The Tragical Comedy of Rick and Romeo, Juliet and Kate
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, but I do owe a debt to Will Shakestail, the Bard of Vorlag, for this. Rating: K Time: Shortly after the last season of Castle.
Rex looked puzzled.
"A method actor?"
"If you want to understand Romeo, you can't be Rex Vorlag playing Romeo Montague, you must become Romeo Montague. At some time in your life you must have been conflicted about something, just like Romeo is in the play."
Rex thought.
"There was this one time…" He trailed off.
"Go ahead." Martha said enthusiastically.
"I was having lunch in this little place and there was this beautiful female sitting next to me."
"And you were attracted to her?" Martha asked.
"No. She was eating one of Don Vorleone's Extra Special Reserve ice creams. It was chocolate and orange flavored, with real orange pieces in it. I was just a poor starving actor, and I couldn't even afford the horrible ice cream from the Hynerian Empire. I wanted that ice cream so badly."
"But you couldn't take it from her."
"Actually, I did. I used my tail to trip a waitress who was carrying a whole bunch of dirty dishes from a big party. The female turned when the dishes hit the floor and I grabbed and gobbled down the ice cream. Then I tossed the empty bowl on the floor hoping she'd think it'd been knocked off somehow."
"What happened?"
"She broke two of my fingers." Rex said sadly.
Martha sighed.
"I suppose actors are the same everywhere." She said under her breath. Then she smiled at Rex." Perhaps not the way Romeo would have gone about things, but it gives you something to work with."
"This is Lolita Vorlag, our Juliet." Master Will said.
Martha turned to find herself facing three pairs of very large, very furry breasts.
"How do you do, Lolita?' Martha said.
"How do I do what?" She answered, obviously confused.
"How are you?"
"I'm just fine, Dona Marka, and I know I'm going to be the best Julia ever."
"My name is Martha and the character you play is called Juliet."
"Whatever. You're the director, after all."
"I assume you're not a method actor either?"
"A what?"
"Don't worry, dear. We'll manage somehow."
Martha was introduced to the rest of the cast. They seemed to be… adequate. When she had met them all, Martha talked to Master Will.
"Um, do you know Lolita at all?"
"Oh, yes. She's my, um, niece."
"Your um, niece. Some things are the same all over."
Martha was happy to find that Vorlags had very good memories, so each actor had memorized every line of the play. However, they lacked a certain fire. Martha was just the director to light that fire.
She did find that Rex spent a lot of time examining himself in the mirror and Lolita was constantly asking wardrobe to make her costume tops more revealing.
"Master Will, Juliet is supposed to be a young aristocratic woman from Renaissance Italy. I'm not sure Lolita's costume, or lack of same, is appropriate."
"Dona Martha, have you seen the way thirteen-year-old Vorlag girls dress? Lolita is perfect."
Martha could think of no good reply, but suddenly saw a familiar face entering the theater.
"Curly, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, hi, Dona Martha. Master Will has hired my band to do background music for the plays."
"An excellent idea. In the Elizabethan era they often had some music to accompany the plays. What's your band called?"
"The Screaming Vorlags, and I have good news for Master Will. I've finally managed to build an amplifier that goes to twelve."
"Twelve? What kind of music do you play?"
"Sixties rock, mostly."
"I'm not sure that's exactly what we want here."
"Oh, you'll love it, I'm sure. "
And with that, the young Vorlag ran off.
Meanwhile, Princess Flavia, as she now was, Rick and the other Vorlags were approached by a dozen Sebacean cavalrymen mounted on what appeared to be unicorns. The troopers wore bright scarlet coats, dark blue pants with a gold stripe down the leg and tall shakos. Their only weapons seemed to swords. Behind them was a very ornate carriage pulled by six dazzlingly white unicorns.
Two of the cavalrymen threw themselves off their mounts and knelt before Princess Flavia.
"Your Highness. We've been searching all over for you. Thank the gods you're safe."
Princess Flavia had been well briefed.
"Thank you, Colonel Sapt, Captain von Tarlenheim. I fear I got somewhat lost while out riding. This gentleman, Mister Castle, and his friends found me and got me back here. I've invited them to stay at the castle with me."
"Of course." Said Colonel Sapt who knew who Kate really was, as did Captain von Tarlenheim.
"We have your royal carriage to take you back to the palace." The captain said. "Mr. Castle can go with you…" He stopped and examined the large group of very large Vorlags. "But I'm not sure we can fit your other…companions in."
"I'm sure Buggsy, Muggsy and Puggsy can fit in the carriage and the rest of my new friends can walk beside the carriage."
Getting three Vorlags into the carriage was not as easy as Princess Flavia had thought, but they managed it. However, all three had their heads out the window. Rick thought about making an observation but decided against it.
As they moved through town, it became obvious that Flavia was very popular.
"Look!" Cried a man. "It's Princess Flavia, may the gods bless her."
Men and women began to cheer her, and Princess Flavia waved and smiled at the crowd, which excited them more.
Some people ran along side of the carriage, cheering and several ran along holding up their young children so that they too could see Princess Flavia.
She noticed that in addition to the human-like Sebaceans, the Vorlags in the crowd also cheered, as did some other races that she only recognized from her briefing. She did notice one thing that made her wary.
"There are men wearing green armbands who are definitely not cheering, Colonel Sapt. Who are they?"
"Partisans of Prince Mminng. Thugs, criminals, ne'er do wells and troublemakers of all stripes. They don't call your half-brother Mming the Merciless for nothing. He's been caught in all manner of criminal acts, but your dear father couldn't bring himself to punish his only son, so he always got away with it. And that just made him do more evil things. He's terrified that if you ascend to the throne, he'll be prosecuted. Which he will be."
They arrived at the palace, which looked like something Disney would have created if he'd really wanted a great palace. The walls, towers, ramparts and all other vertical surfaces were a blinding white which her briefing told her were made from costly marble while all other surfaces were in a riot of pastel shades.
"Nice digs, Princess." Rick whispered in her ear.
"It's home." She replied with a wink.
The cavalry escort trotted off to the stables, while Colonel Sapt and Captain von Tarlenheim walked Flavia and her friends inside.
"Colonel Sapt." Flavia whispered. "I notice the guards only carry swords. Given what's happened, shouldn't they be better armed?"
Sapt colored.
"Your Highness, King Rudolph disliked violence. He had the guards disarmed years ago. The swords are from a local prop house and have no edge. Perfectly safe."
"What's the point of having guards if their weapons are perfectly safe."
"King Rudolph…" Sapt began.
"Is no longer king." Flavia snapped. "I want to see…" She stopped as they approached a guard post. There were two unarmed soldiers standing there. She could clearly see two rifles leaning against the wall behind them. She strode over to the guards.
"Why aren't you carrying your weapons?' She demanded.
"I beg your pardon? Why would we do that?"
"In case there's trouble. That's what guards are for."
"Not me. I'm a tenor." Said one guard.
"Nor me. I play the electric flugelhorn." Said the second.
"What?" Flavia said.
Sapt interrupted.
"The Royal Guards were not hired for their ability to fight. They have a wonderful concert orchestra, a divine choir, their dance troop is world renowned and their…"
"Useless in a fight." Flavia said sharply.
"Perhaps." Sapt admitted with von Tarlenheim nodding behind him.
"Besides, "Said one guard, "if there was any trouble, I'm sure Prince Mming's troops could handle it."
"Prince Mming's troops?" Flavia turned to Sapt. "If I remember the laws of Ruritania correctly, and I'm sure that I do, the only lawful military force is the Royal Guard. How is it that Prince Mming has troops?"
"Your Highness, I will agree that they do get a bit out of hand, now and again, but King Rudolph was unwilling to upset Prince Mming by disbanding them."
"Where are they?" F;avia demanded.
"They've taken over the old ballroom as their barracks. The one by…"
"I know where it is."
Flavia looked back at Castle, Da Boyz and the Derby Hat Mob who had followed her.
"Shall we go?"
"You bet." Said Buggsy.
They walked over to the old ballroom and found an armed guard on duty at the door.
"Sorry, Sweetie, you're not allowed in here."
Flavia smiled sweetly at him.
"Oh, I'm not going inside. You're going outside. Outside of the palace and you're leaving your weapons behind."
The guard laughed.
"Who says?"
"I do. Princess Flavia."
"Get lost, Sweetie, before I spank that cute little butt of yours."
Flavia smiled and lifted her ankle length skirt up over her knees.
"Great legs." The guard said. "Maybe I won't…"
Flavia kicked him in the balls. Before he could react, Buggsy Picked him up off the ground and pushed a pistol into his mouth.
"Din't youse hear da princess? Now drop youse weapon, den go in an' tell da udder jamokes to move or be moved."
The man dropped his weapon and ran inside. He was back in a few minutes with the head of Prince Mming's troops.
"Now see here, Princess Flavia, King Rudolph himself…"
That was as far as he got before Flavia punched him in the nose.
"Rudolph is no longer king. Now get."
"You hit me!" he screamed.
Buggsy smiled.
"No, dat wuz jist a little tap. Do youse want to see what a real punch looks like?" he balled his massive fist and smiled, showing his fangs.
"We'll go but Prince Mming won't like this."
However, they all left. Unarmed.
"We'll jist look around da palace an' make sure dem clowns is gone fer sure." Buggsy said. He and Muggsy and Puggsy took off, leaving the Derby Hat Mob to protect Flavia.
"Do we have any Guards that might be useful in a fight?" Flavia asked Colonel Sapt.
"There is the pistol club. The rest of the Guards have always thought them to be a little… odd."
"Sounds just like who we need. Where are they?"
The pistol club numbered eleven Guards. The club itself was a rather run-down former warehouse, and the members were all there.
"You're the pistol club?" Flavia demanded.
"Yes, Your Highness. I'm Lieutenant Rold, head of the club. How may we serve you?"
"I've just kicked out Prince Mming's so called guards and I'm afraid there may be trouble from him. I have a few people I can depend on…" Flavia gestured to the Vorlags who immediately began smacking their fists into their palms, displaying their muscles and showing an assortment of weapons…"but I can always use more."
Lieutenant Rold smiled.
"We'd be very happy to help, Your Highness."
"What kind of pistols do you have?"
"They're standard issue Peacekeeper pulse pistols. We have several apiece."
Flavia went over her briefing in her mind. Pulse pistols shot a bolt, or pulse, of plasma made from a compound called chakan oil.
"Are you any good? I'd like to see you shoot."
"Sure, the firing range is in back, Your Highness."
TBC
