Summary: Dumbledore and the rest of the staff are surprised by more than just Harry's name coming out of the Goblet. Crack fic!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

"Hogwarts Intelligence Network"

"Harry Potter" Dumbledore repeated as the boy in question had not moved an inch since the Goblet spit a fourth scrap of parchment and Dumbledore read his name surprised. "Please come up"

"Why?" Ron asked.

"Excuse me?" the Headmaster couldn't help but ask. What did the boy mean why? Because the Goblet spat the name!

"Why should he go up there?" Ron clarified.

"Because his name came out of the Goblet of Fire. He was chosen," he tried calmly saying instead of yelling and throttling the boy as he wanted to. Really dealing with teenagers sometimes was an exercise in seeing how many different ways you could count to ten.

"Yeah," Angelina Johnson started slowly as if he was the one being difficult, "but he didn't put his name in now, did he? So, he can't be held accountable."

"And 'ow would you know?" asked the French Headmistress coming down from the head table to stand next to Dumbledore. She wasn't the only one. Most of the staff and minister representatives followed suit, except Trelawney who seemed unaware of what was happening, and Filch, who was content in scowling fiercely down at the students.

Angelina looked at her calmly, "Because Harry made sure to be within sight of multiple people from the moment you and your schools stepped foot in this castle."

The adults who were apparently forming a front to deal with what they thought were unruly students, looked gob-smacked and someone whispered "What?" while Seamus added:

"He insisted, even in the loo. Let me tell you, not a happy experience."

"Well, he did it while everyone was asleep then," Karkarov spat.

"You got to sleep!" Fred exclaimed. "Lucky bastard. Gryffindor house didn't. Harry made sure of it "

At this Harry smirked and added for the first time from where he was still calmly siting, "Drums are so much fun."

"Mr. Potter, why would you do such a thing?" McGonagall asked appalled at what had transpired in her house yesterday without her knowledge.

"Simple, you announced that you were going to choose the champions for a tournament with a history of killing the competitors on Halloween. Really what other choice did I have?" He shrugged as the sea of students, even the foreigners nodded.

"Harry my boy. Why would you fill the need to go to such lengths," Dumbledore asked confused. Yes, he had been worried the tournament was a prime opportunity to try and get to the boy. That's why he hired Alastor to be here to protect Harry, and had personally made sure the man guarded the Goblet during the night when it would be unsupervised. Under an invisibility cloak as to not discourage the shyer students who wouldn't want an audience when submitting their name. But Harry shouldn't have worried. He is a child. It's the adults' jobs to care for him – and if anyone could read his thought, they would truly believe the man had gone senile and couldn't remember the previous three years.

"You're kidding right?" came from the Slytherin table. "It's Potter and Halloween. Everyone knows something is going to happen. Even I know that!"

"See even Draco knows," Harry said happily pointing at the blond and then turned to him with a smile and a thumbs up. "Kudos on the self-awareness though. Never thought you'd be one to admit your shortcomings. The first step towards getting help is acceptance right here," he finished nodding wisely and pointing his thumb at his heart.

"I admitted no such thing!" Draco cried outraged.

"Yes, you did " Daphne Greengrass sighed exasperated massaging the bridge of her nose. "You said 'everyone knows' and then followed with 'even you' which can only be interpreted as even you, the clueless guy knows something everyone else does."

"I didn't mean that!"

Three quarters of the school grinned unrepentantly towards the fuming blond.

"I'm sure you're exaggerating…," Dumbledore tried but was cut off by Roger Davies.

"Professor the HIN is very thorough. There is nothing we don't know. And there is a clear pattern here."

"The what now?" Flitwick asked and was answered by Susan Bones

"Hogwarts Intelligence Network."

"There's a what now?" Sprout asked.

"She means the gossip network," Snape grunted, "I'm sure you had it in your time."

"We resent that, there was a lot of work done on the rebranding and reconstruction of protocols to make sure nothing gets through the cracks," the current Head Boy - not one of the Weasley twins, the Head Boy - cried affronted.

"I have to agree," Harry nodded.

"Well gossip can be exaggerated," Dumbledore started.

"Nooo. They're fairly accurate," Hermione said nodding slowly. "Here, let me show you. Justin, who was the Potter's secret keeper."

"Peter Pettigrew. He framed Black and then hid as first Percy's then Ron's pet rat. Fudge refused to hear evidence of Black's innocence because of Snape – even though everyone knows there is bad blood between Black and Snape - and ordered him kissed, despite Black never even having a trial and, therefore, being convicted, but Black managed to escape on an UFO."

Snape's lips twitched in anger as the other students nodded. Bagman gasped 'what?' and surprisingly Crouch did not react at all, just kept his blank face.

"What does 'e mean without a trial? Surely, that is a mistake, non," Madame Maxime muttered thinking maybe she should write to her Minister. The Blacks were filthy rich. If this was true and the French could offer asylum to Black on the basis of political prosecution, their economy would thank them immensely.

Deciding to plough on a detail to disqualify the remark Snape sneered, "Really. Little green men abducted him?"

Most purebloods did not understand the snide. Justin did but just looked bored at his bully of a teacher and calmly answered

"No, the HIN has not been able figure out what he flew out on. If broom, Threstal, carpet, Hippogriff, dragon, so it is indeed an Unidentified Flying Object. That your mind went straight to aliens quite frankly says more about you than us...sir. "

"Well, this has all been very entertaining," Bagman tried to bring the subject back to the Tournament. This was becoming a disaster. And in front of the foreigners too. "But Harry's name came out of the Goblet. So be a champ and join the others."

"Nope." Harry said simply crossing his arms and popping the p.

"You were chosen!"

"No, I really wasn't. Like I said the second I heard deadly tournament and Halloween we," he pointed at himself, Ron and Hermione, "Went to work. Ron worked out the strategy for me to have an airtight alibi, Hermione did the research and I enacted the chaos. Because you know, that's where our strengths lie... Oi! No need to agree so readily, " he snapped at the rest of the student body and some staff who were nodding as he said chaos. Now offended he continued. "Hermione found out that the name isn't what the Goblet binds. It's just to make it easier to figure out who the champion is. But the Goblet binds the magic of the hand that puts the paper in it. That's why some attempts to fly papers to the Goblet by younger students didn't work. There needs to be a magical hand for the Goblet to link the paper to."

Yes, Albus knew that was indeed true, which is why he thought the age line would be more than sufficient, but he couldn't really risk being wrong. There was too much at stake. For one the prophecy said Hary would have to be the one to face Tom, he needed his magic for that...and two, he was almost positively sure that Hary himself had been turned into a Horcrux and his magic was what was probably stopping a full possession. If the boy were to lose it to the Goblet Tom might take over. And resourceful as he was, the lack of magic would be temporary until he found his main piece and he would have a functional body to help create another for the wandering piece or find a way to use Harry's. Worse, a functional body with access to the Potter fortune. While Harry may not care for it, Albus still doesn't understand why the boy didn't buy himself some decent clothes once he had access to Gringotts again, Tom would have no compunctions. No, that could not happen. The boy would just have to compete to be on the safe side. He was about to say this when Ludo anticipated him with less tact.

"Well, your name is on the paper! And how would we know who put the effing thing in the Goblet?" Bagman lost his patience as Hermione calmly walked to the Headmaster with a lit wand and warmed the paper as the Headmaster jumped, dropping the now hot paper, lost in his horrible thoughts of a Harry/Tom amalgamation swimming in galleons like that muggle duck cartoon.

"Ms. Granger!" he cried as she bent down to be able to read the paper that had fallen to the ground.

"Aw shucks. No one won the bet. DADA!" She cried to the crowd of students and a lot of them grumbled disappointed. He heard someone mumble, "Was a long shot."

"What?" Dumbledore asked as he looked at the paper and saw the word DADA written over Harry's name.

"What magic is this?"

"Elementary school science," Hermione huffed and Harry and many other muggleborns snorted as he answered.

"I've tagged all my essays with invisible ink over my name, to be able to know where that came from. We didn't allow for the DADA teacher to be on the betting pool though. Everyone wanted him. Everyone can't bet on the same one! We already had this discussion," he glared at the other students as some began to grumble. He stared them down until someone yelled.

"It's always the DADA teacher!"

Moody huffed, "Of course not, someone stole that from you."

"Right," Harry said in a condescending tone. "And that I can set my watch to your swigs on that flask is just a big coincidence," he finished flailing his hands.

Moody narrowed his eyes at the brat and went for his wand but before he could reach it Ron stunned him from behind.

"Constant Vigilance," he smirked as the man dropped on the floor. No one had noticed him slowly getting ready as the others made sure to draw attention to themselves. After all that was the plan.

"I'd stun Crouch too," he told Dumbledore. "They share a name."

"What? Where, Oh, no" the very same man cried as he regained his bearings freed of the Imperious when his son lost consciousness.

Pandemonium broke loose while Harry, Ron and Hermione congratulated themselves for a job well done during the confusion of the adults trying to reign in Snape who wanted Ron expelled for attacking a teacher. That statement being shot down by McGonagall as said teacher started turning into a dead man and the front doors opening with a bang as the Head Auror Rufus Scrimgeour, the Head of the DMLE Amelia Bones, and an assortment of aurors entered to find that dead man, arrest him, arrest Crouch and be questioned by Madam Maxime about Magical Britain's habit of sending people to Azkaban without trials, all while Dumbledore and Bagman tried to regain control of the tournament. The poor Champions remained unaware of the commotion, waiting for someone to show up for hours before a grumpy Bagman entered the room, snapped the instructions for the first task and banged the door on the way out. They would find out Susan had passed on a message from Harry to her aunt earlier that day to come to the feast and be surprised along with a very detailed explanation of the the rest of the excitement of the night as they joined their colleagues in their respective dorms. As said, the HIN is very thorough and of course the foreign guests were included in the newsletters.

What followed was quite a pleasant and calm year for Harry and a nice Christmas he celebrated with his newly pardoned godfather.

Poor Voldy on the other hand eventually lost the little body he had gained when neither of his servants returned to feed him. Jr being arrested at Hogwarts and Pettigrew at the Crouch residence. With no more loyal followers willing to risk their cushy lives for him around, he roamed around for quite some decades until one by one his trinkets were, quite accidentally, disposed of (Harry being the last one of old age), and he was finally able to move on to a more unpleasant place.

But that was the future, and as he watched the chaos unravel in the Great Hall Harry, decided he quite liked being proactive and vouched to become more paranoid than Mad Eye Moody (authentic and fraud) in being always prepared.


I've been reading a lot of GoF fics lately and this little ridiculous repartee came to mind when remembering Dumbledore's quote from PS:

"What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows..."