The hardest thing for me is
Facing the fear I live
No one can help me now it's under my heart
I'll come to know the living
My demons are inside
I'll bring them all to light
I stand fixed in place by the captain's glare. Each time he moves up, my breath becomes shorter and my heart beats faster. He's moving quickly on the steps, approaching me so he can make me become a feystone.
My hand is being pulled to the side and I repeatedly hear the woman's voice, but I'm too scared to move my eyes away from the captain, to do anything.
When he is only a few steps away from me, I feel my body being suddenly lifted and pulled to the side. The unexpected movement makes me feel dizzy and disoriented.
"Hold onto me." The woman breathes into my ear as she moves away, carrying me like the caretakers sometimes carry the younger kids.
The captain stops, his eyes searching around. He seems to have picked up the sudden movement, and he's now looking in our direction. His face is scary, his eyes sharp. Those eyes would have been the last thing I saw before disappearing, had this woman not taken me away. I curl up against her body, wishing for her to keep me safe, and that's when I realize she is no longer holding my hand.
"Something the matter, Captain?" asks one of the guards. The captain barely shifts his eyes in his direction, and the woman takes a few steps down, although she isn't moving as fast as I'd like.
Out of nowhere, the captain creates something like a very long and straight knife. The woman has only the time to turn around before the captain slashes through the air with enough force for me to feel a gush of wind.
I hide my face against the woman's neck, too scared to keep watching what is happening, and I silently thank her for making me relieve myself earlier.
The woman stays still, holding me without making a move. After a very long and tense silence, the captain says "Must have been my imagination..." and the sound of his steps tells me he has started climbing the stairs again.
The woman lets out a sigh of relief and slumps to sit down on the stairs. Had she moved one step less, the knife-like thing the captain created would have hit us and probably cut us. She puts some more force in the arms surrounding me and lowers her head on my shoulder, just like I have done.
"That revolting pig..." she said, her voice carrying all sorts of bad feelings. "I'm glad I took you away before he... he... perverted sicko bastard..." I turn my head to look at her, but I can only see the bits of skin that I am touching. She sounds much angrier than before.
She takes a deep breath, followed by a long sigh. "Let's go, before he finds your makeshift stone and comes back to take his frustration out on us." she says, bending forward and shifting my body to put me down, but I hold onto her with my arms and legs before she can separate me from her body.
"You let go of my hand!" I realize only after saying it that it sounded like an accusation, but I don't care. She said not to let go no matter what, and yet she was the one to do it.
"I let...? You're right, I'm sorry... He was about to run into you, but no matter how much I called for you or pulled your hand, you didn't move... I didn't know what else to do..." She stays silent for a while and I start feeling guilty, as it was my fault in the first place that she had to let go of my hand. But couldn't she have picked me up without letting it go?
"You were petrified... Did that man... Did he do something to you?" She asks in a whisper.
I think about the answer. I've never even met the man, he didn't really do something to me, but I know he's the one who turned Quarta into a feystone. He told him that it wouldn't hurt, then he made him suffer endlessly. The captain must have covered his mouth, but I could still hear his pained and fearful screams, and I've had countless nightmares because of them.
"I've only heard his voice when he... came to ...turn Quarta into a feystone." My fingers dig deeper in the woman's clothes. Saying that out loud was much more difficult than I imagined. Wordlessly, the woman starts rubbing my back with her hands, giving me the strength to say the thing that scared me the most. "He... came for me today..." I feel myself shiver as I say it, and the back of my eyes gets hot.
"Wrong." the woman says, her voice much stronger than before. I wonder for a moment if she doesn't believe me. "Today he came to find a feystone made with your mana and your clothes covered in pee. He won't find you. He won't be able to hurt you in any way and, most importantly, he won't be able to enjoy having his way with you." she puts one hand on mine, squeezing it. "You are going to live. I won't let you die in this gods-forsaken place. But we need to move and go away if we want to be safe. Can you do it?"
Whether because she is holding my hand again, because she sounds so convinced, or because she reminds me that I can live if we go away, the fear that blocked me is dissolving into nothing. I straighten myself, finally aware that we are wasting time because of my hesitation. I turn the hand that the woman is holding so that I can hold hers back. "I can do it!" I declare, boldly.
"That's what I wanted to hear." Her voice is warm and encouraging. She stands up, setting my feet on the ground, and with her hand holding mine I make no move to resist. Even the sight of the stairs doesn't seem as scary as it was before, although I wouldn't be able to go down without her help.
"We're almost there. Once we get past the stairs, we shouldn't meet any more guards." she says as we move down.
Once we reach the bottom, instead of going straight for the windows as I was expecting to, we turn around the guard in a wide circle and go in the opposite direction.
"Aren't we going through the windows?" I have to say I'm a bit disappointed.
"If we go through the moonlight a well trained guard may be able to see our blurry shapes, and as for the windows, not even if the guards were asleep we would be able to open one without them noticing." she explains, leading me to a door at the back of the stairs. From here, I can't see neither the windows nor the guards. "Behind this door there's the corridor leading to the kitchen. There's nobody around now, and this..." the door opens without a sound, making me realize it doesn't have a knob "...is quiet enough that it won't alert the guards."
The corridor is colder than the other parts of the palace and, as the door closes behind us, it turns completely black. I squeeze the woman's hand harder, afraid that if I were to let go she would never be able to find me again. She says something I don't understand, and something similar to a light magic tool appears out of nowhere. It makes a beautiful white light that, instead of spreading all around, goes all in one direction like the moonlight that enters through the small windows of the boys' floor.
As I think about the light, we pass a few doors and I realize they are all closed. I start wondering if it's normal, and if it's the boys' floor that is the exception. I get suddenly alarmed as I hear voices coming from behind one of the doors, afraid that it might be more guards.
"Don't worry, those are the people who work here, you know... cooks, laundrymen... They won't come out at this hour." I've probably heard the words 'cooks' and 'laundrymen', but I can't seem to remember what they mean. As long as she says we are safe, though, I don't care what they are.
We reach the last door in the corridor, and the woman pushes it open much like she did with the other one. The moment I step inside, the scent of food finds its way to my nose and I take a deep breath, suddenly aware that I haven't eaten anything in more than two days.
Ghuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
There's a long, loud noise, so loud that it actually takes me a while to realize that it's coming from me. I feel my whole face grow hot in embarrassment and I look at the ground, wishing to hide myself. When I see the pavement where the woman's feet should be, I'm reminded that we are currently invisible thanks to the amulets we are wearing. Is there a chance that the little feystone I'm holding in my hand also made the sound unhearable to the woman?
"Pfff..." ...no such a chance. I move my head between my shoulders, mortified by the fact she doesn't even manage to hide her laughter, probably considering me unworthy of such courtesy.
It... it wasn't my choice to go without food for two days...
"Sorry, sorry..." she says, still laughing. "that took me by surprise, I'd have never thought to hear such a hearty sound coming from you..."
Her words make me feel even more mocked than her laughter. What does she mean? She didn't expect me to be able to feel hungry? And why does she speak like she already knows me? As I search in her words reasons to take offense, I feel her hand on my head, petting me.
"I know how demanding it is to fight the heat inside of you. I have food waiting for us where we are going, but let's take a look around and see if there's something ready to eat, since we're already in the kitchen." Somehow, I feel the annoyance for her laughing at me fading away. I still think the act was rude and uncalled for, but... it seems she did it with no ill intentions.
We move around the big room toward a wardrobe. When she opens it I can see pots and strangely shaped glasses in many different sizes, but there are no clothes inside. I see some of the glasses and the lids being moved around or floating in the air, as she probably is trying to see what is inside each of them.
"Cookies would be too much to ask for, but don't they have sugar, at least? It was imported from Lanzenave in the first place..." I hear her mutter things I don't understand, until she lifts one glass covered with a piece of cloth. "Oh! We can definitely take this." She says excitedly, and I try to figure out what's inside of it. As the glass floats between me and the wardrobe, I can only see there's a brownish liquid inside, before it disappears somewhere near the woman.
After quickly checking all the glasses in the wardrobe, we move near one of the tables. A white cloth is spread above it, covering something, and in one corner there's a strange looking container also covered with cloth. As the woman looks inside of it, I start staring at the container. It's made of something resembling wood, thin strands of it seem to be braided together in a simple and neat way, even though the resulting work is far more extended than a simple braid. I run my fingers on it, curious about this thing I've never seen before. When the woman sets the cloth back on the container, I realize it's made in a way that resembles cloth, rather than braids.
"Hard bread, as expected..." she mutters, sounding almost disappointed for reasons I don't understand. Bread was never my favorite food, but as hungry as I am right now, the name alone is enough to make my mouth water.
Ghhuuu-uuuu
As if on cue, my stomach makes itself known again. Fighting the embarrassment caused by the sound, I squeeze her hand and whisper "I'd like to have some bread, please..." while facing down, even though I know she can't see my face.
She stays silent for a while, making me wonder if there's something wrong with my request. "You must really be hungry..." She lifts the cloth again and takes a rounded, light brown something from the container. One side is cut and looks exactly like a slice of bread.
I feel her pulling on the hand she's holding. "I need to let go for a moment..." she says, making me panic. Why does she have to? What if, after letting go, she can't find me anymore and leaves me behind? What if someone comes while she's not holding my hand?
I shake my head, squeezing her hand as strong as I can and pulling it closer to my chest. "NO!" I almost scream. I'm not letting go, no matter what.
"Just a moment, I only need to cut the bread." I shake my head again, and she sighs in response.
"I'm sorry I let go of your hand earlier, but I'm not going anywhere." I feel her touching my head, petting me, and gently moving my hand until my arm is around her waist. "Hold onto me. The sooner I can cut the bread, the sooner we can get out of this place."
I realize that, once again, my fear is making us waste precious time. Forcing myself, I manage to get my hand open and let go of the woman's fingers, but as soon as my hand is empty I grab onto her clothing, needing something to make sure she won't leave me behind.
She says something, another word I don't know, and then one slice of bread gets separated from the rest and starts floating in front of me. Bread has never looked so tasty before.
I eagerly move to take it, but the magic tool in my hand makes it difficult for me to grab it. "It's the slice too big?" The woman asks me after a few failed attempts, as she moves the rest of the bread back in the container, covering it with the cloth.
"The magic tool..." I say, without adding more. I feel a bit self-conscious about the size of my hands, that seem to be smaller than those of other children my age -although I can't tell for sure, as there are no children my age at the boys' floor.
"I see..." she takes the hand gripping onto her clothes back into hers, and brings it in front of my face, palm up. "Put the magic tool here. Once you take the bread I'll explain how to make it invisible."
I look at the hand for a bit. This will make it easy for me to grab the bread, and I will also be able to hold her hand, but what about squeezing it?
After a few moments she moves my hand up and down and I take it as my cue to move the magic tool to the other hand, as I am both hungry and unwilling to waste more time. Though, I wish there was another solution.
Now that my hand is free I take the bread, wanting to wait for her instructions, but as soon as I have the exposed crumble right in front of my mouth, I eagerly bite on it.
'...Was bread always this good?' I wonder as I carefully chew it. Just as it is unexpectedly good, this bread is also unexpectedly hard to chew, and after the first bite my cheeks are already hurting. But I'm too hungry to stop just because of my cheeks.
"Concentrate a little more on the bread, you're doing great already. Imagine it being part of your clothes, or even better, imagine as it will soon be all in your belly." She says, and I remember she said I need to make the bread invisible. I try imagining it filling my stomach as she suggested, as it seems the easier thing to do.
"You've done it. You're really good at this..." Her voice sounds really pleased, and that gives me a feeling of accomplishment greater than going down the stairs.
"Can you walk while eating?" She asks me as she adjusts her grip on my hand. I try squeezing it back to say that I can, but only my fingertips actually touch her hand.
"Good." It seems she understood anyway. "We have still a bit of road ahead before we'll reach our destination and be safe, but once we go through that door, we'll finally be outside." She starts walking toward the door, and I hear the word repeating in my head.
Outside
I've dreamed of leaving the palace many times, gazed at the garden where the princesses receive men wishing it wasn't forbidden to us boys, and now I'm actually about to go outside. The thought is so unbelievable that I don't even know what to expect.
Just by leaving the boys' floor I've realized that things I thought I knew -stairs, windows, containers- can be completely different from what I had imagined before; thinking about how different the outside will be is actually a little scary.
As we reach the door, the woman turns a little object stuck right under the knob, causing some metallic sound coming from it.
"I'm turning off the light, we can't risk being seen." she says, and the room turns completely dark.
I stare as the door slowly opens, my eyes growing wide as I see everything is lit by moonlight. For the first time in my life, I'm about to step outside.