Trigger Warning: canon-typical violence - reliving of Sealview & William Lewis
Prompt #35: The story of Elliot and Olivia
The Story of Liv and El
~oOo~
2031
Mandatory retirement.
Elliot already faced the unfair requirement two years prior, but knows his wife is having a difficult time.
Her unit has a party for her tonight. She looks beautiful as always. 63 looks as good on her as 40 had. She keeps her hair colored — no signs of gray peeking through her thick mane. Her skin is glowing as it always has. A few wrinkles indicate the passage of time, but also tell the story of a life well lived. A life full of sacrifice for others.
Speeches are given. Fin, who spent the last month at his fishing house in Mexico, came to celebrate his former captain, having faced this date himself six years prior. His speech is layered with sentiment and humor and after he is done, there is not a dry eye among them. Nick, Amanda, Sonny, and even Barba speak thoughts on their fearless leader.
Elliot had picked Don up that morning to make sure he got there safely. He is in good shape for 83, but Olivia wasn't comfortable with him taking the train alone. Ilene passed away suddenly last year and since then, Olivia and Elliot have fulfilled their roles as surrogate children very well.
John Munch has faced a lot of health challenges over the last year and couldn't make it. He'd face-timed with Olivia that afternoon, as he did every week.
"Olivia Benson," John sighed her name, "I'm taking your retirement harder than I did my own. How'd we get here, kid?"
"I don't know, John. I don't feel 63. Sometimes, I walk into my office and I feel like I'm walking into Cragen's door instead of my own. Even now, after all these years," she told him, swallowing the lump that formed in her throat.
"I'm so proud of you, Liv. If my white suit wasn't at the cleaners, I'd be there," he told her with a sad smile. They both knew that his oxygen requirements make any sort of travel hard for him.
"Thank you, John. Elliot and I are going to bring you lunch next week. Just let me know what you want," she explained, wiping the corner of her eye before he could notice the moisture gathering there.
"Can't wait. I love you, Liv." Out of everyone she knows, John is the only one who ends every phone call this way and it always strikes her as out of character.
"Love you too, John. See you soon." She ended the phone call, feeling sad, but shook it off when she heard a gentle knock on the bedroom door.
Noah entered. "Hey, Mom, were you wanting me to wear the suit I wore to grandma's funeral? Or like khakis or something?"
"The suit is fine, sweet boy," she answered him with the term of endearment she's used his entire life, even though now he's hardly a boy. He's 17 and a senior in high school.
Noah gives a beautiful speech about his mother. How she'd adopted him after finding him in a drawer and had raised him as a single mom for a decade. Eli gave an equally touching speech about how she'd saved his life at birth and countless times after.
Elliot closes out the night with remarks on his amazing wife. He speaks of their partnership and the love she has for each and every victim she's ever interacted with while at SVU.
After the party, the couple go by the 16th to pick up the last couple of boxes. Tears fall down her cheeks as she turns the lights out in her office for the last time, closing a chapter she never thought would end.
They arrive home, exhausted from the long day. Crawling into bed, Elliot assumes they'll both crash, but only Olivia manages this feat. He holds her to his chest as his mind floats back through the years with her by his side and the ones without her.
He's never loved another soul the way he does Olivia. And he never will.
~oOo~
1998
It wasn't like he'd never had a female partner before. He'd even been partnered with a beautiful female partner before. Jo Marlowe had been easy on the eyes and, historically, was more his type. There was something about his new partner though that was different than Jo. There was something deeper and warmer that made her outward beauty that much more apparent.
Yes, Olivia Benson is a different breed of woman. A different breed of cop, of human being, really.
They'd been paired together for about a month before they start getting to know one another on a more personal level. Handing him a cup of coffee one morning, Olivia comments on the picture adorning his desk.
"This your family?" she asks with a smile on her face.
"Yeah," Elliot answers, picking up the framed photo and pointing to each of his children, beaming with fatherly pride, "this is Maureen, my oldest, she's almost 15. This is Kathleen, my firecracker, she just turned 10. Then there are the twins, Elizabeth, and my only son, Dickie. They're 5. This is my wife, Kathy. She's a literal saint for handling the kids while I'm here."
"Wow, Elliot, your family is beautiful. I bet you love going home to a house full of kids. So much laughter and life," she says with a hint of longing in her voice.
"Yeah, for the most part. I don't know what it would be like to have a quiet house. I've never had one in my entire life. I come from a long line of dutiful Catholics if you catch the drift. It might be kind of nice to experience some time alone," he says with a chuckle, stirring a sweetener into his cup.
Olivia swallows her mouthful of coffee before shaking her head. "Hmm, yeah, that's not all it's cracked up to be, Elliot. I promise. Be happy with the family you've been given."
She walks back to her desk without another word. Elliot wonders if he's somehow offended her. He didn't mean to. He makes mental note to ask her when they have a little privacy.
"Stabler, Benson," Cragen calls, "we got a 19-year-old vic at Mercy. She was raped last night on the subway platform getting off the A train in Hell's Kitchen. Currently in the ER."
"On it, Cap." They both stand to leave.
Once in the Sedan, Elliot seizes the moment to apologize. "Hey, uh, if I offended you back there, I didn't mean to."
She looks confused. "I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"Oh, you just seemed a little off when I mentioned not knowing what it would feel like to be alone. I just, I didn't mean anything by it, if it upset you," he stumbles over his words, now unsure if he should've brought it up again.
"Oh, no, you didn't do anything wrong. I was just thinking about what it would be like to have a family like that. I used to fantasize about having a house full of siblings, a dad. Ya know, I just never had that—it was always just me and my mom," she tells him, honestly, flashing a sincere, but sad smile.
He knows she's being truthful when she says she's not offended, but her honesty struck him in the gut. He decides never to complain about his blessings in front of her again.
"Just the two of you, huh? You're pretty close?" he asks, hoping the answer is "yes". He can't stand the idea that this amazing woman is completely alone in the world.
"We're okay at the moment. She drinks a lot, always has, so it's hard to say with her. Some days, she blames me for all of her problems. Some days, she tells me that she never deserved me. Depends on the wind, I guess. I love her, but closeness isn't really an achievable thing for us," she answers, truthfully.
"I'm sorry, Olivia. That's hard. Has she ever gotten help with her drinking?" he asks.
"No, not really," she pauses for a moment before asking him, "Elliot, can I tell you something?"
"Of course, anything," he tells her, concern in his tone.
"Do you promise not to look at me differently after?" She sounds so meek—barely like the strong woman he's come to the good fortune of knowing over the past month.
"I promise." He feels confident that she's not going to tell him anything that will make him break that promise.
"Well, the captain knows this already, but if we could keep the guys out of it for a while, I'd be grateful." Olivia is stalling.
"Of course. Anything you tell me in confidence will stay that way until you tell me otherwise." He's a firm believer that a man's word is his bond and he has no plans of betraying her trust.
"Elliot, the reason I decided to try SVU out is because my mother was raped. I'm the product of that rape." She looks at him as if she's trying to figure out if he's changed his mind—if he now looks at her like a monster. Maybe he sees the exact monster she often thinks is lurking inside of her?
"Olivia, I'm so sorry that happened to your mom. But, I don't get why you think I'd look at you any differently because of it. If anything, I think even more of you for being able to face all of this every day. If I'm being honest, I'm kinda proud you're my partner," he answers her with an urgent need for her to understand his genuineness.
"Really?" she asks earnestly.
"Really, Liv." It's the first time he shortens her name. It had simply rolled off his tongue, like he'd always said it.
"Thank you. That…that means a lot to me…El," she gives him a knowing grin.
Liv and El.
He likes the sound of that.
~oOo~
1999
They have been partners for a year and a half. Elliot finds himself becoming more attached to Olivia. And more protective.
Kathy notices the protective nature of her husband on high display when it comes to Olivia and questions him.
He shrugs it off. "Kath, she's my partner. She's not been a cop as long as me and it's literally my job to be protective."
The blonde rolls her eyes and gives a sarcastic, "Uh-huh, sure. So, it's got nothing to do with those doe eyes and long legs? I didn't see you freaking out every time John got in a bad situation."
He was starting to get frustrated, there was no reason for Kathy to question his loyalty or to think poorly of Olivia. Because she was pretty? That seemed shallow for Kathy. She'd never been jealous of Jo Marlowe. Of course, Elliot never had the same attachment to Jo. And, if he's completely honest, she didn't really even hold a candle to Liv.
"Kathy, hang it up. There is not a single thing to worry about. Olivia is a good egg. She thinks the world of you and the kids. Please don't act like there is something there that isn't. She's a good friend and an excellent partner. That's all," he comforts his wife, wrapping her in his arms.
"I know she is, Elliot. I'm sorry. I know how you are with me and the kids. Protectiveness is in your blood, I guess I just felt like you reserved that for us." She sounds sad and it pulls at his heartstrings.
"Kathy, I will always put you and our kids first. Til death do us part. You hear me?" He kisses her forehead reassuringly. And she nods her reply.
Not long after this conversation, Elliot finds himself getting up an hour early, disentangling himself from his sleeping wife, and making his way to get the Sedan to pick up his partner for work before she can make the trip alone. He was up all night worried. Olivia has a stalker, Richard White, who has raped twice and murdered at least once. Elliot won't be letting Olivia be his next victim. He knows Kathy will be pissed at him for sneaking out so early to help Olivia. And he knows that Olivia will be pissed at him for the exact same reason. He doesn't care, he needs to make sure she's okay.
He arrives at Olivia's apartment and knocks. She's surprised to see him and gives him a ribbing about giving her a lift to work.
"In the neighborhood"? she questions, throwing his own words back at him.
"I was." He was, just very much on purpose. If she implied he meant by happenstance, that's on her.
"You have a Sedan with you?" she continues her interrogation.
"Yep," he answers, taking a swig from the orange juice she's poured for herself.
"Which means that you drove all the way uptown from the Queensboro Bridge, dropped off the car, picked up the Sedan, turned around, all the way back downtown to get here. That's a lot of neighborhood, my friend," she tells him, putting her jacket on.
He can't believe how cute he thinks she is in this moment. He's seen her tell a man she'd put his balls in a blender and never even flinch. She is certainly a badass, but right now, he finds her adorable. He'd never in a million years tell her so, he'd like to keep his own balls intact, but he can't help but file this moment away in the "memories of Liv" portion of his brain.
The Richard White case proves to be pivotal in their friendship. She knows now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he'll be there for her, no matter the inconvenience. She's not used to that—she's never really been around a man like Elliot. He's just so devoted to everything he cares about—his family, his religion, the job, and to her. She's had romantic relationships, even been in love with men who were less devoted to her than Elliot has proven himself to be. She can't really place the feelings she has for him—it's love, but she's never felt this type of love before. It's not the type of love you have for a brother, but not a lover either. She desperately wants her feelings toward him to be in the sibling realm. Sibling love would be so much easier to handle than whatever this is.
It's confusing, but the thing she knows with all certainty is that she immensely respects him and his marriage. She would never do anything that would jeopardize his family. She'll just have to be happy with the marriage she has with hi— as he put it, partners, for better or worse.
~oOo~
2000
Elliot attends Serena's funeral. He stands toward the back at the burial and regrets doing so when he notices that Olivia is completely alone. No close friends of the deceased even give their condolences. It's almost like the people in Serena's life didn't even know she had a daughter. The thought breaks Elliot's heart. He's so proud of his kids—even when they screw up, he still has this deep pride that flows through him when he thinks of them. How could someone have a daughter as kind, smart, beautiful, and successful as Olivia Benson and not be shouting it from the rooftops?
He gets it—the way she was conceived was horrific, but Serena chose to keep her daughter. Why, if not to love her? Olivia, obviously, loved Serena. She's dedicated her life to righting a wrong that she in no way committed, in her mother's honor.
As the coffin is lowered into the ground, Elliot watches his best friend, standing in the cold with no arm around her, tears streaming down her cheeks. He thinks, fuck it, to himself, before politely excusing himself to the front of the small crowd. He doesn't want to embarrass her by pulling her into his arms, but he wants her to know she's not alone. He loops his arm through hers, her hand is still in her coat pocket. To his surprise, she pulls it out and takes his hand before leaning into him. He can feel her trembling lightly against him. He's hit by another wave of sadness for this woman, who suddenly feels so small, at his side.
As the director says a few final words, the crowd vacates the cemetery, Olivia stands deathly quiet at Elliot's side. He knows that she can see there is one older woman left from the group of mourners and it's as if she's purposely waiting for the lady to leave before she moves. Like if she stays quiet and still the woman won't realize she's still there and won't bother her. In reality, the opposite happens.
The woman approaches. "Livvie, sweetie?" the woman speaks out and Olivia sharply turns to face the woman. Elliot can see the fire in Olivia's eyes—it's a look he knows well and he's almost scared for the woman.
"Barbara." Olivia just says the woman's name. Nothing else.
"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry for your loss. You know, Serena, she was my best friend, so…" the woman starts, but Olivia interrupts.
"Your best drinking buddy, you mean. Barbara, I don't have the time or energy to do this with you today. This chapter of my life is closed, please stay within those pages and leave me alone," she says before pulling Elliot by the arm, the two walking away.
"Olivia, she loved you," the woman called after her.
Olivia stops cold, taking a sharp breath, she turns to the woman. "She had a funny way of showing it and you had a funny way of never stepping in when you could've. You were the only person Mother ever listened to and you never said a God damned word, Barbara. You just took her out for another round. Look where that's gotten us."
Elliot knows he's in the middle of a very important moment, even though he doesn't understand a single bit of it. He knows his role is to have her back and that's what he'll do.
"Baby, I am so sorry, I didn't know what else to do. Your mom was so different after the rape and the only time she seemed happy was at the bar. I'm sorry," Barbara offers.
"Ever stop to think how she was after the bar? That you sent her home to a little girl that reminded her of the worst night of her life. I could never figure out what I had done to her, until she screamed it in my face when I was 13 years old. I'm sure you remember that though, don't you, because you stood there and watched it happen. Don't ever look in my direction again." She walks away and Elliot follows.
Barbara is left in shock, standing by the fresh gravesite. She doesn't move an inch, probably letting Olivia have ample time to leave.
Olivia is walking fast, a full three feet ahead of Elliot. She reaches the edge of the cemetery before she can't move any further. She bends at the waist, putting both hands on her thighs, like she'd just sprinted a mile. She can't catch her breath.
Elliot reaches her and rubs light circles on her back. It's how he comforts his kids. That's all he knows to pull from. He's been a father for so long that it's the only bag of tricks he owns now and Olivia very much seems like a child in need of comfort in this moment.
After a minute she stands, wiping her eyes, muttering, "I'm sorry," as she desperately try's to get herself together.
"Nothing to be sorry about, Liv. Let's get you home, hmm?" he says as he guides her to his waiting vehicle.
When he gets her to her apartment he parks and walks her inside. She looks surprised, but doesn't argue. He tells her, without her needing to ask, "Kathy and the kids went to visit her mother for three days. Ya know the kids winter break started yesterday."
"Oh," is all she says as she unlocks the door.
Elliot can tell she wants to ask him to stay, but doesn't want to seem desperate for company, so he puts it on himself. "I've had the house to myself for the past two days now, it's getting pretty boring at this point. Think you'd be up for some take out? Maybe a movie?"
"Sure," she tells him, a bit of relief in her voice. "I think I have some of your sweats if you want to get out of that monkey suit," she tells him.
"Yeah, that'd work," he replies with a grin.
An hour later they're on her couch in matching NYPD sweats, eating Chinese takeout and watching "Rocky". Once dinner is put away, Olivia lays down on the couch to watch the rest of the movie. Her feet are tucked just out of his reach—if she straightened her legs her feet would sit in his lap. Elliot can tell she'll be asleep soon, she's exhausted. He watches out of the corner of his eye as she drifts off. After a few minutes, he pulls the blanket off the back of the couch and drapes it over her.
Her feet eventually stretch out and into his lap. He notices her painted toenails. It's the middle of winter and she has her toenails done. It hits him, as it sometimes does, what a girl Olivia really is. For all of her toughness and hard exterior, deep down she's still very feminine and soft. She's also insecure—he felt that today, for the first time. Olivia truly doesn't have a safety net. He wants to be that for her, her safety net. A safe place to fall, if she ever has to.
He gets up to leave when the movie is over. He slowly picks her feet up from his lap and places them softly on the couch cushions.
He turns the TV off. Then he hears her very quietly ask, "Do you like my hair like this?"
He's caught off guard. "What?" he asks, unsure if he's heard her correctly.
She yawns and doesn't open her eyes. "My hair. Do you think it looks okay? Short like this?"
Where was this coming from? He goes along. "Yeah, of course, Liv. You could shave your head and still look better than half the women in Manhattan," he tells her honestly, before adding, "Why do you ask?"
He's standing and he doesn't want her to feel like he's in a hurry to leave so he sits on the floor, leaning his back against the front of the couch.
"My mom…the last conversation I had with her, she said she didn't like my hair. She thought I was trying to look too tough. She always had something to say about me that wasn't good enough for her," she tells him.
His heart skips a beat, is she actually opening up to him?
It's so rare. It's like being really still and waiting for a butterfly to land on you. It rarely happens, but when it does it's magical and you don't want to screw it up too quickly.
"That was about her, not you. I've yet to find a single imperfection in you," he says, laying his head back to nudge her knees playfully.
She scoffs in reply to his assertion of her perfection.
"What? Liv, it's true, ask anyone. Well, I mean except that you don't like bacon. That's a pretty huge flaw. Other than that though, I got nothing," he tells her and it earns him a giggle. Mission accomplished.
"Seriously though. I wouldn't put too much weight on your mother's opinions. I get this feeling she was pretty good at lashing out when she was hurting," he tells her.
"And she hurt a lot, El. She hurt a lot because of me. Because I was a living, breathing reminder." He can hear the misplaced guilt in her voice.
"You're completely innocent in all of this, Olivia. I know she made you feel otherwise, probably your entire life, but it's just not true. This isn't on you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing." He makes the strongest of eye contact as he speaks— needing her to understand how deadly serious he is.
"I don't know, but I do know one thing I should feel guilty about." She rolls onto her back and looks at the ceiling.
"What's that?" he asks.
"Barbara. I shouldn't have told her off like that. Not at Mother's funeral," she says, rubbing her eyes with her thumb and index finger.
"You seemed pretty passionate. Who was she?" he asks.
"She was Serena's best friend, since childhood. They moved here together when they graduated high school. Attended Hudson together," she explains.
"I always thought you came from a long line of Manhattanites," he's interjects.
"No, but I do come from a fairly long line of English professors. Mother at Hudson. My grandfather and his father both taught at Yale. Mother grew up in New Haven. Took the train to Grand Central as much as she could growing up—she always loved Manhattan. Her dad was disappointed she chose Hudson over Yale, but he got over it. Her parents loved her a lot." She has a soft tone when speaking of her grandparents admiration for their daughter.
"Were you close with them? Your grandparents?" He suddenly wants to know everything.
"I wanted to be and I know they did too, but Mother didn't really allow it. She never told them the truth. Barbara was the only person who knew where I came from. She helped her hide it from my grandparents. She helped her hide a lot of things from them. I think if they'd known about her drinking they would have intervened. The few times I got to spend with them were great. They were very loving people. My grandmother came from old money. When they passed away they left quite a bit of money for me to have for college and a nest egg. It's come in handy. It was supposed to be held until I was 18, but when I was emancipated I was allowed to access it. Probably the only reason the judge allowed the emancipation to move forward instead of putting me in the system. My attorney helped me invest and make wise choices with it—I actually still have quite a bit of it," she tells him and he's a bit shook. He didn't know any of this.
"I didn't realize you were emancipated as a minor. How'd that go down?" he asks.
"My mother tried to kill me with a broken vodka bottle." She watches as his expression turns to one of horror before continuing. "She didn't like the fact that I was dating her student. I was, obviously, able to fight her off, but too much damage was done to ever go home again. I was resourceful for my age and found an attorney who figured it all out. You know, as nice as it was to have that money, to still be benefiting from it, I'd have given every penny of it back for my mother to be sober. And to have just been static, you know? I just needed her to be predictable. To either love me all the time or hate me all the time—the back and forth with her was exhausting. I never knew what I was going to get." It hits her that she's being more honest about her past than she's ever been been with anyone. Elliot does that for her—makes her feel comfortable and safe. No one else has ever come close to the way he makes her feel.
"You didn't deserve that. You deserved, God, Liv, you deserved to be loved by your mom all the time without conditions. And if she couldn't do that then she shouldn't have stood in the way of those who could. As for Barbara, you don't owe her an apology and you shouldn't feel guilty. She wasn't a good friend to your mom and she shouldn't even attempt to defend herself for enabling her.
"I'm so sorry, Liv," he tells her with all the sincerity in the world coming through in his voice, his cadence, his eyes.
"Thank you, El. For everything. For just listening to me," she declares with an exhausted voice, placing her hand on his shoulder.
"That's what I'm here for, Liv," he says, putting his hand atop hers and giving a gentle squeeze.
It's not five more minutes before Olivia is sleeping soundly. This time, he doesn't even attempt to leave. He makes himself a pallet on her floor and stays the night, just in case she needs him.
~oOo~
2001
Olivia has spent her morning in court—the first hearing of the day started at 8am and was out by 8:30am. She hopes Elliot will wait for her to go downtown to interview a suspect in the Financial District. Much to her disappointment, she returns to the 1-6 to find Cragen has sent Elliot out with Fin.
She sat at her desk and immediately began complaining about the arrangement under her breath.
Munch overhears and points to the TV. "I wouldn't be too jealous. It's gonna be hell getting back this way today. A plane just crashed into the Trade Center. It must've malfunctioned or something."
Olivia turns her attention to the television. "My God, those poor people."
"I know. It's terrible. Not jealous of the Port Authority today, either," he tells her.
"I'm going to call Elliot," Olivia tells him, making her way up the stairs to the roof. She can see the towers clearly from that vantage point. She watches the smoke bellowing out of the top of the tower, she shakes her head in sadness for all of the lives she's sure will be lost. She attempts to call Elliot, but gets no answer. He's probably still with the suspect.
She stands and watches the towers for a few moments longer. As she turns to go, she sees another plane round the building before hitting the second tower. She feels like she's been punched in the gut. She can't take a deep breath. Oh my God, this was on purpose. She feels bile rising in her throat. Swallowing hard, she pulls her phone out, frantically dialing her partner to be met with the automated message, "All circuits are busy".
She needs to hear his voice to know that he's ok.
She tries twice more, greeted with the same message each time, before bolting back down the stairs into the precinct where a crowd of officers are watching the television, all with equal looks of horror on their faces. Cragen motions for her to follow he and Munch to the office.
"Captain, what're they saying? What's happening?" She hardly recognizes her own voice. There is an unsteady timbre—she's scared and her vocals are a dead giveaway.
"It looks like a terrorist attack, Liv. It's gonna be all hands on deck. Port Authority can't handle this alone. We'll be getting assignments soon, I'm sure," Cragen tells her and Munch. Olivia can't understand how Don seems so calm. Maybe that's how he's built, to be a captain, to not crumble under the worse of stress. She can't see herself in that type of position, especially not now while her heart is pumping along at 140 beats per minute and her knees are shaking out of pure fear.
"Cap, I tried to call Elliot, but it says it can't go through. He and Fin are downtown, right?" she asks.
"Yeah, the service will probably be tied up. I can't imagine how many calls are coming and going right now. Especially downtown," Cragen explains.
"They're ok, Liv," Munch tells her, squeezing her upper arm.
"I hope so, John," she replies. "I hope so."
"Cap, should we start heading down there? More hands to help the injured out?" Munch asks.
"No, we stay put til we hear from the brass," he answers firmly.
Munch and Liv look at one another—both would feel better doing something.
Olivia sits in one of the captains office chairs and tries Elliot. Both of the older men look at her with concern in their eyes.
"All circuits are busy."
The automated voice tells her. She tries six more times over the next half hour to no avail. She slams her phone down in frustration. "Fuck," she mutters. "I should be with him, not Fin."
She barely finishes her sentence when the three feel a very soft rumble beneath their feet and hear a commotion from the squad room.
They exit the office and find, to their collective horror, that the north tower has collapsed. The news was a live feed of the pandemonium. People, including the camera and anchorman were running from a cloud of debris.
Olivia feels the panic envelope her. He was downtown. She knows that if El had seen the need to help he would have stopped and helped. He couldn't have just walked away from this, she knows that in her bones. If he was there then there is a good chance he's gone.
She catastrophizes.
Her best friend is gone.
She'd have to tell his wife, his kids that she didn't have his back like she promised.
She doesn't know when the tears began to fall, but she can't control them. She's sobbing.
Then she feels hands on her upper arms, pulling her into a solid chest. The smell of his Polo cologne fills her nostrils.
It's him.
Elliot is hugging her to him in the middle of the precinct and no one even looks twice because everyone is comforting one another.
"Oh my God, Elliot," she whispers, not giving a second thought to how ferociously she's clinging to him.
"I know, I know. It's terrible," he says into her hair.
She pulls back wiping her eyes. "Where were you? I thought you were downtown with Fin. I was so scared you were both buried in the collapse."
"No, we had planned to stay and help, but there was this group of high school girls from Germany who were separated from their group, panicking. We got the name of their hotel and took them ourselves. We figured we'd be given our duties for the day when we got back. I tried to call you, but…"
"All circuits are busy," she finishes his sentence. "Did you try Kathy yet?"
He's embarrassed to admit that he hadn't.
"Try. Maybe landline to landline will work," she tells him.
He walks toward the desk where the landline sits before turning and taking in his partner one more time. He can see the light shake in her hands and he could feel her heart beating through her shirt when he hugged her. Her makeup is smudged all over her face. He's never seen her scared like this, not ever. And he knows the feeling because he's never been scared like this either.
"Liv, you know we're gonna be okay, right?" He's trying to comfort her and himself at the same time.
"I…I don't know, El," she tells him honestly.
"We will be. It'll take a while—maybe a long while, but we'll be okay. Ok?" He is dest to believe his own words.
Liv pauses a moment. She decides to believe him—to cling to his hope because on her own she feels completely lost. She gives him a sad, half smile. "Okay. I believe you."
He gives her a smile that matches her own.
"Now, call Kathy," she tells him.
Elliot reaches his wife who is understandably very upset. He tells her the truth; he has no idea when he'll be home or what he'll be doing or how he'll reach her when he's in the field, but he loves her and the kids very much.
The next weeks are some of the hardest they ever face. Thankfully, crime was at an all time low. The police were tied up sifting through remains; taking missing person reports; barely going home, rarely sleeping.
On day four, Elliot finds Olivia standing on the roof—taking a much needed breather.
"Hey, partner," he greets quietly.
"Hey," she replies.
"Taking a minute?" he asks even though it's obvious.
"Yeah," she is going to leave a one word response, but his eyes urge her to continue. "Elliot, I'm sad and angry and disgusted. We have so many funerals to attend in the next few weeks. So many. And I feel such guilt for being so happy that I'm okay and that my closest people are okay. I thought for a minute that you could be under that rubble and it was the worst pain I've ever felt."
It's a weighted confession, they both know that, but neither plan to examine it further. It was simply the truth. Losing Elliot would be the worst pain she ever felt.
"But I'm here, Liv," he says, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. "We're both here."
She relaxes into him and the two stand in silence, looking out over a city that is forever changed.
~oOo~
2003
When the assassin pointed the gun out the window, Elliot knew exactly who the bullets were intended for, Alex Cabot.
That knowledge, however, did Alex no good. His knee jerk reaction was to pull Olivia to the ground. It felt hardwired in him, to protect Olivia at all costs.
And this had cost a lot.
He didn't know if Olivia would ever forgive him or if he'd ever forgive himself.
Alex was Olivia's only close female friend. Sure, she was friends with Melinda, but not in the same way. Alex was a lot like Olivia—single, childless, passionate, and married to the job. They would butt heads occasionally, but got over it quickly.
Elliot is acutely aware of the importance of female friendships. He lives in a home full of females. He knows Olivia is devastated.
They stay at the crime scene much longer than necessary. Eventually, he has to pull his distraught partner away. He has to get her home—she needs to shower, to get her friend's blood off her hands.
When they arrive in front of her apartment, he's thrilled to easily find a parking place on the street. When the car stops, it's as if she doesn't even notice.
"Liv?" he asks gently.
"She was right, ya know?" Olivia says, staring, unseeing, out the passenger side window.
"She was right?" He's not sure what she's referencing. Alexander Cabot was right about most things, she was a brilliant woman.
"Tonight at dinner, when she said we never really win. She was right. Nothing we do makes a difference. We can't even protect the people we love. What's the point?" She's yet to look at him.
"I don't think that way. Thinking that way makes not only her death in vain, but her life purposeless and that's just not true." He pauses, waiting for a reply, but only gets a jagged breath from his partner.
He continues, "This, this was a big loss, Liv, but you can't think that way. We do have wins. Maybe we're not taking down entire cartels, but what we do is important to individuals. Especially what you do."
She looks at him then, quizzically.
"The kids we help, sometimes they come in with no light in their little eyes. They're just these sad, empty little vessels," he tells her. "But then, then they meet you and it's like they instantly know they're safe. Just because Olivia Benson is in the world, they know that good exists and safety exists and that they have someone on their side. And sometimes, even by the end of the case the light starts coming back on. And I don't care what you or Alex had to say, that is making a difference. YOU make a difference, Olivia."
"I didn't make one tonight. Why'd I let her walk on the outside of the sidewalk, El? What was I thinking? This was preventable and I can't forgive myself for it. Her blood will always be on my hands," she tells him and he can't even fathom what she's saying.
"Olivia, this isn't your fault. If anything, it's mine." He takes a deep breath before confessing his fear. "I saw the gun first and I knew it was gonna be aimed for Cabot, but I just, my instinct went to you. I could've dove toward her, but I didn't. I took you to the ground with me. It's my fault, Liv. Not yours. Mine."
Tears are building in his blue eyes, something she rarely, if ever, sees and it breaks her heart. She had no idea that he was blaming himself for any of this.
It's her turn to comfort him. She takes his hand that's resting on the console and squeezes tightly.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Elliot. I don't think you could've reached her if you tried. We didn't think it through all the way. We thought it was over and let our guards down," she tells him.
"Five minutes after we talked about how it never ends." He shakes his head in disbelief. How could he have been so dumb? So unprepared? "I'm so sorry. I know what Alex meant to you. I know she was one of your best friends. I hate this, Liv."
She simply nods and starts to open the door.
"Want me to walk you up?" he asks, hoping she'll say "yes".
"No, thanks though. I just, I think I need some alone time to process." She gives him a sad smile before adding, "I'll blink my lights when I get inside."
"Yeah, please," he says gently.
She opens the door, but pauses before getting out entirely. "You're my first instinct too, El. When danger shows up, I instantly look for you. I always want to protect you and I know you'll protect me too. It's why we're so good together. And I'm not the only one who can put the light back in a kids eyes. You do too, El. I've seen kids who've never trusted a man in their whole life open up to you. You make a difference too."
His heart is full for a moment, hearing her echo his sentiment. He doesn't trust his voice not to break, his only reply is, "Try to get some sleep, Liv."
"You too." She shuts the door.
He waits for her to blink her lights before driving home to Queens.
~oOo~
2004
"Are you actually enjoying this, Liv?" he asks with a chuckle in his voice.
"Look, Elliot, you are crashing my plans for the day. I didn't invite you over to watch Autumn in New York, you literally just showed up. So in conclusion, keep your critique to yourself," she tells him playfully.
"Yeah, yeah. I just didn't know this was your kind of movie. Never hit me as the chick flick type," he responds.
"Well, I'm about to hit you in another way you never expected." She pauses the movie.
"Why'd you pause it?! It was getting so interesting!" He fiends disappointment.
"Uh-huh. El, it's not that I don't enjoy your being here, I do, but are you ok?" she asks.
"What do you mean? I'm not dying or anything," he answers rather smugly.
"I mean with the Kathy situation. You've not been yourself. You're biting my head off at work, but spending every weekend here. It's Saturday at 4pm, El. Where are the kids? This is your weekend, right?" she asks, hoping she's not overstepping.
"Yeah, it was supposed to be. Mo met me earlier in the week for lunch on break between classes. She's an adult and chooses to see me, but she's really the only one I've seen this month. Kathleen is pissed, keeps coming up with excuses to go someplace else on my weekend. Kathy said she barely speaks to her either, so who knows. The twins are just booked up with birthday parties or church events or practices for one thing or another. When we were under the same roof, they did their things and came home at night—dinner as a family, ya know?"
She can hear the sadness in his voice. As happy as she is with the extra time she has with him, she'd give anything for him to have his family back together.
"I just really miss my kids, Liv." It's the rawest she's ever heard his voice.
"I'm sorry, El. I know how much you love your kids. I wish I could help." She really doesn't know what else to say.
"You're already helping," he tells her.
"Oh yeah? By making you watch chick flicks and buy me take out?" She laughs.
"Yeah, actually. You're the one person in this life I can count on. You let me in your house—every day off I spend drinking a beer with my best friend and it means the world to me. You don't even know. And how do I repay you? By treating you like shit every time I get frustrated. I'm as bad a friend as I am a father lately and I'm sorry," he tells her earnestly.
"First of all, Elliot Stabler, you are not a bad father. You're the kind of father kids wish they had. You're a good man. Second of all, if I think you're being a shitty friend, I'll be sure to let you know. I know that your short fuse has nothing to do with me, that's why I've been letting in roll off my back. And lastly, El, I'll always be there for you. Always. You're my partner—for life." Her tone means business.
"Thank you, Liv. You're stuck with me too. Now unpause this dumpster fire of a movie, I need to see the hat she designs for their date," he tells her.
She throws a pillow at him before pushing play. He laughs, if he can't be with his kids today, there is nowhere else he'd rather be.
~oOo~
2005
Olivia was supposed to be here, in Philly, today for a conference on neighborhood policing. After realizing the date conflicted with the tickets some schmo, whose name escapes him, got for Spamalot, she begged Elliot to come in her stead. He agreed, mostly because he owed her one.
However, he's now come to the realization that her evening was not spent at the theater. He'd heard about her day from no less than a half dozen NYPD officers. The first two didn't know she was his partner and they certainly didn't know she was his best friend.
"Some lady detective from Manhattan SVU is falling for a prank and got most of the city involved. They're shutting down tunnels, blocking roads." One of the unis said over dinner.
Elliot sat quietly, waiting for the details to emerge before telling them who he is and, more importantly, who Olivia Benson is.
"What's the prank?" Elliot asks.
"Someone with a voice changer called 911 said they're a kid stuck in a room, they been on the phone for hours now. Every time they get a trace the room has 'moved'. This chick cop refuses to believe it's all just a hoax and has the whole city on alert. Traffic is a nightmare. Glad we don't go home til tomorrow," he explains, taking a bite of his sandwich.
Before Elliot can interject, another cop speaks up, "If I was on the way to the airport or some shit and got wind this bitch was the reason I missed my flight, I'd sue the city or just her, personally. Women get too into those 'maternal instincts' and forget how to be real cops."
Elliot can feel the heat under his collar, but reminds himself to calm down.
This isn't the place to throw a punch. This isn't the place to throw a punch. He repeats the mantra in his head before speaking. "I happen to know that detective. In fact, she's my partner. She's a damn good cop and not stupid. If she believes that it's an actual little girl, she's got a reason to believe it. And I'd trust that 'maternal instinct' of hers over any hunch you gave me." He stands to leave, beyond pissed, but proud of himself for not socking the guy in the face.
He calls Cragen who gives him a run down of events. He includes that both he and Munch think it's a hoax, but "you know how Liv gets when a kid's involved". Olivia was stressed and, from the sound of it, needing some real support from her squad. He almost wishes that he'd told her "no" to the Spamalot trade, so she'd be at this conference and safe from ridicule. Of course, if this child is real, and he's banking on his partner on this, it's all very serendipitous.
The conference finishes and Elliot retires to his hotel room, anxiously awaiting word. He looks forward to putting everyone who doubted Liv in their places. Hours later, he gets a text from Cragen. "Liv was right the whole time. Girl is real and we're on the heels of a major child pornography bust."
"Did you find the child?" he asks in reply. At this moment, realizing that he should've wished Olivia was wrong, that they were really chasing a hoax and not a little girl trapped with a pornographer.
"No, we're still working on it. The son of a bitch came in and hung up the phone before the FBI could get the real trace. Olivia was on the phone with her for hours. Admirable work from your partner, she put the whole puzzle together," Cragen texts.
Of course she had and with no help from everyone on the sidelines calling her crazy.
He wishes he knew what rooms the assholes from lunch ended up in, he'd go and let them know that whoever missed flights could just keep the retainer for the attorney they were getting.
He debates just going home. The conference wraps in the morning, but if Liv needs him, he'll be there.
He sends her a text to tell her as much.
It's after 11pm when she finally replies. "We found her. Bastard chloroformed her and buried her alive, but she survived."
What a day he'd missed. He decides to call her. She picks up after three rings. The exhaustion is evident in her heavy tone.
"Hey, El," she answers.
"Hey, hero," he greets her with pride.
"I don't know about that, a hero would've caught her rapist months ago," she downplays the day, typical Olivia.
"Don't do that, Liv. You know as well as I do that if you hadn't been the person on the phone today, she wouldn't have been found. You stood up for what you believed to be true and that led to her being saved. You did that, nobody else, you're the hero in this story," he tells her, desperate for her to be as proud of herself as he is of her.
"She was such a sweet little girl, El. You would have believed her too. I know you would've," she tells him.
"Yeah, maybe. What about her kidnapper? You got him?" he asks.
"Yeah and hopefully an entire network of creeps will be going down with him." She yawns.
"Where you at, Liv? You sound sleepy." He wants to know she's at least on her way to a good nights rest.
"I'm about to walk into my building. Can you see me blink my lights from Philly?" she teases.
"Funny. Just stay on the phone til you get in, that's even better," he chuckles.
"Yeah, yeah," she mutters.
"I'm sorry your date got ruined. I've heard good things about Spamalot. Mo said it was hilarious. She's a big Monty Python fan though." He's attempting a normal conversation before she goes to bed with the horrors of the day in her head. They do this a lot when they've had a scary day.
"I've heard it's great. Not my usual brand of humor, but really anything on stage is fun. Jonathan wasn't really my brand of guy either though, so it could've been a complete fail," she tells him as she locks her doors.
"That your door locking? You're safe and sound?" he asks.
"Yeah. You need to go?" She's sure he's tired.
"No, no. Today was kind of a breeze, if you're ready to sleep though, feel free to tell me." He doesn't want to keep her up if she thinks she can sleep, but he knows her well enough to know that even if she's exhausted, it'll take her a while to wind down.
She pauses a minute before talking. "No one believed me today, Elliot. They all thought I was being gullible. They even called me with a voice changer to prove it to me."
"Who did that?" he asks, blown away that they'd even attempt something so heartless.
"Cragen and Munch. I thought they trusted me, but I guess I was wrong." She sounds sad, betrayed and he doesn't blame her.
"It was probably just wishful thinking. They probably just didn't want it to be true so they chose to believe it wasn't. It's not right, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they believe in you, Liv. Cragen told me today that he admires you. And Munch is just paranoid, it's not personal. Fin didn't question you, did he?" he ends with a question, hoping he already knew the answer, that Fin would never.
"No, Fin was as loyal as ever. And you're right about Munch. Did the Captain really say that?" she asked with what he could've sworn was disbelief in her voice.
"Yeah, Liv. And for what it's worth, I admire you too," he tells her softly.
"Thanks, El. I'm gonna grab a shower and hit the hay," she says through a yawn.
"Yeah, get some sleep. I'm gonna skip the closing tomorrow and come home early so you can take the day off. Just gotta say bye to a couple of the guys here in the morning."
He won't fill her in on why he wants to tell them bye.
"Goodnight, El."
"'Night, Liv."
He hopes that he's provided her with some semblance of peace tonight, she deserves all the peace in the world.
~oOo~
2006
He's really done it. He's almost ruined the deepest relationship in his life.
It all started with Victor Gitano. He almost killed Olivia in that bus terminal. Elliot will never forget what it felt like when he saw her hit the floor. Never.
He had run to her and she'd told him to go, save the boy. He'd been too late, the boy was dead. And instead of just putting the blame where it belonged—on Victor Gitano—he blamed the one person who didn't deserve it. He said some of the worst things to her. Things he knows she'll never truly let go of because she's Olivia and she will always believe the worst about herself. And the fact that his voice is amongst the voices that have hurt her is devastating to him.
Almost as devastating as the fact that she left him—twice.
He knows, logically, the second time she left was not her call. She'd been thrown into an undercover op with eco terrorists, but still, she could've tried to let him know she was ok. She should've known he'd be worried.
He'd been saddled with a new partner, Dani Beck. He'd kissed her. He was disgusted with himself. He had never gone to another woman as a rebound from Kathy. He'd just spent his time off with Liv. He had her and even though it wasn't a "romantic" relationship in the classical sense, he was completely satisfied and had no desire to pursue other women. Dani had not been a rebound from Kathy, she'd been a rebound from Liv. None of the women involved deserved this from him. Not Dani and certainly not Olivia Benson.
Dani left after an incident with a victim. She never reached out to him and neither had he to her. Liv is back by his side and he's relieved, but it's awkward and it's never been awkward.
They talk it out on the steps of his studio apartment after a particularly hard case—a woman was burned to death by her husband after she falsely accused him of rape. When they leave the steps to go to a nearby 24 hour diner for a very early breakfast, they're less awkward, more themselves.
They sit at a booth across from one another. Elliot really looks at her for the first time since she's been home. She's stunning. Her hair is styled differently than he's ever seen. Her skin is flawless and he thinks even tanner than usual. She's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He wishes he could tell her, but refrains. He decides to ease into the conversation.
"What was Oregon like? I've never really been to the West Coast," he confesses.
"It was beautiful, but I missed home. I didn't realize how loud silence could be or how dark, dark really is. I guess I really am just a city girl at heart," she tells him.
"Were you lonely?" he wonders.
"I had people, some really nice. If you're asking if I missed you, the answer is yes," she tells him bluntly.
"I missed you too, Liv. So much." As he speaks, the waitress makes her presence known. The two order and wait for the waitress to leave before continuing their conversation.
"When I told you I was the longest relationship you've ever had with a man, Liv, that was shitty and I'm sorry. And it's certainly not because no one else could put up with you." He's been wanting to get that thought out of her head since she spoke those very words on his stoop.
She scoffs, "Oh yeah? I'm pretty sure I just make things harder for everyone I've ever been close to. My mom, we won't even go there. I've given Cragen a run for his money. The FBI agent I was paired with in Oregon thought I was the most annoying person he'd ever met. And you, you're always having to look over your shoulder to make sure I'm ok." She's looking down at her hands that hold her coffee.
"Olivia, I never should've said that—I regretted it two seconds later. Not only because it wasn't true, but because I knew you'd internalize it. I'm so sorry and I want, no, I need you to believe me—I was being an asshole, what I said was meant to hurt your feelings, but it wasn't true. And, Liv, any man would be lucky to have you by their side, in any capacity. I'm lucky to have you by my side. And I don't deserve you." He has to swallow back his tears, heartbroken that his words have left such a mark in her psyche.
"It's ok, El. I forgave you almost as quickly as you regretted saying it," she tells him, falsely thinking he's seeking forgiveness.
"I'm not asking for unearned forgiveness, Liv. I don't deserve your grace on this matter. I just want to hear you say you know what I said was bullshit. I want to know that you know you're a better cop than 99% in the field because that's just the truth. You are the best cop I know," he's pleading with her to understand, to let the awful things he said leave the forefront of her mind.
"I hear you, El. And I want to believe it, but I can't just forget. It's driven this need to prove myself since the second you said it," she tells him, honestly, and his heart shatters for the third time this morning. "You have always been my biggest encourager, for eight years now, so it was a blow coming from you. I'm used to angry, undeserved words being hurled at me. I've got that my entire life. I tried everything to get my mother to love me. I did beauty pageants for Christ's sake," she says it with a sad chuckle before continuing. "Nothing was ever good enough for her and eventually I gave up. I started believing everything she said to me and it became this underlying theme in my life—I'm not good enough. Then I joined the force and I thought maybe I was good enough for this. I got to SVU and got this partner who protected me and told me how great I was and it all started to fall into place. I was comfortable and I knew who I was with you—sure, we butted heads, but at the end of the day I was certain that I was a good cop. Then, you flipped the script. The whole time, you'd been feeding me a line, you weren't protecting me because of some partnerly duty, you were 'coming to the rescue'. I was never good enough and hearing that from you, the person who's opinion I hold higher than my own, just solidified it for me." He can hear his own betrayal echoed in her words.
"What can I do to fix this, Liv? What can I do to make you see the truth?" He's desperate.
"It's just going to take time. I went out on my own to find out if I was capable or if it had all been in my head. I found out that I can handle myself just fine. I'm a good cop. I know that about myself now. I'm just not convinced that deep down my partner doesn't think the opposite. I can do this job without you, Elliot," she pauses, taking a drink of her coffee and he holds his breath before she continues, "but I don't want to. I want my partner next to me. So I forgive you and I promise I'm working on believing what you're telling me."
"It'll just take time?" he confirms with her. "I've got time, Liv. And I'll dedicate as much of it to proving the truth to you as you'll let me." He decides to drop it for now, she's told him what he needs to know and he can't argue with it. He can only tell her the truth and treat her like the integral part of the team that she is. " I'm so happy you're home, Liv."
"Me too." She gives him a genuine smile and it warms his heart.
Everything he heard today was hard—it's not easy to find out that you hurt someone you love, but he needed to hear her say it. Now, he can fix it.
Now, he can fix them.
~oOo~
2007
Rebecca Hendrix, of all people, had been handpicked to do their psych evaluations. Why not Huang? As far as Olivia knows, Huang doesn't have a crush on either of them. Rebecca has made her fondness of Elliot quite clear in the past. It feels like a setup and it makes her heart hurt that Don even felt like this was necessary.
To make matters worse, this is all her fault. So many "what if's" go through her mind. What if she'd never ran her DNA? What if she hadn't found Simon Marsden and gotten involved in his case? What if Elliot hadn't followed her to Jersey?
She hates that she regrets meeting her brother. She wanted, so badly, for him to be a great guy. She wanted to get to know his kids and have a place to go on Christmas and birthdays. She only wanted a family. And now she feels like such a selfish idiot.
She screwed up a rape investigation—the victim may never get the justice he deserves. The weight of the guilt of that alone is enough to pull her under, but then she factors in Elliot and she feels twice as terrible. His loyalty to her will be the end of his career. When all is said and done, her thoughtlessness will be what ends both of their careers.
She gets through most of the interview process, feeling low, but when Rebecca gets to the question about saving Elliot instead of a member of the public, she can't do it. She tells the doctor she is done and walks away. She knows the same question was asked of Elliot and he wouldn't lie. A child was dead because he picked her. It was still fresh on both of their minds and still hurt them both deeply.
When she exits the appointment, desperate for fresh air, she's met by Elliot waiting in his car for her. She doesn't even know if he saw her come out before opening the door and taking a seat in his passenger side.
"Let's get out of here, El," she says with a huff that sounds on the edge of tearful.
He immediately starts the car. "That bad, huh?"
"No, it was great to spent an hour destroying my partnership and possibly my career," she tells him sarcastically. She sees his jaw clenched—his giveaway when he's anxious. "I'm sorry, El. And like I said before, you don't have to go down with this, it's 100% on me."
"First of all, we don't even know what Dr. Hendrix is going to say. Historically, neither of us have been great at predicting what a shrinks gotta say. And second, I made the choice to put myself in this, I was worried and followed you to Jersey. You point blank told me to get out of your business and I didn't, so you're not solely to blame here, Liv," he tells her, trying to be of comfort.
"Well, we both know how Rebecca feels about me, so that can't bode well." She doesn't mention how Rebecca feels about him, it's been a touchy subject for a while now.
"Liv, this is gonna piss you off, but I'm going to say it anyway. I think Rebecca will leave her bias out and be professional. I honestly do. Stop worrying about that aspect. Stop worrying about this at all, actually, it's done and whatever happens will happen," he tells her to stop being anxious, but she can still see every muscle in his jaw. She wants to call bullshit, but refrains. He's just trying to make her feel better.
"I hope you're right." She pauses, looking out the window before continuing, "Elliot, I don't want to lose you."
He takes the opportunity to look at her for a moment, the anxiety is written all over her face. "You gotta know, no matter what Hendrix has to say, that will never happen. If I get canned today, I'll still be your partner when we're 90. Got it? What we have is not a work friendship—it's a lifetime friendship."
She can only nod, swallowing hard and concentrating on not crying.
They ride to her place in a silence that is only comfortable between two partners, two best friends.
~oOo~
Spring 2008
Olivia hasn't shown up for work this morning. Elliot couldn't say he blamed her, but she usually texted.
She'd seemed off after leaving Melinda's office yesterday. He'd left to get Harris in the car, Olivia stayed behind a moment before joining them. The car was dead silent and the tension could've been cut with a knife, but he didn't want to say anything in front of Harris. When they arrived at lock up, Olivia had ducked out.
He called her cell, but was met with a voicemail box. Soon after, she texted. "Went home. I'm exhausted. Good night — LIV"
It wasn't like her, but he knew she wanted her space and needed rest. He wishes he would've gone and checked in on her now. She had completely blown him off when he asked about the basement, but he should've kept trying. And yesterday when they left the ME's office, her eyes were glassy with unshed tears.
At this moment Melinda walks into the squad room, beelining for Elliot.
"Hey, where's Liv today?" she asks.
"She called in. Something I can help you with, Doc?" The doctor seems off—like there is something she's debating in her mind.
"No, I was just around the block and thought I'd come check on her. Elliot, has she spoken at all with you about her time at Sealview?" Alarm bells begin to ring in his mind.
"No, she blew me off when I asked. Why?" He can hear the nerves in his own voice.
"Just…something she said yesterday. Did you know Olivia asked Ashley to identify Harris by his penis? Is that a normal line of questioning or one you'd only ask if you happened to know the person has an easily identifiable penis?" she asks, placing extra emphasis where necessary to get her point across.
"You think she saw it?" he asks, disgusted.
"Elliot, I know she did. I asked her, yesterday, after taking pictures. She said she had seen it. She didn't seem ok to me, so I came by to check." She's delivering news that he already somewhat expected, but had chosen to believe otherwise.
"What exactly did she tell you, Melinda?" His tone is all business.
"She said she saw his penis when he had her in the basement. I asked if she were raped and she answered it was the closest she'd ever come. I don't think she's alright, Elliot. I can go by her apartment, if you want me to," she tells him, seeing the horror in his features.
"No, no, I'll go over there. Thank you for telling me. It's hard to get that kind of stuff out of her sometimes," he says this as he looks for his keys, heading for the door.
He got to her apartment in record time. He knocked on her door for a few minutes, gradually getting louder with each knock. She wasn't answering. He decides to use his key. Thinking that he could just stick his head inside and confirm that she wasn't home.
When he pushes the door open, he sees her soundly sleeping on her couch. He gently calls to her, but she doesn't budge.
He enters the rest of the way and closes the door behind him. She's laying on her stomach, wearing a tank top and a pair of spandex biking shorts. Her blanket has been kicked to the floor, no doubt she's had moments of restlessness.
If he wasn't so distracted by the bruising marring her skin, he could easily spend the rest of the night admiring the curves on her sleeping form. The back of both legs were deep purple. The epicenter of the bruise is behind her knees, but has expanded up both thighs and down both calves. Her arms are covered in fingerprint shaped bruises. A long cut is on her elbow is held together with butterfly stitches. The bruising on her face is more prominent without makeup covering it. She rolls over, moaning in her sleep. It's almost on cue—like she needs him to see the rest of the damage. Her shirt is pulled up and he can tell the entirety of her abdomen is the same deep purple.
He feels bile rising in his throat—she is hurt, badly, and he let her act like everything was fine. This women has stood by his side through thick and thin. She let him couch surf while he was separated from his family; forgave him when she should've thrown him to the curb; stuck by his side when he fucked up and got Kathy pregnant; and then kept his wife alive after a car accident that could have easily killed both her and unborn Eli. He owes her everything and he'd not only allowed someone to do this to her, he allowed himself to ignore it.
His thoughts are interrupted when the moan turns to words, "Please don't, please don't…" She's begging and he's never wanted to unhear anything so badly in his life.
He sits on her coffee table, directly in front of her and quietly calls out to her, shaking her shoulder gently. "Liv, you're just dreaming, wake up. Come on."
She blinks her eyes slowly before asking, "Elliot?"
"Yeah, hey, I got worried when I couldn't wake you from the door. I'm sorry," he tells her, wanting her to know he didn't mean to encroach on her space.
"It's okay." She tries to sit up without using her hands, a feat that's never been difficult before, but her body protests.
"Easy, Liv," he says, standing to put his hand on her back to help her into a sitting position.
"Thanks," she says, awkwardly.
"You took quite a beating. I'm betting it was a pretty unfair fight." He's trying to ease in and tell her that he knows it wasn't her fault.
"Yeah, I was handcuffed for part of it," she tells him, quietly, before changing the subject. "Want a drink or anything?"
"Sure, I'll get it, you want anything?" he asks.
"A bottle of water, please." She sounds defeated, as if asking for something as simple as water shows just how far she's fallen.
He goes to her kitchen, eyeing a bottle of ibuprofen. "You taken ibuprofen or Tylenol or anything?"
"No, I was okay til I slept," she answers, honestly. He doesn't point out the implication—she hasn't slept in two days. That's probably why she was so soundly asleep.
He brings her back a bottle of water and three ibuprofen. She takes both gratefully. "Thanks." She swallows before continuing. "Sorry I worried you. I must've been sleeping hard. Did you just get here?"
"Yeah, pretty much. You kicked your covers off, couldn't help but notice the damage, partner. I'm surprised you've been able to work. What caused that?" He's trying to stay even keel, hoping it will help her disclose whatever she needs to disclose.
"It was a police baton. I didn't realize how bad they hurt," she tells him, honestly. A shiver runs down her spine and she visibly shakes.
"It was pretty bad inside, huh?" he asks, knowing the answer.
"It was a fucking nightmare, El. Just zero privacy, no respect whatsoever. And the guards, my God, some of them were evil," she's finally letting it out.
"How'd you end up in the basement with Harris?" he asks, hoping she'll elaborate without him having to prod too many times.
"There was an upset—everyone wanted more information about the TB outbreak, but the guards wouldn't tell us. Everyone started rioting and I was blamed for it all. Harris said he was taking me to the hole, but took me to the basement instead."
She's remaining calm.
"What happened in the basement, Liv? Is that when he hit you with the baton?" He's certain he knows the answer, but wants her to tell her truth. He knows how vital it is for her to tell her own story.
"Yeah. He, uh, took me to this dirty mattress on the floor. He started kissing me. Elliot, I begged him to stop. Begged him. I could hardly recognize my own voice." Tears are starting to blur her brilliant brown irises.
He takes her hand, squeezing gently to encourage her to go on.
"He said he was going to make me more comfortable and took the cuffs off—I punched him in the face and ran, only there was nowhere to go. I hid behind some crates. He kept taunting me and busting crates with the baton. He finally found me. I put my hands up, asked him to take it easy. That's when he hit me behind the knees. I fell to the ground and he struck just as fast in the stomach. I managed to get away again. I got to the door and it was locked. I was screaming for help and pounding on the door when he punched me in the face, knocked me to my knees and cuffed me to the door." At this point, she pauses and takes a deep, shaky breath.
"It's ok, Liv. Take your time." He's raging inside. This man deserves to pay for what he's done and not just to Ashley and Rissa Tyler. Olivia deserves justice on her behalf.
"That's um, that's when he took his penis out. When I saw the mole. He told me if I bit him he'd kill me. He was starting to push it into my mouth when Fin came rushing in. Elliot, I've never been more afraid in my life." She's trembling recounting the story.
"Liv, I'm so sorry. Have you told Cap? Harris deserves to pay for what he did to you. We could charge him…" he starts, but she interrupts.
"Elliot, I got the justice for Ashley, that was my only concern. As far as I go, no harm no foul." The phrase no longer leaves her lips than she regrets saying it.
"No harm, no foul?! Olivia, if you don't want to tell the brass, I think it's a bad idea, but I get it, I'll back your play. But lying to yourself is a slippery slope." His tone is harsher than he intended, but he's blown away at her lack of self preservation.
"It's not a lie! I'm bruised up—I'm not in a coffin like Risa or recovering from a rape like Ashley!" She's defending herself from the wrong person and she knows it.
"Not for lack of fucking trying on Harris' end, Liv! He beat you with a weapon when you had none. He put his mouth and hands on you. He tried to force his penis into your mouth. If that had happened to any other woman you know, you would be telling them they were sexually assaulted and to seek help. You'd demand justice on their behalf. Why won't you do that for yourself, Liv?" He's genuinely curious at this point.
Her reply is yelled at him, but her voice remains tear filled. "I can't, Elliot!"
"Why not? Because you think you don't deserve justice? Because your mother never got justice? Well that's bullshit, Olivia." He knows he's hit the nail on the head when her only reply is a jagged intake of breath. He continues, "What that piece of garbage did to you was a violent, sexual assault. He had a power over you that was both perceived by him and physically accurate. You couldn't tell him you were a cop because he would've murdered you to hide the truth. It was an unbalanced and unfair situation and you aren't weak in any way for not being able to KO the guy. You did the best anyone could do with such a stacked deck."
She's standing and pacing like a caged lion, he knows she's hurting and it wasn't his intention to come here and rile her up. He goes to her now, gently takes her hands, and guides her back to the couch. "Come on, Liv, sit down. Breath. I'm sorry I got loud," he tells her as she sit's down next to him.
"It's ok, I know you're just being protective. And I'm not stupid, I know that I'm not practicing what I preach. I just, I can't talk to the brass about this, El. It's hard enough being a woman on the force—I can't be a victim." She has a pleading quality in her voice.
He corrects her, "You mean survivor?"
"You're splitting hairs. They won't see the difference. Can you appreciate that? Respect my decision to keep this under wraps?" She knows he won't deny her request, even if he doesn't fully understand it.
"Of course, Liv. I respect you more than anyone else in my life. I want you to promise me that you'll let me know though. That you won't let this eat at you without telling me." He knows that he'll have to be vigilant, she won't willingly come to him, even if she promises and really wants to, it's not her.
"Yeah, El. I will." She pauses a moment before adding, "I appreciate you. Truly. No one else looks out for me like you do."
"Well, I've always looked out for my family and that's what you are. You're family," he tells her, putting his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close.
"And you're mine," she says while relaxing into his side.
"Always, Liv, always." And he means it.
~oOo~
Spring 2009
She saves his life from Dale Stuckey with nothing more than her sheer gut instinct and amazing acting abilities. After, she took him to the ER herself. The wounds were shallow, superficial. He gets a few butterfly stitches and is sent on his way.
Of course, she insists on driving him home, even though it's easily an hours drive at this time of day. She doesn't care, she can't shake the feeling that she'd almost lost him. Had she not realized how out of character it was for Elliot to forget his phone or to eat sushi, he'd be dead at the hands of a psycho. A psycho that's been hiding under their noses this entire time. She feels dumb and guilty for encouraging Elliot to be a little easier on the young CSU tech. He clearly deserved being called out by his fellow officers. She questions her instinct to do the opposite.
As the partners drive, in relative silence, it's Olivia who speaks up first.
"I'm sorry I was so protective of Stuckey. I just thought he was socially awkward kid, not a murderer."
He's dumbfounded. "Liv, are you serious right now? You saved my life today. And you put yourself on the line doing so. I'm the one that should apologize. You weren't in his crosshairs because you were nice to the prick. You saw what a fragile person he was out the gate—I never did, so if you're questioning your gut, don't."
She thinks he must be capable of reading her mind—it's the only explanation for his ability to get to the crux of her thoughts so swiftly.
She shifts gears a bit. "You know that all the things I said today, their wasn't any truth to any of it?"
"I know, Liv. Although the slaps felt pretty real," he chuckles.
"I'm sorry, Elliot. I just…"
He cuts her off, abruptly,."Olivia Benson, you are the only person in the world who saves someone's life and then apologizes for it. I was just commenting on your acting skills—you should've been an actress."
This time she chuckles. "Come on, you heard that accent I threw out during Bushido. I'm not actress material."
"He bought it! Though I do think they were too busy checking you out to notice the accent, to be honest. Out of curiosity, what would you've done if they took you up on the offer?" He's been dying to know, but having gotten shot shortly after, the opportunity to ask seemed missed.
"Huh?" She looks confused.
"You know, '$100 to watch, $250 to join'," he repeats her words from memory.
"I guess just let 'em watch." The delivery is deadpanned and he chokes a little on his laughter.
He knows she's kidding, but his brain skips a track. He can close his eyes and still see her in her lace bra. The fact that was what she had on under her everyday work clothes could send him on a whole other spiral. He still feels her pressed against him in his dreams, warm and real. The entire scenario plays on a loop in his dreams, but in his fantasies, Bushido isn't there to interrupt them.
He feels guilty for his fantasy life and has asked penance for his thoughts on multiple occasions. Olivia came to find him that night to save his marriage—for the umpteenth time. A marriage that, in all honesty, existed solely because he made a vow to God. If it had simply been a vow to Kathy, he'd have run straight to Olivia's bed, not back to his wife's. There was a time when he and Olivia both knew this to be true. Now, he wonders, if Olivia questions that time—if finding out about Eli completely changed her interpretation of their relationship. He secretly hopes not. For some reason he still wants her to know how much he's wanted her throughout the years despite the fact that the ship has sailed with its two main passengers firmly on the dry land.
"Honestly, though, Elliot, I'm not sure." Her tone turns more serious. "I guess it was pretty reckless, but I just knew that whatever happened, we were in it together and we'd figure it out."
"We always do," he tells her and after a pause adds, "I hate to see you in compromised situations like that though."
"What do you mean?" She plays dumb.
"You know what I mean, Olivia. You used your beauty, your body, your sexuality to distract a perp. You put the most fragile part of yourself on the line to help me. And then you did the same thing again today. It's unfair to you. I can and would give my life for you, Liv. But you just willingly risk so much more. You put your soul on the table for me in a way that I can't."
She doesn't really know how to respond. They've never so candidly spoke of her womanhood, of the fact that they are playing the same game with two very different decks of cards. She thinks maybe it's time to tell him the truth.
She waits a moment before starting. "You know, I've been in therapy for PTSD?" It sounds like a change of subject, but he knows it's going to be significant to what he'd just said.
"Because of Sealview?" he asks, refusing to say Harris' name.
"Yeah, I haven't really kept you in the loop like I said I would. I'm sorry. I was struggling for a while. Couldn't sleep or eat or go out on a date. I felt very out of control," she tells him. Noting that his expression is one of sadness she adds, "It's a process, but it's all getting better, I promise. But in instances like today and with Bushido all I can think is that I have to control these situations and my own body before that control is taken away again. If I hand it over, they aren't taking and it's like I have the home field advantage." Saying it aloud makes her cringe a little. She'd been trying to figure out how to put this feeling in words for her therapist and it just rolled off her tongue with Elliot.
"I'm glad you're talking to someone. But, Liv, that's a slippery slope to get on with people like Bushido. Dale is different, no chance you couldn't kick his ass, but Bushido shot me. He could've done a lot worse to you." And Elliot knows that he wouldn't have survived it. He told her, only moments before, that she put her soul on the line in a way he never could, but truthfully, his soul is walking around outside of his body. It lingers with hers. When her soul is damaged, so is his.
"I know. And I'm sorry," she tells him with a misplaced shame in her voice.
"Don't be. You shouldn't be sorry for being brave and selfless. Just be careful—that soul of yours is very integral to this soul of mine, Liv."
And she gets it, what he's telling her—they're soulmates. Now and forever.
~oOo~
2009
She's had a shitty go lately, his partner.
Last month she was almost killed by someone she, as much as he hated to admit, trusted and cared about. If he could get a hold of Porter in a dark alley, he'd beat that smug look right off his face.
Elliot will never forget how close they'd come that day. He cradled her on the ground, checking her over to make sure she was telling the truth—no bullet holes pierced her precious skin.
She thanked Porter after, but he could hear in her voice that she knew. She knew that Porter did something that neither she nor Elliot could do—he risked her life. Elliot would sooner die himself than take that shot.
He was secretly glad Porter showed his true colors, but he hated seeing Olivia so heartbroken. It's not fair that Elliot wants her in such a pigeonhole and he knows it. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. He wants her to be happy, but he can't stand to see her with other men. It's ludicrous and he knows it because he's a married man.
So, the last month with Liv was difficult. She was sadder and more pensive than usual. Elliot was patient. He brought her her favorite coffee—the expensive kind. He made sure they went with what she picked for lunch everyday. He was good to her—she needed to be shown her worth and he was happy to oblige.
Then the flu hit. She was sicker than he could ever remember her being. He hated her being sick and all alone. He'd gone to check on her the first day she called in and found her in the fetal position on her bathroom floor. He'd gotten her up and back to the bed. He gave her Tylenol for her very high fever before running to the bodega down the block for some popsicles. He stayed with her until her fever broke and she insisted he get home to his kids. He feels bad that he doesn't go back to check in on her again—had it been a few years ago, he'd have set up shop on her couch for the week. But now he has a young son at home and his babyhood is fleeting. He settles for calling her every night instead.
Less than a week later, she's behind bars for a murder she didn't commit. She looked terrified when hearing she was going to be locked up.
He knows that Sealview is playing on a loop in her mind and he has to get her out of there.
He does the only thing he can think to do—he refinances his house. And he makes clearing her name his own personal mission.
When it all comes to a head, he's there in time to see her save herself. He stays with her that night. He tells Kathy he caught a case. He hates lying, but he can't imagine how telling the truth about this would ever work in his favor.
He watches an Eddie Murphy movie with Olivia—she wanted to laugh and needed the familiarity of a reliable old movie. When the movie is over, he asks her how she's feeling. Her eyes still look sick—blood shot and heavy.
"I'm ok. These last few weeks have been hard. I think my immune system took a hit from the exhaustion of it all," she sighs.
"You're tough as fucking nails. I swear to God, I don't know how you managed like you did this week. The flu alone would've done me in," he tells her, honestly.
"Man flu is fatal, I hear," she teases.
He laughs and after a moment of silence, he asks a question that's been on his mind. "How'd you do at Rikers, Liv? I know getting locked up couldn't have been easy for you. I know that piece of shit, Tucker, dredged a lot of that back up for you too."
"It wasn't as bad as I thought. They kept me out of gen pop after the threat was made in open court. The atmosphere and the guards though," she shivers before continuing, "definitely brought a lot up. I haven't had flashbacks in a long while, but I've been fighting them since. I'm gonna make an appointment with my shrink on Monday."
"Good. That's good, Liv. Don't let this set you back." The thought of her finally moving on only to be violently thrown back ten steps pisses him off to no end. Not to mention the trauma of being falsely accused. What a nightmare. The entire thing was a fucking nightmare.
"Thanks, El. Think you need to be getting home? It's already 9:30," she asks, always putting his home life ahead of herself.
"No, I'm staying with my best friend tonight. She's been through a lot and deserves a worry free sleep," he tells her.
"You think you can provide that, huh?" she asks, preparing to poke fun at him.
"Yeah, I know I can." He takes her pillow from the other end of the couch and places it on his lap. "Come here, Liv."
She gingerly places her head on the waiting pillow. He pulls a blanket down over her. He turns off the lamp and pushes play on the DVD remote. The movie plays quietly in the background as he runs his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp melodically. She's never felt more content and is sleeping soundly in mere minutes.
He watches her sleep and it strikes him just how much her happiness means to him. Making Kathy happy is nice and all, but it doesn't heal his soul like it does when Olivia is safe and content.
He's bothered by his own realization. He spent a lot of years pretending his love for the woman sleeping in his lap was platonic. Then he spent some years knowing it wasn't and being allowed to pursue it, but didn't. Now, here he is holding the most precious woman he's ever held and he knows he'll never have her completely. He's done hiding his love for her though. He won't cross any lines, but she'll know she's loved.
~oOo~
2011
A cumulation of events leads to a choice he's not sure he will ever forgive himself for making.
A few months back, Olivia had been made guardian of a little boy, Calvin. Of course she'd fallen completely in love with the kid and Calvin seemed pretty enamored himself.
Elliot had a bad feeling from day one—Liv was going to have her heart broken and the thought killed him. He knew how much she wanted a child and she had been unfairly denied the option to adopt. He never really understood why she didn't go to a sperm bank and in the deepest recesses of his mind he believed it was because she didn't want to have another man's baby. That if a child was going to come from her, it would need to be part him, as well. Little did she know that any child that came from her would be a part of him by default—DNA or not.
Calvin was a good kid—perfect mix of sweet and precocious. Smart too—he knew and appreciated the situation he found himself in. He knew that he couldn't find a better person than Olivia Benson to care for him. He'd all but told her that he wanted her to be his mom—he even signed his name "Calvin Benson" on his artwork. Elliot watched his partner beam with pride for her newly appointed charge. He wanted so badly to be happy for them. He wanted Calvin to be with Olivia forever. They both deserved it, each other.
Elliot knew that, as much as he hated it, he had to be the realist here. He had to help her keep her hopes out of the sky because the fall from that high would be crushing. When he knew that it wouldn't be possible, that her ability to keep herself down was no longer there, he determined he would keep his feet on the ground posed to catch her.
And, of course, reality came a knocking. Calvin had parents. He had a father who wanted to know him and grandparents that were willing to raise him. The news was given to her in the harshest of manors and Elliot was left, physically pulling her from Calvin's grip. He whispered, "It was always temporary," like she would hear anything other than. "I told you so."
She collapsed in her chair, crying like he'd never seen her cry. The utter devastation on her face is more than he can handle. Before he can stop himself she is wrapped in his arms, sobbing into his stomach. He kissed the crown of her hair, telling her over and over that he's sorry.
She eventually pulls away and takes a ragged breath. "Why, El? Why can't I just have one thing that I want?"
"I don't know, but gotta know I'd do anything for you to get to keep Calvin. You deserve everything you want, Liv," he told her brushing her hair away from her wet cheeks—a startling juxtaposition from only moments earlier, laughing and playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with Calvin. He took her face in both of his hands and in what was potentially the most intimate position he's ever been in with her, he places a soft kiss to her forehead before wrapping his arms tightly around her.
They both felt it. There is a shift between them—an alignment. They both know they're on the brink of making decisions that could destroy lives.
As they do, they ignore the feelings, but they are more evident than ever to outside observers.
Weeks later, Elliot is sent to Quantico for training and he finds himself flirting with his partner in front of the entire squad. Fin even commented on the obvious infatuation the pair had for each other. "I watch her back, not her back side."
They laughed it off, but they both knew the truth.
Later during the case, Sonya, a woman who Olivia saw as a living iteration of Serena was murdered in a church bathroom. Olivia held her as she drew her final breaths, witnessed her final words. She left the body of her friend in the safe hands of Melinda Warner and started to leave the building. She didn't actually know where she was going. She needed a minute to grieve and take a breath. She wished someone would hold her.
At that moment, Elliot rounded the corner. Taking in her disheveled look, he broke into a jog. Neither of them gave a second thought as she rushed into his arms. She allowed herself a moment of solace in his embrace before breaking away and insisting she was fine. He saw through the façade and called her on it, but the moment had passed. She patted his shoulder, hesitantly, and moved from his grasp.
He wanted to follow her as she rushed out of the church, but he knew she needed a moment to herself. He knew that there was work to be done and that his partner need to steel herself long enough to finish the case. He silently promised her that he'd be there for her in the aftermath when she had the chance to breakdown.
They finished the case together and after all was said and done Sonya's killer claimed responsibility for 44 women. Sonya was, overall, responsible for closing the case. Her quick thinking to bite her assailant and then telling Liv was the ultimate redemption for the sometimes wayward prosecutor.
It was thinking about Sonya, about Olivia's attachment to her, that led Elliot to Serena's gravesite.
And there stood his partner, just as he'd imagined he'd find her. She looked deep in thought as he approached and stood next to her, never announcing his presence.
Olivia took a deep breath before beginning, "Sonya reminded me so much of my mom."
"I know. And I know that makes her death even harder for you," he says softly.
"I suppose. I just, I'm happy that Sonya was able to at least have a moment sober. Im proud that she redeemed herself so fittingly, but I wish…God, what do I wish?" She sighs.
"You wish your mom would've been sober when she died. You wish she'd have had a redemption before death instead of falling down the subway steps. But can I tell you something, Olivia Benson?" he asks, pulling her into his side.
"What's that?" She lays her head on his shoulder.
"Your existence is your mothers redemption. For all of her faults, she managed to give the world one of the most amazing people that I've ever known. You are a hero in her stead, Liv. Out there, righting wrongs on her behalf," he said it in a way that felt true and Olivia's eyes began to swell with tears.
As they fell, he wiped them away with his thumb. Then he did something completely out of character—he kissed them away. After a moment of kissing her tears, his lips land in hers for the briefest of moments. Realizing, what he'd done, he pulled back, like he was burned.
"I'm so sorry, Liv," he told her and she instantly excused him.
"It's ok, El, you were comforting me. It was only a peck from a friend. No worries." She knew she was lying, but it was a lie that needed to be told for them to continue to exist in the plane they are forced to remain in.
"Still, I'm sorry." He felt awkward and was desperate for another out. "Wanna grab a bite before we go home?"
She turned him down, claiming a lack of appetite. He tells her again how sorry he is and she brushes him off before going to catch her train.
Weeks pass and while the sexual tension remains, things felt normal. They manage to get back into the normal swing of things—even managed to get through an undercover gig as a married couple.
In a swingers club.
And boy did it test his will power. Liv was breathtaking and he wanted nothing more than to explore every curve of her body. He felt closer to doing that than he ever had before, but he stopped himself. He didn't want her to ever be the other woman. It wasn't fair to her.
But sometimes what you want to happen is not what actually transpires.
Earlier today, Elliot shot a child. A little girl who had witnessed her mothers murder. Jenna Fox had come to the station house with the intention of killing her moms killer. She brought a gun she bought on the street and opened fire.
Only, she was just a kid so she didn't really know how to shoot. Olivia screamed for her to stop, but instead the young girl swiveled and kept shooting. A bullet struck sister Peg who was standing right beside Liv.
Elliot had no other choice. He shot Jenna Fox. He killed a tiny, traumatized teenage girl.
He'd never forgive himself and he was certain his partner wouldn't either.
After hours of interviews, he found himself at her door. She let him in and pulled him into the tightest embrace he'd ever felt.
He buried his face into the curve of her neck. He could feel her pulse, steady, reminding him of how close he came to losing her directly before he lost himself.
"I'm so sorry, El. I know you didn't want to shoot her," she whispered into his ear, allowing her lips to graze his ear lobe.
That's all it took for him. Her warm breath on his ear sends him directly to the source. His lips found hers easily and she didn't pull away. She deepened the kiss, opening her mouth, inviting him to explore her with his tongue.
His hands followed suit and he runs them under her shirt, pushing it off and over her head. She does the same and the feeling of his skin so close to hers takes her back to Bushido for only a moment. Her fantasy played itself out and for that moment she allowed it to.
He put both of his hands below her ass and hoisted her to him—her long legs instantly find their way around his waist.
He carried her to her bedroom, lips never unlocking. He put her down on her bed and explored her with his mouth. He kissed down her throat and chest before using the front clasp to free her breasts from her black lace bra.
He never thought he'd know the weight of them in his hands or what her silky skin would feel like in his mouth.
He reached for her pants when he hears her say, "El?"
It was quiet and while not completely drenched in regret, he could tell she was going to deliver bad news.
"El, I don't think we should do this. I want to, so badly, but what about Kathy? I can't be this woman." And he can't make her that woman.
He got up off of her and pulled her to him in a hug. "You're right, Liv. I won't do that to you. You've tried to save my marriage a million times and I can't make you into something you're not. I'm so sorry. I just…"
He was at a loss for words.
"You're emotional and so am I. Today could've been it for us. Ya know?" She snuggled in deeper to his chest.
He brushed her hair from her face before speaking once more. "I know we can't go any further than this right now, Liv. But, can I hold you tonight?" he asked her and she nodded. Climbing to the top of the bed and pulling the covers down, neither attempt to put their shirts back on. She lay her head on his chest. He held her close and after only a few moments they both fell asleep.
Now, in the middle of the night, Elliot watches his sleeping partner. She's turned on to her stomach, a position he's watched her sleep in many times in the crib. Her bare back shows in the moonlight. He slowly runs his fingers up and down her spine and she coos in her sleep. Olivia Benson coos at his touch. He can't believe it.
And he can't believe the choice he's about to make.
Olivia deserves more than he can offer her.
She doesn't deserve to be the other woman.
She deserves to be someone's first choice.
He is wholeheartedly in love with her, but he knows she won't have it. She won't allow him to leave his family for her. So, she'll be stuck in limbo. She'll never marry or have kids with him by her side. She'll just be their waiting for nothing—standing by the side of a child killer in her own personal purgatory.
He kisses her back and whispers, "I love you, Liv" to her sleeping form. He takes her in one last time, swallowing back tears before leaving quietly into the night.
He knows that this will be the last time he sees the love of his life and he prays that her heart can take it. He prays that she can find someone who will love her the way she deserves and in the way he so desperately wants to.
He prays nothing for himself—he deserves to feel the ache of his decision every day for the rest of his life.
~oOo~
2012
It's been almost a year since she last saw her best friend. Since the last and only time she felt his lips on her bare skin. She's longed for that feeling every day since.
She's been grieving for almost a year now.
Each stage is easy to highlight in her minds eye.
She remembers the denial—telling Cragen it wasn't so, Elliot wouldn't leave her like this, he just wouldn't.
The anger held on for a long time—the poor newbies. She bit poor Nick's head off and was a complete bitch to Amanda more times than she'd like to admit. It was most likely Fin and Munch insisting she was just "going through a hard time" that kept her in the good graces with her new colleagues.
She bargained with the powers that be; with God; and with a voicemail that seemed to taunt her with its persistence. She just couldn't believe he'd ghost her like this, not Elliot Stabler. She promised him that if he'd just talk to her one more time that she'd never bother him again.
Depression was the worst of all. There were times she could push if aside. Her time with David had been one of those times. He'd made her feel special and loved and she thought, for the briefest of times, he'd help her move on from Elliot. She knows now that was not a possibility. Elliot would remain an ache in her soul for as long as she lived. She just knew it to be fact.
Acceptance was the stage she'd yet to face. She doesn't think she can. The idea of admitting that she has seen the last of a person who defined her isn't something she can do.
She wonders if he ever thinks of her.
~oOo~
Elliot thinks of Olivia every single day. He can still taste her, feel her bare breasts in his hands. He dreams of it often.
He lives with a guilt that he can't explain. He wakes up next to a woman that, for all intents and purposes, has been a great wife. He should be happy with the life they've built, but he sees it only as a lie now.
He listens to Liv's voicemails every few days. They had started as kind sentiments of understanding, but eventually spiraled into something else entirely.
"Hey, El, it's me. I'm just worried about you. We don't have to talk about the other night, but could you just let me know you're ok?" Liv says in the first message he got after missing work the Monday after their night together.
A few weeks later he gets the first of her anger. "Fuck you, Elliot. How dare you have Don tell me you put in your papers. I'm your partner, damn it. Call me." He can handle her being angry better than he can her being sad. He hopes she stays angry with him for a long time.
However, she doesn't, and the final message he listens to destroys him. "Elliot, I don't know what I did to you. Please don't do this to me. I'll do anything for you to talk to me. If you'll just call me back, I promise to never call you again. Please just one call, El. Please."
He stopped listening after that, he couldn't stand it. He is heartbroken, but he knows that if he calls her back he won't be able to go through with his plans and she will never move on.
He accepted a job with Interpol and will be moving to Europe. He had to move on from her, even though he felt it might kill him.
~oOo~
2013
Olivia watches, supine, mostly undressed from her bed as William Lewis stomps his heavy boot on the framed photo of she and Elliot. A photo he'd caught her focusing on instead of the cigarette being plunged into her breast. She'd been trying to disassociate. Of course he'd never allow her any form of comfort.
"I don't know he who is, Olivia, but I can assure you, he's not getting here in time to save you. You're mine," he tells her what she already knows before stomping the shattered frame one last time for good measure.
The photo was one taken early in their partnership—in the days when he promised his loyalty to her; when he told her how great she was despite her parents; when he established that her safety was paramount by always making her blink her lights.
Her mind drifted to another place in time. Sitting in front of her building with Elliot.
"Blink your lights when you get inside."
"You're just gonna sit out here, all night, until I do. You stubborn son of a bitch."
A hard slap to her cheek brings her back to reality. "Stay here, bitch, focus on me." The beast screams in her face.
Her eyes are frantically moving around the room, she's dizzy from the pills and alcohol. She can't focus enough to make any type of coherent plan to get out of this.
She stops looking around when she feels a shard of glass from her broken frame being held to her throat.
"That's it, stop looking around and focus on me. Want me to reopen this scar on your neck? Guess it wasn't quite deep enough to do the job. When I'm done with you, I think that's how I'll finish you off. What do you think of that? Fix a mistake for whatever poor schlub couldn't get the job done?" They're both deadly still for a moment. He removes the glass before licking the length of the scar. "We've got plenty to do before then, though, sweetheart."
The terror builds by the second. With gloved hands, he takes a key from the hot pan he has lying on her bed. "My fingers have healed pretty well, hate to fuck em up again. You're gonna like this though." He shoves the key into bare inner thigh.
She screams as loudly as the gag and duct tape will allow.
~oOo~
Across the globe, Elliot wakes with a start, sweat pouring down his brow and stinging his eyes.
He was dreaming about her. It was fuzzy and he couldn't quite make out the details, but he knew she was hurt.
He dreams of her often, but usually only of her happy—times they spent laughing at Munch or sharing sandwiches. Sometimes he'd dream of her holding her own baby or running on the beach—things he'd never seen, but longs to.
Then there were the dreams of the last time he saw her. Kissing and touching her. Those dreams usually go further than life had allowed.
No, he never has bad dreams about his partner. His brain couldn't fathom anything but happiness for her—it's the only way he can justify his leaving her. She has to be happy without him—she has to be.
He gets out of his bed, leaving his sleeping wife curled on her side. He makes coffee and sits on the balcony of his temporary home in Prague. He's leaving for Rome today, interviewing for an NYPD international affairs position. It's all part of a grand scheme to eventually get him back to New York, back to his kids and back to her.
~oOo~
2014
William Lewis brought Elliot up in his trial. He taunted her with him, just like he'd done months ago in the beach house. It was the thought of Elliot that led her to beating William Lewis. And if she is being entirely honest, it was the thought of Elliot that kept her alive through the entire, horrific ordeal. She only wanted to see him one more time and that hope was enough to make her fight for her life.
After the trial was over she found herself in the courthouse stairwell, crying hysterically. When she was finally calm enough to breath, she got out her phone and called a number that was no longer saved in her contacts, but she knew by heart. She hadn't called it in almost two years. She was surprised that it went to his voicemail.
"This is Elliot Stabler, leave a message." The sound of his name sends a chill down her spine.
After the tone, she speaks. "It's me. I just wanted to hear your voice. I'm really struggling, El. I thought this trial would bring me some kind of peace, but I don't think I'll ever have that again. Not that you care, I just, I don't know—for some reason I still need to talk to you. I'm pathetic, I know. I've never needed my partner in my corner like I do right now. Nick is great—loyal to a fault, but he's not you. I think I had him convinced I was a superhero or something. I maybe had myself convinced of the same. Truth is I need someone to make me blink my lights and comes to check on me. I'm so broken, Elliot, I just…." The voicemail time is up. She takes a shuttering breath and hangs up.
The weeks to come are harder than she can imagine. She breaks it off with Brian—something that was a long time coming, but still hurt, just the same. He'd been by her side through her recovery. He'd put up with a lot. The nightmares were bad enough, but she knows that she's been screaming for Elliot to help her and she knows that's a huge blow to his ego.
Most men couldn't handle all of this, but of course most women couldn't handle listening to their boyfriend get a blow job from a prostitute either.
Olivia decides maybe she's meant to live a life of solitude. Brian told her years ago that she'd never find a man because of the job, that any marriage would be an affair. She supposes he was right.
She's starts counting her life in chapters.
Before Elliot
Elliot
After Elliot
Lewis
She still considers herself in the "Lewis" chapter, unable to move past him, stuck in a never ending nightmare. No closure to be had with the trial ending in nothing but humiliation for her.
So, when she gets a FaceTime from the beast, she thinks she should be shocked, but she actually just feels numb. It's not until he brings a child into the equation that she starts to feel anything at all.
She ultimately saves the child by almost sacrificing herself. She puts a gun to her temple and pulls the trigger. All she can think is that she'll never see Elliot's face again. That if he ever finds out she shot herself, he'll never forgive himself.
Here she is in the last moments of her life, worrying about how Elliot will take her death.
But, in the end, William Lewis took his own life and after a horrible trip through the legal system, she is free of William Lewis.
It doesn't mean the struggle is over.
Everyday is a struggle—a struggle to close this chapter and move on.
Then a miracle happens. A judge, on a hunch, asks her if she'd like to foster a baby.
Just like that she opens her next chapter.
Noah
And suddenly her heart is full for the first time since Elliot left her.
She has a family for the first time ever and she longs for Elliot to see it—to see her get what she's always wanted.
Why does she feel such a strong pull to share her good news with him when he left her in the dust?
She wonders about him, about his kids. She wonders if they know what's happened to her or if they even care.
She takes some time off to spend with Noah—every day she falls more and more in love with this precious boy and the broken parts of her heart begin to heal.
She has hope for the first time in years and she's ready to start living again.
And if that must be without Elliot Stabler she'll have to accept it.
Acceptance. Is her grieving complete? She's not sure, but this is as close as she's come.
~oOo~
Elliot is back in New York for the first time since his move to Europe. He wants to see Olivia. He goes to her apartment and buzzes her number. A thick Brooklyn accent answers.
"Umm, I'm sorry, I was looking for Olivia Benson," he stammers.
"Nobody here by that name," came the response.
"Okay. Can—can you answer a question for me? How long has this been your address?" Elliot is shook, it never occurred to him that she would leave.
"Over a year. Last tenant left after a break in. That's all I know," he answers quickly.
Elliot is stunned. A break in? Maybe she'd moved before hand? He hopes. He can't imagine her moving because of a run of the mill break in—it would have to have been bad or she'd already moved out.
He decides to go by the precinct. He walks into the bullpen and doesn't recognize a soul. He feels like he's in the Twilight zone. Every THING looks the same, but not a single person looks familiar. Instead of Cragen, he sees a younger man with a beard. A blonde female officer and a young Hispanic officer sit at the desks that he and Liv used to occupy.
He looks around for Fin or Munch, but doesn't see either. His stomach starts to churn and he wishes he never came.
He leaves and goes back to Kathleen's where they are staying one more night before going back to Europe. Kathy and Kathleen are sitting at the table drinking coffee when he enters the apartment.
"How'd it go?" Kathy asks, knowing that her husband had gone to visit Olivia.
"I didn't see her," he answers, pouring his own cup of coffee.
"What? Why not?" Kathy asks, knowing how important it was to Elliot to see his friend.
"She moved and I went to the precinct, but I didn't recognize anyone." He's trying to sound nonchalant.
"I wonder if she left town after…" Kathleen stopped abruptly.
"After what?" he asks, his heart beat picking up.
Kathy gives Kathleen a look. "After the shooting in the precinct."
"I don't know, maybe. Doesn't seem like her, really. I don't feel right calling her now, not after not answering so many times." He looks sad. Getting up, he announces, "I think I'm going to go take a shower." He leaves quickly, obviously needing to be alone.
The women wait until the shower starts running before Kathleen addresses her mom. "Why didn't you tell him what happened to Liv? I called you the day they announced the search on TV." She's annoyed with her mother and hurt for her father.
"Your father is already having trouble moving on and it would've set him back. She's okay now anyway," Kathy says showing her irritation.
"How do you know, Mom?" Kathleen is tempted to tell her dad the truth for herself.
"He's dead, the man that got her. She can move on and so can he. Don't say a word about it," Kathy demands.
Kathleen agrees, but shakes her head in disbelief. She knows that moving on from each other is not possible for her dad or for Olivia.
~oOo~
2016
He lives in Rome now. He can't say he's unhappy, per say; he loves the city and feels more at home here than any previous assignment. He'd originally looked into international affairs a few years back, but things didn't work out. Now he's the NYPD's man in Rome. It's actually fascinating work and he's rather amazed by the sheer number of criminal connections between New York and Italy. Some days he feels like he's a character in a movie and he loves it.
More precisely, he loves being able to pretend to be someone else. He loves not being the guy who killed a little girl. He loves not being the guy who almost slept with his partner and best friend. He loves being the guy that didn't leave that best friend like she never meant anything to him.
Most days he's able to completely emerge himself in the work, but on days like today he can't shake the thought of Olivia Benson.
He's been talking in his sleep about her.
Kathy calls him out on it. She is still jealous of their bond—4 years and 4300 miles later. He promises Kathy he hasn't even heard Olivia's voice since they left New York in 2012 and even then only on voicemail.
"Well, she's left plenty of those," Kathy tells him in a knowing way that makes him a bit angry. He wonders if she listened to them—the ones he never could never bring himself to listen to. He wants to ask, but what's the use? It'll just cause a fight and he's done fighting with his wife, if he can help it. He'll at least pretend they're happy.
So, today, he ends up on a video call with the terrorism task force when who does he see, but Odafin Tutuola. He can't help himself—he calls out Fin by name who looks shocked to see him. He tells his old friend to give him a call.
Later that night, he speaks to the only connection he has to the love of his life. He wants an update, but Fin is protective, loyal.
He loves that about Fin.
The only thing Fin reveals is that Olivia is doing really well. She's still with SVU and is actually the commanding officer.
"She gets all the respect she deserves and earned over the years, Elliot. Doesn't really make up for the lack of respect you gave her. It took her years to get past you. So my advice is this—you want closure? Fine, give her a call and tell her goodbye. You want to rekindle a friendship? Get your ass back to Manhattan and do the work," Fin tells him the truth.
"I don't know what I want, Fin," Elliot confesses.
"Then stay away til you do." Fin tells him point blank.
He will follow that advice and promises himself he won't go back for her until he knows what he wants out of their relationship.
~oOo~
2021
Elliot Stabler is back in her orbit.
Actually, he's back in her arms. She's holding him in a tight embrace outside of Kathy's now empty hospital room.
It feels like a fever dream and so do the next several months, the next year, honestly.
It's a roller coaster.
He gives her a letter that feels almost cruel in its depiction of their relationship—that everything they had together wasn't real. The only part that rings true is the last line—"in a parallel universe, it will always be you and I."
He tells her that she means the world to him, but to back off.
He tells her he loves her in front of his entire family during an intervention for his PTSD and then runs away from her.
He dances with her at Fin's wedding and talks to her the entire ride back to Manhattan. He stays on the phone with her when she's run off the road. He's by her side at the hospital when they make a plan for her broken ankle.
He goes undercover and completely ghosts her for three months bringing every single abandonment issue dealt with over the last ten years to the forefront of her mind.
He shows up at her apartment in the middle of the night to tell her that Kathy wrote the letter that broke her heart.
Then the Wheatley trial begins and she's finally honest with him about feeling like she's been pulling all the weight in this relationship.
It clicks with him after the trial and after she helps him save his youngest child's life (for the second time, but who's counting) that she's right and he starts making an effort.
And now here she is on chapter 6 of her life—"My friend, Elliot."
~oOo~
2022
She's been waking up with anxiety at four am, every morning. A heavy nervousness in her chest. The tightness in her breathing often gets her out of the bed and into a warm shower—regardless of the early hour.
It's beginning to take its toll on her.
She makes an appointment with Lindstrom who of course tells her to piss or get off the pot on the Elliot situation. She's not always great at listening to his advice, but when she's randomly told the same thing by Amanda she can't ignore it.
She decides to call him, invite him to lunch.
He doesn't hesitate in accepting her invitation. He thinks he's finally getting some prayers answered.
They meet at a cafe with outdoor seating for lunch. She looks casual, but beautiful in every way. He tells her so and if he didn't know better, he'd say she blushed. But who was he to make a woman like Olivia Benson blush?
They sit and talk for a long time. Nothing of great depth—Noah's dance recital; Eli's big game; Kathleen's promotion; the grandsons' Easter program.
Then he shifts the gears. "I never told you, but I came back home for a couple of weeks in 2014."
He notices a shift in the air and her eyes suddenly look off, hazy. He continues, "I went by your old place, but you'd moved. Then I went by the 1-6 and didn't recognize a soul. I thought you'd maybe left the NYPD," he tells her.
She has a look on her face that he can't read—it's like she just came to a harsh realization. "You sound like the brass now, Elliot. I'm glad you were all wrong. I was strong enough to move past what happened to me without having to run away." She's getting her things together to leave, anger radiating off her when Elliot grasps her hand.
"Liv. What are you talking about? What happened to you?" He's genuinely confused and she can tell. She misinterpreted what he was saying and now they're here about to have the conversation she's avoided since his return.
"You don't know? I thought you meant…" She's starting to calm down. It was her worse fear that Elliot had known all about Lewis and chose to ignore it. The adrenaline that thought gave her leaves her trembling.
"No, I don't. Liv, why don't I just pay for this and we go somewhere more private to talk?" His voice is so kind, the Elliot she knew for so many years is finally making an appearance.
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," she tells him.
They walk back to her place in almost silence, Elliot has is arm looped through hers. Noah isn't home and her place will be quiet.
After getting them each a drink, they take a seat on her couch.
"There's no easy way to tell this story, El. In 2013 I was kidnapped by a serial rapist and murderer. He broke into my old place and held hostage for four days," she tells him like she's pulling off a band aide.
"You, what? I'm sorry, no one ever told me. He kept you there for four days? Were they negotiating that long?" he asks.
Poor, naïve, man assumes someone noticed her absence because he would have.
She chuckles a dark, non humorous chuckle and shakes her head. "No, I was given two days off when the psycho got off on a technicality and went home to find him in my apartment. He tortured me there for two days and then he took me on a road trip. We ended up at a beach house in Long Island. I managed to save myself in the end. My team was close to finding me—they were really trying, but there was so much area to cover. They wouldn't have made it in time."
"God, Olivia, I'm so sorry. What…did he…" He's stammering because he wants to know and the questions just came out of his mouth like he has any right to ask them.
"He beat me. He burned me with things—cigarettes, my house keys, my badge. He cut me with glass from a picture of you and I—the irony of that hurt worse than the physical pain though because at that point he'd forced over a fifth of vodka down my throat and about half a bottle of Tramadol and Vicodin too. It was this bizarre haze. I can't explain it." She can't believe she's telling him all of this.
For his part, he looks like he's going to throw up, he's paler than she thought possible.
She continues on, "The worst part was when he made me watch him rape an old woman. He kept me tied to this chair and told me that if I closed my eyes, he'd burn her. I was so tired, El and I tried to keep my eyes open, but I couldn't. So this poor woman…" she trails off.
"Olivia, don't you dare blame yourself for that. Blame the fucking psychopath who did it. You hear me? That's where the blame lies," he tells her what he would've said years ago, given the opportunity. "What happen to the bastard, Liv?"
She goes into the details—the beach house, the beating, the trial, the escape, Russian roulette in an abandoned warehouse in Red Hook. She covers the grand jury indictment and tells him how Ed Tucker had her back. He puts it all together and they talk about that relationship. He's left with a sense of gratitude for a man he once despised. He's glad that if he wasn't here, Ed was able to help. He supposes it makes up for the years he treated Olivia so poorly.
At the end, a weight is lifted from her shoulders and he feels it. He takes her in his arms, kisses her head and finally gives her some insight and motive into why he left.
"Olivia, I have been in love with you for longer than I care to admit. What we did that last night, after Jenna, I never wanted anything more. I woke up that night and it hit me that I wasn't good enough for you. That you deserved so much more than a kid killer who had a wife at home," he tells her, tears falling down his cheeks.
She snuggles in closer to his chest. "Don't tell me what I deserve, Elliot Stabler. I love you and I always have." She pulls back and takes his mouth to hers.
And just like that, chapter 7 begins—"Elliot—love of her life".
~oOo~
2024
It wasn't a big ceremony, but it was beautiful.
Noah walks her down the aisle, giving her hand to the man who has become his father over the last two years.
He stands to the side with the boy who has become his brother. Eli rests both hands on Noah's shoulders as his father speaks vows to his new wife.
It had been hard, at first, to accept this woman in his life. He missed his mom, but Olivia was special. She didn't try to take his mom's place—she was gentle and kind and loved him the way a mother should. And he fell in love with her too.
So, he's the happiest he's been in a long time, seeing his father taking the hand of the woman who completes his family.
The reception is simple—A large dinner with everyone they love.
Elliot falls asleep that night with the woman he loves. He's never been more content.
~oOo~
2031
Elliot finds himself crying, holding Olivia close in the bed. She wakes and rolls over to face him.
"Hey," she says simply.
"Hi." He pushes her hair from her face and kisses her forehead tenderly.
"Penny for your thoughts?" she asks.
"Just about us. I was thinking about everything we've been through. How lucky I am to have you in my life. I love you more than I can ever explain to you, Liv. I was so proud of you tonight. Every thing you've accomplished—this life we have together. You're so amazing." He can't say it enough.
"You are too, El. I hated the years we were apart, but we're so good now that I can't regret them. I love you. Now sleep. We have an early flight to catch," she tells him.
"Can't wait to see my hot wife in the Caribbean." He kisses her neck.
"Oh yeah, your hot 63 year old wife." She rolls her eyes.
"Liv, you're beautiful and this is going to be the best time of our lives. Ready for this chapter, Liv?" he asks with a smile.
"I'm ready for anything I get to do with you."
She kisses him deeply.
Final chapter—Chapter 9 "Happily Ever After"
