A/N: So I just finished Trials of Apollo and got massive brain rot (who would have guessed). So naturally, I went off and wrote this thingy. (more notes at end)

Being back never stopped feeling weird. My life finally reached a schedule and yet I still couldn't relax. I had changed and now... I didn't fit in.

I had spent the last six months dreaming of returning. Of being a god. And yet... now I spent my time wishing I were mortal again. Sure, I was home, but what do you do when home no longer feels like it?

It was hard to find things to do to fill the time. As a mortal, there had always been something to do. Like fight, run, or collapse from exhaustion. Now though... there was a plethora of nothing to do but what I wanted.

The first week I'd returned Ares and Hermes had tried to offer to spend time with me. I declined once I realized they were looking for games of smash the city. They stood around awkwardly before apologizing for having a bet on me, again. It was mortifying being forced to realize how similar I had once been to them.

Visiting the mortal realm was... difficult to say the least. As much as I loved visiting my children and those I'd met, there was only so long I could visit them. They spent time sleeping and they deserved... yes, they deserved to live their own lives without me constantly checking in on them.

In the end, I spent most of my time caring for my horses and wandering Olympus. It was a lonely existence. Surrounded by others, but never anyone I connected to like the ones I'd met as a mortal. I missed my children. I missed everyone I'd met.

As I finally drove my horses back into their stables and closed the door, I wandered back to my house.

As a god, I did not need to sleep, and yet... It was something I could still do. Something still mortal. At least once a day I could still become Lester. In its odd way, being able to return to his form was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was still Lester. I hadn't lost my sense of mortality yet.

This time when I returned though, something was off about my kitchen. My house appeared to have been freshly cleaned. All the dishes were freshly washed and put away. The dusty chair, which I'd never quite gotten around to dusting off, didn't have a speck of dust on it. My kitchen table, which I'd left covered in the junk mail, was freshly cleared off with a fresh vase of flowers and a plate of cookies that smelled divine. My home looked like I hadn't been gone for six months.

The perpetrator had left no note. Which meant only one possible god who would both do me a favor and then not bother making sure I knew who I owed.

My relationship with Hestia was weird, to say the least. She was a gentle goddess. Even when she'd sat on the throne (back before Dionysus), she'd rarely spoken up. Of all the gods and goddesses of Mount Olympus, she was one of my father's steadiest supporters. I could never really remember her speaking a word against him (or anyone for that matter). She was also gorgeous in an understated way and her warmth had led me (and Poseidon and a few hundred minor deities) to want to marry her for a bit. She'd turned me and all her other suitors down and in a show of shocking maturity for young gods, we'd all accepted it at face value. It's kind of hard to be mad at someone who spends so much time thinking about your feelings.

As the centuries passed, we drifted apart. Hestia wasn't interested in the things that fascinated everyone else, like parties or games of curse that mortal. She rarely left her hearth and even when she did it was mainly to do some Olympian maintenance and less for house calls. As such to meet up with her, you'd have to visit the central hearth, and considering its location (right under Zeus' throne) it was not the most welcoming spot even if it came with a home-cooked meal and someone good at listening with the promise of confidentiality (even Zeus wasn't allowed to eavesdrop).

Needless to say, with all that in mind and with my house finally cleaned, I did wonder if perhaps might be a decent time to pay her a visit. It wasn't as if I had anything better to do.

Hestia, as expected, was caring for the hearth. To my surprise, unlike the last time I'd shown up the hearth was human-sized. I took it as permission to wear my Lester form. Hestia sat by the fire in an adult form watching the fire and poking at it with a stick. There was something familiar about her appearance that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As if I'd seen it more recently than a few decades ago.

"Welcome back Phoebus," Hestia called to me as I sat down. She gave me a gentle smile. For some reason, my mind went to Sally Jackson. "How have you been fairing since your return?"

"I have been fine. Immortality has its perks. It's not like I can be hurt."

Hestia stared knowingly at me.

"I do not mean physically Leto's son."

There was something about her gaze and the way that she'd avoided calling me Zeus' son, that made me wonder if she knew more than she was letting on. That maybe she might actually be able to well- understand?

"It's been an adjustment," I admitted.

Hestia sat quietly and pulled out a pair of knitting needles and listened. I took it as a sign to go on. I talked about how I missed being able to visit my friends. How I felt isolated from my fellow gods because… I couldn't be like them anymore. How I had changed and now I didn't have a place to go.

I didn't talk about my realization about my father. Under his throne, it felt a bit too dangerous to bring up. I also didn't talk about my experience with Styx. That still felt… too personal.

We sat in silence.

"It doesn't get easier," Hestia finally told me. I knew instinctively what she meant. The loneliness. The feeling of being out of place. Somehow, I wasn't surprised to know she knew the feeling too. "On good days, you can ignore it. On bad days, it feels like everyone around you is involved in something grand that try as hard as you can, you will never understand it. Never quite fit in. That you have been left behind because of something you can't control."

She said all that matter of fact. As if it were a part of nature that she took for granted. As if it wasn't something that drilled inside someone and was so hard to fix.

"Then how do you deal? How do you get by?"

I was asking how she managed to stay strong. How she'd gone centuries by herself. How I could possibly move on through my immortal experience and not lose myself because the alternative was so mind-numbingly painful?

Hestia smiled. "You find something that matters to you. You watch out for those you care for and look for those you can help. You keep doing it because it's important to you and because it's right. Most often people won't notice but that just makes it worthwhile when they do."

"How do I find that?" How would I know when I'd found it?

"That is something you will just have to discover on your own." Hestia put another log into the firepit. "For me, my family was that which was most important. I would not see us crumble like my last one and so I found my place by the hearth watching over you. But I am also of the home. I look after those who live within my domain and those who earnestly seek it. I found that which I can do but I cannot tell you what you should do. You must find that for yourself."

I nodded though it seemed an impossible task. Or one that was in no way manageable. I wanted to protect everyone. I wanted to care for everyone. I wanted to stop bad people. I wanted to end the monsters. I wanted to make sure those I cared for stayed safe. I wanted everyone who died to have lived because did they not deserve it far more than I?

Hestia seemed to read the anguish in my eyes.

"You cannot save everyone, nephew, but you can't underestimate the importance your help is to those who you can. The best place to begin is to start small and grow from there.

"If it helps, I can tell you of that which you did for me. I never did have the chance to thank you for protecting my hearth more than thrice over." She scooped her hands into the hearth and when she pulled them out, she held a small ball of fire. In the fire, I saw myself placing my Lester form between the Colossus and Hestia's hearth. I saw myself summoning struggling to push back Commodus and his monsters. I saw myself talking with Meg by the cistern, helping her reclaim her old home, Aeithales. I saw myself fighting at Camp Jupiter, fighting to that it could be safe again. I saw myself promising over and over to protect the homes of those I stayed at. "I owe you greatly for your kindness."

"I had help, all those times," I reminded her. "If it weren't for my friends, I could not have done as much."

"You truly have grown," Hestia smiled softly. "Nonetheless, just because you had help, does not negate what you did. Do not think I ignore their struggles and sacrifices or view them as less worthy of my gratitude, but just as much as their efforts cannot be ignored, do not ignore your own. You struggled for my sake for that which you knew, win or lose, you would not be able to enjoy.

"Just because you could not fight alone doesn't make your accomplishments worthless, it just means you knew when to accept help. Just as sometimes it is hard to accept the limits to what you can do to help others. If I could have, I would have done far more to aid you than I managed. There was only so much I could preserve and so much I could assist."

"I..." There was something unspoken about Hestia's comment. Something that reminded me of a twisted arrow carrying a cold being blown by a wind that appeared from nowhere to hit its target. Of a power that came when my friends needed it most. Of a fire that ought to have taken a life and yet the life continued burning twice as bright. I did not get the sense she shared this because she wanted credit... Hestia never worked that way. It was to prove a point.

"Apollo, you are not alone," Hestia told me. "Whenever you need someone. If it ever gets too much, I will always be here."

It finally hit me what had been so familiar about Hestia's form. She wore the strength of Reyna. She carried the warmth of Sally Jackson. She emanated the courage of Jo and Emmie. In short, Hestia resembled every place I'd visited as a mortal. She offered herself as a reminder of all that I had lost but also all that I had gained. A way to make sure I never lost myself again.

A distant memory resurfaced, back when we were young and Prometheus had just stolen fire for humanity. Back then I hadn't thought much of it, though Hestia had been its guardian even then. Fire was supposed to be our thing, but it was quickly overshadowed by the joys of getting sacrifices. Zeus had made it clear that it had been Prometheus acting alone when he punished him and left Hestia alone. When everything settled, he'd had Hestia move into the throne room so that we might watch after her better that she wouldn't have to bear the burden alone. He offered her a boon (which she used to join the eternal maiden goddess club) and great honors (the first of all sacrifices) as proof of his trust in her.

I wondered if she had actually helped Prometheus knowingly because even back then she'd understood what I'd only recently learned. I wondered how much of that was a reaction to Prometheus and more of an excuse to watch her, and those she spoke to, closer. The honors, only a means to keep her placated. Father always did have his ways of keeping us in line. If that was the case, I wondered how long she'd been alone. How much of her fading to the background was her only way to find space for herself. To avoid his gaze and to avoid being metaphorically swallowed again. I wondered how closely she must have watched me before deciding to give it another try.

"I appreciate that. I will come back," I promised. Our chat had inspired in me the will to do yet another trip to visit the mortal realm. If I was to find a new purpose, the only place I would find it was there. Nonetheless, I would make sure to visit Hestia more. I'd promised it and I'd learned the importance of keeping vows the hard way. But beyond that, it was of my nature. As everyone knows, the sun will always return.

A/N: Hope y'all enjoyed. Let me know your thoughts and opinions.

Tumble on down to my Tumblr: overanalyzer