Here Goes Nothing.
"Well, to make a long story short, years ago in another universe, I got this new job," Deadpool said. "Deadpool's New Job, see what I did there, was that I was the Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We had to deal with a lot of misadventures. Voodoo Hillbillies. Singing goblins. Voldemort's daughter from the future."
"Voldemort's daughter from the future?" I asked. "Come on, at least come up with a more believable story."
"I know, right," Deadpool said. "But, anyway I also ended up with an alternate universe version of Voldemort trapped in my head. And it's a madhouse enough as it is. Anyway, after slaying the evil pink toad, Dolores Umbridge, we had a song and dance number. And Hogwarts was skyjacked by the aforementioned singing goblins. And then the rights were brought out by Disney. And there was a musical. And then there were the red skies, and there there was this Crisis thing, and boom everyone was destroyed. Although I survived there. And I signed up for a temp job as a Fairy Godmother. Then the timeline got messed up again. And I was assigned to a certain Miss Haywood and she wished that she could switch lifes with her perfect sister. And that's where you came in."
Did any of you get that? Because, I sure didn't.
"Right," I said. "I think you're completely insane."
"I believe the proper term is utterly unique," Deadpool said. "But, to answer your question I'm…"
The door opened. Bellatrix walked in. I groaned. Astra groaned. Kara face-palmed. Because the one thing we did not want to happen is happening.
"Oh, it's Bellatrix Lestrange!" Deadpool cheered. "Really big fan of your work. Especially repeatedly taking points from theGryffindor house. And Die Hard is really the best Christmas movie of all time."
"I know, right," Bellatrix said.
And here we go, the meeting of the minds between Bellatrix and Deadpool.
"I've been a bit down lately," Bellatrix admitted. "Magic isn't coming back nearly as quickly as I would like. I just want to blow up some things. That puts me in good spirits."
"Well, I know a guy who can sell you some top of the line explosives. Really ends the night with a bang."
I was shaking my head and mouthing "no." Astra was shaking her head and mouthing "fuck no."
"Maybe we can smuggle some of them in the Ministry," Bellatrix said. "Kreacher would want to be in on this. With the Ministry and their stupid new school, it's about time to reanact Guy Fawkes Day."
"That would open up the new winter Wizengamot session with a bang," Deadpool cackled.
"Hey, Fairy Godmother!" Beatrice yelled. "How about unwishing that wish?"
"I wish I could," Deadpool said. "Maybe my snapping finger is broken."
"Well, this wish is causing reality to warp," Astra said.
"Yeah, I know," Deadpool said.
"So fix it!" Astra yelled.
"Why don't you fix it?" Deadpool asked.
"Beatrice, is there anything you can think of which might be blocking you from unwishing the wish?" I asked her.
"Penny hasn't properly grasped what it's like to be in my shoes, obviously," Beatrice said. "Oh, she has it so perfect though."
"Does she?" Kara asked.
"Well, it's not all fun and games," Beatrice said. "I mean, she has to be the best young Potioneer in the world. And she needs to be on top of things. And she can't let anyone down. And she worries about me and what kind of trouble I can get into. And her best friend was wanted by the Ministry. Unfairly, I might add. And she has to always be happy and cheerful, because she's Penny and she can't not be Penny. And then there's…"
Beatrice took a second to realize.
"She's got a lot of pressure on her," Beatrice said.
"Bingo," Bellatrix said. "The grass is greener on the other side, isn't it? Until you take a walk into someone's yard."
"Yeah, just don't forget to clean up after your dog," Deadpool said.
"Or your dog Animagus cousin," Bellatrix said.
I raised my eyebrow. Dare I ask?
Reality slowly popped back into place. Beatrice was back to a fifth year student at Hogwarts and Penny was back being an assistant Potions Professor.
"Well, that's settled," Deadpool said.
"Not really," I said. "We've got a situation."
Harry explained the situation to Deadpool and Bellatrix.
"So, Crouch Senior pulled a Harvey Weinstein," Deadpool said. "Or was that Jeffery Epstein? Get those two mixed up all of the time."
Not sure how anyone could get those two mixed up. Best to just roll with it.
"And they kidnapped Snape," Bellatrix said. "Who would want him? Other than Dumbledore I mean."
"Someone who wants a rare potion made," Beatrice offered. "And I wish any evidence of Harry being in Azkaban vanished."
'Done!" Deadpool called.
"And we've got this rat," I said.
"Oh, you dirty rat, you killed my brother," Bellatrix said in a low growl.
"Wormtail," Astra said. "Peter Pettigrew. Because the Knights of Walpurgis were trying to kill him for reasons."
"Sounds like a bunch of LARPers to me," Deadpool said.
"Let's see what Wormtail says," Bellatrix said.
"And we can hunt down these Knights," I said.
"Oooh, team up!" Deadpool yelled. "Team up! You're so much funner than that other Harry Potter. That guy wasn't even around half of the time."
As much as I hated to admit it, this Deadpool had a unique set of skills which would probably come in handy. And might be the wild card we needed to throw several plans. He does have a few screws loose.
Then again, maybe I do as well.
"Story was getting a bit too serious and easing up on the crack," Deadpool remarked. "But, there's no need to fear. Deadpool is here."
Okay, make that more than a few screws.
"Wakey, Wakey, eggs and bakery."
And yes, Bellatrix did actually say eggs and bakery. Peter's eyes opened up in horror. He looked from Deadpool, to me, to Bellatrix, to Kreacher.
"Why didn't you let Pyrites kill me?" Peter asked.
"Because it would be too easy," I said. "How did you get involved in this, Wormtail?"
"Answer Master Harry Potter's question, worm!" Kreacher yelled.
Kreacher smacked a strung up Pettigrew in the testicles with a sauce pan. Bellatrix punched him and Deadpool slapped him with a trout. And no, I don't know how or why Deadpool got a trout. You should know by now we just roll with it.
"Pyrites said that if I joined the Dark Lord, I would be able to get great power," Peter said. "And I could stand up to those who bullied me. Like Snape. Without James, Sirius, or Remus, I was nothing. And he might have planted the suggestion in Sirius's head to use me as a secret keeper. Because you and The Dark Lord were the latest battle in their little game, to keep the world distracted while they enact their grand scheme."
I could not be certain whether or not Wormtail was telling the truth. Although I deduced enough from his face.
"What is their grand scheme?" I asked.
"A world where magic is might," Wormtail said.
"You believe in that junk?" Bellatrix asked.
"You did, harder than anyone," Wormtail said.
"I believed in lies," Bellatrix said. "I believed in a delusional fool who used me and manipulated my emotions. He's gone. And so is your magic."
"And yet you turned into a rat," I said. "How?"
"I don't know," Wormtail said. "There's not a single place that will be safe when they get the Green Flame Torch to open the Gates."
"What Gates?" Deadpool asked.
"It's an infinite source of magical power," Wormtail said. "If they open the Gates, the Muggle World is doomed. Because there will be not a single person who could survive the onslaught without magic."
I realized Wormtail was talking genocide on a mass level.
"That's how they eliminate the problem of hiding, by eliminating those who we're hiding from," Bellatrix said.
"Even the Dark Lord realized that the plan was foolish," Wormtail said. "It would nearly wipe out magicals as well."
"I've got to get the Green Flame Torch before they do," I said.
"Morgan Le Fay scattered it over time and space," Bellatrix said. "I read about it."
So, a fetch quest it is. Boy, was I getting sick of those by now.
"There's an area in the Forest where the Cloaks meet, that's even hidden from the Hogwarts Head," Wormtail said. "Deep into the Forest where light cannot touch. They call it the Badlands."
Well, guess where I'm heading now.
"I've got to head to the Forest," I said.
"Are you…" Bellatrix said. "Right, I'm sorry. I forgot."
"It is a darkness you won't believe, Harry," Wormtail said. "Lily and James…they never wanted this life for you."
"And yet, I have this life," I said.
"People go to the Badlands and never return the same," Wormtail said. "I was taken there to test my loyalty. And I was never the man I used to be. That day, everything changed."
"Some risks are worth taking," I said. "We're going to have to find the first piece of the Green Flame Torch."
"Ask the Centaurs!" Wormtail blurted out. "They helped Morgana hide it."
Oh, the Centaurs. That could be tricky. Given that I'm not on very good terms with the centaurs. None of the time travelers are.
"The Dark Lord never even dared to enter the Badlands," Wormtail said.
"Well, I dare," I said.
"Harry, please, don't," Wormtail begged. "You're too important. If you fall to the darkness, who will save the world?"
"If I don't find the Green Flame torch and stop the Knights, there won't be any world left saving," I said.
"Kreacher thinks he's not telling you everything," Kreacher said.
"He's told me plenty," Harry said. "Wormtail. You're going to take me to the Badlands."
"I'd rather die," Wormtail said.
"Sure, buddy, anything you say," Bellatrix said.
Bellatrix whipped out a knife and stabbed it in Wormtail's kidney. Wormtail screamed and Bellatrix took the knife out and aimed it at his throat.
"That's not a knife," Deadpool said. "This is a knife."
Deadpool slammed a rusty spoon into Wormtail's chest.
"That's not a knife, that's a spoon," Bellatrix deadpanned.
"Fine," I said. "Don't take me. I'll let these two play knifey-spoony with you, while Kreacher feeds you healing potions and wacks you in the groin with a saucepan."
"STOP!" Wormtail yelled. "I'll take you there. But, you won't like it."
At this point, we had no choice.
"Can I just lead with how much I don't trust this guy?"
Zari, Astra, Kara, Gideon, Merula, Cassie, and I ventured into the Forbidden Forest. Oh, and Wormtail as well. And Kreacher who was currently leading Wormtail forward on a chain wrapped around his wrist. And Bellatrix and Deadpool were here as well.
"There's something down here," I told Merula.
"Trouble," Merula said.
"I've seen enough of this forest to last me a lifetime," Cassie said. "Not that I'm afraid. Just apprehensive."
"Saying something considering it's you," Merula said.
"We…we can still turn back," Wormtail managed. "There's still time. I don't…I don't want to be here."
"You should have thought about that before you turned on all of your friends," Bellatrix said.
"Yeah, get moving," Zari said.
Wormtail quivered for a second. They walked a little bit longer.
"It's too quiet," Deadpool said.
"You should know better," I hissed.
"I obviously don't," Deadpool said. "Wait, what was that?"
I spun around. Everyone was on high alert. Cassie tensed up for a second.
"Looked like a centaur," she said. "Well, they're not on good terms with me."
"Yeah, they're not really on good terms with any of us," Zari said. "Especially when Bane caught his…"
I put my hand up. Astra locked eyes on me.
"Harry, it's your friend," she told me.
"Nocturna?"
Nocturna moved out into the clearing. The entire group remained tense as the centaur's eyes raked all over all of us. Seconds passed before she spoke.
"You stopped the Dark Lord," Nocturna said. "But, yet Mars burns brighter than ever before."
"It always does," I said. "But, we're going to stop the Knights of Walpurgis."
"You never make anything simple, do you, Harry Potter?" Nocturna asked.
"And we seek the Badlands," Kara said.
"There's nothing good you can find there," Nocturna said. "I would suggest you turn back before the balance is upset."
"It's already upset," I said. "The Knights plan on unleashing a power which will wipe out non-magicals."
"You read the signs wrong, then," Nocturna said. "There is one solution forward."
"And we have to stop them," Kara said. "You have to understand."
"I understand," Nocturna said. "But the Centaurs made a deal."
"The Centaurs made a deal?" Zari asked. "How? Why?"
"I believe that there used to be more females than Nocturna, but the Knights targetted them like they did with Ariana, Luna, and others," Gideon said. "And this is why female centaurs are never supposed to be seen."
"And you Legends are in terrible danger for heading for the Forest," Nocturna said. "Time will unravel. And there's no stopping it. Not without…consequences."
"Appreciate your concern, but we're heading to the Badlands," I said.
"I'll stand aside," Nocturna said. "But, you may not see the light again."
It's always the same. Some warning of cryptic and unsettling doom.
"Maybe we should listen," Merula said.
"We should!" Wormtail snapped. "I know you have no reason to trust me, and I wouldn't either. But, what I've seen in there, it isn't pretty. I was never the same."
We were there. I could sense something in the Forest.
"It's gone?" Wormtail asked.
"How could an entire area of the Forbidden Forest disappear?" Astra asked.
"Yeah, that doesn't make sense," Deadpool said. "Whoa."
A flicker of some kind of green light pulsed through the Forest. Astra jumped back and braced herself.
"Everyone stand back!" Astra yelled. "Harry, give me your hand. Cassie, Merula, you two! We have to seal this before it's too late."
I saw what Astra saw. There were demons straight Hell that were about ready to walk straight from Hell and into the Forbidden Forest.
Wormtail screamed, as a large sharp tentacle grabbed him. Wormtail yelled out in agony. I sealed the portal, but not before he was sucked through.
"I thought this was the Badlands," Kara said.
"It's not here anymore," I said. "They transported all of the magic from here, to elsewhere."
"Okay, creeped out a little bit," Cassie said.
"And Wormtail was pulled through as well," Kara said.
"He's done," Bellatrix said. "And maybe we should…"
The Forbidden Forest rippled around us. I saw something on the other side and nothing. And then, I collapsed to one knee. Casually, I brushed around in the dirt and found a cracked rune stone with carvings on it. Carvings which were of ancient writing which I would need some time to decipher.
"Harry?" Astra asked.
Astra and Kara kept screaming my name. Zari reached down and pulled me to my feet.
"You zoned for about ten minutes," Bellatrix said.
"This is it," I said. "It's a map. To the first piece of the Green Flame Torch."
"Oh, that's convenient," Cassie said.
"Let's go," I said. "We need to get back to Hogwarts to unscramble this."
We walked back from the Forest. I had a lead. I just loved a good fetch quest. I've done about three or four of them at this point.
Hopefully, this is my last one. Although the fate of the world is at stake.
"Neville?" Bellatrix whispered.
"What?" I asked her.
"Longbottom's out here," Merula said. "Why?"
He was heading into the Forbidden Forest, head down. Curiosity killed the cat. Sorry, Selina, I know you hate that phrase.
"Take this up to the school," I told Kara, passing her the runic stone. "I'll meet you there."
But, I had to find out where Neville was going. And Astra followed me following Neville into the Forest.
"I got your message," Neville said. "Harry's really not kidding. Is it really you?"
"Neville, you must have questions."
I really had one of the worst feelings possible about this. A figure in a cloak appeared out of the shadows. Astra and I, along with Deadpool and Bellatrix, approached them.
"I don't understand anything," Neville said.
"Come with me, and I'll tell you everything."
The hood dropped to reveal Alice Longbottom. Not as as she was in the long term ward in St. Mungos, but rather, as she was when she was younger. And she's quite the looker, if I do say so myself.
"Well, Neville's Mum's got it going on," Deadpool said and he got his share of cross looks. "Saying what you all were thinking."
"We're going to have to fight her, right?" Bellatrix asked. "She wasn't exactly easy to pin down. Neither was Frank, but Alice is…"
"Wait," I said.
"Where were you?" Neville asked. "You left a double and made me think for all of those years that you were insane. Driven insane by the Lestranges."
'Oh, Bellatrix wishes she could have driven me mad," Alice said with a slight giggle. "Here, honey, come and give your mother a hug."
"I spent my entire childhood thinking I was a squib," Neville said. "Because, I was traumitized with what happened to you."
"I made a mistake," Alice said. "And I need your help to correct it. And yours too, Harry Potter."
Well the cat's out of the bag. I decided to jump out. Alice threw her hands up in surrender and I tied her up instantly.
"Harry?" Neville asked.
"For the best," Alice said. "I might have escaped from them before, but you don't know what they might have put into my head."
Bellatrix stepped out of the shadows.
"I should get you back up to Hogwarts," Bellatrix said. "So, you pulled a fast one on everyone, Alice?"
"Oh, I had to, to protect Neville," Alice said. "I had to go underground and find what I needed to. I programmed my double to give him the information needed to find the Green Flame Torch. Because, I received a message, telling me of the catastrophe that it caused when it was assembled in the future."
"What?" I asked.
"Armageddon happened," Alice said. "Thankfully, Harry made it back and some of his companions. The flames were not strong enough to reach past the summer of 1991."
"Harry?" Neville asked.
I sighed and explained to Neville everything that happened. Just what I wanted to avoid, telling yet another person this.
"Nice summary of the last thirty chapters," Deadpool said.
"This is mental," Neville said.
"Yep," I agreed.
"The Green Flame Torch in the right hands can fix everything," Alice said. "But, if it is assembled by the same nefarious hands in two places in time and space, it will cause the end of all civilization."
"Wormtail says that they wanted to wipe out non-magical users," I said. "Is he wrong? Or are you wrong?"
"Believe me or not," Alice said. "David Fortescue is the person you should look into. But, Harry, listen to me very carefully. If you get the Green Flame Torch and use it right, you can return home. And it can be the best of both timelines merged together as one."
Oooh, that's very tempting.
"How can I trust you?"
"This might be a plan to trick you into using the Green Flame Torch to wipe out another timeline," Astra said.
"You can't trust me, I understand," Alice said. "But, what's going to happen if the Chief Knight gets his hands on the Torch?"
"The Chief Knight?" I asked her.
"The leader of the Knights," Alice said. "He was believed to be the only surviving heir of the infamous Herpo the Foul. And he wants to avenge his ancestor's destruction. He's also known as Kaiser."
Oh, boom goes the dynamite. This is honestly insane. Astra looked at me as if trying to figure out what to make of this.
"Pyrites lit the Green Flame Torch in the future," Alice said. "She told me. She sacrificed herself so you can be sent back in time for one last ditch effort."
"Who told you?" I asked Alice.
"She called herself Ta-er al-Sahfer!"
"Sara!" Astra and I both whispered in unison.
Sara Lance, the White Canary, the Captain of the Legends, one of my best friends and lovers. I should have known.
"Her soul suffered a fate worse than death by making the sacrifice," Alice said. "Thankfully, I received the message before anyone else could. I think it was meant to be sent to you, but something got messed up."
Well, time travel is far from perfect.
"Let me take you to David's flat," Alice said. "And prove to you I'm on your side. Before they summon the Dark Dragon Queen."
Why do I feel like there are more revelations to come?
"Get Elle and Rowena," I said to Astra. "I'm not taking any chances."
'Right," Astra said.
"Harry?" Neville asked me.
"It's insane, I know," I said.
"Just smile and grin, kid," Deadpool said. "Things are going to get more insane before this story ends. Which is why I'm here."
His point is well taken. I might finally have answers to how I randomly got knocked back in time in the first place. Providing Alice is not playing some elaborate game with me. Or she's being played by someone. I put even odds on both.
Elle and Rowena met us, along with Alice, Astra, and myself. Oh, Deadpool. It was the next morning, and I had a good idea what the runic map meant.
But, there was one more clue.
"I've put the school security on high alert," Rowena said. "Nothing should enter the castle grounds."
"Stay sharp," I warned them.
"Oh, ahead of you."
Deadpool produced a pair of extremely sharp swords. We made our way to David Fortescue's home. The door opened up and we had been greeted to a mess.
"Okay, he's a messy house keeper," I said.
"The mess is a diversion," Alice said. "Although he may have started a ritual in a hurry."
"There's something behind that door," Elle said. "I smell it. It's rotten."
I had no idea what I was going to find behind this door, but I was pretty sure I was not going to like it at all. The door sprung open. I saw a naked man laid out on the bed. Several tattered scrolls surrounded him. Candles lit with black flames surrounded the room. And once I lifted up the piece of runestone to the candles, parts of it illuminated before me.
"Dead," Elle murmured.
"Worse," Astra said. "He's being used as a coundit to open a gateway to Hell. And whoever entered the portal had a head start."
"Well, I've been kicked out of Hell enough times," Deadpool said. "And I realize that they're not letting things up for…"
The curtains burst open and several demonic winged demons flew out. I rapidly spun around and blasted them back. Then a three-headed demonic bunny rabbit hopped at it us and spit acid. Elle whipped her wand only for the rabbit to pass through the cage.
"Don't let it into the village!"
"Great, there's three more of those things!" Astra yelled.
We put up a barrier. The demonic rabbits bred into the house like, well, like rabbits, and prepared to overwhelm them. Deadpool hacked and slashed while humming "Kill the Wabbit" underneath his breath. Okay, whatever works. Deadpool hacks and slashes his way through the demonic rabbits.
"Vile dark creatures"
Hey, it's book Gilderoy Lockhart, who raises a mystical staff and blasts them. The combination of Deadpool and Lockhart holding them off allows myself, Astra, Rowena, and Elle to seal the portal.
"Right, that takes care of the dark creature infestation," I said.
I waved the stone tablet over the candles and it lit to life again.
"The first piece of the Green Flame Torch is on the other side," I said.
"Oh, of course it is," Astra said. "You're not…"
'I am," I said.
"Then I am as well," Astra said.
"Well, I'd go to Hell and back with you," Deadpool said.
"And count me in as well," Elle said.
"And if these demons are a threat to people, I'm in as well," Lockhart said.
"I'll watch the conduit," Rowena said. "Make sure you can get through. And no one else gets out."
I used my signal watch to send a message to Kara to relay to the others. And hope that we didn't have anything more serious than demonic three-headed rabbits coming out in the portal.
Over the river, through the woods, and straight down to Hell we go.
The fact I have been down there so much that I might want a summer home is kind of discouraging.
To Be Continued.