Over the River and Through the Hell Portal.
I zipped through the portal with practiced ease. Astra landed behind me. Elle followed, along with Book Lockhart. And also Deadpool who stuck the landing and pumped his fist into the air in triumph. This raised Astra's ire ever so slightly.
"Could you try and not draw attention?" Astra asked.
"Could I try?" Deadpool asked. "Maybe? Will I succeed? I don't think so."
"He's worse than you are sometimes," Astra said.
"Thank you, I think," I remarked.
A small group of stragglers caught sight of us and ran in the other direction as fast as their little legs could carry them. Deadpool blinked and turn slowly towards me.
"Was that for me or you?" Deadpool asked.
"Could be for me," Elle suggested.
"Just point me in the direction of some demons," Lockhart said.
"We are in Hell right?" Deadpool asked. "We didn't land in Detroit? Or Seattle? Or Portland?"
"Or the Jersey Shore," Astra said.
"No, this is nowhere near as bad," I said. "Definitely Hell."
"I concur," Astra said. "Still smells like….LOOK OUT!"
The stampede of hoofs came towards us. Elle, Astra, and I prepared to deal with what was thumping down the way. A hooded figure riding a black unicorn with glowing eyes stampeded past us. The figure turned their attention to us for about ten seconds before quickly taking flight with the murderous looking unicorn.
"What?" Deadpool asked.
"Follow that Murdercorn!" I yelled.
"You've always wanted to say that," Deadpool remarked nonchalantly before turning towards the fourth wall. "He's always wanted to say that."
I took a running leap and gave chase to the Murdercorn.
"Astra, give me a boost!" I yelled at her.
"Please tell me you're not going to jump on the back of that thing."
"Fine, I'm not going to jump on the back of that thing."
"He's totally going to jump on the back of that thing," Deadpool commented.
Astra and Elle gave me a boost. Lockhart fired a crossbow bolt at the unicorn's hind end to try and slow the creature to a crawl. Of course, the bolt bounced off the creature. And I bounced on top of the creature.
"Alright, time for us to make a quick landing," I told the person.
The person blasted me off of the side. I remained levitated in the air and propelled myself closer to the creature. The creature turned around and dove at me, horn extended. I dodged the attack and pivoted around before, busting the horn of the unicorn off. The creature and its rider faded into mist before me.
And I landed down onto the ground.
"Well, that happened," I said.
"Are we any closer to the Green Flame thingy?" Deadpool asked.
"Not yet," I said. "Still would like to know what that was all about."
"Don't know, maybe the author's making it up as he goes along. Maybe he's just wanting to wrap things up and put this entire project to bed?"
There are times where I feel like I should ignore Deadpool for the sake of my sanity. I took a sample of the dust and examined it very closely.
"Come one and come all tonight to the Pit for tonight's big main event match. Where a piece of the fabled Green Flame Torch will be on the line in a special invitational battle royal. Tickets are the price of your soul. Admission for children is free."
I blinked for a second. Flaming flyers rained down on hell. I face palmed a demonic looking troll and took his flyer.
"It's a wrestling match," I said. "They're going to put the piece of the Green Flame Torch on a pole above the ring and the first person to climb the pole and grab it wins."
"Did Vince Russo book this match?" Deadpool asked. "Is Vince Russo booking Hell?"
I just gave a non-committal hum.
"I'm going to have to get in there and win that piece of the Green Flame Torch," I said.
"First of about three or four pieces," Elle said.
"That's how these things normally go."
"I just want to bust some demon head," Book Lockhart said.
"Oh, you will, trust me," I said.
"So remind me again, how do these fetch quests normally go?" Deadpool asked.
Astra and I exchanged a tense look.
"We seek out all of the pieces and snag them one by one before the big bad does," I explained.
Astra picked up where I left off. "We have the object. Ready to go. But after all of the hard work has been put in, the big bad snags the object from us."
"Normally leading to some fight for the fate of the world, or all of human existence," I said.
"Right," Deadpool said. "So, you're going to snag all of the pieces of the Green Flame Torch, and put it all together. And just when you think everything is won, boom here come the Cloaks. And they snag the damn thing before you can use it against them. And thus putting all time, space, and existence. They might wipe out humanity. They might enslave us. They might erase the Golden Girls from existence. Dogs and cats will be living together, it's mass hysteria."
I rubbed my chin thoughtfully.
"There's a pattern to these things," I said "A troubling pattern."
"Well, we can't just wait around and wait for the Cloaks to just take the pieces," Elle said. "Can we?"
I pondered Elle's question. Let's leave this one hanging.
"So, where is the Pit?" I asked Astra.
"It's in the vilest, most disgusting, most depraved part of Hell," Astra explained.
"So the part that's filled with people out of the Jersey Shore?" Deadpool chimed in. "Wait, didn't we just make that joke?"
"Yes," Astra agreed. "And yes."
Well, it's off to this Pit. While keeping an eye out for the mysterious Murdercorn and its rider.
Suddenly, my skin flickered and I went transparent for a second. And then everything stopped.
"Harry?" Astra asked.
"Strange," I said.
It was almost like someone tried to erase me. Granted, I could not think of a reason why anyone would want to wipe me out of existence.
Okay, I could think of a few, along with several people who would.
"Alright, this is going to be a big show! Everyone step right up! Tonight's main event is the biggest event in sports entertainment history! It's a happening. They're going to be literally hanging from the rafters."
Given we are in Hell, I'm sure people could potentially be literally hanging from the rafters. I caught sight of a scrawny buck toothed gentleman with a slightly greasy look. Elle, Astra, Deadpool, Book Lockhart, and I all walked up to him.
"Mmm, what's up doc?"
I couldn't resist. The buck-toothed gentleman turned towards me, eyes widened.
"Excuse me," he said. "Excuse me? Are you making fun of me? You are making fun of my teeth. Well, I'm so sensitive about my teeth."
"Look here, Bucky, I'm Harry Potter, and I'm here to wrestle in the main event," I said. "It's going to be a big house tonight and you're going to get mega-ratings."
"You're too short for television," the buck-toothed man said. 'You don't have the right look. And your accent…no one wants to hear someone with an accent in wrestling. You're way too British, and not the good kind of British."
"But, I've got name recognition," I said.
"Look, he's Harry Potter, I'm Astra Logue, and you are going to let us into this arena," Astra said. "We're after the Green Flame Torch."
"Sorry, a bunch of cloaked guys paid me a lot of money not to let you in and I'm just going to count my dollars," Bucky said. "And you shouldn't have made fun of my teeth if you want in. As long as I'm the producer, Harry Pottter will never show his face in this arena."
"THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S SOME GOOD SHIT, PAL!"
The hell did I walk into. A large roided up man with devil horns and a nice suit appeared, walking around like he had something wedged up his ass stepped in. Obviously has no resemblance to any real-world wrestling promoter living or dead, retired or active.
Obviously.
"Oh, it's Harry Potter!" he rasped. "Harry Potter, you're a legend down here. A legend, down in Hell. A LEGEND! YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE LEGEND!"
"So, do I get to be in the main event then," I said.
"I vote we blast them all," Book Lockhart said.
"Oh, no, no, no, you don't get to be in the main event tonight, because only people over forty get to be in the main event," the promoter growled. "This is wrestling, pal, no one wants to see a young greenhorn in the main event. They want legends. They want people who were wrestling twenty years ago in the main event! At least! They don't want some kid. They want big burly men. Big burly men. They want a big sweaty gorilla! And they don't want some fresh-faced little punk in the main event. And another thing."
The promoter's eyes bugged out and his Adam's apple bobbed.
"Oh, no, no, no, I mean, your name is all wrong," the Promoter said. "Harry Potter. All of my wrestlers, they don't have a first and a last name. That's too confusing. And at my age, I can't remember too many names. You can be in the opening bout or maybe in the dark match. Really dark. It's like in the coldest depths of hell….HEY WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"
Deadpool had been blasted out of the arena.
"See, these hooligans out the door!" the promoter yelled. "Get them out of there. I paid more to cover up my sexual misconduct than I did for this arena, and I'll be damned if I let some young punk ruin my show. I have the longest running weekly episodic show in HELL! That's some good shit! REAL GOOD SHIT!"
A gaggle of overly muscled goons appeared in front of us. And the gate inside of the arena was sealed. Astra, Elle, and I prepared to fight them off. The Promoter looked like he was going to have an orgasm at the sight of these big burly men.
"Make sure he stays out of the arena!" the Promoter yelled. "Or YOU'RE FIRED!"
"Alright, you overblown beefcakes!" Lockhart yelled. "Give me some of this."
Lockhart sent a series of bolts at the goons. And they staggered off. Elle froze them in place. And I just casually snapped my fingers and caused them all to fall over from a steroid induced heart attack.
I rushed into the arena, only to find my hands nearly got burned.
"Damn it, that bastard sealed us out," Astra said. "The cloaks beat us to the punch."
"Maybe," I said. "Or maybe not. I'm still going to be in that main event."
"How?" Astra asked.
"They said you couldn't show your face in the arena," Elle said.
"Exactly," I said.
I had a plan. An insane plan, but that's all of my plans these days.
I knew one thing about wrestling history. There have been many wrestlers who have been banned from competing. And they could all use one simple trick to bypass that.
"Ladies and gentleman, it is now time for the main event. Hung above the ring on a pole is a piece of the fabled Green Flame Torch. The first twenty competitors who enter the ring will compete for the prize. The winner of the prize will get the fame and the glory of holding one of the most fabled artifacts. While nineteen losers will be sucked into the deepest darkest nether regions of Hell."
I appeared in the midst of the gaggle of miscreants, with a black and green mask pulled over my face, along with a silvery jumpsuit and furry boots.
"And when the bell rings, our competitors will race to the ring."
An small army of cloaked individuals moved out in front. The crowd had been buzzing. And several of these people were ready.
"Oh, I hope I win," a greasy looking man in a suit said. "People like me don't do well in Hell."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"I am a Network Television executive," the greasy man remarked. "I cancelled a beloved television show seven seasons in. On a cliffhanger."
Truly one of history's greatest monsters.
"Finally," a very familiar voice hissed.
No, it can't be. But he did get sent to hell. There he was, right before me, the one and only Tom Marvolo Riddle, better known as Lord Voldemort.
Well, he was sucked down here last time I met him. So this makes about as much sense of anything.
"So, y'all after the Green Flame Torch as well?" I asked him in a fake Southern drawl. "Going to be apart of this rasslin'. Git er done!"
Does that reference date me?
"Yes," Voldemort agreed. "I will have my vengeance on Harry Potter."
"Oh, well, I can't stand that guy," I said. "He's just nothing but a little punk. You know what a mean?"
"I know right!" another hopeful competitor said. "Can't he just leave some of the women for us? Why does he have to take them all?"
"Oh, at least he's been banned from the arena," another competitor said.
"A pity," Voldemort remarked. "Although, I don't like the looks of this. It can't be…it's impossible, but it is. But, it doesn't matter, because I will have my unholy revenge on everyone who defied me. I will use the Green Flame Torch to enslave the world under my glorious reign and Potter will be beneath my feet."
"Kid really upset you, didn't he?" I asked.
"He mocked me and humiliated me, and made fun of the fact I didn't have a nose," Voldemort said. "And he will pay for that."
"So, did you lose that nose through some dark magical ritual?" I asked.
"No," Voldemort said. "Cocaine is a hell of a drug."
Figured as much.
"May the best man win."
"Yes, and that will be me," Voldemort said.
And the bell rang and everyone raced to the ring. Several of the cloaks tried to swarm the ring, and lock out the competitors. I slipped through, knocking two of them out of the way.
"And this mysterious masked man has found his way into the ring!" the announcer yelled. "I understand he's going underneath the name of Rettop!"
That's Potter spelled backwards, by the way. I palmed one of the demons trying to enter the ring and dodged underneath the cloak.
"Stand aside!" one of the cloaks yelled. "We will acquire that object."
"NO!"
Voldemort spiked one of them from behind and dropped them down to the ground. Two more cloaks dropped to the ground from Voldemort who took them out.
I think these guys are what you might call under the wrestling vernacular jobbers.
I may have just buried the Cloaks. That's another wrestling term.
See, friends, fun and educational!
"Stand aside, you relic," the largest of the cloaks said. "You only became the feared Dark Lord because I allowed it!"
A loud bang echoed and ropes with snakes on the end appeared.
"Stop!" Voldemort demanded of the snakes.
The ropes wrapped around Voldemort and the snakes snapped at him. I had bigger problems. Namely a ghoulish looking troll swinging an axe at my head. Did I mention the axe was on fire? Because, it was on fire. The troll swung the axe at me which I dodged.
"You're not going to get to that box, little man," he grunted.
"Yeah, but the guys in the cloaks are."
And sure enough, one of them scuttled up the pole. I springboard off of the trolls back and speared the goon off of the pole. We both landed at ringside and crashed directly through a nearby table.
I rose up to my feet, not dazed in the slightest. Come on ,I survived a killing curse. I'm not about to sell going through a table. Doesn't work for me, brother. I rose up a few seconds later, only to find a large snake slither up the pole right next to me. The cold aura filled the arena, despite us being right above the flaming pits of hell.
"I sense your fear," the snake hissed.
"And I sense your bad breath!"
"No, that box is mine!" the troll yelled. "I'm going to…."
A large flaming rocket shot through the ring and knocked over the pole, with me on it. Lockhart appeared, along with Deadpool and they both manned rocket launchers and started firing.
"SECURITY!" The Promoter yelled. "How did they get in the building?"
I clung onto the pole and crawled a little bit closer to the box. Only to find Voldemort cause spikes to rise out where my hand goes.
"You're a worthy competitor, Rettop," Voldemort hissed. "But, I will not suffer in this inferno any longer!"
The pole levitated and shook us off a force. I landed onto my feet, and Voldemort crashed down.
The lead cloak almost had his fingertips on the box.
"NO!" Voldemort yelled.
And the cloak grabbed the box. Only for Astra to jump in and kick the box out of his hand and Elle take him out with ropes going down around him.
"It's mine!" Voldemort yelled.
We both chased the box. However, I caught much smaller objects falling. And it landed in my hand. Triumph spread over my lips.
"Got it," I said.
I opened the box and a golden egg fell out of it. My eyebrows raised up for a brief second when I studied it.
"HA, HA, HA, THAT WAS SOME GOOD SHIT, PAL!"
It was a swerve.
The Promoter held a small piece over his head. It was the base of the Green Flame Torch by the looks of things.
"Once I collect all of these pieces, I'm going to rule it all," the Promoter said. "It's going to be some good shit."
A wrestling promoter acting shady and underhanded. Get out of town.
"We had a deal," one of the cloaks said.
"Oh, I didn't become the top promoter in all of Hell by not coming out ahead on my deals. There's no chance, no chance on Earth, you're going to get the better of me! I didn't screw the Cloaks. The Cloaks screw the Cloaks!"
And that madman laughed like a madman.
"Astra, Omega-Nineteen-Zeta, now!"
"No, it's mine!" Voldemort yelled out.
Astra boosted me and Voldemort flew. The promoter pressed a button and a large gate made of hellfire appeared. I closed my eyes and passed through it.
And Voldemort followed. The Promoter did a big gulp of fear when the two of us circled around him.
"Give it to me, now," I said.
"I got here first," Voldemort said.
"I grabbed the box it's mine I said."
Surely he's not going to go back on a stipulation. In wrestling. Perish the thought.
I looked at the promoter. Stared him down.
"It's inconceivable!" the Promoter yelled.
"You keep using that word," I said. "I don't think you mean what it thinks it means."
"Could you please get out of the shot!" the buck-toothed producer said. "You don't have the right look."
Voldemort casually blasted the producer out of a nearby window. He fell to his doom. I'm sure if he landed on those teeth, he would be fine. Otherwise, he would be screwed.
"No one does this to me. I'm…"
Suddenly, I sneezed, which caused the promoter to recoil in terror and lose his balance.
"Yoink!"
I took the base of the green flame torch away from the promoter who started spitting fire. Literally, because we're in hell. The fireballs reflected off of me and caught my mask was on fire. I hurled it off to reveal my face.
"Potter?" Voldemort asked.
"Yes?"
"I should have seen this one coming," Voldemort said. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Because if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. He's like Wile E. Coyote levels of falling on his face at this point because of that Killing Curse. I blocked the killing curse. And then threw a conveniently present cake all over Voldemort. Because, if there's a wrestling match, and there's a cake, it's going to end up on someone.
All I need to do is break a trophy and put someone through a table during a contract signing.
The cake to the face was not appreciated by Voldemort. I hurled the Green Flame Torch into the air.
"ASTRA, CATCH!"
Astra caught it. And the Cloaks went after her. I dove down the steps after them as Astra hurled it.
"Elle catch!"
A stampede of security trolls rushed at Elle, along with some cloaks. Lockhart appeared and buried crossbow bolts into the chest of his enemies. Yet, more cloaks surrounded to Elle.
"Someone catch!"
"Hey, I caught the thing!" Deadpool yelled. "I…."
Voldemort dove down the steps and knocked Deadpool back. The most feared dark lord in a thousand years was covered in cake and pissed.
"One step closer to returning to….ARGH!"
A large dinosaur swooped out of nowhere and ate Voldemort, swallowing the Dark Lord whole.
Wait?
I'm going to repeat that, because even I don't believe what a just saw.
Voldemort was eaten by a dinosaur.
There are dinosaurs in Hell?
I'm not sure where that even fucking falls on the Evolution versus Creationism debate.
A small army of dinosaurs appeared. Even the Cloaks were confused. And on the back of one of the dinosaurs rode Amadeus Crouch.
"I'll take that!" Amadeus yelled. "How do you like my genetically altered pets? Dragon DNA infused with dinosaur eggs causes something wonderful. Something terrible. Something wonderful and terrible. Something Wonderable…no Terrorful!"
Amadeus waved the base in front of me.
"The Green Flame Torch," Amadeus said. "I'm sure you Knights want to rewrite reality. But, I will gather the pieces of the torch, and achieve my unholy revenge and I…."
I knocked Amadeus off of the back of the dinosaur in mid-spiel. And hey, now I've got the Green Flame Torch thing.
"You talk too much," I said.
"Harry Potter, you'll pay for that," Amadeus said. "Always meddling."
"It's what I do," I said. "And Astra, Elle, cover me, we're leaving."
"I think not! That Torch is mine!"
The Murdercorn is back, and on its back rode a blonde witch who looked like a younger version of Narcissa Black, with enough of that Malfoy smugness to make me think that we found the lost Lyra Malfoy. Oh, and did I mention the Murdercorn brought a heard of it's completely murderous and blood thirsty friends.
Cloaks on one end. Murdercorns on the other. Dinosaurs are here. Oh, and we're surrounded by rabid wrestling fans who stink to high heaven. And they're all from the Jersey Shore.
Well, and we all have to find an exit portal. We're in quite the pickle. And none of this situation is kosher.
"So, that could have gone better," Deadpool remarked.
Thanks Wade. Thanks.
To Be Continued.