A/N: All of this has been stuck in my head for two years, hopefully the long chapters are worth your trouble. ;) Thanks for sticking with me. Happy New Year!
Dead End Road (Alicia Keys)
THE AFTER
SEPTEMBER
Brittany's POV
She wasn't fooling me with her tough act.
I could see the way she was tearing up when I left her room.
And I hated myself for agreeing to sleeping in a different room.
I didn't want to sleep alone, she was my home...my life, and I just wanted to hold her while she slept.
My arms felt empty every night, not even our new cat Snix Jr. could fill the empty space.
It was at moments like that, where I missed Tubs the most.
He would let me hold him, and cry into his fur at all hours of the night as long as I gave him extra tuna in the morning.
That night though, I was beyond crying, instead I pulled out the rosary that Ana had given me not long after we lost our Angel.
It was made with her ashes, we each had one...but I left mine in a box with her sonogram until then.
With the beads in my hand, I got down and prayed the rosary, then I prayed for a path forward.
We were Brittana, we were endgame.
The ultimate OTP...it wasn't supposed to go like this.
We were supposed to be happy, but I hadn't been in ages.
I'd tried but without the awesome sex, and the fun dates...we were just co-parents.
Best friends.
That's it.
And I hated that we had come to that.
My parents were an OTP, they got fit together...and even after losing a child, they were stronger than ever.
I wanted that.
But my wife was going her own way.
And it terrified me.
She was an addict. That never went away, and I didn't know how to trust that she would be okay out in the world with Gia, somewhere I couldn't save them.
Then it occurred to me that she just needed something for herself.
And I wanted her to have that, but would it be horrible if I knew what that thing was?
I knew it would piss her off, but I needed to talk to someone that could help me see her differently.
She was right, I didn't trust her even though she'd been doing everything I had asked.
Never again after nearly losing Izzy, did she put the kids in danger.
Everything she did was for them, then when we lost Angel, she put music on hold.
It was always her making sacrifices while I coasted.
And so, I made a call...hoping that maybe I could begin to start to trusting again.
"Hello?"
"Walker. Hi. I hope it's not too late to call you, is it?"
"Nah, I'm a night owl. Rebuilding our businesses is a full-time job but I'm sure Santana has told you all about that."
I wanted to agree with her, but I was trying to be honest, so I didn't lie.
"No. I'm in the dark pretty much. We are talking about divorce." My voice broke on the last word, and she sighed.
"Then you need to know that while I support you always, I'm going to be in her corner through this."
It sounded like she was ready to hang up, but I couldn't let her, not yet.
"Good, you should be. I don't want you in the middle. You're her sober buddy, and I don't want to ever get in the way of that."
"Thanks, which means a lot...so why are you calling? Is she okay?"
"I don't know, I think she is. You see there's something she's up to during the day...she won't tell me what it is, I get that she needs something for her. I just, wanted to ask you if you could check in with her. Make sure she's okay?"
Walker actually laughed, she sounded relieved.
"I know what she's up to, and I will honor her request to keep it quiet. I can tell you though, that she's safe and that she is very much okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. This is something you'll just need to have blind faith on."
"It's just, hard to trust her after everything."
"Well yeah, I've been there. My family still checks my cabinets when they visit, and I've been sober for over a decade. In business we say trust but verify. It's a common practice. You may never fully get to the place where it's blind trust with Santana, but blind faith is trusting that things will be okay, even if you can't verify how that's going to happen."
"Trust the process...like learning a dance in pieces, trusting it will all come together into one performance."
"Exactly."
"I think I can do that."
"Good. She's fine with check-ins. I know that for a fact. I've seen Quinn and her sisters do it with her, and I have too."
"My dad does that with my crisis stuff."
"So, you know how it goes, that's all she needs. It's not an all the time thing but in those moments where she's at a trigger point, it's okay to check in. She actually appreciates it."
"Thanks for the reminder, Walker. I think, after everything that's happened, we kind of got shaken out of the same book."
"It happens to the best of us."
"Does it?"
"Of course, that's life. It matters that you notice when you lose touch, and you find ways to either accept that things are a lost cause, or you do the work to make sure you find a way back to your old book...or a new one. Make sense?"
"Actually, that makes perfect sense."
"Good. Do me a favor Brittany?"
"Okay."
"I need you to go back to her room, and full transparency, she texted me right before you called to tell me she was feeling off because of a fight with you. So right now, go back to her room, if she lets you in...just let her know how you really feel, forget the past...just be honest about how you feel right now."
"Okay, I can do that."
"Good. Go do that. Good luck."
"Thanks."
I put down my phone and grabbed my rosary before heading back across the hall.
The light from Ana's lamp lit the door frame.
Her door was cracked open, and I could see that she feeding Gia while reading softly to her.
I slipped inside, and she just looked up at me with a raised eyebrow before going back to reading.
"Can I sit?" I asked and she nodded without looking away from the page.
When I had first come in, I could see that she was surprised that I hadn't fully climbed in the bed with her.
For a person that wanted my wife back, I had forgotten that I should show her my feelings, so this time I climbed into my normal side of the bed, right by her side.
Her face softened a bit as I snuggled closer so I could kiss Gia's head.
Ana's voice was soothing as she read a fantasy novel to the baby.
I nearly fell asleep while she ready but then she was nudging me awake.
"Can you burp her, while I pee?"
"Sure." I sat up and adjusted our baby girl so that her face was laying on my shoulder. She gripped my shirt in her fist while I patted her back.
Ana took a quick picture of us before heading out of the room.
While I sat there, I looked around, and that's when I saw Ana's old bookbag sitting next to her dresser, out of sight of the doorway. It was open and had things shoved in like she had been rushing.
If she was back in school, I'd think she would tell me but maybe this was the thing was off doing.
I didn't want to get my hopes up but if it was, I was crazy proud of her.
Walker was right, I had to have some blind faith.
She wasn't the same girl back at cheer camp.
Just like I wasn't that naïve girl who thought I could cure her addiction with hugs and kisses.
When she came back into the room, I had successfully gotten three burps out of Gia before she fell asleep in my arms.
I laid Gia between us, and Ana seemed more than okay with that.
For a little while, we just laid there with our baby girl between us, then Ana gasped.
"What made you bring that?"
That's when I remembered the rosary in my lap.
"I was praying because I needed the courage to come back in here to make things better...it helped."
"Good, I'm glad you came back. I shouldn't have snapped like that. I'm just so all over the place these days...and you left me again. I think that I've reached my limit on you leaving whenever you want, and yes, I know I've left you to tour and go record music, but it was always at your urging. I know it doesn't bother you like it does with me. That's my hang-up, and I'm working on it. If Lima taught me anything, it's that I need to let go of things better. The one thing I've always asked you not to do, you keep doing and I think it pushed me over the edge. Then I could see you clenching your fists like you wanted to hurt me again...I felt cornered."
"You should have snapped more, I did get angry. I'm sorry...Sugar made me crazy, she said so many things that I didn't like which made me run away...but now I remember that she also reminded me that I got the girl."
"Huh?"
"Yeah. I got the girl that everyone wanted, good and bad people. I forget that I won...because well...you are just so you...like my other half. You don't thank your leg for being a leg every day, you just get used to it being there. You know?"
"Well, wife, this leg helps you be a fabulous dancer so you should be thanking it every day." She said patting my leg and I smirked, covering her hand with mine. Her skin was cold, and her hands were shaking but when I looked in her eyes that fire that always burned in her was still there.
We were just broken...and nothing we'd tried lasted long.
There had to be a more lasting way to fix us that didn't mean divorce.
I knew in my gut that if we got divorced, I would be Marco, always on the sidelines trying to find a way back in and I couldn't let that happen.
"I'll do better. Just say that this isn't the three months before divorce, even if we do this space thing...just...can it not be a separation. I want to work on us too. Like you can go explore but come home to me...and work on us. Okay?"
"I'm not looking to be with anyone else, B. I just am tired of feeling like I exist for other people. For once, I want to be able to consistently live for myself AND for my family. I don't want to put my own stuff on hold anymore. That doesn't mean I want to go be with someone else."
"But if you did, you know find someone, a girl that you are curious about...and you like made out with her because you needed to be reminded that I do it better...as long as you let me know...I'd be okay with that."
"You say that like you've got someone waiting in the wings. No matter how you swing it, Frankie will never be okay to fuck, B."
"I know that, just like Quinn will never be okay but this isn't about me. I'm good with having just you but I'm not crazy, I know that my hormones aren't what they used to be, I'm not running around with needs like you are, but I remember what it was like. I want to make sure you're getting all your needs met...as long as that's all it is. I was always down for this kind of thing, remember when I tried to make Frankie our third?"
"How could I forget? Like I said though, she's off limits…just like Quinn. We're clear on that right?"
"Absolutely."
"Okay, not that I want to but IF, and this is a big IF, there was someone...I would never make any moves without talking to you first."
"And you'd bring them to meet me?"
"Sure, B...if that's what you wanted."
"But not the kids, that's my line. The kids need to know we are their parents...no matter what. Unless we get divorced, they don't need another person coming in to be a parent. Deal?"
"Definitely, deal but just so we're clear, I'm not looking for anyone else and this will only be something we do temporarily, while we get our marriage sorted out. Like this instead of separation. Right?"
"Yes. We did it in high school, and it wasn't a thing because we know where home is." I said to her, and I could see the doubt in her eyes. She'd flirted over the years but only stepped out when it was about drugs. It was time for her to have some other experiences that weren't forced on her. I was confident that she'd always come back to me. "And you're okay with working on us, like for real?"
"Yes, B. We can go back to therapy and everything…and…I guess if you want to know what I'm doing when I leave during the day…I can tell you."
I shook my head, content to let her have that to herself. "Nope, I have faith that you're being safe and smart like the genius that you are, baby."
"Are you sure about this, B?"
She needed this break, even if that's not what she would ever call it, but I wouldn't point that out.
What good would that do? Instead, I turned up the awesomeness that was my inner unicorn.
"Definitely, as long as good luck kisses are okay again."
She rolled her eyes and leaned in, "Always."
And finally, I leaned in and got the kiss that I had been wanting all day.
OCTOBER
After our agreement Ana jumped right into working on our marriage, while I laid with the baby she began moving some of her clothes into my room since it was the bigger one, but she climbed right back into bed with me and Gia.
"What was that about?"
"For nights when we are working on our marriage outside of therapy."
"Can I stay in here with you tonight?"
"Now that she's sleeping through the night, if you take her back to her own bed, you can come back and cuddle with me...if you want."
"I want." I kissed her face and then scooped up Gia.
From that night on, whenever one of us felt up for cuddling, we'd just crawl in each other's beds but nothing more than cuddling went down.
And I thought that was enough.
But two weeks later...things began to change.
She stopped creeping into my bed, and when I tried to cuddle with her she'd be up late reading.
I could feel her pulling away.
So, I took another step.
"I scheduled a therapy appointment for us on Thursday evening."
"You should have consulted me first, B...I may not be able to make anything before 7."
"That's why I made it for 8. Sandra already agreed to let the kids stay here until we get back."
"She did?"
"Yup."
"You didn't tell her why, did you?"
"Date night...that's it."
"But that's a lie."
"It's not. I'm going to take you to dinner and then we'll go to therapy...unless you changed your mind about working on us."
She put away her book and turned off the lamp before scooting down into my arms.
We laid there in silence for so long that I thought she fell asleep until she finally spoke.
"I haven't changed my mind. I was just thinking of a better system...maybe I can put up a giant calendar in the kitchen for all of our schedules."
"That's a good idea, I'll pick one up tomorrow. I have a day off, so I can do it. You can leave Gia home too, I'll need an errand buddy."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Go, enjoy your day."
"Thanks, B."
"I am more flexible at work now, so anytime you don't feel like getting her up early, I can move things around."
"You're the best, Britt Britt." Then finally, she kissed me before pulling me in closer.
It was the closest we'd been in over a week, and I knew then...she'd met someone.
And it terrified me.
"He looks like Sebastian." Ana said as she walked through the living room on her way out one afternoon.
She had a late morning, and the kids were off from school for Columbus Day which we refused to acknowledge.
It was just instead a day to watch the Flash, and then go to the library and learn more about the natives that lived on this land before us.
The kids were sprawled out on the floor with snacks and pillows, watching the screen and ignoring us which was perfect because if Izzy saw her leaving, he'd want to go.
"I was thinking that too." I said to her, and she just nodded and began to put on her lip gloss in the hall mirror.
Something about seeing her primping herself up, after she half-assed her way through all our therapy sessions made my heart race.
"You're staring." She said, without looking at me and I got up, not caring if she saw me anymore.
I stepped behind her and ran my hands over her hips and around her waist until she was resting back against me.
She smelled amazing, and her body felt firmer.
"B, I need to go." She warned.
"I can be quick...the kids are distracted, and I need some time with my wife before she goes to conquer the world."
She sighed and then pulled me into the kitchen with her, closing the door so that we were shut off from the world.
When she pushed me back against the door, I was stunned because with me Ana was never the top.
Just with other girls.
She pulled up my shirt and ran a nail up and down my abs, while grinning up at me.
"You think you can handle me still, B?"
"I know I can."
"Two minutes, and I'll be counting."
"Challenge accepted."
I slipped past her, and she stumbled against the door. Before she could turn I was pressed against her back and my hand was moving under her too short dress.
Easy access.
With one move I had her panties pushed to the side and I was sinking into her.
"Shit." She groaned as she clung to the door frame. "90 seconds, B."
I nudged my foot between her boots, and she spread her legs.
Then I moved my other hands to work her clit, and she was practically purring as she counted down.
I could feel her holding back, so I had to play dirty.
"Who's Daddy's good girl?" I whispered against her ear and her body began to shake.
"Fuck...me...me." She was breathless.
"Give me what I want, be a good girl for me." I said and she went stiff and then rested her head back against me as she soaked my fingers.
"Oh...oh...fuck." I kissed her shoulder before leaving her there to collect herself.
Hoping to God that I had done enough to help her remember where home was.
After I washed my hands, I waited at the front door for her.
She came stumbling out, looking flustered and dopey.
"I'm not going to make my meeting." She said, looking disappointed.
"Then stay home with us...the world can wait."
She glanced back down the hall, where Gia was playing happily on her play mat...then back up at me.
"You're right B...the world can wait."
TWO WEEKS LATER
HALLOWEEN
Santana's POV
"Thanks for doing this sis."
"Why didn't you ask your wife?" Sandra asked, and I pretended to not hear her.
She'd agreed to come be my backup, which she had insisted I could do, no questions asked.
With our history, there was no way I could tell my sister that Britt was becoming a little too controlling lately because they'd all think it was in a physical way, like in L.A...but it wasn't.
Instead, B was pressing her fingers into me every moment she could because she knew it was nearly impossible for me to resist her, and even if I told them that, they'd think she was forcing herself on me, but she was 100% on the consent train, if I asked her to back off she would.
The problem was that I couldn't.
For too long, I had wanted to be desired by Britt like back when we were kids...it just was starting to feel like it was a little too late.
I had this sinking feeling that once our three month thing was done, and we called off the idea of divorce that she'd go back to paying me attention when she felt like it, which made me not want to give our marriage a fair shot.
She had been ready to end things back in the bunker, and I honestly couldn't see what had changed since then.
All I knew was that Britt hated to see me leave, especially since I had started getting cute again, but it was because of her that I needed to skip being home on a day that I had no classes.
Because of Britt, I'd missed three study groups and two classes after she decided to corner me, fuck me, and leave me craving more.
My grades were slipping, and this was my chance to fix it...I couldn't let her distract me from my dreams.
So, this was my putting my foot down, and going around her.
It just sucked that it was her birthday...that I couldn't help.
"I didn't ask her because she has work. Halloween is always a big deal on Broadway, they do free shows and visit school in character. It's one of her favorite things, and I didn't want her to have to lug around Gia...especially since she'd need to carry my milk around."
"It's not that I don't mind helping. I told you that. I just haven't seen the two of you be a real couple in ages. You stopped doing Sunday dinners, and even though I've been across the street for months, we only see each other when it has to do with the kids. Is she keeping you away?"
I sighed and shook my head as I pulled out the kids' lunch bags. "No. We are just growing up and figuring out our marriage. After Lima...and her leaving me the way she did, there's work that we have to do. Today I need to prioritize myself over her, and that hasn't gone well in the past."
"But she would understand, Ana, don't you think she would? She supports you, you've said so yourself. Why does prioritizing yourself have to be in secret?"
She began pulling food out of my fridge to make breakfast and lunches, and I opened up the kids lunch bags to put in their favorite snacks and a personalized note for both of them.
"Because, it will become a thing. She won't want me to go."
"Which makes zero sense."
I felt frustrated with my sister's prodding, but I didn't let me change my mind. I put on my coat, and then kissed her cheek.
"Listen, do this for me, and I'll sit down with you over coffee and let you lecture me. Okay?" She rolled her eyes and then pulled me into a hug.
"I don't mean to lecture, I just know how you can self-sabotage."
"I love you, Sandra."
"Yeah, yeah. I'm holding you to coffee and a lecture."
"Yep. Milk's in the freezer, I pumped enough for the day. Britt's doing drop off and pick-up, but you'll probably need to do dinner. I already prepped it. Thanks so much! You are a life saver."
"I know. You still haven't told me though, why I had to be here before dawn?"
"Because, I have to drive an hour to be on time."
"Have you told her where you go during the day?"
"No."
"Has she asked?"
"Just once but then changed her mind about knowing. So, I don't talk about it, and I expect that you won't either, right?"
"Of course not. What if she decides to go out tonight?"
"As long as it's with our kids, I know it's her birthday, but they come first. Anyway, I should be home by then so don't worry about it." My watch dinged. "Okay, I love you. I gotta go." I kissed Sandra's cheek and then grabbed my bag. "My ears straight?" I asked and she adjusted the cat ears on my head.
"Have a good day."
"Will do. Kiss my babies extra and send pictures."
"Of course."
I double-checked my ears in the rearview mirror of my car, and then looked up at the front window on a whim.
Britt stood there looking down at me, with the baby in her arms but when our eyes met she turned away.
For the fraction of a second, I could see sadness on her face, but I turned up Gloria Estefan, and backed out of the driveway.
My heart ached to not spend the day with her as my wife, but Halloween hadn't been easy for me since I was 14, at least for that day though I could go off and be with people that knew nothing about that.
For many of my classmates, they couldn't even believe that I was 25 or that I had three children and I liked it that way.
"There she is!" Iris said as I stepped out of my car an hour later. She handed me a mug and shook a brown paper bag at me. "I made us Cafecito and breakfast burritos. Just like I promised."
Her mouse ears had a lot more sparkle than they had the day before when we had picked out our costumes. I took a sip of the coffee and groaned, becoming her friend had been
"Did you bedazzle your ears?" I asked before giving into the hug that she always insisted on. Even though the sun was just rising, she was perkier than she should have been but that's what Cafecito always did to her.
"Well yeah, I have to stand next to you during this showcase, I don't have your face, so I had to sparkle in my own way."
"Oh stop, you're hot."
"Is that your professional opinion?"
We walked arm and arm to the coach bus that was at the far end of the parking lot.
"Being a lesbian isn't a profession, Iris...and if it was, I would NOT be employee of the month. Trust me. My rap sheet with guys is triple what it is with girls." I immediately felt like I said too much but she just let the comment roll off her, she shrugged and sipped her coffee like I hadn't just called myself a slut.
"As long as it sounds like a job title, I will call it a profession. Santana Lopez, Lesbian Extraordinaire." She said as she wiggled her fingers.
She followed my eyes to her hand and actually blushed.
"Careful how you use your fingers, Iris."
"Oh honey, I am very precise with my fingers. As Ms. Rhode Island for two years running, I had to perfect my every movement of my body."
And then she brushed her arm over my boob.
I had to think of dead cats, or I'd spring a leak.
"Watch those arms, Mouse. My tits hurt." I said, and then pulled away from her so I could climb on the bus. We'd been friends for a few weeks, and while I didn't broadcast my business, she did know I was breastfeeding.
Stepping onto the coach bus brought back so much nostalgia.
How long had it been since I had been on one?
Cheer camp?
With B.
My wife.
Who's birthday it was.
And I felt like shit for flirting even if I was allowed to.
Was I even trying to stay available for her?
Is that what either of us even wanted?
Iris and I had planned to sit together for the two hour ride to Mount Holyoke but the only two seater left open was in the very back and I just couldn't bring myself to do that to B.
But then someone took the seat I planned on taking.
So, I told myself to just pull my skirt down, and keep my hands to myself.
Even if we had an agreement, Britt was still supposed to be my person.
And I couldn't disrespect her.
Especially not on Halloween.
When my biology professor, who was also in charge of the choir came to our class to offer extra credit for a sing-off between the Seven Sisters at Mount Holyoke, worth a 5% bump on our final grade, 10% if we placed in the top three, I jumped at the chance.
What I didn't know initially was that it would be on Halloween and a tasteful costume was required, but when I got my first two exams back and they were subpar, I knew that my voice was going to have to carry me yet again.
It'd been years since Dr. Cray had tried to ruin every good thing that I had built for myself in school...Lima aside, he'd been far from my thoughts, but being back in biology, HIS subject brought back demons that I hadn't really faced.
Until Iris.
She was the only other Latina in our biology class and with a last name like Lorenzo, we knew that we had to be friends.
"You going to do the extra credit?"
"I don't think I have a choice." I said to her during our lab a week after the announcement. I showed her my test and she cringed.
"Can I help?"
"You're like 12, how can you help me?"
"I'm 21, actually. I saved this class for my last year because I was scared of it but I'm actually pretty amazing at it."
She showed me her perfect score, and I asked her the most important question I'd ever ask.
"Will you be my lab partner?"
"And tutor? Come on Santana, you can say it. You'll just need to grapple with one crucial question. Can I, a mere 12 year old tutor you?"
"You're going to make me say it?"
"Absolutely."
"Fine, can you tutor me?"
"On one condition."
"And what's that?"
"Do the extra credit with me, but like also join the choir. We really are a dope crew."
"Gross. Don't call yourselves that, it's lame. Besides, how do you even know that I can sing?"
"You're THEE Santana Lopez, any fan of Beyoncé and Mercy, knows who you are. Just because you haven't released the fabled album yet doesn't mean you aren't someone."
"Wait, you knew who I was before now?"
"Yeah, and I'm not the only one. A few of the dope crew knows, at least those of us who don't live under a Broadway rock."
"Ha! That's...a first."
"Really?"
"Yeah, kind of. Most people in choirs are obsessed with Broadway, at least in my experience."
"Did I not mention that we are a dope crew? We know more than show tunes, trust. So, do we have a deal?"
"I have a condition of my own."
"Name it."
"No monopoly on solos. I have been in a choir that has catered to what it thought was its best singer, it was NOT cool or dope."
"Done." She chuckled and shook her head. "Typical."
"What?"
"I love the fact that you think that YOU would be the best singer without hearing any of us sing."
"Well of course I do. I am a bad bitch."
And right then, fate laid a hand for a second time in my life.
I knew right then, that if I ever let myself fall for Iris, I'd be in big trouble.
Because she was uncomplicated, and self-assured.
It was easy to talk to her.
She was all the things that used to make me and Britt work so well...and God, did I miss it.
Iris didn't try anything on the bus like I thought she would, instead she pulled out our biology text book and handed it to me.
"Open book test, I'll hit you with questions. You have sixty seconds to answer each one. Ready?"
"It's barely sunrise, Iris."
"You have kids, you're definitely used to early mornings."
"Okay, you've obviously cyber stalked me because I only told you about Gia."
"Fine. Guilty."
"Crazy thing is, as nosy as I can be I don't know jackshit about you, so how about for every question I get right you tell me something about you that I can't figure out by looking at you."
"Are you vetting me, Santana?"
"Vetting you? For what?"
"I don't know, a job...or you know more...maybe if you and Brittany don't figure it out this time."
"Wait, have you cyberstalked my wife?"
"She's a Broadway choreographer who won a Tony before 25, so yes, I as a music minor know who she is...with the help of the innerwebs. I also know the rumors about how on again/off again you two are."
"There are rumors?"
"Way down deep in the rabbit hole, there are definitely rumors."
"God, You're a dork."
"So what? Can you blame me for wanting to know more about the woman of my dreams?"
I looked down at the textbook and then my ring finger where our wedding date was tattooed into my skin.
And then I remembered the hesitant look in Britt's eyes when she told me that I should explore...she wanted me to see what I was missing, but I knew by the way she fucked me that she didn't mean it.
Iris had potential to be more than a fling.
Something about her intrigued me in a way that I only truly felt with only Britt and Ari, I was pretty sure that Britt wouldn't go for me getting with her.
My wife knew a threat when she saw one, and while I agreed to be open to exploring, once it was looking me in the face I felt terrified.
"You can't say stuff like that, okay." I finally said to her, feeling like I was throwing a great fish back into the sea. "I come with baggage, a lot of it. You have this great life, you're about to graduate and run the world...don't hitch yourself to me. Trust me."
"Wow, okay, I didn't propose, Santana. As we discussed, I have stalked you. I know your baggage...every single part of it."
"And you still want to flirt with me?"
"Yes. I know I don't stand a chance with you even if your wife encouraged you to explore, I won't cross any lines that you don't want me to. I promise."
"Thank you."
"Can't blame a girl for trying though, have you seen you?"
"Daily...yes."
"So, you can't blame me, right?"
"You have a point."
My phone buzzed and I opened the text. Needing to distract myself from the sexual tension I was feeling with Iris so close to me.
All it took was a text from Britt to cool me right down.
Just thought you'd like to see our kids. Shame Elastigirl couldn't make it-Britt
And there they were, dressed in their Incredibles costumes with Britt all done up like Mr. Incredible.
"Oh wow, your family is gorgeous and she...is even hotter dressed up like a Zaddy. Wow."
"Okay, that's a line." I said closing the picture.
"But you're separated."
"Technically but she's no one's Zaddy but mine."
"Oh shit. Excuse me."
"Can we get back to osmosis, please?"
"Oh fine, you are NO fun in the morning."
"Especially not today."
"I'm sorry you're missing Halloween, but hey at least you got to wear cute ears."
"You don't understand, today is Britt's birthday...it's a big deal that I'm not there. I left before anyone was out of bed."
"Oh."
"Yeah...you think I should send her flowers?"
"Does she like flowers?"
"You know what, Iris, I have no idea if she still does, so much has changed."
"Shouldn't you know that."
"There's a lot about my wife that I should know...but we skipped the cute romantic things and jumped straight into being parents."
"That's depressing."
"Who you telling?"
Happy Birthday, Britt Britt. Have fun today!-Ana
I leaned away from Iris and took a picture of my ears and whiskers.
And Britt responded in the only way she could.
Look at that, I guess you are what you eat.-Britt
You would know. ;)-Ana
Let's keep it that way!-Britt
Or what?-Ana
It was our normal flirting, that we'd been doing since forever. Old Brittany would have made a joke about putting me on my knees but instead she quickly reminded me of where we stood.
Unless I announced my intentions with Iris, it would be cheating, and that was something she wouldn't stand for.
Her mind gave me whiplash sometimes, and her next text made me go cold.
Divorce.-Britt
I wanted to argue with her, but instead I turned off my phone and refocused on biology.
We weren't in a good place, and no amount of flirting was going to fix it.
Duly noted.
We stood up on the rafters across from Bryn Mawr, doing a rapid fire sing-off for 1st place sometime around dinner time.
It had been a day full of volunteering, ice breakers, and finally a school competition to see which charity got the grand prize of 31k.
We had chosen a women's shelter that had locations all over New York because they'd just had a fire and badly needed the money.
Because I had been trying to lay low on being rich, I had already donated to the shelter through my foundation, but this extra money would really help them sustain the centers for years to come.
Iris stood next to me in the middle row and took my hand.
She didn't move after that, waiting for me to make a move and I felt conflicted.
Britt and I were in separate rooms, living separate lives outside of our children, what was the harm of a platonic fling with Iris?
So, I squeezed her hand back, and kept our fingers linked.
It was like electric when she started rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand, and I knew that I was in trouble.
After letting it go on for the length of a song, I finally let her hand go because I was still married.
She thankfully, got the hint.
After we came in second because someone other than me had the solo round, I excused myself to the restroom before anyone could stop me.
I had a few missed calls from Sandra and just one message from Brittany.
Please come home.-Britt
I still hadn't told her where I went during the days, so knowing her, she thought this was yet another time I was close to a ledge, and I didn't want her to think that.
So, I went outside and called her.
"Hello?" She said, sounding like her voice was muffled.
"Hey B."
She was all of a sudden alert.
"HI! Where are you?"
"I um...had business stuff. I told you that."
"It's late."
"It's 7:30."
"What time will you be home?"
"I um...probably won't be home until eleven."
"Are you serious?"
"I am. I'm not even in New York right now, B."
"Wait, where are you?"
"In Massachusetts."
"Wow, that's really fucking great. Happy Birthday to me, I guess. Sandra took the kids for the night so I could enjoy my birthday...I was waiting for you. I'm dressed up, I guess I thought you were going to surprise me with something. Maybe...work on us, like you said we would."
I felt like complete shit.
"We can still go out when I get home."
"You want me to sit here for another four hours and wait for you to have time for me?"
"I'm sorry, B...this was important."
"More important than me? How about our kids, they are finally understanding today and what trick-or-treating is, and you weren't here for it. It was Gia's first Halloween, Santana."
"I know."
"You know what, just don't bother coming home tonight. I'm going to celebrate with my friends in the city...the kids are out until tomorrow, so stay where you are."
"What?! I'm coming home, B."
"Whoever she is, I hope she's worth it." And then she hung up in my ear.
Great.
When our choir director insisted that we grab dinner before heading back to Vassar, it felt wrong to say no, so I didn't.
Looks like it will be more like 11:30, B. Sorry about tonight. I'll make it up to you-Ana
Don't bother-Britt
I'll see you at home?-Ana
Maybe-Britt
Please?-Ana
What does it matter, you'll be in your room, and I'll be in mine.-Britt
It doesn't have to be that way, I want to spend the night with you-Ana
Just the night?-Britt
Please?-Ana
We'll see, driving. Gotta go-Britt
"Hey, Lopez, I was making an impassioned speech about the amazing teamwork. Could you put the phone down for a few minutes?" I looked up from my phone and all eyes were on me, and that's when I had to put it all out there. As much as I wanted to act like a normal college student, I wasn't one.
"Sorry, I am a mother of three and it is Halloween. As great as this is, I'm missing an important night...it's also my wife's birthday."
And they all looked pitiful after that because most of them didn't know I had kids, or that I was married.
But Iris did, and when I looked up at her, she looked away from me.
Like she was ashamed...or maybe just guilty?
Had she prolonged our night?
Was dinner her idea?
Everyone agreed to get dinner to go, and we'd enjoy it together on the bus.
I thought it was a great tradeoff.
When we got to Vassar, Iris insisted that I go back with her to her room so she could get some coffee in me, and I didn't argue.
But that delayed me even more, which was how I knew that whatever good faith I built up in my marriage was dead.
And knowing Britt, she'd probably made my sister feel just as pissed off as she was.
So, once I was in my car, I thought I should let my sister know that I wasn't high in a ditch somewhere.
A lot of good that did me.
Hey sis, thanks for taking the kids tonight-Santana
Are you home?-Sandra
On the way.-Santana
What time will you get there?-Sandra
Near midnight-Santana
Expect the lecture when you come pick up the kids tomorrow-Sandra
I don't need one. I know I fucked up-Santana
You have no idea how much. Drive safe, let me know when you get home!-Sandra
Will do.-Santana
I love you-Santana
And because I knew that me out driving so late on a night where people drank a lot would make my sister think of Brenda, I felt terrified when she didn't respond...so I sat there until she did.
It took five minutes but eventually it came.
I love you too. ¡Cuídate! -Sandra