A/N: This is a completely cracktastic romcom idea I had based on my favourite goofy yet hilarious 90s comfort movie, "Blast from the Past" 1999 and of course, "Back to the Future."
This fic will probably be lighter and more simple compared to some of my other stories - and of course, very cracky just to warn you. It will take some inspiration from the movie but deviate in major ways.
Brittany is more ditzy/silly and innocent than canon Britt. I don't see Brittany as being as naïve as this in canon but she's written that way in this fic because she's more like the character she's based off of from Blast from the Past.
Please let me know what you think in the reviews.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the movies/bands mentioned here.
It was summer 1985 and Brittany was back home from her latest tour as a backup dancer for her friend Puck's glam rock band Metal Tiger. It was just a local glam rock band from Lima, Ohio that could never seem to really make it big though she didn't understand why because their songs were way better than anything she had heard on the radio.
When she wasn't dancing, Brittany worked as a video vamp for the other "Lima Loser" metal bands. Secretly, Brittany always hoped that she would be noticed by some record producer and get to tour with a bigger band like Def Leppard or Motley Crue one day - imagine being a Motley Crue backup dancer, she thought, that would practically be winning the lottery - but that was a pipe dream. Years passed and sadly, that day never came for Brittany.
Brittany made a few hundred bucks for the few weeks she toured with Metal Tiger all over the state then she was back home living with her parents and obese cat, Lord Tubbington until the next tour. That morning she was dancing around in just her panties and tank top, listening to Ratt cassettes on her walkman, while balancing a bowl of Lucky Charms at the same time as the TV blared on. It was a carefree Saturday and she was looking forward to her date at the town's only semi decent eatery, Breadstix with her boyfriend, which would no doubt be happening that night.
Brittany was engaged - well sorta like pre-engaged if she was totally honest as he hadn't officially popped the question to her - to minor league hockey player Rick "The Stick" Nelson. Though they had broken up a few times, he was her highschool sweetheart. Rick's ginger mullet was gleaming in the sunlight like a bowl of Cheetos as he strutted up her driveway. The back of his head was starting to look way too overgrown and shaggy even by his standards.
She wasn't expecting Rick to come by so early. The blonde pulled off her headphones and he eyed her scornfully as she let him in.
"Oh you're watching Saturday morning cartoons again," Rick said scathingly. "Wow, Brittany. No wonder your brain is rotting."
"Rotting?" Brittany touched her hand to her forehead, tilting her head sideways in confusion. "I don't think so, it feels fine and I don't smell anything rotting."
Rick didn't respond but gave her a blank look as he often did when she said something that he thought was strange and rolled his eyes.
"Brittany, I think we need some time apart." Rick ran a hand through his hair awkwardly, looking away. Brittany was starting to get uncomfortable. This wasn't the happy reunion she had expected after being away from home for so long.
"Okay, time apart... how long do you need? You can come back in half an hour if you want?" Brittany asked politely. She actually knew what Rick really was trying to say but hoped that her intuition wasn't right.
Rick sighed, giving the blonde another irritated glance. "No, what I mean is... I think we need to maybe not go out on dates for a while, see some new people."
"Oh," Brittany sighed disappointedly. "Are you breaking up with me?"
"Look Brittany, you're a really hot chick and all but it's just that... well, you're not very smart. It was cute at first back in high school but I can't go out with an airhead even if you do have a totally sexy bod. Plus, everyone knows you slept with the entire football team."
Brittany felt her eyes well with tears as she stared down at her sock-covered feet. The socks had tiny unicorns on them. She should have seen this coming after all the times Rick would make some snarky remark about Brittany's test scores back in school, or her lack of college education or lose his patience whenever she didn't understand what he was telling her.
It was official. Everyone Brittany had ever dated thought she was a dumbass. Everyone thought Brittany was stupid. That's all she would ever be - slutty, bimbo Brittany.
"But I thought... you said you were gonna marry me one day." Brittany tried not to sob as she fell into despair.
"I said maybe one day I'd think about it. I'm not really into the whole serious relationship thing, Brittany. I thought you knew that when we started dating."
Brittany choked back her tears, dropping her face into her hands as she fell to her knees.
"I'm sorry. I really am," Rick put his hand on her shoulder as she stared down at the carpet dejectedly. "You're a cool chick, really. Why don't you try reading a book, maybe go back to community college? It could help you."
Someone honked a horn in Brittany's driveway and she gasped looking out the window and seeing a short brunette girl in the driver's seat.
"Rick, who's that?" She asked.
"Oh yeah I forgot to mention the other thing," Rick added, in a casual tone. "I met a new girl. Well, good luck Brittany, I've got to go. Rachel is taking me to practice."
"Oh..." Brittany whimpered. He had dumped her for Rachel Berry of all people. Rachel Berry was a super smart girl...she used to be a geek in high school but she had graduated from arts school and was now starring in a Broadway show. This sure added salt to the wound. "Goodbye then."
Somehow, she just knew this would be the last they would see of each other. When the door was closed again and Rick drove off, Brittany cursed and threw her empty bowl of cereal at the door with violent force. She yelled "You stupid, lying asshole with your stupid hair!", then she broke down sobbing.
Come to think of it, Rick didn't seem half as cool as he did back when he was the head jock in high school and his hair was starting to look ridiculous. Maybe it had always looked godawful but she had just never noticed.
If she was being honest, Brittany wasn't completely saddened to see Rick go but it still hurt to get broken up with again just for being herself. It was probably her fault for always hooking up with guys in bands and meathead jocks. Brittany had always had a thing for the bad boy type and having muscles wouldn't hurt anyone's chances with her.
"Brittany?! What happened?" Whitney Pierce, a curvy blonde, middle-aged woman in her fifties ran in from the kitchen, hearing the commotion and saw her daughter curled up in a ball on the floor, crying. She took in Brittany's depressed appearance, which was uncharacteristic for the girl.
"Rick broke up with me, Mom." Brittany mumbled, wiping her eyes with a tissue Whitney handed to her.
"Oh honey!" Whitney sighed, hugging her daughter as her sobs quietened down. "It's the millionth time this year something like this has happened. You need to find someone to have a serious relationship with! You can't keep meeting guys who want to break up after a month. Your sister's already pregnant with her third baby and your father and I need some grandkids from you too... no pressure of course."
"No duh, Mom," Brittany rolled her eyes. The last guy she dated before Rick was a singer in a local band Brittany had been a backup dancer for and before that, Brittany was seeing a roadie. The blonde had solidified her reputation of being a groupie and a video girl but usually she was proud of this and now she just felt empty.
"Don't worry, Sweetie," Whitney cooed. "It's not you, it's these scumbags. I know the perfect guy... or girl is out there for you somewhere."
"I just don't know anymore, Mom. Everyone I meet ends up being a total dick. It's like this entire generation is just looking to get high on cocaine and hook up with groupies. No one from the 80s is taking anything seriously!" She cried dramatically.
"Then maybe you need to try looking outside of the 80s." Whitney winked and Brittany's eyes widened as she realized what her mother was getting at. She and Brittany's dad, Pierce, were the only ones who knew about Brittany's secret invention.
Brittany suddenly had the perfect plan.
"Mom, you're a genius!" Brittany grinned. I'm sure in the future they have flying cars and they've ended world hunger and they have robot servants who do everything for them. It will be just like The Jetsons but better.
"Look who's talking!" Whitney laughed, ruffling Brittany's hair affectionately.
"I'll be able to find the perfect husband or wife from the future! Tell Dad I'm going away for two weeks. I'll set the timer for just a decade or two from now. Don't worry, I'll be super careful this time!" She added the last part, seeing the worried look come over her mother's face.
"Are you sure, Brittany? You've only taken this... machine for a spin once or twice before."
"Everything will be fine!" Brittany assured her. "I'll take Lord Tubbington along for the ride so he won't get lonely. Plus he'll make sure I get the calculations right this time. He's way more knowledgeable on the scientific mumbo jumbo than I am."
"Oh Brittany, I'll miss you, Sweetie!" Whitney hugged her tightly that night while they put together a backpack with some spare clothes - which consisted mostly of leg warmers and graffiti coats, along with her new acid-wash jeans. "Ask for the nearest Holiday Inn when you get there... oh, and Brittany, if you can… look for someone from Lima Heights Adjacent."
"Lima Heights Adjacent?" Brittany repeated, staring at her in confusion. She had never heard of the place.
"I've just found that people from Lima Heights Adjacent tend to be well...nicer." Whitney explained with a smile, winking. Whitney was a rather eccentric woman so Brittany didn't think too much of her comment.
Brittany grinned back at her, climbing into the secondhand Ford Mustang in the family's garage that she had converted into a time machine.
I'm so sick of the 80s. Maybe people from the future are nicer. Maybe they won't call their girlfriends "stupid" all the time, Brittany thought as she stepped into the metal contraption with Lord Tubbington in tow. She waved at her mom one last time before tearing out of the garage and picking up speed as she drove up the block. This was it, she thought in excitement. Brittany turned the notch to a random year, 2022, without really thinking. There was a flash of bright light and deafening noise.
When Brittany woke up, all she felt was a dull pain in her head and a dizzy sensation. She coughed, inhaling smoke that had been given off during the explosion and climbed out of her car carefully, carrying her meowing cat in his carrier.
"You're right, Lord Tubbington," Brittany smiled, looking around her at unfamiliar surroundings. "I think it actually worked this time! We made it!"
She slipped into her backpack and explored the surrounding area. She frowned, seeing high rise buildings, old cars lining the streets and lots of concrete where she remembered quaint suburban homes and gardens in her neighbourhood. There was barbed wire on the fences and she nearly stepped on discarded needles everywhere she walked. She nearly gagged as an acrid smell reached her nose. Graffiti covered the walls of every building she passed.
She walked for about a mile before realizing with panic that she couldn't remember where she had left her car. Stupid Brittany! She chastised herself.
On her way back, Brittany slammed into someone by accident and gasped, falling over clumsily onto her butt. She looked up in shock realizing that this was the first person she had ever met from the future! Let's hope they're not a mutant...or a robot , she thought.
"Hey you, trying to steal my purse or something, Blondie? 'Cause I'm from Lima Heights Adjacent and I won't hesitate to ends you!" A husky voice threatened.
Brittany swore she would have swooned at the sight before her if she had been a weaker woman. It was her damn thing for bad boys and bad girls getting to her again…
There was a woman standing over her wearing a leather jacket with an angry look on her face, arms crossed over her chest, jangling her car keys. It was difficult to be scared when all Brittany could think was how attractive this woman's full lips and dark eyes and everything were. The stranger looked to be in her early thirties, roughly the same age as Brittany was and maybe slightly shorter but had a lean, muscular build like she worked out. Brittany shivered but not from the cold. She giggled and felt herself blushing.
Wait a minute.
"Lima Heights Adjacent?" There was that name again. So that's what Mom was talking about.
"Yeah, that's where you are, Princess!" The woman huffed, pointing at a sign on the street nearby. "Got lost on your way to the Hamptons?"
"But like isn't Lima Heights Adjacent on the other side of town?"
"Sheesh, are you new around here?" The woman with the raspy voice shook her head. "These streets are all a part of Lima Heights now. It has been that way since the 90s."
"Sorry, I'm from out of town!" Brittany giggled again, standing up and moving in to get a closer look at what a future human looked like. Okay, so maybe she was also checking her out a little too.
"Hey you, don't come any closer!" The dark-haired girl warned, getting into a fighting stance. "I don't know if you're a druggie or a thief..."
"Me? Steal from a total babe like you?" Brittany fluttered her eyelashes and held her hands up in surrender, placing Lord Tubbington's carrier on the ground next to her. Playing the ditzy, cute girl was like second nature to her and it always worked when she wanted to attract someone. She pushed out her chest and noticed the stranger checking her out before looking away, completely flustered, so apparently it was working. "I would never."
The dark-haired woman sized Brittany up for a moment then rolled her eyes and seemed to be satisfied with her answer for now. "Then what are you doing here?"
"I'm kinda stranded," Brittany sighed, deciding to be honest. "I don't know how to get back to my home..."
"Home?"
Santana took in the strange way the blonde was dressed with her perky side-high ponytail, pink scrunchy, and neon pink leg warmers... worn on her arms. Everything she was wearing was neon practically and the obnoxious brightness hurt Santana's eyes. She looked like she just walked off the set of Full House.
Though Santana did appreciate the long, sculpted legs and creamy thighs that the tiny shorts she was wearing showed off. Hey, it couldn't hurt to take a look.
"Hey, the 80s called, they want their hair and clothes and everything back." Santana laughed at her own lame joke.
"That's weird, I didn't hear any phone ringing." The blonde replied, looking completely confused.
This girl couldn't be for real, it was impossible for anyone to be this naïve. Santana facepalmed.
"Nevermind. I just meant, why are you dressed like that?"
"Oh sorry, everyone I know dresses like this where I'm from," The pretty blonde explained. "I wish I could find where I put my...um...car so I'd know how to get home but I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do. My name's Brittany by the way. Brittany S. Pierce."
"Britney Spears?!" Santana jumped back in alarm. "That's your name?"
"That's what I said, Brittany S. Pierce." Brittany repeated slowly, drawing it out. "Why do you look so shocked?"
"It's not everyday I meet someone with the same name as a legendary popstar."
Brittany just laughed but didn't seem like she had the slightest clue what Santana was saying.
"Can you help me find my way back home? Or at least to the nearest... Holiday Inn?"
Santana took pity on her, her heart softening at the sight of the pout on the girl's face. It would be impossible for her to say "no" to that pout and those big puppy eyes, no matter how annoying this all was. Something seemed totally harmless about this blonde despite her weird clothes and even weirder demeanor.
"I'm Santana, by the way," She told the blonde, who was looking at her expectantly. She rolled her eyes. "Do you need to use my phone? Let's go to my car."
"You have a phone in your car?!" Brittany screamed. "A real phone?! Get outta town!"
"It's… in my handbag..." Santana deadpanned, looking at her weirdly and backing away from her slightly.
This was going to be a long night…