The Tragical Comedy of Rick and Romeo, Juliet and Kate

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle but I do owe a debt to Will Shakestail, the Bard of Vorlag, for this. Rating: K Time: Shortly after the last season of Castle.

Kate Beckett came to slowly. She opened her eyes and for a moment didn't know where she was.

I'm in the loft. She thought. I must have been unconscious for a long time in the hospital.

She turned her head ever so slightly and saw that the nightstand by the bed had a pitcher of water and a glass on it. She realized at once that she was desperately thirsty. She knew from her experiences when she had been shot at Roy Montgomery's funeral that any kind of movement would be agonizing. She thought about calling someone, but realized it was dark out. Rick and his family were doubtlessly asleep. Kate wasn't about to get her husband out of bed in the middle of the night over a lousy glass of water.

She took a deep breath and began to sit up. To her surprise, she felt no pain. The last time she'd been shot her scars had pulled terribly for months, causing her substantial pain. She reached for the glass and pitcher and found it was filled with ice water. She poured herself a glass and then another.

She wondered just how long she'd been unconscious. She saw she was wearing a loose sleep shirt and panties. She turned the light on to see better and lifted the sleep shirt up and got a shock. Her scars were gone. Not just the scars from her first shooting and the surgical scars, but those inflicted by that bastard, Caleb Brown. All were gone. She ran her fingers over her upper body but could feel no trace of any scars.

"That's impossible." She said.

She heard some movement and then someone came into her room.

"Ah. I see my patient is awake." The woman said with a smile.

Kate may have been her patient, but Kate had no idea who, or what, this woman was. She looked human, but she had deep blue skin with some sort of golden freckles and silver hair.

Perhaps she's some sort of a cosplayer? She thought.

"You're…who?" Kate asked.

"Exactly. "The woman replied.

"You're…exactly?"

"Who."

"You're who?"

"Who."

"You?"

"Who."

"Yoo Hoo?" Kate said.

"Who."

"That's what I asked. Who are you?"

"Who."

"Never mind. Where did you come from?"

"When."

"Now, of course."

"When."

"Okay, when are you from?"

"What?"

She heard another person coming into her room, and things began to make a bit more sense.

"Curly? Is that you?"

"Yes, Mrs. Castle. It's me. How are you?"

Curly was a Vorlag. A very large, wolf-like extraterrestrial teenager. He had adapted well to Earth styles and wore running shoes, board shorts, a tee shirt with the Rolling Stones logo and a backwards baseball cap.

"I appear to be fine. This is my doctor. Who is she?"

"Who."

"My doctor. The blue woman standing there." Kate said a bit more loudly than she'd intended.

"She's Who. Her name is Who. Doctor Who."

"Doctor Who? If she arrived in a big blue police box…Forget it. Where is she from?"

"When."

"Can't I get a straight answer from anyone?"

"Her planet is called When." Curly explained.

"Odd." Kate shook her head.

"You know my brother?" Dr. Who said.

"Your brother's name is odd?"

"Yes."

"Of course, it is." Kate muttered.

She heard footsteps running towards the bedroom and in seconds, Rick came running in. He stopped beside her bed, leaned over to hug her, but then backed off.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine. I don't understand it, but I'm fine. I feel great."

Rick turned to Dr. Who.

"Can I hug her?"

"Of course."

He sat on the bed, took her in his arms and hugged her.

"I was terrified you weren't going to make it." He whispered in her ear.

"How are you?' She asked. "You were shot, too."

"I'm fine. Dr. Who took care of me, just like she did with you."

"How did we end up with a blue doctor?"

That question was answered when the next person entered the room. He was dressed in purple and lime green pajama bottoms, a day glo orange top under a psychedelic paisley print robe.

"Ah, Dona Katherine. I'm so happy to see you're well."

That was Don Vorleone, the Vorlagfather. He was another wolf-like alien who sold Earth made ice cream in the far reaches of the galaxy, often without paying taxes that he felt were unfair and extortionate. He was a businessvorlag to his very bones.

He was followed into the bedroom by his three…Um, public relations specialists. They were Buggsy, Muggsy and Puggsy. Oddly, they wore pajamas that duplicated their normal business attire. That is, pin striped, blue suits, black shirts, white ties, but without either the fedora or the suspicious bulge under their left armpits.

"Glad to see youse is in da pink, Miz Castle." Buggsy said.

"Everyt'ing copacetic?" Asked Muggsy.

"Youse looks great." Added Puggsy.

"I'm fine, but what happened."

"Luckily, I was at my base on your Moon when I heard of the shooting of you and Rick. I sent Da Boyz off to fetch Dr. Who. She knows all about treating humanoids."

"Can I stay with Kate tonight. In the bed, I mean?" Rick asked.

"Of course. She's perfectly fine." Said Dr. Who." I not only cured the wounds she suffered from your planet's crude weapons, but I cleaned out her veins and arteries, removed all manner of particulates from her lungs, and re-zeroed her liver. And a few other things. I did the same to Mr. Castle, Mrs. Rodgers and Miss Castle. You humans should really do something about all the junk in your atmosphere. And I'd suggest you stop eating those… what are they called?"

"Pizzas wid everyt'ing on 'em." Said Buggsy, smiling.

"Cheeseburgers." Added Muggsy, licking his lips.

"Tacos an' burritos." Puggsy said, with a far off look in his eyes.

"Yes, all of those things." Dr. Who said. "And I'm not just saying to avoid meat because I'm a plant."

"You're a what?" Kate asked.

"A plant."

"Dona Who is a Delvian." Don Vorleone explained. "She's an intelligent plant. I hope you don't have any unreasonable prejudices against intelligent plants."

Kate shook her head.

"I have never in my life had any problems with intelligent plants."

"If you don't mind, Kate and I would like to get back to sleep."

"Certainly, Don Richard." Don Vorleone shooed everyone out of the bedroom.

Rick turned out the light and snuggled next to Kate.

"Is that a pistol in your pajamas, or are you happy to see me?" Kate whispered in his ear.

He then proved he had no pistol in his pajamas.

When Kate woke up the next morning, she was more than ready for breakfast. Dr. Who had managed to feed her somehow while she was unconscious, but she wanted some real food she could taste.

She and Rick went into the kitchen and looked around. As they did, five gigantic appetites, otherwise known as Vorlags, came down the stairs.

"Babe, I don't think we have enough food for five Vorlags, let alone the rest of us."

"Don't worry about it, Mrs. Castle." Said young Curly. "I put together a replicator. I can make us all the food we want."

"A replicator?"

"Sure. Just like on that famous Earth ship, the USS Enterprise."

"Curly, I don't think…" She was stopped in mid-sentence when Rick kissed her.

"Beckett, Curly doesn't realize that things like replicators are just movie magic and not real." He whispered softly. "He figures since he sees them work, there must be some way to get them to work for real. He's a really smart kid, and, let's face it, a replicator will come in handy."

"Like real light sabers, X wing fighters and transporters?"

Before either could say anything else, the two redheads came running down the stairs and hugged Kate.

"Katherine!" Cried Martha. "We were so worried about you. That horrible man shot you and Richard, and you were laying there…" Martha began to cry. "It was just so horrible. You're lucky I dropped by when I did."

"Caleb Brown is dead, isn't he?"

"You got him." Rick said.

"I just hope he died slowly."

"And it's lucky that Don Vorleone was in the area and could get Dr. Who for you." Alexis said. "Well, not exactly lucky."

"Not exactly lucky?" Kate asked, becoming suspicious.

"I was hoping you'd do me a small favor, Dona Katherine."

"How big a small favor?"

"As you know, I sell imported Earth ice cream on the far side of the galaxy. My company is Vorleone Ice Cream Enterprises, or VICE for short. VICE is a wholly owned subsidiary of VorleoneCo, a Bahamian Company, with offices in all of the major financial centers, the Cayman Islands, the United Arab Emirates, Zurich and Londongrad, as they call it."

"This sounds less and less like a small favor." Kate interrupted.

"I've made an arrangement with Miss Molly's Gourmet Ice Cream to produce her ice cream in my facility on your Moon. From there it's shipped back to my home world, Vorlag for dispatch to all of my many customers, using state of the art fast ships."

"The better to outrun anyone who wants to tax your ice cream?" Kate said with a smile.

"Da Boss is a great hooman-itarian." Buggsy said. "He hates da t'ought o' peeps on da far side o' da galaxy havin' to do widdout ice cream, or bein' stuck wid our competitors lousy ice cream."

"It's so difficult for an honest businessvolrag such as myself to make the tiny profit that I allow myself with so many governments and their unconscionable regulations." Don Vorleone wiped a tear from his eye.

"What's the favor?"

"My operation on Vorlag is based in the small Kingdom of Ruritania. There's a minor problem there."

"So minor you can't handle it yourself?"

"Regrettably no. I fear that King Rudolph V has passed on and the throne of Ruritania will pass to his eldest child, his daughter Princess Flavia. However, she must be coronated within ninety days of King Rudolph's death or the throne passes to the next eldest child, a son. He's an unpleasant oaf named Prince Tomde Mming."

"So?"

"I fear princess Flavia has disappeared. We suspect foul play."

"You want me to investigate the disappearance."

"No, I want you to take Princess Flavia's place and be crowned Queen of Ruritania if necessary."

Kate shook her head.

"Don Vorleone, I could hardly pass for a Vorlag. It would never work."

"Oh, Princess Flavia and the rest of the Ruritanians are Sebaceans. They're a branch of the human race that was taken away by a group of intergalactic do-gooders many, many thousands of years ago and used to create a group to keep the peace, hence they were called Peacekeepers." Don Vorleone sniffed. "I fear that they have strayed far from their original purpose. However, you'll have no trouble appearing to be a local. Buggsy show her the picture."

Buggsy tapped a small machine and a picture of Princess Flavia appeared in the air. She did look exactly like Kate except for two things.

"Don Vorleone, she has blonde hair and green eyes. I suppose I could get a dye job and contact lenses…"

"Give her the ring, Buggsy." The Vorlagfather said.

Buggsy put a ring on Kate's right hand.

Martha held out a small mirror for Kate to see herself. She now had blonde hair and green eyes.

"That's all well and good, but I'm a police officer. I have work to do."

"Not really." Rick said. "You were so badly wounded that you've been put on six months medical leave to recover. No one expected Dr. Who to show up and cure you so soon. I've told everyone I'm taking you someplace far away to recover."

Kate saw what this was all about.

"You really want to go too, don't you?"

"It'll be so cool. I just love interplanetary travel. Please say yes."

"I'll be going with you." Martha said.

"And so will I." Alexis added.

TBC