Title: A Letter of Love
Rating: T
Summary: The one letter that finally gets mailed and Alan is the recipient. Continuation to Twenty-Seven Years.
Disclaimer: Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, Ian Malcom, Billy Brennan, Tim, Lexie and any other recognizable character, part of script or plot of Jurassic Park belongs to Universal Pictures Amblin Entertainment.
In no way is the author claiming ownership of any of the characters nor is there any economical/monetary gain at any time. The author is extremely respectful of the original creators and is willing to take down this work of fiction if requested.
No copyright infringement intended.
Original characters are property of the author.
A Letter of Love
It's far too early in the morning to be awake, and yet, Alan Grant is pouring Ellie and himself a hot cup of coffee. He's half asleep, struggling to keep himself awake but powering through the morning ritual.
When he'd agreed to leave his life at the dig site, he had been under no impression that 'retirement' would mean slowing down. Not with Ellie Sattler by his side. She's always been someone who goes from one thing to the other, ready to explore the world, things never happening fast enough. She's mellowed out a little with the years but she is still as active as ever.
Today is no different; she has a very early presentation at the Washington University in St. Louis about sustainability of the human race and the dinosaurs, along with its impact in their current environment. She's been researching and preparing for this for almost two weeks. Alan's heard her speech enough times to almost know it by memory. It's not nerves that has them up at this hour, Ellie is too much of a seasoned lecturer for that, but they do have to travel several hours to get to the university and want to hit the road before morning traffic stops them.
"I'm almost ready." Ellie descends the stairs quickly, her sneakered feet thumping as she comes down. He smirks as he continues preparing her coffee like she likes to take it, then screws on the thermo's lids so that they can drink it on the way.
Something else he'd gotten used to while living with Ellie, all the way from when they were younger, was that his soon-to-be wife tended to fidget whenever she had too much energy within her. He knows that's the current case as he hears her moving around the living room and the kitchen. No doubt she's trying to find her keys and her phone, both of which he's already left on the table by the front door.
"Honey? Have you seen my phone?" Ellie asks from the living room, her voice carrying over into the open kitchen. "I swear I left it on the bed when I was taking a shower."
"It's by the door." He calls back. He rubs at his eyes a little then takes his thermo and carefully takes a sip. It's hot, but not scalding hot. Perfect for them to be able to consume while they make their way to the university.
He hears the shuffling as she moves from their living room to the front door then smiles when she thanks him for having prepared her keys and phone.
"Alright, are we ready?" He hears Ellie ask as she enters the kitchen. Alan picks up both thermos and turns around to hand her the drink.
Ellie looks so beautiful that she steals his breath once again and chases away the last sleep induced cobwebs from his mind. She's wearing a high waist brown corduroy pant which she has paired with a soft cream blouse. Over the blouse she uses a brown vest to guard from the slight chill that has started to appear in Washington. His eyes sweep down to her feet where he grins as he finds that she's wearing the same pair of sneakers she had used while in Italy. Ellie might dress up but she will always be a comfortable shoes kind of gal.
"You look beautiful." He admits in a whisper.
Ellie blushes and tilts her head down, her wavy hair providing a cover for her flaming cheeks. "Thank you." She replies. "You look very handsome yourself."
He isn't really wearing anything out of the ordinary; a pair of jeans, his comfortable boots, a shirt and his leather jacket. He's made sure his beard was trimmed though, to look a little more presentable. This is all Ellie's show but he wants to look good besides her, as if he is worthy of her.
"Come on, let's go. I want to beat the morning rush." She pulls at his free hand to guide him towards the front door where she picks up her work bag, verifies she still has her phone and reaches for the keys.
He follows her towards the door that gives way into the garage, but no sooner has Ellie crossed it that their front door bell starts ringing.
"What-?" Ellie asks as she tries to step back inside.
Alan shakes his head and motions for her to continue. "You go get the car started. I'll deal with whomever is at the door."
It is definitively not a time for visits. The last time he checked his watch it was five in the morning. It's far too early, so whomever is at their door will have to come back later, much later.
With a grunt, Alan swings the door open. He's prepared a frown so that the person will simply leave, but he's surprised to come face to face with a postal worker who looks like their day started far too early for their liking. "Yes?"
"I have a special delivery for Alan Grant." The man informs him.
"This is he."
He can see the envelope in the man's hand. It's one of those thin envelopes that are used to send urgent documents which explains why the delivery is happening so early.
"Could you sign here, sir?" The postman turns a machine towards him. He gives a groan in his mind and a little prayer so that whatever that machine is will not malfunction. Alan reaches for the pen that is sticking out of ite and quickly attempts to sign his name. It comes out all jumbled but the postman doesn't request a re-do so he returns the pen to its slot.
"Here you go, sir." The envelope is transferred into his hands but it hardly weights anything. "Have a good day."
The mailman is gone before his mind can catch up to what happened. "Alan! Are you coming?"
"Yes, yes!" He quickly closes the door, makes sure that everything is locked, then follows Ellie into the garage where he once again goes through the whole process to secure the exit. By the time he reaches Ellie's car and climbs on, Ellie is drumming her thumbs on the steering wheel.
"Who was it?" She puts the car in reverse and clicks on the garage door control, all in one fluid motion.
"Mailman." He replies as he distractively turns the envelope over. He can see his name on the sticker that the post office has printed but that's all it has. There is no hint of who has sent the envelope's contents his way or why it was sent marked as urgent delivery.
"Is it for you? What did you receive?" Ellie asks curiously.
He shrugs and puts the envelope aside. "Who knows."
Out of the corner of his eye he sees Ellie turn to look at him for a second before turning her eyes back to the road. They've just cleared their street, so he watches as she guides the car through the suburban neighborhood. He had never thought that he would be happy to live in a place like this, but he is. He is very happy. Ellie is the reason, he knows, but still.
"You are not going to open it?" She asks with another gaze his way. "Might be important."
Alan hums and rubs at his beard. She's right, it could be important. They are going to be stuck in the car for a couple of hours, might as well open it and see what it is.
He reaches for the oversized carton envelope and turns it around so that he can tug at the little flap that will rip the envelop open. Once that's been accomplished, he reaches into the envelope and pulls out another envelope. This one is much smaller, white and sealed at the back. He turns it over and stares confused.
"Uhmm…. Ellie?" He asks without turning to look at her.
"Yes, honey?" She replies. There is a hint of something in her voice but he can't quite detect what it is.
He's not dumb though, he recognizes the flowy cursive in which his name is written. This is Ellie's handwriting. "Did you send me a letter?"
He turns to look at her just as the corner of her lips pull into a smile. She waits until they have safely verged into the freeway before turning to glance at him. "I did."
Alan narrows his eyes. What is Ellie up to? "Why?"
Ellie takes a deep breath and lets it out in a slow sigh. Her thumbs drum against the steering wheel again before settling down. "Throughout all those years we were separated, you wrote beautiful, heartfelt letters to me. I can't tell you how much they mean to me, Alan. I thought… maybe I could write a letter to you."
He nods in understanding though he is still puzzled as to why she actually mailed it. "You could have just handed it to me though. Why actually mail it?"
"Just because." She gives a little half shrug before looking over her rearview mirror and switching lanes. "It's romantic."
He chuckles at her explanation but keeps playing with the white envelope, still not moving to open it. "It's thick."
"Yeah well, I wish it was twenty-seven wonderful letters but…" She stops midsentence to glance at him, her smile growing wider. "I was tempted to write twenty-seven back, you know? Just decided that one long one might be easier on the paper side."
Of course his Ellie would have been thinking about the environment. She has always been very conscious about it, but now she is making it her life's work. Plus, it doesn't matter if it was one letter, three, or twenty-seven, the fact that she has written something back to him and gone through the whole process of mailing it, was obviously a heartfelt. It is symbolic as well; one letter that finally got mailed.
"Can I read it?" He choruses the question she had made back at the dig-site.
"Of course!" She declares excitedly. "But I will warn you, it's sappy."
He doubts that Ellie could ever write something sappy. He's read a lot of her work and she's always been detailed but precise. Those had been scientific journals, though, not love letters. Is this even a love letter?
He's suddenly overcome with the need to dive into her words, to read what she's shared with him in the secrecy that the letter provides. They've talked about some of her experiences as a single mother, and of her divorce, but they've been peeling at it layer by layer. Taking their time in reconnecting and figuring out who they've grown up to be. He knows this letter will give him far more insight on what Ellie is thinking and feeling and for that he can't wait.
With careful movements, he separates the flap of the envelope from its back then pulls out a couple of tri-folded papers. There's at least five pages written front and back with her neat handwriting. He unfolds them, the papers cracking as they are returned to their original height.
"You've been warned." Ellie reminds him. There is mischievous sparkle in her eye when he turns to look at her but she turns to face the road before he can fully bask in its glow.
"Shhh," he teasingly shushes her. "I'm reading."
'My Love,
There is so much I want to write in this letter, so much which needs to be said,
that I find myself growing overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of it all. There's so
much, so many years of repressed emotions and dreams. How do I tell you how
much you mean to me? How do I explain the way my heart beats at the mere
thought of you? How do I explain how despite the distance you've always been
in my mind? In my dreams? In my heart?
It's easy to look back at our past now and theorize about how we could have
changed so many things, but the truth is that we had to go our separate ways
for us to accomplish what we wanted in life. It wasn't easy, it was never easy.
I understand now why you had to let me go, why you were so stubborn in
pushing me away, but I wish you would have told me. You were right, I would
have stayed. I'd found a way to convince you that it was fine if we never had
children, or if we'd gone a different way to making our family. I don't know
how that would have ended, but I do know that I am extremely happy that
our lives have crossed yet again and that this time we will move on as a team.
Together.
I love you, Alan Grant. I loved you the day I left the dig site, I love you today,
and I will love you tomorrow and until the end of my days. Sappy huh? It's what
I feel though and I really can't stop the way my heart feels, believe me, I have
tried. After years of trying and failing, I have decided to just let my heart do
whatever it pleases. And what it pleases is to love you. Unconditionally.
When I left the dig all those years ago, I was heartbroken. I couldn't understand
what had gone so wrong for you to push me away the way you did. You placed a
divide between us both professionally and personally, a divide that no matter how
much I tried to break down, I simply couldn't. Gone was the man that cared for
me and watched over me even if I didn't need it. The coworker who valued my
expertise in my field was also gone. For the longest time I thought I wasn't
enough or that I had pushed you too much and that I had somehow turned the
love you had felt for me into disdain. I wanted to confront you, to beg for an explanation,
but I was shut off so tightly that nothing I did could win you back. I understand why now;
it was the only way you could think of to push me to leave and find the family I wanted
somewhere else, but I grieved our love, the future we would never have and that I so
desperately wanted.'
Alan pauses his reading. The last thing he had ever wanted was to make her feel like she wasn't enough. In fact, he had pushed her away because he wasn't enough for her. He couldn't give her the family she wanted and it wouldn't be fair to let her tie herself to him when he knew this. He should have known that she would blame herself.
"Ellie?" He whispers, breaking the silence between them. "You do know that it was never your fault, right?"
He can see Ellie biting the end of her lip before she lets her tongue lick over the spot. "I do now." She admits. "But I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't think it back then."
"I'm sorry."
Her hand slides over his knee. She gives it a little squeeze before turning to look at him. "It wasn't your fault. You were doing what you thought was right by me."
He frowns but contains his need to remind her that it was indeed his fault. He had been the one to decide for her. He had been the one to cut her out of his life so suddenly. Alan understands what she meant to say but doesn't quite agree with it. "But I hurt you."
"Back then things were so bad Alan, that anything that could have happened would have hurt me, whether it came from you or from me." She turns back to look at the traffic and he can't help but wish they were at home while he was reading this. At least there he would be able to look into her eyes and try and figure out what she is thinking. "We were having nightmares every night, both of us were exhausted, and we both refused to get the help we desperately needed. Add to that the fact that we were unsuccessfully trying to start a family. It was a boiling pot ready to explode. I'm actually surprised it wasn't a worse situation."
"Worse than cutting you off from my life?" He questions.
"Yes!" Ellie's voice raises just a little but he can see its not in anger but in affirmation. "We could have shouted at each other. We could have said many hurtful things. We could have blamed the other for everything that had happened since Jurassic Park. This way was sudden but less destructive. At least we didn't hate each other when we parted."
He can't bare the thought of Ellie hating him. Still, he's not a hundred percent sure that how we went about it was the right thing to do. "You are right though, I should have talked to you about it."
Ellie turns to look at him. Her eyes are a little sad, even the half smile she currently holds is sad. Yes, talking would have been the adult thing to do, the best thing to do, but they both know how it would have ended if they had talked about it. Both Ellie and he were stubborn to a fault. What would have commenced as a talk to convince her to leave and fulfill her dreams for a future, would have probably ended exactly how Ellie has predicted; in a shouting match.
His hand covers her instantly. With a squeeze, just like her own, he lets her know that he understands.
Before returning to the letter, Alan clasps her hand and raises her fingers to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her fingers before guiding it back to his knee. He knows it has always been a comfort touching place for Ellie, and if she needs it while he reads then he will not deny her. Her touch on his hand is just as soothing to him.
The pain was so raw and deep, but I am now thankful for your selfless
act and for loving me enough to let me go. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't
have had Charlie and Amanda. I wouldn't have known the happiness of motherhood
the particular way that I did. Perhaps we could have adopted down the road,
but you knew how much I desired to be a mother, to feel a baby grow within me.
You gave it to me, even if we couldn't share the parenthood of my babies. For the
record, let me assure you, I would have loved any baby we adopted as much as
I love Charlie and Mandy. They would have been ours, Alan. Perhaps not by birth,
but ours.
Mark was a lifeline when I met him. I was a mess. The life I had envisioned
for so long was completely gone; I thought the man I loved didn't even want to talk
to me as he once had, I had to adjust to life back in the real world and away from
the fossils we both loved so much, and the nightmares from the park were all consuming.
I know what you are thinking. It's impossible that strong Ellie could have fallen apart
because of a relationship failure, right? Wrong. I went through the motions of daily life
but I wasn't in it. You mentioned how your heart had been packed in one of the boxes
I took with me, well my heart stayed in one of your filing cabinets.
I know this will be hard to hear but I did love Mark. Not in the way I love you
but in his own unique way, and for a time I was happy. I was able to let go of the past,
or I thought I had been able to, enough to re-connect with you. I looked forward to our
calls so much and was devastated when they had to stop. I promise I will explain later
in this letter, but I wanted you to know how important those calls were for me.
You weren't alone in wishing things had been different. You told me you sounded
like a crazy man in your letters. Well, if you are a crazy man then you can count me as a
crazy woman because I wished for many things too. It was easier to push those kind of
thoughts away before I got pregnant, but once Charlie was on his way it was impossible.
Many nights I laid awake, hand on my belly, wishing it was you in my bed. I daydreamed
about you spooning behind me, your hand would smooth over mine, feeling for the child
that we had created as your lips pressed to the side of my neck. You would be marveled
by the way my body was changing as it made space for our little one, and even more
marveled at the kicks and rolls that we would feel. You'd be worried I was being hurt
and have somewhat stern talks with our child to tell them to behave before pressing kisses
to my belly because even then you couldn't pretend to be mad. The first time I felt Charlie
move was during one of those daydreams. I could almost hear your gasp and feel your
hand chasing the sensation. I know that in reality it would have been too early for you
to feel. Thank God Mark didn't feel it because it allowed me to share it only with you,
with your memory.
From then on all I could think about was how our babies would look like. Our first
baby would have been a girl. She'd have blue eyes, of course, but they'd be a little
darker like yours. Her hair would be a light brown with little bits of auburn that would
be more noticeable in the light. I guess in my dream we both carried some sort of gene
for that. She'd have cute little freckles all over her face but especially on the bridge of
her nose. She wouldn't be a girly girl though, not our baby. She'd be climbing trees and
giving us heart attacks because she would jump from really high. She'd be fascinated
by fossils, both plants and dinosaurs, but she'd be a complete daddy's girl. She'd follow
you everywhere you'd go. She'd insist that she could do anything, and she could. There
was no stopping our firstborn.
Then, for some odd reason, my brain thought that we would have twins after.
There are no twins in my family but I think you once mentioned your cousin had twins?
Maybe that's where I got it from. It would be a boy and a girl. These two would favor
my blondness but it would be a dirty blonde almost extremely light brunettes. He would
have freckles, just like his older sister, but our youngest wouldn't. They'd have the most
inquisitive set of blue eyes, the kind that looks right into your soul and finds all the
secrets of the universe. I'd tease that since you had our oldest wrapped around your
finger it was only fair that these babies were mommy's babies, but they would be
attached to you at the hip. You always did have a magnet for kids, even when you
didn't appreciate it.
You'd be a wonderful father to our children, Alan, don't even try and argue
with me. You'd take the time to teach them everything and you'd be fiercely protective
over them. No one would dare hurt our babies. I know you'd be hands on too; diapers,
food, play. Whatever it was you'd be there. When you go for something you dive in fully
and this would be no different. I even named our children, that's the level of daydream
we are talking about. Our oldest would be named Sandra but we'd call her Sandy. The
twins would be named Evangeline and Zachary but we'd shorten it to Eva, or Ava, and
Zach. Yes, I named her after your mother. Deal with it, Grant.
Sandy, Eva and Zach. Of course thinking about them and about you brought me
immense happiness but it also came with a crash when I had to go back to reality. Mark
always thought I was just being extra hormonal when he'd find me in the bathroom crying.
I never told him of my daydreams. How could I? He'd think I was crazy to still be pining
after you, after what we could have had, when I was married to another and with a child
on the way, a beautiful baby boy that I loved as deeply as I loved our imaginary three.
Mark would have never understood. To be honest, had you not told me in your letters
about what you'd imagined, I probably would have kept this a secret for the rest of my life.
Not because I didn't think that you'd like it, but because telling you would have just broken
your heart like it broke mine every day I woke up to my reality. At least I find some comfort
in knowing that you also dreamt of a little girl for us.
If we were a little younger now I wouldn't hesitate in adopting a child with you. Like
I said when we were talking about your letter, now we will have grandchildren to look forward
to. We will get to spoil them rotten, shower them with love, teach them everything we know,
and then hand them back to their parents. They will probably sleep over a couple of times
but don't worry, I'll make sure you are prepared for those nights. You are gonna love it.'
"Sandy. Eva. Zach." He whispers to himself, committing to memory the name of the children she had wished for them. The way she had described them had been so thorough that he could actually picture their smiling faces. His heart ached at the knowledge that they could never be. "Would it be too sappy if we commissioned an artist to draw them?"
Ellie seems confused for a second as she asks. "Draw who?"
Realizing that she hadn't heard him list the name of the children, Alan turns to look at her with a grin. "Our children. Sandy, Eva, Zach and Cera." He explains.
He watches as Ellie's eyes tear up. He's about to say he's sorry, that it was a bad idea to begin with and to forget it, when she starts smiling. "I would love that." She finally admits, her voice catching softly before she blinks rapidly to get rid of the moisture and gives a little sniffle. "We could have it in our bedroom, besides the pictures of Charlie and Mandy."
"Do you think they'll find it weird?" Alan quickly asks as the thought invades him. Charlie and Mandy had welcomed him with open arms, teasing the man that they called 'the love of their mother's life' while at the same time letting him know that they already saw him as a step-father even though he still wasn't married to Ellie.
"Charlie and Mandy?" Ellie asks though she's already shaking her head. "Not really. It will be in our bedroom so it won't be extremely public, and even if they did, I would love to have it."
He's going to start searching for an artist as soon as they get back home from the University. He can probably search it on his phone but he's still in a tug-o-war with the small technology device and he doesn't want to mess this up. It is better if he waits until they were back home and he has his laptop. Or maybe he can get in contact with that girl who used to draw the dinosaurs for their crew. Her artwork had always been amazing and she was good at taking direction from what he or one of the other crew members were visualizing. What was her name though?
"Maybe we could get Daphnee to draw them for us." He hears Ellie offer as an option. Yes! That was it. Daphnee.
"I should have her contact information somewhere." He muses, completely nonplused that Ellie has somehow finished his thought without him having to even voice the question that was plaguing him. "I'll try and find it when we get back home."
For now he will continue reading.
Turning back to the letter, he frowns at the turn that it has taken. He has to take a deep breath to prepare himself because he knows that what he will read next will not be happy.
'I promised I was going to explain why our calls stopped. It's not something
I am proud of but I owe you this explanation. I wanted to keep calling you, every
time something happened I wanted to pick up the phone and tell you all about it.
From Charlie learning how to ride a bike to Mandy learning how to speak. I even
wanted to call you the day that Jack said your name, completely out of the blue.
He did remember you, Alan. I wish he'd done it in front of you but rest assured,
he did remember you. Now you two are inseparable and I wouldn't have it any
other way. It took everything in my power not to call you, every minute of every
day I had to resist. Why? Let me explain.
After your last visit, before you left for Isla Sorna and before that last visit
in the hospital, Mark and I had a fight. It was a big one. Don't even think about
blaming yourself for this, Alan Grant, the fault falls completely on me. Apparently
when he went to pick up Amanda after she started crying, he came back and hung
around the dining room entrance. He claims to have seen something between us,
something he didn't like. I told him he was seeing things, that we always got passionate
when we talked and would often talk over each other, but he didn't believe me. He
was right though, there was something and I wanted to protect it so much. I still
loved you, just like the day I had left and I think that despite me trying to hide it,
he saw right through it. He didn't want you to come visit again after that.
When you called me from Isla Sorna, I felt my whole world stop. You were going
to get killed in that stupid island and you would never find out that I still loved you.
I still don't know how I managed to call Mark about getting you help, I must have
been acting like a possessed woman. I wouldn't stop until he promised to send
everything he could. But Mark, he would only send it if I promised to never contact
you again, so I did. All that mattered to me at the moment was keeping you alive.
Afterwards, when I had heard that you had made it out, that he had kept his promise,
I wanted to take the kids and just go to the hospital and never come back. I wanted
to tell you how I felt, how much I loved you, and that I missed you. I should have
done it but I didn't want to alert Mark to it. I went alone and it was the hardest thing
I could have ever done.
You looked exhausted at the hospital. All banged up and bruised with that cut
on your cheek. I know you hated me hovering but I couldn't help it. I also know that
you don't like to see me cry, again, I couldn't help it. You probably thought I was
crying because of the way you looked, and yes, that was part of it, but I was also
crying because we were lucky enough that you had made it out a second time,
and because I knew it was going to be one of the last times I ever saw you.
I should have told you, I should have explained then, but I wanted to spend our
last moments together not thinking about Mark. Leaving you behind was the
hardest thing I could have done. I wanted to run back into your room, tell you
that I loved you and that I wanted to have the family with you and not with Mark.
I like to think that after the initial shock you would have welcomed us, but the more
I thought about it the more I knew it would be unfair to you to suddenly have to deal
with two kids, one of which was a toddler and the other barely a baby. So I kept
quiet, I walked away, and I hurt you deeply in the process. I'm so sorry, honey.
I knew he was going to find out that I had gone to see you. I also knew he
wasn't going to be happy. What I hadn't expected was for him to threaten me with
a divorce and with taking the kids away. Even then he was powerful within the
government. If he wanted to keep the kids and never let me see them again, I knew
he would do it. I also knew that if I didn't agree to what he was demanding, he would
make your life a living hell. I didn't want that to happen either. I know that this goes
against everything you know about me, what with being a feminist and all, but it brought
me to my knees. That was the beginning of the end for my marriage.
Things escalated after that; we would fight for the dumbest things and he would
accuse me of the most salacious acts. He said I had gone to see my lover and not my
friend at the hospital. He insisted that our calls were just for long distance hook ups.
He once even claimed that Charlie was probably yours. That night I screamed at him
that I did wish you'd had father him. Same with Mandy. He didn't take that very well
and I don't blame him. I gave as good as I got. He had already been sleeping in his
own room because of my nightmares, something he never could understand and didn't
really want to get into, and then one night when I woke up screaming for you because
I had just seen you being torn apart by raptors in my nightmares as you tried to protect
Lexy, Tim and I, well let's just say he didn't like it at all. The last drop was that he
screamed at our son. That night he screamed at Charlie who had been woken by my
screaming. I saw red. Next thing I knew I was gathering the kids and the bird up,
screaming at him that it was done, that I was going to divorce him. and I went to my
parents that night. Yes, I drove all that way with two kids and a macaw and no I
don't recommend it.
What followed was a long legal battle, one that Mark hadn't expected. I guess
that in my desire to be a mother and a wife and to have a normal life, I had suppressed
a part of me. That feisty, teasing, no nonsense Ellie had been left somewhere along the way.
Mark knew nothing of her so it came as a surprise when I fought like hell for my kids.
Or maybe that's part of what he saw that day when we were talking about the raptors.
I don't know. Thankfully that part of me is back now, stronger than ever and I don't
intend to ever leave it behind.'
Alan can't help the rush of anger that he feels coursing through his veins. Mark had been an asshole. In the limited amount of time they had spent near each other, or had talked on the phone, he hadn't detected anything wrong with the man but Alan had clearly been wrong when he told Ellie he seemed nice.
"You alright, honey?" He hears Ellie ask him.
"Huh?" Alan replies confused. "What?"
"You are gripping the pages very tightly, Alan." It's not until she tells him this, that he notices the way he's clutching at the papers. He forces himself to relax but by then the edges of the letter are already wrinkled.
"Sorry." He mumbles.
"Nothing to be sorry about. I'm assuming you got to the part of the Mark debacle." Ellie definitively knows him well. She can read him like a book, had always been able to do it. He's not surprised that she could read the hints his body is giving her to conclude where exactly in the letter he is.
"Yeah." He replies, the anger flaring up before he tries to contain it again. "He's an asshole, Ellie."
Ellie is silent for a second or two before she lets out a huge belly laugh. It definitively isn't the reaction he has been expecting but he cracks a half smile just because of the way that Ellie is laughing. When she's managed to calm down, she glances at him quickly, a twinkle in her eye. "He was... or is... I haven't really talked to him since Mandy was sixteen."
"I can't believe that he pressured you to stop talking to me. That he used the children as leverage." He laments.
"People in his line of work are used to being able to do whatever they want." She explains as she refocuses on the road ahead of them. He isn't really sure exactly where they are but judging by their surroundings, he knows they haven't quite reached their destination. "Mark was no different. He had power, which is the only reason that I was afraid he could take the kids. If he'd been... I don't know a professor or a doctor, or whatever else, I would have left right away and never looked back."
"I'm sorry." He whispers. Already he's feeling like he had been part of the contributing factors to her staying in a loveless marriage. Alan knows Ellie will deny it, but he can't help but feel that way.
"Don't be." Ellie quickly replies. "It's not your fault I couldn't let you go or that I couldn't stop loving you. You were always it for me. I think that Mark just realized it before I did."
"Still, Ellie, it must not have been easy."
Ellie nods slightly as she merges into an exit from the freeway. There's a little bit of morning traffic but nothing that stops her from doing so easily while continuing their conversation. "It wasn't, but its still not your fault. You can't blame yourself for Mark's actions or his jealousy."
He knows she's right. Mark is the only one who is at fault for the way he had treated Ellie. But rationally knowing that does nothing to take away the guilt that he feels for Ellie's suffering. "Remember Alan, I gave as much bullshit to him as he did to me. If not more. In the end, all I wanted was to keep my babies and I got way more than that. The only thing I regret is not going to you after the divorce."
"Why didn't you?"
Ellie takes a deep breath but doesn't turn to look at him. Instead, she focuses her gaze on the stretch before her. "Shame, mostly."
"Shame?"
"Oh yes, plenty of it." She gives a nod to the letter with her chin, making him turn to look at the rumpled papers. "Keep reading, dinosaur man."
He smirks at the use of the nickname that little Charlie had given him before starting to read again.
'Afterwards, I was so exhausted from the fighting, so drained from providing
for the kids so that they wouldn't miss not having daddy around, that I was at my wits
end. My father was the first to bring up your name. He said I should call you and see
how you were and tell you about my divorce. I think he was still rooting for us by then,
even when Mom never liked me being with an older man. I did consider calling you. God,
I wanted to call you so badly, but I was ashamed. Ashamed and terrified of what you
would think of me, of my failure of having the normal life that had driven us apart. The
one thing I wanted most in the world, I couldn't accomplish and while it had been
happening, I had spent most of the time wishing that Mark was you. What kind of person
does that? I ended up convincing myself that you'd be ashamed of me and that it would
be far better if I left you alone without bringing all my problems to you, so I stayed away.
Physically at least.
I kept track of you, Alan, as best as I could. I would read everything you published,
I would brush up on your latest discoveries, and celebrate your newest accomplishments.
Anything I could do to feel connected to you, in some way, I did. Charlie and Amanda
grew up listening to me tell them the tales of the best paleontologist the world had to give.
Of course, I kept the part of the park out of it, but other than that, they were very much
aware of who you were. You were their hero, their favorite story, the amazing uncle that
only Charlie could remember. Should I have done it? Probably not. It sounds desperate
now that I'm writing it, but back then it was the only way I could keep you around me.'
He chuckles to himself though Ellie hears him and quickly asks what he's found. "You told them all about me? Should I be worried about how much ammunition they have on me?"
Ellie giggles but silently shakes her head. "They would never tease you..." Then she adds as an afterthought. "At least not a lot."
"Ha, ha, funny." He replies. "Very funny, Ellie Sattler."
He returns to the letter, Ellie's harmonious laugh serving as background music to his ears.
'Then Jurassic World happened and the nightmares kicked into gear again.
How could they think it was a good idea after what happened to Hammond's park?
I was livid when they contacted me to be a part of their enclosure design team. Oh,
they presented it beautifully, telling me that I would be making a real difference in
making sure the dinosaurs had what they needed plant wise, they even told me you
were considering joining and for a moment, just a moment I actually thought of
accepting. Only because it would be a way to see you, maybe even talk to you. It
might have been years since we'd talked but I still knew you and I knew that you
would never agree to the park, not after what had happened to us. I, like you, kept
waiting for the day where it would be announced that a dinosaur had broken out.
It honestly took longer than I had expected.
Maybe it was because of Jurassic World that I decided to completely change
my focus. I wanted nothing to do with it, nothing to do with dinosaurs. So I refocused,
from the past to the present and future. I always did bother you about recycling,
didn't I? Too late to back out now, Grant, you are stuck with me. I avoided the
dinosaurs as much as I could, and no, I hadn't really had any interactions with them,
neither have Mandy or Charlie. At least that I know of. Knowing them, they might
not tell me since they know what we went through at the park. I should call them,
make sure they aren't keeping any encounter a secret. They'll think I'm hovering
but I don't care. I specially have to check on Mandy, she's too tenderhearted and
if either of them ends up close to one, Mandy will be the one to touch it. She can't
resist them. I guess she takes after me.
What was that thing that Ian said? Life finds a way? As much as I wanted to
stay away from the dinosaurs, it seems that my life will always be around them. Or
at least something relating to them. I had no idea when I started focusing on those
damn locust that they would bring me back to you. It's the only good thing that has
come from them, really. I told you that you'd been solving it with me from the very
beginning, and you have. I always felt your presence but I was sure that it was
because I was clinging to the hope that maybe someday our paths would cross again.
Now I realize that at some point my mental voice became yours. Every time we talked
in my thoughts, every time we unraveled a part of the mystery, you were always urging
me to look towards Biosyn. So I did. We were right.
I had been trying to think of a reason to contact you for so long, to actually
bounce ideas off of you like we used to, but I always kept drawing up short. I truly
thought you were happy, Alan and the last thing I wanted to do was disrupt that
happiness and peace by slamming into your life with my climate studies and worries.
So I told myself that unless there was an actual, tangible, piece of evidence that I
could track down, I wouldn't bother you. Imagine my surprise when Ian slid into my
DMs. He didn't have theories, he had a way to obtaining concrete evidence that tied
everything to Biosyn; the dinosaur trafficking, the locust plagues, even Maisie's
kidnapping. I knew that if I didn't research this, if I didn't try to get to the bottom
of everything, I would regret it for the rest of my life. This could have tangible
repercussions in our world and maybe stop the doom scenarios that kept appearing
in my research.'
"Two things." He says as soon as he interrupts his reading.
"Yes, dear?" Ellie replies in a sweet voice that tells him that she will tease him if he isn't careful. "What can I help you with?"
"First, you can always slam back into my life whenever you want with whatever you are doing." Alan starts listing. "And second, I still don't know what 'slid into my DMs' means."
Ellie looks at him with a raised eyebrow and a funny expression. He can tell she's trying really hard not to laugh and he appreciates it. He'd never been very good with technology and since he preferred to spend his time in a dig instead of socializing, some of the slang of new generations is certainly lost to him.
"I hope that there is no need to slam back into your life anymore." She admits to him with a cheeky grin. "Seeing as I am planning to marry you and all."
He gives her his own cheeky grin. He still can't believe that they are actually getting married, that he had the courage to ask her to begin with. That had been part of his issues back when they were younger. This time around he is NOT going to let that stop them. "Right." He replies. "No slamming back into anyone's life."
"Good that we have that settled down." She adds. "Now about the DMs-"
"Yes, why can't you guys talk like normal people?" Alan can't help but lament. Sometimes hearing Ellie and Ian talk, or hearing conversations between the tourist that had come to the dig-site, left him with a headache. He knows that he needs to 'catch up with times' like Amanda had told him but that's not going to stop him from teasing his fiancé.
"We are talking like normal people!" Ellie exclaims before she swats his arm playfully. "It's just a saying."
"Which means?"
"That he sent me a private message." He can see her lip struggling to not curl upwards into a smile so he knows she's holding something back.
"What kind of private message."
She bursts out laughing for the second time. "Not the kind of message you are thinking about, though yes that's exactly how the youth these days uses it. He just nudged me in the right direction."
"Right, right." He's no longer jealous of Ian, after all Ellie is marrying him and has made it quite clear that the man she wants is him, but he still pretends to be, though he can see that Ellie is looking right through his bluff. "So if I hear that whole 'slid into my dms' with Ian and you I shouldn't worry about it."
"Exactly."
"But if I hear it from Mandy or Charlie..." He extends his words on purpose because he knows that it will get a reaction from Ellie.
"Oh! Then you definitively worry." She replies quickly. "A lot! You have my total permission to go 'overprotective dad' on them."
He chuckles at her response. It warms his heart that she already thinks of him as a father to her children. With Mark out of the picture for the most part, he doesn't mind at all filling in the space. Of course, as long as Mandy and Charlie don't mind it.
"Keep reading, we are about twenty minutes away." Ellie urges him.
Traffic has been light, thankfully, and they've managed to make less time than they had previously thought it would take them. He's a little relieved that they will at least have some time to talk before she has to turn into Dr. Ellie Sattler, Paleobotanist and Anthropocene expert.
He's almost done and he really wants to savor the last of it because he knows it will talk about their recent adventures so he returns his attention to her neat handwriting.
'That's when I knew that I had to see you. Whether you accepted to come
with me into this very dangerous mission or not, I had to see you. At worst you
could say you weren't interested and showed me out of your tent, then if something
happened to me at the lab at least I had seen you one last time. I also didn't know
what I would be walking into when I arrived at your site. I could imagine some of
it based on what we'd lived in Montana, but that wasn't really what worried me. I
didn't know if you had a special someone, or if you'd finally changed your mind and
had a family. I know I had no right to feel jealous, especially without even knowing
if it was a reality, but I did. I was relieved when I went into your tent and knew right
away that that space was all you. Surely if you had someone there would be a touch
of womanhood, a hint here and there. I told myself that if I made it out of this, if we
made it out of this in case you decided to come with me, I would tell you everything.
I would tell you I still loved you, that I never forgot about you. I would explain why
I had cut off all communication. Somehow, I'd do it.
I was very sure you wouldn't be interested in coming with me to Italy. I prepared
myself for it actually. Imagine my surprise when you looked up, gave me one of those
Alan Grant half grins, and followed me out of your dig-site. The part of me that had
been waiting for this moment for twenty-seven years rejoiced, but the cautious part
of me reminded myself that this was just a mission to you, that you were doing it for
a friend, and that nothing would come out of it. I have something to admit, Alan. When
you were sleeping on the way there, I couldn't help myself and rested against you.
It immediately took me back to our past, to being cuddled together on the days that rained
and we couldn't do anything other than hope that the damage to our work would be minimal.
God, as soon as you started waking up, I pulled away but everything in me was telling me to
stay there. I hadn't realized how touch starved I was until I was with you so I took every
opportunity to touch you; pressing my head to your chest, holding your hand, just
standing so close that our shoulders touched. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable.
I never wanted to put you in danger. That was never my intention. If you had said
you weren't interested, I would have respected it. When things started getting on the scary
side, I knew I should have never dragged you into this. I had been selfish asking you to come.
I had used it as an excuse to get back into your life and now you could be dying on that
godforsaken Italian island and it would all be my fault. If something had happened to you,
I would have never forgiven myself. Your safety was much more important to me than
even my own, but after that Giganosaurus encounter all I could think about was the way
you'd held me, the panic on your face, the way you ran to me to make sure I was alright.
I again promised myself that I was going to tell you everything and that I was going to
make it out. There was no other option.
We survived. Somehow, we survived. Do you know how lucky that is? We both
survive to Isla Nublar, then you survive Isla Sorna, and then we both survive Italy?
What are the odds of that ever happening? I'm glad we beat those odds though.
I was so nervous when we were at the tarmac, waiting to be taken away from
that nightmare. I knew I couldn't just come out and tell you that I still loved you because
I was afraid that it would send you running for the hills. I had to give you the option, it
had to be your decision or I would find a way to convince myself that you were simply
coming along because I was forcing you. Forcing you was the last thing I wanted but I
needed to take this second chance with you. I was surprised at your response, truly. I
could feel my heart beating so fast. I had to touch you, to make sure that you were
really real and not something my mind was conjuring up after a traumatic experience.
You were real. You really were there and you said you wanted to come with me. After
twenty-seven years and a lot of heartbreak for both of us, you were going to leave with
me. There was no way I wasn't going to kiss you after that.
That has to be the best kiss I've ever had, by the way. The way you pulled me
towards you, the sensation of how your hands felt on my waist, strong and perfect, even
the way we awkwardly stumbled a little after the kiss. It was everything I could have
hoped for, more in fact. I finally felt whole again, my heart was back in its place. I was
happy. I hadn't realized how sad my life had become; sure, I had my freedom and I was
back to my studies, but I still pretended that my life was put together. I haven't been
pretending ever since. You complete me, Alan, and I hope we never get to feel the
brokenness of being apart. Not ever.
We've grown so much while we were apart, we've evolved with our circumstances,
but now I look forward to our future together. You are already proving to be a wonderful
step-father to Mandy and Charlie, and of course to our Jack. Actually, Mark was the
step-father there and he never really liked Jack's potty mouth. I still find it hilarious. I have
no doubt that we will be happy together for the rest of our days; whether they are spent
giving lectures at Universities, or joining Claire to fight for the dinosaurs' rights, or just
staying at home and cuddling together while the kids make a ruckus upstairs during their
summer break from college. I can't wait to finally become Dr. Ellie Sattler-Grant. Yes, I am
hyphenating this time and yes, I will be using that name even in my scientific work.
You are it for me, Alan Grant. You've been it for me for more than thirty years. There
is no one I trust more with my heart and soul, with my kids' life, than you. I know I already
told you this when you asked me, but I want to leave it in writing in case anyone ever doubts
my love for you. Yes, Alan Grant, I will marry you and yes, I will have you for all eternity.
Always and forever yours,
Your Ellie.'
He carefully folds the letter back up before sliding it into the envelope. Instead of putting it back on the shipping envelope he raises one end of his coat and slides the letter into the inside pocket to keep it safe.
Alan remains quiet, turning to look at Ellie. He likes having the chance to simply observe her as she goes about her business. Every movement she makes seems delicate but with a purpose; the way her hands glide over the steering wheel, or how she bites the end of her lip as she looks at the mirrors while pulling into the University parking lot. He's even mesmerized by the way she talks to the security woman at the entrance of the parking lot then guides her car to the parking spot they had reserved for her.
He remains quiet, studying the magnificent creature besides him until she parks the car, pulls out her keys, and rests them on her lap. Ellie silently turns to look at him, her whole body shifting with her head so that she's facing him. She had a look of expectation on her face, as if she's waiting for him to say something, but he remains quiet.
He finally raises a hand and gently cups her cheek before leaning in for a kiss. Ellie sighs contently against his lips, enjoying their kiss as much as he is, then presses her forehead against his when they finally come up for air.
"It's always been you too, Ellie." He finally whispers as their nose brush against each other.
She has her eyes close, which he doesn't mind, but even then he can see the effect his words have on her, especially the shiver that runs down her body. "I wish I had told you before, that I had been strong enough to reach out to you, or that you had been."
"We promised not to dwell on that." She reminds him, her eyes finally opening. They are close but he can still see into them. "Remember?"
"Yes, I remember." He leans in for another kiss, losing himself in the feel of her lips touching his and in the knowledge that he is allowed to kiss her as he pleases. He will have probably continued kissing her if it wasn't for the slamming of a car door near them and the arguing of a couple of girls that have just exited the vehicle. He blushes, realizing that they are at the University where she will soon be presenting and which is definitively not the place to be making out with his fiancé. Yet he can't help himself and gives her another peck on the lips.
"Come on, lets walk." Ellie doesn't wait for his response before she's already opening the door and stretching out her legs as she gets out of the car. He mimics her actions and even reaches to the back to grab her work bag. When they meet in front of the car, she extends her hand to take her bag which he knows better than to try and carry for her.
"It's this way." She seems to already know where she is going so he follows dutifully a step behind.
It only takes a couple of steps before Ellie slows down and turns to look at him. She opens her palm, reaching for his hand which he quickly gives her. Their fingers intertwine right away, their hands fitting together perfectly. He marvels at the sensation of it all and at how natural it seems to be walking the campus grounds hand in hand with Ellie. They attract some attention as they walk, after all they do look very much like professors and seeing professors holding hands is unusual, but the last thing he wants to do is give up his hold on her.
"You do know I would have gone with you, right?" He asks despite knowing that she's written she had prepared herself for his rejection. "Under any circumstance."
"I didn't." Ellie admits. "I hoped, but I didn't know."
"Locust, dinosaurs, greedy humans, no matter what I would have gone with you." Alan reinstates, wanting to leave it very clear. "One of the things I learned during this... separation is that my place is with you. Doesn't matter if it's in the desert, in the forest, in fields, or in labs as we try to prove how a greedy company is trying to monopolize the food industry, my place is with you. I wasn't going to let you leave that tent without me."
"Good, because it saved me having to beg." She says as she bumps her shoulder against his without missing a beat in their walk.
"You would not have begged, Ellie Sattler."
"Maybe, maybe not," she replies before her cheeks get a soft pink color to them. "I would have done it if it meant spending more time with you."
He tried to imagine it but Alan simply couldn't see her begging, just like he couldn't see himself saying no. He holds on a little tighter to her hand, afraid that if it slips away she will disappear.
"Thank you." Alan whispers. "For writing that letter."
Ellie stops her walking and turns to look at him. They are in the middle of the walkway, the shade from a nearby tree giving them some coverage from the sun while still remaining visible to all the half-asleep students as they make their way to their classes or lectures. It doesn't stop Ellie from having a heart to heart, though.
"After reading the letters you wrote to me and feeling your love throughout all those years, I wanted you to feel the same. To know that throughout all those years I still loved you and that I didn't want to abandon you." She explains to him. "I know its not as big of a deal as twenty-seven letters, but I hope it at least lets you see that."
He smiles at her before giving her a little nod. "I feel loved." Alan promises.
Ellie gives a silent giggle before leaning in for another kiss. "Good, cause you are. Once I love something, I never stop."
He chuckles out loud, earning them more looks sent their way. He doesn't care though. Quickly checking his watch, Alan realizes that despite having arrived earlier than expected, the time for her lecture has arrived. "Come on, Dr. Sattler. I wouldn't want to keep your attendees waiting."
She squeezes his hand but doesn't let go even as they continue walking to the lecture hall. He doesn't care though. In fact, a whole herd of carnivores could stomp by and he would still be holding her hand. This is where he belongs, besides her, side by side, equals in whatever adventure fate has in store for them. If others can't see it or if they think it's weird, well then that's their problem. It's only when they go up the stairs and cross with the same two girls that had been arguing by their car, that Alan manages to hear part of their conversation.
"Is that-"
"Dr. Alan Grant? Yes, that's him!"
"I thought he was back in the Badlands."
"I guess not. Look! He's with Dr. Sattler! I wonder if he'll talk at her lecture as well?"
"Maybe." The voice grows lower as he moves further away but he can still somewhat hear what is said. "My uncle used to work at one of their digs. He said they always made a cute couple and could never understand why they broke up."
"Guess you can tell him they are together now."
"He's for sure going to freak out!"
Yes, he's definitively where he belongs.
The End.
