Summary: On occasion when two people are battling in a conflict of life or death, the gods may take interest and put them on the hit game show Soul or Hole where they fight one another in a series of challenges to determine who gets to keep their soul and who ends up in a hole. Harry and Voldemort were locked in a magical duel when they were chosen as the newest contestants. Crack Oneshot. Characters: Harry Potter, Voldemort. No pairing.


"Avada kedavra!"

"Expelliarmus!"

The two spells crashed together, and the familiar sound of Phoenix song erupted around them. This was it, everything Harry had gone through, lived through, had led him to this point. He had been expecting to die in the forbidden forest, but after his conversation with Dumbledore and his resurrection? He had a newfound had heard how his friends still supported him. He had watched Neville lop the head off of Naigini, and Harry was filled with determination to end this war once and for all.

The large circle of yellow light in the middle of where their spells collided inched closer to Voldemort before swinging back towards Harry, and then suddenly it began to grow. Larger and larger it grew until Harry was blinded by the light. He saw that Voldemort had raised his free hand as well to cover his face and then harry abruptly felt an unfamiliar sensation of some kind of magical travel.

It felt more disorienting than apparition, but not quite like a pull from the navel like a portkey. When the uncomfortable sensation abated, Harry found himself standing in a room that looked like a large square made of white. He wondered briefly if he had died again, but when he looked to his left, he saw Voldemort standing 10 meters away looking just as confused.

They locked eyes and Voldemort sneered at him. He raised his wand and shouted "Avada Kedavra!" Harry leapt out of the way, but a spell never left his wand. Harry stood and aimed his own wand.

"Expelliarmus?" He said in a questioning voice. Voldemort responded with a quick shield charm, but neither of their spells materialized. They looked at one another and Harry shrugged his shoulders to indicate this wasn't his doing.

Voldemort shrugged back and inspected his wand. "Lumos?" He said quietly but nothing happened.

Harry was looking around the room, trying to make sense of what cruel trick fate was playing on him now and then jumped as a booming voice rang out around him. "Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of 'Soul or Hole'!

"For those of you who don't remember this is the game show where we take two individuals who are fighting to the death in a battle for their souls and help determine a winner by pitting them against one another in a nine-round gameshow to determine who gets to keep their soul and who ends up in a hole!"

Harry heard cheering from what sounded like a crowd, but he still couldn't see anyone. He looked to Voldemort who was looking around just as confused as he was. The voice waited for the applause to die down before speaking again.

"As always, I, Dionysus, will be your host commentating our way through this epic battle for life and death." Again, the applause rang out. The room suddenly lurched under Harry, and he just barely kept his feet. The white walls that surrounded them and fell away showing a crowd bigger than Harry had seen at the Quidditch World Cup. They were all cheering loudly and Harry was shocked to make out some of them wearing shirts with his face on them and giant foam fingers that said HP#1!.

Suddenly a tall man with curly brown hair and a beard clad in just a toga made his way over to them. He had a microphone looped around his ear that stayed in place near his mouth so he could keep both his hands clear. As he got closer Harry noticed that his eyes were a startingly shade of purple and his teeth were stained slightly red.

As he neared Voldemort held his wand out and snarled but the man just rolled his eyes covering the microphone with his hand so he could speak to them without the crowd hearing. "Oh, put that away. Your silly little magic doesn't work in this realm. Voldemort's snarl lessened a bit, and he sheepishly holstered the most powerful wand in existence.

"Thank you. Now we'll be starting soon. Is there anything you would like me to include in your bios? Why you guys are fighting, your sob story, things like that." They both stared at him blankly and he sighed.

"Listen, one of the rounds has to do with an audience vote, so you should be laying it on thick here, let them know why they should vote for you." He told them exasperatedly.

Harry was debating if he had somehow died and ended up in hell when Voldemort's high voice broke him out of his thoughts. "So, whoever wins the most rounds lives and the other dies?"

"Yep." The man responded. "It's a best of nine so first to five gets to return to the land of the living and the other has their soul sent to Hades to be thrown into the deepest pit of Tartarus and bound to eternal punishment forevermore."

Harry looked up at him in a panic. "I thought eternal damnation was only for the evil?" he asked worriedly.

"We have to have stakes, or no one would watch. Now let me hear those sob stories."

Harry was still trying to make sense of what the hell was going on when Voldemort began speaking quickly. "I was an orphan!" He shouted. "I grew up in an orphanage and no one wanted to be my friend and I was always alone!"

Harry had to physically keep his jaw from dropping. "You were an orphan because you murdered your dad, and the reason no one wanted to be your friend was because you would take them to a creepy lake and touch them inappropriately with your magic." Harry argued back.

Voldemort looked ready to refute his statements, but it was Dionysus who spoke first. "Ah, ah, ah. Only your sob story. You don't get to contradict his story." Voldemort shot him a smug look and harry pouted before having an idea.

"Well, I'm and orphan too! My parents were murdered by a raging psychopath and then he tried to kill me too. I was forced to live with my aunt and uncle who were physically and verbally abusive and then I went to a school where the same psychopath and my teachers tried to murder me year after year!"

Dionysus gave out a low whistle. "Wow that is quite the sob story. Who was the psychopath?"

It was Harry's turn to wear a smug smile as he pointed at Voldemort who looked panicked. "I lived as nothing more than a spirit in the woods for almost 15 years." He said quickly.

"When I was little I saw what my heart most desired in a magical mirror and it was a loving family that he took away from me!"

"I'm physically incapable of love!"

"My Godfather who was my only remaining family was killed because snake face over here mind molested me and lured me into a trap!"

Voldemort held up a finger and then put it down. "Damn. I really did a number on you, didn't I?"

Harry looked at him incredulously choosing not to answer. Dionysus looked between the two of them and then coughed once. "Well, I think I have enough information. Now if you would both step up with me, let's introduce you to the crowd and we can go over the rules."

They both followed him to the center of the stage they were on, and the background din of the crowd rose. Harry heard someone shout out 'Have my babies!' and was hoping they were talking to Dionysus. When they finally reached the center of the stage it rose up even higher.

"Ladies and gentlemen! We will now go over the rules and introduce our contestants!" He waited for the cheering to quiet before speaking again. "As we all know, this is a best-of-nine and the first to five victories wins it all. Round five will of course be decided by you the crowd, and we are putting together personalized bios for our two contestants as we speak.

"The remaining rounds will test their skill, knowledge, and ingenuity in a number of tasks that we have pulled from their home planet and dimension. Among these challenges we will see bowling, minigolf, and maths!" Harry looked over to Voldemort to make sure he had heard correctly and mouthed "Minigolf?"

Voldemort mouthed back "Bowling?" They shrugged at one another and turned back to Dionysus.

"The first to win five victories will be returned to the time we took them from and the other will be sent to the depths of Hades!" He shouted and the crowd went crazy. "Now! Without further ado, let us begin!"

Dionysus suddenly disappeared as the stage they were on once again shifted. The voice of Dionysus rang out once more. "Like we mentioned these tasks were taken directly from their home planet and are competitions that should test the worth and valor of our competitors! We will begin with… A spelling bee!"

The stage continued to change until it looked like the inside of a school auditorium. There were two chairs placed a few meters apart and a podium with a microphone that had risen up. "Seeing as we only have two contestants, you will each be given three strikes, the first to misspell three words is out and will lose the first round. Any questions?"

Harry had about a dozen he could think of off the top of his head, but before he could speak Dionysus' voice rang out once more. "Excellent! First up is Harry Potter!" Harry stood shakily and made his way over to the podium. When he arrived the room quieted, and Harry was nearly blinded by what he assumed was a spotlight.

"Harry, your word is Precocious." Dionysus said and it took Harry a second to realize this was really happening.

"Uh, I'm sorry could you repeat that please?"

"Your word is Precocious."

"Could you use it in a sentence?"

"Margaret was a clever and gifted child; most called her precocious."

Harry took a swallow. "Precocious, uh P-R-E-C-O-C-I-O-U-S, Precocious." There was a moment of silence and Harry's heart was thundering in his chest.

"That is correct!" The voice of Dionysus shouted out and the crowd went crazy. Harry turned around and sat back at his seat. "Next up is Tom Riddle!" The crowd cheered again as Voldemort made his way to the podium. He correctly spelled his word Plumbiferous.

They continued going turn for turn, but it was ultimately Harry who had ended up losing the first round after he received his third strike on the word Montessorian. Voldemort had pumped his fist and Harry was disappointed with himself, even though he had known that Voldemort was likely a bigger reader than he was and much older as well. He only hoped he could bring it back in the next round.

"That concludes round one and puts Tom Riddle ahead one to zero over Harry Potter, but will he be able to maintain his lead going into our next round of Bowling?" Harry perked up at this. When he was little, he would often hide from Dudley inside of the Little Whining bowling alley and had gotten rather good in the time he spent there. He felt even better about his chances when he looked towards Voldemort and saw his worried expression.

The stage began to shift again until it was a two-lane bowling alley. "We will be playing a ten frame round of ten pin bowling. Each pin you knock down earns you a point, while you can also score extra points by hitting 'strikes' or 'spares'. A strike is when you knock down all ten pins at your first attempt in a single frame and will get you 10 points plus the number of pins you knock down for your first attempt at the next frame.

"A spare is when you fail to knock down all ten pins at your first attempt in a single frame but manage to clear the remaining pins at your second attempt and will give you 10 points plus the number of pins you knock down for your first attempt at the next frame."

Harry nodded his head already aware of the rules while Voldemort looked confused. "Seeing as Mr. Potter started us off in the last challenge, we will have Mr. Riddle start now." Voldemort walked over to the balls and hefted one in his hand. He looked questioningly at Harry, but Harry shook his head. Voldemort sighed and tried to throw it down the waxed lane, but it hit the gutter almost instantly, as did his second try. Harry then stepped up and after knocking down 8 pins in his first go, he finished off he first frame with a spare.

Somewhere around the fifth frame Voldemort found slightly more success using the granny smith method, but at that point it was too late, and Harry won comfortably 136-34. The crowd had gone wild as Dionysus announced that the score was tied, and they would be moving on to their next challenge.

The third task had been maths and Voldemort, who was an extremely accomplished arithmancer, wiped the floor with Harry whose maths knowledge only extended to the year 6 level to reclaim the edge 2-1. They then moved on to an incredibly strange task.

The stage shifted until they were in a replica of a park in the middle of muggle London. There was a girl crying and the goal was to get her to stop crying and cheer her up. Whoever did it faster would win. Harry went first, and to prevent any cheating Voldemort was escorted away so he couldn't watch.

He made his way to the young girl cautiously. "Hey there," he told her softly and winced slightly as she stepped away from him. "I don't want to hurt you; I was just hoping to maybe help find your mum or dad?"

She sniffled and looked at him suspiciously. "Mummy told me not to speak to strangers." She said petulantly and Harry nodded. "You're very smart to listen to her. Would you happen to know where she went so that I could tell her where you are?" He asked and her lip quivered.

We were supposed to be walking to the bakery, but I got distracted by the ducks." She told him and Harry nodded.

"I always used to get distracted by the ducks too." He told her kindly.

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, all the time." Harry said glancing around. He noticed a bakery further down the street. "I see a bakery just down the way, would you like to walk with me, and we could check if your mum is there?" She gave him an appraising look.

"My name is Sophie." She told him.

"I'm Harry." He replied.

"Okay, we're not strangers now." She said quickly and ran to grab hold of his hand.

Harry chuckled and led her to the bakery. When he got there, he saw a panicked woman looking around and shouting Sophie's name. He tapped her on the shoulder and retuned the girl. Just as the mother was about to thank him, the scene froze and reset itself.

"4 minutes and 34 seconds." Came the voice of Dionysus and the crowd cheered. Because Harry had already gone, they permitted him to watch as Voldemort began his turn. Harry watched as he made his way over to the girl and asked her kindly why she was crying. Seeing this side of him made Harry's skin crawl and apparently the girl got the same sensation as she took one look at him and ran away screaming and crying.

Voldemort decided his best course of action was to chase her and scream out "Don't cry! I'm going to make you happy!" Harry watched for four and a half minutes as the girl evaded him while other individuals began to try and tackle him and then, mercifully, the horn sounded.

"With our latest result Harry has once again tied the score and it is two to two. We will now commence the audience voting round while our contestants receive refreshments." Harry sat in one of the seats that appeared and drank greedily from a glass of water. He saw Voldemort doing the same.

He was hoping that the audience voting round would go his way, putting him on triple match point, but he didn't know how immortal beings would vote so he sat anxiously awaiting the results. After a few more minutes the voice of Dionysus rang out. "Two more minutes to get your votes in!" He shouted and Harry felt the same nervous energy that usually rose up in him prior to a quidditch match.

The two minutes stretched on for what felt like an eternity, but finally Dionysus spoke up. "Round five, the audience voting round was scored and the winner, with 72% of the total votes is… Harry Potter! This places him at a 3-2 advantage" Harry jumped up and pumped his fist in the air. Meanwhile he could see Voldemort pacing nervously.

Dionysus waited for the crowd before speaking again. "The next round is a penalty shootout! The contestants will take it in turn to shoot and attempt to save the others shots from the penalty marker." The stage changed again until it turned into a football pitch with a goal.

Harry was decent at football and had played some goalie in school so he was hoping he could take this one. Dionysus had Harry keeping first and Voldemort walked to the spot and shot the ball past the left post. Harry celebrated internally and stepped up for his own penalty. He put it right just past Voldemort's stretched fingers.

That miss ended up being the difference as neither was able to stop anything else and Harry won 5-4. The crowd went wild once more and once again Dionysus' voice thundered out the winner and the updated score line.

"Our next round, and the round that could potentially end this episode will be the 100-meter dash!" Harry looked at Voldemort trying to judge how he would fare. He knew that he was quite fast and had experience running from his youth and year of Harry Hunting, but Voldemort had a magically constructed body with long legs.

They made their way over to the track that materialized, and Harry took his stance in the wider lane. Voldemort seemed to be talking to himself trying to hype himself up and at one point began slapping himself. Harry shot him a concerned look before shaking his head. Once they were both in position, they waited for the pistol to sound, and they were off.

Harry held even for the first 30 meters or so, but Voldemort's long limbs and magic body kept him from tiring, and he beat Harry by three whole seconds in the end. Harry was standing with his hands on his knees panting as the Dionysus announced the winner and the new score.

Harry was still panting as the stage once again shifted. "We will now begin round eight, the minigolf challenge!" Dionysus announced and Harry looked to Voldemort to gauge his reaction. Harry had never played minigolf before, but by the look on Voldemort's face, he hadn't either.

"Let me remind you all that if Harry wins this round he wins the competition, but if Tom wins then we will be pushed to our final round the go-kart race!" Harry was happy to hear that the final challenge would be something neutral, but he hoped to end it here.

As he looked around, he noticed the stage had transformed into a mini golf course with moving windmills and other various challenges. "The course is nine holes long and at the end the lowest score wins!" The crowd cheered and Harry went to the first hole and took aim. He hit the golf ball over the bridge and through the tunnel and saw it emerge near the hole.

Voldemort took aim next and hit a similar shot. They both put it away in two strokes. They continued on each keeping the score close as they would pull ahead slightly before evening out. Harry went first on the ninth and final hole. There was a moving windmill with a small hole at the base that they had to hit it through. If you got it first try, it would be a hole-in-one.

Harry lined up his putt and took a deep breath. The score was tied, and this could be big. He waited for a few moments until he had the speed of the windmill down and struck the ball. It rolled true and fit in just between the two blades. The crowd went wild, and Dionysus' voice rang out. "Hole-in-one! If Tom can match, we go to sudden death, if not we have a winner!"

Harry watched as Voldemort stepped up and took a deep breath. He wiped his brow and mimed a swing. He took another deep breath and then swung. The ball rolled towards the hole but hit off one of the blades as he had mistimed his stroke. He looked around nervously and started to run when a glass box encased him.

"That does it folks! Harry Potter is the winner of today's episode of Soul or Hole which means eternal damnation for Tom!" The crowd went wild and Harry collapsed onto the ground in relief. Harry saw a tall man with dark hair and dark eyes walk up to the glass box.

"Hello, my name is Hades. I've been keeping an eye on you, and I must say I am thrilled that you lost." Voldemort began to scream then, and Harry almost felt guilty. Almost.

Dionysus appeared next to him then. "Congratulations! You were a real fan favorite and so as well as keeping your soul, we've decided to bless you with a stress-free and happy life from this point forward." He told Harry jovially.

Harry muttered a thank you in response and Dionysus beamed. "Wonderful, now if you ever find yourself in a similar predicament, we would love to have you on again, but for now we'll send you back. Thanks Harry!"

The same feeling that he had felt on the trip here reappeared and suddenly Harry found himself back at Hogwarts. He watched as Voldemort began to fall apart while his body scattered like ash in the wind.

He heard Hermione speak from behind him. "Is… is he gone?" She asked.

Harry nodded resolutely. "He's in the hole." He said with finality while Hermione shot him a confused look.

"What?"

"He's in the hole." He repeated. Harry watched as the other death eaters scattered and made his way inside the castle. He was heading to the kitchens with one thought in mind, finding a stiff drink and a place to lie down for a minute.