Tomatoes: Fruit or Vegetable?

I summoned Fleur, Tonks, Zari, Astra, and Kara to meet myself and Gideon regarding what I just learned. I filled them in on the matter.

"So, Neville's mother is a clone?" Tonks asked.

"Does she know she's a clone?" Zari asked.

"That's a good question," I said.

"And where is the real Alice Longbottom?" Fleur asked.

"That's an even better question," I said. "These are all good questions. I really wish I had the answers for them. However, I don't know them. I don't know how I'm going to break this to Neville."

"Very gently and tactfully," Astra said.

I smiled. That would do it. Although, telling Neville that the woman he thought was his mother was a clone, and she might be part of a secret shadow organization was a bit too much. Providing Junior was not just pulling my leg. That's always possible.

Nothing about this situation makes any sense.

"Well that's a lot to unpack," Kara said. The real question is, do you have the slightest idea what the Green Flame Torch is?"

"It's an ancient magical artifact from the time of Merlin, crafted by Morgana," I said. "At least according to the lore I read about it."

"In powerful hands it can heal or it can hurt," Gideon said. "And in dangerous hands, it could reshape the world into something catastrophic. Even Morgana loathed using it, because the Green Flame Torch was too powerful for her to control."

"One of history's most notorious dark witches didn't want to use this thing," Astra said. "That's reassuring."

"I've never even heard of it, though," Tonks said.

"I've heard it in passing," Fleur said. "Perenelle Flamel was believed to seek it out in the late sixteenth century. Although she never found it."

I'm going to have to get in touch with Elle and see what she could tell me. If anything at all.

"The Cloaks must be after it," I said. "Alice wanted Neville to know. Why?"

"I'm wondering if she's become the mask," Zari said. "It's strange to think about but maybe she has."

"Or maybe it's a trap," Tonks said. "Oh, and Umbridge came into the Ministry smelling of rotten tomatoes and screaming for your head. She might try something against you."

"Good," I said. "I could use the entertainment."

Dolores Umbridge attempting to outmaneuver me would be interesting. I had thought about the Green Flame Torch and all of the things I could use.

"The Torch also can be used to open a portal to any realm," Fleur said. "Or so the legends say."

Astra and I locked eyes. We were thinking about the same thing. The realm where one Lily Evans-Potter had been sent to, with Princess Isabelle and her elven friends.

"We can bring Mum home," I said. "If I had the Green Flame Torch."

"If the legends are true," Fleur reminded me. "I will see what I can find at Beauxbatons, and if I do find anything, I will tell you immediately."

"Portal watch," I said, slapping it in Fleur's hand. "Don't leave home without it."

"Perfect," Fleur said. "Won't dare to."

She lightly pressed her mouth upon mine and we shared a brief kiss. Well as passionately as Fleur was allowed to.

"We also have this rogue mad squib scientist out there in the wind," Kara reminded us.

"And he still has a very powerful serum," Zari said. "It just made those monsters come to life."

"And an actually useful version of Lockhart," I said.

"He's already hunted down eight vampires and twelve werewolves," Tonks said. "He brought in the head of Fenrir Greyback just this morning."

"Seriously?" I asked. "Book-Lockhart did that?"

Man, I'm sure we missed an epic battle from me not being there. Still, fuck Greyback, glad he's dead. He ruined the lives of many, including children.

"Umbridge hates him and wants him hunted down," Tonks said.

"I like him already," Zari said. "Never thought I'd say that about Gilderoy Lockhart."

"So, the fraud created something useful after all," Astra said.

"Book Lockhart kind was what they call a Gary Stu," Gideon added. "But, if he hunted down a monster like Greyback, he's alright in my book."

"Mine too," Kara said.

"It's fun to see the real Lockhart sulk in the corner, when the entire Auror Department wants autographs from the book-Lockhart," Tonks said with a grin.

"He's hanging around the Ministry?" I asked.

"Dolores Umbridge wants him close by," Tonks said with a shrug.

"What, does Umbridge keep flesh Lockhart in her pink sex dungeon?" Astra asked.

Everyone pulled a face.

"Yeah, not sleeping for a week after that thought," Zari said. "Umbridge doing some reverse-gendered Fifty Shades of Gray with Lockhart is not something I need to think about."

"Which is why you just built on what Astra just said," Kara said.

"That's probably a fan fiction somewhere," Gideon said.

"I'm so glad Google doesn't exist yet," Zari said.

"But, what if Google never existed thanks to Harry's time meddling?" Kara asked.

"Then the Google-Disney merger of 2032 never happens?" Zari asked.

We all shuddered at the thought of that awful and unholy alliance. It was all Elon Musk's fault. Just like when he almost bankrupted Mr. Burns.

"I forgot how much you all got on tangents," Fleur said. "We have to find Amadeus, the real Alice and the Green Flame Torch."

"And use the Green Flame Torch to open a portal to the other realm," Astra added.

Astra and I locked hands and nodded. And Kara grabbed my other hand. We knew what we needed to do.

"Should take up about the next year of my life, at least," I said.

That's what we call foreshadowing, boys and girls.

"If you find anything, call us," I told Fleur. "And we'll do the same."

"Of course," Fleur said with a soft smile.

X-X-X

The platform for the Hogwarts Express had been less crowded than in past years. Andromeda, Kara, Astra, and I arrived, just in time to meet up with Penny Clearwater and her mother, Annie.

"Ready for NEWT prep year?" I asked her.

"Ready as I'm going to be," Penny said. "Straight Outstanding OWLs. Ten of them."

"I knew you could do it," I told her.

"Of course she could," Annie said. "I'm so proud of my daughter. And all of the hard work she's put in."

"Our favorite prefect is a credit to our house," Padma said as she showed up.

"Oooh, you're making me blush," Penny said.

Su, Tracey, and Daphne all turned up. And Cho arrived just a few seconds later. I locked eyes with the third-year Ravenclaw seeker

"Later," Cho said.

Fair enough. We all entered the train and prepared to find a compartment.

"Eddie transferred into the Ministry school," Cho said. "He said there were more marks there."

Well, I wished Eddie Carmichael the best in his future endeavors. He did have a point. If he actually wanted to make money from his cons, then he would go to the Ministry's school. The people who willingly went there would be the gullible type.

Plus, I heard Crabbe and Goyle had been transferred. Which is surprising, because I cannot see Crabbe and Goyle existing in the wild without a Malfoy telling them what to do.

We slipped into the compartment and I took out a book.

"The Green Flame Torch?" Su asked in surprise.

"I thought that was only a myth," Padma said.

"So are most things in magic in the Muggle world," Su reminded them. "It could help or heal. Or destroy everything in its path."

"Or open up a portal to a different realm," Astra said.

"Mmm," Daphne said. "Not all realms are worth exploring though. Although if it exists, it hasn't been seen since the days of Merlin."

"Well, according to this book, Grindelwald had his sights on it in the 1930s," I read to them. "Although, he gave up when Europe descended into war. Or maybe he hit a dead end."

"Wizards have been trying to find the Torch for years," Penny added. "Is there a reason why you want to find it?"

"Longbottoms parents?" Tracey asked. "That's what you're after it for? You think it could cure them?"

"What can cure my parents?"

Well, Neville appeared in the doorway and looked at me with a quizzical eye.

"I need to talk to you in private," I told him.

Neville paused for a second and nodded in response. We made our way down the Hogwarts Express. There had been about 40 percent less students, so there were plenty of areas to go and be private.

"There's a chance we can cure your father," I said. "If we get a rare chemical which occurs deep underneath the Earth."

"There's a problem, isn't there?" Neville asked.

"Well, the chemical manifests in pits by an ancient cabal of assassins, which I would rather not deal with," I said. "Your mother's message pointed out another potential avenue. The Green Flame Torch."

"Morgana's greatest treasure?" Neville asked. "But…that's been lost for centuries."

So he did know about it. Good for him. I would have to explain less about it.

"It has," I agreed. "But, I do the impossible."

Neville sighed and nodded. I think that he understood that if anyone can pull off this miracle, it would be me.

"Countless generations of witches and wizards have searched for it," Neville said. "Even Gran was looking into it a couple of years ago."

"Oh, for your parents?"

"No, when my family thought I was a squib," Neville said.

Oh, yes, I almost forgot about the Longbottoms and their habit of dropping children out of windows to force magic. And pushing them off of the edge of a pier. I crinkled my nose at the thought.

"She thought that it would spark your magic," I said. "I'm not sure how powerful this thing is. Or what it's limits are?"

Or even if it exists. But, I had to look for it and find out.

"That was your mother's message through the gum wrappers," I told Neville. "The one who holds the Green Flame Torch can control the fate of magic."

A second passed with Neville swallowing.

"I grew up thinking about what it would be like to be Harry Potter," Neville said. "The more I know about you, the least I want that."

"Fair enough," I agreed. "But, there's the matter of your mother…"

"What's wrong with my mother?" Neville asked. "She always seems more lucid."

"Here's the report on her."

I handed Neville the paper. Neville eyed in surprise.

"Where is she?" Neville asked.

"If I knew, this wouldn't be a problem," I said.

"How could my grandmother not notice that mother had been replaced by a duplicate?" Neville asked. "She…I thought when she was giving me those gum wrappers because we were bonding. What if she was testing me for some sick reason?"

I took a few seconds and gauged what I should say.

"You know more, don't know?" Neville asked. "Everything that's happened, it's almost like you've seen what's happening. You have an answer for everything. Dumbledore, the Ministry, You-Know-Who. You got Sirius Black out of Azkaban, and you moved quickly to do that."

"Neville, I don't want to burden you with this secret," I said.

"So, you're a seer?"

I was not surprised this was Neville's first thought.

"If only," I told him.

"Fine, thanks for all of your help," Neville said. "But, don't worry about my mother. Because, I'm going to find her. If she's still out there, I'm going to find her."

"Your mother might not be who you think she is," I said. "Or she might be a pawn for these people…"

"Which people?" Neville asked.

Well, in for a sickle, in for a galleon.

"The Cloaks."

"The Cloaks?" Neville asked.

"It's an ancient magical cabal who operates from the shadows and have snatched several young witches and experimented on them," I told Neville.

"I've never even heard of these people," Neville said.

"Well, obviously," I said. "They're good at covering their tracks."

"And you think my mother is part of this evil group?" Neville asked.

"I'm just saying prepare yourself for her to be working for them," I said. "They're after the Green Flame Torch as well."

"Then why did my mother's clone give me that message?" Neville asked. "Or do you know?"

"Not a clue," I admitted.

And I hated it. I hated it a whole lot.

"Ever since you've returned to this world, you've turned everything upside down," Neville said. "And now, you're telling me that my mother was replaced. Do you think I wasn't better off not knowing that?"

"I feel like you're better off knowing the truth. If I knew the truth, I could do a lot more a lot sooner."

Neville took a deep breath. It was almost like he wanted to scream. Instead he settled in breathing deep. He pulled his wand out and pointed it at me.

"How do I know you aren't a part of these…people? You're smarter than the average underage wizard. For someone who was supposed to be ignorant about magic, you sure know a lot."

Kid raised a fair point. I could tell him about the time travel thing. However, I was rapidly reaching the point where I might as well just pull a Tony Stark and out myself to everyone.

"I can't tell you this, Neville."

"You took my parents and now you're claiming my mother's really an agent for some dark magical organization," Neville said. "Maybe Gran was right. Maybe you are nuts!"

Neville was a bit nuts when he pulled his wand out. I really did not want to have to fight her.

"Take a deep breath, Neville."

Astra ran into the compartment and restrained Neville into a stasis bubble.

"Back off," Astra said. "Harry's doing what he can to help save the world."

Neville had gritted his teeth.

"I know you want answers," I said. "But, you need to back down. I'll tell you everything I know. When you find out."

Astra let Neville go.

"Harry knows what he's doing."

Outside of the corridor stood Penny Haywood. The younger of the two Haywood sisters. That was right, wasn't it? She was giving Neville a very dangerous look.

"Calm down, Neville," Penny told him. "Go sit in the compartment with your friends. Beatrice told me that Harry is working hard in trying to figure out the truth about your parents and have to help him."

"My mother was an auror, she fought You-Know-Who, she would never be evil."

"I hope you're right," I said.

"Neville, go," Penny told him in a dangerous voice.

Neville walked off. Penny looked towards me.

"I really hope you find out what's going on," Penny said. "My sister's getting on my nerves, asking me about Godric's Hollow. I can't really explain what happened. But, maybe you can?"

"I'll think about it," I said.

I was looking at Penny Haywood strangely. Astra put a hand to her forehead.

"Something's off," Astra said.

"What?" I asked her.

"I don't know."

I looked at Penny Haywood for a few seconds.

"You remember I was there, right?" Penny asked. "That I was tortured by that Misery woman."

"I recall," I said.

Did I think so? Something is off about that night? I came to some kind of revelation and now it's nothing.

I caught sight of the older Haywood sister, Beatrice, at the staff table. Something about her seems less than composed tonight. The assistant Potions Professor normally is calm and collected and can do anything. I overheard Preeti Patil tell her everyone has an off night.

"Strange," I said.

"Pardon?" Daphne asked.

"Just weird, Beatrice is acting like she's under a lot of stress," I said.

"That might be because of her sister," Padma said. "She's quite the handful."

"I always see her flinging knives," Su Li said.

"That doesn't seem like a Penny thing to do," I remarked.

"Well, you were out there with me, and you've seen her do it," Daphne said. "Are you sure you're feeling alright Harry?"

No, I feel like I'm about to lose my mind. More so than I already have. There's something really strange and unsettling going on. I'm questioning what I know of reality. Granted, I did a lot of damage in the past year, but I've kept track of my damage.

It better not being a fucking speedster messing with the timeline. Although, I cannot put my finger on what is being messed with.

Seriously, am I going to have to kill you again, Eobard? How many times do I have to teach you this lesson, old man?

The Hogwarts Sorting hat sang his song. I am sure he put a lot of time and effort into it. But, I shall not be recapping the lyrics, because I don't really want to pay attention.

I'm not going to intervene with the sorting this year because I do not have a vested interest. Well maybe in a few.

"Carrow, Flora."

A pretty young raven-haired girl flashed me a smile. One of the Carrow twins. A pair of Slytherins. I think they might be the product of a little affair of the more notorious Carrows, Voldemort's followers. Who were brother and sister. And ugly as sin.

"Ravenclaw!"

Flora skipped over and took a seat.

"A pleasure to meet you, Harry Potter," she said. "I hope to be doing more business with you in seven years. Your standards for haremship are firm but fair. I just hope the bloodshed is controllable."

"Right," I said.

"Carrow, Hestia."

"Ravenclaw!"

The other Carrow twin stepped over.

"Hello," Hestia said. "If you need us to kill anyone who is an annoyance, just let us know."

Well she's forward. I looked at Penelope Clearwater who had no idea what to make of these twins. Hell, I had no idea what to make of them as well.

"Greengrass, Astoria."

Astoria moved over and locked eyes with me.

"Ravenclaw!"

Well three Slytherins were Ravenclaw's now. Astoria walked over.

"If you're looking into the Cloaks, I'll help you," Astoria said. "We can make them pay slowly."

This is an unsettling amount of bloodlust from an eleven year old. What was with these first years?

I feel like this should be a concern to someone.

"Oooh, vengeance," Hestia said. "Let us know if we can help."

"Yes, Astoria Greengrass, we will gladly assist you," Flora said.

Okay, scratch that. This is an unsettling amount of bloodlust for three eleven year olds.

"These twins are quite…interesting," Daphne murmured.

Yeah, Daphne, you're telling me. It was like they took Wednesday Addams and split her in two. Or something. I had no idea what to make of them.

"Lovegood, Luna."

"You're going to have to introduce us to the girl who survived Hell," Flora said.

"Astra, we're talking about Astra Logue," Hestia said. "Maybe we can help her return and finish her plans of conquest?"

"Fools are too comfortable they can escape to Hell," Flora said. "And those who rule it now have gone soft."

"How do you know about Astra?" I asked.

"We know things, Harry Potter," Flora said.

"And we know your mission, and we will pledge our undying loyalty to you," Hestia said.

The Sorting Hat started to smoke. I'm guessing it's from reading Luna's mind. Luna just hummed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips." I remember when Uncle Vernon hummed that song when trying to nail a door with a fruitcake. Good times, good times.

"Ooh, Morgana's twat!" The Sorting Hat yelled. "I don't even know where to send this girl."

"Well, Slytherin would be interesting, this time," Luna said.

"Fine," The Sorting Hat yelled. "Slytherin!"

Okay, I did not really see that one coming. And I was almost sad Snape was not there to deal with Luna. That would have been a true meeting of the minds. Luna skipped over the Slytherin table as everyone gawked at her.

"Weasley, Ginny."

Ginny slipped underneath the hat.

"No need to get hostile," The Hat murmured. "Slytherin!"

"Thank you," Ginny said.

Ron got up and applauded his sister. She moved over to the Slytherin table where she joined Luna. And Astra. A lot of the more asshole Slytherins had been weeded out after they tried to kill me last year.

Good times, good times.

A little feast and it was time for the opening speech. Much like Kara and Astra last year, Rosemary and Ariana were going to be sorted separately and in Rowena's office.

"Good evening," Rowena said. "Over the summer, more assistant professors have been hired for the core subjects. Your time tables will be distributed at Breakfast tomorrow."

Everyone applauded politely. There were a few more announcements.

"Now, I must touch upon the subject of Defense Against the Dark Arts, or Defensive Magic as it is now called. I will regret to inform you that last year's professor Bellatrix Lestrange will be taking a leave of absence to deal with some personal problems."

Yes, while Bellatrix's magical powers were slowly coming back, Rowena agreed it would be best for her to sit this term out, at least until she was able to perform to her former abilities.

"Now, given certain circumstances, finding a teacher qualified, nevermind several is different. There were a few candidates who came before me, but they were either unqualified, not fit to teach children, or in one case, a pair of lab mice who were bent on world domination. Therefore, I did not hire any of those."

That's a shame on the two lab mice. That would have been quite the interesting little crossover.

"However, I have found a worthwhile Defensive Magic teacher replacement for the indisposed Professor Lestrange. Therefore I wish to announce that my new teacher is…"

"Professor Ravenclaw, pardon the interruption, but Madam Dolores Umbridge is outside of the gates and demanding to see you," Gideon said. "She claims she has an official Ministry warrant. Shall I let her in, or should I go tell her to suck eggs?"

"Personally, I vote for the latter," Sirius said.

Several of the members of staff groaned. Rowena considered it.

"Let her in," Rowena said.

"And ready the catapult for ejection if she causes a nuisance," Godric said.

"Bit premature aren't we, Godric?" Helga asked.

"He's always had that problem," Salazar said dryly.

Dolores Umbridge and several Aurors stepped into the room. The Aurors looked really thrilled to be there.

"Seriously, Umbridge, again?" I asked.

"You keep quiet you meddlesome brat, you've caused enough trouble as it is!"

Not really, I thought.

"I'm here to inform you the Ministry of Magic and the Wizengamot has overturned the work-release agreement and therefore, I am to return all prisoners to Azkaban," Umbridge said. "Which in your case includes Bellatrix Lestrange and Bartemius Crouch Junior. You are to comply with our orders."

"It would be true, if Hogwarts, Hogsmeade village, and the surrounding areas is not under Ministry of Magic jurisdiction," Rowena said. "But, you'll find that the charter of cooperation between the Ministry of Magic and Hogwarts clearly states that we are a sanctuary area and are not subject to Ministry interference."

"You have hired dangerous criminals and placed them in positions of power," Umbridge said. "The Ministry will take back Hogwarts. This charade has gone on far enough. I'm not going to be made a mockery out of this any…"

A loud splat echoed with Umbridge getting nailed right in the face by a rogue tomato. Again.

"Who threw that?" Umbridge demanded.

"Hello, Madam Umbridge, you might remember me," Sirius said. "The name's Black, Sirius Black."

Shaken, not stirred? I can't help and think we made that joke already.

"Arrest Black for assaulting a Ministry official," Umbridge said.

"Actually, I'm well within my rights to hurl a piece of fruit at your head," Sirius said. "Part B, Page 20, Subsection B, of the rights of wizards clearly states that anyone who has been unjustly imprisoned by the Ministry has a right to throw at least five pieces of fruit at a Ministry official per year they got imprisoned."

Sirius looked rather smug.

"He's right, Madam Umbridge," one of the Aurors said

"A tomato is not a fruit, it's a vegetable," Umbridge said. "Therefore he is in violation."

Oh, damn it Umbridge, you just had to go there. The Great Hall exploded in an argument about whether or not a tomato was considered a fruit or a vegetable. And to be honest, did it really matter? To some, this matters a whole lot because this has caused flame wars and really bloody fights about whether or not a tomato is considered a fruit or a vegetable.

This is even more stupid if gif is pronounced like Jerry or like Gary. And no, no, no, we're not going down that rabbit hole.

Finally, nearly a half an hour later, things calmed down.

"Enough!" Umbridge snapped. "I'm not leaving until Lestrange, Crouch, Black, and Potter are hauled off into the Ministry for questioning."

"On which, of potentially several grounds," I said. "I should note that it won't do you any good to throw me into Azkaban, the Dementors are terrified of me."

Here, Umbridge approached me. I was ready for her, not that she could do anything.

"The Dementors are soulless terrors who fear nothing," Umbridge said. "They can't be afraid of you, you nasty little liar."

"That's no way to talk about your relatives," I said.

"What are you babbling on about?" Umbridge asked.

"Well, you said that Dementors are soulless terrors and you're a soulless terror, so you have to be related," I said. "Was it on your father's side or your mother's side? I do wonder. And how does your squib brother fit into this?"

I may have touched a nerve. Just a hunch.

"Potter, enough!" Umbridge yelled. "By the order of the Ministry of Magic, I am hereby putting you under arrest!"

"Really?" I asked him. "Do you want to go now or do you want to go later?"

"Potter, I want to go now!" Umbridge yelled.

"Now?"

"Yes, now," Umbridge said. "It's time someone taught you a lesson."

"It won't be you."

Umbridge took one more step forward.

"You want to leave now?"

"YES, POTTER, I WANT TO LEAVE THIS SCHOOL THIS SECOND!"

Boing, and Dolores Umbridge had been catapulted outside of Hogwarts once again.

"Hey, look up in the sky," Kara said. "It's Dolores Umbridge!"

Umbridge screamed in terror as she landed smack dab in the middle of the centaurs again.

"So, how much does the Ministry pay you people?" I asked.

"Not enough," one of the Aurors admitted.

"We don't have even have a dental plan," another Auror said.

"No dental plan?" I asked. "Well, that's harsh. What if Lisa needs braces?"

"It turns out we lost the warrant, so sorry for wasting your time," one of the Aurors said.

"We'll have to report that Dolores Umbridge is currently in the Forbidden Forest," another one of the Aurors said. "Should take about a day or two to get someone out here to check to see if she survived."

"Well, I'm sure the centaurs will keep her good company," I said.

I walked over to the Slytherin table and approached a giddy Astra.

"Happy you saw that?" I asked her.

"Completely," Astra said.

"What if she comes back?" Luna asked.

"Oh, I sure hope so," Ron said. "She has a face that looks easy to punch."

"And oh so fun,' I said.

Rowena cleared her throat.

"Right, now the matter of our temporary Defensive Magical Professors," Rowena said. "In exchange for sanctuary at Hogwarts, let me introduce you to Professor Cassandra Jacobs and Professor Merula Snyde."

I watched Cassie and Merula approach the table. There was some light applause, although a few of the older students had been swapping rumors about what Cassie got up to during her time at Hogwarts.

"We aren't going to replace Professor Lestrange," Cassie said. "But, you don't need any further disruptions in your magical education."

"And we will be following her plans for you very carefully," Merula said. "Because, even without Voldemort, there are still threats out there."

I looked at the table, and Cassie and Merula engaged in conversation with Beatrice at the table. She still looked stressed.

Something's still not right.

Watching Umbridge fly out of Hogwarts was really right.

But something else is not right.

Umbridge is going to be furious that Merula and Cassie were given a place at Hogwarts. Given that Cassie's still kind of wanted by the Ministry for questioning. And she's been on the run over the past year. And so is Merula.

X-X-X

I woke up in the dead of night with a revelation.

Beatrice Haywood wished for herself and her sister to switch places. For some reason. Because she had a fairy godmother.

Which explains why she just by magic wished us out of the cave at Godric's Hollow.

I'll be buggered.

Nora.

Nora Darhk.

Nora Titty Fucking Darhk.

The Daughter of Damien Darhk.

Is Beatrice Haywood's fairy godmother.

I think.

For all I know, it could be Eobard Thawne because of how fucked up this timeline's gotten. But, I really think it's Nora.

Well, I better deal with this.

To Be Continued.