A/N: This is set during episode 7.16. What if Matt actually called Gabby like he wanted to after the chaplain left? This is my first time writing Dawsey so please be kind. Hope you enjoy it!
"If you won't talk to me, talk to someone. Anyone. I promise you, it will help."
The chaplain's words echoed in his head as he reached for his phone, only to quickly set it back down on the coffee table as he started to pace back and forth across the living room. There was only one person that Matt wanted to talk to right now, only one person who he knew would be able to help him quiet the racing thoughts that had taken over his mind.
He slowed his steps in front of the coffee table and picked up the phone again, pulling up Gabby's contact page. His finger hovered over the screen, still unsure about whether or not he should just give in and call her. They hadn't spoken in months, it wouldn't be fair to seek her out now just because he needed her. He'd worked so hard to try and move on, he couldn't just go back now.
He knew he shouldn't, he knew he had to learn to live without her, but right now none of that seemed to matter. Right now, all he wanted, all he needed was to hear her voice. He quickly hit the call button before he could talk himself out of it.
He held his breath as he waited through one ring then another and one more before the line finally clicked open.
"Hello. Matt? Is everything okay?" her soft slightly groggy voice greeted him and Matt silently cursed himself for not checking the time first.
"Gabby, hi. I'm sorry, I uh…didn't mean to call so late."
"No, no it's fine. Don't worry about it. Are you alright?" Her voice was much clearer now that she was fully alert and the initial shock was starting to wear off.
The last thing that she had expected was to get a call from Matt. It had been months since they last had any contact. Ever since their divorce had been finalized, it was like they'd just been cut out of each other's lives. She knew that was how divorces usually went, but it still hurt her soul to think that she and Matt would no longer be a part of each other's lives. Even though they had split up before, they had always had work and their friendship to connect them, but now even that seemed to be gone.
"Yeah I'm fine…um everything is alright. I just uh…I just wanted to…" he stammered nervously. Why was this so damn hard? Talking to Gabby used to be the easiest thing in the world and now he could barely get through a sentence without stumbling all over his words.
"Did something happen Matt?" she gently prompted him. It wasn't like Matt to have so much trouble expressing himself, not with her anyway. Or at least he never used to, but maybe this unusual awkwardness was just another sad part of their new reality.
Matt took a deep breath and sat back down on the couch trying to gather his thoughts.
"We had a tough call last shift," he started. "It, uh, was a suicide call. We were brought in to assist the police with a forcible entry. The door was barricaded, so they needed us to get them inside. When we were able to get the door open, they went in and the guy was already dead from a gunshot wound." Matt sighed and took a second to compose himself.
"As we were leaving the house," he continued. "I heard a noise, so I went back to check and this guy just came out of nowhere. It turns out it was the victim's brother. He had a gun and was just going on about how he made him do it and I was trying to get him to calm down and talk but he wasn't exactly receptive. We, uh, scuffled a little and he, um, he took a shot at me."
"What?" Gabby gasped as she immediately switched the call to FaceTime.
Matt winced a little as he quickly accepted the FaceTime call. He should have known she wouldn't take that part well.
"I'm fine, Gabby. Really." He said as soon as her face came up on the screen.
"Well, forgive me for needing to see for myself." Gabby was relieved to see that Matt wasn't calling her from a hospital bed, so she knew he likely wasn't hurt. She truly believed in her heart that Matt wouldn't have kept something like that from her, but she needed to actually see him to reassure herself that he was physically okay.
"And you might not be injured, but that doesn't mean you're fine," she continued. She could see the pain in his eyes. He was obviously struggling with something.
He sighed and looked down. Even after all this time, after everything that had happened between them, she could still see right through him. He looked back up at her and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.
"The shot that missed me," he started, his voice cracking a little as tears started to prick the corner of his eyes. "That was the second time he pulled the trigger. The first time, I was staring down the barrel and the gun jammed."
Gabby gasped softly and her hand shot up to cover her mouth as she realized just how close to death Matt had come. But she couldn't let herself fall apart right now, not when Matt needed her. She had to be strong for him. There would be plenty of time for a breakdown later. So she quickly regained her composure, and held his gaze as she waited for him to continue.
"That's the only reason I'm alive right now. A one in a thousand chance…" he trailed off, still struggling to comprehend how that could have happened. "Why didn't it go off the first time? How am I still here?" he sighed and shook his head, letting a few tears escape his eyes before roughly wiping them away.
Her heart broke for him. While this certainly wasn't his first close call, it was obvious that it had shook him to the core. She hated seeing him in so much pain, hated that she couldn't hold him, comfort him the way she had done so many times in the past.
"Matt, baby," the term of endearment slipped past her lips before she could stop it. "You can't think of it like that. The gun jammed because it wasn't your time."
"It can't be that simple, Gabby," he shot back with exasperation.
"It has to be that simple, Matt," she replied emphatically. "Otherwise, you're going to drive yourself crazy trying to find an explanation that just isn't there. Believe me, I know. I've been asking myself the same kind of questions for over four years now."
Shay's death wasn't something she spoke about often, but the truth was that she had never truly been able to shake the guilt that she felt over it. She'd moved on, accepted the fact that she had survived because it hadn't been her time yet, but that didn't mean that she wasn't still plagued by "what ifs". What if she hadn't told Shay to switch places with her? What if she'd been able to get to her sooner after the blast? What if she'd never decided to go to the Fire Academy to begin with? It was an albatross she wouldn't wish on anyone, especially Matt. Matt was kind and caring and devoted to helping others any way he could. He survived because the world needed more people like him.
Matt sighed as he let Gabby's words sink in. He knew she was right but he couldn't help the unsettling feelings that had taken hold of him.
"Matt, look at me," she continued, waiting until his eyes met hers. She could see him retreating into himself, and she needed to be sure he was really listening to her. They locked eyes through the screen and she continued gently, "I know it feels like there should be more to it, but the truth is, you survived because you weren't meant to die that day. All you can do now is accept that it was a blessing, be grateful for it, and make the most of it. It's the only way to keep moving forward."
"Is that what you did? After Shay?" he asked carefully. He knew Gabby didn't like talking about Shay's death and he'd never pushed her before, but right now he felt like he really needed to know.
Gabby let out a shaky breath and thought about the best way to answer. Opening up about Shay's death had always been hard for her, even with Matt. She loved Matt more than anything, but being vulnerable like that had always been a struggle for her. Ever since she was little, whether it was holding her own in a fight with Antonio or going toe to toe with the mean girls in school, Gabby always took pride in being able to take care of herself. She'd always felt that her fierce independence was one of her greatest attributes, but she'd come to realize, maybe a little too late, that it was also her achilles heel. She'd never quite figured out how to strike the balance between allowing herself to be vulnerable without feeling like she was losing herself.
"Not at first," she confessed quietly. "But eventually, I just had to accept that I'd never be able to explain why I was still here and Shay wasn't." Her voice faltered a little as tears sprang to her eyes. She cleared her throat and pressed on. "The only thing that I could do, was make damn sure that I made my time here as meaningful as possible. It's not always easy, you know. Some days are harder than others, but I figure if I can have a positive impact on the world, then that has to be reason enough. Every save I make, every person I manage to help in some way, is a reminder of that."
He nodded slowly and gave her a small smile. "Thank you for sharing that. I know how hard it is for you to talk about this stuff."
"Yeah, well I'm working on it," she teased with a smirk to try and lighten the mood a bit. "I hope I was able to help a little."
"You did. More than you know." He could already feel his anxiety slowly starting to dissipate. There was just something about talking to Gabby that always helped. No matter what was bothering him, no matter what he was going through, she always found a way to make things better.
"Good. I'm glad," she smiled softly.
"I mean it Gabby, thank you. Thank you for being here for me. It means a lot," he said gratefully.
"I told you a long time ago, that would never change," she reminded him. "I meant it. I'll always be there for you, Matt."
He gave her a shy smile and looked down a little. He remembered when she made him that promise. They hadn't even been together yet. He'd thanked her for always being there for him and she just smiled and said "that'll never change" as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. It wasn't some big declaration or grand gesture. It was just a fact, plain and simple. But that seemed like a lifetime ago now. Nothing between them was plain or simple anymore. It was messy and complicated, and he still couldn't wrap his head around how they'd gotten here. How everything had fallen apart so quickly.
He looked up at her, really looked at her for the first time since the call had switched to video. She looked different, but still as breathtaking as ever. She'd cut her hair short, probably in deference to working in the hot Puerto Rican sun all day. It had that tousled freshly washed look and he could almost feel its silky softness under his fingers. He remembered how he used to spend hours running his fingers through her hair, gently lulling her to sleep as she curled up next to him on the couch after a long shift.
Her eyes glistened in the darkened room, and he let himself get lost in them, lost in the rich brown flecked with gold that always spoke volumes to him. He could see hesitation and a flicker of sadness in them now. But there was something else beyond that, something that was just out of reach. He could have sworn it was wistfulness or maybe longing, but he couldn't quite tell. Whatever it was, it disappeared before he could fully grasp it.
He was staring at her, his piercing blue eyes looking straight through to her soul. Her heartbeat quickened under his intense gaze and all the feelings she'd worked so hard to bury came rushing back. She knew in her heart that she'd never love anyone the way she loved Matt, but life had pulled them in different directions and in the end, they'd both just let go. She'd finally convinced herself that it was probably for the best, but deep down she knew it wasn't true. All it took was looking into Matt's eyes to remind her of how much she still loved him. She bit her tongue a little to keep her from telling him that she missed him, that she wished things could be different, that they could work things out. But she knew it wouldn't be fair to him, and she couldn't bear the thought of hurting him anymore than she already had. So she quickly tucked all those feelings away, hoping her eyes wouldn't give her away.
They stayed like that for several more moments, staring into each other's eyes through the screen. Neither knowing what to say next and neither wanting the call to end just yet.
"What the hell are we doing, Gabby?" Matt finally broke the spell.
"What? What are you talking about?" she asked slightly bewildered.
He knew he probably shouldn't have said anything, should have just let sleeping dogs lie. But he was tired of lying to himself, tired of pretending that he'd moved on , and that's exactly what he'd been doing: pretending. Because there's no way that he could ever move on from Gabby, it just wasn't possible. He knew in his heart that she felt the same way about him. He could see it in her eyes despite her best efforts to hide it.
"When I was staring down the barrel of that gun yesterday, I truly thought that I was about to die and all I could see was your face, all I could think of was how I would never get to see you again," he revealed, knowing that was a big part of the reason why he'd been feeling so unsettled. "How did we just let it all fall apart?"
Gabby took a deep breath and fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. "You know it's not that simple, Matt."
She'd pictured this moment thousands of times in her mind. How she and Matt would somehow find their way back into each other's lives again. How they could try to find a way past everything that had torn them apart. But she never dared to think that it would actually be possible, that they could ever go back to how things were before.
"Look, I know we have a lot of things to work through. I get that." He conceded when he saw her hesitation. "But don't we owe it to ourselves to at least try?"
"You really mean that? Even after everything that's happened?" she asked, still not quite believing that this was actually happening, that it wasn't all just a dream.
"It's the only thing that makes sense, Gabby. That hasn't changed either," he smiled as he reminded her of what he told her all those years ago, when he vowed that he would never let her walk out of his life again. He'd failed to keep that promise, but he was more determined than ever to make up for that mistake.
"So what do you have in mind exactly?" she asked, still trying to process what this all meant. How were they even going to do this when they were thousands of miles apart?
"What if we start slow?" he suggested. "Like, maybe I could call you even when I'm not going through an existential crisis?"
"I'd like that," she admitted with a smile. "And maybe I could call you, just because…"
"I'd really like that too," he smiled back and felt a rush of relief wash over him. For the first time in months, he finally felt like everything would be okay. He saw her stifle a yawn and realized just how late it was. "It's getting pretty late. I guess I should let you go and get some rest."
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. I do have a pretty early start tomorrow," she admitted.
"Well then, that settles it. Time for bed young lady, no arguments," he playfully scolded her and was rewarded by the sweet sound of her laugh.
"Okay, okay," she put a hand up in surrender. "I guess we should call it a night. But we'll talk again soon right?" she asked hopefully.
"Definitely," he assured her with absolute conviction. They were getting another chance and he wasn't going to waste it. They would find their way back and come out stronger than ever, he was sure of it.
"Alright then, goodnight Matt."
"Goodnight Gabby," he replied softly. "Talk to you later," he added as he got ready to end the call. It was something he'd taken to saying ever since she'd asked him to never say goodbye to her again.
"Talk to you later." She returned his promise before reluctantly ending the call with a small wave and a sleepy smile.
Gabby sighed and set her phone back down on the nightstand, still reeling from everything that had just happened. Feelings of relief, gratitude and hope all hit her at once and unleashed the tears she'd been holding back until now. She gently wiped them away as she laid back against the pillows and settled in for what promised to be the most restful night's sleep she'd had in months. She knew she and Matt had a long road ahead of them, but for the first time in a long time, she truly believed that they would be able to find a way to make it through.