My memories of father's death get more and more distant each time I revisit it.
When I was younger I was able to recall more memories, replay them like a world I had indeed lived through and with the remembrance that this picturesque family life inside my head was something that I had once, that I did indeed live through. Like I could call them something I knew.
Years of giving talks about the tragedy of a parent's death at such a young age and needing to do the braver and better thing by moving on, giving representations in front of impressed seniors about the stoicism of pushing onwards in spite of a parent's death, and it's greater importance in the world of District 13 blurred the lines between reality and make belief. It is with a bit of a horrified headache that I cannot remember anymore which memories are mine, and which are fabrications, started of innocently enough to 'twist unglamorous real life memories into tantalising ones others would want to hear about', but which ultimately took on a life of their own, and the bitter throbbing headache that awaits me if I try to untangle these web of lies.
Which I don't, most of the time. It confers me no advantage; no one besides my family (and perhaps not even them) know that some of these memories are made up, and each talk opens up more opportunities to advance my political career in District 13 and get closer to my life's ultimate goal, so who am I to turn down the free publicity and press this life event so thankfully gave me?
It is not my least favourite topic to talk about as it brings me some advantage when I do, it is not my favourite topic to talk about as it's not as straightforward as some other topics and thus is less efficient to manage and talk about in certain situations, but yet it has seemingly followed me throughout all important moments of my life. Anything significant, anything requiring one to dig deeper within to sway events in one's favour, anything requiring an extra spark of something to court the favour of multiple people - it has always been the topic of my father's death that seems to gather people's interest, rifle them up, and ultimately - propel me to the top. So I find myself giving the same speech, not too much, people would tire of hearing it so often, but just enough to gain people's favour as it always had, at all of these life's important moments.
Now at the age of 22, first year after I'd graduated from university and so close to getting on District 13's government as a politician starting from the lower ranks, I found myself giving the same speech as I always had, in front of tens of rows of senior people who were previously in District 13's government. Some of those faces I'd recognised and built good relationships with in the past. Some I hadn't but had only followed for decades on end, watching from the shadows without them watching me, but all of whom I ultimately intended to please and impress tonight - it was vital I get my foot through the door. If I didn't get enough votes I wouldn't be eligible to be on District 13's government board this year, and I'd have to wait an entire year before I can apply again.
It's not unheard of to have to wait several cycles to get in government. Lesser people have done that, and I do have a backup plan in place if I don't meet my goals, but I don't want to have to use it. It is simply more convenient if I get in and I'm hellbent on this goal. Nothing can stop me.
A round of applause breaks out and thank yous fly in my direction. I have finished giving my speech and while it is not old for this particular group of people haven't all heard it together yet, it is not without the understanding that I was using this topic to prove a point, about me, about my morals, my values, as a stoic citizen of District 13 that will lead us to rise above the horrible and treacherous Capitol, and I know I have made an impact on the many tired faces I see before me today. District 13 was sick and tired of having to live underground and suffer to etch out a miserable existence with the meagre ways we had to continue living, of the Hunger Games which was put upon us all and whom none of the Districts had the power to stop, and the way the Capitol indulged in all their lavish luxuries at the District's expense. There were strong sentiments of hating to be picked on, the weak one under the Capitol's thumb, and they had been rolling for decades in District 13's government, and anyone who had the spirit to rise above the Capitol and contribute towards the eventual rebellion we had all known was coming was seen as a welcome addition to the government.
I took my seat again and tried to smile my way through the rest of the speeches by the candidates - some older than me. Knowing I'd nailed mine to a certain degree (the few who weren't sure of me could be worked around, charmed, or taken care of later...all that mattered was that I get a majority of votes so that I would be in). I basked in a little bit of contented ease and glory as I sat through the rest of the presentations. Perhaps it was calling it too early, but I did have a good feeling about everything today, starting in the summer immediately after my graduation from university.
"And now, for our final successful candidate of District 13's government...Alma Coin. Representative of communications," Elijah Raine was a man in his late 50s who was the current President of District 13. He was taller and bulkier than most District 13 citizens, which was a bit of a sore point for very few people in District 13 looked like they had bulk to spare, rations had to be tight to ensure our continued survival on the little resources we had over the decades, and the little bit more he received, likely from growing up in a richer home and with family that had been in the government for a long time was showing through much to some people's secret resentment, though no one talked about it in public. He was more colourful than most District 13 citizens, having naturally rosy cheeks that I stared at month after month when I saw him give speeches on the soapbox in District 13 growing up to determine that they were naturally rosy afterall, and weren't some engineered thing from a few pieces of makeup or anything, as well as the most golden blonde bed of hair as possible. I'd overheard others refer to him as handsome more than once in my lifetime, that was more than any of the other politicians in District 13's government, and some even made suggestive comments about what a good husband and father he must be, and how wonderful it would be if he could replace their current significant other as a spouse. Said jokingly of course, but I didn't recall the same comments made in jest about any of the other politicians either.
Elijah held people's respect somehow, his father and mother had seats in government for a long time before him, but when he came of age, he just rose to the top according to everyone who wouldn't shut up about him, natural charisma, great care and love for the people. He laughed more often than the average District 13 citizen, told more jokes than anybody else, and seemed to charm the hearts of people wherever he went. He was currently the beloved president of District 13, according to everyone, and was the position that most often read out these announcements.
I didn't like him, but there were so few people that I truly liked if you got down to it I didn't think it mattered much or was anything unusual. It wasn't like I liked most people.
I kept a polite smile on my face as I stood up and gave a regal wave, letting everyone see me so they could easily match a persona to name, and thus it would be easier to build up reputation and relationships among the government and eventually meet my goals...
There was polite clapping, a few curious and appreciative glances thrown my way, then I sat down again and after Elijah read out a few more obligatory celebratory comments and things, we broke up for some more talk. I said thank you to many compliments, reaffirmed my practiced opinions on many things today, and shook hands with more people than the total number of hand sanitisers I'd ever seen in one place.
After which; I was free to leave. I did not truly build much relationships today for they took a little longer than that, and I had still stuck to the script for the most part, out of all of today's activities, so there was little room to truly go above and beyond it, but I did not ruin any reputations and I had achieved my goal of getting in the government board (or perhaps evaded my worst nightmare of not and having to wait another year, another cycle before I could...) so all in all it was not a bad day.
A sharp voice cut through my thoughts when I arrived home in my underground apartment that I shared with my older sister Bellamy and mother.
"How did it go? You look happy," Bellamy's voice floated over quickly, and soon came her hands as she wrapped them around me in a hug. We could be twins, Bellamy and I. We had the same face, the same general look. Except Bellamy was about several inches taller and a great deal curvier than I was, with an ever so slightly warmer vibe to her which came from her personality as well, but otherwise we looked like carbon copies of each other, just one stretched a little. I was unmistakable as her slender and more serious younger sister, with my pin-straight hair and solemn demeanour. I loved that difference as we grew up. The way we could quickly be identified as siblings but yet differentiated all at the same time. And the fact that I often thought I got the better of the two. Most people thought I was Bellamy improved, just like her but with more ambition, intelligence and cunning, which she lacked despite being the oldest born. She was older than me by four years, but we took different paths after our father died when we were both quite young in our childhoods, so I often felt we were worlds apart growing up, and she was not quite a confidant nor a soul sister, but she was one of the closest people to me in my life, and very useful too.
She had helped me the most with things in my life than anybody else, and I never wanted to let her go.
"There was a broadcast in the afternoon. I thought you said you would be keeping track of things more, now that my political career has really had the opportunity to take of after university," I told her in neutral tones. I usually spoke neutrally, in a cool, calm and collected voice because nothing ever surprised me, and so this wasn't an out of the norm response from me. I usually spoke about the facts and bare necessities needed to get points across, maximum efficiency was just my preferred way in life and anybody who knew me well was accustomed to expect these sorts of responses from me.
"I'm sorry? You mean that old radio show? You know it's 95 percent waffle and 5 percent something actually useful. I really find it hard to listen to it..." poor Bellamy was usually happy, cheerful, blustery, chirpy, that was her usual tones with family and friends, though she took on a more serious manner around me sometimes. Now I was hearing one of the first cracks in her voice - she usually didn't let up with her cheerful demeanor - one that I hadn't heard in a long time, and I recognised indignance on her face.
"I'm sorry. I must've have been thinking straight. I don't listen to it myself so I can't know what it's like to be on the other end listening to such a show-" I began, going through the usual apologies that I had to do in slightly contentious situations like these. It was true I didn't listen to it, I received all the information straight from my meetings and conferences, but if I didn't I would be the sort of person to tune in eagerly every afternoon, but it seemed Bellamy didn't know that, or feel similarly enough herself to appreciate that sentiment.
"Because you're there, doing the real thing," Bellamy had a big smile on her face as she looked affectionately onto me. I recognised a glint of pride in her eyes. There were so few things to be proud of after father died. He was also in government and one of the biggest names of the family. Mother worked as a lowly secretary for no one important and Bellamy preferred her family and friends as a point of devotion. I was sure her life's goal was to become a mother and raise a happy family, which wasn't a bad thing for population problems were one of District 13's key issues through the years, but not one that proved to be of much use to me and my goals in this life, so I couldn't pretend she did more for me than she actually did with that.
"I won," I told her, "starting from today I work 5 days a week as a representative for the Communications Department of District 13. I shall be excited to see what is actually done beyond the minimum information they could give me throughout my university degree and internship. It won't be anything like I've seen before."
"That's great," Bellamy had a large smile and even more of a sparkle in her eyes, as she gave a small jump up and down and clapped a little, "Congratulations! How did you do it?"
She listened eagerly to the story as I helped her cook dinner. Whoever got home first from work cooked more, but oftentimes the other wouldn't get back late enough that the first had completely finished cooking so we usually completed it together. It provided us a good bonding time, keeping each other updated about our daily lives and talking a little. Mother was a little too feeble to cook anymore so Bellamy and I took the lion's share of the cooking and housework, but we always had dinner together as a family every night, and then tea after. It was tea time that we talked about mother's day, life in District 13, our plans for the future, and the more intimate parts of our life. I quite liked these moments, I couldn't exactly put my finger on a reason why, but I just did, and there was no reason to cut them away so I kept them and mildly looked forward to them every day.
"You used father's death tale again?" It was the saddest I heard Bellamy be all evening. There was a sharpness to her voice and an abrupt stopping motion to the pot she was washing up after our cooking of dinner that I recognised as something seriously wrong with her. I felt a bit of anxiety flood through me. Bellamy and I had deep disagreements on the use of father's death as a talking point. It had never been something I could fully get her to come around to or understand me, and she couldn't me either. Besides this we didn't have much more fights or anything that broke the veneer of the perfect sisters who always got along and were the picture perfect family who kept each other going together after our father's tragic death in our youth.
"You know I have to, people keep asking. They wouldn't forget after the first time I talked about it in public due to more people prodding. At this rate it's more unusual if I don't make any sort of comment on it besides the usual. Besides, I thought we talked about it? I picked all the good memories to talk about," I said. We had been through this conversation before so there were no new points, just rehashing old ones that we'd argued over enough before it all felt like summaries to me.
"I know," Bellamy bit her lip, "I know you feel it...inspired you, gave your life a purpose, whatever. The stories you tell are breathtaking. But you didn't...live through some of them. Some of the memories you talk about, how could you remember? You were so young?" There was the same accusatory heavy tone she always had with this, and me, the same defensive tone I always had.
"I have a good memory..." I told her, "surely you would remember that." Childhood accolades of great grades and rewards flashed back. School, like many things, had always been easy for me.
"I know. I know what you say and I know you do remember things remarkably well for your age ever since you were young, I always knew that. It's just...I don't believe it half the time, but I tell myself not to worry because your memory's always been the greatest and why am I getting upset about a good thing? You remember all those family events in great detail. It's just...I worry sometimes. That you focus on it so much despite being so little when it all happened. I know I couldn't have when I was your age..." the worry she had been suppressing showed up on her face. Always when this topic came up.
"We are different and my take of it all feels as natural to me as it does you. I assure you I'm perfectly happy and well-adjusted with everything as I always have been, and you'll be the first to know if I have any difficulties with that tragic life event I shall wish to discuss. Anyway, it was a mix of going through the motions at work with politics as it always did. I didn't really care for it. Not like that," I added quickly upon seeing her face change, "I do care. I love a happy family. Picture perfect. I really wish father would've stayed alive for longer and we would've been the most perfect family, ever. I...sometimes have thoughts of an alternate reality where he's still alive I tell no one but myself, and you...but it's just. There's standards in public for talking about these things, and I adhere to them practically and smoothly. I managed it like I always did and it worked out well..."
Bellamy seemed calmed down, especially when I mentioned that I did care and loved a happy family and the rest. I told no lies. I did like happy families, picture perfect lives in society, and I had always wished I had two parents to stand beside me in every family photograph, but Bellamy was always touchy and upset about this topic anyway. Her own emotional reasons that didn't make sense to me so I suppose I was relatively lucky today that she wasn't even worse with her comments on it, even though this conversation so far had been grating.
"Well alright. If it helped you find more of a purpose with things and inspired others to take after you or vote you in," Bellamy straightened up with a smile as she continued scrubbing, "I suppose I'm forgetting how much it meant to you. Horribly cold places politics...I'm sorry, I just found it hard to imagine it was a nice conversation in the midst of it all and everything. I suppose I shall never know what I didn't personally experience, I've never really set foot in that sort of place..."
"You would be better at it than you think," I said, "I've always said you had potential in other places, just that your values are different."
Bellamy was more interested in helping people and healing ever since we were kids. She worked as a nurse for District 13's military. We always had one that was ready to go and had been training virtually the first few years after we went underground and got our bearings together, but there was little opportunity to send them of into battle or anything with the way things were going now. Still, there were always enough injuries, illnesses, births and deaths in the District for her job to be very important indeed, and Bellamy was busy and tired from work most days, despite taking a lighter load than many due to her preferences.
"I wouldn't like it," she said with a bit of a slow chuckle, "that's the one place I couldn't take it..."
"Well luckily I take it all for you," I said, "if anyone asks if anyone from this family is going into politics, that'll be me so you're spared of any expectations there."
We both chuckled for a long time at this, an old comforting running joke between us. How I did love those familiar conversations and times we had as sisters sometimes.
"Alma got voted in as communications representative of District 13," said Bellamy to my mother over dinner - it couldn't wait for tea. "The news came out on the radio in the afternoon but I wasn't listening. I never listen to that channel, but she knew a little before it was broadcasted there and told me about it when she got home. Oh, isn't it exciting? We've always said Alma will go onto do something great with her life, but we could never expect it so soon," Bellamy sounded happy as she clapped slightly and poured some more melted butter over her mashed potatoes.
"What's that?" my mother asked after a few happy claps. She had always been a little feeble and ill of health, both physically and now it seems mentally as well. Her brain was slowly down in old age, and whereas I remembered her being more useful and lucid when we were younger, she seems unable to put two and two together as much now, a little slow and in need of explanation, but benignly happy for everything and everyone all the same now. I liked her, she was everything a mother should be, warm and caring, always looked after us the best she could after the early death of our father, kept up great family appearances as a caring matyr in public, and even now I liked the warmth she bought to conversations, even if her mental state meant she didn't understand things as easily as before. It was never really a problem for she was in no position to be in charge of anything much, so there was no need for her to understand anything that she wasn't fulfilling.
"The junk radio show. No one listens to that channel. I never thought District 13 would ever have excess or junk anything, but turns out it does - in the form of a useless radio show," Bellamy said. I gave a dry chuckle and mother did too.
"Communications, one of the most prestigious departments of the District. Sometimes there are more representatives from the same department voted in as the main governing body of District 13. Elijah Raine comes from communications," said Bellamy, waving a forkful of mashed potatoes around before putting it in her mouth.
"I don't see him and I have no schedules to work with him on anything for at least several years," I said, "he might as well not exist to me for the contact we do have together and just because I'm on the government doesn't mean I have equal chance to get to know everyone. I'm no closer to him than anyone else in the District."
"Doesn't matter. It's amazing to even work in the same department as him. He was doing what you were doing at this age, maybe even older," Bellamy always had a penchant for looking on the bright side.
"You can marvel at how handsome he is in close quarters," was my mother's final happy closing thoughts on this topic.
"Yes yes, while I hope to ultimately end up with someone more appropriate closer to my age," I said, placating her a little.
"I didn't mean..." mother prodded her meal unhappily.
"It doesn't matter, I'm sure Alma will have a wonderful time working there. Say, I heard there's new developments in quantum physics. This means more faster telephone calls and internet for all. I can load the newspaper faster..." Bellamy's voice trailed away as we moved onto other happy topics for the rest of dinner.
This, was a happy, comfortable and content life I lived.
AN: I had some headcanons for District 13 and wanted to write a story set in it. President Coin also grabbed my interest a little in canon and I wondered what sort of personality would be so bad to want to take over Panem as the next dictator and thought it was interesting to explore it. I HATE her character but it's fun writing such an extreme character like this. Please review, it'll mean a lot to know if there's people who want to read more of this from chapter 1.