Notes:
This was definitely one of my favorite chapters to write. like seriously, I love this one.
Dear Billy was such an emotional episode, so I had a lot of artistic liberties.
I was able to utilize Lucas at the very end of this chapter which gave me a lot of Lumax :)
Enjoy!
Before Max could explain what she saw, the door burst open, scaring the shit out of her. In the frame stood Nancy and Robin.
"Did you find any information?" Robin asked. No greetings.
"I- yes, but… something happened…" Max stuttered.
Nancy gave her a look. " What happened?"
"I- I had a vision or something… of a grandfather clock in a hallway near here…" she replied, sounding a bit frazzled.
"Show us."
Shakily moving out of her chair, she grabbed her flashlight and lead them through the hall. Finally turning the corner, she was distressed to find that the clock had disappeared.
"It was here," Max swore. "Right here."
"A grandfather clock?" Nancy repeated.
"It was so real…" she whispered. "And then, when I got closer, suddenly I just… I woke up."
"It was like she was in a trance or something. Exactly what Eddie said happened to Chrissy."
"That's not even the bad part…" Max said, turning toward the group. "Come on."
Beckoning then back to the office, Max gestured to Fred and Chrissy's files.
"Fred and Chrissy, they both came to Miss Kelley for help. They both were having headaches, bad headaches that wouldn't go away. And then…" Max hesitated. God, she was so screwed. "Then the nightmares. Trouble sleeping. They'd wake up in a cold sweat. Then they started seeing things. Bad things. From their pasts. These visions, they just… they kept on getting worse and worse, until eventually… everything ended."
Everyone stared at her nervously, silently understanding where she was going with this.
"Vecna's curse," Robin mumbled.
"Chrissy's headache started a week ago. Fred's, six days ago… I've been having them for five days."
The room was dead quiet. Stunned.
Max broke it.
"I don't know how long I have. All I know is that for Fred and Chrissy, they both died less than 24 hours after their first vision. And I just saw that goddamn clock, so…" she uttered, tears forming in her eyes, "…looks like I'm gonna die tomorrow."
Steve started to pace, Dustin looked as pale as a ghost, Nancy looked at the floor, and Robin sat with her mouth open.
Not unexpected responses.
Suddenly, something clanged outside.
"Stay here," Steve ordered, and he grabbed a lamp. Then, creeping out the door, everyone followed him despite his instructions. He wasn't going alone. No way.
As footsteps approached the main hallway, Steve got ready to swing.
Everyone screamed as Lucas appeared, and so did he. Steve had nearly taken him out.
"It's me!" Lucas cried.
"Lucas?!" she yelled.
"It's me," he confirmed.
"Jesus, what's wrong with you?!" Steve cried.
"I'm sorry-" he panted.
"I could've taken you out with this lamp!"
"Sorry, guys. Sorry. I was… I was biking for eight miles." Leaning against the wall, he attempted to catch his breath. " Give me a second. Shit."
"We've got a code red," he said eventually.
"What?" Dustin replied.
"Dustin," he addressed his friend, "I've been with Jason, Patrick, and Andy, and they've gone totally off the rails. They're trying to capture Eddie, and they think you know where he is. You're in terrible danger."
"All right. Yeah, that definitely sucks, but we've got bigger problems than Jason right now."
Turning his head towards Max, she crossed her arms and stared at the floor.
"What problem?"
"Eddie didn't kill Chrissy. She was killed by something from the upside-down-"
"Vecna," Dustin said, cutting her off.
"Like from D & D?"
He nodded.
"Shit…"
"But, I- um… he's after me. He's trying to kill me…." Max muttered. "I've got less than 24 hours…."
Lucas's face looked so defeated. So scared for her.
"How do we kill him?"
"We're not sure," Nancy responded. "Listen, we need to get to my basement to sort out what to do next."
"Let's go," Steve said.
Max couldn't sleep. How could she? She was looking death straight in the eyes.
There was so much she needed to say before her inevitable demise.
Not much could be done. Max didn't have enough time to tell everyone.
So… she resorted to the next best thing.
In the basement, there was a small table with craft items. She'd be able to use it to write letters. Express as much as she could; before her time ran out.
She got through every person within eight hours, crying the whole time. But there was still one more left. The one she dreaded writing the most.
Max had to write the letter. She couldn't put it off. There was only so much time they had left.
Lucas.
So, at nine in the morning, Max changed into new clothes before heading back into the basement to write her final letter.
Max hid her tears pretty well from the others after they woke up. The letter took four hours to write, after all. Compared to how long the other letters took, it shouldn't have, but she needed to make this one very fleshed out. Lucas was too important; it felt wrong to try and rush through his letter.
After Nancy and Robin had left, she ensured she was satisfied with each of her letters before sealing them in envelopes.
Max realized that the boys were staring at her. That checks out.
"I know you guys are staring at me."
All at once, they started pretending like they were doing something, and she couldn't help but roll her eyes as she collected the letters. Men…
"How you think your eyes boring into the back of my head is protecting me from Vecna, I don't know." Then, getting up out of her chair, she stood in front of them. "You can look at me now."
Max almost laughed despite herself as they started apologizing.
She handed them their letters. "For you. For you. And um... For you," Max said. "Oh, and, um, give these to Mike, El, and Will. If you can ever get a hold of them again."
Dustin started to open his, and she panicked a little.
"What are you doing? No, don't. That's not for now. Don't open it now."
"Don't? Okay…" Dustin murmured. "I'm sorry. What is this?"
"It's, um… it's a fail-safe. For after. If things don't work out."
"Wait, whoa. Max, things are gonna work out," Lucas tried to reassure her.
"No!" Max replied quickly. All she could feel was anger. "No, I don't need you to reassure me and tell me it's all gonna work out. People have been telling me that my entire life and it's almost never true." She paused, holding back tears. "It's never true. I mean, of course this asshole curses me. Should've seen that one coming." Inhaling a long breath, she asked, "If we go to East Hawkins, will this reach Pennhurst?"
"Of course. Yeah," Dustin replied.
"Why are we talking about East Hawkins?" Steve asked. And then he knew. "No. No. No!"
Completely ignoring him, she grabbed her bag and headed upstairs. Max would walk if she had to.
Reaching the driveway, Steve tried pleading with her. "Max, Max. Seriously. Seriously, I'm not joking. I'm not driving you anywhere."
She'd had enough. "If you think I'm going to spend what is likely the last day of my life in the armpit that is Mike Wheeler's basement, you're out of your mind. So either take me where I need to go or tie me down, which is technically kidnapping of a minor. And if I live to see another day, Steve, I swear to God, I will prosecute."
Trying to pull on the handle, she realized the door was locked.
"Open the door."
"Uh, no."
"I know a good lawyer," she threatened.
Steve scoffed. "Henderson, that super walkie of yours better reach Pennhurst."
Max spun her head around as everyone piled into the car as a clock chimed before abruptly stopping.
She entered the car.
"This better be fast, Mayfield. Twenty seconds."
Max rolled her eyes at Steve and wordlessly headed inside.
The trailer was empty, just as sad as she had left it. Still, she had work to do.
Setting a few envelopes on the coffee table, Max got ready to leave when she saw her mother through the window.
Max should probably say goodbye.
Stepping into the backyard, she watched her mother do the laundry.
"Mom," she called.
"Hey, sweetie. I thought you were with your friends today."
"Yeah, I… I was. I am. Shouldn't you be at work?" Max asked.
Her mother smiled. "Oh, Mr. Bradley let me off early. So I'm just catching up on some chores."
"Um, I… I left some letters inside. For you and… and Granny and Uncle Jack. And Dad. If you can find him." she said nervously.
"Letters? I… I don't understand."
"Uh, I just… um… With all the murders and everything, I… I know it's stupid, but I just started to think, what if something happens to me?"
"Max, baby, nothing is going to happen to you."
"I know. But if… if it did, I just… There's so many things that I want to say, that I need to say. And… Promise you'll give the letters out?"
Her mom shook her head. "Max, you're scaring me."
"I'm not trying to scare you…" she responded quietly.
"Is something going on?"
Max shook her head. "No-"
"Is it, baby?"
Max released a shaky breath. "No. No, you're right. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm being silly." A tear slipped down her face, and her mother pulled her into an embrace.
"Max. Oh, sweetie. Shh."
Crying into her chest, she breathed in the sweet scent her mother carried.
"It's okay. Nothing is going to happen, baby. I promise."
Suddenly, the clouds grew dark. What was happening?
"Nothing you don't deserve," her mother growled.
She was squeezing her too tightly. "Mom, let go of me. Mom? Let go."
"Maxine.."
Vecna…
"You think some letters are going to make things right? You've broken everything."
The memory of Billy dying flashed within her mind.
"Your time is almost at an end," he said, gently brushing his claw over her back.
"Let go!" Suddenly, a grandfather clock chimed once more, and Max fell onto the grass, panting hard.
Well, shit…
He was coming for her, and there was no way to stop it.
Hurrying to the car, Steve called out, "Hey, that was longer than 20 seconds." He quickly noticed her shaking, though. "Hey, whoa, whoa. You all right?"
"I'm fine. Just drive."
"Did something happen?" Dustin questioned her.
Max didn't have the patience. "-Can we please just go?"
Steve reluctantly started up the car, and before Max could put her Walkman on, Lucas whispered, "What happened?"
"I… just an argument with my mom, okay?"
Though he didn't seem satisfied, he left it alone.
As they neared the graveyard, Max pipped up. "Turn here."
"Here?" Steve asked. She nodded.
As they parked, Max told the others to stay in the car. Steve made it clear that she had five minutes tops.
Whatever. It should give her long enough.
"Max?" Lucas called after her, quickly making his way toward her.
"Lucas, please, just wait in the car," she said, annoyed.
"Max, just wait. Max, please."
"Lucas, just wait-"
"Just listen to me. Just, please," he interrupted.
She didn't have the time for this, but Max knew he wouldn't stop.
"I know something happened there with your mother. Was it Vecna?"
"I told you, I'm fine, okay?" Max lied. "I mean, as fine as someone who's hurtling towards a gruesome death can be."
"Max… you know you can talk to me. Right?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I know that."
"Okay, then why do you keep pushing me away? Okay, look, I don't need a letter. I don't want a letter. Just talk to me. To your friends. We're right here. I'm right here. Okay? I'm here."
Max shook her head.
"Wait in the car. This won't be long."
She didn't wait to watch his face. Instead, Max trotted towards his grave. Billy's grave…
Max had been here quite a few times. It didn't make it hurt less, though.
Sitting criss-cross in front of it, Max pulled out her letter. She sighed.
"Dear Billy, I don't know if you can even hear this," Max started, "Two years ago, I would have said, 'That's ridiculous, impossible. But that was before I found out about alternate dimensions and monsters, so… I'm just going to stop assuming that I know anything…." Maybe she was talking to no one. Still, it's worth a chance. "So much has happened since you left. Your dad was a total mess. He and my mom started getting into fights. Bad fights. I don't think he could stand being here without you. So he left… And he didn't leave Mom much. She's taken an extra job, and we moved to that lovely trailer park off Kerley."
Tears streamed down her face, but Max didn't even care anymore. It was her last day alive; she was gonna cry if she wanted to, god damnit.
"Basically, ever since you left, everything's been… a total disaster. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone why you're gone. I can't tell them that you saved El's life. That you saved my life. I play that moment back in my head all the time. And sometimes, I imagine myself running to you, pulling you away. I imagine that if I had, that you would still be here."
Sniffling, Max struggled to read on. "And everything would be…" she sobbed, "…everything would be right again. I imagine that we… that we could've become friends. Good friends, like… And I know that's stupid. You hated me. I hated you. But I thought that maybe… maybe we could try again. But that's not what happened. I just… I stood there, and I watched."
Her chest heaved in air. "For a while, I tried to be happy. Normal. But I… I think that maybe a part of me died that day too. And I haven't told anyone this. I… I just can't. But I had to tell you. Before it's too late. If you can even hear this. I really hope that you can."
Sighing, she wiped her tears away. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Billy. Love, your shitty little sister, Max."
She had just put the letter back in the envelope when…
The sunny sky quickly turned to shadows, and the grass was engulfed in fog. Max listened to the clock chime. And then… a voice she's longed to hear echoed through her ears.
"Max…" it teased. She turned.
Billy.
She stood up and watched as a silhouette approached.
"Max, I've been waiting to hear those words, Max…."
She gulped.
"Waiting so very long. But it wasn't the full truth, was it, Max?" he said, nearing closer to her. "You know, I think there's a part of you, buried somewhere deep, that wanted me to die that day. That was maybe even relieved. Happy."
Max's breathing turned shallow. He was taunting her. Vecna was mocking her. Worst part: it was working.
"Billy, no, that's not true."
"That's why you stood there, isn't it, Max? It's okay. You can admit it now. No more lies. No more hiding-"
"Billy, that's not true, I swear," Max pleaded with him. She was sobbing at this point. "I swear it's not true."
"That is why you feel such guilt."
"No…"
"Why you hide from your friends. Why you hide from the world. And why, late at night, you have sometimes wished to follow me. Follow me into death," Billy said as a clock chimed.
"No, no…"
Backing away, she wasn't aware she was close to the edge.
"That is why I am here, Max. To end your suffering, once and for all."
Suddenly, Max fell off the edge and landed hard on the grass. When she stared back up, Billy was gone, replaced by Vecna. She'd never gotten a good look at him until now, but god, was he ugly. His skin was rotting, his muscles gray and black. Vines entangled his head, slithering in all directions.
He looked terrifying.
"It is time, Max," he said roughly. "Time for you to join me."
No.
Max bolted as fast as she could into the mist. She needed to find a way out.
Lost in a maze of graves, she hid behind a large ledge. But as she turned to see if he was still following, her heart plummeted.
He was only a few yards away, hunting her down.
"You cannot hide from me, Maxine."
Running as fast as she could, Max screamed out for her friends. "Lucas! Dustin! Lucas, please, help! Dustin!"
Suddenly, a bright red light lit up the small area she was a part of.
Anything was worth a shot if it meant that she might survive.
Wandering into the mist, it turned into a red wasteland, and Max paused as the ground below her turned to blood.
Max would turn and run in any other circumstance, but that wasn't an option. She had to continue.
As the blood sludged below her, Max crept towards a large… something… in front of her. She honestly had no idea what it was.
It took her a few minutes, but she managed to make it there.
"What are you doing in here, Max?"
The grandfather clock floated in the air next to a broken staircase that led nowhere. Then, below her, she made the mistake of stepping on a spider egg, and she jumped back as hundreds crawled out.
"Come back to me…."
Along the edges of this strange clearing were slimy columns. Max wished she hadn't examined them.
The first body she saw was Chrissy's, pinned against it in vines. Her body was so broken that she was almost unrecognizable. Same thing with Fred's. Both are equally as horrifying.
"How do you like them, Max?" a voice echoed from behind, and she realized it was Vecna's.
Sure enough, when Max spun around, he was directly behind her.
"Would you like to join them?"
Oh hell no.
Max tried her best to escape, but a tentacle wrapped around her leg and began pulling her backward. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" she cried. "No!"
Shrieking as the tentacle trapped her onto a column, Max's eyes glowed wild with terror as her arms were pulled behind her. The next thing she knew, she was being choked by a vine.
Gasping for air, her heart screamed as Vecna stalked toward her. She was going to die. This was it. These were her last few moments.
But then…
And if I only could…
Running Up That Hill?
Far in the distance, Max spotted a portal back to reality. She could see her friends pleading for her to wake up.
"Max! Max, wake up!" Dustin and Steve yelled.
"Max, we're right here!" Lucas said.
"We're right here. I'm right here." Lucas had said earlier at the graveyard.
He was there. So far, yet so close.
"They can't help you, Max. There's a reason you hide from them."
Thunder in our hearts…
"You belong here, with me."
Coughing, Max breathlessly said, "You're not really here…."
"Oh, but I am, Max… I am…"
It's you and me, won't be unhappy…
Max felt a sharp pain as Vecna placed his claws above her head, rolling his eyes back.
And if I only could, I'd make a deal with god, and I'd get him to swap our places.
She could see through the portal that her body had begun to float.
A tear rolled down Max's cheek. She didn't want to die.
I'd be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building…
They say before you die, your whole life flashes before your very eyes. Max never believed it. It all changed at that moment, though.
"I don't want a letter. We're right here. I'm right here."
Max shut her eyes tight. Memories flooded back to her.
Lucas throwing M & M's into her mouth.
Shopping with Eleven.
Trick-or-Treating.
Lucas and Dustin showing off their ghost catcher.
Lucas telling her she's 'Totally Tubular.'
Laughing about boys with El.
Trying to convince Mike that she could be the party's 'Zoomer.'
Sneaking into the movies with Lucas.
Joking with him.
Kissing him …
Max knew at that moment… she knew she wouldn't give up. Never.
Max plummeted to the ground by breaking free of the vines and pulling a tendril off of Vecna's neck.
No time to stall.
Max sprinted to the portal. Her life depended on it.
Wading through the blood, she sobbed as she drew nearer to the people who loved her. Max was going to fight to live.
And if I only could, I'd make a deal with god, and I'd get him to swap our places…
Dodging a large piece of debris from the sky, she stumbled over before quickly picking herself back up.
Max narrowly avoided sharp wood that fell from above, moving out of the way before she could be impaled.
I'd be running up that road, be running up that hill… no problems…
Only a few more feet to go.
Pushing herself to the limit, she gasped as her body entered the portal.
Max could only describe it as an electric shock, the feeling that washed over her body. One moment she was in hell, and the next, she was in heaven.
Max had a split second to gaze into the blue and pink sky as her eyes shot open. She'd admire it if she weren't dangling in the air.
Max felt her body falling down… down… until she crashed into the earth with a thud.
Her friends called her name, and she saw them jump to her side as she collapsed.
"Max! Max!" she heard them cry.
Screaming, Max frantically felt around for Lucas. She needed him. And lucky for her, she found him.
Sinking into his chest, she flicked her eyes around wildly, taking in her surroundings. To know she was okay.
Steve looked white as a ghost, like he'd just seen the pits of hell. Dustin was sweating with his face contorted in fear. Lucas was sobbing, his eyes bloodshot red. All-in-all, they didn't look thrilled.
As Lucas held her, he whispered into her hair, "We thought we lost you…."
"I'm still here, I'm still here," Max gasped. "I'm still here."
Shutting her eyes, Max took in a shaky breath. She was safe; she was alive.
She chose to live. To fight.
As all her adrenaline began to wear off, exhaustion consumed her. Max hadn't slept in over a day, she'd almost just died, and now she was in Lucas's arms. It was a recipe for unconsciousness.
Not only that, but the shock was settling in, and her emotions disappeared. Max was just… numb.
She couldn't associate any feelings with her near-death experience.
Her mind began to drift, tired, disoriented, and an overall mess.
With Kate Bush singing in her ears and Lucas's quiet reassurance, Max resorted back to a time when her life was looking up. Before Starcourt. Before Billy's life ended. When she could just relax in Lucas's presence. A time when she wasn't afraid of herself.
She'd get there eventually. Today was the start.
Max's thoughts became fuzzier and fuzzier as she quickly nodded off. The last thing she remembered was squeezing Lucas's hand.
Max squeezed his hand, and, squeezing it back, Lucas rested his chin on her head.
The group sat silent for another moment when Lucas realized he was the only one keeping Max's hand in place. Letting it go, it dropped into his lap. She'd passed out. Watching her shallow breathing, Lucas could only wish he had been there more for Max. Maybe he wouldn't have to see her like this. Perhaps he wouldn't have seen her almost die.
"Is she…" Steve tried to ask, but he didn't complete his sentence.
"Yeah," Lucas confirmed with a whisper. "She's exhausted."
Dustin touched two fingers to Max's neck. "Normal," he said softly. "Nancy and Robin will be here soon," he told the other boys. Then, gently, he pulled his hand away to rest it on her shoulder.
Steve turned his head in the other direction to stare at Billy's grave.
If they hadn't played the music, Max would have one of her own.
Placing his hand on her forehead, Steve brushed the loose strands of hair out of her face. Max looked so… ill. Her skin was clammy and cold, and her face shone a sickly pale color.
"You think Max is okay… like, physically?" he questioned them. "Whatever Vecna did to her took a bunch of her energy, and she looks, like, really sick… Plus, she landed on the ground pretty hard… so maybe not in the best shape."
Lucas hugged her a little tighter. "I don't think she's too harmed; nothing serious, at least. But, yeah, we need to get her somewhere safer."
"Shit…" Dustin said, finally allowing himself to relax. "That was…"
"Insane…" Steve finished. "Oh my god…."
When Nancy and Robin showed up, the sun had already long set.
Hurrying out of the car, the two girls booked it toward Max.
"Is she alive?!" Nancy called. Her voice was full of panic.
As they drew nearer, Steve responded more softly. "She's okay; just asleep."
"What happened?" Robin asked, crouching at Max's feet.
Dustin shook his head. "She started floating into the air, exactly like how Eddie described what happened to Chrissy. The music… it worked."
"Thank you…" Lucas said so quietly it could barely be heard.
Nancy nodded. "She looks-"
"Bad? Yeah, we know," Steve replied, cutting her off. "She looked awful while she was in a trance. Like she was… gone. She was just a shell of a person…."
Collecting all the information, Nancy stared into space, deep in thought.
"Okay, we need to get her somewhere safe. Why not my basement," she said after a moment. "We can plan what to do next once we get Max situated."
All of them agreed with the idea and stood up to leave.
Lucas scooped Max's limp body into his arms and watched as her head lulled into his chest. She was surprisingly light.
He could see Max's eyes fluttering under her lids. She must be deep asleep. Lucas prayed she wouldn't have a nightmare, that she would get some rest, some peace.
"Lucas, remember to keep that music playing. We can't risk anything," Nancy reminded him.
Nodding, Lucas checked to see if it was still on. It was.
Walking toward the red BMW, Lucas carefully laid Max in the back and climbed in himself. Propping her head in his lap, he cupped her cheek. It was so… cold. It prompted him to acknowledge how lucky he'd gotten. If Nancy and Robin hadn't picked up, Max would be…
No, he couldn't think of that. Lucas couldn't focus on the bad. Instead, he was just relieved Max was alive.
With Dustin taking shotgun and Steve driving, they drove off to the Wheelers. Along the way, Dustin and Steve had a quiet conversation.
"You think Vecna will go for her again?" Steve asked.
"I… don't know. We've found a strategy, so it might be useless to try and trance her again." Dustin responded.
"I mean, what if he's determined?"
"Can't he just find someone else to kill?"
Steve shrugged. "He chose Max for a reason…."
"Because she was the best fit, but I'm sure there's plenty of other candidates."
He couldn't really argue with that. "What did Vecna show her?"
"Not sure… this wasn't like the other trance we saw, though. We'll find out when she wakes up, I suppose."
Steve paused. "Scariest shit I've ever seen… even compared to all the monsters we've fought…" he whispered.
"Thank god for Nancy and Robin."
"She was floating," Lucas finally commented. Steve looked at him in the mirror.
Steve knew. He knew Lucas still loved her.
"Max is going to be okay. She's still alive and breathing. That's the best outcome we could've asked for."
Lucas nodded. "I know."
Eventually, they pulled into the Wheeler's driveway, and Steve helped Max out of the car. He'd carry her this time.
Nancy led them through the garage door so Ms. Wheeler wouldn't see Max unconscious in Steve's arms. No time for questions. Nancy would let her mom know that they were staying over.
Entering the basement, Lucas and Dustin rushed to grab blankets and pillows.
Laying Max on the bed, Dustin propped a pillow under her head while Lucas covered her in a blanket.
She didn't stir, not even once. Max was dead asleep.
"Alright, okay… uh… here's the plan: we're going to take turns watching her while the others sleep. Who wants to go first?" Nancy asked.
"I'll do it," Lucas replied almost immediately.
"Who's next?"
They eventually decided on the night shift. Lucas first, then Nancy, Robin, Steve, and lastly Dustin.
As the rest of the gang fell asleep, Lucas stayed wide awake. Then, moving to the couch, he rested Max's head on his lap.
While Max didn't look peaceful, she didn't look awful anymore.
She looked… okay, like someone who had a mild cold.
Lucas wished he'd been there for her. He wished he had listened more. He wished that none of this had happened. If he had only been there for her. If he tried harder.
Maybe then she wouldn't have to go through this.
As her tape ended, he quickly clicked a button so it could replay once it had finished rewinding.
He couldn't lose her.
As tears ran down his face, he closed his eyes for a moment.
Lucas remembered how beautiful she had looked at the Snowball. Their first kiss. The moment he realized he loved her.
He loved Max.
No matter the arguing, how she distanced herself, or how she got angry at him so quickly, he still loved her. That would never change. Never.
Lucas didn't know if she felt the same. He didn't know if this was one-sided or not. It didn't matter to him.
Even if she didn't feel the same way, at least he could have this experience.
Lucas loved her.