Pt. 2
As the night progressed, Olivia was in awe of how normal it all felt. You would think that after over a decade apart there would be awkwardness. Yet somehow, here she was with her son amongst all the Stablers feeling like they'd done this a million times before. In one day, her son was already enamored by Elliot and his family. Hell, they even had inside jokes! Something about a crab and a minnow and a terrified Dickie. Olivia tried to keep up, really she did. But between the three beers she'd had, all this time in the sun and the closeness of Elliot, she was feeling dizzy.
Elliot was sitting directly next to her and his arm had either been around her shoulders or his hand was resting on her leg. At one point, he even took her hand, threading their fingers together. She'd stopped breathing when he did that. Looking around, expecting to see angry looks from his children, especially Eli. Yet it seemed like they either hadn't noticed...or they didn't care.
Kathleen had told her she approved, that all her siblings approved. But was that true? Losing your Mother was a difficult thing to process. It was even harder to watch your widowed Father start dating again. And adding to the confusion and hurt, it was probably worse that the person he was clearly choosing was his former partner. The woman who everyone assumed he was sleeping with all through their partnership. The woman who his now deceased wife clearly felt threatened by. So much so that the only way she'd agree to come back to New York and let him see her was if he wrote that damn letter…
What we were to each other was never real and that we got in the way of each other being who and where we needed to be…
Olivia flinched as the words swam through her mind. Elliot had written it, but it was Kathy's words. She must have hated her. Even after all this time. And then, she'd come back here and less than a day in, she was attacked. And now she was gone. Kathy was gone and Olivia was the one sitting here among her children, beside her husband.
"Mom?"
Everyone was staring at her, she could feel it. Her cheeks were burning, her heart pounding. She felt a panic attack coming, the kind she wouldn't be able to stop and her son knew it. As much as she tried to shield him from it, he'd seen more than a few of these and she had to get the hell out of here before all of Elliot's kids saw it too.
"I-I I'm sorry. I think...I think I need to-"
"Hey, why don't we go for a walk?" Elliot asked with a smile, "I had far too much to eat and could use the exercise."
She glanced up at him, suddenly unable to move. "Um…"
"You know, we should get a head start on these dishes." Maureen said to everyone in the room, "Who wants to help me? The faster we get it done, the sooner we can make s'mores."
Suddenly everyone jumped up, except for Noah, Elliot, and Olivia, filing out of the room. Kathleen hung back a moment, "Noah, you coming buddy?"
Noah looked unsure, afraid to leave his Mom when she was clearly struggling. Olivia hadn't moved an inch and Elliot put a reassuring hand on his arm, "I got this Noah. Go on."
Noah turned to him slowly, "You won't give up on her?"
Elliot shook his head, "Never."
Taking a shaky breath, Noah stood up and followed Kathleen to the kitchen. When he was gone, Elliot turned to his former partner and best friend. He could see she was still trapped in something. Her eyes were glossed over, her tan skin pale, her hands shook slightly and her breaths came in quick, shallow little pants. He knew this feeling, he knew it all too damn well.
"Liv." She didn't move still, and he leaned closer, lowering his voice, "Olivia, can you hear me?" It took her a moment but she nodded, letting him know she was still with him, "Good, good. Will you take a walk with me?"
Turning her head towards him she whispered sadly, "Just a walk?"
He couldn't help himself, so he shrugged and whispered, "For now."
Despite all the emotions overtaking her, his words made her smile and she laughed, "You're annoying...you know that?"
He smirked and gave her another little shrug, "Got you to come back to me though...so it was worth it."
She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, listening to the kids and Bernie laughing in the kitchen, "Elliot…"
He leaned in closer still, "I just want to take a walk with my friend. Is that so bad?"
Chewing on her lip, she knew she couldn't say no, "Okay."
He let out a little shaky breath, stood up, and held out his hand. He watched as she stared at it, still slightly hesitant. But he smiled and gave her fingers a little squeeze as he pulled her up off the sofa. It felt so natural as he threaded their fingers together. By the back door, he grabbed a light blanket and draped it over his arm as they went down the back staircase.
She followed his lead, knowing he wouldn't steer her wrong. As her partner, he never had. She always trusted his instincts. Believed he had her back, that he would never let her get hurt. And yet, he had shattered her heart into a million little pieces as they walked along the sand towards the shore. His large warm hand in hers was so comforting which was ironic because her brain was at war with itself.
He seemed to sense it, as usual, he could read her like a book. Even after a decade apart, no one else understood her the way he did. How many times had she lain awake at night in the decade they spent apart wondering if wherever he was, was he thinking of her? Would he know that she was thinking of him right this very moment?
Yesterday he had mentioned seeing her everywhere. She had lived that too. Especially when she had been…
She froze again, faltering slightly in the sand. He turned with her, watching as those demons started to eat away at her again. They'd been walking in silence for the last five minutes and he hadn't pushed. But, now he was beginning to worry again. She looked so torn, scared and it was not a look he was accustomed to seeing on Olivia Benson's face. As long as he had known her, she was always so strong, resilient, and fearless.
Once again he wondered, what had happened in the ten years that he was gone? What had he missed? What had she gone through, faced all on her own when he should have been beside her? "Hey...I'm losing you again, Liv. Stay with me."
She heard his voice, but between the battle in her mind and the crashing waves, it all sounded so muffled. It was like he was underwater, somewhere far far away. Like he was gone again. A lump formed in her throat and a whimper escaped her lips. Before she knew what was happening though, she felt two strong arms wrapping around her, pressing her firmly against his body, "I got you Liv. I'm right here. Okay? Right here."
He was rocking her back and forth and she couldn't help herself. Her own arms wrapped around his waist and she buried her face into his chest. Breathing him in, she tried to bring herself back to the present. How often had she dreamed of falling into his arms after a hard day? Letting the steady beat of his heart lull her back to reality she let the words escape her lips without hesitation, "But for how long?"
He stopped moving, and his arms locked tighter around her as if he was afraid she'd run off, "What?"
Her fingers dug into his waist and she whispered, "You said you've got me. That you're here. But...for how long?"
Pulling back slightly, he still held onto her, knowing she needed his touch right now but he also needed to see her eyes. "Olivia…"
She shook her head slowly, sucking in her lower lip before whispering, "You're here now. But what happens when you leave again? What happens when you get bored and take off to some other place and never call me again?"
He rubbed slow circles on either side of her hip, feeling the thin material of her white sundress, "Liv…"
"Only this time my kid would be involved. And he'd be devastated because of course after two meetings he's fallen under your stupid spell." She shoved him, hard and he stumbled in the sand, "And that's…that's not fair Elliot. He's just a kid. He doesn't deserve to be…be thrown away like a piece of trash."
He frowned and dug his feet into the sand below him, "Is that how I made you feel?"
She blinked a few times, rocking back on her heels, feeling the alcohol in her system and lack of food despite Bernie pushing her to eat more. "What?"
"Is that how I made you feel? Like I threw you away like a piece of trash?" He watched as she swallowed hard, "It's okay Liv…you can say it. In fact, I think you need to say it. Let it all out. It's the only way we're going to…move forward."
"You sound like my shrink." She said with a growl, "He basically said the same thing."
Elliot's heart jumped in his chest and he couldn't stop himself, "You talk to your therapist about me?"
She grimaced and pinched the bridge of her nose, "You seem to always come up. Even if I don't say your name…it all comes back to you."
He cleared his throat nervously and whispered, "I've…talked to mine about you too." She looked up quickly, clearly surprised by his words, 'About my feelings for you. About how I regret…the way I handled things." When she still didn't move he asked again, "Liv…is that how I made you feel? When I left?"
Lifting a hand, she wiped at the tears on her cheeks and started to walk away, "I don't want to talk about this."
Sighing, he turned and walked after her, making sure to keep a little space between them, "I think we have to…I think it's time. We've waited long enough Liv."
She laughed bitterly, "Oh, did we? Over a decade seemed like enough time for you?"
"Look, I know I should have reached out sooner but the more time that passed, the harder it was to…" He sighed and tripped a little as he walked along the uneven path ahead of him, "Olivia…I wanted to call. I need you to know that I wanted to call. I picked up the phone a million times but I was afraid…"
"That if you heard my voice…" She paused, remembering their conversation in the hospital, "Elliot…" Slowly, he watched as she turned back to him, "I needed to hear your voice. Did you know that? I needed to know you were still out there…that you still existed. That you…that you-" She paused, pressing a shaking hand into her chest, 'That you fucking cared."
He looked down at the ground, suddenly unable to meet her eyes, "Liv…"
"Do you know how hard that was? To just…go from talking to you every fucking day, to never seeing you or hearing from you again? Do you understand that you were just like every other person in my life who had abandoned me? When you promised…" Her voice cracked and she hated herself for it, "When you promised that you would never do that to me."
He felt his heart beginning to crack even more, "Olivia…"
"And I just kept…waiting…thinking you'd walk through the door of the precinct and say, 'Hey Liv. Sorry, just needed a breather. We catch a case?' But…but you never did. And time kept passing and the more years that went by…the more I thought…I never meant a damn thing to him."
"That…that isn't true." He walked closer to her, "You…you meant everything to me."
"Really? Because…you had a funny way of showing it." She said quickly, "Damn it El, I needed you. I needed you and you weren't there…you were never there. For ten fucking years…and now…now you're standing here and I-" She whimpered, running her hands through her wavy hair, "It's like I want to pull you closer because I'm afraid you're gonna disappear again but at the same time I just…I want to push you away so you can't hurt me again. And I don't…I don't know what to do about it anymore! It's making me crazy."
He tried to reach for her hand, "Liv…"
"No." She pulled her hand back, putting it behind her back, "I can't…we can't do this. We can't do this Elliot."
"Why?" He asked with a shrug, "Other than…you needing more time to trust me, why can't we do this Liv?"
"Because…" He gave her a look and she had to look out at the ocean, "Because…we just can't."
He sighed and walked towards her, "That's not an answer Liv."
She felt him approaching, and somehow she knew what he was going to do, "Elliot…"
When he was just a foot in front of her, he pressed his hands into her hips, "We're not partners anymore. IAB can't tell us we can't be together. Cragen can't get on our case for flirting…and…I'm not married anymore."
Just as he leaned all the way in she whispered, "But you were. And you still should be…and it's my fault she's gone."
Pulling back quickly, he looked shocked, "What?"
She swallowed the hard lump in her throat, "If you had never come back…she'd still be alive. She'd be here…with you right now. With your kids. And I…I would be at home. Where I belong." She sniffled sadly again, "She should be here Elliot…she should be the one you're walking the beach with. She should be the one you are about to kiss…not me. It was never meant to be me."
She turned on her heel, walking as fast as she could towards the boardwalk away from him. He stood there, unsure of what to say or do, at least at first. He knew that at this moment, she probably needed a second to breathe. But he wasn't letting this go, it was time she knew the truth. The whole truth, it was the only way forward. But for now, he'd let her have her moment, let her calm down, and then he'd follow her and his heart, just like he should have done from the start.
Olivia stood under the boardwalk, leaning against one of the tall piers. She had been crying, there was no way to turn it off it seemed. She had been suppressing these emotions for so long and now they seemed to be flowing through her like water, unable to stop. Her therapist would tell her to let it happen. That it was a good thing but right now she felt so emotionally drained and unsure of herself. And God, she hated that feeling.
She knew he was still here, he hadn't left. Somehow she knew he wouldn't. He had to prove he would never leave her again. He was here, lingering somewhere nearby. He knew her well enough to give her space when she needed it. But, soon he would appear, letting his physical presence be known. But right now, he was letting her be.
Her mind seemed to be playing through all the memories she had of him. The good and the bad. But one kept replaying in her mind. A time soon after she returned from Oregon. They'd spent the last few weeks trying to find their way back to the easiness of their partnership. But there was tension there, fear of saying the wrong thing, pushing the other away again when they were actually trying to hold on for dear life.
It was late. Almost everyone else was gone at that point which was nice. It made the usually bustling place quiet but more than that, it was nice not to have everyone watching them, speculating, whispering. Seemed worse than usual now that she was back which was irritating.
They had spent the last two days tracking down a man who had kidnapped the neighbor's children. They were both exhausted. But as usual, they pushed on. As she finished a file, she held it out to him for his signature. He took it without even having to ask what it was before handing it back. The third time she did it, she realized how natural it was and she froze, staring at him.
When she didn't take the paper back right away, he lifted his head and stared back at her, "Liv?"
Slowly she snapped out of her daze, "Oh. Uh. Hi. Sorry…sorry."
She quickly took the file and looked back down at her desk, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He didn't say anything or question what had happened. He was quiet until a moment later when he asked, "Coffee?"
"Hm?" Her head snapped up and back down again, "Oh. No. I'm good. Thanks."
She heard his chair scrape against the floor and the little sigh that left his lips, "Ah, that's right. You are all about tea now."
She had to bite down on her lip, damn him for remembering. "Don't knock it till you try it."
He huffed again and walked towards the table in the back corner. She kept her eyes on her desk but listened to the familiar sounds of the coffee maker, his shoes on the floor, and the mumbled words as he spilled something. A few minutes later, something was placed on her desk. She looked up, surprise written all over her face when she smelled the honey, and lavender tea she loved so much, "Where did this come from?"
He shrugged nervously and sat on the edge of her desk, "Picked up a box this morning. Thought we should have some on hand for late nights…"
Suddenly, tears welled in her eyes, feeling so overwhelmed by the small gesture, "Thank you El…that, that was sweet."
He looked down, seemingly unable to meet her eyes, "Just wanted to make sure you had a reason to stick around this time…"
Her breath caught in her throat and she whispered his name, her voice laced with regret, "El…"
Placing his coffee down beside him, he turned to look at her again, "I missed my partner."
Her eyes flutter down to her desk again, "I missed you too…"
Silence washed over them, both trying to come to terms with all the unspoken things, all the feelings they'd tried to deny. And then, he spoke again, once again surprising her.
"Listen…" The old desk creaked under the weight of his body, "I know I'm a son of a bitch. And more often than not…I make it impossible to tolerate me. I also know that…being my partner comes with a lot of baggage."
She frowned, hating that he thought so little of himself, "Elliot…"
"No. Let me finish." His eyebrows rose slowly, "Please?" She sat back, knowing there was no stopping him now, "I haven't always made your life easy. But I hope you know that…you mean a hell of a lot to me Liv. And when I said we couldn't be partners…I said it out of fear. It was about me. Not you."
Licking her lips, she played with the string from the tea bag needing the distraction, "I know. I get it. I was scared too…which is why I left. I just…I needed some time. Some space to clear my head. Sort through all the…stuff in my head."
He nodded slowly, "I get that too. I just wish…we both could have talked to each other and figured it out together."
"Me too. But sometimes…sometimes the only solution is time and space El. Helps put things into perspective. Helps you decide what you want in life…where you want to be."
Turning further towards her he asked, "And did it help?" He watched her bite her lip before he pushed on, "Do you know what you want? Where you want to be?"
Nodding slowly she whispered, "I'm right where I want to be El. Beside my partner."
She watched him swallow the lump in his throat before a slow smile filled his face, making his dimples appear and his eyes change color, "I'm glad to hear that."
He pushed himself off the desk, walked to his chair, and sat down. Both of them feeling some of the awkward tension begin to disappear letting them fall back into those familiar roles. Both of them wondering what lay ahead of them…and how it would impact their partnership. But for now, just being together was enough.
Snapping out of her memory, her bare toes dug into the wet sand as the tide began to roll in. That night she'd felt content, happy, sure she made the right decision to come back, hopeful for her future. For their future.
Three weeks later…Elliot told her that Kathy was pregnant again. And everything she thought she could have had disappeared right before her eyes in the courthouse. She felt him approaching now, and saw the slight shadow on the sand cast by the setting sun. Her hand lifted to wipe away her tears even though there was no use trying to hide them. She knew her eyes were red, he'd know. He always did.
Clearing her throat she whispered, "Why does everything between us always have to be so damn hard?"
She hears him sigh before answering, "Probably because…we care about each other so deeply."
Looking over her shoulder, she asks, "We do?"
She sees the sadness on his face but she can't help it, she needs to hear the words, "Olivia, when I said I loved you. I meant that."
She nodded slowly and looked out at the water again, "Sure. But as what? A friend? A…person you have a great history with? Someone, who you feel comfortable with during your time of need?"
"All of those things. Yes." He watches as she closes her eyes, clearly thinking he's rejecting her, "But also as, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."
She tenses quickly, arms wrapped around the pole, needing the strength, "Elliot…"
There is a warning in her tone but he can't stop now. If he does, he will regret it forever and Elliot Stabler is done living with regrets. He approaches her cautiously, understanding she may need time to process what he is saying, "Olivia, I know that there are a million reasons for you to hate me, to never forgive me. But…I'm standing here right now, asking, begging for a chance to make it all right."
"I don't know that you can. That we can. There is just too much history…baggage…too many reasons not to do it. Maybe we were just always meant to be friends. Really, good friends."
"We are friends. Best friends. Even when I was gone I knew I would never have a better friend than you. But Liv, we were always meant to be more than that. I believe that. It's why I came home."
The last part startles her and she stumbles slightly, her feet digging into the cool sand, "What?"
"I should have told you this last year…but everything was happening so fast. I got so lost in my head. I was worried for the kids. I was wracked with guilt for what was happening to them, what happened to Kathy…what I was doing and had done to you."
He has her interest now, and her whole body turns to him. "El…"
"Yes, Fin called and told me about your ceremony and that pushed me. But, I had been wrestling with the idea to come home for months. And I had told Kathy that. She was happy in Rome. She thrived there. She wanted to stay…but I didn't. We both knew my heart was still in New York, even after all this time it was still here. With you."
"But…her letter. The one…I mean she-"
"She was…upset. And I was feeling immense guilt. But by the time we landed, we both knew it was over. I couldn't wait to see you. Even if you were married, happy. I just wanted a chance to be in your life again as a friend."
He was close now, dangerously close. Her head was spinning again, "I don't understand what you are saying…"
"I was going to stay in New York no matter what happened. Kathy was going to go back to Rome. We were going to give Eli the chance to decide for himself. It killed me because I knew he would go back to Italy…that is where his friends were. But I hoped when he was old enough he'd understand. And, I wanted to be here for my other kids too. And…you. I'd been away from all of you for long enough."
Looking up at him, she noticed his eyes had gotten even darker. Maybe it was from the darkening sky but they drew her in. Let her know he was telling the truth, "You were getting a divorce?"
Elliot nodded, reaching for her hand, "I already had a call into a lawyer. We both agreed it was for the best. But then…she got hurt and I couldn't…I couldn't just walk away Liv. You have to understand."
"No. Of-of course." She frowned, "But…"
"I hoped, for her sake and the kids, she would get better. I would have helped her through it in any way I could. But that night after you left the hospital…she told me it was still there."
Shaking her head she asked, "What was still there?"
"The spark…between you and I. And that even though it hurt, she knew it was where I wanted and needed to be. It was her way of…accepting it I guess. I just never thought…I didn't think she'd d-"
His voice broke and she knew that despite the divorce, it was still hard. He had loved her. Shared a life with her, "El…"
"All I wanted was to pull you closer. I was drowning like you said. But I felt so much fucking guilt, I was scared of myself. And I had to…get justice for her. But I didn't. And I still hope I will because she deserves that. At least that from me…but Olivia, Kathy's death was never your fault. Please hear me when I say that."
She sighs, her hand reaching up to trace the lines on his face, and the words fall from her lips without hesitation, "It was never your fault either. It was the Wheatley's…and in some twisted way, they got what they deserved El. I just…I wish I could bring her back for your kids."
"Me too. But we can't bring her back Liv." He rests his hands on her hips, leaning into her touch, "Just like I learned I can't bring Jenna back. Or any of the other victims we lost…"
It's the first time he has uttered the young girl's name since he's been back. And it takes her back to those final moments as his partner all those years ago. If she had known then that it was the end of them, would she have done anything differently? Would it have mattered?
And then she understands. He needed time. Just like she had when she left for Oregon. He'd been so overwhelmed, so scared he needed space. And while ten years seemed like an extreme amount, he was here now. And he had been planning on coming home either way.
"You really would have been okay just being my friend?" He just stares at her, "If you came back and I was with someone…happy…you would have accepted it?"
"I would do anything just to be accepted back in your life Liv. In whatever way felt right to you. What I did, what I have done to us, to all that we were, it will take a long time to fix. But I am willing to stand here beside you and work for it. Work harder than I ever have. If you tell me you just want me as a friend…then I'll be the best friend you've ever had."
"And if I said I wanted to…be more than friends?"
At that moment, he feels like all the broken pieces of himself are coming together again. He reaches out, tangling his hand in her hair, and whispers, "Then I will spend every day until my last day making sure you know how much I love and appreciate you." Her breath catches in her throat but he doesn't stop, "I will do everything I can to make you trust me again. I'll be there when you are having a good day, and on the days when you get scared and push me away. I'll stay Liv. Always. No matter what you say or do…I'll stay right here with you."
A soft cry leaves her lips along with the whisper of his name and a curse, "Damn you, Elliot Stabler…"
And then he is kissing her, pressing her back into the wood behind her. His lips are somehow soft and hard all at once, sweet and salty. The perfect mix of everything she loves. His tongue teases her bottom lip, asking for permission and she gives in, her arms wrapping tighter around him, falling deeper and deeper into this heavenly feeling.
Because that is exactly what this is. Her idea of heaven, pressed against the boardwalk, the sun setting, the waves crashing on the shore, tickling their bare feet in the sand, kissing the man she has loved for almost half of her life. This, this was everything she had ever wanted or needed.
Suddenly his kisses are moving lower, dancing along her cheek, her jaw, that oh-so-sensitive spot just below her ear. The water is rising, making the hem of her dress wet, but that's not the only thing wet at this point. Maybe she should stop this, but she can't. There is no way she can, his beard feels so good against her skin and he is making her feel things she hasn't felt in years, maybe not ever actually.
"Elliot…"
"Mmm…you taste like coconut." He mumbles against her chest, "Something from the spa?"
"What? Oh. Yes. The masseuse as-asked me to pick a lotion and I liked this one."
She laughs when she hears the grumble, "Was it a he or a she?"
Less than five minutes into this new relationship (at least she hopes that's what it is) and he feels the need to piss on his territory to make everyone else aware that she is taken. Little does he know, she has always been his. Even the other men in her life knew that.
"You were never gonna bare your soul to me, were you?"
She never answered Brian, but she didn't have to. He knew the answer and he knew the one man who she would bare her soul to was Elliot Stabler. And by some miracle or some turn of fate, he was here with her now. In fact, she was so lost in the feeling of him she forgot he even asked a question, "Liv?"
She shivers again, almost allowing herself to be lulled to sleep by the waves and the feel of him, "Hm?"
Standing up straight, he touches her cheek and raises an eyebrow, "The person who gave you a massage at the spa. Was it a he…or a she?"
Rolling her eyes she finally answers, "It was a she Elliot…you can relax." A satisfied smile fills his face until she teases, "But she asked for my number."
His face falls and he growls, "What?"
Pushing him back, she laughs, trying to turn away from him, "Get a grip, Elliot…"
But he wraps his arms around her, pulling her flush against his body, pulling her back behind the pole again, "I have a grip." To emphasize the point, she squeezes her hips, "And I'm quite happy with it."
She lets him sway them back and forth for a moment before she whispers, "What are we doing Elliot?"
He sighs, pressing his lips to the back of her neck, "Hopefully, finally getting it right."
She doesn't hesitate as he turns her again, pressing her back once more, 'El…"
He shakes his head, leaning in to kiss her, "I love you, Olivia Benson. I am in love with you. In fact, I can't remember a time when I wasn't in love with you. And for once in my life…I'm tired of hiding behind it. I want this to be…what it was always meant to be."
"And what was it meant to be Elliot?"
Lifting his hand, he traces the side of her face, getting lost in her eyes, "Two soulmates finally finding their way to each other. Despite all the roadblocks and the reasons why we felt like we coudln't…we were always meant to end up right here."
"Right here as in under this boardwalk?" She asked with a smile, letting herself loosen up, flirt a little, and give in to her feelings.
"Right here…" He lets his hand flatten against her chest, "As in together, kissing, giving in to all those feelings…"
She licks her lips and looks down at his lips, "Kiss me again."
He leans in a little closer, "Beard and all?"
She laughs and nods her head, "Beard and all…"
So he takes that as his cue to lean all the way in, capturing her lips with his, drowning in her once more. They both melt, their bodies colliding, meeting each other right where they need to be. Her hands grip his button-down shirt, one of his hands holds the back of her neck, and the other stays on her hip. "Olivia…"
She groans into his mouth, nuzzling him closer, "I like the beard…"
He looks down at her with one eye open, not pulling all the way away, just speaking to her in between kisses, "You do?"
"Uh-huh." Her eyes are still closed, and her head tilts to the other side, nibbling on his lower lip, "I think it's sexy. Really sexy."
Another groan leaves his lips this time and he leans in so that their hips come together and he knows she can feel his hard cock beneath his shorts, "Olivia…"
He starts kissing along her jawline again and she grips him harder, the words escaping her lips before she can stop herself, "First time I saw it I wondered what it would feel like between my legs…"
They both freeze, she because she's embarrassed, him because he is so fucking turned on and intrigued by her words, "Oh really?"
There's no backing out of it now so she figures, if they've made it this far, might as well push the envelope all the way, "Then again…I've wondered what that would be like without the beard too."
He laughs a little and begins to lift her dress inch by inch, "Let's see if we can answer one of those questions…and work on the other one the next time I shave."
She gasps, her head glancing around, "Elliot! No! We-we can't do that here!"
But it's useless, he's already on his knees despite the fact that the water rose even higher. He's in an inch or two of water now, the white dress up at her knees now, "Says who?"
She whimpers when his lips touch her thigh, "You do realize I've been arresting people for doing things like this for two decades, yes?"
Glancing up at her he smirks, "Really?"
"What?" She looks nervous but excited, "Elliot…we-we can't. We shouldn't."
With a shake of his head, he lifts the dress even more, "Guess what, I'm tired of doing what should do. I'm ready to do what I want to do. And right now…I want to-"
"Don't finish that sentence with do you." He is laughing and she sighs, "Keep a little romance in it, Stabler, okay?"
He smiles, knowing he has her right where he wants her as he leans in, kissing the inside of her knee, "Okay." He looks up at her as he moves higher, "Are you going to stop me again?"
She looks around once more, the beach nearly empty around them, no one would know. But she would. And…that's exciting, "No…"
And then, he moves with purpose, bunching her dress up all the way around her hips and he pushes aside her panties. He's on his knees in the ocean, knees in the sand, face to face with his former partner's bare pussy. God help him. If this is how he dies, it'll be a good way to go. A great way actually, the only way. But, now that he finally has her, he wants it to last forever. Nuzzling closer, he breathes her in, the sweet smell of coconut again and something that is just, Olivia Benson.
He knows there will be more fights. Knows there will be moments when she pushes him away, when the hurt resurfaces but he won't turn his back on her now. As soon as his tongue touches her, she begins to tremble and he wants to make her scream. "Oh."
Her fingers dance across his now bare head and he growls against her skin, "Fuck Liv…do you know how long I've wanted to do this?"
Her back arches off the pole, unable to stop herself from giving into these feelings, "Elliot…shit…"
His hand digs into the back of her thighs, marking his territory and he sighs against her, rolling his tongue around her clit, "I love you. I love you. I love you."
Tears pool at the corner of her eyes, she's losing herself in this moment. A moment she never pictured she'd be in, under the boardwalk, with Elliot's Stabler's face between her legs. Suddenly she's crying and laughing all at the same time, so overcome by emotions as he works her into a frenzy. The heat of the setting sun poking through the boardwalk above, warming her tan skin, "Elliot…God, I love you. I've always loved you."
The waves pick up and he's getting wet but again, it doesn't fucking matter. He's a man on a mission and he won't stop until he gets her there. She slips further into the sand, gasping slightly, losing her footing but he won't let her go. His grip tightens, his mouth never leaves her most sensitive spot, his beard is now covered in her and he can't get enough, "So good…"
The wind whips her hair side to side as she pants his name over and over like a prayer, like her life depends on it, "Elliot!"
And then she's tumbling over the edge, like the large wave that crashes around them. But he doesn't let go, still tasting, kissing, licking, loving her in every possible way until he knows she can't take anymore. Slowly, he lets her dress fall to the ground before kissing his way back up her body. It's then that she realizes at some point, he'll see the scars and for a moment, despite the bliss, fear pulls at her heart. He sees it in her eyes, holds her face close, and whispers, "Hey…I'm right here. I'm right here Liv, I promise you, no matter what, I'm here."
And that's exactly what she needs to hear, "No matter what?"
Nuzzling her closer, he kisses her lips and whispers, "There is nothing in this world you could tell me that would make me turn away from you. Even across the world, my heart was right here with you. I'm not going anywhere."
Holding his forearms she needs him again, needs to feel him, needs to feel the full strength of the passion they share. She reaches for his shirt, lifting it, pulling at the belt around his waist, no longer caring who may see or not see. And he's right there with her, ready for any and everything she needs. He lifts her leg, once again bunching her dress up around her hips, her leg wrapping around his and he thrusts forward, "Elliot!"
This was never how he pictured their first time, he pictured a bed, candles, some big romantic gesture. And yet, in a strange way, for them, it was perfect. It was heated and needy, a bit desperate and so exciting, everything that she was to him. It was messy and beautiful, chaotic, crazy, and still, it was right. So right. He moves slowly at first, then picks up the pace when she urges him to go faster. The little smile on her face tells him she's ready, that she can take it and he won't deny her, he will never deny her. "Olivia…God…you feel so good."
Holding onto him, she trusts that he won't let her go, not now, not ever and she gives him full control, something she rarely if ever does. Both legs wrap around him at his urging, and he takes off, filling her again and again, their bodies slapping together faster than the waves crashing at their feet. She cries out softly at first, then louder when he bites down on her neck and the angle at which he moves lets his cock slide against her clit. And as he makes love to her under the boardwalk, as the sun sinks lower on the horizon, she thinks…
This is what it feels like to be in love, to be loved.
Turning his face towards hers, she holds him close, giving in to twenty-three years of longing, "I love you, Elliot Stabler. I have always loved you."
He kisses her, eyes wide open as he moves, "You're stuck with me now Captain Benson, that okay with you?"
She feels weightless as he holds her there, knowing he won't drop her. "More than…"
And then he moves quicker, bringing them both over the edge as they breathe each other's names against their lips. They both go slightly limp and his feet dig ankle-deep into the sand below them, "Olivia…"
They are both breathing hard and she slowly, lets her legs begin to slide down to the ground, "Damn…"
Her dress falls down around her again, and he is shielded enough that as the person walks by them, they have no clue what just happened, but, it doesn't stop them from shouting, "Geez…get a room!"
She starts to laugh when his body tenses, the kind of laugh he hasn't heard in hears. Her whole body shakes against him, melting into his side again, "Oh my God…"
He growls, begins to tuck himself back into his shorts, and looks around, "Christ…"
She's still laughing when he takes her hand, and pulls her along, a few feet away at the edge of the water just as the sun sinks all the way below the surface. He reaches for the blanket he had discarded and lays it out, pulling her up against his side. She's still laughing and it's the best damn sound he's ever heard and as far as he is concerned, he'll make damn sure he hears it every day. Now without the sun in the sky, she shivers, and he quickly wraps his arms around her, pulling her against his body, "Liv…"
Her head turns slowly, pressing into his neck, "Tell me that…that we're gonna figure it all out. That it's going to be okay."
Lifting his hand, he tangles his fingers in her hair and holds her face close, resting his forehead against hers, "Liv…I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make this work. Whatever it takes. If you need to take it slow…we'll take it slow. If you want a commitment…we'll go to the courthouse now and-"
"No." She shakes her head and leans against his shoulder, "No…I love you…but no." She snuggles closer and whispers, "I know…that your kids are okay with it. Noah too. But…we can't rush this El. We can't. We need to let everyone adjust…okay?"
He nods, knowing she is right but knowing deep down he would marry her this second if she said yes. It was always meant to be her. But if she wants to wait, feels it's the right thing to do, then he'll wait. As long as he gets to wait by her side. "Okay. I hear you."
They sit in silence for a while, just enjoying the closeness, the gentle sound of the ocean, and the music coming from the bar somewhere behind them. To some, it probably looks like such a simple moment, but to them it's everything. It's years, decades in the making, and a night neither of them will ever forget. When he feels the tears beginning to soak his shirt, he turns quickly, never moving his arm from around her, "Liv?"
But she shakes her head and whispers, "I'm not sad…I promise. Just…taking it all in." Clearing her throat she glances up at him, "I'm happy…"
Pressing his lips to her forehead he whispers, "Me too."
Another silence envelops them before she asks, "So…what happens now?"
"Whatever you want to happen now." He responds, "I think I've made it clear what I want…but you tell me what you want."
She chews on her lip and then says, "Well…I guess we have a few more days here. Let our families spend time together which is nice."
He nods slowly, "Agreed. And when we go back to the city?"
Her toes dig into the sand and she takes a little breath, "When we go back to the city…I go back to Captain Benson Mother of Noah Benson and you go back to Detective Stabler…Father of five incredible kids." She feels him tense, "And somewhere in between…we find time to keep exploring this? Dinners when we can…alone and with the kids. Continue to…grow together, evolve together, and just see…where it goes from there?"
When she looks up at him again, the smile on his face makes her heart clench and makes her want to throw him on the sand and have her way with him again. He lifts his hand once more, brushes back her loose curls, and whispers, "Sounds perfect."
She smiles, kisses him once more, and then ducks her head down onto his shoulder, "Yes. It does."
There will be more conversations, more arguments, tears, and painful things to pursue. But for now, this is enough. Knowing they are on the same page, that they are ready to move forward and that they'll do it together as partners, no matter what.
When they finally make their way back to the house, it's late. But the party in the yard seems to still be going strong. They weren't missed, or if they were, they found time to occupy themselves just fine. Olivia slips off to the back bathroom, cleaning herself up and he waits in the hallway for her, wanting to walk in together. They walk into the kitchen first, where Bernie is standing in her robe, nursing a cup of tea, "Well look what the cat dragged in…"
Olivia lingers behind him slightly, feeling like a teenager caught by her boyfriend's Mom. Elliot laughs and threads her fingers with his, "Uh…sorry Mama…we…had a lot to catch up on."
"Uh-huh." She smirks, "Noah fell asleep a bit ago along with the twins…" She looks at Olivia, "Dickie brought him up to the bunk room. He's fine. Adorable kid, you got there…so well behaved."
Olivia swallows hard, "Oh…I-thank you. Sorry…we should have come back sooner."
She shakes her head, "No. You were right where you needed to be." She takes another sip of her tea and points toward her room, "I think I'll head to bed but the rest of the troops are out back still."
"Alright, night Mama." Elliot whispers, "See you in the morning?"
"Gorgeous isn't it?" They both turn to look at her, "The sunset from under the boardwalk?" They both just stare at her, wide-eyed, unsure of what to say and she smiles before whispering, "Goodnight."
As she walks away, they can both hear her humming a familiar song and they know she knows exactly what happened under that boardwalk.
"Oh my God…" Olivia whispers, leaning into him, "She knows…"
"Yeah…she does." He says with a laugh, "But…she adores you so it's okay. I promise."
Turning to look at him, she speaks softly, "Maybe I should go get Noah and bring him back to our-"
"Stay." He's not asking, not pressuring, but he is hopeful, his shoulder lifts and he says it again, "Please stay."
Her eyes dart to the patio behind them, "Let's…see what the feeling is out there, okay?"
He nods in agreement, knowing that it's as good as he can get for right now but hoping that his children will make her feel welcome. He can't bare the thought of letting her go, not tonight. Squeezing her hand, he pulls her back towards the patio again, the gentle laughter of his children and son-in-law filling the space. All eyes turn to them, and Olivia quickly goes to let go of his hand, but he holds it firmly, letting her know that there is no need to hide.
The girls are smiling, and so is Dickie. But it's Eli that they both turn to, knowing that he is the one that they need to hear from. His eyes settle on their joined hands, and for a moment she imagines he is thinking of his Mother, and how he misses her. She meant it when she said if she could, she'd bring her back in a heartbeat just to save him from this kind of pain. But when he looks up, and smiles gently, holding out a stick she feels relief fill her body as he asks, "You like S'mores Liv?"
Elliot squeezes her hand once more and she moves to sit beside his youngest child, "I love them."
Elliot looks at the rest of his children, Kathleen and Maureen have tears in their eyes. Lizzie gives him a gentle nod and Dickie looks proud, and understanding. As he settles in next to her, they all know that it's going to be okay. For the rest of the night, his hand never strays far from hers, this time it doesn't scare her, he's right where he belongs and so is she. That night, after she checks in on Noah and climbs into bed, dressed in one of Elliot's shirts, she listens to the waves crashing against the shore outside and the steady beat of his heart.
"Hey, Elliot?" His hand runs down the length of her back and he turns to her, waiting for her to speak again, "I don't think I've ever said this but…I'm really glad you're back."
Lifting his hand, he curls his fingers around the back of her neck and pulls her closer, "I should have come back sooner."
With a shake of her head, she settles against him once more, tangling her leg with his, "No more regrets El…everything happened for a reason. And all that matters is that we are here now."
He squeezes her tight and whispers into her hair, "I love you."
A gentle sigh escapes her lips as she begins to drift off into the most peaceful sleep of her life and she responds, "I love you too."
And for now, that's enough.
(Under the boardwalk) Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be havin' some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We'll be making love
Under the boardwalk, boardwalk
On a blanket with my baby…is where I'll be.