Chapter 2

"Keep in mind, if she weren't at least a little bit interested, she wouldn't be trying this hard," Martha reminded her son encouragingly.

He waved over his shoulder on the way into his office and closed the door behind him, saying, "Beckett?"

"Hey, Castle. Do you feel up to talking to me tonight? I promise honest answers to whatever you need to know. What I did was inexcusable, and..."

"Where do you want to meet?" he asked matter-of-factly.

"I've made arrangements at an Italian restaurant. I thought if you still have an appetite after talking to me, comfort food might be a good idea. Shall I pick you up, or would you rather meet me there?"

"You take a cab. I'll drive and meet you there. I can still be enough of a gentleman to take you home…even if we aren't speaking to each other when it's over."

"I hope it goes better than that. Thanks for giving me a chance."

"Text me the time and the address."

"You should have it in the next minute or so. See you tonight."

xxxxx

Kate wore a nice dress, something classic that could suit anything from casual to almost cocktail dress depending on how it was accessorized. She wanted a look that didn't scream date but would let Castle know she cared enough to look nice for him.

When she arrived at the restaurant half an hour early, she was pulled into a hug by one of the owners. "Katie, it's so good to see you, but you sounded so sad on the phone this morning that I worried about you. The booth in the back is yours for the rest of the evening. What else can I do for you?"

"Nonna Luisa," Kate answered, gratefully melting into the love and sympathy.

"Oh, it must be bad," Luisa responded lovingly. "You haven't called me that since you were a teenager and outgrew adopted grandparents."

"I'll never outgrow you and Nonno Gianni."

"Then tell me how we can help our Katie."

"The man I'm meeting tonight…as recently as a few days ago, I had hopes of a long future with him; but I may have ruined everything. Long story I don't have the time or strength to tell right now; but I'll tell you one day soon, no matter how it turns out. Would you send a bottle of the wine and some of the appetizers Mom always ordered? He and I need to have a conversation that may take a while. Maybe…"

"Ah, la mia bambina, if he loves you even half as much as it seems you love him, then there is hope. Love doesn't just disappear in a puff of smoke over a couple of days." Putting an arm around Kate's shoulders, she said, "Come. I'll take you to your booth. Tell me what else you need."

They talked on the way, and Luisa went back to take care of Kate's initial request.

Castle arrived punctually. Wearing something that showed he was still gentlemanly enough to dress appropriately to meet a woman at a nice restaurant, he approached the older woman near the hostess station. "I'm meeting Kate Beckett for dinner. Is she here yet?"

"Ah, you must be Mr. Castle," she answered. When he acknowledged that, Luisa said, "She's waiting for you. Follow me," and she led him to the booth Kate had requested.

The irony of Beckett waiting for him registered in Castle's mind as he sat down in the high backed wooden booth across from her.

"Hey, Castle," she said, looking as sad and insecure as he had ever seen her. "I'm glad you came. I was worried that you might change your mind."

"I'm here for answers, Kate…plain, honest, unvarnished answers. None of that vague subtext about walls and waiting. I want to hear, in terms I can clearly understand, exactly what the hell I've been waiting for. I think I deserve that." It was controlled, but layered above a foundation of anger.

"Yes, you do. That's why we're here," she responded. "I'll answer anything you want, going back as far as you want…even if it hurts or it's embarrassing. You have free rein. Where would you like me to start?"

"Why did you lie to me? I understand that my declaration of love came out of the blue, and admittedly at the worst possible moment; but you've had a year…a year, Kate…and several conveniently offered opportunities to tell me the truth.

"It started with the shooting and last summer. When I woke up, I remembered, but there was too much in my head and trying to work it out was too much. There was Montgomery, and grief, and you, and Josh, and pain, and people telling me a sniper shot me and I was lucky to have lived. What you said meant so much to me, but I wasn't in a state of mind to work all of it out. So, I put it off until I could t think. Later it was cowardice. You were right about that. The longer I didn't say anything, the harder it was to tell you I had lied. I was trying to show you that I wasn't interested in anybody else.

"I think I can accept a lot of that, but I had two wives who lied to me when it was convenient…some of it about things that were important to me…or manipulated to get what they wanted. I don't want another relationship like that. Honesty is non-negotiable."

"Then I understand the anger even better. I'm sorry you had to experience that twice. You're too good a man to be treated that way, and I'd do anything to change my part in making you feel that way again if I could."

"Well, at least you're apologizing. I didn't get a lot of that before."

"I was a disastrous mess, even when I came back at the end of the summer, Rick. I tried to convince myself I was just fine, could do anything I used to; but we both know that was me in denial again." She took in a breath and let it go before revealing, "I've been seeing a therapist since then…trying to pull myself together enough to be…" Her voice trailed away.

"To be what? Finish that sentence, dammit. You promised me answers, so you don't get to back away this soon." His voice still sounded a bit north of simple insistence.

"Enough to be worth what you seem to think I am," she finished quietly. "I was trying to decide how to phrase it. I should have just told you all of it from the beginning; but I didn't…and then…"

"You accidentally detonated your little truth bomb?" The anger obviously hadn't entirely dissipated.

"And now I've done this to us. And I'm so sorry."

Castle sighed heavily. "Has the doctor helped?"

"Yeah, he has. He knows your name well. I've talked about you a lot."

"You've talked to him about me?"

"You were a big part of the reason I went back after he'd cleared me for duty. I lied to him about remembering, too. Then I went back to him and tried being honest. It was hard, especially at first. He's dug pretty far into my past and dredged up a lot of hurt and anger and self-defeating behaviors, but he knows how to guide rather than push. It's been working…at least I think it has. I trust him. I was lucky to be assigned to him for my psych eval.

"I'm going to ask you an unambiguous question, Kate; and I want an unambiguous answer. If you're willing to give me that, we'll know what the rest of our evening might accomplish…or not."

"That's why we're doing this. I knew that's what you would expect, and you deserve answers."

"You already know that I love you. The question is where do I stand with you? What was in your mind when you sort of asked me to wait?"

"I do love you. Whatever else you might doubt, please don't doubt that. I've had relationships before, but I don't think I've ever been in love until you. And I was hoping for a future together, to be part of your family. The waiting…it started with needing to solve Mom's case. But then I realized I wanted to be able to offer you and your family something better for your future than the unmitigated disaster that was Kate Beckett, and I knew that would take some time." After a little pause, she said, "We had a couple of interrupted moments earlier this week that seemed to be going in the right direction, and then I ruined it. I really did intend to tell you when we finished the case and had time to talk." She looked like tears might be building. "Rick, I'm not willing to give up on us yet, and I'm willing to wait for you now if there's still a chance."

"Because you love me?"

"More than I know how to tell you."

"Okay, I'm coming over there for a minute." He stood and moved to sit at the other side of the table with her, pulling her into a tight embrace, and she returned it in kind. Then he pulled back without letting her go, and the look of anger had softened considerably to something more like concern. "To be sure I'm not imagining anything…we aren't talking about loving me like a brother, or a best friend, or a partner are we?"

"Definitely not. I want much more than that. Is that all you wanted?"

"Not even close." He gently kissed her forehead and moved briefly to her lips before reinstalling himself on his side of their booth. At her questioning look, he explained, "Tonight is for honesty and clearing the air. I still have questions; but any more of that, and I might forget everything…including my own name."

"I know both of your names, so I can help if that happens." They smiled at one another for the first time since the Lopez interrogation. With that brief feeling of bantering normality between them, Kate was encouraged to offer him wine, and he accepted the glass she poured. Another role reversal.

"This is very good," he said after another sip, and he checked the label. I don't think I've tried this before."

"The appetizers are just as good," she answered, pushing the plate to the center of the table. "I didn't know how this conversation would go, so this is all I've ordered."

"We've been here long enough I'd usually expect a server to have shown up by now, or at least to be hovering somewhere close by.

"We're used to Espo and Ryan always interrupting, so it's getting hard not to expect something to interfere."

"Oh, you didn't tell them where we are, did you?" he asked, making a show of looking around.

"Nobody else knows we're here," she answered with a little smile. "Our conversation is safe tonight. I asked Luisa not to send a server until I asked for one, but the booth is ours for as long as we want it."

"Luisa? The woman who brought me to you?"

Kate nodded. "A family friend. I don't have as many 'guys' as you, but I guess the owners here would qualify as some of mine. I've known them since I was a child."

Castle closed his eyes after the first bite of their appetizer and sort of moaned, "These are amazing."

"My mom's choice. This is what she almost always ordered as soon as we got here. It was her favorite Italian place. She and dad would have wine, and they would ask for sparkling juice for me. The first time they did that, Nonno Gianni put it in a small wine glass for me; and when Nonna Luisa brought it to me in what I called 'the fancy glass' and showed me how to hold it properly, I felt so grown-up, so special. I was about seven…much easier to impress then."

"That's a nice memory," he answered, his chin propped on his hand as he listened to her story. "So, you invited me to a place you used to go with your mother? When Kate nodded, he said softly, "I'm honored. Now you've made me feel special."

"You are special, Castle. I need to tell you that more often." He took her hand briefly and kissed it in response.

"This is a nice place," he commented, finally relaxing enough to look around. "I don't know how I've missed it. I thought Alexis and I had discovered every Italian restaurant in Manhattan."

"They have so many word-of-mouth and return customers here that they don't need to advertise, and they're happy with that. Maybe they've just stayed under the radar." Kate finished off another of the appetizers and worked up the nerve to ask for her own clarification. "I guess my unambiguous question is, 'Does that little trip to my side of the table mean that you still love me enough to put up with me?'"

"Always." He claimed her hand and kissed it again, this time not letting go. "Mother said it well. Love isn't a switch you can just turn off. But you need to understand that I want everything that goes with it…marriage, kids…everything. Does that make you want to run away from here as fast as you can?"

She looked down for a short moment and finally admitted, "Kind of. But tonight is about not running from things." Squeezing his hand in assurance and looking up at him, she told him softly, "I'll admit I've imagined everything you just said, but I don't have a good track record for long term relationships, and I'm so afraid I'll do something else equally stupid and hurt you again."

"Hmmf. Yeah, because I have such a stellar record with relationships that you think you need to keep up? And already I loved you pre-therapy, remember? I guess we'll just have to take turns forgiving each other until we figure it out."

"I think I can live with that."

"That's good to know, because as bad as I've been at long term relationships, I've been even worse at breakups. That's where page six version of Richard Castle came from. After every major breakup, I went kind of wild. Drinking, women, partying, throwing money around for all of it… When Kyra left me, I blew a lot of the earnings from my first book on partying and women with expensive taste and the willingness to bed a man with money. Part of that included meeting Meredith. When we discovered she was pregnant, I pulled myself together and became a husband and father; but that wasn't who Meredith wanted. Being a mother cramped her style and my being a responsible father didn't work for her, either. But Alexis made it worth the disappointment. When I went on the next wild streak after that divorce, Paula and Black Pawn decided that the young, wealthy, successful, and ruggedly handsome playboy author was a great marketing tool and started pushing for as many news stories as they could get. I went along with it because it did make it easier to get their help in keeping Alexis away from the cameras. After I married Gina, she wasn't going to stand for other women, so she had us out at every event where we could dress up and look like a power couple in the publishing world. She constantly wanted to be seen at the best restaurants and galas. And wherever we were, I was expected to be the life of the party and flirt enough to try to make other women jealous that she had me. That was who she wanted, not the guy who needed to stay home and spend time with his child. She didn't appreciate Star Wars and the toy helicopter flying around the loft, either. The jackass Castle you first met was not quite a year out of that divorce."

"No, the Richard Castle I first met was the one being kind to his fans at a book signing, which made it much more disappointing to meet you after that launch party. At the signing, a blond woman I can now identify as Gina was behind you, giving you grief about taking too long with each person and slowing down the line, although I didn't see anybody in the line complaining. You looked up at me, rolled your eyes and mouthed an apology, wrote a nice note in my book, and talked to me for a minute. You may have said the same thing to every woman in the line, but you told me I had beautiful eyes then, too."

Leaning back in his seat and looking shocked, he said, "Beckett, you're giving me answers I didn't even know there were questions for. And no. That wasn't one of my overused lines. It just means I noticed your eyes then, too." He stopped for a moment before asking, "When was that? I want to know when I first met you, even though I don't remember…which, FYI, is killing me."

"You wrote the date when you signed the book. I'll show you sometime. You signed one for my mom once, too. She absolutely loved your books. She dragged me with her to the bookstore that day, but I was an obnoxiously opinionated high school student and wandered off on my own looking for more serious literature while she waited. I got back just in time to be embarrassed that she was fan-girling and being a little flirty. You were nice to her, too."

"I met your mother?" he asked, looking awed.

"And totally made her day in that couple of minutes. She would have loved getting to know you. You've tried to get me to admit it before, and you win. Now you know. Both Beckett women? Major fans."

"Thank you for telling me all that." He paused in thought for a moment before saying, "There's a lot of your mom with us tonight, and we've wiped out those beyond delicious appetizers. She's done well choosing for us so far. Why don't you order us something your mother would have ordered for dinner?"

Kate smiled, obviously pleased, and stood, saying, "I'm coming over there for a minute first." She slid into the seat with him, wrapped him in her arms, and rested her head on his shoulder; and he willingly participated. Then she gently cupped his jaw with one hand and gave him a soft, slow kiss.

When she broke the kiss, Castle left his eyes closed. "My name. You might need to remind me of my name," he responded with his signature smirk.

"I know I'll be with Richard Edgar Castle as far as the rest of the world is concerned, but I'm in love with Richard Alexander Rodgers...the man who comes complete with a loving family, Star Wars, and a toy helicopter flying around the loft. So there you have it…both names. Take your pick." Then she slid back out of the booth. "I'll ask for a server now."

"And tell them to serve us and then go away. Tonight is going much better than I expected, but there are still things we need to talk about, and we still don't need interruptions."