A/N:
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
THIS WAS A DOUBLE UPDATE!
PLEASE ENSURE YOU HAVE READ THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER (254) BEFORE PROCEEDING WITH THIS CHAPTER!
Broken Apart
7
Tense silence hung in the air, and the two sets of panicked eyes of the Avatar and the former Fire Nation soldier flickered between the two siblings. Aang had wanted them to talk things over, but he certainly hadn't expected it to happen this way… let alone did he expect Katara to be so confrontational about it. He knew the expression on her face, though… he knew it would take a lot to appease her, to convince her that whatever conclusions she'd drawn were wrong.
He hoped Sokka would be able to pull it off, no matter how hard it might be… but the miserable man he'd spoken with earlier might not have been entirely ready for a hostile exchange with his sister. He stood still, his eyes on the snow, unable to look at the sister who scowled heavily at him.
"Well? Is that why you were looking for me, then?" Katara spoke again, harshly, without tearing her eyes off her brother. "You were worried that I might have decided I was better off dead than with my family, in my home? Or is it these two were worried about that… and you were just here to wait dutifully for your slaver to return, Sokka?"
"Don't… don't talk about her that way," Sokka hissed, unable to contain himself, knowing it would do no good to snap at his sister… knowing that was exactly why she'd spoken as she had. She wanted to force a confrontation, an argument… and if she disrespected Azula, she was sure to find and start one.
"Oh? That's insulting now?" Katara asked, raising her eyebrows. "Last I knew, she was the whole reason why you became a slave. Also the whole reason why you were proud and happy to be one, apparently. What's so bad about me calling things for what they are, Sokka? Weren't you thrilled to be her gladiator?"
Sokka's fists tightened: even now, he refused to meet her gaze. He couldn't answer her. He wouldn't answer her. If he did, if he caved in…
"You were so thrilled about it that, the minute you weren't that anymore, the minute she apparently granted you your freedom, you decided it was worthless," she continued, folding her arms over her chest. "And you thought dropping dead, right there, would be better. Want to know why I was here? Because, oh, I hoped she'd come back too, just so I could tell her to go to hell and leave you alone!"
"Katara, stop it," Sokka said, finally raising his gaze at last to look at her: anger, masquerading pain. He knew those patterns by heart by now… and how easy it was to break them, to understand them, to see through them when the person who glared at him that way had been a golden-eyed woman, rather than the azure-eyed one who stood before him now. "I know what you're doing, alright? And it will work if you keep this up. So please…"
"Oh? What am I doing, then?" she asked, scoffing, hands on her hips now. "Other than repeating what we already know, what you've already confessed to…"
"You're hurting, Katara," Sokka said, cuttingly enough that his sister seemed taken aback for it. "You're upset because of how careless I was, because of how I acted, and you're lashing out right back at me because you're in pain. I'm not going to pretend I don't deserve it, Katara, but…"
"No, Sokka, you don't deserve it!" Katara roared, scowling heavily. "But I am mad because the person who does isn't here to tell us exactly what she did to you, how she hurt you enough that I had to heal almost every inch of your body, and even now you keep on pretending that she's blameless and that it's all your fault?! I refuse to believe you were a mere walk away from us, in your full capacity to reach the Tribe, and you chose instead to lie there and die in the snow just because you missed her! It's stupid, it makes no sense, and you're just trying to protect her when she's the one who…!"
"That… that's what you've decided to believe? Seriously?" Sokka said, and his previous, stern tone suddenly gained an edge of rage it had lacked so far. "That everything's just a lie to protect her, to make her look better, because I'm an idiot in love with someone who's done nothing but hurt me?!"
"You expect me to believe otherwise, when she swore to me that she'd return you safe and sound?!" Katara asked. "She could've seen you to the village herself if all this is true…!"
"You have no idea what we went through… not a damn clue," Sokka hissed, shaking his head and stepping away from Katara, letting his feet guide him towards the bay once again. "You're jumping to conclusions without even letting me explain anything, rejecting every explanation just because it's too hard to stomach that your brother could have wanted to die upon seeing the woman he loves returning to hell just to protect him!"
"You're stronger than that," Katara hissed, scowling. "You survived all those years in slavery, in that Amateur League, and you're telling me this is when you wanted to die?!"
"Oh, no, Katara: I always wanted to die!" Sokka roared, turning again, his blue eyes piercing into Katara's own. "From the first time I had to kill a man, I've thought I'm the one who deserves to be dead! Every single one I had to kill, I did while wishing they'd overpower me and put an end to my damn misery! But I was also a fucking coward, I couldn't face death, so I fought back and killed them instead! And that went on, on and on, for years until she found me again! Until she fixed what she broke! She gave me a purpose, she gave me the will to keep fighting, she gave me her word that she'd bring me back here, and she fulfilled that promise even if I was begging her to stay with me! If you'll sleep better at night believing I was in a living hell all along, that she never truly loved me, then go ahead and lie to yourself all you want: I know what the truth is, and it doesn't matter how hard it is for you to fathom or stomach, it's still the truth! Even if it's inconvenient for your narrative of turning me into a victim just to feel justified in hating her!"
Katara seemed taken aback this time, though no less upset, no less resentful than before. Kino and Aang stood to the side, unable to even intervene when Sokka's harsh words had frozen them cold just as well. His anger had been stirred and stoked, and he had reacted far too emotionally, far more violently than he had intended to… his earlier words were still true, after all: Katara was in pain. Whatever explanations she'd come up with, they were simply the most palatable ones for her.
"Why do you think I was covered in bandages?" he asked, scowling. "Or is it everyone else removed them before you could see them? Most my burns and wounds had been treated, and you'd know it, because you know more about this stuff than I do. My things… I had everything with me, bags full of belongings, weapons and everything I had while I was there: how do you think I came by any of that? Why would she have brought me home, treated my wounds and ensured I could keep as many of my belongings as possible, if all she'd wanted was to torment and torture me?"
"I don't know," Katara hissed, frowning heavily. "As far as I could tell, maybe you two had a fight. Maybe you had a bad break-up you didn't want to accept, and this is how she handled it. It makes a lot more sense to me than thinking… than thinking you wanted to die right upon reaching our shores. You have no reason… no reason to think something like that, damn it, Sokka. We are your family, your tribe, your home! If I'm so wrong, and you're completely right, then it still makes you an idiot, and an asshole, for simply lying there when you supposedly would've been in perfect shape to come find us! I mean…! Just out of common sense, damn it, you had to know what it'd look like to us! You knew since we last saw each other that I didn't trust her with you, that I barely could stomach seeing you off with her already because I was afraid she'd just turn over a broken man when she grew tired of you, and that's exactly what I saw that day! Whatever the explanation… even if none of my guesses are right, even if she indeed loves you and did all this to protect you, you got hurt! You were beaten, burned, covered in bruises! You're miserable! You're nothing like the man who vanished six years ago…! Nothing like the man I saw last year, either! She swore she'd keep you safe… that she'd bring you back in the best possible shape she could. Is this how your Princess keeps her promises? Is it, really?!"
Sokka clenched his fists again and shook his head. Katara breathed heavily, her accusatory glare still firm on her brother as she trembled, tears of outrage blinking in the corners of her eyes.
"I wish I could believe you… I really do," Katara said, gritting her teeth. "Then… maybe I could just be a good sister and help you through this, somehow. But… all you want is to go back there. To return to the place, the world, that broke you. I thought you'd died, Sokka. I thought she'd killed you! Then, when I heard she'd enslaved you, I hoped you'd escape, rebel, do something to fight back…! And then I found out you were happy, somehow, that way. That this was the way you wanted to live your life now. It… it made no sense to me. It infuriated me! But I tried… I tried to accept it, because at least you were still alive. At least… at least it meant my brother was still somewhere out there. And when my damn hopes to have you home again were finally fulfilled… it turns out this is the last place you wanted to be?"
"I never said that," Sokka hissed, and Katara rolled her eyes. "Be as pissed at me as you want to be Katara… like I said, I accept it. I deserve it. But don't pretend you understand when you haven't even heard half of it. When I've outright said the one thing I wish for… was that she'd chosen to stay here too. I never said I didn't want to be here: what I don't want is for her to go back there, damn it! And considering how much you hate the Fire Nation, how much we all hate that rotten bastard of a Fire Lord, you shouldn't have that much trouble understanding how I feel now: I feel exactly as you did when you first heard I might have died! Exactly as you did when you heard I'd been turned into a slave and was in the hands of the person you hated most!"
Katara's eyes seemed to soften, though the emotion behind them was unreadable right now. Her silence, however, compelled Sokka to believe, to hope, that he had broken through somehow… that she was finally willing to accept his explanations, if just to some degree.
"You've lived with Zuko for years now," Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "You… you do know his own damn father gave him that burn? That he would've likely killed him, if he'd thought he could get away with it? Azula herself told me so. All that… to the child he didn't favor, whom he treated as a pest, something to get rid of. Do you seriously think that, upon being disappointed by the one he had all his expectations on, he'd hold back at all? That he'd do less harm… especially when she's rebelling, actively, against him?"
"Z-Zuko did say…" Aang chimed in, softly. "He said he'd be worse to her. But, well… I would like to think she'll be able to fight back, she's supposed to be an extraordinary bender, isn't she…?"
That Sokka would shake his head, that a new kind of grief seemed to wrack him again, gave the others pause immediately. They had seen her with their own eyes, bending blue and gold fire, they had heard Sokka's outlandish stories about her extraordinary power… had it all been a lie, somehow?
"She can't… she probably can't beat him anymore, even if she tried," Sokka snarled, running a hand over his scalp, tightly yanking some of his long hair in the process, tugging it out of his wolf's tail. "B-before all this shit happened, we… we fought a possessed, hellish spear. And it's going to sound stupid and ridiculous too, of course, you'll think I'm making that up for my own benefit again, won't you? Y-you would've had to be there… t-to see that damn thing flying on its own, the fucking corruption that poured into the cut over her shoulder…! S-she nearly died in my arms, and I could barely do a damn thing…"
"A possessed… a possessed spear?" Aang asked, perplexed. "You mean… a spirit took hold of it somehow?"
"Azula destroyed it…" Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "Saved her people… saved all of us from getting cut and consumed by it. It… it sapped and corrupted chi. It corrupted hers… and she was getting better, but she wasn't fully healed yet when all this shit happened. The wound on her shoulder got worse… after whatever those bastards did to her. She must have fought back… the fucking General of the Imperial Guards hurt her right in front of me and I couldn't do a damn thing to…!"
"Sokka…" Katara said: as softened as she was, her confusion only seemed to increase with every moment, every new bit of Sokka's rambling, passionate rant. "I'm sorry, but I… I'm not understanding anything. Please… please slow down, can you? You… you fought a possessed spear, she was injured, her chi was corrupted…?"
"I've never heard of something like that," Aang admitted, though he shuddered at the implications of that phenomenon. "Her… her lifeforce was corrupted? She was… dying?"
"She even… stopped feeling her inner fire, for a time," Sokka said, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. "It was… it happened barely two months ago, maybe a little more, I… I don't even know anymore. But she was getting better, she was healing… and then this hell happened. We… we were careless. Reckless. We… we should've known better, but we'd beaten our biggest enemy in the League, and even if we thought we'd taken measures to keep everything safe… somehow, we were seen. S-somehow…"
"Seen…?" Kino repeated, gritting his teeth. "Uh… seen, uh, kissing? Or, well…"
"I don't even fucking know," Sokka said, covering his face with his hands. "Don't know when he saw us… could've been at the start, at the end, or the middle, I… I have no idea. But the bastard… just went to Ozai and told him. And then Ozai… Ozai commanded a purity examination on Azula. I… I have no idea how it happened, but I swear I could kill every last one of the pieces of shit who had anything to do with it… any of the scumbags who dared hold her down to fulfill that fucking vile demand…."
The vague images, the hazy words Sokka had revealed until then, suddenly gained a much stronger meaning: as harsh as she had been so far, Katara found herself shrinking in place, utterly horrified. She had no idea what a purity examination truly entailed… there was no such practice in the Water Tribe. She shuddered just to imagine it… her arms crossed over her body, hugging herself as a knife of cold dread seemed to stab her right through the chest.
"Then they came after me," Sokka snarled. "I… fought back, but I couldn't get them all. They reduced me, beat me to a pulp, and that fucking bastard, the General of the Guards, as good as mocked me… one guard encouraged me to surrender because if I didn't, it'd only make everything worse for Azula. Same guy helped me later, got me food when I got dragged to prison…"
"T-they knew it was you? All along, with that purity examination?" Katara asked, horror-struck.
"There wasn't much of a chance it'd be anyone else…" Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "But whatever Iroh saw… he saw me and her, for sure."
"Iroh?" Aang repeated, frowning. "W-wait, isn't that…?"
"Zuko's fucking uncle? That's right," Sokka hissed, trembling violently. "The nicest guy in the damn world, isn't he? Then he… he ran off. Hell knows where he went, he just vanished, he probably panicked when he realized Ozai was seeing red and would want to kill everything he could in retaliation for what we'd done…"
"B-but Zuko… Zuko always thought he was a good uncle," Kino said, puzzled. "Whenever he talked about him…"
"He was a fucking great uncle to Zuko, just as their mother was damn wonderful to him as well," Sokka hissed. "But to her? They were fucking garbage, as far as I can tell, Iroh more than anyone. He… he was trying to tear her down for months before this. We just… we gave him the perfect chance to do it without realizing it, idiots that we were. He… he just wanted Zuko to be the next Fire Lord, and he was ready to get rid of Azula by any means necessary to make sure of that. If he's sorry for it now… it won't even begin to cut it. I'd sooner kill Ozai than him, if I could… but he's not far behind him on the list of people I'd tear to pieces if I had the chance."
The more he spoke, the more their horror increased. Sokka shivered, closing his eyes as he tried to focus… as he tried to return to the crucial point of this accursed story: he didn't need Katara to understand his hatred for Ozai or Iroh, what he needed her to understand was what Azula had endured, what she was willingly subjecting herself to, for his sake.
"I was locked up, then… probably would've been executed immediately on the next day, but Ozai… the son of a bitch decided to interrogate Azula first," Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "He… he wanted her to tell him it was all my doing. That I'd raped her… that she'd never wanted me. To make her a victim… to make me a monster that needed to be destroyed."
Katara's eyes widened: no, Sokka hadn't directly said it right now, but she felt the implication in his words all the same. She had done it too, if to a lesser extent, if in a less destructive way: she had tried to believe Sokka was a victim and Azula a perpetrator only to make things easier for her to fathom…
"She… she refused to do that," Sokka said, tightening his fists as tears streamed down his face. "S-she stood up to him… and told him the truth. She saved my life… and condemned herself in the process, too. After that… he wasn't going to hold back, and he didn't. He posted guards to watch her every move… on me too, in prison, because he guessed we'd try to escape. And he decided she… she'd have to marry his favorite military officer, against her will. The guy, Zhao, he… he sponsored the best gladiator in the League, Combustion Man… he offered to make it a challenge. If his gladiator beat me, then… then he would conform to her old terms to take a husband. If I won… then it meant I'd live for another day, maybe, and he wouldn't have the right to be her husband, I guess. But I… I knew I couldn't win against that bastard, not without resorting to my very worst plan. He nearly killed me… so I killed him. I… I cast bombs at him, filled with volatile gas, and… he went up in flames. I thought I'd die in the fire too, I wasn't strong enough to even move… but Azula leapt off the sponsors' balcony, climbed on her dragon and they snatched me out of there. All three of us… we could've burned to death there. We nearly did…"
Sokka breathed deeply, calming himself for a moment as the flash of merciless, sprawling fire came over him. That moment of watching Combustion Man burning to cinders before his eyes, with Xin Long's silhouette contrasted against the brightness of the flames, and Azula, terrified, desperate and beautiful, reaching out to him, to save him at all costs…
"We escaped on her Barge," Sokka said, his voice small. "Her guards… her squad of Imperial Guards had been under scrutiny ever since the truth was discovered. B-but even then, they did their best to help us. They set up everything up to give us a chance to escape… it could've been for nothing if the fire had gotten us. But we got out… we got away. I fell unconscious then, only woke up on the ship again, and I didn't really come back to my senses until I was being treated by one of her men… t-then she told me she was bringing me here. I… I argued back. I told her to stay with me, she said she couldn't, for everyone's sake. She had to go back… to turn herself in, or her father would tear the Pole to pieces looking for her. She was sure he would've done it even if we'd gone anywhere else, all be it to punish me for my supposed crime of loving his daughter… for getting away and not allowing him to execute me, too. I… I tried to convince her to change her mind, and I damn could've gotten her to do it if… i-if I'd known we could fight back here. If I'd known… t-that we could've had the Avatar on our side."
Aang gasped: Katara's eyes flickered towards him, and she frowned at Sokka.
"Aang… he can't defeat the Fire Lord's forces alone," Katara said, hesitant.
"He wouldn't have to fight them alone," Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "He won't. But… he's probably going to send them anyway. Azula thought she could make him leave us alone somehow, but I have no idea how she planned to pull that off. He's going to send people here to kill me, to take down the whole Tribe with me if they have a chance to. S-so… it was the right choice, sending me here, wasn't it? And returning… it's probably the right choice for her, isn't it? But I just… I can't accept it. I tried, for the ten days of our journey here, I did my best to make my peace with it, but right after she said goodbye, right here… after she'd climbed back on her Barge, I panicked. I… I lost my mind because I couldn't let her go back to that hell, not without me, not when she's going to send her guards away too… she probably already has. She wants to face him, all of his worst, on her own, thinking she can shield us all by doing so. It could be worse if she didn't do this, I'm sure that's true… but I still can't accept it. She's sacrificing herself… returning to a fucking father who'll torture and torment her until he decides he's had his fill. And what if he never does? W-what if… if he doesn't ever stop? What if he kills her, damn it, and I…? And I can't do anything about it?"
Again, he yanked his hair as his biggest, worst fear rushed through him vertiginously. It was the worst possibility… the one he knew would see him losing every shred of his will to live, for sure. But there were countless horrible things Ozai could still do… so many things he could do to hurt his daughter in ways Sokka didn't want to even imagine, for he'd definitely lose his mind if he pondered them. The man was a true monster… he knew no restraint, and even if he'd known any, he was choosing willfully not to abide by any reasonable limits, hung up on punishing his daughter for loving someone he hadn't approved of… for loving a man who had loved her back with every ounce of his heart, body and soul.
"Whatever happens next… she's gone," Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "I… I'm not supposed to see her again, not for years, or even decades, if I ever do. I… I love her. I'll always love her… and I'll never see her again. I'll never be able to help her… I won't have a chance to protect her anymore. She's out there, in her father's control, or about to be, and I'm… I'm here. She wanted me to live on, t-to survive here, to be patient with myself… to be with people who loved me, people who would do right by me. She wanted me back with my family… and then I fucked up so badly you think my stupid stunt was somehow her design, her choice, her doing. It's my mistake, Katara, alright? It was me. I'm the one who… who couldn't fathom a life without her. If you're going to hate anyone for what happened, for the shape in which Zuko found me… then hate me. Not her. I swear… she doesn't deserve your rage, any of it. She is… she is trying to save us all."
Katara's silence could have meant a thousand things, but Sokka couldn't slow down to unravel them as the onslaught of emotions took hold of him again. He brushed his eyes forcefully with the back of his hand, wiping the tears violently as his breath hitched. Maybe none of this would work… maybe his sister wouldn't care, maybe she wouldn't change her mind about Azula, no matter how much she heard about the choices, the mistakes, that had brought him here…
"So you just… watched her go, begging her to return, and you didn't do what she'd told you to?" Katara asked. "If… if she did all this because she wanted to help you come back to us… why couldn't you at least try? Sokka…"
"Because I… I'm a rebellious piece of shit," Sokka said, bluntly. "I… I failed her at the last moment. Just after… after asking her to promise she'd come back for me, even if we're both a hundred years-old by then, I nearly threw away my life right then and there because… because it hurt so badly, damn it. B-because I watched her vanish that way… because every moment I lived by her side is etched into my memory, and I can't let go of any of them. Because… because we'd sworn to be together forever. Because we had a future… we were going to move to the Earth Kingdom. We were going to have a home of our own, as she fixed so much of what her father had broken… he was going to give her a new title, enough power to save even more lives than she already had. And all that… all of it went to waste over a single fucking stupid mistake. Just one… one moment of weakness, and everything was gone. In… in less than three months, I've had to watch the woman I love be shattered and broken by the worst of hardships, one after the other. I'd sworn I'd help her heal… I'd meant to stay by her side all along, and I can't do it anymore! I can't… I can't do anything else for her. She needs me… I know she will, and I need her, too. A bond like ours… it can't be broken. But it can hurt, damn it, it can hurt like hell… and it does right now. Because she's out of reach… because she's gone, and I can't do anything about it."
Katara swallowed hard, lowering her gaze as she struggled to figure out what to say. It had been much easier to trick herself into believing any other explanations, any conjectures she had thought of… so much easier than accepting all this. But how selfish would it be to dismiss Sokka's suffering, to diminish it and pretend his grief and suffering were all of his own making? How cruel would it be to deny the love he was certain had existed, when Katara herself had no true basis to refute it…? When his arguments to prove it had been far more convincing and compelling than she had ever anticipated?
"I'm not… not asking you to like this, Katara," Sokka said, gritting his teeth. "I know… understanding this isn't easy. I know why you struggle to come to terms with my relationship with her… I don't blame you, and I never did. I owed you so many more explanations back in Whaletail Island, but there wasn't enough time. But she tried, Katara… she tried her best, she took every single risk she could to protect me and keep me safe. She's doing the same thing now, too… risking everything for all of us. You don't have to like her… I mean, you're not even bound to ever see her again, so… you really don't have to. But Katara… please, just let yourself believe, if just for a moment, that everything I've said is true. That she loved me enough to take all these risks for me. That she's making all these sacrifices, jumping into the inferno, regardless of all the pain she's already been through. That she's going back to her father, the same unforgivable, rotten son of a bitch who gave out an order for his fucking soldiers and physicians to violate her, knowing he might order even worse things against her next. Not knowing if… if he'll burn her even worse than he burned Zuko while she's powerless to stop him. Not knowing just how far the bastard's willing to go just to make her break… but still walking back into that hell, headfirst, willingly… just to keep everyone else safe. Even people who might never thank her… people who might never even imagine how much pain she's put herself through for their sake."
Katara's eyes filled with tears now, tears she didn't wish for: she didn't want to feel any empathy for that woman… for that Princess. She had taken Sokka away… she had hurt him, tossed him in the Amateur Arena, kept him from his home for years…
And then she had brought him back. She had given him back to his people. She had refused to let Sokka go down in history as an atrocious rapist, she had even been willing to jump into sprawling flames to save his life when she lacked the strength to defend herself from all harm. She had endured an unwanted, invasive examination… she had taken responsibility for her illicit relationship with her gladiator, no matter the horrific consequences it could entail for her.
Her father was a monster… her father was the worst man in the world, without a doubt. It was something Katara had never questioned… but he had already burned his son, and everyone who knew him seemed to agree that it wasn't the worst he was capable of. She couldn't imagine what it was like, growing up with a father who couldn't be trusted… a father who was dangerous for her. Her distress over Hakoda's trip to fight in the war was nothing, she realized, compared to having a father so dreadful, so merciless, that he had decided to torture his daughter in retaliation for the alleged crime of loving someone she wasn't supposed to love. If Sokka's whole story was true… if Azula's words in Whaletail Island had been true…
She raised her gaze towards Sokka again, finding him heartbroken and devastated. She stepped forward, and he seemed to flinch away from her at first, but she didn't walk away. Her lips parted, as she hoped the right words would come to her… but she had to force herself to talk, regardless of that.
"I… I'm not trying to negate your pain," Katara said, softly. "I'm sorry for… for rejecting your explanations without hearing them out in full. I… I guess you're right, Sokka, I am hurt, because we… we love you. We love you just as you say she did, and you know that, don't you?"
Sokka gritted his teeth as more tears poured down his cheeks. Katara's hands dared reach for his arms slowly, trembling still.
"You're valuable… you matter to us. J-just as… as you say you mattered to her. I… I have trouble believing all this, you know I do, and I'm sorry for that, but… but I'll try. If it's all true, Sokka… i-if all you said is true, then please… p-please, give us a chance. Give me time to… t-to accept this, to understand you better, if I can. I know I'm selfish for just wanting my brother back, when you're going through… through so much, when you've been going through it for longer than I know. But… you're safe with us. You'll be safe… forever. For good. We're your family, Sokka…"
"I never doubted that you were, Katara, but I… I never wanted to come back like this," Sokka snarled, shaking his head. "I… I wanted to be back here with her. S-so you could all know her… so you could see what I see. So she could be part of this family, just as well… because she's part of me, and always will be."
Katara frowned upon realizing his words seemed to imply a deeper meaning… a meaning that became clearer when Sokka yanked his mitten off, uncovering his right hand: revealing the scar etched across his palm.
She gasped, and she glanced at Sokka in utmost disbelief. Aang and Kino, away as they were, couldn't see the scar directly… but they could infer its presence all the same through Sokka's actions, and Katara's reaction. Sokka trembled again, tears surging and pouring down his face as his sister covered her mouth with a hand.
"She… she deserved this too," Sokka sobbed. "T-to be with people who… who would love her just as you all love me. She should be here… she should be with us. And every second that goes by, every moment that she's not… it's just another moment I feel I'm dying, and I can't help but think… t-that none of you deserve to deal with me when I'm like this. I wanted… to come back as a proud, strong man. N-not as this wreck… not as a heartbroken fool who can't ever stop regretting that… that his wife isn't with him anymore."
Aang and Kino gasped, just as Katara's tear-filled eyes overflowed. She couldn't believe it… she couldn't, and yet it was there. Sokka wouldn't be so crazy as to cut his hand for some sort of joke, he knew what a marriage ceremony entailed, what it meant… he couldn't have done this on his own. Azula had to have done it with him… she had to sport a scar just like his, signaling the union between them, the everlasting bond that would always brand them as connected to each other… they had gotten married in secret, damn it, and by the Water Tribe rite as well.
Katara's chest heaved now as she shook her head. Sokka dropped his hand, not knowing what the actual meaning of his sister's gesture was… not knowing if he wanted to understand it, either. If she was rejecting his explanations again… oh, so be it. Let her believe whatever she wanted to believe. He was tired… he was too tired. If baring his soul to her, to her two best friends, wasn't enough yet, then maybe nothing ever would be. What did it matter, at this point? Even if she never understood him, it wouldn't make his pain, his truths, any less real than they were.
"I… I'm sorry."
His sister's words could have caught him by surprise: their tone almost did, but he was far too distraught to react to them. Tears streamed down his face, dropping on the snow… just as they had that day. How many tears had he cried since the moment she had sailed away? How many times had he felt broken, forsaken, helpless, since he had first dreamt of the nefarious fate she could have found at Rhone's hands? He was overwhelmed… he couldn't take it anymore. His heart's injuries were far deeper, and much more painful, than any of those that Katara had healed with her bending upon his return to the South Pole.
She touched his forearms first… then his upper arms, and then he found himself wrapped in his sister's arms. His hands trembled as he raised them, touching her shoulders hesitantly at first, before his embrace gained strength and he clung to her, devastated, mortified, desperate. He was sorry too… he was sorry for a thousand things, for all the grief he had put her through, for all the mistakes he'd made that she had been afflicted by. He was sorry he couldn't rejoice in his return, not the right way, not as everyone wanted him to… he was sorry for more things than he could ever explain.
Aang seemed to watch them hopelessly, same as Kino, standing beside him, his fishing trip long forgotten by now. All of them had understood better… all of them had heard that truncated version of Sokka's story so far and now they could see, far more clearly, how far Azula had gone to protect and save everyone either of them had ever cared for. Whether Sokka's relationship with Katara would ever be amended fully or not, Sokka didn't know… but that she'd embrace him willingly had to be a good sign towards that end. Was it, however, something he deserved? Was it fair for him to be accepted, cherished, loved by his people…? Would the Fire Nation ever show this sort of mercy and devotion to the extraordinary woman who had done her very best to save them from every threat that ever rose against it? Could she ever be at peace, just as she had wanted him to be…? Would she ever be so lucky…? Would Ozai show mercy, of any kind, on the daughter who had allegedly betrayed him?
He couldn't fulfill Azula's wish, he knew that now. He couldn't find peace… not like this. Not when he couldn't know if she'd find any of her own, not when his heart would remain broken until their paths crossed once again. Not until he returned to her, or she to him… and merely standing in this devastating place once again seemed to convince him that neither thing would come to pass. They had been fated to be broken apart, they couldn't change destiny, no matter how many times they had tried to forge a different path…
Maybe someday he'd truly learn how to rewrite the stars. How to change them, so they could finally shine in their favor… until that day, he would find no peace, no comfort, no true happiness… not until the woman who had intended to share her life with him could find them, too.
After days of not bathing at all, soaking in a bathtub for the second time in one day seemed excessive, if welcome. The water had been warmed properly for her and she sat alone in silence as her friends worked to find another set of clothes for her… and prepare the concoction she'd need to drink, too.
The warmth comforted her… and yet it couldn't thaw the heart that had been frozen over by her decision. With eyes closed, basking in the sensations around her skin, intrusive thoughts would break into her mind too often to ignore, memories she didn't need to revisit, not right now. Not when she'd made her choice… not when she'd decided this was the path she had to stay on.
There was no point in questioning it: how could she give her father yet more means through which to control her? If he was willing to kill Xin Long – who had sent her countless worried thoughts so far, urging her to explain whatever was going on, for he couldn't understand the jumble of thoughts in her mind yet –, how would he ever hold back with something he'd interpret as the worst possible evidence of her alleged treason? Even if the child miraculously looked like her on birth, no one with sense would assume the child couldn't be Sokka's…
Curses, but why now? Why now? She gritted her teeth, yanking her soaked hair as she shook her head repeatedly. Yes, they had been careless, so careless she hadn't even remembered her tea a single time after they'd been discovered… any of their encounters after that moment could have resulted in pregnancy if the tea truly lost its effect unless it was consumed on a daily basis. It hadn't even crossed her mind once, though. All those nights, holding him in her arms, soothing him when the pain of his injuries was too great, giving herself to him gladly whenever the midnight nectar enabled him to make passionate love to her… not once had the thought come to mind. Her period, damn it… she really couldn't remember the last time she'd had it. Sometime before her week as Fire Lord? If so, had the tea failed earlier yet? Oh, she had no idea. Maybe it was only a matter of her chi corruption, maybe her bodily functions had been utterly out of place after that, and upon finally being close to restoration, the nightmares of the past month had taken place, and every attempt to reclaim normality had faded to oblivion.
If only Iroh hadn't seen a damn thing… she still didn't know how he'd seen anything at all, curse him, maybe he hadn't and he'd just given Ozai a lucky guess, all be it to screw her over after their victory over Toph. Who'd have thought retaliation for such a petty matter could have such sprawling, dreadful consequences? Granted, it was Iroh… the man was a mastermind in his own right. She had ruined many lives so far… if she could do it, so could he. Did he regret it, she wondered? Would he ever regret it, if he knew what kind of hell he had subjected her to? Or would he think she had asked for it… would he think she deserved it?
Iroh's personal involvement in her disgraces had very little importance now, though: while he had effectively inflicted this never-ending nightmare on her, it was Ozai who constantly chose to make matters worse… it was Ozai who would continue to torment her into an early grave, at this rate. She wanted to keep going, to some degree, to fight on and live on for all the reasons why she'd chosen to return… but seeing as she had her back against the wall, and countless blades poised to run her through if she so much as took a step forward, she could barely see what her return to the Fire Nation could accomplish anymore.
If only Sokka were here… the situation felt much like the slave riot had, if she gave it some thought. She had lost all ability to see ahead, she had failed to find solutions while he had been out in the field, saving lives when she had simply been powerless. But this time… this time he wasn't here. He couldn't help her… he knew nothing about the latest hardships she had endured. She had never thought the day would come when she'd look to someone else, anyone else, to save her from her misery… but it was Sokka. He was the one person she would have entrusted anything, everything to. He had saved her so many times as it was, in just about every way she could have been saved. He was her equal match… her counterweight, the one who took action when she no longer could.
And he was gone. He was out of reach. He couldn't save her now, not from her father, not from making a dreadful decision, not from herself.
She had known from the start that she would miss him terribly. She had told him so, and he had responded in kind. What would his life be like right now? Had his family welcomed him as the hero he was, as she had always believed they would? She sure hoped so. He deserved nothing less…
Odd as it might be, upon envisioning a brighter future for him, it became so much easier to feel some renewed strength inside her soul. Upon closing her eyes and imagining his tribe as best she could, imagining an older version of Sokka, his father, wrapping him in a warm embrace, tears of hope sprang in her eyes. She truly wished that had happened… she truly longed for it. If he was okay… if he was living a better life than her, her sacrifices hadn't gone to waste.
She should have done the same for Xin Long… she shouldn't have let him come with her, not when he should have gone to his fellow dragons, not after Ozai had already attempted to restrain him once before. Her dragon had rejected the notion of leaving her alone completely, fiercely… but she knew that, regardless of whatever choices she made going forward, Xin Long would be swallowed whole by the dark nightmares intended to hurt Azula. He didn't deserve to pay… he didn't deserve to suffer through everything he'd endured so far. He had been lost in darkness, long ago, afraid of a world of light, until he had finally discovered there was much beauty, and no end of wonders, in everything he had never experienced. He had never wanted to return to a life of nothing but darkness, of entrapment… and that was what he'd endure now, just because she loved him. Just because she treasured his life, his very existence, as deeply as she did.
Xin Long had to be the last of it, though… Azula could barely live with what he was enduring now. If her dragon was slain, she as well would be better off dead. She couldn't give her father further reason to hurt her… further reason to punish her.
Regardless of her choice with the child, she'd still have to marry Zhao to keep her dragon alive.
The thought brought another wave of rejection, of sickness, coursing through her. Oh, it could be worse, she knew it could be… Shaofeng, for instance, was just as unmarried as Zhao was, and she sure as hell would pick the Admiral over the General if she had no other choice. Maybe her father would worsen the candidates if she rejected Zhao… always ensuring to give her the worst possible matches, all be it to ensure she couldn't continue to cling to her hopes of remaining faithful and loyal to the man who owned her heart. The very idea of being forced into matrimony with anyone else… it had been done countless times in history, to highborn women younger than her, with men even older than Zhao, but that realization only made her angrier still. That awful practice was so wrong, so messed up she felt her chest collapsing at the thought of being subjected to it. It was Sokka… it was only Sokka. She had wanted him, and only him. He loved her… he had loved her in every way he could, treasuring her, offering her every opportunity to grow by his side, to discover she wasn't the monster she had ever dreaded herself to be… how could she ever take another husband if not him? Whatever the damn fortuneteller's predictions, she couldn't care less: she wanted no loveless marriage. She refused to accept, to fathom, any other possibility besides Sokka.
She hugged her knees to her chest, dipping her face in the water: tears trailed down her face again, melding with the tub's water. Crying exhausted her… and yet she'd spent days doing it, it seemed, to a point where her usual headaches after shedding tears had become her new normal. Would she ever stop crying, after all this? She suspected not… not unless her fortune took a turn so unexpected and grand that everything she dreaded, everything she hated, would vanish and be replaced with beautiful, blissful surprises instead. The odds for that to happen, she knew, were non-existent.
This wasn't meant to be a moment to wallow in self-pity, but a moment to steel her resolve and ensure she could do what she needed to do… she had hoped to make it so, but her thoughts were treacherous in ways quite different from what her father would call treason. She would slip down dangerous paths, thinking of many things she should keep well out of her mind, when she should be focusing on gathering her strength to do what needed to be done…
It was small, too small to count, even if she had indeed conceived anything. It wasn't conscious… it was barely alive as it was. Mai had said it herself, many women lost children without even knowing it… curses, some actually wanted to have them and still couldn't carry a pregnancy to term. It was a tragedy, no doubt… but if those people had moved on with their lives, so could she. Even if her life was going to be further misery and struggle, this was what she needed to do… for she couldn't bring a child into a life like this one, no matter what. She couldn't bring Sokka's child into a life like this one.
She raised her head above the water and gasped, breathing again, though furiously: she shouldn't think of it this way. It wasn't a child yet… it wasn't. She couldn't even let herself internalize that idea, because the minute she did, she'd lose all her resolve all over again. If she was to stay rational, she had to keep her emotional distance from the situation. It wasn't Sokka's child, no, it wasn't her child either, not at this point… it was a natural result of carelessness, but it wasn't something solid, something real, just yet. That was the only way to see this through. The only way…
The water's warmth had faded by then, and she saw no sense in staying in the tub if it would be cold – her soul felt cold enough as it was. She rose, climbed out and picked up the towel Mai had used on her rain-soaked head earlier, drying herself clumsily, hastily. She had to do this as quickly as possible, whether she liked it or not. That was part of the problem, without a doubt… she needed to act. She needed to put a stop to her ever-overthinking mind through action.
Ty Lee had left a new set of clothes on a corner of the room. Dressing up in Mai's typical choice in apparel wouldn't have been Azula's first choice, usually… but today, the high-collared, broad-sleeved and dark-colored tunics seemed to suit her personal misery perfectly well. She moved slowly, systematically, putting on layer after layer until she was done. Then, she'd go to the kitchen and she'd do it. Whatever she had to swallow, she'd swallow it and then she'd be free to regret her choices and hate herself for them, much as she already did when it came to Sokka, to her guards, to Xin Long…
She opened the indoors bathroom's door only to stop halfway through her motions: she heard voices by the kitchen, Yuudai's voice… was it time for his afternoon snack, maybe? Whatever it was, she hesitated to show herself in front of the child, or the servants… oh, curses, the child.
He chatted animatedly, though she scarcely understood his words at first. The voice of a servant answered, but then he seemed to decide that, whatever he wanted, he needed someone of greater authority to grant it… and of course, he turned to his mother.
"Mom, I'll eat my dinner later too, I will!"
"Yuudai, please. I promised you could have some tomorrow and you will. Now, please, don't give Shuai more trouble, will you? Stay put here and eat your fruit. No sweets."
"But Moooom…!"
The kitchen door swung open: it was merely two doors away from the bathroom Azula had been led to earlier. Mai and Ty Lee slid out of the kitchen, closing the door behind themselves, blocking out Yuudai's onslaught of pleading complaints. Mai sighed, shaking her head before glancing at the ajar bathroom door…
"Hope she's still in there," she muttered to Ty Lee, who swallowed hard but nodded.
The two friends had known they'd have some trouble arranging proper privacy for Azula to drink the brew she'd requested. Once Mai had finished her work, cleaning up every shred of evidence and putting away the recipe safely, she had carried it upstairs and placed it in one of the vacant rooms in the house, the one Suki had stayed in back when Ty Lee had first retrieved her. Seldom did anyone enter that room for any purposes but cleaning, but Yuudai's room was right across it, and he or the servant with him might have noticed Azula if they brought her upstairs, even if to another room.
Thus, Mai had chosen to call the servant by the door, asking her to start working on dinner now and to set aside her surveillance duties for the time being. Then, she had summoned the other servant with Yuudai, suggesting he could eat some fruit and drink juice for his snack… only for Yuudai to protest the healthy suggestion, unsurprisingly. All the servants were busy now, though, and well out of the way for their plan's next stage… and that meant it was time to fetch Azula.
Mai approached quietly, pushing the door to the side subtly. She hadn't realized she genuinely expected Azula not to be there until she was surprised by her presence instead: all hopes that the bath would somehow soothe the Princess, however, appeared utterly unfounded.
Her head was hung, and she seemed to breathe heavily, a hand struggling to find purchase on a nearby wall: Ty Lee darted forward, clasping Azula's hand in hers, wrapping the other arm around her waist, in fear that her friend would pass out or lose her footing.
"Azula…!" she gasped. Azula snarled, shaking her head as she covered her face with her hands.
She had it wrong, in so many ways. Oh, she was stupid, so stupid, for letting anything sway her at all, when the only choice going forward was as obvious as it was…
But that young voice, the careless way in which he spoke, the casual behavior, as though catastrophic things weren't happening at all… he was so innocent, just a boy, and he looked to his mother for guidance, for support, for whatever choices he was allowed to make. She had seen him with his mother since he was born… he had been so small and so clingy with Mai. He had become a chatty, wild thing later, so unlike his mother… he had a close relationship with her and with his father, who even took him to work alongside him sometimes, just to spend more time with his son.
Her jaw hurt with how violent her snarl was as she struggled to find her bearings, as she tried to bring back the rational thinking she was losing sight of. For she remembered those rare moments when Mai had asked her to hold Yuudai… when Sokka had tried to play with the young boy, showing him his boomerang as the child sat on Azula's lap. That one time, when he had warned Yuudai not to approach him, to no avail, after he had wound up too sweaty after a day of training…
The kids they'd seen, back in Firelight Town, gazing at them with admiration. Even the child she had argued with at Piandao's Mansion, when Sokka had tried to intervene to cool things down… and Huiwen, Sokka's apprentice, whom she had encouraged often by claiming she would take him as her gladiator instead, with whom she had even ganged up on Sokka once, laughing carelessly as Sokka pretended to be affronted over her unexpected betrayal.
Stupid, she was so stupid, she couldn't let this break her, she couldn't, and yet…
"Azula, calm down…" Mai said, frowning as she stepped closer. "Everything's ready, but… but if you need more time to…"
"N-no, no, I… I can't," Azula said, shaking her head violently, just as violently as she brushed the tears away. "I have to do this. I have… I have to. D-don't give me more time. Just give me the damn thing, give it to me now, I'll swallow it and be done with it…"
"Azula…" Ty Lee gasped, clasping her friend's shoulder gently. "You shouldn't force yourself to…"
"I have no choice, damn it. No choice. The more time I waste, the more I dawdle, the harder it gets… so just let me do it now," Azula said, gritting her teeth.
She was sure she'd regret it. She would learn to live with it… or she wouldn't. Either way, she had no choice. She had to do this, at all costs. Whatever she had to drink, she'd do it, immediately.
Mai seemed to hesitate, just as much as Ty Lee did, but she nodded solemnly before long. Ty Lee appeared most unconvinced about taking Azula to the room they'd prepared, but Mai clasped Azula's wrist and guided her towards the stairs. The Princess didn't even ask what they were doing, or where they were going… all she needed was action, no thoughts, just action. She couldn't let doubts take hold of her heart again: she needed to act right now.
"It's upstairs, alright? We left it there. No one will know what you're drinking, no one will find out at all," Mai said, patting Azula's back reassuringly as they started climbing the steps, with a remorseful Ty Lee following them. "We can stay with you until you do it… but I don't know if that will help. So… if you'd rather do it alone, we'll understand."
Azula swallowed hard but nodded, climbing all the way to the second floor with trembling legs. She had never felt so weak… she had never felt so ill. She wanted to throw up again: was it a pregnancy symptom, or was it merely her conflicting emotions, causing all sorts of havoc across her body? It had to be the latter, maybe there was no child to begin with, maybe she'd drink that thing for nothing…
She had little recollection of the room Mai had guided her to, but she stepped inside it to find a small table within… and a small cup with a green, thick substance at its center. A glass of water sat on the table as well, to chase down the green thing, Azula guessed…
"Alright, here we are," Mai said, swallowing hard. "Take your time, or not at all… Ty Lee and I will be right outside, okay?"
"Okay… okay," Azula whispered, closing her eyes as she accepted Mai's decision. No doubt, neither her nor Ty Lee wanted to see this. Azula wasn't about to force them to endure it, either.
Mai still helped her all the way to the table, setting her down on a cushion that had been laid in place for her. Azula knelt on it, somewhat relieved not to have to stand on her unstable, trembling legs anymore… her gaze fell upon that green substance again: she would have to drink it soon. It wasn't a lot… two mouthfuls, perhaps. She could handle that. It would be easy, even…
"Azula…" Ty Lee glanced at her, as Mai tried to guide her out the door. "I… I know this is bad. I know it's… hard. Maybe harder than anything else you've ever done. J-just… just know we're here for you. No matter what… we're here for you."
Azula swallowed hard but nodded. Both Mai and Ty Lee gazed at her with wistful remorse… but they turned on their heels and stepped past the door, closing it behind them.
Again, Azula was alone.
She would raise a hand and drink that substance. She would. Eventually, her limbs would stop rebelling and she would be able to do it. Eventually.
A deep breath, then another, then another… once again, she decided to count them, hoping the numbers scrolling through her mind would drown out every other voice in her head, screaming at her not to do this. Whether the voice belonged to her dragon, to herself, even to the man she loved… it was hard to say. All she could do was tremble and do her best to ignore them.
"There's no other choice," she repeated to herself, tightening a fist over the table. "This is all… all I can do. The best thing I could do for…"
She couldn't think of a proper word to describe it… one that truly would help her put enough emotional distance between her actions and the sin she was close to committing. Oh, it was a true sin this time, far greater and more devastating than any of her mistakes so far. She had done her best to protect people, and the mistake in those cases hadn't been in her actions, but in her lack of foresight, in her underestimation of her enemies, of her father. But this… once she drank that thing, she knew she would hate herself for it for as long as she lived. She would, she knew as much, and there was no point in lying to herself about that right now. All she had to do was convince herself, somehow, that it was worth it. That it would be the best choice going forward.
It was one less weapon Ozai could use against her. It was one way to lighten her load, excessive and overwhelming as it had become. If she tried to pass the child as Zhao's, the man would surely suspect her of lying from the get-go. Even if she somehow got away with the deceit, she would only have a few moments with the child before having to send it away somehow, and who did she even trust to pull off such a dangerous mission? No one… she had no one to rely on for something so delicate, no one she could entrust her child to. She couldn't put Mai and Ty Lee at further risk, as things stood… there was no one else, no one who could hide her child safely from her father's reach.
If someone came to mind eventually, what difference would it make? She wouldn't have much time with the child anyway, regardless of the situation. She would have no time to be…
To be a mother.
A whimper broke past her lips as she covered her mouth with her hands. She wasn't ready… she had no idea how to be one. This was something she was supposed to learn with Sokka, something she would take her time to unravel and truly understand… where she faltered, he'd fill in for her failings, and she'd do the same for him. They would have been a team… they would have figured out the process together. They would have held their child once it was born, laughed upon wondering what names to choose… Sokka Jr., and Azula Jr., were the only ones she remembered them bringing up, so long ago. How he'd crafted a whole world, a whole reality for her, that very night… how he had frequently assured her that, regardless of her doubts, she could have been a great mother.
She had never believed him, not fully. She had hoped he was right… but she had little reason to trust that he was. His opinion of her… it was far too idealistic, and he loved her so much he was as good as blind to her many faults. A great mother… curses, he thought she'd be a great mother, and the first damn choice she'd make, for the only child she'd ever bear for him, was to end the pregnancy…?
"Clearly your father doesn't care to see his daughter is becoming a monster!"
Azula gasped, wincing at the sudden callback… at the unwanted memory, returning dangerously at the worst possible moment. No… Ozai didn't care to see her becoming a monster, for he was one himself. To think the day had come when her mother's words, which had scarred her for a lifetime, had gained a wholly different meaning, turning instead into a warning, of some sort… no, Ozai didn't care. He never had. He would push her into becoming a monster, he encouraged her in that direction, even if she wanted nothing to do with that sort of life anymore…
Sokka had always told her that her mother's words weren't true. That she was better than that, that she wasn't what she feared, that all her emotions were proof of it… that her passions, her ambitions, didn't make her any lesser than other people. He had set her free from her worst fears, from the overwhelming sensation that, upon looking back on herself, she would only discover she was utterly worthless, not even human. But he had always believed, firmly, that she was no monster…
Would a monster hesitate? Would a monster cry? Would a monster delay this moment as much as she had, unwilling to pick up that simple, small cup and raise it to her lips?
Maybe it would. Maybe the hesitation, the tears, the fears, could make her human enough… but if she acted upon this, would she still believe herself better than what her mother had thought of her? If her first, immediate choice, upon potentially conceiving a child with the man she loved, was killing it…?
No, damn it, it was no child, not at this point, she couldn't let herself think that, she knew she couldn't…
For that word meant a little boy or girl, with dark skin and darker hair, running on stubby legs, chasing fireflies in the night. It meant a set of bright blue or gold eyes, as beautiful as the smile that would spread upon their faces. It meant laughter… it meant tears, all of it lined with innocence and wonderment, with a longing to expand their horizons, to explore whatever marvels their world could offer. It meant a cheerful, strong voice, or perhaps a soft-spoken one… it meant wrapping them in blankets, ensuring the chill of night wouldn't get to them. It meant dreams, hopes for the future, whims and wild games… it meant thirst for life, unquenchable and passionate, driving them forward as they sought to find a place to belong in.
Never before had the idea of a child held any appeal… never had she slowed down to ponder it properly, simply because she had so much to achieve, so many ambitions to fulfill, and that was something to think about when the right moment arrived. What would ever count as the right moment? Her every hope for the future had been stripped away from her… there was nothing in her bleak horizon anymore, where once there had been a brilliant destiny she could barely wait to chase after.
But maybe it hadn't held any appeal because she had never pondered it in full… because Sokka had brought her true contentment and fulfillment for as long as their love had grown and strengthened. She hadn't needed more… she hadn't asked for more. He was her future… it was him. She had wanted him by her side, at all costs…
Their relationship had been addictive, fascinating, blinding her to so much more she could have sought and wanted, all because she wanted to focus on him, instead. His wit, his strength, his kindness… she had loved it all, because it was part of him.
This child was part of him, too.
It was part of her, just as well.
She trembled violently, trying to reel her thoughts back at first… but then, why stop them? Why would she stop now… when deep down, she wanted to let her thoughts run away with her? No… she couldn't do it without letting herself glimpse this future first, just as she had allowed Sokka to fill her mind with fantasies that night, aboard her Barge…
This would be a fantasy as well. She wouldn't let it go any further than that. She would imagine it, see it in her mind's eye, and let herself grieve for what couldn't be, to dream of what should have been… to imagine herself in a magnificent fortress, someplace far removed from the world, safe and sound behind its large walls. To hear the roaring of many dragons, flying across their land, safe, sound and free. To imagine the rattling of cookware, as Song worked in the kitchen to prepare Rui Shi's favorite roast duck, eager to finish it just in time for his shift to end. Right outside, in the courtyard, Toph would work hard to develop her skills at bending with metal weapons, training with Haru and Ty Lee, who would work smoothly together to keep the earthbending prodigy on her toes. A visit would arrive… Mei Xun, bearing news of the excellent performance of the Enforcers, promising the next raids would be a great success. Another glance through the corridors, and in yet another courtyard, her brother and his children, along with his wife, basking in the sun's warmth, in the blissful breeze. They would sit with Mai, Yuudai and Ruon Jian as well, enjoying a peaceful day together.
Just then, from the next corridor she turned, would rush that very smiling child she had imagined moments ago… the child who had never known danger, unhappiness or struggle. The child who gazed at her with the same trust and confidence with which Yuudai gazed at Mai… the child through whom Azula would become a mother.
Just behind them, that tall, strong, proud man would smile at her as well… mirroring the grin on their child's face. He would step closer as she leaned down… and how light their child would be, so easy to hold, cheerful and beautiful when Azula wrapped her arms around that small body. The illusion in those eyes, the heartfelt affection that came naturally, that felt like an inevitable instinct for children, who longed for the love of their parents…
That smile on the father's face spoke for itself: he had known she could do this. He had trusted her, all along… he had believed in her choices. He had granted her strength when she had faltered… he had brought her joy when she had known none of it. Together they had created that small child in her arms, in their arms, for he now enveloped them both in his embrace. They were a family… a family. It was one of their making… one they had chosen to build together. No matter the hardships, they were happy. It was how everything should be.
The images faded from her mind, and Azula found she had cried on the table throughout all of it: tears pooled over the wooden surface, as she shook violently with longing, wishing that sort of world, all those possibilities, could be brought into existence just by willing it. If only reality could go away… if only she could replace it, but she couldn't. She couldn't.
She had made her choice. She had to abide by it. However difficult it was, she had to do it.
"I'm sorry," she managed to mouth, as more tears poured down her cheeks. "I'm sorry…"
She reached for the cup, and the flashes of those moments returned, crossing her mind again, at first pleasantly, but soon, not so much: it was impossible. None of that could happen, none of that would ever happen, even if she kept the child, it wouldn't happen…
"There are girls in your future, and perhaps one boy, if I'm reading this correctly!"
"Can you imagine that, though? For our daughter to be just like you, but of course, tiny-sized. With your beautiful hair and eyes…"
"The idea of having that sort of life with you is beautiful to me."
It hurt. Oh, it hurt so badly it was as though she was on the Barge again, seeing Sokka for the last time, feeling her chest split open with loss and desperation.
But just as that day, she needed to go on. She needed to go on. No flashes in her mind of whatever that child could grow up to be could change her decision anymore… she couldn't allow it. Curses, it was something to dream of, to imagine, to lose herself to in careless visions of an impossible future…
It wasn't something to want, not the way her damn fickle heart suddenly seemed to. She had no idea of how to be a mother… she had no idea of how to be a mother…
The cup touched her lips: her trembling grip still managed to tilt it, and the substance would soon reach her mouth. She trembled, all of her…
It would be easier, being a monster. It would be so much easier, once it was done…
Suddenly, she grew aware of the weight in her pocket. The necklace… Sokka's necklace. The first source of relief she'd found upon returning to the Fire Nation. The first means of encouragement, to assure herself she could keep going, she could still go on…
When the liquid touched her lips, she realized she didn't want it to be any easier.
Even if it was for just an instant, even if it was for just a moment…
Even if it was just for a brief period of her life, far briefer than the one she had shared with Sokka.
He had asked her not to regret their love… she had told her father, directly, that she only regretted being caught.
She couldn't regret the love that had brought her to this point.
This was all she had left of Sokka anymore.
It was him, and it was her.
It was the two of them.
She tilted the cup backwards: the liquid swayed in place, waiting for her to rebuild her resolve. The substance lingered on her lips, which hadn't opened at all, though they trembled violently as she struggled to unravel her instincts, her impulses, her rationale, her emotions… everything conflicted, everything clashed…
Until nothing did.
Until she found herself facing a certainty that brought her to tears again:
She didn't want this.
After struggling against her impulsive heart, finally she'd reached an answer, one she could no longer reject: an answer she clung to now, on that moment, as she tightened her grip on that cup.
She couldn't do this.
Moreover… she wouldn't do this.
She raised her left hand to her mouth, wiping the substance off frantically: no more. No more regrets. No more choices she couldn't live with.
She'd have something to live for if she didn't drink this damn concoction… and she'd sworn to Sokka that she'd return to him someday. That she'd live for him… for the hopes that they would find their way to each other once more. This, she realized, was but another way to fulfill that promise.
She'd had enough. It was enough: this was all she had left of him, and she intended to protect it with every ounce of strength she had left, even if there wasn't much of it anymore.
The liquid spilled as she raised the cup anew… but this time, her arm drew back as she flung it rashly, violently, towards the closed door.
It shattered in a thousand pieces, the green substance splattered on the wood, the noise of the breaking ceramic startling the house's occupants enough that someone screamed in surprise.
The door swung open in a hurry: Mai and Ty Lee stood at the other side of the threshold, glancing inside with wide, confused eyes… and that confusion didn't fade when they spotted their friend, an arm still extended after having tossed that cup with as much strength as she could muster. She shivered where she sat, breathing heavily, a soft whimper leaving her lips with each intake of air…
"I can't. I can't. I can't… I won't. I… I can't…" she mumbled, with a thread of a voice, glancing up at Mai and Ty Lee in hopelessness… yet in certainty, as well: she refused to drink that substance.
"Azula, goodness…" Ty Lee sobbed, rushing to her friend's side to wrap her arms around her again as Mai inspected the damage, the shattered cup, the stained door.
"You… you didn't have to be so harsh about it, though," Mai said… though a small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "If the situation were any different… you'd owe me a mug after that."
Despite everything, Azula let out a soft bark of laughter… one her friends replicated upon letting themselves laugh softly too. It was a moment of relief… for as much as they had understood Azula's previous decision, they had worried, deeply, that their friend would regret it as soon as it was done. It wasn't a simple, careless choice to make… in any other circumstances, this could have been something to rejoice in, something to celebrate, no matter how unprepared Azula might have felt for it. She'd have months to prepare ahead of herself, either way… months to grow accustomed to the idea of becoming a mother. Ideally, she'd go through that process with the man she loved, right beside her…
But she had chosen to go forward, even if without him. Where there was an emptiness in her eyes before, now they seemed to sparkle with purpose… with determination she had lacked for as long as she had chosen to part ways with Sokka.
"I won't… I won't do it. I'm sorry, Mai, for… for the mug, and the bother, I… I can't do it. I won't do it," Azula said, shaking her head as tears streamed down her face. "I… I'm scared. Scared out of my fucking mind, I won't pretend otherwise, but… b-but I'd rather fail because I did my best, t-than fail because I didn't try."
"Suits you to say that…" Mai said, smiling fondly at her as she knelt before her on the table. "Though that sounds… like something he'd say, too."
Azula swallowed hard and nodded: in many ways, she had learned that from Sokka. All she ever sought, before knowing him, were battles to triumph in… with him, she had learned more than she could ever explain. With him, she had understood there was more to life than victory, than perfection. Their love had been cut short unfairly, and they had been broken apart… but it had been worth it. Every moment they had shared, every instant, had been invaluable. No matter the pain, no matter the anguish, she refused to regret any of it.
That included this: if they had actually done something so reckless… if they had conceived a baby out of their carelessness throughout the last weeks they had shared together, then that was something else to devote her best efforts to, just as she had given her best in every stage of their relationship. She couldn't give this up… she couldn't turn her back on it.
She would be a mother. She'd had the chance to refuse, to turn her back on that possibility, but she had accepted it, instead.
She would be a mother. She had no idea what challenges it would entail, but she found the determination to face them, despite everything.
She would be a mother. A mother to their child. By her own conviction, by her own determination, by the strength the very thought of him evoked within her heart… she would become a mother, even if Sokka wasn't beside her through every step of this dangerous journey. She certainly would rather do this with him… but she would do it because her heart demanded it. Because that fantasy she'd let herself evoke might never become a reality… but maybe she could build a new dream, day by day, as she regained her center and strengthened her resolve to protect this child at all costs.
This was her choice. Her true choice. This… and everything that came along with it.
"I…" Azula said, the enthusiasm of her acceptance waning: Mai and Ty Lee glanced at her with uncertainty, recognizing the darker tone of her voice. "If I'm keeping it, I…"
"You'll have to figure out a plan to keep the baby safe once it's born…" Ty Lee said, sniffing and wiping her eyes with her wristband.
"To keep it safe before it's born, too," Azula whispered, swallowing hard as she closed her eyes.
"You… you'll do it, then," Mai said, and her own relief suddenly was replaced by dread. "You won't even ask for… for someone else? Azula, this is…"
"This is my path going forward," Azula said, closing her eyes. "I've made my choice… and I know it's the right choice, this time. Only… I'll have to do painful, terrible things to stand by it. I know I will. M-maybe… terrible enough to wish, again, that I were dead instead… b-but I'll try my best to endure it. I… I have to…"
Oh, the future was bleak all the same, she knew that: nothing outside this house had changed, even if the rain seemed to weaken by now. Her father was what mattered… and he wouldn't set aside his threat on Xin Long just with her compliance. If she made any mistakes she'd sentence herself, and her child, to a deeper, worse nightmare than before… but she would be more careful, so much more careful than she had been throughout the last years. She knew better now… she could do better now. Deceit, dishonesty…? She had grown acquainted quite well with both concepts throughout her younger years. It was time to put them into practice anew… to stop telling her father the truth, for it wouldn't matter to him whether it was the truth or not: he only wanted to hear whatever was most convenient for him, after all. This, Azula guessed, would be convenient… to a fault, it would be convenient. She had to ensure it was… to make whatever sacrifices were necessary to protect her new priority as well as the old ones.
She could feel Xin Long's confusion: he had scarcely understood her sudden plight, so jumbled and troubled her thoughts had been. She closed her eyes and evoked the thoughts properly in her head: she was with child. She carried their baby… hers and Sokka's. It might have been easier indeed, to cut things short, to put an end to this pregnancy, if she was pregnant at all… but she didn't want to choose the easiest way out, not if it was wrong. Not if it entailed sacrificing the sudden spark of life she'd found growing inside her… a spark she intended to cling to, to nurture into a proper flame that could stand on its own, when it was ready to do so.
Her resolve was firm… but the implications of her choice didn't go lost on Xin Long: she couldn't tell the world she was carrying Sokka's child. Which meant…
"He'll get what he wants," Azula said, softly: Ty Lee clung to her again, and Mai gazed at her sympathetically. Azula's determination waned, only because sadness and misery seemed set on taking the wheel instead. "There's nothing else to be done… there wouldn't be even if I'd drank that. So…"
"Oh, Azula…" Ty Lee whimpered, her face pressed to Azula's right shoulder.
What little joy had burst in her heart upon making up her mind dimmed and shrank: she would certainly have to do unforgivable things in order to see this child born and raised properly, whether by herself or by someone else. Maybe, by the time it was born, she'd no longer feel worthy of raising the child herself, after everything she would have to do to ensure its survival…
But it would be worth it.
If their child could live… any price she had to pay would be worth it.
Azula knelt before her father in his Throne Room. Now she endured his scrutiny and she readied herself to speak, even if her heart threatened to break for it. Soft as her voice was, weak as her body appeared, Azula managed to raise her head long enough to speak aloud, to announce her decision to the man who scowled prominently at her through his flames…
"I will marry Admiral Zhao."
She wasn't sure how she'd managed to utter the damn sentence: she felt sick again, but she contained the reaction, knowing she had to… knowing it was necessary, that she wasn't doing this out of fear, that it would be for the best, going forward…
Xin Long roared, desperate, in the distance: he didn't agree with this choice. She should have run away… she should have escaped, all else be damned, what would it matter if she couldn't set him free? This was wrong… she belonged with Sokka. He was her true mate, the man she loved, the one she had given her heart to…
And that was precisely why she had to do this. For the man she truly loved… for the child they should have raised, together.
Ozai appeared perplexed, so much that his flames dimmed in strength: Azula raised her head, suspecting he would accuse her of foul play, of having an underlying motive to do this… yes, of course she did have one. But he would surely anticipate sabotage, misconduct in the middle of the ceremony, or afterwards: there would be no such thing.
He would believe, and trust, that he had broken her.
It would be up to her to ensure that belief lasted for as long as possible.
Furious roars drifted from the dragon's refuge and resounded across the Palace, but both Azula and Ozai ignored them: only now did Azula perform the traditional salute to her father… in another gesture of submission. With her fist to her palm, she bowed profoundly, enough for her head to touch the floor… humiliated, humbled, and with no more fighting spirit left to resist and rebel.
He had won.
Ozai had won.
Azula lay before him, defeated, undone… he had been successful, triumphant, at reeling her in and ensuring her obedience entirely. This was the victory he had looked forward to ever since his plans to trap Azula and corner her through her dragon started taking shape… so why did his heart sink heavily when it should have been lightened, instead? Why did he feel the urge to reject her submissiveness, disturbed by the lack of rebelliousness that he had been so set on destroying until now?
He had broken her… this was exactly what he'd intended to achieve, so why did his body shudder with shame, with a sudden, growing suspicion that the victory he had claimed was no such thing? He had finally reeled Azula back into control… but the grand achievement he had fought for felt like nothing of the sort now. It was as though, in overpowering his daughter, he had destroyed himself, too…
He had won. He had won. What mattered was that he had won…
So why would his treacherous heart ache, as though he had been dealt a crushing defeat instead?
A/N:
With that, the first arc of Part 3 is over. The tone of the story won't always remain as somber as it is right now, some beloved characters will be returning, relatively new ones will also come up in more important roles soon, too… but I'll take this opportunity to once again remind those of you who aren't thriving in this overload of angst that you're free to take some time off the story if the dark times we're facing in it are overwhelming you. I know everything looks bleak, and my promises that there's a light at the end of the tunnel may sound hollow, especially after all the hardships Azula is enduring, but the magnitude of the story we're telling doesn't allow for a simplistic ending: Sokka and Azula's journey back to each other is only just beginning, and as complicated as it may be, Part 3 has always been built, thematically, to be the story of that journey, the crystallization of all their growth from both Parts 1 and 2 while the war escalates to new heights and Ozai + all his favorite goons face consequences for the countless terrible things they've done.
So, with that being said: thanks for reading so far. Second arc of Part 3 starts next week. Take care of yourselves.