The Tragical Comedy of Rick and Romeo, Juliet and Kate

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle but I do owe a debt to Will Shakestail, the Bard of Vorlag, for this. Rating: K Time: Shortly after the last season of Castle.

Luckily for our heroes, Mming had never read the splendid monograph, Things I'll Do If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord. An evil overlord should always shoot the hero before he asks for one last thing.

"No, I'd like to play the song I've been learning on my harmonica. It's very difficult and no one but Vorlags have hearing sensitive enough to comprehend all of it."

"Nonsense. I have extraordinarily good hearing. I'll pick up every note you play."

"With all due respect, Prince Mming, that's not possible."

"Ha! Play your silly song, then."

Curly took out his electric harmonica, turned the amp up to thirteen and played.

The lights blew up as did many of the guards' weapons. They could see Mming and the guards screaming, although they couldn't hear a thing over the music. Rick definitely felt the paving in the courtyard begin to buckle and parts of the castle walls began to collapse.

Curly was standing in front of his friends, so they didn't get the full effect, but everyone, excepting Curly, put their hands over their ears and screamed

They were almost deaf when Curly stopped. They looked around and saw that Mming and his guards had disappeared.

"Where'd they go?" Flavia asked, being the first to recover.

"They just sort of melted away." Curly said.

"What exactly dd you play?" Rick said loudly.

"Sympathy for the Devil, by the Stones. It seemed appropriate."

"Okay," Buggsy said, "let's grab Flavia and blow dis pop stand."

That, however, was easier said than done.

"You what?" Said Kate to the real Flavia.

"I don't want to be the queen. Let Prince Mming have the job if he wants it that badly."

"Prince Mming is no longer available for the job." Kate said.

"Who cares. Get someone else. Uncle Fedor for instance. He'd do the job."

"Duke Fedor has trouble drooling without help these days." Smoke said. "He's really not up to it."

"Too bad." Flavia said.

Suddenly a man came into Flavia's room. He was disheveled with torn clothing and needed a shave.

"Flavia, my love!" He said. He ran towards Flavia but was stopped in his tracks by Buggsy.

"Just a mo, bud. Who are you?"

"He's the love of my life, Ricky Vaughn." Flavia cried.

"Ricky Vaughn?" Castle said. Castle thought he didn't look a thing like Charlie Sheen.

"Eric Vaughn, actually, but Flavia calls me Ricky. I'm just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told."

"Have you squandered your resistance for a pocket full of mumbles?" Curly asked.

Vaughn shrugged.

"All lies and jests, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest." Curly said.

"What?" Ricky asked.

"Never mind that." Kate said. "Why don't you want to be queen?"

"I can never be with Ricky because he's a commoner. Besides, being a queen is yucky. They have these stupid balls with awful music and horrible state dinners with speeches that go on forever and say nothing. That's not for me."

"Flavia, once you're the queen, you can change all that." Curly said." So, Ricky's a commoner now, so what? As soon as your queen, make him a noble."

"He could be the Duke of Earl." Castle said, unhelpfully, in Kate's opinion.

"Earl Grey." Suggested Curly. "And as far as entertainment goes, I'm the frontvorlag for the Screaming Vorlags. I know the ballroom in the palace has great acoustics. We could play there as often as you like."

"You're that Curly?" Flavia said. "I used to have your posters in my room until evil old Lady Meredith made me take them down."

"Which posters did you have?"

"The one of you smashing your electric tuba on the amp and the one where you spilled your beer in the amp and got electrocuted."

Curly got a faraway look in his eyes.

"Those were the days."

"In addition, Youse Highness," put in Buggsy, "I yam sure dat Don Vorleone will provide youse wid all da ice cream youse needs fer youses parties. An' our good buddy Don Cheech can provide a bunch o' stuff. Has youse ever had a pizza wid every'ting on it? Youse'll love it."

"I can do all that if I'm queen?" Flavia said, getting excited.

"Who's going to stop you?" Said Kate.

"I'll do it." Said Flavia.

They snuck hack into the palace and put Flavia back into her room. Kate took off the ring that had changed her appearance and was given another by Buggsy. Now, she was a raven-haired beauty.

The opening of Romeo and Juliet at the Globe Theater was the social even of the year. Queen Flavia, as she now was, sat in the royal box with her consort, Prince Eric. Not many people wondered why Prince Mming had suddenly disappeared, and no one went to look for him.

Rick and Kate joined Martha and Don Vorleone with Master Will Shakestail in the box just to the side of the royal box.

Martha was a bit worried as Rex seemed determined to look at the mirror at every opportunity, and Lolita had had to be stopped from performing Juliet topless. But she was sure all would be right on opening night.

"The place is packed." Rick whispered to Kate. "And the groundlings seem to be getting into the spirit of things."

"Oh, how?"

"Just like in Elizabethan times, they're getting drunk."

"Should we tell Martha?"

"Let's not disturb her. She looks pretty happy."

The play began with the chorus's opening lines…

"Two households, both alike in dignity,

"In fair Verona where we lay our scene,

"From ancient grudge to new mutiny,

"Where Civil blood makes civil hands unclean,

"From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,

"A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life."

Everything seemed to go well until Mercutio and Tybalt dueled. Mercutio was stabbed and said, "Tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but tis enough, twill serve."

And from there, things went right off the rails.

Tybalt laughed.

"Dost thou know what is so deep as a well and as wide as a church door, oh dunce of a dozen villages? My mouth."

Tybalt grabbed a large flagon of beer from another actor and chugged it.

Mercutio, although wounded, smiled.

"You call that puny orifice a mouth, thou thing of no bowels."

Mercutio grabbed a flagon and poured the beer down his throat, not bothering to swallow.

All at once the Montagues and the Capulets were having a drinking contest. Someone even brought out some red plastic cups. While most drank, some juggled foot long sandwiches and dropped them one by one into their mouths.

Martha was aghast. No Shakespeare play had ever degenerated into anything like this.

Then the Screaming Vorlags began to play, luckily with the amps set well below thirteen.

"Wild thing,

"You make my heart sing,

"You make everything groovy,

"Wild thing."

"Oh my God!" Martha screamed. "They're all starting to fight."

Indeed, it did look like the actors and the audience were fighting.

"No, no, Dona Martha." Don Vorleone said. "They're dancing. They're doing the funky Vorlag, except for our Juliet. It appears she's doing a strip tease."

Lolita was indeed stripping to the cheers of all the male Vorlags in attendance.

The theater descended into chaos and Martha left, accompanied by Don Vorleone, Rick, Kate, and Alexis.

Once back at her suite in the Vorleone Ritz, Martha sat down heavily.

"And to think this will be my theatrical legacy at this end of the galaxy. At least no one on Earth will ever hear about this."

"Mother, none of us will ever tell and I'm sure none of the Vorlags will say anything back on Earth, will they, Don Vorleone."

To be sure, Kate fixed the furry Vorlagfather with her sternest glare, which didn't seem to have much of an effect on him.

"Shall we see what the reviews say?" The Don said. "The first reviews are coming in now on my vPad." He looked at them and smiled. "Here's Bosley Vorlag of the Times of Vorlag, and I quote," A smash! Five stars, no, six. A perfect example of the mixture of human and Vorlag cultures."

Martha got up and looked over the Vorlagfather's shoulder. Rick, Kate and Alexis followed her.

"Ah! Here's Pauline Vorlag of the New Vorlag magazine. "A magnificent tour de force. Never has the writer been so swept away with such a powerful and dramatic play. Majestic."

They went through all of the reviews and each and every one of them was glowing, to say the least.

"I do think you should start on the next play, Dona Martha." Said the furry impresario.

"You know, Grams, maybe we could use a ghost made from spare parts in Hamlet."

Martha looked at her granddaughter.

"I do believe you do have the theater in your blood, Alexis."

Months later they were dropped off on the roof of the loft by Da Boyz. As they walked down to their front door, they talked about the plays.

"The Frankenstein and Hamlet mashup was fantastic, and I never thought that Henry V could be done as a battle between two rock bands. "Rick said.

"And I was really proud of how Lolita kept her clothes on as Katherina in the Taming of the Shrew." Kate said.

"That's because I made sure she was wired into her costume." Martha replied. "She'd have needed bolt cutters to strip."

They opened the door and found they had company.

He lumbered to his feet and doffed his fedora.

"Evening, Gorgeous. I hope you remember me? Sam Spade Vorlag's the name and private eye is my game. We need to talk."

The End

Author's note: Next up is Archeology and Espionage. Special Forces Colonel Rick Rodgers and his wife archeologist Kate Beckett find their two careers blending again.