Lightly inspired by the song heartbeat by Childish Gambino. While it isn't necessary, I do recommend listening to the song before reading. I just find the song helps with the 'pacing' - all these thoughts aren't slow and well thought out... they're rushed, urgent. That kind of thing.
* Not a happy Caskett ending, but plenty of emotion*
This chapter - much like the song that inspired it - will be rated M.
Kinda AU, I guess. Tried to stay close to the characters we know and love but I don't really see canon Caskett ever being in this situation.
This chapter will jump from scene to scene... there's also *flashbacks*. I will try to make it all as clear as possible, obviously. But if there is any confusion, please let me know so that I can fix it up and repost if necessary!
I'll also add a trigger warning, just to be safe. A general mental health one - nothing explicit but there will be mention of self destructive behaviours, unhealthy coping mechanisms, a little self-hatred. There's nothing that I'd expect to be overly triggering but better safe than sorry.
Thanks so much.
Enjoy : )
Olivia wasn't his type. In fact, she was almost exactly the opposite of who he truly wanted. But that wasn't important - they both knew this wasn't love... this was merely a convenience, for the both of them. She had been tied down - married too young to a man who wasn't the Prince Charming she had thought he was - you know how these things go. All she needed right now was someone who would wine and dine her, satisfy her, and not try too hard to insert himself into her life. And all he needed was to get over Kate Beckett. And sometimes, when they were together, he truly believed that he was doing just that. But not tonight.
7pm, the first text came through. He was sitting at the table - breaking his own cardinal rule of no phones at the dinner table - trying his hardest to enjoy the overcooked meal Olivia had prepared for their 'two month anniversary'. He was opposed to this whole... celebration. Scared he had lead her into believing this - they - were something more than what he could actually offer. But she assured him that she just wanted an excuse to cook a fancy meal and drink expensive champagne... so he reluctantly agreed. And, of course, tonight would be the night that she reached out... after months of no contact - not since the last time.
A simple 'hey' was all she had sent. But that was more than enough to undo the past two months of his so called moving on.
"Is that Alexis?" Olivia asked, innocently, noting his change in demeanour. "Is she okay?"
"She's fine." he lied, not even knowing why. An old friend saying 'hi' was all he had to say. It's not like she was an ex... no, they had never made it that far. He had nothing to hide - nothing more than one drunken night. And yet, he wanted to keep Kate a secret from her.
She smiled, sweetly, and continued on with her meal. He looked down at his plate - barely touched - and tried to fake enthusiasm for the spread in front of him.
They had barely made it through dinner, when his phone lit up again. Same name, same number.
I miss you.
He flipped his phone over, so it was face down on the table - but he knew she had seen it. Her body stiffened as she began to clear the plates - his, still half untouched. When her back was turned, he cleared the notifications from his screen and placed his phone into his pocket - not that he was expecting a third text tonight... but better safe than sorry.
"We never agreed to be... exclusive, you know." she stated, as she walked back to the table, sitting down beside him again. "You don't have to lie to me."
"I know... its not like that, though. She's just an old friend. I haven't heard from her in a while... I guess it just surprised me." he explained, pleasantly surprised by Olivia's nonchalance. He had known her to be quite a jealous person, at times.
She chuckled, "An old friend texting you - at this time of night - that she misses you... it's exactly like that." she placed her hand on his thigh, squeezing it gently.
He wanted to hide the hope that her words had ignited within him, but the flicker in her eyes - the jealousy she had been trying to tame - told him otherwise.
"Kate Beckett... right? That's who your friends were talking about... the girl that was missing." she started rubbing her hand up and down his thigh, massaging it with just the right amount of pressure.
He had almost forgotten the night Ryan and Espo had almost knocked down his door, looking for her - having been concerned about the increasingly reckless decisions she had been making over the several weeks Castle had been gone. It was one of the first nights Olivia stayed over...
"She wasn't missing. She just... uh... she made a few bad choices - they were just worried about her."
"And you're not?" her hand was inching closer and closer to his crotch. When he looked into her eyes, they were dark with lust - he knew exactly what she was doing. She wasn't in love with him - but she despised the idea of another woman occupying his thoughts. She was going to prove that he didn't need Kate anymore... fuelled by that little green monster - she was going to make him forget her.
"She's not my problem anymore." oh how he wished that was true. But in all honesty, he worried about her now more than he ever did before. If she was spiralling enough to warrant Ryan and Espo showing up to his place in the middle of the night, she was obviously not okay - and it was his fault.
But when Olivia so hungrily sought out his lips, he forced himself to push away any thoughts of Kate Beckett. Olivia knew what her part in this arrangement was - and she did it well. Even if he couldn't forget... she certainly provided a gratifying distraction.
She was four shots in... floating on air and embracing the haziness of her mind. She had messaged him hours ago, only to be ignored.
The basslines echoed through her and the beat pounded heavy in her chest as she downed another shot. She didn't even like clubbing... Lanie had talked her into going out for a girl's night. But when Lanie was ready to wrap up the night just after midnight - just like their usual girl's night routine - she couldn't stand the thought of going home alone. Not when she knew he had someone to keep him warm tonight. So, tonight she stayed out - she would find someone to go home with... someone to help her forget that she was alone.
Letting herself drift away, caught up in the music, she almost didn't feel the hands on her - holding her waist as she swayed.
"Can I buy you a drink?" the stranger asked. She smiled, flirtatiously, as he moved to her side and leaned against the bar. He signalled to the bartender for two drinks. "What's your name?"
Her eyes roamed his body - head, to toe, and back up again. She was met with a smug smile, as he watched her taking him in. "Kate." she replied after a few seconds.
"Kate." he echoed. "I'm Alex." he passed her one of the drinks that the bartender placed in front of him, and she accepted it gratefully.
"I didn't ask." she teased, placing the straw to her mouth and sipping from the fruity drink - not something she would usually drink... but if Alex wanted a delicate little flower that drank fruity cocktails, then that is exactly what she would be.
"That is true." he laughed. "How pretentious of me to assume."
She could appreciate a little self-deprecation. This will do.
She placed her free hand on his shoulder. "I'll try not to hold it against you." she joked, slowly moving her hand to play with the collar of his shirt. She could see the desire in his eyes already - she wasn't going to have to work hard for this.
"Let's dance." he finished his drink in one gulp, then grabbed her hands and started to pull her toward the dancefloor.
"Let me finish my drink, first!" she feigned a playfulness that she hadn't truthfully felt in many months - and she had to hold back the slight prickle of tears forming behind her eyes. Alex let go of her hands, shuffling himself backward, moving to the beat of the song playing.
"Come find me!" he had to call out now that there was some distance between them. She nodded before turning back to work on the drink he had bought for her. It was too sweet - not what she wanted right now - so she only managed a few more sips.
She pulled her phone from her clutch, staring at the illuminated screen - three texts, but none from him. Not that she was expecting him to reply. But... she had allowed herself to hope. What a waste of time that was.
I want you.
A last ditch attempt to gain his attention. It wasn't a lie - she wanted him more than ever now that she didn't have him. Not that she ever had him. Not truly.
But she could have. He was ready - she wasn't.
And now, as the alcohol burned through her veins, she would give anything to go back to that day and do things differently. But there was no guarantee she would feel the same way in the morning, once she was too sober to ignore all her inhibitions.
After deciding she had stared at the blank screen for far too long, she tucked her phone back into her clutch purse and made her way out to the dancefloor to find Alex. In the middle of the crowded dancefloor, she felt someone grab her - and it took everything she had in her to ignore the fight or flight instincts.
"I was starting to think you were bailing on me." he said, unable to hide the excitement in his voice.
Calming, once she knew who had wrapped their arms around her, she plastered a smile on her face. "Never."
He pulled on her, moving her further into the crowd, not once removing his hands from her body. Their bodies moved in synchrony to the dub beat, provoking her in every way. She pushed away all logical thought - allowing the beat and the atmosphere to tell her how to feel. The darkness, the adrenaline, the body heat radiating from the strangers surrounding her... it was easy to pretend she was someone else... anyone else. She was ready to dissociate completely, when the soft vibrations rippled through her clutch and into her fingertips, bringing her back to reality. She pulled her phone out, reading the message that lit up the screen.
That's not fair.
She smiled. Of course it's not fair - no part of this was fair. But he had replied... meaning she wasn't there. And he was open to talking.
"Do you wanna get out of here?" his voice broke through the chaos of the dancefloor. The bodies were pushing into her, coming from every direction, and she suddenly felt claustrophobic.
"I'm sorry." she managed to get out, before rushing away. She had to get out - out of the crowd, out of the club. She had to get to him.
It was almost 2am - Olivia had gone home hours ago. Deep down, he knew who was knocking on his door - but he didn't want to set himself up for disappointment. Walking through the dimly lit loft, he tried to think of any other person it could be - but he was coming up blank. He didn't even bother to look through the peephole - he just opened the door, wide, feigning annoyance rather than showing his curiosity.
She smiled when she saw him. She couldn't help it. It had been months - and she had honestly convinced herself she would probably never see him again. He, on the other hand, did not smile. He was not happy. He thought he would be - her showing up on his doorstep after all this time. But instead, he just felt the hurt all over again.
"It was a mistake, Castle. A drunken mistake... it didn't mean anything." she argued, needing him to leave her apartment before she completely spiralled - the confidence she had seemingly gained last night was nowhere to be found this morning.
"A mistake?" his voice was low... sad.
"Yes." she said with unwavering determination.
Why was she here? He didn't invite her. He had every intention of telling her to go home, but when she stepped over the threshold and pushed her body against his, all logic went out the window. She cupped his face in her hands, kissing him fervently.
He could taste the sweet aftertaste of alcohol on her tongue, and the feeling of hopelessness settled deep in his stomach. She wasn't here because she had changed her mind... she wasn't here because she had realised she loved him as much as he loved her.
"You're drunk." he claimed, regretfully pulling away from her. "Here to make another mistake?" he turned, retreating to the living area.
"It was only a mistake because we had everything to lose." she justified. "I have nothing left to lose now."
"Could have been that we had everything to gain." he countered, growing fed up with her excuses.
Closing the front door behind her, she followed him further into his loft. "You're mad at me for breaking a promise that I never made."
He wanted to be mad at her - he really did. But as she closed the distance between them, all he could think about was how right it felt to be standing near her again. Even if they were fighting... at least they were in the same room... at least they were talking. Or not talking... just them, together.
She placed her hands on his chest, leaning in slowly and placing a soft kiss on his lips. He hadn't pulled away - but he did not kiss her back. It had taken all his self control not to, but he didn't want to just give in to her. As much as he wanted her, he knew this moment wouldn't last forever... and as soon as it was over, she would be gone again. Because she couldn't do it... she couldn't commit - even though he knew she felt for him... cared for him. Some days, she may have even loved him. But she would never allow herself to do so, freely.
She pulled back, mere inches. "This is all I can give you, Rick. I'm sorry." something tainted her voice... something familiar. Was it sorrow? Regret? He wasn't quite sure. She kissed him again, more intently - desperate to prove to him that this could be enough, if they let it be. It had to be enough - because without this, they had nothing. He had made that clear when he stopped coming into the precinct. If he didn't have her, he didn't want the rest of it.
He threw caution to the wind, allowing himself to get caught up in the moment - caught up in her - because he knew that, despite his better judgement, despite knowing exactly how this was going to end, despite the heartache he already felt - that he knew was only a fraction of the heartache she was willing and able to inflict - she had his heart... all of it. He was hers, unconditionally, whether he liked it or not. He would, begrudgingly, do this on her terms - because his detox obviously hadn't worked. So, decidedly, whatever little bit of herself she would offer him was better than nothing at all. Like a spell had been cast over him, compelling him, he enveloped her waist in his arms and zealously deepened their embrace.
She pulled on his shirt and took a small step backward, encouraging him to move with her. She had spent enough time in this loft in the past to be able to navigate it skilfully. By the time they reached Castle's bedroom, she had kicked off her heels and was well on her way to having his shirt off. He raised his arms, ruefully removing his roaming hands from her body and peeling his lips from hers so that she could lift the fabric over his head. The second he was free of his shirt, his mouth was back on hers eloquently pushing her for more. His hands framed her face, holding her as his tongue traced her bottom lip. She parted her lips, granting him access, and purposefully moaned when his tongue explored her mouth.
Her moans provoked the primal instinct within him. Every nerve ending in his body seemed electric - that sensation you feel right before a static shock. He smoothed his hands over her hips, grabbing her ass and pulling her into him. With a slight grind of her hips, she could feel that he was ready for her. His hands moved up, reaching for the zip that sat in between her shoulder blades. It slid a few inches, before getting snagged on the fabric of her dress. She groaned impatiently and he turned her around so that he could give the obstacle his full attention - not wanting to waste any time.
She wasn't prepared for the sight in front of her... his bed - both sides unmade - a reminder that he wasn't fully hers. And that was her doing... but it didn't make the reality hurt any less. She couldn't do this - not here... not where he had already had someone else tonight. She finally felt the zip push past the obstruction, his knuckles grazing down her spine as he slid the zip down. Moving her hair to one side, he began kissing her neck, sucking ever so gently as to not leave any lasting trace.
"Shower." she ordered, low and breathy, turning back to face him and stepping out of her dress. He looked her up and down, taking in the sight before him. He loved every inch of her, genuinely. He could just look at her for hours, appreciating every detail - in his eyes, she was perfect. And the matching set of lacey undergarments accented her figure in the best way.
She couldn't stand his eyes on her any longer - not with the adoration that filled them. It made her sick - she didn't deserve that. If only he knew what a mess she was. She had tried to tell him, many times, but he was blinded to all her flaws. Or, at least, he acted like he was. Because if he could see her for what she truly was, he wouldn't be looking at her the way he was right now. He wouldn't have let her through the door at 2 o'clock in the morning, intoxicated. She considered leaving him alone... she really did. But she needed him. Not that she would ever admit that. She closed the short distance between them, tracing his bottom lip with her thumb before leaning in to whisper in his ear. "What are you waiting for?"
He obediently acted - grabbing the back of her thighs and lifting her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, settling down against his body. She could feel his arousal, pushing against her, and tension began to coil within her in anticipation. He walked them to his en suite, kissing her, desperate for her touch.
He placed her down on the edge of the vanity, knocking the tumbler that held a single toothbrush and tube of toothpaste. When he moved away to start the shower, she took a second to take in her surroundings - no signs of a third party in here. Perfect she thought. In here, he could be hers. Just hers.
The steam that slowly filled the room made her refocus her attention - she hadn't even noticed his eyes studying her as she scoped the room. She could feel the heat rise in her cheeks, feeling as though she had been caught out. She could see he wanted to say something - but she wouldn't give him the chance. She slipped off the edge of the bench she was perched on. Smiling, she maintained eye contact while she reached to unclasp her bra. He, however, did not. His eyes drifted as he watched her, a hunger growing deep in his core. His breath hitched as she dropped the laced garment on the floor. This was the part she loved - watching his eyes grow darker as she exposed more of herself to him. She put on a show, wriggling her hips as she slipped her thumbs under the waistband of her panties and slid them down her thighs. Once they were at her knees, the fabric was loose enough to just drop to the floor.
He licked his lips, taking in the view. She smiled, surprised by how long he had managed to stay quiet... if she had known this was what it took to shut him up...
She pinched her bottom lip between her teeth, moving toward him and dragging her index finger down his chest and abdomen, slowly. She tucked it under the waistband of his boxers, flicking it playfully and looking up at him through her thick, mascara-enhanced lashes. She didn't even have to verbalise her commands for him to follow them - dropping his pants to his ankles. It was a sick power-rush, watching him hastily undress, eager to please her.
She walked to the open shower, holding her hand under the water to test the temperature. It was hot, but not too hot. She stepped in, directly under the water, relishing in the warmth as it soaked her hair. She turned back to see him standing by the shower door, still just taking her in. Her eyes wandered, taking him in too.
She took his hand, pulling him in under the cascading water. He closed his eyes and hung his head back, allowing the water to flow over him entirely for a moment before turning his attention back to her. The heat and water had already smudged her makeup - small dark rings under her eyes making the green of her irises even more prominent.
Their mouths found each other, moving eagerly against one another. He pushed against her, leaning her against the cool tiled wall. She gasped into his open mouth and arched her back away from the cold surprise - pushing further into him. She could feel him pressing impatiently into her hip.
"Sorry." He chuckled, lips still pressed against hers.
"Yeah... you seem it." She replied, sarcastically, nibbling down on his bottom lip.
His response was immediate - sliding his hands down her sides, applying just the right amount of pressure to set her nerves alight. His fingertips traced her thigh and he moved his lips across her jaw and down to her neck, kissing through the hot water that ran down her body. He continued down to her chest and she inhaled sharply when he took one of her nipples in his mouth, sucking and flicking his tongue across it. She could feel his smile - he enjoyed the way her body reacted to him. She relaxed back against the wall that had warmed from her radiating body heat, enjoying warmth and stimulation that were subtly enhanced by her current state of intoxication. She idly played with his sopping hair as the water beat down on them both.
She couldn't stop the whimper that escaped her when he removed his mouth from her breast. He laughed, all too pleased with himself, before replacing it with his hand - cupping and massaging the breast while his tongue moved across to pay attention to her other hardened nipple.
When he released her from his mouth, he dipped down and hooked his arm under her leg, holding the back of her knee in the crook of his elbow. As he rose to stand again, she wrapped the supported leg around his waist. He used his free hand to caress her inner thigh, inching closer to her core - teasing and stirring the ever-tightening coil that trembled deep in her - watching closely as she closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing and enjoying the pleasure his touch was bringing her.
The pleasant hum escaped her lips, as he stroked his thumb across her slit - hitting the sensitised bundle of nerves - sparked within him, adding fuel to the fire that was already raging through him. He continued to rub his thumb across her clit, circling and teasing it mercilessly. The heavy rise and fall of her chest told him he was on the right track. He planted soft kisses on her collarbone - but when she dug her nails into his back and pulled him firmly against her, he knew she was in no mood for delicate.
His kisses grew heavy... needy. Each suck and nibble of tender flesh incited a new, involuntary reaction from her. Scratching at his back, biting into the flesh of his shoulder - she obviously wasn't as concerned about leaving her mark on him, as he was on her. But the sweet little cries and moans that escaped her as he pushed two fingers inside of her shook the last trace of restraint from him.
With his fingers and thumb working in perfect unison, she was already so close to the edge. He could feel her walls tightening around his fingers as they danced inside her. A desperate, filthy noise broke free from his throat as he gyrated against her, longing for the gratification he knew was coming. He replaced the motions of his thumb with the firm pressure of the base of his palm, as he masterfully worked his fingers in a come hither motion, hitting exactly the right spot.
This was it - she could feel the tension building from within, her heart was racing and she had to work for each short breath. Her body shuddered as she thrusted her hips against his palm. She whimpered, a desperate plea for more, as she grew closer to orgasm. He pulled his weight from her, withdrawing his fingers - creating a completely unwanted distance between them - and her body slumped with disappointment, immediately.
"Castle," she rasped, still panting... her body practically vibrating from expectation. Her eyes pleaded for more as she reached down and stroked his phallus. Still supporting the leg she had wrapped around him, he moved his free hand up to her face. He hesitated by her lips, not sure how she would feel about tasting herself on him - but when she seductively wrapped her lips around his two fingers, he let out a low, rough grunt. She was so hot, so aroused... and he was so ready.
He removed his fingers from her mouth, capturing her lips in his and kissing her passionately. Now that his body was pressed against hers again, she lined him up with her entrance and he thrusted into her without hesitation.
"Fuck." He growled, feeling her warmth around him. He could feel her smile and a needy moan vibrated against his lips. He pulled himself from her before pushing his way back in. The force pushed her hard against the tiled wall and a short, high-pitched gasp encouraged him to repeat this action - again and again. She rolled her hips, matching his rhythm. Each thrust bringing them both closer to release.
He hooked his arm under her leg, lifting it to mirror the other. His body - heavy against hers - and the wall behind her kept them upright as he plunged inside of her, deep and unrestrained, until he could feel her muscles convulsing around him.
She squeezed her thighs tightly around his waist as her body began to shudder uncontrollably, pressure coiling intensely in her core.
"Come on, Kate." His voice was hoarse, barely louder than his jagged breathing. "Let go for me."
She arched her back, letting out a completely pleasurable cry as she let go - the powerful release surging through her body like electricity.
Her body, tightening and trembling in his arms intoxicated his senses and sent him over the edge, unconsciously spilling himself deep within her.
They stayed exactly how they were for several minutes, breathing one another in... basking in the afterglow. Once she was confident her legs could support her again, she lowered herself from him.
He got out of the shower and grabbed two towels from the small cupboard in the vanity, he wrapped one around his waist and held the other out for her. She shut off the water, grabbing the towel and wrapping it around herself.
She looked at herself in the fogged up mirror. He wiped his hand across it, clearing a section for her to better view herself. She took in her drenched hair, smudged remnants of her eye make up, and the few small marks on her neck from their ill-advised tryst. He stood behind her and their eyes locked through the safety barrier of their reflections.
"Stay?" He asked, hushed... pleading... hesitantly hopeful.
She sighed. She was tired... so tired. And the thought of spending the night wrapped in his arms really was tempting.
"That's not a good idea." She swallowed her desires, as usual. She had to keep some sort of boundary.
"Right." He shut out all emotion. He knew she wasn't going to stay - he wasn't even sure why he had asked her to - he had prepared himself for this. At least, he thought he had. "Feel free to show yourself out." He said, before retreating into his bedroom.
She stared at her reflection again, trying desperately to push the self-loathing thoughts away. She was selfish - putting him through this - but she couldn't live without him... she didn't want to live without him. She wished she could just dive into this with him, like he had asked her to all those months ago. But she was too damaged, she would only disappoint him.
She dried her hair - trying to smooth it as much as possible - and wiped the last remaining smudges from her eyes, trying to make herself look somewhat presentable for the walk outside. God knows how far she would have to go before she would be able to hail a cab. She walked silently into his bedroom, collecting her dress from the floor and slipping back into it. He wouldn't even acknowledge her presence, as he retrieved clean boxers from his drawers.
She didn't even say goodbye. Why bother? She grabbed her heels on her way out, not bothering to put them on until she reached the elevator.
Never again... she told herself as she rode to the ground floor. You can't do this to him.
Chapter 1 of 3 - I was going to hold off posting until I finished all 3, but figured I'd get some feedback to see if it was even worth continuing.
Please let me know!
Thanks.
