated, buried her face in the pillow at those final words of her rant.
The drone bobbed up and down above her head in a motion akin to nodding. "Recording ended, Bernice. Cataloguing entry..." There was a short beep and he finished.
Bernice was having these little breakdowns rather a lot lately, and they weren't going away. It'd be better in Brax's arms with him lying next to her, in his- well, not literally warm embrace. Well, it'd make her feel better. For a short while, before she remembered everything again and wished it and the pain was over but she could still touch and kiss him and love him.
Benny really should never have let Irving Braxiatel inside her head. Because he clearly had no plans on leaving. "Go away, Joseph. Piss off," she hissed.
"Yes, very well, Professor Bernice." The white sphere rose up a couple more feet and floated out of the room, though pointed down at a low angle contrasting his painted smile, suggesting something like sulking at being forced to go.
She really couldn't stand the sight of that damned robot right now. Reminded her too much of Brax. She just wanted to be free. But those thoughts- they were caging her far more than he was. Her contract wasn't even keeping Bernice on the planetoid if she didn't want to stay.
The diary was supposed to help. She'd been coping by writing in these for decades. But this problem was just so different that that method wasn't working at the moment. Benny's thoughts were just far too scrambled for just saying them to make them understandable, even once everything had sunk in. Because evidently her normal tactic for dealing with things was only pushing her further, she just turned the lights down and screamed into her pillow.
And cried. Again, for the sixth night in a row this week.
