A/N: My friend frankenfinn suggested that an alternative title for this part could be: "Santana Being Whipped: The Movie: The Series: The Musical: On Ice: And Knuckles" and I think that's fantastic. So fitting too lmao. Maybe a good alternative title for the entire story. She also gets credit for the idea of Mercedes "calling 911" to report Santana's simpage part. Hilarious XD
AO3: sarcasticscully
This will be more of Britt learning stuff about our modern times that would confuse the hell out of an 80s girl and going on a little "date" with San. It was funny writing about poor Mercedes dealing with Brittana craziness.
Let me know what you think! 3
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee
"Why do you want to go to the mall so much?" Santana asked, finally pulling into the parking lot of Lima's only proper shopping mall, which wasn't very impressive at all. Brittany had begged to go there after they had been to several of the other places on her crazy list. "You can get anything you need online, right? And can you turn the volume down please, I'm going deaf here!"
Brittany gave her an apologetic look, lowering the volume on the classic rock station she was listening to and pausing in her headbanging.
"Sorry, Santana. What do you mean online? What's that? The mall is the most fun place ever!"
"Oh my God!" Santana sighed in frustration, giving her a weird look. She'd have to explain about the online stuff another time but right now she was starting to get whiplash from being constantly confused by this girl and her oddness. "If I didn't know better I'd think you were from another decade, Brittany. How can anyone not know what online shopping is?"
Santana couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious when people started staring at the tall blonde in her bright denim jacket with patches and fluorescent pink everything, her blonde hair all teased and fuzzed up looking like a relic of the past while Santana walked along next to her in her usual black leather jacket over a t-shirt and jeans combination. She put on her shades, hoping no one she knew from around town would recognize her.
"Oh wow…it's so much bigger than I rem- I mean, this is so big!" Brittany gushed. Santana just shook her head.
"Believe me, it's really not."
Santana had to admit that it was cute seeing how Brittany's face brightened and her eyes lit up when they finally went in to the mall. She wanted to check out every single store and practically dragged Santana by the arm into each of them, just wanting to look at everything. Santana saw the blonde gazing at the ice cream shop wistfully and quickly gave in. Brittany kept looking at her but kept quiet as if she didn't want to ask Santana to stop there. It was difficult to handle that sad, longing look on the blonde's face and she couldn't help but think it was cute how Brittany still got excited about sweets like a kid.
"C'mon, Britt," She said, the nickname feeling natural on her tongue for some reason and Brittany gave her this soft smile as she said it that gave Santana butterflies. "Let's go there. I'll um… we can get ice cream if you want."
Brittany beamed at her and that somehow made it worth it. She saw Brittany frown, reaching in to the pocket of her jacket to look for money. Santana put her hand on hers, stopping her and ignored the little tingle she felt when their skin touched, quickly pulling her hand away.
"No, I got it. Let me pay for it. It's fine." Santana told her quietly.
"Really? Thank you, Santana. You've done so much for me already."
"It's um…it's really no big deal." Santana replied, a little flustered.
The truth was, she had no idea why she felt the need to be so nice with Brittany. Santana was never just nice to anyone unless she had an ulterior motive. She paid for the ice cream after Brittany had chosen the flavour, handing Brittany the ice cream cone with two pink scoops on top while glaring at the cashier who was giving Brittany judgmental looks, her eyes lingering on the girl's dated clothes as she snickered.
"Hey, you got something to say?" Santana growled. The woman said nothing, backing down at the look Santana was giving her and they walked away with Brittany holding her ice cream proudly.
To anyone else in the mall, they could be just two friends hanging out but Santana couldn't help but feel that it felt very… girlfriend-y in a romantic sense when she paid for Brittany's ice cream, handing it to her and they eventually sat together in the food court.
It made Santana feel so nervous and shy to think about that she avoided Brittany's eyes the whole time, trying her best to focus on anything else as Brittany continued to look at her with that innocent expression as she finished her strawberry ice cream happily. Santana didn't bother getting any ice cream for herself as she wasn't the biggest fan of sweets but it made her happy to see the smile on Brittany's face.
It was strange how just walking around in a virtually empty mall with this random girl doing the most simple of things was the most fun Santana had in ages. She forgot what having fun that didn't involve drinking or having sex actually felt like.
They finally returned later that afternoon, Santana still shaking her head in disbelief at how curious and delighted Brittany had been with every little thing she saw. She seriously acted like she had never seen a touch screen in a restaurant and she was just staring at all the computers as if everything was new to her.
It was very odd, though Santana did think it was kind of well… cute how thrilled and interested Brittany was with all of the minor, boring things that Santana herself always took for granted.
"That was so much fun, Santana!" She exclaimed when they got back into the apartment after another chaotic drive with hard rock playing at full volume while Santana speeded and cursed out anyone she was impatient with on the roads as Brittany watched her warily. "The mall was just amazing! You're so kind for taking me out to all of those places. I don't know how I can ever repay you for all of this."
"Don't mention it," Santana replied, trying to sound gruff but her voice came out softer than intended, feeling a little flustered by those baby blues again and that happy, innocent expression on Brittany's face. "Just don't… get so excited about stuff in public. Or at least, don't let it show if you are. It's not well… cool. People will think it's weird."
"It's not cool?" Brittany asked, her smile dropping as she got confused.
"No," Santana explained. "It's not. Brittany, you have to look bored or at least, don't act like it's a big deal when you see stuff you like. I still can't figure out how… Antarctica doesn't have all these things they have here. That's where you come from, isn't it?"
"Santana, why don't you at least let me take you out to see a movie tonight?" Brittany asked and Santana noticed how Brittany's voice sounded a little nervous and she was changing to subject again like she always seemed to when Santana asked about what it was like where she came from. "It's the least I can do with what little money I have."
"Oh you don't have to do that, Brittany," Santana chuckled. "It's nice of you to offer but you don't need to spend all your money. Besides, with the way ticket prices are these days, that fifty bucks will barely be enough to pay for one person, by the time we get popcorn and drinks. We can just watch something at home."
"At home? On your VCR, you mean?" Brittany looked around the living room, seemingly confused by the sight of the TV and blu ray player. "Or maybe we can go to the video store to rent something. Do you have cable TV?"
"VCR?!" Santana laughed out loud at that. "Now that's old-fashioned! My Abuela still has one I think but I don't know if anyone else still has them around here. There aren't any video stores around either anymore. Not since the 90s. If you want to watch a movie we can just watch something on Netflix, Brittany, or maybe look for it online. As for cable TV, no one has that anymore either."
Brittany was completely perplexed, staring at Santana speechlessly. Finally she spoke up, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion and Santana cringed at her next words.
"What's a Netflix?"
"It's a streaming app…you've seriously never heard of it?"
At the mention of "streaming" Brittany was even more puzzled.
"Oh boy…" Santana slapped her palm over her forehead, groaning and wondering how her life had ended up like this. "I'm really gonna have to explain this to you too, aren't I?"
Ten minutes later, Santana looked sheepishly at Mercedes when the shorter woman finally walked in from work in her typical blazer, looking very professional and her eyes widened when she saw Brittany and Santana in the living room, the blonde's voice filled with excitement as she read out the names of the movies she was flicking through.
"Hi Santana, Brittany. You guys look like you're enjoying yourselves over there." Mercedes remarked, looking over at Santana questioningly as Brittany was practically jumping around on the couch, almost ending up in Santana's lap while the Latina squirmed.
"Hi Mercedes! Santana just showed me how you can actually watch almost any TV show and movie right here! This is incredible!" Brittany gushed while Santana was eyeing her warily as she kept browsing through the streaming platforms with the remote. "So many choices! And you can just watch them anytime! This is the best invention ever."
"Whoa, wait - don't press so many buttons!" Santana warned her.
"So what did you two do all day?" Mercedes asked, chuckling at Brittany's comments. Santana was silent for a long moment as Mercedes looked at her expectantly.
"Oh um… Brittany needed to go get some things done at the mall and stuff! I just drove her around, you know, totally normal, no biggie!" Santana said nervously and awkwardly, running a hand through her hair.
Mercedes gave her a look that said, "What the hell are you talking about?".
"You took a day off from work to take her to the mall?" Mercedes questioned in disbelief. Santana just shrugged, not knowing what else to say that would make her sound less crazy. "Santana, I've never seen you go to the mall ever. Far less drive anyone around out of the kindness of your heart."
"This is so much better than cable!" Brittany said excitedly in the background.
"Yeah, streaming is a thing," Mercedes laughed, watching Brittany who was still fascinated by all of the options. She arched an eyebrow at the blonde's enthusiasm. It just didn't seem normal. "You'll be staying over for dinner, Brittany?"
Santana looked up, suddenly realizing that she hadn't even discussed what Brittany's living arrangements were going to be and the day was almost over. She just… ugh…she couldn't kick Brittany out right now. Especially not after saying she would help her out with the husband situation.
"Yeah, she is, if that's alright," Santana spoke up, quickly jumping in before Brittany could reply to Mercedes. The blonde was looking at Santana with those hopeful, soft eyes again that made the Latina squirm. "Um… actually Mercedes, the thing is that Brittany needs to crash here for another week or two. I promise she won't be any trouble… she can stay in my room… no, I know what you're thinking, Mercedes… not like that!"
"Santana, can I talk with you for a second? Privately?" Mercedes asked in a serious tone.
She gave Santana one of her looks with her eyebrows raised and lips pursed that said she wasn't going to put up with Santana's bullshit for one more second and gestured to her to follow her. Santana nodded, getting off of the couch and following her shorter, responsible friend into the kitchen.
Santana swallowed hard, knowing that Mercedes meant business. This was it - she was caught. She couldn't pull anything on her mother or Mercedes; they were the only two who could see through all of her tricks and also call Santana out on it without fearing the Latina's wrath.
"Santana, tell me the truth. What in the hell is actually going on here? I'm not stupid or born yesterday. Where did this Brittany S. Pierce actually come from?" Mercedes put her hands on her hips but kept her voice quiet, knowing that Brittany was still out in the living room not far away and although the volume was turned up high, she might still be able to hear them. "No one gets that excited over streaming!"
"Fine, okay… I met her in Lima Heights! I thought she was a thief but she turned out to be an innocent girl and just… she was just so sad and she had nowhere to go and I just thought it's better if I take her home than leave her on the streets and -"
"You brought a complete stranger into our apartment? From Lima Heights?! Santana, are you going insane? How do we know she's not some kind of thief, or a hooker or a serial killer on the loose in disguise? Suppose she tried to kill me in my sleep?"
Mercedes was normally calm and level-headed but she looked like she was ready to strangle Santana. The Latina put up her hands defensively.
"I know, I know it sounds crazy! Just… bear with me on this one. She's not a bad person, okay? I just… I kind of trust her. I know it sounds weird. She's as innocent as a kitten. C'mon, you've seen how innocent she is!"
Mercedes looked at her for a long moment in silence with narrowed eyes, shaking her head and slapped her palm over her forehead.
"I can't believe I'm letting you talk me into this craziness but fine. If you're so hung up on this white chick then she can stay here… just for two weeks though and if she steals any of my stuff we're kicking her out."
"I promise you I'll handle this, Mercedes. Believe me, it's not what I planned either but I can't just ask her to leave. Besides… I kind of told her I'd help her find a husband."
Thinking of Brittany and the term "husband" in the same sentence made Santana's heart plummet and feel like it was shattering into a million pieces but she didn't want to think about the reason why that could be right now.
"A husband?! I thought she was joking about that! Where's she gonna find a husband in two weeks? You of all people are gonna give her dating advice? Santana, when's the last time you had a good relationship? Or any relationship?"
"I'm gonna ignore that last comment," Santana grunted, narrowing her eyes. "I promise you I'll make it up to you when she's gone. I'll… I don't know, do all your chores and pay for your meals at Breadstix for a month?"
Mercedes just shook her head at Santana in disbelief again but there was a small smile on her lips as she finally calmed down a little.
"Alright already, I'll do it - make that two months by the way - but really? All this for a girl you just met?" Mercedes held up her phone and pretended to speak to someone on the other end loudly. "Hello 911? My roommate suffers from a case of chronic simping. Oh, it's incurable? Ok, bye."
Santana groaned as Mercedes laughed in her face after she said this.
"Okay, okay, you've had your fun teasing me. I should have expected the sass but just to let you know I am not simping. Santana Lopez does not simp for girls."
"If you say so!" Mercedes snorted loudly, doubling over in laughter. "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, Santana."
Santana rolled her eyes and followed Mercedes back out into the living room, finding Brittany still mesmerized with her eyes glued to the TV.
"I just don't understand… how is it so thin?" She asked, getting up and leaning over to inspect the big flat screen TV Santana and Mercedes had mounted on the wall. "Imagine making them so thin! This technology is just phenomenal."
"Yeah yeah, it's great. Okay, I think you've had enough of that for one day." Santana said with an amused smile, sharing a look with Mercedes. "What should we have for dinner?"
"Hmm…how about fast food?" Brittany asked in her soft-spoken voice. "Is there a burger place around here?"
"I could go for a cheeseburger," Mercedes agreed. "This one over here hates cooking, just so you know, so we order in a lot unless I'm the one who cooks."
"Oh, there's no need for us to go out. We can just order in." She explained, stopping Brittany when she was about to get up to put on her jacket and heels.
Fifteen minutes later the three sat around on the couch, digging into fast food burgers and fries. Brittany had been fascinated by the ability to get food delivered - "You mean you can just order literally anything from any restaurant on that internet thing and get it delivered?" .
Now Brittany was giving Santana that look like she had something on her mind that spelled trouble again.
"Santana, sorry I don't mean to rush things but... can we get started on the search for a husband thing?"
Santana's smile dropped. She was having so much fun just hanging out with Brittany, letting the blonde finish her leftover fries, that she hadn't even thought of that other thing that she agreed to help her with.
"Of course. I know exactly what to do," Santana replied confidently with a smug smile while Mercedes cast a highly skeptical glance in her direction. Santana always loved a chance to brag about how good she was at this type of stuff. "First we need to take some good pics and set you up on an app."
"What's an app?"
"You know... an app on your phone. You've never used a dating app before?"
Brittany shook her head with a bewildered expression and Santana facepalmed, realizing she had her work cut out for her. Mercedes just chuckled at the two of them nearby, watching everything go down with great interest. Such a yenta, Santana thought.
"So let me get this straight... I just put my picture in this thing and someone will date me?"
"Hopefully. Your profile will help too. You gotta keep swiping because there are a lot of losers you don't want. Ugh, this is just gross; maybe we should have asked Mercedes to help you with this part instead since she's straight."
"What about this guy? He's handsome."
"Ew no! He looks like an fuckboy!" Santana scowled, feeling the disgust rise in her and a whiny tone entered her voice. It was immature but she kind of just wanted to break her phone and throw a tantrum because this was annoying. There's no way Brittany should go out with any of these losers. Over Santana's dead body was she gonna let that happen.
"What's a fuckboy?" Brittany giggled. "A boy who fucks? Hopefully they all will do that."
"No, I mean like a playa..." Brittany still looked at Santana in confusion as she said this.
"A womanizer!" Santana explained, repulsed by the mental image Brittany had just presented. "A guy who hooks up with lots of girls and uses them then throws them away. A dude who plays with women's emotions but only wants sex. I don't know, Brittany; the truth is, what I'm seeing is that they're all terrible. We should just delete this app. In fact, let's delete all the dating apps."
Santana heard Mercedes snort in the background and she looked like she was holding back a laugh as she shook her head at the Latina, clearly overhearing their entire conversation but not interfering. Santana ignored her.
"But they seem nice," Brittany pouted, pointing at the conversation she had started with this one guy. "This guy said he thinks I'm pretty and he wants to meet up sometime."
"No trust me, it's terrible and that guy just wants to get into your pants!" Santana insisted, glaring daggers at the image of the smiling musclebound gym rat flexing in front of a mirror who Brittany was showing her. None of these guys were good enough for Brittany, clearly. Santana quickly typed out a quick reply when Brittany looked away, pretending to be the blonde: "Not in a million years because you're ugly and I hate you…" she wrote.
"I don't know what to do!" Brittany cried, sounding like she was in despair. "This app thing really isn't working for me. Maybe I did it wrong."
"It's not your fault, Britt," Santana replied, "It's just that those guys are all creeps. Hey, maybe you just need to meet your future…husband in person. There's a really cool club we can go to with Mercedes and her boyfriend. I think it will be just your style."
"Okay, San." Brittany sighed, smiling at her sweetly as they put the phone away, brightening up when she realized all hope wasn't lost. "Whatever you think is best. You're so smart. I trust you."
Santana felt her face heat up at Brittany thinking she was smart. She did feel a little guilty about deliberately ruining the dating app thing for Brittany but she reasoned that it was for the blonde's own good that she was preventing her from getting targeted by those fuckboys. She just couldn't let that happen.
"You're welcome. Good news - Mercedes agreed that you can stay with us while you're here. Let's um... get the air mattress set up in my room. That couch is killing my back so we're going to have to sleep in my room... if you're comfortable with that."
"Oh my God! That's so rad!" Brittany looked like she wanted to hug her again but was holding back after Santana gave her a cautious look. "You and Mercedes are the best people from this place for sure. You're truly such good people."
"Thanks, Brittany," Mercedes chimed in with a smile, overhearing them talking. "You seem pretty nice yourself but if you don't mind me saying, while your fashion choices are certainly vintage, I think you'd...fit in better if we get you some new outfits. That will probably help you with the husband searching too. Santana, we should take Brittany shopping for clothes asap."
Santana saw the way Brittany beamed when Mercedes said this, probably excited about the thought of going back to the mall again. Again, she couldn't find it in her heart to tell her no.
"Okay, fine, fine." She grumbled, giving Mercedes a dark look. She could just sense that she would be spending all her money on the blonde within the near future and the worst part about it was that she was strangely okay with this arrangement. Maybe Mercedes was right and she really was going crazy.