Chapter 3

When Kate returned, she let Castle know someone should be there with their dinner when it was ready. "You told me to order for us, so I did while I was there. Louisa said it would be about twenty minutes." She touched the wine bottle and asked, "A little more while we wait?"

He nodded, and she poured. "I decided against driving. I used the car service instead, so I can have as much as I want, and I do like this."

After another sip of wine, he asked, "Now that we've established that we both want the same things, could we cover something else while we wait? I could get through life with most of these questions unanswered, but for my peace of mind, I want to know…just to clear the air." When Kate nodded, he asked, "Last summer. Why did you cut me out? Why didn't you ever call?"

"When you came to the hospital, it was in some of the few lucid moments I'd had, and it didn't last long. They'd give me the pain meds, and I'd wake up loopy. I could eventually work out the least painful position and stay there until somebody needed me to move; and that way I could harass them into allowing me to put off taking the meds for a while, but mostly I slept. If I hadn't had the pain medication, I probably wouldn't have made it to the cabin with Dad

"How did you get to the cabin. That would have been the car ride from hell so soon after surgery."

"Medical transport…and the ride was still pretty hellish. Before we left, I had the pain meds to knock me out for most of the trip, but I woke up long enough before we got there to feel just about every bump in the road for miles and miles. The medics moved me into the house, and Dad had arranged for a hospital bed for as long as I needed it."

"I wish I could have been there for you."

"Not if you had actually been there. When we first got there, I was in too much pain to have many useful thoughts for anything but making it stop. I slept when the pain meds kicked in and hurt when I woke up. I was trying to do a few things for myself, but it was a self-absorbing kind of miserable. My dad took care of me for a couple of weeks; and believe me, I was not the perfect, cooperative daughter. When I convinced him to go home after two weeks, he was probably relieved, at least for long enough to remember the condition I was in. If I had given you any encouragement then, what would you have done?

"I would have found you and tried to help."

"But I didn't want you to."

"Why?"

"Mostly because I was afraid."

"Afraid of me?" he asked, looking hurt.

"Afraid for you. I knew you would be there if I let you, but I couldn't let you. At first all I could do was sleep and try to tolerate the pain long enough to take the pain meds and sleep again; but I had nightmares when I slept, and it was hard to wake up from them. Sometimes I died. Sometimes you died. Sometimes the guy had an automatic weapon and everybody I loved died with me, and I died knowing I was the reason.

"After I was awake more…after Dad left, I was completely paranoid for about a month, knowing I wasn't in a condition to do more than barely take care of myself, and there was no chance at all that I could defend myself. Being there alone was a stupid idea from the beginning, but I knew that this wasn't a random suspect pointing a gun at me to escape before we locked him up. This was somebody who, since at least the late nineties, had been wealthy enough to hire assassins to take out his enemies; and he had specifically targeted me, the same way he targeted my mother. That meant anybody near me could be in the crosshairs as well, and I didn't want to be the reason it happened. As soon as I could hold myself up enough to convince my dad I could feed myself and accomplish necessary tasks like getting to the bathroom and keeping myself clean on my own, I made him go home. He'd come on Fridays and bring me groceries and a few prepared meals…take me in for my scheduled doctor's appointments, take care of a few chores I wasn't up to yet; but I didn't let him stay long. I had started imagining that every sound I didn't immediately recognize, and some of the ones I did, could be the shooter coming back to finish the job. A couple of times I had panic attacks. On top of worrying about your safety, I didn't want you to see me like that…weak and in pain, and falling apart when a tree branch tapped the side of the house or some woodland creature scuttled through the leaves or twigs…not even close to extraordinary. I had resigned myself to the idea that I probably wouldn't live through the summer, and I didn't want you or anybody else to be in the line of fire when it happened. By the end of the summer the paranoia had eased, and I was able to put things into a better perspective. The PT had helped a lot. I was stronger and could legitimately take care of myself again. I was still skittish, especially after getting back to the city, but I was coping better most of the time.

"You shouldn't have been alone with that. I would have…"

"But I didn't want you to. You're a father. Alexis is about the age I was when my mother was killed, and I couldn't let your child lose the only parent she can depend on. She already had to remember seeing you try to outrun a bullet for me." There was a little pause as she looked directly into his eyes and assured him, "But I missed you every day and wished I could call you without putting you in danger with me."

"Last summer…it was hard for me, too…nothing like what you described, but it was bad for the whole family. All three of us had nightmares about the shooting…varying outcomes like yours. Mother was stoic, but she was hurting. It was bad when I had to wake Alexis from her dreams, but it was worse when she was the one to wake me from mine. I'm supposed to be strong for her, but I wasn't a model father any more than you were a model daughter." He took a deep breath before asking, "Did anybody tell you I was in the ambulance with you when you flat lined? I watched you lose consciousness in the cemetery; but in the ambulance, I watched you die, Kate. I felt like my heart had been ripped out…and they said it happened again in surgery. There were a couple of times when I had a flashback…could almost feel your blood on my hands again. And then there was no contact at all after I left the hospital. Not even a text to say you were recovering. I thought then that you were somewhere with Josh, but what you were going through alone…"

"No, Rick. I'm so sorry. I didn't know any of that. If I'd had any idea, I would have at least had my dad call you now and then with a report. But I didn't talk to anybody else any more than I talked to you. A lot of the time I was there, I was living a day at a time, pretty much waiting for somebody to find me, take the next shot, and not fail. I'm not sure why I'm still alive, but I'm grateful for it every day."

"We'll talk about that later; and when we do, you'll need to remember everything you just told me.

"What does that mean?"

"It means when we leave here, we're going to stop at the loft before I take you home. It won't take long. And you'll have decisions to make then...and free rein to ask me questions."

"That sounds…"

To Castle's relief, the server appeared with their food before he had to answer; and he commented about the food instead, reacting the same way he had to the appetizers.

After having settled their biggest mutual concern about their future together, both of their lost appetites had returned; and they enjoyed their meal, the conversation picking up again as their stomachs were filled.

"The rest of what I want to ask I'm certain I could live without knowing, but it would always be in the back of my mind, poking at me." He gave her a sheepish little smile and added, "And you've granted me carte blanche tonight. I need to use the opportunity."

"I did promise. Anything you want to know."

"So, the less necessary questions? Let's start with Demming. Why? What was wrong with me? I thought we had been making progress."

"Ellie Monroe. No matter how much she claimed to want to talk about the victim, it was a booty call. We both knew it, and you were so quick to take her up on it. I thought you and I might have been making progress, too, and then…well, for future reference…a man who wants to make progress with a woman, especially a woman he knows doesn't want to be just another notch on the bedpost, isn't going to impress her by accepting a booty call right in front of her. And then coming back to where she works and bragging about it afterward...and blatantly going back for more."

He ran his hand through his hair and looked embarrassed. "I had conveniently forgotten that less than refined behavior. I don't know what I was thinking, or more accurately why I wasn't thinking. I guess I wasn't quite out of the jackass phase, was I? I'm sorry. I guess I can't blame you for looking elsewhere."

"I was so disappointed and jealous…and so angry…and Tom was a nice enough guy. It never went beyond some reasonably innocent dates. And I can't really blame you for finding other company for the beach after I turned you down."

"And lied to me about not having any vacation time left?" He stopped himself and regrouped. "But we already covered the importance of honesty. When did you break up?"

"The day you left for the Hamptons."

"Before or after I left?"

"Before. I was kind of relieved to cancel the trip with Tom, actually. I was having second thoughts about less than innocent times with him. I had to end it. I don't cheat, and I was going to ask you if the invitation was still open..."

"And then Gina… I had begun to suspect that. Again, I'm sorry."

"My fault again. I practically handed you to her. It…"

"Motorcycle Boy?"

"No reason not to. You came back from the Hamptons still with Gina, and after being back in the city a few months, it looked like you were happy together. You stayed with her longer than any of my other relationships had ever lasted; and I wasn't going to interfere. Josh was a good man, too. I didn't expect anything to last too long with him at first, but it was good between us. I really tried to make it work; but his biggest failing, other than being gone so much, was only that he would never be you."

"Same reason I was with Gina. You seemed happy about Demming, and I wasn't going to interfere. After I began to see the same behaviors that broke us up the first time, I finally ended it. When did you break up with Josh?"

"The day you visited me at the hospital. I wasn't sure you meant what you said until I saw your face; and I knew then that if you loved me, I had to be fair to Josh and let him find somebody else." She gave him a little smile. "I broke up with him in my next lucid moments."

But you sent me away and never called…said some things were best forgotten. If we'd talked like this then, I wonder if…"

"What if's will only make us crazy. Maybe we already are. God, Castle. We're so bad at this."

"I doubt we could even have planned worse timing."

She looked away briefly, then told him, "When you accused me of hiding in relationships with men I didn't love, I was furious…because I didn't want to admit it was true. You already knew me better than anybody but my dad...and he'd had a lot of insight for years ahead of you. But you weren't supposed to know me well enough to figure that out."

"Now she admits it," he interrupted. "But why?"

"I had never allowed myself to be involved with a man who seemed to have long-term intentions in mind…because when he inevitably couldn't deal with my job demands or whatever else the emotional mess that was me brought on, it wouldn't hurt that much when he left. There were so many people I thought I could depend on who disappointed me and left me one way or another. My mom had no choice; but my dad did, and he put me through hell for five years while I tried to drag him out of a bottle. I love him and we're okay now; but it was a miserable five years, and it took a long time to rebuild trust. And it took a big toll on my mental state and my interaction with other people. Most of my friends had drifted away before I entered the academy. I wasn't the person they knew anymore, and they didn't know what to do with the new me. Royce was always there when I needed support, then he just left one day with no warning. When he showed up again, it was another disappointment. Will wasn't supposed to be anything serious when we first met; but that was as close as I ever got to something long-term. And then he left…and I realized it hurt, but it didn't matter as much as I thought it would. And then there was Montgomery. I think the wall I talked about was gradually built of a total lack of trust. I would just avoid anybody who seemed to be looking for something that would last. It was easier that way. Then you showed up and started rattling my carefully guarded cage."

"I did? So, you were more interested than it seemed?" Castle seemed to congratulate himself at that, and then commented, "But before I heard about walls, it always looked like the wall was only for me."

"I was protecting myself."

"Why?"

"Because you were dangerous. You were deconstructing all my standard safeguards. I was so attracted to you from the beginning, even when I thought I hated you...and it annoyed the hell out of me because I was tempted well more than once. Then I got to know you better and found out there was more to you than I saw at first. I saw you around Alexis and Martha, and there was so much love there. It reminded me of the family I used to have, and it made me want that again. You made me want that again. Then you started throwing 'Always' into things. You didn't back away from my problems or seem to think I was too much to deal with. And even knowing more of my troubles and quirks and secrets than anyone but Lanie…including a couple of things she doesn't know...you still kept telling me I'm extraordinary. For the very first time, a life with somebody I could love was starting to have some appeal, and I wanted that to be with you; but a lifetime commitment is asking for a lot of trust from somebody with such a complete lack of it. I knew by then that I wouldn't want to keep one foot out the door. I had never felt that kind of connection to a man before, and I knew it would destroy me if we were together and you lost interest, or if you finally gave up on me, too. Right then, neither one of us was stable enough to sustain that." She stopped and sighed. "And then we launched our spectacularly terrible timing."

"You really wanted those things before all of our bad timing?"

"It was more like a fantasy then…something I wanted and knew I couldn't have. You were still pretty convincingly declaring an aversion to ever being married again. I was a great detective but an emotional mess." She shrugged. "So I kept you at arm's length. It had to stay in fantasyland."

"Maybe we weren't stable enough to make it work then, but you believe in us now, don't you?"

"I do. I think we've been good for each other…in spite of all the frustration around it."

"I've definitely enjoyed the not being at arm's length tonight," he said with a smile.

"I'll bet you never expected me to tell you this much. It's like I started talking and the dam broke." Then she chuckled softly and followed with, "But if you keep asking 'Why?', I might have to demote you to a four year old on a sugar rush."

Castle looked mischievous and mimed turning the key on his lips. Then he wiggled his fingers to tell her to continue.

"You know, when we argued before Roy's funeral, I tried to goad you into admitting that you felt more for me than friendship, but you didn't do that." She hesitated for a moment and then admitted, "I wanted you to give me a reason to stop pushing myself to work things out with Josh."

"And I wanted to, but we're back to me trying to respect that you chose someone else."

"Josh wasn't who I wanted when I started dating him; but I couldn't have you, and I was alone. We were okay together; I think we both tried hard to make it work; but no matter how much I fought it, a little voice in my head kept reminding me I still wanted you. And then, when you thought I was dying, you finally admitted it."

"I didn't want you to die not knowing," he defended, then he huffed a little laugh. "Mother has said she's never seen two such capable, competent, impressive people with such pathetic communication skills when it comes to each other."

"She could be right," Kate answered ruefully.

"But we're getting better. We've made a lot of progress tonight." He took both her hands in his. "It's a good start, don't you think?"

"It is. I'm proud of us…and so relieved. You were so angry. I was really afraid you'd walk away for good."

"Honestly, Kate, when I heard what you said to Bobby, it felt like you had just been stringing me along and didn't know how to tell me you didn't feel the same, or maybe that you had changed your mind. My first instinct was to get on a plane for Vegas and start the breakup cycle all over again, but I must have done some growing up. I'm here working things out with you instead. We hadn't even established that there was something to break up from, but I still felt like I had lost something I treasured…believed in."

"I did, too. Can I come over there again? I need a hug."

"It's my turn. I'm coming over there…'cause, me too."

As they sat holding each other, recovering from another difficult conversation, he kissed her forehead and eventually asked, "Do you want dessert?"

"No. I'm stuffed."

"I have ice cream at the loft if you want something later."

She nodded in agreement. "I'll go and ask for the check."

When she returned with the bill folder, Castle reached for his wallet and the bill, but Kate stopped him. "No. My terrible judgment, my apology, my invitation, my treat."

He put his wallet away in concession and answered, "Then thank you for a wonderful meal…and for all the honesty."

"Maybe we could do this again without the need for all the angsty discussion." Her suggestion came out sounding more like a question.

"Any time you want. May I assume my invitation would be acceptable now? Maybe even call it a real date?"

She sat down next to him and leaned against his shoulder again, giving him the open, happy smile he loved to see, and playfully answered, "Yes, you may."

"Shall we go, then?"

"I suppose so." Is this trip to the loft going to be as ominous as it sounds?" She didn't leave his arms when she asked.

"It could, but I hope you can get past it. I don't want to know you love me and then have to give that up."

"Sounds like a familiar fear."

"Would you give us the time between here and the loft to bask in the progress we've made? I promise to get straight to it after we're there."

"You're worrying me, but I won't mention it again until then."

They shared a gentle kiss and then stood, Castle texting his driver and Kate taking the bill folder, and they walked toward the restaurant's entrance. Kate went straight to a tall, pleasant looking man standing near Luisa and watching them. She handed the man, who looked a decade or so older than her father, the bill folder and her debit card and gave him a big hug.

"Nonno Gianni, I'd like you to meet Richard Castle. Both of us thank you and Nonna Luisa for being patient with us tonight."

"The server gave you this before I had spoken to him," he told her, returning her card. At her protest, Gianni insisted, "I won't take it; this meal is gratis, and it looks like it accomplished its purpose. I'm only here to meet the man who thinks he's good enough for our Katie." He smiled as he held his hand out to Castle.

"He's probably too good for your Katie," she answered as the two men shook hands. "You're meeting one of the most forgiving men on the planet."

"Now if she can understand the one more worry we need to navigate, you'll be meeting one of the happiest men on the planet," Castle told him."

"Love is important, and well worth the patience and forgiveness to hold on to it," Gianni answered, slipping an arm around his wife's waist. "I can nearly see it in the air around the two of you, Katie. Consider it carefully, whatever it is."

Luisa leaned against her husband and agreed. "Don't let one problem stop you. You're going to find many more in life, but you'll be stronger together. Don't forget that." She pointed a finger at Kate as she made her last statement.

"From your lips to God's ears," Castle stated hopefully. "Thank you for one of the best meals I've had in a good while. You've created a wonderful space here. We'll be back again soon."

"Oh, I do hope so," Luisa answered with the hint of tears in her eyes. Kate hugged her and thanked her again before they left.

As they walked to the car, Castle said speculatively, "Luisa seemed more emotional than I would have expected when I said we'd be back. There's a story behind that, isn't there?"

"I've visited them there over the years, but their office is near the entrance, and I've always met them there."

"You visit them at their office at the restaurant, not at home?"

"Sometimes at home, but when two perfectionists own a restaurant, they practically live there, whether they ever intended to or not. The restaurant doesn't do takeout; but if I call, they'll have something ready for me to pick up. Sometimes we talk a while when I'm there. Until tonight, though, I haven't been any farther into the restaurant than their office. I haven't even seen the serving area since the night…"

"Wait. No. This isn't where you and your dad were waiting for your mother before…" She nodded and tears trickled down her cheeks."

"Kate," he said in sympathy, stopping and pulling her into his arms right there on the sidewalk. "And Luisa knew what a big step this was for you. Why did you choose to meet me here tonight?"

"Dr. Burke has been encouraging me to bring more of the good memories of my mom back into my life. I used to love being here…lots of good memories here before she died."

"I could see that when you talked about it."

"Luisa was right. I'm stronger with you than without you. I guess I was thinking that tonight, if I lost somebody else as important to me as Mom was, it might as well all be in the same place. Then I could just go back to avoiding it. But if tonight worked out the way I hoped, I thought that, with you, maybe it could be a place to enjoy again…and it might let you know how important you are to me. We could make new, good memories together. I enjoyed sharing her with you tonight."

"And you were going to tell me this was where you were that night?"

She sniffled as she nodded against his shoulder. "On the way to the loft, so if I did this, I wouldn't cause a scene at the restaurant.

"And I'm as important to you as your mom?" There was more sniffling and nodding. "And you were here…waiting for me…and worried that I wouldn't show up. You did that for me? To show me… And you love me… And…" Leaving his uncharted ramblings, he released a long breath that grew into a soft, whispered, "Kate."

"Mom would be so disappointed in the way I've handled things, but she would love you almost as much as I do."

He held her as close as he could for a long moment before guiding her to the car. The driver had pulled the town car just around the corner and was holding the door open for them. As they waited for him to get to the driver's seat, Castle said, "I think we could both use some serious hugs on the way to the loft," and Kate was immediately accommodating as he raised the privacy panel and pulled her into his lap. Then he used their time alone to luxuriate in her new admissions while taking comfort in her arms and offering the same with his.

"Whatever it is you're about to show me, Rick, I'll try to be as reasonable and forgiving as you were tonight."

"Just remember it's because I love you as much as it suddenly looks like you love me."

AN: Last night, in editing Chapter 3, I realized I had somehow lost chapter 4. Not sure what happened, (Probably a severe case of stupid – including not having made a hard copy or other backup for that chapter yet) but it's gone, seems to be irreparably gone, and will have to be completely recreated. I promised I would have everything posted by Sunday, and I intend to try; but it may be early next week. I'll do my best.