Coming Home (Leon Bridges)
Santana's POV
Six Months Later
Her eyes sparkled down at me as she held me firmly against her body.
Brittany had always been and would always be my favorite dancing partner. I'm pretty sure it's the way she looks at me like nothing else exists but us.
My skin always tingled at her tender touch.
She spread her fingers over my lower back, as she led us around the dance floor. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, where she was my bliss and I was her muse, but then she kissed my lips before twirling me away.
The music was bumping as she pulled me back to her, but when I looked up, all I saw was the darkest eyes staring back at me.
Iris.
No, that wasn't right.
I blinked hard, and there she was again, my Brittany.
My love.
Her eyes were full of tears as she stepped back and wagged her finger at me.
"Please, B. I'm sorry." I whispered and she pouted at me.
"Prove it, give me something to come home to."
"Don't go." I whispered to her as she sat cuffed on the porch of our house.
Not our house.
The for sale sign.
Our sad kids as we packed up the big yellow moving truck.
And then Isaac, took a step back.
He was hugging Quinn, who held him tighter than I ever managed to.
She'd promised me when she became his godmother, that she'd always give him the love that he needed.
"Please, Papa, stay with Mami."
"I need Dama, not you." He said, and my heart ached.
"Please, Isaac."
"You have Dani and Gigi. I need to be here!" He yelled at me.
My son, the one who I'd nearly killed at least twice was turning away from me and it was just what I deserved.
Sinking.
Sinking.
I gripped my hair as I cried, and then little arms were wrapping around me.
"Shh, it's okay Mami. You have me. Papa will take care of us."
I pulled back and looked at my daughter.
And then she was standing by Marco's side, holding his hand, while Gia sat on his lap.
"No." I whimpered, as I looked down at the marble floor of his penthouse.
How was I in his clutches again?
"Don't dirty that floor, Princesa. You need to show me how you can be quiet, you're scaring our girls."
"Not yours." I said.
"What's your contingency plan?" Nico asked me.
"You should have come to me sooner." Sugar popped her gum as she held her hand out to me.
I had been on my knees but just like always, when she saw me down and out, she reached for me.
That was Sugar, refusing to pull away, just like always.
Because she knew what it was to be tossed aside.
"Help me." I was weeping at Walker's feet, and she patted my shoulder.
"You need to say the words, Santana."
"I can't."
"You can, Santana."
"Help."
"Santana. Come on, breathe, you can't go back to this, come on."
The heavy darkness that had me sinking again, after 5 years of sobriety made me feel like God had finally had enough of my selfishness.
But then I felt light.
The sun was on my face as I sat in the bleachers.
Laughter surrounded me as I watched a play.
Court was moving with such grace as she bested my nephew.
Brenda was cheering him on from the front with the baby on her lap, as her husband held an arm around her.
I turned to my left and my parents were clapping, as they leaned together.
Abuela held my hand, and Ian sat just in front of me hooting at Brittany's little sister.
A stroller sat in front of Mami, and she kept rocking it back and forth.
My Angel.
Had I finally done it?
Was I finally gone?
"Next act!" Finn called out, after Court bested Ethan. It felt good to see Finn, and when he looked right at me, he winked.
I gasped then, when twirling across the stage with her curls golden, and her body nimble was Ari.
"No." I whimpered, and everyone looked at me like I was crazy.
They'd all been happy until I called out.
"You shouldn't be here." Abuela said to me, as she patted my cheek. "Not until you're time."
God's time not mine.
God's time not mine.
Ari's brother met her at the side of the stage, and she looked so happy.
So fucking happy.
Oh God, oh God.
Heavy.
Heavy.
"Santana? She's breathing!" Walker again.
"Oh thank the sweet Lord!" Doc cried out.
"No, no, no!" I screamed as I cried into the wet carpet.
My body was on fire, as I squirmed in my wet pants.
I'd lost all my bodily functions.
My body had nearly quit, but then I was looking up into Walker's gray eyes. She'd trusted me when no one else did, and I had betrayed her by nearly sinking her businesses with my money laundering. Still, when I'd called for help, she'd come without question.
I didn't deserve her.
"Hey, focus on me." She slapped my face lightly. "Don't spiral, it's done, you're back."
"I'm sorry." I felt so stupid.
How was I back to this?
"What were you thinking?" Dr. Clover was pacing across the penthouse while I sat with an icepack on my face.
"I don't know."
"Did you want to die?"
"Yes." She stopped short, and looked at me like she used to, way back in rehab the first time.
In all that time, I had never admitted to her that I was trying to die.
But now I was.
"It's been a rough six months with Brittany away, but it's all temporary."
"And my son, doc. How could he choose to live with Quinn over me?"
"He's an hour away, and Quinn gave you a key to the house."
"Yeah, because she wants me to live there."
"Would that be so bad?"
"I sold my house to cover my restitution and Britt's court fees. My friend died, and Marco still fucking lives. I didn't know about the second parent adoption, how was I supposed to know he still had rights? I can't let him have my babies, Doc. He can't have them."
"It's just supervised visitation, Santana."
"For now!"
"Do you need treatment?"
"No. I'll be fine."
"You've been ordered to serve probation in Lima for a year, and your ex-husband who lives in New York was just granted supervised visitation with your daughters. You are not fine."
"I can take care of it, if you'd let me." Sugar said from somewhere behind me. "Just say the word."
"No more death." I snapped at her, and she sighed.
"Fine. Do you have any bright ideas, Walker because you're the only other person she listens to."
"I already gave her my two cents, but she thinks that will just mess things up with Brittany even more." Walker said, as she brought a tray of tea to the living room.
I sat looking down at that murky water, and then looked at my friend who had aged since we'd last seen each other.
She still had a scar across her forehead from that night that everything went to shit.
"I have coffee pods."
"No more substances, you need to clean your system. Drink the tea."
"I hate tea." I muttered.
"Yeah well I hate watching my friend overdose, so neither of us get what we want today." Walker had come all the way to New York to help me move back with the girls and had walked in on me trying to end it all while my girls were in school.
I hadn't been thinking about the after, and what would happen to them because my sister and Quinn had secondary guardianship.
they'd be okay.
Now though, I was thinking about the trauma it would have caused my son.
The one who didn't want me.
My fault.
"I think you need to go see Brittany, you haven't seen her since they took her away, right?"
I looked at my old therapist turned friend.
"I don't know if she'll want to see me."
"Actually you're the only one she wants to see." Sugar said as she plopped down next to me.
"How do you know that?"
"She writes it in her letters that you won't read."
"You have no business reading my mail, Sugar."
"Someone has to. Especially since she draws pictures for the girls and writes them stories. Just because you want to be a dumbass doesn't mean the kids have to suffer."
"Listen to you, parent of the fucking year." I muttered.
"Actually, I head the P.T.A. like a boss at the new elementary school, so yes. I am parent of the year."
"I need to clean this piss off my legs and change." I mumbled, as I got up from the floor and walked to my bedroom.
Of course I wasn't alone.
Sugar was with me.
Thankfully, just her.
When the door closed, she pressed me back against the door and grabbed my chin. "You scared me. I promised Brittany that I would take care of you in every way you needed, but I'm sure she meant to scratch your itches, not give you drugs."
"You brought drugs here, did you think I wouldn't take them?"
"That was a mistake that I will never make again."
"You promised me that you were done with that life."
"I am. It was a favor for my uncle, and I should have turned him down."
"Yeah, you should have. I can't have you here jeopardizing my sobriety."
"Day 1 again, Santana. There is no sobriety...not until you get clean."
"I know."
"You made it five years, that's an accomplishment, next time make it ten."
"What do I get if I do that?"
"You want to make a bet?"
"A promise. If I can stay clean from today on, you'll never leave."
"Wait, are you saying you want to keep me around like your bitch? I'm a mom, Santana, I can't just be running errands and keeping you stocked like before."
"I lost Ari, Sugar, and I've practically lost Quinn...I don't have a third anymore...please?"
"Fine, but I'm not Quinn or Ari, let's get that straight. I can, and I will put you the fuck down if I have to."
"I know."
"Good. If that's what you want, then I will stick with you."
"Okay, and just so we are clear, I don't want anyone touching me but Brittany." I slapped her hand from my face, and she threw her hands up.
"Noted." She sighed, "But you know 18 months is a long time, you've got 12 months to go."
"Then in 12 months, you'll distract my kids while I let Brittany touch me all over." I winked.
"Gross."
"Not grosser than me covered in piss. So, if you want to hover, at least let me by so I can shower."
"You got it but I'm not leaving your side."
I felt like shit as I stood shaking next to Sugar at the school gate.
Daniela came out of the school the moment the bell rang and walked towards us with at swollen lip from her last fight, and bright eyes.
"Mami!" She squealed. "You brought Sweetie!"
Sugar grinned, loving that she had a nickname from my kid.
"She's going to be with us a lot more often, Beba."
Her happy face slipped, and her fists were on her hips as she looked at us both.
"Why? Is she going to make Mama hafta stay away?"
"No. She's just like my helper."
"Like a nanny? Lots of kids have nanny's here, can I tell them I has one too?"
I was ready to correct her, but Sugar scooped her up, and tickled her little belly.
"Of course you can."
"Awesome! How long you staying?"
"Santana, have you not?" Sugar looked at me and I shrugged guiltily.
I had weeks to tell Daniela that we were moving to Ohio that coming weekend, but I hadn't.
There were still three school days left, I had time.
At least, that's what I'd been telling myself since the verdict came down.
There was a big puzzle piece I needed to iron out, because I couldn't do visitation over hundreds of miles, and I wasn't letting another one of my sisters take my kids.
Living without just one of them was hard, but if I had to leave Gia and Daniela behind, I was sure that staying clean would be nearly impossible.
Everything hinged on Brittany and Marco, like always.
The only two people on the planet that I'd married and divorced, were now holding my sanity in their hands.
Marco had been acting tame every single week when I'd brought the kids down to the empty preschool, so he'd be able to see them and watch Daniela play her piano.
I would sit in the lobby for two long hours while a court ordered mediator sat in the room with them, and then I'd watched his motorized wheelchair leave the building before I would get my girls back.
All-in-all, we saw each other for ten minutes every two days, and it was more than enough for me.
But now they were making the visitation a daily thing, at his request.
They promised he wouldn't always be there, that he just wanted the permission to be, but I knew Marco and so far he'd been making it a point to have time with the girls separately each day.
Which is why I was standing there, waiting for Daniela with only Sugar by my side.
Tonight's plan was dinner at my penthouse, just the four of us and a court appointed mediator, thankfully for me, my mediator was Doc.
Having her there, so soon after I'd nearly overdosed would be helpful for me because I was still twitching, and I knew that once Marco saw that, he'd use it as ammo if there wasn't someone to mediate.
I wasn't ready to have him in mine and Britt's home without her there, but I had no better choice. It was either dinner in my penthouse or his, and I tried to make it a point to never go back there unless I had to.
The last time he'd been over it had been with Ari, and he'd been a priest.
At least, that's what I can remember.
My memory had been so shoddy lately.
Years of overdosing, and brain trauma was starting to catch up.
Even in my dreams, it was so hard to see what was real and what wasn't.
Ari in my dreams with those that had died, was new.
It made me ache.
"Mami? Why are you crying?" Daniela snapped me out of my reverie, as we walked back home. "Sweetie let me go to Mami."
Sugar was holding her for a reason.
I'd been only an hour fresh from my overdose, the coke was still coursing through me, and I didn't want to hold Daniela like this.
"Mami isn't feeling well today, Dani."
"Then put me down so I can hold her hand, she needs me. I promised Mama that I would take care of her, so let me. Damn." Daniela said, and I wanted to correct her but who was I to do that?
Sugar put my daughter down, and her hand was in mine in seconds. "I'm sorry, Beba." I whispered as I looked down at her.
And fuck did I regret looking in her eyes because my children weren't normal children.
They knew about my addiction, even though Daniela was barely 7, and couldn't really remember my last real high, she did know about it.
It'd been a hard decision, but Mami always said, if a kid is old enough to ask the question, then they are old enough to hear the answer.
Britt had told them, and I had answered questions about it.
And even though I was unsure, Britt had taken Daniela to a family support meeting.
Isaac didn't want any parts because he remembered, he was 8 months older than Daniela, and had the memory of an elephant.
He knew now why I had to go away from him.
And he'd seen me use drugs.
Which was probably why he wanted Quinn.
He knew the beginning of a spiral, and I smacked him across the face when he asked me if I was going back to drugs.
The look on his face was still haunting me.
He'd called Quinn, and just like that she was offering to take him until Britt was back.
And I couldn't fight it.
My son needed special attention, and I wasn't equipped to give him everything that he needed.
Not on my own.
I needed Britt.
"What time are visiting hours over?" I asked Sugar when we got home.
"Six."
"Can you take me?"
"You have dinner in an hour, Santana, I don't know if you're going to make it back."
"I don't fucking care. I won't let him dictate what I do."
"Can I go to the loft?" Daniela asked, and I crouched down, and wobbled before deciding to sit down.
"Come here." I opened my arms, and my daughter tentatively knelt between my legs and wrapped her arms around me.
"You messed up?" She squeaked.
"I did, Beba. I'm sorry, I'm going to make it right."
"It's been a long time since the last time you did drugs, Mami. What happened?"
"I miss Mama."
"But you were okay when me and Mama went on tour."
"I miss Isaac too." I mumbled.
"He would be so mad at you."
"I know."
"I'm not mad though. You will do better next time, right?"
"Yes, Beba." I held her close, not daring to look in her eyes, because I felt like I'd just lied. The cravings were back with a motherfucking vengeance.
"Is Papa coming over today?"
"Yeah, but I wish he wasn't."
"I know, but he's sad too, Mami. Me and Gigi, make him smile. He lives all alone in that big apartment."
"Beba, I need to tell you something."
She pulled away and put her hands on my cheeks, looking serious.
"Tell me."
"We have to move again, back to Lima. I promised your prima that I would make it right, and I need to do that."
"When?"
"Sunday, after family dinner. We can't go without seeing Isaac first."
"And you're doing it for Prima?"
"Yes."
Her lip trembled.
Ari was a sore spot for her.
Hers was the first death to hit Daniela, now that she really understood what it meant.
Not even Angel and Mami's had really sunk in.
But Ari had been right in front of her, joking with her, and teasing one week and gone the next.
We all felt gutted.
Broadway was still reeling, and my wife had voluntarily turned herself in, feeling like there was no dancing without making amends to Ari.
And then there was the loss of seeing Gloria all the time since she went back to the convent.
She'd shaved her head, put on a Habit, and took a vow of silence, choosing to spend the rest of her life in service to God since she professed there was no other love for her than Ari.
Daniela slumped against me and wept against my shoulder.
My phone buzzed and I fished it from my hoodie while rubbing my baby girl's back.
Sugar was watching us when I held my phone out, choosing not to talk to Marco in that moment.
"See what he wants." I said, then I stood up slowly with my daughter still in my arms. "I'm going to take her upstairs for a bit."
"Are you steady?" Sugar asked and I nearly toppled over in response. She helped me to my feet and then walked with her hand gripping my arm as we made it into the elevator.
Daniela needed some attention, and she had to come first.
Right then, nothing else could matter but her.
Daniela had finally learned to read music scales for strings and was trying her hardest to take on my favorite sonata.
"Why is this so hard?" She was frustrated as she banged her hands on the keys.
"If it were easy, everyone could do it. Let's try an equally challenging song, which will be easier for your fingers. Some of this is also about your reach, and my arms are longer than yours."
She glared at me, "You said you could play it at 7, and I'm almost 7, I should be able to do it."
"I could play it but maybe it wasn't as good as it is now. How about you sit on my lap, and put your hands on top of mine while I play?"
Sugar came up the steps with Gia in her arms, and Walker just behind her.
"Oh, a show. I don't think I've ever gotten to hear either of you play." Walker said.
"It's a treat." Doc said as she sat down on the couch.
"Ready to give them a show, Beba?"
"What if I mess you up?"
"You won't. If anything, you'll just make it better."
"Can we record it for Mama and Papa?" She asked and it hurt, that Marco was included in the equation, but I had to just accept that things would never be like they were.
I nodded to Doc who already had her phone out. She pulled up FaceTime, and there was Marco with a grin.
Sugar had her phone at the ready too, "Okay, want to start slower or do you want to go at full speed?" I asked as I nuzzled my face against her neck until she giggled.
"Full speed."
"Okay, count us off."
"1, shake it out."
We shook out our hands.
"What's next?" I whispered.
"2, adjust your neck and shoulders."
I cracked my neck in each direction with my fist, while Daniela just pretended to.
"Finally?" I asked.
"3, rest your fingers, and go."
I put my fingers at the start and waited for her hands. Her little fingers lightly pressed on mine.
Then I took off at full speed, bouncing my head as I went and Daniela kept up, her hands stretching and her body relaxing.
For the full nearly 8 minute sonata she kept up.
"Finish it, Beba." I said, moving my hands and I watched in awe as my sweet girl finished off the sonata with a bouncing head, and full confidence.
I pressed the foot pedals for her, as she went for a solid 2 minute loop.
Then for the finish she grabbed my hands and let me do the last bit of banging.
She wiggled with glee as the song ended and looked up at our audience.
They were all clapping, and Marco was wiping away tears. Then I saw that he wasn't alone.
Was that Aurelio?
Did that mean my plan would fall through?
Crap.
"Can I speak with Santana, please?" Marco asked Doc before she could hang up.
He'd used my full name, which was so rare that I felt shaken.
I knew better than to fuck with him.
"Beba, can you go downstairs while I talk to Papa, it's one of those boring adult conversations that you don't like."
"Ew."
"I know, right?!"
"Will you be okay?" She was searching my eyes in a way that I never wanted her to do.
It made me feel like the worst parent in the world.
And I had some not so good ones.
Once Sugar took the girls downstairs with Walker, Doc handed me the phone, and then leaned on the piano.
She had no intention of leaving.
I looked at Marco and waited for him to say something devastating like he always did.
"You were twitching that whole time." He said, scolding me…as if he hadn't been using just six months before.
He was still in his first year of sobriety, he had no right to judge me.
"Day 1." I said. "It's all a bit much."
"Just because I got daily visitation doesn't mean I'm taking them from you, Santana."
I flinched.
"Not yet." I muttered.
"No. I can't handle two rambunctious little girls. I could never do for Preciosa what you did for her. She looked so unsure at first and finished off so confident, you did that. I would be stupid to take her from her mother. I know what it's like to grow up without your mom."
"I know."
"I heard that you have to move to Lima."
"Yeah…I've been putting off figuring out the details, but it's only a matter of days before I need to be there. I need to report to court on Monday morning."
"Have you gone to visit your wife yet?"
"No, I wanted to do that today, and hopefully every day until I leave. It's time. I slipped today, and I feel like I wouldn't have if I'd been going to see her."
"I don't doubt it. Brittany's good that way, helping you stay in line."
For the first time, that statement didn't sound malicious, it was just facts.
"How are we going to do visitation now?" I asked him.
"Well, Papi was just telling me that I should go with you, since that's my home. Lima Heights was where I took my first steps. He even offered to come."
"Really?" I asked, as Aurelio popped his head in the frame.
"Yes, of course. It will be good to be back home, and to check in on Sofia's family. It's been hard after losing two kids in a year. Especially Ari, the whole family is wrecked."
"So am I, but she's finally at rest. No more Cancer scares. No more chemotherapy. No more pain."
We all crossed ourselves, and then Marco looked at me with all seriousness.
"Do you mind if I come stay in Lima too?"
"As long as it's not under the same roof."
"Understandable. I have to find something to accommodate my chair, and from what I recall your rebuilt apartments don't have an elevator."
"We have 1st floor units, I think it would make me more comfortable if you were in the same complex, that way the girls won't have to go to some strange place."
"Are you offering to be my landlord again?"
"Well, I won't be, that's Walker. I can't own a business for five years, it's a part of the agreement. Monetary restitution, community service, and the suspension of my real estate and business licenses."
"Harsh."
"In lieu of 10 years of prison time, not harsh."
"And you'll be back in meetings?"
"Yes. It's all been figured out behind my back by Doc, Walker, and Sugar."
"None of your sisters?"
"Things have been tense again. I told you that, after I tried to…well you know…with Quinn again, which I still say is a grieving, drunken mistake, everyone has pulled away."
"And after you hit Izzy." Marco said, still a bit pissed himself, since I was drunk when I did it. Britt still didn't know, at least not from me.
"I know what I did, okay."
"Will you go to Sunday dinner?"
"I go every week, more for the kids than me. I'm usually outside smoking."
"You need to go see her."
"I know."
"I mean now. Go visit your wife…you're falling apart without her."
"Who's fault is that?"
"Hey, I didn't tell her to beat me with the cane. That's second degree assault, she could have been in there for 5 years, she only got 18 months because I petitioned the court."
I knew better than to argue over this, so I moved on.
"Thanks for making plans to come to Lima, I'll talk to Walker about getting you a place. Are we skipping dinner?"
"No. I still want to see the girls."
"Fine. I'm gonna go though."
"As you should."
I was expecting my wife to look like shit, but in true Brittany fashion, she was joking around with the guards as she walked into the room.
From the surprise on her face when she saw me sitting at the table, they hadn't told her it was me that was visiting.
I stood up and clenched my hands in front of me.
"Can I hug her, Mikey? It's been six months." She asked the guard and he looked around, and then nodded.
"Be quick about it." He said, and she nodded.
Being wrapped up in Britt's arms again, made all the shaking feel less maddening.
She sniffed my head and my neck, then she pressed her lips to mine.
I whimpered when she nipped my lip.
The guard cleared his throat and finally Britt pulled back and grinned down at me.
"Hey there, baby love." She kissed me once more and then sat down at the metal table. "Sit down."
I sat down across from her and put my hands on the table. She took them and began tracing her fingers over my knuckles.
"I'm sorry that it took so long to visit you, B. A lot has happened since you were last home."
"Tell me about it." She said, as she drank in the sight of me. Her eyes were looking over my blonde hair, and the tone of my arms.
Then her eyes were on my lips.
"You look pretty." I said to her, and she nodded.
"I know, we are both so pretty. Now is not the time to stall, we're on a timer. So, I need you to tell me the truth about everything, even if you think I've heard it already."
Her eyes were on mine, and then she raised an eyebrow as she gripped my hands a little tighter.
"Like confession?"
"Exactly."
"After Ari's memorial…the one after you went away, I got plastered and went home like that. Isaac asked me about my sobriety, and I slapped him." Her hands clenched around mine for a second, as she flinched. "No one told you?"
She shook her head. "No. Quinn has been by but only to talk about silly stuff. Never anything really serious."
"He asked to live with her until you come home, and I said yes."
"That's got to be hard, baby."
"It is. I hate myself for it, even though he told me he forgives me…I know that I used to forgive my father each time. It's the closest I've ever come to being him. It's good that he's with Q."
"He should be home."
"I know."
"But I understand why he's not. When I get out, I'll bring him home myself. What else?"
"I'm on Day 1 again."
She let go of my hands and looked guilty.
"You were doing so well!"
"I know."
"Tell me about it."
"I snorted two bags and my heart stopped, but Walker brought me back. I saw all our loved ones. It was so peaceful, I even saw Court and Ari, but I didn't belong there yet. The girls weren't home, I wouldn't do that again."
"I'm so sorry that what I did messed up all your progress. What pushed you to this? Was it me?"
"I didn't want to live anymore."
"Why not? You still have the girls. I'm okay in here, Izzy is safe. There's no reason to do that. Please stay, I don't want to live in a world where you aren't around."
"I know, B."
"What broke you because I know you've been okay since Lake George, right?"
"Well, no. Each time something bad happens, I'm closer and closer to ending it all."
Britt was in tears now, and I felt even worse than I had.
"I'm sorry, B. I'm staying, okay. I'm going to get help. I promise."
"What happened?"
"Marco was granted daily visitation with the girls, we never completed our second parent adoption, so he was able to reinstate his rights to the girls."
"That fucking snake. I knew he'd swoop in. I was so stupid."
"It's supervised."
"Thankfully."
"Anything else?"
"I need to move back to Lima for a year to finish my community service. So, I can't come back to see you after Saturday."
"Oh, are you taking the girls?"
"Yes. Rob and Walker got the apartments rebuilt, so I'll be staying there." I dropped my head and took a deep breath, and when I was ready her expression was so open to me. "Marco is coming too. He's going to stay in a downstairs unit, and I'll be upstairs. Sugar will be staying with us, she's become our nanny. It's a three bedroom unit, so the girls will have a room, and Sugar will share a room with her son."
"Oh wow."
"I told her she didn't have to do that, but she insists."
"Then she should just stay in the room with you."
"I only want you, Britt. She told me you gave her permission to get me off, but I'm not interested."
"I'm okay with that. I got my sex drive back, and we have a lot of sexy time to make up for when I get out of here, so be ready for me."
"Is that right, B?" I grinned.
"Yeah, I want to fuck you in every way, as much as possible."
"Wanky."
"I know, right?" Her face was sweet but then she was serious again, "Look, right now you need someone by your side all the time. Please just let Sugar stay in the bedroom with you."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. It would make me feel better."
"Okay."
"What about school?"
"I'm going to finish out at UNOH, that way I'm still in Lima. It's not a bad school, you know none of us wanted to go there but Walker suggested that I give it a look, since that's where Tori is. She loves it there, and so I'll finish my last two years there."
"That's awesome. That was my second choice if I didn't get into Julliard. I was going to cheer and join the stock racing team. You know I loved Motocross and doing something similar with stock cars would have been so cool."
"Well I'll be there for two years, so when you and Isaac come home, you can do that with them."
"Seriously? It's dangerous."
"Which means that your daughter will love it. Isaac, not so much."
"I never asked because I knew how'd you get when you saw me jumping over those hills."
"It was terrifying, B."
"It was sexy, and you know it. Once I had my helmet off, you were all over me."
"Because you're hot."
"Well duh. Are you sure you're okay with me teaching the kids dangerous stuff?"
"I know you'll keep them safe, B. You always do."
"Awesome. When we get home, I'll see if I can get a dance studio started, and maybe I'll take some classes with you. I really just want to be a stay at home mom, I don't want to miss anything else."
"Are you sure?"
"That's all I really wanted in the first place. New York was your dream, not mine."
"Oh."
"I have three Tony awards now. Plus Ari is gone, I don't think I could enjoy it anymore. She was my favorite part, and without her, well it's not the same."
"I'm sorry, B."
"I thought my bone marrow was enough."
"It was but this was terminal, B."
"She told me why she freaked out, how she was afraid she'd die, and you'd be here still, being hurt by me."
"Yeah."
"Well I won't let her down. She was the best of us, and she was right. If I could hurt Marco like that, there's no reason to think I couldn't hurt anyone else. I've been taking anger management in here, and I finally found a medicine that works. It doesn't take my brain away from me. I'm happy now, and I like the way it feels."
"That's great, B. Ari would be so proud of you." I was crying as I smiled at her. "I'm glad that you're happy."
"Hey." She brought my hands to her lips. "I'm not as happy as I would be with you in our bed…or with our little monsters."
"They miss you so much, B."
"I miss them too. Tell me about them."
We spent the rest of the time talking about the kids, and she encouraged me to keep being honest.
For six months, I had stayed away, thinking that she'd be a shell of herself but instead, even locked up she was lifting me up.
"I miss you, B."
"I miss you too. Things are going to be different when I get home, I just need you to stay clean, and don't let Marco ruin any more of our lives."
"That's a big ask, B."
"But you're up for the job, no one can set him straight like you can."
"Took you long enough to understand that."
"And it took you long enough to explain to me why he's important to you. I hate it and I really hate him, but I get it. He's your family, and you made vows that will always exist."
"I hate him too, but he's good with the girls. They love him, and as much as I wish he would go away, he gets Daniela on a level that I can't."
"Yeah?" Britt looked sad. I gripped her hands until she looked at me, and then smiled.
"Yes, but she's still your girl, B. She figured out that I slipped, and she was gentle and forgiving, which only could have come from you."
"Do you mean that?"
"I do. She misses you a lot. He's just like her favorite uncle."
"If you say so. Let's not talk about him anymore."
"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"
"You and the kids."
"What do you want to know?"
"Will you come back tomorrow?"
"Yes, B."
"Good, I'm excited to see you on Day 2. I bet your eyes will be brighter."
"I hope so."
"How many days were you sober before today?"
"2033 days."
"So you actually made it 5.57 years."
"Yeah? I always forget how good you are with numbers."
"I'm so proud of you, Ana, for knowing you need to get help. Just because you're on Day 1 again doesn't mean that you didn't just kick ass for nearly six years."
"You're not mad?"
"I'm disappointed, and I'm worried but I'm not mad. You just need to lean on your village, baby. This is not the time for pride, not if you're serious about being sober and making better choices. So don't stop coming to see me, let me lift you while you're still here."
"Okay, B. I'll be here tomorrow. Thank you for believing in me."
"I will always believe in you."
"Thank you. Do you need me to bring you anything?"
"Can you bring pictures for my wall?"
"Okay, anything else?"
"My commissary is low."
"Okay, I'll have Sugar take care of that. She's been taking care of financial stuff for me. Sandra gave me an allowance, and it's hard to manage alone, but Sugar is amazing with that kind of thing."
"Good, that's what you need. Now, before I go, where did you get the drugs?"
"Sugar was doing a deal, and I found them."
Her nostrils flared.
"Tomorrow, you bring Sugar to see me too. Please?"
"Okay, B. I can do that."
The timer buzzed.
"One more hug, Mikey?" She asked the guard.
"I've already let you have ten extra minutes, so make it quick. No make outs like earlier."
"My bad." She said, and then grinned at me before pulling me into a super tight hug. "I love you, baby. I'm glad you came. I love you to infinity and beyond."
"I love you too, Britt Britt."
"You've got this, Ana banana pudding pop."
"Thanks, B. I needed to hear that."
"Allow yourself Grace, Ana. It's what you need to give yourself. You've always given me grace, and now it's time to give it back to yourself. You've earned it."
"I'll do better, B."
"Good."
I stood there clenching my hands while they took Britt away again.
And when I stepped into the parking lot, with the rain pouring down like crazy, there was Sugar waiting with a giant umbrella and a hot cup of coffee.
"All good?"
"Yeah, all good."
"How is she?"
"Better than ever."
"Oh, yeah? Some people do so well in prison, it's nuts. Others break, but you know, I'm actually not surprised that Brittany is doing okay."
"Me either…she knows the drugs came from you, she wants you to see her tomorrow."
"Shit. That can't be good."
"No worse than Nico or Carmen beating your ass, at least in there she's barely allowed to touch you."
"Thank God for small miracles."
SIX MORE MONTHS
When I went up to get my six month chip, I was overly emotional as if I didn't have a five year chip somewhere collecting dust.
"How do you feel?" Walker asked when I sat down beside her.
"Good, Daniela is going to be so excited."
"Yeah, but are you excited?"
"I think so."
"Hey, I know it's not a five year chip, but that time is gone. You can only focus on one day at a time."
"It's just shitty."
"Do you want me to hold it for you?"
"No." I muttered, rubbing the chip.
It'd been six months of daily work in Lima Heights, helping to rebuild back even better than before.
There weren't any rundown houses anymore.
Habitat for humanity had stepped in, and with donations, people were getting completely new houses, at their same rents or mortgages.
But the heaviness of turning over my little girls to Marco every day was wearing on me, because Daniela was picking up his habits.
And mannerisms.
And temper.
Gia was also loving him more than anything as she rode on his lap, while he sang to her.
I was scared that she'd forget B.
Everything on the surface was good, even school which was so much more laid back than Columbia or Vassar.
There were no pretenses.
A lot of people were from Lima and knew my reputation as an HBIC.
They respected me.
But I was still feeling empty.
Walker tried her best to keep my spirits up as we sat in her office at the Lima Bean, but even that hurt.
Even though it was a new building, it still looked the same…which meant that it still reminded me that I had thrown away a good investment.
All for what?
"You need to go see Brittany."
"I will, Isaac turns 8 next week, and I've already gotten permission to go."
"Good, will you be taking your brood."
"Sure will, and Marco will be staying right here."
"Promise me that you'll go see her when you're home."
"It's just three days, because Daniela has school, but yes, I'll go see B."
"I hope she sends you back home with a fresh perspective."
"Me too."
"Are you feeling tempted?"
"No, I just feel sad. Maybe it would be good to schedule time with Amy, now that Doc is working out in Rhode Island."
"That's a good idea."
I expected Britt to be just as chipper when I saw her again, but when she came in she looked a little worn out.
At least she was until she saw me.
Her eyes brightened as she sat on the bench, that's when I noticed a new guard.
"What happened to Mikey?"
"He got stabbed, never came back."
"Oh."
"What day are you on?"
"195."
"6.4 months."
"Yes."
"I'm so proud of you, Baby."
I nodded and tried to smile but I couldn't, not when it looked like she was losing sleep.
"Tell me what's wrong, B. Confess."
"You don't want to hear my stuff, you have your own worries."
"Please, B."
"Dani is 7 now, and Gigi just turned 2. I didn't get to be there for her birthday, and now Izzy is turning 8. It hurts to not be there with my kids…and with you."
"I know."
"And my parents, they finally came to see me and told me that I was enjoying prison too much. That I should be learning something from this. I've been soul searching, praying a lot. I turn 27 when I leave here, that's almost 30. Who will I be for our kids and for you?"
"Their Mama, who they love to the ends of the Earth, and my wife who I love more than life."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
Finally she smiled, and it felt good knowing that this time it was me that lifted her up. Life without her wasn't the best. I never wanted to deal with going without her again.
"So, Izzy came to see me." She said with a half-smile. "Quinn didn't want to bring him, but he'd been asking every day, and you know how he gets so she brought him."
"Oh God, how was it seeing him."
"He had a million questions about why I was here, and what lesson I had learned. Then he asked me if I was going to fix things when I got home."
"Right. So what did you say?"
"I told him that I was going to fix everything that I could. I also told him that he'll be coming home to Lima with me, because he can't stay with Quinn and Celia forever. They just had another kid, and their hands are full."
"What did he say?"
"He said that he would come home as long as you were sober. He's been going to family support meetings with Celia, and he knows a lot more than we would like about drugs and drinking, but it's good that he knows."
"Does he have questions for me?"
"Yes, so prepare yourself for that…but you should know that already right?"
"No. I haven't seen him in six months, B. Not since I was here last. He won't get on video calls, and our phone calls are short."
"Another thing for me to fix."
"No, B. Fixing things with him is on me. I fucked up. With Papi, I never forgave him until he apologized. Mami always tried to fix things, but nothing was fixed until he fixed it."
"That makes sense. What about the girls, where are they?"
"With Marco. He put up a fight when I tried to leave him in Lima, so he's here and staying in our penthouse."
Britt's eyes got huge.
"Is Sugar still sleeping in the room with you?"
"Yes she is, every single night she's there hogging the covers and asking me if I'm sure that I don't need her to scratch my itch."
"Still waiting for me, Ana?"
"Always."
"Good girl." She grinned, and I felt like a fucking rockstar for making her brighten up. "I hate that he's there but I also, am not super mad about it. Especially since he's never alone with them, right?"
"Nope. You're parents are here for Isaac's birthday. So they are at the apartment too."
"That's a relief."
By the time our visit was over, Britt was standing taller, and actually smiling.
It seemed like she'd been carrying all this worry, and I'd been able to ease it.
Before she walked away, she took my hand and kissed it. "I know you can't visit, but I need you to write me. There's a new warden now, and things are harder. It's not so peaceful anymore, so please send me pictures and tell me stuff. Please?"
"Say less, B. I'll even get the kids to write you. I'm sorry that I haven't to this point."
"No looking back. Only forward."
"Okay. I love you, B. I can't wait for Daddy to come home." I teased and she perked up again.
"Just keep making Daddy proud." She teased back.
It felt like this was what I was missing, our banter, and the ease at which we communicated.
Britt was my best friend even still, which made not being able to touch her whenever I wanted to, that much harder.
I'd be in town for three days, and I was going to make sure that B saw me each day.
I remember what being confined felt like, but rehab was freer than prison or the nut house.
We were already 2/3rds of the way through this thing, which mean the worst was behind us.
I just needed her to believe that I'd be waiting for her.
And the truth of the matter was that for Brittany, I would always wait.
I had gotten into town on a Saturday Morning, and would be catching a flight on Monday afternoon, all alone.
Susan was flying back with the girls on Sunday, but I had business in town that I needed to take care of.
When Gloria had gone back into the convent she hadn't gone back down south, she'd picked a parish right in the city.
Father Carter's parish, and I was on a mission to deliver something from Ari to Gloria.
Since she was still new, I could only see her on Monday, it was the only day she broke her vow of silence, to meet with people and pray with them.
So, I would be there bright and early on Monday, to kneel before her and pray.
Ari had loved Gloria with every fiber of her being and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with Gloria.
And she had.
Each day, they were never far from each other, and my dear friend had saved everything from their time together.
When her time was nearly up, she'd left it up to Marco to deliver her final wishes.
Only he hadn't.
At least not to Gloria, because he'd left the church, and he had no plan on going back into one.
So, he'd asked me to do it.
And because I was Ari's soulmate, or at least one of them, I felt like going to Gloria myself would be better.
She'd gotten me through the loss of my baby, and she'd commissioned the rosaries made from Angel's ashes.
When Marco told me that's what Ari's wish was, to be turned into a rosary for Gloria to pray with and touch every day, I could only laugh because it was perfect.
So freaking perfect.
But that would come after Sunday.
After seeing my sisters for the first time since I'd really turned my life back around.
I was ready to face them, especially with Ari's confirmation rosary in my pocket.
She'd prayed with it every day.
Carried it with her to chemotherapy, and Broadway.
She'd left it for me, and now I carried it whenever I needed a little extra courage.
Because NOBODY was braver than Ari.
Or as sentimental.
Which is why I'd also be paying Rachel Berry a visit.
Apparently, Rachel was the first girl that Ari slept with when she came to New York.
My friend was embarrassed by it when she realized that Rachel had also slept with Quinn and B and had made out with me.
They had a friendly rivalry going, and an easy friendship.
They'd gone to karaoke bars and sang together.
And when that shooting at NYU happened, Rachel had walked Ari to every class once campus reopened.
Which is why Ari had left her second Tony award to Rachel, and the first of course was sitting on my mantel in the penthouse, a gift to me and Brittany for making her dream come true.
I knew that having a Tony in her house would make Rachel happier than she'd been in an eternity, and I hoped it made her feel like she still deserved to be on stage.
Ari believed in her, because she'd shown that she had a heart when Ari needed it most.
It made me feel a touch of endearment for the hobbit, even if I still wanted to trip her down a flight of stairs.
The dinner was in Connecticut at Quinn and Celia's house, so that all of Isaac's friends could attend.
My son has never had more than one friend at a time but apparently now he had a gaggle of them.
And that's not the only change, when I got to the house with his sisters in tow, I stopped short.
He'd grown taller, his long curls were cut short, and his glasses were a muted blue instead of the bright red ones he'd been wearing since he was a toddler.
He was wearing a cardigan and khakis and was surrounded by other boys that looked just the same.
Preppy, and posed.
Like a bunch of little Fabray's.
I hated it so much.
But he was laughing and blending in…what more could I want.
"San?" I refocused on Quinn and tried to smile but it was no use. "Hey, don't embarrass him, let him hang out a bit. There will be time for hysterics later when the kids leave."
"Leave?"
"His friends, are only staying for an hour for cake and presents, then they are leaving so we can have dinner as a family."
"Yeah, okay."
I let Quinn pull me away from the party, and up the stairs to her bedroom.
Once we were alone, she threw her arms around me and held me tight.
"I missed you."
"Should we be alone after that night?"
"You were drunk and grieving, we both know you didn't mean that."
"Then why is my son with you?" I asked and waited for her to go stiff, but she didn't, instead she rubbed my back and kissed my cheek.
"Because he needed me. I promised you that I would always be their advocate, and confidant. Right now, he needed some stability. You and Britt have never been the picture of stability but I'm mundane and structured."
"Which is a good thing?"
"For a kid like him, it is. He's flourishing here, which is why you should consider coming to stay for good."
She stepped back and I realized that we weren't in her room.
We were in the empty wing of their mansion, the one that Quinn had begged me to move into with my family.
Four bedrooms just for us, but I had declined.
Now she was petitioning again.
"I already told you that I don't want to live here, Quinn."
"But you can do music here. There's so much to do here. Ceily made an art studio out in the guest house, and there's room in there for a studio for B…we have a piano. There's a music academy that Dani would thrive at."
"Quinn, I'm not doing that."
"But you're done in six months with the community service, and Britt will be home by then."
"And Daniela will have started a new school year and so will I. I have one year of school left. I've already been to three colleges, I want to finish my degree in Lima. I'm already there, and I'm killing it."
"He cried."
"What?"
"Izzy hasn't cried since the night he begged me to move in. When I took him to Britt and she told him that he was going back to Lima with her in six months, he cried for hours. He's happy here, San. Please don't take him back to Lima. We both know that there's nothing there for him."
"He's my son, Quinn. You of all people are asking me to give up my son. I can't do that. From the moment he looked at me that night with betrayal, I lost him. He won't hug me, and he'll barely talk to me. Ian would be so disappointed in me for hitting him. I can't give him to you."
"That's not what I'm asking. You can have this whole wing, San. Think about it, the trinity back together, raising our babies together. Starting and ending together, just like we always said. Please, just give it some thought. You're what six years sober now, think of all you've come through, now it's time to rest. To be boring, and mundane."
"Six months, actually."
Quinn stumbled back and looked me over, like I was snorting a line off her.
"You relapsed?"
"Yeah, right before I left New York, I was trying to die. Being without my son, and then Marco getting daily visitation, I just felt like I couldn't carry another weight."
"He what?!"
"Look, Q. You've been holding it down for me. I could never repay you, but you and I aren't as tight as we used to be. How could I live here?"
"Ledger's clear babe, you and I will always be good." She wiped my tears and smiled.
Then I was wiping hers as we both finally gave in and sat on the edge of the bed.
"He's thriving here, I can see it but I'm thriving in Lima, so is Daniela. She hasn't gotten in a single fight. I'm going to meetings every day, and our town looks beautiful. Even Lima Heights is a place you'd want to live. I'm doing good work there. I'd like to finish school and complete my work. So, maybe he stays another school year…and I'll talk to B about it. I'm not saying yes, okay, so wipe that stupid smirk off your face, I'm saying that I will think about it, but I am not making a single decision without Brittany ever again."
"Okay, I can live with that."
"I missed you, Q ball."
"I missed you too."
"Now that you've made me ugly cry, tell me you have good make-up so that I don't embarrass my kid."
"Say less, follow me."
TWO MONTHS LATER
"Are you sure he was on the plane?" Daniela asked for the millionth time while we waited at baggage claim.
I didn't respond, while I waited for Q.
She'd insisted that Isaac come stay with me for the summer, and he tried to resist until, with my permission, she was allowed to tell him that he could stay with her for another school year.
Now, she was bringing him, but the plane had arrived nearly thirty minutes before, and I was starting to get impatient but then I saw them.
ALL OF THEM.
Which is not what I was expecting.
Quinn had gotten all my sisters and their families to make the trip.
"Is that everyone?!" Daniela screeched and made a mad dash towards Norah.
Mine and Quincy's birthdays were just a few days away, and there was a commemoration ceremony for the town where I was getting an award that I didn't deserve, but I didn't want to make a fuss about it.
I was simply happy to be sober.
Isaac kept looking back, and then towards me with a grin.
A really, honest to God smile.
Then it was like the parting of the red sea when Saul stepped to the side, and there she was.
Brittany.
I ran past Daniela and straight into Britt's open arms.
"Good behavior, got out early." She mumbled, "Sorry that it took so long, my flight came after everyone else's."
"I don't care, I'm just glad you're here." I clung to her as she walked us out of the flow of traffic towards a wall.
"Me too, baby."
"You're home."
"I'm home."
"For good?"
"For good."