Before they left Kinloch, Mattox discovered Sabrina had two reasons to return to the tower. The first was to demand that the mages fulfill their duty to aid the Grey Wardens according to some ancient treaties they held. The second was to request aid from the First Enchanter in exorcising a demon that had possessed the Arl's young son. According to Sabrina, the only way to save the boy was to send a mage into the Fade to fight the demon. The task would either require the use of lyrium and several mages to perform a ritual or through blood magic. Sabrina's decision to choose the more difficult path to achieve the goal said a lot about her opinion of blood magic. It also told Mattox that she refused to allow any maleficarum to influence her.
It only took him a few minutes to gather the necessities Mattox needed to travel. The mages, however, took longer to ready themselves for the trip. It was early afternoon before they were ready to leave the Tower. To make things worse, the ferryman's small boat could only carry four passengers at a time, which required two trips to ferry them all across the lake.
Sabrina rode with Alistair, Sister Leliana, and Wynne, leaving Mattox stuck riding with the First Enchanter and two other mages. The templar didn't mind it though. He wouldn't say it Sabrina, but he still didn't completely trust Irving or the other enchanters. There was still a chance one of them could have been compromised by Uldred and his ilk, and the arrangement allowed Mattox to keep a closer eye on them.
The sun was beginning to set by the time they reached the top of the steep hill on the other side of Lake Calenhad They walked for nearly three hours before reaching the Grey Wardens' camp. When they arrived, Sabrina introduced Mattox and the Circle mages to the rest of Sabrina's traveling companions. The templar thought them an odd bunch that would likely never associate with each other outside of their current situation.
In addition to Alistair, Leliana and Wynne, Sabrina counted a Qunari called Sten, an elf named Zevran, a dwarf named Oghren, and an apostate named Morrigan among her friends. Morrigan's presence vexed Mattox. He wrestled with his nature to take charge of the illegal mage. To resist the temptation, Mattox convinced himself that Sabrina must have been conscripted Morrigan, thereby leaving the apostate outside templar jurisdiction.
Sabrina announced that they would remain in the camp that night and get an early start for Redcliffe the following the morning, While the other newcomers erected their shelters, Mattox found a place to pitch his tent far enough away to observe everyone and everything. He took note of the fact that Morrigan kept completely to herself, going so far as to build her own fire and cook her own meal. Mattox also noticed that, although Sten shared their fire and food, he remained silent unless spoken to directly. Zevran put Mattox off right away with his smoothness and flirting. The elf's behavior reminded the templar of Anders a little too much for his comfort. As for Oghren, he was already three sheets to the wind when they arrived –a normal state for the dwarf according to Zevran.
Mattox watched Wynne, Irving and the other two Circle mages gather near the campfire to engage in deep conversation. They spoke in normal tones, so the templar assumed they weren't conspiring to do anything nefarious. The rest of the company, sans Morrigan sat around the fire listening to Leliana regale them with a tale about Ser Aveline.
No matter how much he wished otherwise, Mattox couldn't help but stare at Sabrina. As he marveled at the way the dancing red and orange flames reflected in her curls, his resolve began to weaken. His prayers and oath to keep his distance hadn't quelled his deep-seated longing for her a bit. After everything, he remained a man conflicted between faith and duty and his desire to be with her. He stiffened his back and tore his gaze from her to watch Leliana spin her yearn. He knew it was best to keep his distance from Sabrina, but it was all he could do not to return his attention to her.
Eventually, he couldn't help his gaze wandering back to the mage. A gasp escaped Mattox's lips when Sabrina shifted her weight toward Alistair and put her hand in his. The templar closed his eyes and tried to swallow but found his mouth completely dry. Why hadn't he noticed it before? He had been concentrating so hard on Sabrina that he ignored the love-stricken look in his friend's eyes. What would he do now? Although they hadn't seen each other in over six years, he had kept in touch with Alistair through letters, and the templar still considered the man his best friend.
Bile rose to the back of Mattox's throat. He was going to be sick. His lids slammed shut, and he squeezed them tight against the tears forming in his eyes. His best friend was involved with the only woman Mattox had ever loved.
Maker, he finally admitted it to himself after trying to fight it all those years. He loved her. He had from the first moment he touched her hand. The unrelenting urge to be alone overtook him. He wanted to crawl into the deepest hole he could find and bury himself in it. Out of everything that he had been through and seen, the idea of Sabrina and Alistair together brought the most pain. He would rather be back in Kinloch, starving and half out of his head than be where he was at that moment—than to know the truth.
The templar stood and walked into the surrounding forest. He needed time to gather his thoughts—to fight the urge to tear Alistair apart. It wasn't Alistair's fault. Mattox knew that, but it didn't make the situation any less painful, and it didn't quell his building rage. Deep in his heart, the templar knew that it was probably for the best, but it still hurt like the void.
He walked a bit further into the tree line before stopping in front of a large, ancient oak. Picturing Alistair's face, he let his fist fly. He put every ounce of his strength behind the swing. A sickening crack echoed through the trees when his knuckles slammed into the trunk. Too wrapped up in his fury and anguish, Mattox didn't feel any pain. Blood spurted from his skin as he continued to take his rage out on the tree again and again.
"Mattox?" Sabrina whispered from behind him, "Are you alright?"
When he turned to look at her, her face was bathed in the white glow of magic she held in her palm. An uneven breath swelled her chest at the sight of blood covering his face and his bright red eyes from crying heartbroken tears. She examined him carefully, moving the light down his body. A gasp escaped her when her gaze fell on his crushed hand. When she rushed to his side and took hold of his still clenched fist, he pulled it away from her. Her face softened to a look of pity as she wrapped gentle fingers around his wrist and lifted his hand to examine it.
"Maker," she breathed. Her eyes began to glisten in the glow of the magical orb. "Mattox…what have you done?"
He stared into her eyes helplessly, wishing he could think of an explanation that didn't sound completely mad. Without waiting for an answer, Sabrina slowly moved her hand to gingerly cover his fist. She closed her eyes, and a warm tingling sensation spread through Mattox's bones and muscles as a faint glow appeared between her curved fingers.
Bowing her head in concentration, she took a step closer to him. Mattox drew a sharp breath, inhaling the intoxicating scent of her perfume. She stood near enough to him that he could feel the heat radiating from her body. Every other thought left his mind as he stood basking in her presence. He felt no pain, only an intense yearning to be closer to her.
She stepped back and shook her head before looking up at him with glistening eyes. "I'm sorry Mattox, but this is beyond the scope of my knowledge. Wynne is a spirit healer and the only one I know that is almost as talented as Anders at healing spells. I think that we should go see her, otherwise you might lose function of that hand completely."
He scowled when she mentioned Anders' name but nodded his agreement when she suggested that Wynne try to heal him. As a templar, he would not be able to perform his duties if he lost the use of either of his hands. It would render him utterly useless.
He followed Sabrina back to the camp. When they reached the clearing, his hand started to throb. By the time they approached Wynne, the pain had become nearly unbearable. The older mage made quick work of it though, and it wasn't long before her magic reduced the agony to a dull ache. The enchanter told him that, other than a few days of discomfort while it finished healing, he would be fine. After Mattox thanked her, she offered a wry grin before warning him not to get into any more fistfights in the meantime.
Mattox was happy that no one, not even Sabrina, asked what happened. He assumed they chalked it up to what took place in Kinloch, and he was content to have them believe it. After that, everyone gave him a wide berth. They apparently thought the events had driven him as mad as Cullen. Even Alistair barely spoke to him outside the occasional "You alright?"
For the rest of their journey to Redcliffe, Mattox spent his nights in contemplative solitude. Each time his anger flared upon seeing Sabrina and Alistair behave like love-struck teenagers, a twinge in his hand would serve as reminder to let it go. He held no claim on the mage, and he had no right to be angry with her or Alistair for finding happiness with each other.
Mattox became keenly aware of the gravity of Redcliffe's situation upon entering the village. As they passed through to the keep, he watched the surviving townsfolk burning the bodies of the corpses that had attacked them. It was a stark reminder of the danger that mages posed on the world. The villagers were lucky that Sabrina and her companions arrived when they did, or things could have been much worse. As it was, most of the residents seemed to be in good spirits, thankful for their lives.
The mood in the castle, however, was quite the opposite. An ominous and somber aura permeated the keep as soldiers and servants alike went quickly and quietly about their business. When the party reached the main hall, they found Arlessa Isolde wringing her hands and pacing the floor. As soon as she noticed them, her expression softened to one of grateful relief. She called for one of the guards to fetch her son, Connor, and the mage that kept watch over him.
Mattox's mouth fell open when Jowan enter the room carrying a young boy in his arms. The templar's first instinct was to take the blood mage down. At that moment, Jowan represented all of those that tortured and killed his fellow templars. Mattox wanted nothing more than to make Jowan pay for their crimes. Against his nature, Mattox stood fast and left Jowan alone—at least until Sabrina had no more use for the mage.
Sabrina decided to enter the Fade herself to rescue the arl's son. Just as she had at her Harrowing, she made quick work of destroying the demon that possessed the boy. When it was finished the arl's brother, Bann Teagan, asked Sabrina for her opinion on what should be done with Jowan. Mattox knew the two mages had been best friends since childhood. He expected her to ask for mercy on Jowan's behalf. Instead, she told the nobleman that Jowan should pay for his crimes and that any atonement he had earned in aiding them with Conner was between him and the Maker.
Mattox was awestruck. At that moment he began to believe that Sabrina was the type of mage they should all strive to emulate—a paragon of her kind. Her conviction to strive to do what was right in the face of personal loss, restored some of the faith Mattox had lost in those with the gift. Perhaps she was right. Maybe it was human nature that made mages do evil things, not their magical abilities.
Although Connor's mind had been restored, Arl Eamon remained unconscious. Whatever magic or poison Jowan had given the man maintained a strong hold over him. The arlessa informed Sabrina that the soldiers she sent out returned with the name of a scholar in Denerim who might be able to help locate the Urn of Sacred Ashes. The idea of finding and visiting the temple where the remains of the Andraste piqued Mattox's interest. Even if he wasn't welcome to go along on any other mission with Sabrina, he hoped she would allow him to accompany her on that one.
They took their leave from Castle Redcliffe after Sabrina promised the arlessa that they would do their best to locate the miracle cure for her husband. When they reached the village, Irving and the other Circle mages boarded a small ship to return to Kinloch. Mattox still didn't fully trust the First Enchanter or his companions but decided it was no longer his problem. Greagoir told Mattox to stay with the Grey Wardens. If there was any fallout from allowing the Circle mages to roam free in the countryside without an escort, that would be the Knight Commander's problem.
After seeing the Circle mages off, Mattox followed Sabrina and the rest of her companions as they headed to Denerim to locate the scholar, Brother Genitivi. Two days outside of Redcliffe Village Sabrina approached Mattox in camp to ask him if he would accompany them to the temple. It took all his fortitude to maintain his countenance when he answered her question.
"Of course, Sabrina." He put a fist to his heart and offered a slight bow of his head. "I appreciate the opportunity."
"You are most welcome, Mattox," The smile she gave him nearly took his breath. "I thought that since you grew up in the Chantry, you might want to see the temple for yourself."
He was surprised by the fact that she knew he had been raised in the Chantry. He never told her, of course. He could hardly ever speak to her for more than a few moments without completely tripping over his words. He had to know how she found out.
Before he could ask, she said, "Alistair told me that he met you there when he was ten after Arl Eamon turned him over to the sisters. He said that you two were very close, like brothers and that you even joined the order together."
Mattox's shoulders slumped. He should have known that she found out from Alistair and not because she cared to pay extra attention to the details of his life. She must have noticed his sudden change in demeanor because her bright smile quickly turned into a worried frown.
"Did I say something wrong?" she asked.
Mattox shook his head. "No…it's just a little embarrassing when people find out about my lack of parentage."
It wasn't a lie. He had always been embarrassed about being an orphan and never knowing anything about his parents. The children he met in the city of Bournshire often teased him about it. Sabrina didn't need to know the real source of his disappointment. In all the years that he was at the tower, she had never really tried to get to know him. She wouldn't have known a thing about his life if Alistair hadn't told her in casual conversation and likely didn't care. He heaved a sigh. Another lie…but this time he was lying to himself. She tried countless times over the years to speak to him, but he always mucked it up with his shyness.
Her gaze dropped to his feet. "I'm sorry, Mattox. I didn't mean to bring up painful memories. I just thought that since we'll be traveling and working together we should get to know each other better."
Her gentle kindness made him smile. "Thank you, Sabrina. I apologize for my reaction." He suddenly realized that he no longer felt nervous around her and the stuttering problem he always exhibited when speaking to her was gone. He actually felt comfortable talking to her.
She beamed up at him. She could light up the darkest corner of the Deep Roads with that smile.
"No harm done." Her brow furrowed. "I've noticed that you've been sitting alone every night…Look, I realize that at Kinloch you never really…had friends. I mean I never saw you sit with or talk to any of the other templars." She bit her lip and scowled. "I'm sorry. That sounded really bad." She rolled her eyes and blew at her bangs in frustration. "What I meant to say is that we're kind of like family—our little merry band of misfits and castoffs. If you're like Morrigan and you sit alone just because you want to, then that's exactly what you should do. But if you're sitting by yourself because you're afraid of not being accepted, then you have nothing to worry about.
"You already know Alistair, Wynne and I. As for Leliana, we met her in a tavern in Lothering. She has some unusual ideas about the Maker, and she was once a bard in Orlais, but she's great. We also met Sten in Lothering. He was locked up in a cage just outside of town for murdering a family in cold blood. He doesn't talk much, but he's a good fighter. And Zevran was an Antivan Crow who was hired by Teyrn Loghain to kill me. When he failed, he swore to fight at my side in return for my protection from the Crows."
She squinted one eye in thought. "Oh, yes. Oghren. How could I forget him? He's an ex-soldier whose wife left him to chase after a legend about an anvil hidden in the Deep Roads. He's crude and constantly drunk, but he's funny and provides some much-needed comic relief. So, you see, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your past. The people in this group are the last ones to judge anyone."
Mattox had been told their names when he first arrived at their camp, but he had no idea they all had such colorful pasts.
Merry band of misfits, indeed.
He wasn't sure that he was ready to accept her invitation that evening, but it gave him something to think about.
"Thank you, Sabrina. I'll keep that in mind."
She nodded and did a mock curtsy. "You are most welcome, ser."
He watched her hips sway as she walked away from him and glanced up in time to see Alistair studying his face. The moment he met his old friend's eyes, Mattox's face grew hot, and he quickly averted his gaze to his tent.
He decided to skip dinner for the evening to focus on offering prayers to the Maker, but he couldn't focus. His mind kept wandering back to Sabrina as he tried to concentrate on the words of the Chant. If given the chance in the tower, would he have really forsaken his vows to be with her? His chest tightened with the answer he couldn't deny. He would have given up everything for her.
After that epiphany, he gave up any hope of religious meditation. Perhaps the morning would bring a new perspective. As he lay on his bedroll, he found that sleep didn't come easily. His mind kept drifting back to Sabrina. Sometime in the night, his exhaustion finally overtook him only to fall into an uneasy slumber filled with dreams that reflected both his shame and regret.