A/N: See, I came back. We have a lot to unpack. Let's hit it. Writing through the night, there's another coming after this one...let's say tomorrow morning? Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Onward and forward.-NR
Mistakes We Knew We Were Making (Straylight Run)
THE BREAKDOWN
2 HOURS LATER
Santana's POV
My wrist was sore while I changed Gia's diaper while she slept.
I'd become a pro at getting her changed before the discomfort woke her up early from her nap.
That's how bored I'd become, I could time my daughter's diapers by the amount of time had passed from nursing to her nap.
She was like clockwork, and it made me feel proud.
It took my third child to teach me how to actually take care of a newborn, and after everything that I'd been through, it was a breeze.
Taking care of Gia made me wistful for the missed moments with Isaac and Daniela...but especially with Isaac.
I'd missed so much with him, so it was my mission to make up for that once we were sprung from our underground prison.
After changing the baby twice, and then eating lunch with the kids, I felt like enough time had passed for Britt to want to talk but just one look at her sitting in a corner scribbling down notes on scraps of paper, told me to stay put.
"Mami, you need the potty?" Daniela asked and I shifted my focus to her.
"Huh?"
"You're bouncing your leg like Izzy does when he has to pee." She said to me, before putting her hand on my bouncing knee.
"Oh, no, I'm just anxious to move. Your brother and I were usually playing soccer today...right, Papa?"
Isaac looked at his sister and nodded sadly.
"We were supposed to play the championship. They will lose without me." He shrugged and went back to eating his sandwich, while humming quietly.
Even though he was getting older, he still loved Elmo, but he knew that the other kids were moving on to superheroes, so he kept his love for that little red monster to himself.
He knew I didn't care if he liked Elmo, but he still wouldn't share his humming with me.
I had even sung the song to him one day, but he just stared at me like I had two heads.
So, I just looked back at Daniela, who was balling her fists in her lap, tracing her thumb over the back of her hand.
"You miss Snix, don't you."
She looked up at me with sad eyes.
"Do you think she died?"
"Nah, cats have nine lives, she probably sensed danger before it happened and escaped."
"Can we look when we get out of here?"
Was it a lie to tell her that we would?
I decided that I didn't care.
"Yes."
She threw herself into my lap and hugged me tight, "Thanks Mami!"
I smiled down at my reserved little girl, and then over at her Mama, hoping she was seeing the moment but instead she was wiping tears from her face and purposely looking away.
Was it the moment or was it something else?
All I could feel was doom.
I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait to hash things out with her.
You know that moment when you feel sickness hit you?
It's like one moment you're fine and the next you feel like you've been hit by a freight train?
Just one hour after lunch, I felt my body shut down.
It started with a headache, and then I felt like I couldn't breathe.
And then, boom, I was about to feed the baby when my stomach lurched.
"Fuck." I groaned and then pushed past my wife, who was giving the kids a bubble bath and vomited right into the toilet.
Britt pulled the shower curtain closed so the kids couldn't see me, but I was pretty sure the sound was too loud to disguise.
"Is Mami okay?"
"Shh, rinse off. I think Mami is going to need to shower soon."
The water went on and the kids quietly cleaned themselves while I whimpered my way through vomiting twice more.
By the time they were wrapped in towels and climbing out of the shower, I was sitting with my head resting against the wall while sweat drenched my clothes.
I could see the look in Britt's eyes...it wasn't one of concern...it was skeptical.
Did she think I was coming down from something?
Why wouldn't she?
I buried my face against my knees and took deep breaths, then quickly flushed the toilet when I realized that I hadn't gotten rid of the grossness.
Britt came back a few minutes later with air freshener and a glass of water.
"You okay, Ana banana?"
"I think so." I took a sip of the water, and then handed it back.
No sooner had I got it down, when my stomach lurched again.
I was crying by the time I had nothing left to throw up, and my stomach ached.
"What do you think this is?"
"No idea, probably a side effect of running in my socks through God knows what." I said, as I sat on the toilet and tried to collect myself.
"When's the last time you used?" She asked me, her eyes drilling holes through my skull.
I shook my head.
"Honestly, B...I don't know. I stopped counting once I hit a year." I shrugged and thought that would at least earn me a smile but then she continued.
"When's the last time you've come into contact with drugs though."
"What kind of question is that?"
"Just answer me...please?"
"After Mami died, I bought a bump or...I almost bought a bump but just holding that baggie in my hand felt wrong. So, I gave it back, and went and bought a pack of cigarettes instead. That was the last time."
"You never told me that."
"I know, I did tell my sober buddies though. Quinn knows, and so does Walker. I didn't hide it, it just wasn't a thing by the time we saw each other."
"A week later."
"What?"
"That's when we saw each other, a week later, and you didn't think to tell me?"
"That was over a year ago, do you really want to fight about that?"
I was so tired, and she was just standing there talking to me when I was feeling so fucking low.
"No. You're right. I'm sorry."
"Why are you asking me about drugs, B?"
"This looks like withdrawal. So much of how you've been the last week or so has been the same as when you were using."
"I'm trapped in a bunker with four other people, B. The town I grew up in is burned to ashes because of me, and here I am safely tucked away. Tío hasn't given me details. I don't know how many people are dead because of me and my WIFE has been fucking distant. How do you want me to behave?"
"I just hate this. It's not fair."
"You and me both."
"I'm going to call your uncle and see if he can find a safe park or something for the kids. We could all use some air."
"You do that. I'm going to shower."
"Thanks for being honest with me, Ana."
"Of course, B. I strive to always be honest with you." I said to her back as she went to leave but that seemed to stop her faster than anything.
"Maybe you should strive harder...if you had, we would probably not be in this fucking bunker." Her words hit me hard, especially since she said it before storming out and shutting the door firmly.
"The fuck?"
3 DAYS LATER
Brittany's POV
Even sick, Ana's silent treatment felt like a death sentence.
She wouldn't look at me, and each night when I climbed in the bed with her, I'd wake up to her curled up on the floor surrounded by tissues.
Her face was puffy from tears and snot, but she would only accept my help when I forced it on her.
For two days, she coughed and puked until finally on the third day, I woke up to an empty bed but no sign of her.
There wasn't a trail of tissues or the stale smell of her getting sick.
Everything smelled cleaner, and the baby was dressed but asleep.
I brushed my teeth in a clean bathroom, and then followed the sound of the kids' laughter to the little kitchen near the only two windows in the bunker.
Ana was joking around with a familiar voice, which didn't belong where we were.
"Oh please, you wish I was your problem to have." She teased.
"I'm glad you're okay, TT."
"Thanks, NoNo." She said a little more hushed.
I was distracted by them for only a moment before I realized that my kids were laughing outside.
The door to the bunker was open and the light was streaming in.
Outside, the kids were playing around two little babies trying to catch the bubbles that Tío Gene was blowing.
I turned to my left and saw Ana and Puck huddled together at the table drinking coffee.
"Hey Britt!" Puck said and I just looked at him, then back outside.
"Why are you here?"
"Okay...uh...nice to see you too."
"Hi, Puckerman, what are you doing here?"
He picked up a bag from the floor beside him and took out a white bag.
"Your parents tracked me down, asked me to find you two. They were worried that you weren't taking your medicine. So, I tracked you down, I brought medicine for you and Isaac. It should hold you over until we get you home." He slid the bag across the table, and I just stood there not quite sure what to believe.
"Home?"
He looked from me to Ana.
"You're coming back to New York, right?"
Ana looked down at her nails, and I just knew she wished she had a nail file right then.
"Ask B." She said to him when he cleared his throat annoyingly. "It was her idea to leave the city in the first place."
"I have known you two long enough to know when you're in a fight. I won't get in the middle. I just thought it would be good for you to see a friendly face." He stood up and Ana reached for his hand.
"Don't go." He looked just as stunned as I felt. "You're right, we do need a friendly face. The kids are having fun out there. It's how we always dreamed, that our kids would be close like we were. Without the Hobbit around, it's finally happening."
"We may be divorced but she's still their mom, Santana."
"Wait, you're divorced." I asked and he nodded.
"Quinn isn't the only person she cheated on me with. I settled down, stopped messing around, and she couldn't do that. So, I ended it. The kids needed stability, I wouldn't let them grow up in a broken home with broken parents like I had."
There was a look in Puck's eyes then, like he was trying to send us both a message and I was reading it loud and clear.
I had been thinking the same thing.
We were broken.
Both me and Ana.
I thought it was me more than her but then I came back to Lima and saw that she was still lying, still getting into things that she shouldn't, and I knew that she'd never changed.
Sugar confirmed that.
Even if she was lying, I couldn't get my mind to not see the bits of truth in what she was saying.
"We're not broken, Puckerman." Ana said, then she opened the bag and pulled out a pill bottle. She looked at me for the first time in days and handed me the bottle. "Go take these. I made you pancakes. I'll warm them up while you get your head right. Don't listen to him...he had a divorce party at a strip club with a dinosaur theme...he's not as together as he seems."
When I got back to the kitchen, Ana was sitting alone with her hands folded on the tabletop.
I sat down in front of a plate of pancakes with whipped cream and bananas.
She'd gone all out.
"I know it takes time for them to start working again, but do you feel any better?" She asked me, as she poured me a glass of juice.
"Yeah." I cut into my pancakes and moaned when I took my first bite. I'd missed her cooking. How long had it been? "These are amazing."
"Thanks. I didn't realize how much I missed cooking."
"I'm happy you're talking to me again." I admitted and she nodded.
"You know I can't stay mad at you for long, B. Even when I want to."
"I should have taken care of you instead of hit you with those questions. I'm sorry."
"That's not why I was mad."
"It's not?"
"You don't get it do you?"
"No. Obviously, I don't."
"You pulled away from me. You've been distant from the first day. I just wanted you to talk to me, and instead of doing that you waited until I was vulnerable to hit me with accusations instead of talking to me."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh."
"Well, can we talk now? Where are the kids?"
"The park. Apparently, Tío didn't think to tell us that there's fucking playground across the road where all the military brats play."
"Rude." I mumbled around a mouthful of food, and she rolled her eyes.
"Eat your food, I'm going to clean up while the kids are gone, when you're finished lets really talk."
I nodded and focused on the heaven in front of me.
2 WEEKS LATER
JULY
Brittany's POV
They were supposed to surround me with love and support, but my parents were looking at me like I had set another house on fire.
"So let me get this straight, Brittany Susan, after nearly month in a bunker with your wife and children, you decided that you were going to leave under the cover of darkness rather than move with them to New York?"
Mom was pacing her new kitchen, looking more fit and years younger with her new haircut, I wanted to tell her how good she looked but instead I had to just stand there and watch her boil over.
And then Dad was no help, he just stood there like a bouncer with his new mustache and buff figure.
I should have been listening, but I couldn't get over this.
They'd moved to Chicago from Scarsdale, choosing to start moving on from working and jump straight into retirement.
And just a month after moving back to the Chi they were looking happier than I had ever seen them.
"You two look amazing, have you been working out?"
"How did you even get here? I heard you were in Kentucky." Dad said, ignoring my question.
Puck had given me the pharmacy bag with their address on it, and the first moment I could I left.
It's not like Ana didn't have an idea of where I was.
In fact, it had been her idea for me to go.
Kinda.
"I don't want to go back to New York the way that she does. They've got this whole plan to move to the suburbs upstate...the whole family is buying a neighborhood. With you two here, it will just be me and my kids versus the whole Lopez family."
"You are a Lopez." Mom reminded me. "You took that name, so it's not you against them...it's your WITH them."
"Without you!"
"We'll visit you." Dad said.
"Were you not happy in New York?" I could feel myself close to a whine. It wasn't how I wanted to be but fuck it. I was desperate. "I'm the only kid you have left. You should want to be close to me!"
Mom looked close to tears after that.
"How dare you." Dad said, looking angry. "After what happened in Lima, that was just a really low blow, Brittany."
"Our house was fine." I said to them, even if it wasn't our house anymore.
"He's talking about the cemetery." Mom said, then she shook her head and left the kitchen.
"What is she talking about? Court is buried here. It's not like they could have done anything to her grave."
Dad put his arm around me and shook his head.
"When your sister was cremated, we split her ashes. Half here, half there since that was really her home. She loved Ohio, loved Lima. When they set off a bomb to demolish Aden Lopez's grave it took down the mausoleum. We lost her ashes in all of that."
"Oh."
"Are you in crisis, Brittany?"
"No."
"Are you sure? Just because you haven't hurt yourself or had an anger incident doesn't mean you should seek out help. You were off your medication for weeks after a traumatic incident."
"I'm fine, Dad, damn." I said and he raised his eyebrows.
"I'll make you an appointment to see someone. We'll get you on the phone with Santana so she knows where you are, and for a few days you can hang out here to get some perspective but then you're going to have to leave."
"Just like that?"
"You're an adult, Brittany. It's time for you to start making moves like one, for a while there, you were doing just that and maybe it's been overwhelming but that doesn't mean you stop forever and run home. It means you take a beat, reset and then get right back to it. Those kids need their Mama."
"I know...you're right. It was just a month underground...with no room to dance. We fought all the time over stupid stuff."
"But it stayed civil?"
"Civil?"
"Did you get physical with her?"
"No. We didn't even have sexy times. Just talking and bickering. I can't go back to that. I don't think I want to go back to her at all."
"That's a big statement, honey."
"I know...but I think it's been a long time coming."
"Yeah." He said, and then patted me on the shoulder. "I'm going to grab ice cream, you go apologize to your mother because if you don't then you won't be the only one not getting sexy time around here."
"Gross."
"Right back at you. Now go apologize."
"What do you mean she left?" I was in shock when Tío Gene finally called my dad back.
"Once you were gone, Anita came to me demanding a ride back to Lima. She insisted that she needed to see the damage for herself."
"And you let her?"
"I did."
"But she has three kids with her, Gene!" I snapped at him, and he looked at me in disbelief.
"Tío Gene." He corrected. "Don't forget yourself."
"Lo siento. I'm just, worried."
"Well, there's no need for that, I took her back myself this morning. We met with Senora Soto, and she took us around town to see the recovery. Anita even went to a meeting outside what remains of her church, then she met with her lawyer before I put her on a plane with Puckerman."
"So, she's not in Lima anymore then?"
"No. It was high time that she get settled in your new home. She understands that you needed space, I made sure of it."
"Was she mad?" I asked and he rolled his eyes.
"Of course, she was but by the time she got on the plane, I could see that she was in a different headspace. I trust that you'll be meeting up with her soon, right?"
Dad looked at me and nodded, so I looked back at Tío Gene, "Yes. I think I just need a couple days with my parents. I had to make sure they were okay."
"That's what I told her. I'll text her new number to you, call her. Figure things out. Don't let this fester, Brittany. She's very much the best and worst of her parents...but she loves you. I haven't seen her this clearheaded in years. Especially after she saw the aftermath in Lima herself. She's taking every one of the 127 deaths personally. We even visited a few of the families, she is having her lawyer issue checks to all the families to cover the costs of funerals and such."
"Is that smart, Gene?" Dad asked and Tío Gene nodded.
"Yes, her lawyer is sending them anonymously, he says it's better that way."
"Good. Our company is already providing funds to those hurt on our properties, on top of insurance claims...she shouldn't break her bank."
It took everything to hold back my laugh...once upon a time I would have thought the same thing but then I took a peak at her accounts after Sugar told me everything...there was no way on Earth that Ana could spend everything she had.
With the fortune she was sitting on, you'd think we'd be happier.
But money isn't everything.
I've learned that lesson a half a billion times over.
It took me over a week to finally call Ana.
And I soon learned that was way too long.
"Yes?" She said, sounding out of breath.
"Hi Ana banana."
"Oh. Hi. What's up?"
"Are you busy?"
"Mami, I need my shoes!" I heard Izzy yell.
"Check your sister's room!" She called back and then sighed. "Are you coming home or are we done?"
"Done? Why would we be done?"
"Because every time we planned on talking you found a way to delay, and then you dropped the bomb on me that Sugar is alive. You dropped bomb after bomb on me and then accused me of sucking Marco's dick...then you left me a note saying you needed to go. That's it. In the time since you've been gone, I've grieved alone and then moved into a house alone and have had to manage three children alone. So...my question is are we done? Have you had your fill of my bullshit finally?"
"Never." I sighed out. "You yelled at me, told me that I might as well leave and go back to my parents. You told me you were tired of looking at me, so I left. I came to my parents, and I've been seeing a therapist. I thought you just needed me to get my head straight."
"Bullshit, B. Those fucking notes you were writing, you know the ones you balled up and shoved in the trash?"
"You...you read them?"
"All of them were versions of a breakup letter, B. You've been thinking about it for a long time, Daniela told me so. How could you ask our five year old if she would be upset if we weren't together anymore?"
"I didn't meant to ask her that...I'd been drinking, I...I thought she was sleeping when I was talking to her."
"Well, she wasn't, she's been carrying that around and when you just left without saying goodbye, suddenly she was in my face with that story." I could hear the tears in her voice, and I hated that she'd been carrying all of this around.
"I'm sorry."
"That's not good enough, Brittany. Look...it's been like this for years with us. We go back and forth. I get it if you're tired, shit, I'm tired. You don't think I want to be around people who don't know my past?"
"Wait...I don't want that...to break up."
"But you don't want to be together either, just admit it, B. Seriously, woman up. Tell me."
I was crying now, as I sat staring out at the water.
I'd left my parents and gone down to the lake to have this conversation, because I needed to look at something that made me feel calm.
But the waters weren't calm that day, and neither was my wife.
"I think maybe we need time. Together but not."
"What does that mean?" There was mumbling and then she was sighing again. "Your children want to talk to you. Can you give me a time that you'll call them back? They are headed to Sandra's to have a game night with the kids. They'll be back by six. Does that work for you?"
"Yes. I'll video call them after they have a bath. Tell them I love them."
"She loves you. She'll call after bath time, she'll call. Now go." She went silent for a minute and then she cleared her throat. "They love you too. Now you were saying?"
"I think you should have that chance to meet people who don't know your past and I think I need to be able to make some decisions that don't revolve around you."
"Well, maybe when I get out around town I'll get that chance. We are married Brittany, and we have kids, every decision you make forever will revolve around one of us. That's just the way it is. I can give you freedom...but you need to consider me and our kids. Even if we aren't together, I'll always consider you in my decisions. We are partners for life, B. Blood in, blood out. Our own little gang, gang."
"And if I decide I don't want to be married to you anymore?" I asked, because it had been hovering for too long.
I expected a long silence, but her response was immediate.
"Then we figure out how to be co-parents, even if it's same house different rooms for a bit...our kids shouldn't have to be without us."
"I could do that."
"But do you want to?"
"Would you be mad if I said yes?"
"At this point B...I'd just be happy knowing you're there with me raising our lady babies. I love you, you're my best friend. I just want you to be happy, even if it's not with me."
2 MONTHS LATER
SEPTEMBER
Santana's POV
"Are you ready, Monsters?" I asked the kids after they finished breakfast.
"Yes, Mami." Daniela said, giving me her brightest smile but Isaac was another story.
"No. I want you to take me." Isaac insisted.
"Mama is taking you to school."
"Please, Mami?" He tried to hypnotize me with a stare down, but I wasn't going to break.
"Look you two, I know this moving around has been hard, but nothing has to change for you three anymore. We are giving you a routine back. Mama has always been the one to take you to school, there's no reason that should change."
"Actually, there is." Britt said as she came into the room, dressed in the tightest spandex in the world. I couldn't stop staring at her, but she rolled her eyes at me. "I have an audition, if I take them to school, I'll be late."
"How long did you know about this audition, Brittany?" I was still looking her over, and she ignored me, instead she went over to the table, bit a piece of Daniela's waffle, drank some of Isaac's juice and then kissed their heads.
"I'll be there to pick you up this afternoon, Monsters. It's the first day, so go in there and be your amazing selves. Don't let anyone steal your awesome." She said, then she came over to me and gave me one of those fucking smiles that melted me. "I'm sorry. I forgot about it until Frankie called this morning to remind me. I'll make it up to you. Okay?"
"Fine."
"Good luck kiss?"
I kissed her cheek and she pouted, but fuck that. We weren't confusing the kids, any more than we already had by sleeping in separate rooms.
"Good luck." I said, patting her shoulder before checking the clock. "Okay, Monsters, finish up please, we need to be out the door in five minutes!"
"Bye! I love you!" Britt said. The kids called back to her, but I just stood there in the foyer and watched her walk out the door, maybe I should have let her kiss me.
But I couldn't do that to myself.
Everything was uncertain.
And I was barely holding it together, how had we gotten to that point.
Before the bombings, I thought we were happy.
The phone sex was amazing, we were vibing on the same wavelength and then bam...all of it went to shit.
And I had made it too easy for her to distance herself because it's what I thought she wanted, and while it was agonizing, she seemed happy.
When she left me in that bunker, and I had talked through my options with Tío, he told me he could get me into any new life I wanted. I had just wanted something quiet and suburban at first but then we had that phone call that changed everything, so I resolved instead, that I would not be sitting there pining for her when she got home.
She got to go follow a dream, and not worry about money...off of my back.
It was cheaper than alimony, but fuck if I was going to just roll over and allow her to be the only one to be happy.
Britt wasn't the only one with places to be.
I had shit to do too.
Once I had the kids out of the car, with minimal tears, Gia and I made the hour drive north for my very first class at Vassar.
It was our little secret, Walker's since she convinced me to finish my degree, and Tio's since he saw to it that my application was fast tracked to acceptance.
Both Walker and Tío told me that I needed to look forward to something outside of Brittany. I could do anything but getting my education had always been a dream.
A bachelor's degree would be something just for me.
While I would never be an on campus student, I still promised myself that I was going to have as much of the experience as I could.
It helped that the college had a daycare for commuting students, and as hard as it was to drop off my little bundle of giggles to a stranger, it saved me from having to explain things to anyone.
My sisters were right across the road from me, and either of them would have been happy to watch Gia but I didn't want them involved.
This had to be something that I passed or failed on my own.
Maybe it was stupid to keep it to myself, but I didn't care.
For as long as I could, Vassar would be mine alone.
My father had to be rolling in his grave, that I was choosing a Seven Sisters instead of an Ivy League education but nothing about Papi, Marco, Mr. Evans, and Dr. Cray screamed successful. They'd all failed in my opinion...even Mami.
I could be different.
I WOULD be different.
My first day of classes wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. Before the bunker, I had gone a long time without reading a book, even though it had been one of the only things to keep my happy growing up. Getting to dive back into reading, even if it was textbooks was a welcome change.
My brain had been craving knowledge, and I was finally giving it what it needed.
Cocaine hadn't stolen everything from me.
Not yet.
It was also amazing to not see a single person that I knew, or a single professor that I had given a blow job too.
For once, I could just blend in with all the other undergrads and it felt like a relief.
After a morning of classes, and a renewed sense of just being a random 20-something, I finally understood how Q had managed to make it through undergrad when she had so much of my drama to contend with.
School had been her peace.
And I knew then, why Quinn had to go to New Haven.
She needed to find a new peace, just like I did.
I hadn't wanted to tell anyone about going back to school, but I knew then that it was the way to start fixing what was broken with the first person in my life to have my back.
Got a minute?-San
...
...
Yes, just got out of class. What's up?-Q
Can I call you?-San
...
...
...
Sure-Q
I video chatted her with one of the academic buildings behind me and could see the nervous smile that she was giving me but then she looked behind me.
"Hey! Wait...where are you?"
"Vassar." I said, and her jaw dropped. "I just finished my morning classes, I'm headed to lunch."
"Since when? This is amazing! Shit, San I'm so proud of you right now." Then she teared up, and quickly wiped them away. "I was praying that you'd go back to school."
"You were?"
"Yes. You always kicked ass in school, even though you never wanted anyone to know it. It's your happy place."
"I think I forgot how much I liked it. I guess your prayer worked."
"Thank God it did. What are you studying? Pre-law?"
"Gross. I think I've had my not so fair share of the legal world. I'm studying Economics but I'm minoring in music."
"That oddly makes sense." She nodded, satisfied. "Ceily didn't tell me anything about this. I'm so going to kill her when I get home."
"No one knows, Q. Just Walker, Tío, and now you."
"Not even Britt?"
We'd been out of touch, since she left the bunker, but I didn't realize how much.
Then again, we weren't really telling people how things were at home...not unless they asked and so far no one had.
"Actually, we're not fully together right now. We live together, and we're co-parenting but she has her life and I have mine. It's been like that since she came home in August."
"Fuck. Why didn't you call me?"
"Because things have been weird between us for a while."
"You're right but I'm still me."
"I know."
"You know, I hate this arrangement on behalf of my very sensitive Godchildren, but for you...I'm happy. I think you two giving each other space will be good for you both. You could stand to see what else is out there...even if I know you're endgame is always going to be Brittany. You need this time to figure out what you want."
"You're not going to confess your undying love for me and try to swoop in, are you?"
"Nah. You just don't have things that are just yours. I'm glad you have school now to fill that void. If it comes out that you're back in school, you didn't tell me anything. Me and Celia are so good right now, I don't even want to keep this secret from her."
"Good. I won't put you in a tough spot. You can feel free to tell her...just make sure it doesn't get further than her. I don't want anyone else to offer any opinions, good or bad. Okay?"
"You've got it. Call me later, after 4, okay...I need to get to my next class."
"I love you, Q. Thanks for just, being there."
"Say less, San. You already know that we are platonic endgame, we need breaks from each other but as best friends, we'll always find our way back. I love you too."
"Good. Go be great."
"You too."
My day was too good.
And if history had proven anything to me, it was that when I had a great day, then my night would balance it out.
My afternoon class went late because the professor wanted a sample from each of the 45 students in class.
He was eccentric and decided that we would go alphabetically by first name.
And not a single person was at the end of the alphabet past S...which put me dead last because a girl named Victoria decided to drop the class at the last minute.
I had to sit through 44 people playing five minute pieces on various instruments until finally he called my name.
Everyone looked at me sideways when I didn't pull out a music case but then I cracked my fingers and made my way down to the front, to the baby grand.
And my professor, a trained classical pianist shushed everyone like a regular William Shuster looking at Finn Hudson and I rolled my eyes.
But then, because I had to wait so very long and I knew that he'd get a kick out of it, I played the one song that I had been perfecting all of my life.
Rage Over a Lost Penny.
I made Beethoven proud in that full 6 minute performance.
My blood was rushing through me as my fingers set off faster and faster up and down tempo, without looking at a sheet of music.
Was I showing off?
You bet your ass I was, and if I learned anything from watching Rachel for all of those long suffering years, it was that people were going to hate but that just meant you had to be even better.
So, I was.
My hair blocked my face as I bounced along through the piece.
And when I stuck the last note and finally sat up it was to a room full of musicians on their feet cheering me on.
I had never in my life felt so seen, and admired, and I had performed on stage in front of thousands of people.
It was like a high better than anything aside from childbirth...and cocaine.
After that, everyone had questions and my professor wanted to ask me about my process.
Needless to say, by the time I got Gia into her carseat with a fresh diaper and a snack it was nearly five.
I had two missed calls from Britt, and a text that simply said.
Got the kids, making dinner. I've got great news. See you soon-Britt
So of course, I replied, even if it was two hours later.
Heading home now, see you in an hour-Ana
Everything was good, but then I hit traffic and my commute stretched another hour.
By the time I got home, downstairs was clean, and I could hear the kids laughing from upstairs.
The baby was passed out in my arms, as I climbed the steps to the second floor.
"Finish cleaning up, so we can squeeze in an episode before bed." Britt was saying when I walked past the Isaac's room, the three of them were binge watching The Flash, and the kids were hooked.
"I'm home." I called out. "I hope you did your homework."
"Hey." Britt said, as she poked her head into the hallway. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah, I hit traffic. I'm going to feed her really quick, maybe you can catch me up on your good news?" I tried to keep it light, but Britt was looking me over, probably trying to figure out where I had been.
"Sure, I'll be there in a sec." Then she went back into Isaac's room.
I went into the room Daniela and Gia were sharing, and settled into the rocker, not bothering to cover myself when I popped my boob out.
"Wake up, Gia...eat so you can sleep with a full tummy baby."
Gia's eyes popped open, and then she smiled with those teeth that made me cringe.
Six more months, which was the goal. One year of breastfeeding if I could manage...all she needed to do was keep those chompers off my nipples. So far, so good.
Britt came into the room just as Gia was getting settled and actually covered her eyes.
"Sorry." She said.
"B, seriously, you've seen my tits so many times you probably could draw them from memory. Don't be like that."
She flushed pink and nodded, "Yeah, I was just trying to be...I don't know...respectful, I guess."
"B, even though we are complicated right now, I'm still your wife. You legally can look at me naked at any time that you want."
"But consent is sexy." She grinned.
"Yeah, yeah, looking and touching are two different things...and you haven't had a problem not touching me in a very long time."
"Ouch."
"It's your hormones. I get it."
"Anyway." She was almost as pink as Daniela's bedspread by this point. "I just got offered a job to head choreograph a new show on Broadway."
"B, that's amazing! Congratulations! Does this mean insane hours again?"
"Actually, Frankie helped me negotiate my hours so that I'll be able to take the kids to and from school."
"Really? Have I ever told you how much I love her?"
"No. Never actually."
"Well, I do."
"She asked me why you couldn't get the kids, and I didn't know what to tell her."
"You don't need to tell her anything. It's not her business where I go during the day."
"But it's mine, isn't it? You were gone all day today, I came home for lunch, and you weren't here...then you got here after dinner, and bath time."
"I told you, I hit traffic."
"Maybe we could commute together sometime, at least then I could help you with the baby."
"No thanks, B."
"Why not?"
"Because, it's impossible. Okay. I will do my best to make it home for dinner at least. I'm sorry about today."
"Why can't I know where you were today?"
"You have your dancing, I don't ask where you go, I just know you're off living your dreams. Right now, I'm doing the same thing."
"And that's fine, but where is our baby while you're doing whatever you're doing?"
"She's safe."
"How can I be sure that she's safe?"
"Because I won't put her in danger."
"Yeah, because you'd never put our kids in danger." She scoffed and I just sat there, feeling the sting of her words wash over me.
"Get out, B. Please, just go be with the kids. Let me feed Gia in peace...please?"
"I haven't seen her all day, Santana." She snapped and the baby broke her stellar record by biting down hard.
"Shit!" I flinched and looked down into teary eyes. "Please, go...if you keep raising your voice she's going to bite it off." I groaned when she bit me again.
"Fine. This isn't over." Britt said and then slammed the door on her way out.
When Gia screamed, I moved her off my boob before she could retaliate.
Dinnertime was over. I stripped her down, wrapped her in a towel and stormed right into Britt's room where they were getting settled to watch the show, "You wanted to spend time with her, here you go. She's too upset to eat."
Britt at least had the courtesy to look ashamed when she took the baby from me.
And because I was upset, I decided that if I couldn't be at peace, nobody could.
"Did you two do your homework?"
"Yes, Mami." Isaac said but Daniela looked away.
"No."
"Well then let's go, you can do it while I eat dinner. Isaac, you should be watching tv with your glasses on. Go get them."
"Yes, Mami." They both said.
Britt wasn't going to fuck up my night and storm off.
If she wanted to fuck with me, then I was going to make sure that everyone felt it.
Of course, once Isaac had his glasses and Daniela was settled at the table, I was good to them...just not B.
She was on my shit list, right where she belonged.
Later that night, with the kids in bed and the house quiet I pulled out my syllabi and began to sort out my assignments on my calendar.
I was so focused that I didn't hear the soft knock at first, but then I it happened again, and I knew it was B, so I shoved all my papers into my bag before responding.
"Come in."
Britt came in looking adorable in her old duck pajamas with her hair in a high pony.
"Hey...mind if I sit?"
"Go ahead." I shifted on the bed thinking she'd come sit at the head with me but instead she sat at the foot of the bed, and kept her hands folded in her lap.
It was always her sign to me that she was going to keep her temper under control.
"I'm sorry about earlier, I just don't know what to think any more about you...out there in the world, without me knowing every move you're making. I think...you know...after L.A. we stopped with the control stuff. I thought we were like, being a normal couple like everyone else but now I think I am seeing that in many ways, I never stopped being in control of things. I knew your every move. I knew your days, your routines...I even knew that when you weren't with me, there was always someone I could go to if I wanted to that would tell me."
I nodded, not really wanting to acknowledge what I had never stopped knowing about us.
"Your point?" I asked, feeling tired already.
"I think it's time that we talked about everything Sugar said."
"And why would I want to do that?"
"Because, it was Sugar that got in my head."
"And it seems to me that what Sugar said isn't really my business." I could see she didn't want to fight but I hadn't agreed to that arrangement.
"People tried to kill you, Santana. That doesn't just happen out of nowhere."
"You know why that happened. It had more to do with Papi and Marco, than me."
"That's crap and you know it." She said and I just shrugged. "Did you fuck Marco?"
"We've been over this."
"No, I asked if you gave him a blow job and you laughed at me."
"Why is this so important to you, B? I divorced him so that I could marry you."
"You fucked him while you divorced him."
"That was six years ago."
"It doesn't matter. Just tell me...since you've reconnected have you gotten sexual with Marco?"
She was trying to hide the rage, but I could see it clearly in the way she clenched her fists.
I was damned no matter what my answer was, because she already had her mind made up about what happened...or didn't happen.
"Define sexual." I asked, and she got red. Her nostrils flared and she was on her feet, but I remained calm. "I'm not stupid, Brittany. You know that right?"
"No. I don't...not anymore." She said and fuck if that didn't sting.
"Whether you believe it or not, I've got cameras in this room, so if you so much as raise a hand to me, I will have you arrested."
And then, she deflated after looking around the room.
"I wasn't going to hurt you."
"It doesn't matter that you didn't think you'd hurt me, history proves to me that you are capable of doing things to me that you weren't intending on doing...more than once."
"I thought you forgave me."
"I have but I haven't forgotten, that would be foolish of me. Just like fucking Marco while I'm carrying your baby would be foolish. He asked me one time if I would ever consider it, and I told him flat out that I had no desire to be with another man in my lifetime."
"Really?"
"Really, and the fact that you would even think that I'd do that to you after you had to pick me up off that floor...after Nico...it just shows that you haven't trusted me since. Not until this moment, have I been relieved that we aren't together."
We hadn't defined our relationship as a breakup, until I said those words.
And I could tell that it hurt her.
"Is that what we are, Ana, are we broken up?"
"Well, we sure as hell aren't together."
"Is that where you were...are you seeing someone already?" She asked, looking at me like her teenage, heartbroken self.
"Because I'm a slut, right? I just throw myself at the first person who looks my way, don't I?"
"I didn't say that."
"We're married, B. Even if I divorced you today, in this state we'd have to be legally separated for three months. So, let's call this what it is. You don't trust me anymore, and I can't trust that I'm safe with you. So, after three months of this...by Christmas let's say...if we can't figure this shit out...it's time for us to start considering separating for good."
"Santana...don't say that!" She whisper yelled.
"Why not, as you pointed out, it wouldn't be my first divorce...and hey play your cards right and I might give you a goodbye fuck. Goodnight, B. Try to not slam the door this time. Thanks."
I didn't even look at her again, instead I grabbed a book from my nightstand and began to read through teary eyes.
She'd come in thinking we'd fix us but then stuck her entire foot in her mouth.
Divorce had been hovering around us for years, it was time that we started considering it before lack of trust turned into full out hate.