It'd been a particularly long week. Things had gotten far too interesting by just Monday, then that dropped as soon as Thursday hit and the end of it was an utter slog. Benny really couldn't think of much to do other than piles of late paperwork, and she'd barely seen any friends since she spoke to Peter. At least Nix's recommendation was being taken seriously, albeit with a little pushback she didn't quite understand.
Bernice was tired. So, so damn tired.
But she still had barely been able to sleep again at all for the last two nights. There was just some lingering emotion balled up tight that wouldn't let go. Bernice was getting a better hang of it now, but the going was slow and rough. Not all the feelings were always bad this time, at least. The fact that there was a going at all was a marked improvement though, really.
So Benny did the logical thing, even though she still wasn't so sure it would work this time.
Record her diary.
"Hello, Joseph," she said. Her voice wavered from the exhaustion.
Joseph had previously been busy cataloguing items and keeping up what was becoming a rather tight schedule for Braxiatel, but he understood why she'd need him. On the bright side of things, judging by how Brax acted during their little trip, it probably meant he hadn't rummaged through Joseph's memory lately for a clearout.
When the white orb finally floated all the way through her bedroom door and over by her bed, she offered him a weary smile in response to his painted grin.
Nodding, Benny ordered, "Joseph, start recording now."
"Yes, Bernice. Recording..."
Benny started her lecture. It was, again, going to be a long one. A far better long one, but a long one nonetheless. "Entry- you know what, I've given up numbers, why am I even stating that at the start?"
"It's how I catalogue them, Bernice-" but she cut him off.
"Shut up, Joseph!" shushing him with one finger, she finally got to the point.
"It's been... a little under two weeks, I think. Still with Brax, shockingly. Things are looking up, strangely enough. Aside from- outside forces, things have been going swimmingly, really. No fights, nothing serious. Nobody died. Tired and haven't slept well, but it's 'cause I miss him. Two nights and one nap and suddenly I need someone in the bed with me again. But I can't always do it... Maybe I should get myself one of those body pillows...
Anyway! About the trip. It... well- it sucked, honestly. Aside from a few things, it really wasn't great. We had a lovely intruder in our hotel room. Went to the kitchens, made us a wonderful breakfast, then caught us in minor states of undress before offering a lecture. He was... the Doctor. Goddess- fuck him! Disapproving of things going on here, yes I get it. Whatever I am with Brax, it's weird and probably not actually that good. That course of action made some sense- but that's not an excuse to do it. Ever! And that's not even all he did, was it? No, of course not! Of course crukking not!
He came back the next day, lured me into his TARDIS and I took the bait like the moron with no common sense I am, and then- oops! Dematerialised! There's being rude and invasive, then there's being a literal kidnapper. That's happened to me enough times, and I'm not exactly proud to say how many. But for good reason, I don't typically stay friends with people who do that!
But... It wasn't all bad. I wouldn't be here writing this if it wasn't dealt with, would I?
He really needed a good punch. And he got one. Or three. I'm sure Brax likes playing knight in shining armour when he can. Realistically though, we both know who's up-front with the danger more. Heh. I tried to take him on an adventure. Didn't count on a hound-sized rat though, did I?
The end of the trip was... alright. Pretty good. Fine. Bloody amazing. Probably indescribable, really. And I don't think Brax would want me to be able to, honestly. Maybe one day I'll get to write what it's like, but I'd need to actually have a- a grasp of it first. Other than he's a little clingy afterwards. And that's sorta endearing, really. Not quite how I imagined it. But predictability isn't exactly my cup of tea.
Just- if we try hard at it... I think this could work. Genuinely.
That isn't to say it'll be difficult once the knowledge turns public, but that was still a start. Brax and I, we've known each other ages. About thirty years, I'd say. If it's anyone, if I can love anyone that way at all anymore, it's got to be him. There's this gut feeling. Even with all that dread, I can tell it just- has to be. Ha! And I said destiny was rubbish. Our timelines are in such a tangle with predetermindates and branches and closed loops and anomalies, it might as well be a reality.
I might stay at the Collection. Legitimately. No running off, no disappearing without a trace. Nothing. But there's one more, much, much more important reason to it than just 'I got a boyfriend-' ...still seems too childish. We're both old now. There's got to be something better... But anyway-
Peter's coming home!
My beautiful baby boy, my entire universe, is coming home. He's grown up, and in a good part without me. But he's still that to me. My amazing son. I missed him so much. Things went wrong so many times. But we'll be together again. Finally.
It's been a long time since I left Legion. It was supposed to be on the short-term. But you know how things happen to me. I managed to get back to meet the son-in-law once, but that was it. Got sidetracked. Ended up on a few adventures. Well, more than a few. First trying to prove some points academically and working to vouch for the benefit of a few native peoples, but you know how that always turns out. Because time really likes telling me how that always turns out. Usually by smacking me upside the head after a stiff drink. Every. Single. Time.
The Doctor came around. My Doctor. All question marks, and master plans, bad idioms and still shorter than me. And Ace- oh I missed them. It wasn't a visit for the best of reasons- don't think I've ever given a bigger lecture than that in my whole life. Except maybe to him. Or maybe Brax. ...Jason too- now that I think about it it's only men, isn't it? Didn't expect to ever use that voice on anyone else, let alone her.
She's been a grown woman for a long time now, somewhere. Supposed to be studying on Gallifrey, apparently. Not that I'm sure she ever actually went back. If she stayed with him forever I'd understand. He's her family, really. And danger runs in her blood. Tragedy follows her around though. One way or another, death's really the only other way I can imagine her going. Hers or someone else's. But Ace better be alive. That's all I can say about her.
I tried to go back to Legion again- but didn't have the money. You would imagine being one of the most popular academics this side of the galaxy would net you a paycheck or two- but 'popular' and 'reliable' don't often overlap. I'm a credible source with loads of experience, yes. Is my reputation that I'm irresponsible and people tend to drop dead beneath my feet? Also yes, probably. Had to use the resources of the universities, star-hopping between them.
It got me close to Legion, but something just had to get me before the finish line.
The Doctor. A different Doctor. The one who I talked about kidnapping me. You know, the one who's a massive dick.
Well, technically that wasn't the first time with him. Where he ended up taking me, I'd never been any farther from my son. Ever. I could not possibly be dragged further from where I wanted to be.
Other universes are like that.
When we got out, I still tried! But it just didn't work. He was a shitty ruler of the universe, and he's still a shittier pilot.
When we finally did manage to land on Legion, it wasn't because of him. Brax was smart, he set up a landing beacon, and it was because of the plan. The reason I ended up back here. The reason 'here' even exists again.
The reason I'm not against loving him.
I don't think Braxiatel did this all for me. It'd be impractical at best. We both know that. But as individuals rather than entire planetary populations, we both also know who'd benefit the most other than him. And that's why I had to be involved.
But even if he did those things, he's fixed so many mistakes it's impossible to ignore. And even if he did happen to make a few more, they were because I was being selfish. We both screwed over a few people on that end.
Including myself. Even though she didn't really get that it helped.
But that's a story for another day, really.
Then, after all those sporadic visits to that hellhole I just couldn't stay for, and another year on and off the TARDIS and one university- I'm finally having Peter back for good. ...On the condition that nobody has to run away from the Collection. Again.
There's a downside to everything, isn't there?
I don't need safety myself, that just isn't Bernice Summerfield. But for Peter? Possibly trapping him here- I'm not entirely sure what to think. Yes, he's used to danger- no, I do not want him in the line of vision of a narcissist megalomaniac if that happens again.
I have all these things back. But I know they'll be ripped away again, one day. I need to spend as long with them as I can before it happens. If I can make a family here, that's great. If I can keep a family and not manage to get them killed my life might just be complete.
But that is one hell of a gamble, isn't it? Bugger.
Should I stay with Brax? Which is safer?
And that's ignoring the other... future aspects. Do I want to do any of that stuff again? With what happened before? Jason? Peter? Looking a bit too far ahead, sorry. But that could mean good things...
I still feel conflicted. But a different sort of way, really. It's... settling. The pieces are sort of just- falling together. Of all the things I expected to happen, the reservations of a relationship stopping being a shitload of regret wasn't one of them. I- love Irving. And I mostly don't feel guilty for it anymore.
We're choosing a path. A new one that couldn't have ever made sense before. All of my reservations- but he's going to want to be there for me, at least. I know he will. And I want to be there for him again too. We're here together, between the stars. And there's something beautiful about that, really.
Is he still afraid too? I could always sense a bit of lingering fear whenever he made a move in this new timeline. Not that he wasn't scared after the- no. I can't say their name. That year... Goddess- everything was just so delicate as we rebuilt things. They are again now, aren't they? In a way.
I still wonder how old he is now. How long it's actually been since he first met me on Legion. It's probably been a little over six years since then for me- but time is hardly linear nowadays. Especially to a Time Lord. He's disappeared enough times. Braxiatel can't really be as old as the seas of the Earth, though? That's poetic exaggeration at best. But I did compare him to an ocean, didn't I? That's probably the closest he is to anything at all, really. If anyone is a sea, it's him.
I should talk to the Oracle again. She was wrong last time. Couldn't have been more wrong, actually. But a potential future is still a future, isn't it? Maybe it did happen to some other Bernice Summerfield, out there. Just knowing this going further could even be a possible future is- it would give me a bit more hope.
But there's still one thing I've wondered about forever. Was the number right? Two? Will there ever be another- do I want another?
The Oracle of the Lost is just in the Small Trianon over there. Right here in the Collection, in view of the mansionhouse. So close. Sealed up, but I have a sonic screwdriver. I could just sneak in for a quick peek. Be there, then gone in five minutes. Only need to ask one or two questions, really. Even with the security systems, it being me means it wouldn't be hard at all.
Gods- I'm sounding like Brax now, aren't I? Sounding like- no. Not them. Never them.
I won't do it.
It'd be wrong. Manipulative. Cheating. Lying. Irresponsible and bloody reckless even for me! Hearing about the possibilities once was enough. I- it's all false hope, really. Isn't it?
But- goddess, I need to know Peter's going to be safe and happy here, or if I should send him far away before someone gets hurt again. That, at least. Please let him be safe. Practically praying here.
I- think, I'll- goddess ...I'll decide in the morning."
While she wasn't shouting, Bernice's cheeks were still a bit damp by the end of it. She took a long, ragged breath as another tear slipped out and wet her pillow. It had helped this time, a little. Blinking them away slowly after a silence that felt like an eternity, she finally gave him the order.
"End of Diary extract. Joseph, stop recording."
He bobbed up and down again in his little nodding motion and stilled in the air. "Recording ended, Bernice. Cataloguing entry..."
He whirred and cheerfully beeped. Hovering in the air, Joseph quickly made a small orbit over Benny. Nudging her limp body, she pushed at him with one hand.
"Are your stress levels falling now?" he asked.
She huffed fondly and raised a curious eyebrow. "Not even going to ask about my terrible idea?"
"I'm not permitted to comment on what's said in your diary. Regardless of whether it would be safer to inform others or speak to you of it outside of its context," he stated matter-of-factly, making a noise that sounded vaguely like huffing, but couldn't actually be it because the porter lacked any sort of respiratory system- it was all synthesized to make him feel more 'alive.' In reality, little things like that and 'clearing his throat' actually tended to emphasize that fact.
She didn't need anyone knowing about that. And nobody would. Good. "And thank the goddess for that. But, yes. I am less stressed, I think." There was a long sigh, and Bernice offered a small, tired smile.
"That is a marked improvement, Bernice," he added.
Well, Joseph wasn't wrong. And it almost made her laugh at how few words he managed to put it in. If she could condense her feelings that succinctly, things would be a whole lot easier to understand. But she couldn't. Because Benny wasn't a non-sentient robot, and had existential crises regardless of whether it made logical sense to have them. While she was ever so slightly envious of that trait with machines, that mindset never got anyone anywhere, and she knew that.
Finally tired and in the mindset to sleep that she'd been missing for so long now, Bernice politely waved Joseph off and fell into the pillow. It wasn't long before she started snoring.
And her dreams were peaceful.
Finally, they were peaceful.
