A second was all it took to shatter my resolve.
A second of his lips on mine, his hands gentle yet forceful as he held my face in his hands, pulling me into him. He felt like the heaven I never thought I'd feel again.
One second was all it took for me to drown in Jacob Black's kiss.
—-
I still remember the moment just before I threw myself off the edge of the cliff.
My body is already pumped full of adrenaline from taking just a small glance over the side of the rocks, but I am so completely focused on hearing Edward's voice again that I can't let myself think about the fear threatening to creep in. If I lose my resolve, I'll lose him, too.
So I jump.
The air rushes around me, and in the hangtime, I find my heart in my throat, every cell in my body asking me WHY I did this to myself. It probably takes about seven seconds to reach the water, but I swear I feel the time slow down until seconds drag on into minutes.
If I had bothered to ask Jacob what cliff diving was like before committing myself to throwing myself off the side of a mountain, I might have known to expect the way my heart hammers in my chest a thousand times a second, like it suddenly belongs in the chest of a hummingbird instead of my frail, mortal body.
Truly, that's what I spend the majority of the drop realizing.
Just how mortal I am.
When the water swallows me, icy fingers gripping me tightly as gravity hurtles me downward, that's when the panic sets in.
I fight for the surface, and manage to stay there for a few blissful seconds before the waves crash over me again. I'm pulled under the water, and I feel more helpless than I ever have in my life. My drive to survive kicks in, so I struggle again, trying to reach the surface, but the surface seems to only get further and further away from me no matter how hard I swim for it. I don't know how long I fight the currents, but surely, it's long enough that my weak, mortal body gives up.
Of course, I don't remember Jacob pulling me from the water. But suddenly, when I open my eyes, there he is, soaking wet and looking more miserable than I have ever seen him before.
There is definitely a part of me that is still wishing it would be Edward who I see when I open my eyes once more, even if it is just the ghost of him. I'd just thrown myself off a cliff at least a hundred feet high and nearly died, the least the Edward of my subconscious could do was check to make sure I am okay. But… he isn't here.
All I can see is the terrified expression of the boy who had become my best friend when I needed a friend more than anything. He stares down at me, a mix of relief and disbelief in his eyes as I slowly come to and settle back into my body.
"Bella," he cries weakly, like saying my name aloud makes me more real to him as I sputter the water out of my lungs.
"Jacob…" I manage to cough out weakly. My chest is on fire, my head is pounding, and every inch of my skin feels numb from the freezing water. And yet, none of it is as painful as the look on Jacob's face as the anger begins to set into his features.
"What were you thinking?" he almost spits at me, the betrayal he is surely and plainly feeling seeping into every word. "You could have died! What made you think it was a good idea to cliff dive, during high tide, on your own?"
His hands are warm. That's the first thing I catch myself thinking as he slowly pulls me by my arms to help me to sit up. When he wraps me in a tight hug, the kind of hug you share with someone you thought you'd never get to hug again, dripping in unspoken feeling and desperation and gratitude, all I can think is that every part of him was warm. There is nothing I want more than for him to share that warmth with me right now, and I let myself think it's just because it's cold.
I hug him back, not replying. I choke out a little sob, emotion swirling to the top of my throat and threatening to explode the dam I'd kept them in as best I could for over seven months. I hug him tightly, my arms wrapping around his waist, gripping onto him like he is the lifeboat keeping me afloat. Like letting go means I will surely drown myself in my sorrow.
No amount of reckless behavior would make Edward stay with me. No amount of adrenaline would be enough to keep him by my side where I can see him and pretend he never left in the first place. If this doesn't prove that, nothing will, and this realization is colder to me than the ocean I could've just lost my life in.
Edward isn't here.
But Jacob is. So, I hold onto him for dear life.
Maybe it's selfish of me. Maybe I'm horrible to take so much pleasure in having someone here who cares so deeply for me, and to use them like a bandaid for my broken heart.
Or maybe I'm too stubborn to see the truth of my feelings.
No, I'm definitely selfish. The love I feel for Edward was real. I can't let myself forget that. If I do, how will I know he ever existed to begin with?
Jacob finally pulls away from me, and I can see he's got a bit of water in his eyes, too. "I'm just glad you're alive." His voice is low, dangerous, strained. His brows furrow a bit, and he takes a breath to steady himself. "I don't think I could handle two deaths today…"
I feel my heart skip a beat. Two deaths? "Wha- who-?" I sputter, not really knowing what to say or how to ask in my shocked state of mind.
His sad eyes meet mine. "Harry Clearwater had a heart attack. Your father and mine are with his family right now."
A hole punches through my chest. I'm not particularly close to Harry, but he is a dear friend of my father's. Was.
I think of his family, of what it would be like to lose a father. I can't imagine losing Charlie like that.
Jacob sighs, his head rocking back a little bit as he lets out that deep breath. "Let me take you home so we can get you warmed up. You'll catch a cold like this," he tells me, and I can tell he's changing the subject to a topic that makes him feel some semblance of control. He can't help Harry, but he can help me, so that's what he's putting his mind to.
Truth be told, I like how it feels to have him worry over me. I want to take care of me. A small "thank you," leaves my lips, barely over a breath, as his arms slide underneath my legs and behind my back. He pulls me against him and lifts me like I'm weightless, and the warmth of his chest envelopes me again. I breathe in deeply. I can still smell the seawater on him, crisp and biting like the ocean itself, but he also smells earthy, like the smell of trees after a rainstorm. Something else hides in the scent, too, but I can't piece out what it is. Like the rest of him, the only description I can muster is warm.
Jacob takes me down the cliff face, down to where I parked my truck, and sets me gently in the passenger seat. His hands deftly grab the blanket from the small space between the seat and the wall of the cabin, and in seconds, it's wrapped completely around me. I still miss his warm body against mine, but I'm afraid to admit that too deeply to myself, much less to him. I have to think about what saying something like that would mean to him. I might be being selfish by keeping him in my life, but I don't have to be cruel or inconsiderate.
He opens the other door and slides into the driver's seat. He seems to fill up more of the space than he did not a few months ago, and I don't just mean because of the fifty pounds of muscle mass he's added since becoming a werewolf. His presence is just something I feel, something I can't overlook as easily now. I can't seem to tear my eyes off of him as he pulls my truck onto the highway and starts driving me home.
I must be waterlogged. Or in shock. Surely, I'm not contemplating how magnetic Jacob Black is to me right now. I shake my head a little, and the motion exposes a bit of cold, damp skin to the air of the cabin that hasn't warmed up yet. A shiver runs down my body, and I hear him chuckle for just a second.
"You know, I'm a hundred and eight degrees over here," he says, inviting me to scoot closer to him on the truck's bench seat.
Screw it, I'm cold.
I convince myself that is the only reason as I give into his request, snuggling into his side as he lifts his right arm to make a spot for me against him. That damn heat seeps into me almost immediately. I'd press the entire length of my body against him right now if the dimensions of the truck allowed for it.
Again, I remind myself it's only because I'm cold. No other reason.
I feel him lay his cheek against the top of my head for a moment, and a small sigh of contentment leaves him. I know if I looked up at his face right now, I'd see a small smile on his face to go with it. I choose not to look up. I know what his smile looks like, and can easily picture it in my head. Plus, I'm comfortable where I am, his arm draped around me as my skin finally, blessedly, begins to thaw.
I press my hands into his side, and almost moan. "God, my hands are freezing!" I yelp. Even through his shirt, his skin is so warm it almost burns my ice cold fingers.
He snickers a little bit at me. This time, I do look up, and find a toothy grin on his lips. He wiggles an eyebrow at me. "What?" I ask him. "It must be nice to not get cold. The rest of us… not so lucky."
"It's a wolf thing," he says, and finally, the music of his laughter is back in his voice. That makes me happy. Any amount of time where Jacob is sad is too much time.
I press my lips together in an attempt to hide my smile as I shake my head. "No, it's not," I say assertively.
He gives me a look, somewhere between skepticism and intrigue. "Oh yeah? What is it, then, since you know so much?"
I shrug. "It's a Jacob thing. You're just… warm," I admit. I've thought it at least a dozen times since he pulled me from the water, yet saying it out loud has me feeling a little vulnerable, like I'm seven years old and admitting I have a crush to my best friend. I do the brave thing and keep talking, anyway. "You're like your own sun."
Maybe… maybe I am admitting I have a crush to my best friend.
No, that can't be right. And even if it is, I don't think he caught that. He smiles warmly again, seeming touched by the sentiment, and for a moment, I think that this feeling I'm imagining between us will pass undetected. He doesn't say anything for a pause, but pulls me against him again. It feels wrong, how right it feels to be curled into his side. To feel the warmth of someone's body, rather than being the warmth for someone else.
"This is better. You knowing about me, about what I am. Being able to share this with you," he tells me. Genuine relief is on his face, and for the first time, I consider how hard it must have been for him to tell me to leave and not come back when I first confronted him, trying to get him to open up to me.
I think deep down, I've always known that Jacob Black was in love with me.
I've just always been too in love with Edward to let myself admit that I love Jacob, too.
The shock is starting to wear off now. I'm warm, I'm safe, and I'm happy to be sitting where I am, next to someone who loves me.
Maybe it isn't the shock talking anymore. Maybe it's just me… the me I've been too afraid to be, for far too long. If I can conquer a hundred-foot cliff, I should be able to conquer my own emotions.
But damn, thoughts like that still scare the hell out of me.
I had been expecting him to go on, but he doesn't, and the absence of his voice is giving me far too much time to think. Something hangs in the small silence between us, until finally, I say, "But…?", trying to encourage him to say what he needs to get off his chest.
He sighs deeply, his grip tightening on the steering wheel for a second before relaxing again. He tears his dark eyes off of the road for just a moment so he can look at me, before turning his attention back to it again. We're pulling up to my house already, so I give him the few seconds of time it takes to pull into my driveway and cut the engine before he has to speak again, but my anxiety is already filling me to the brim so badly that I have to stop myself from shaking.
"But you saw what happened to Emily."
The words punch through the silence, and I'm too stunned to reply. That's the last thing I expected him to bring up right now. Because not only does that mean he did not fail to catch the hint I only half-wanted him to pick up on, and not only does it mean that he's likely been thinking the same thing as me this whole time - how nice it feels to just be close to one another. It also means that he's been thinking further ahead than that. I know he loves me, but he knows I've always made sure I wasn't leading him on. At least, as best as I could.
This conversation can't be different. I can't let it be. The fear starts to creep in, but so does something I was entirely unprepared to feel up until the moment it happens.
I feel hopeful.
God, my emotions are a wreck right now. How can I both be scared of what he's saying, and hopeful that he'll say more?
"Sam got angry, lost it for a split second… and Em was standing too close. He will never be able to take that back," he says, his voice as raw as his expression. "What if… what if I got mad at you?" He lets out another shaky breath, and what he hasn't said is clear as day.
What if we were together?
"Look," I start to say, shifting against him but not pulling away. I don't know how I feel about that thought, about being together. But I do know that he is my best friend. "You don't need to hear this from me, but I'm going to say it anyway. I will always say this to you, whenever you need to hear it. You are never going to lose yourself, Jacob. I won't let it happen." I crane my neck to look up at him. God, when did he get so much taller than me?
"How? How will you stop it?" His eyes plead with me, and I know he wants to believe me when I say this, but doesn't know how to.
I smile softly, a hand touching his face for just a second before I let it drop back into my lap, covering it in the blanket once again. "Because I'll tell you all the time just how special you are."
His face turns toward me again. His lips are just a breath away from mine. I know I should turn away, I know the part of me that clings desperately to Edward's memory is furious that I haven't moved already done so. And yet, electricity seems to spark between us as he shares a single breath with me, the sweet air soft on my face.
But my heart beats a second time, and that's all the time it takes for my resolve to come back. Finally, I turn away.
I can feel his disappointment change the air around us. It's thick, like Florida humidity, but I can't take back my rejection now. My resolve settles in my chest, reminding me this is what I've committed myself to. I'm committed to feeling sad about Edward, because being sad about him is better than forgetting he exists.
Looking at Jacob right now is the first time I've felt truly guilty about that choice, but I can't give in. This resolve is all I have left right now. Without it, I don't know who I am.
"Thank you for everything, Jacob," I offer. If I can't show him the feelings he's shown me, the least I can show him is gratitude. "Thank you for saving me, and for driving me home."
He doesn't say anything back, just nods. I get it. After a beat, I nod curtly and sigh, pulling away from his embrace. My skin instantly protests the sudden drop in temperature, but I don't let that stop me. I turn toward the door, my hand pulling on the latch and pushing the door open to get out.
"Wait!" Jacob says suddenly. Before I can think, he's reaching across me and closing the door again.
I look at him, both shocked and slightly annoyed. "What, Jake?"
His eyes, already deep with the heavy emotions of the night, darken even more. "There's a vampire here," he says with complete certainty.
I raise an eyebrow at him, but I find myself wondering if he can hear how my heart is pounding in my chest already with hope of a different kind. Maybe… I let myself think. "How can you tell?" I try not to sound too optimistic.
His face sets into harsh lines. "I can smell it."
I sigh and shake my head, before looking around. And then I catch it. But no, it couldn't be… could it?
"I'm getting out. That's Carlisle's car! They're here!" My fingers fly to the door handle again, and before Jake can stop me, I throw myself out of the truck and onto the driveway.
He wastes no time getting out of the truck to follow me, already protesting my actions. "Bella, stop! It's a trick. Stop!" he cries. I can hear the pain in his voice as he comes around the front of the truck, hurrying after me. It's pain mixed with sharp fear. I know I should care about that, but the hope pumping through my veins cannot be ignored.
"Jacob, they're not going to hurt me," I say, waving him off as I turn my back on him, hurrying toward my door.
He grabs my arm, and not very gently. "Bella, wait! If a Cullen is back, this is their territory. I can't defend you here. If they hurt you, there's nothing I can do about it. Please, just wait!" He pulls on my arm again, and I can feel the desperation coming off him from it. "I can't protect you from them," he says, heartbroken already.
I spin on my heels to him. "Good, because you don't have to." My words are sharper than they probably needed to be, but seriously, I'm getting annoyed. The Cullens have never hurt me. I was safe with them long before Jacob ever turned into a werewolf. I didn't need him to protect me then, and I don't need him to protect me now.
His eyes are filled with such deep pain and worry that it's hard to ignore it, even with my entire body begging me to go inside and see if Edward is in there, waiting for me. His pain hurts me, too. I don't like treating Jake so callously, but every second I spend not knowing if Edward is currently standing in my living room is unbearable. "You're about to cross a line, Bella," he says to me, pleading.
"Then don't draw one! Please."
If a heart breaking made a noise, I would have heard it. Instead, all I hear is silence. When he says nothing back to that, I spin around again and rush inside.
The moment my feet land inside the door, I can feel the air change again. I can't smell them like Jacob can, but it's almost like I can feel them. I look around wildly, looking for the handsome face I've done a lengthy list of crazy things trying to see.
Instead, I find Alice, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the livingroom. She's dressed well, as always, and nothing about her seems to have changed at all. "Alice!"
If it couldn't be him… I'm so, so glad that it's her.
She rushes over to me and hugs me so tightly. I almost forgot how strong vampires are.
When she pulls away from me, I can't quite understand what she says. "You're dead!" she cries out.
I'm so confused. "What are you-?"
"I'm sorry, I just…" she trails off for a second, and then pulls me close to her once more. "I just can't believe you're really here."
I worm myself free from her hug to look at her. I swear, I waited as long as I possibly could, but I have to ask. "Is…?"
Yeah, I really asked. It doesn't matter though. She knows what I want to know.
She shakes her head. It only lasts a second, but it shatters my world all over again. I drop onto the couch, my legs suddenly feeling weak as the air is sucked out of my chest all over again.
This is worse than the fall off the cliff, without a doubt.
She sits next to me quickly. "Do you want to explain to me how you're alive?" she says haughtily.
I give her a confused look one more time. "What?"
"You jumped off of a cliff! Bella, why in the hell would you try to kill yourself? What about Charlie, or your mom, or-"
I laugh. I don't mean to, but I do. "I did not try to kill myself."
Now it's her turn to pause. Her golden eyes peer at me, matching the confusion I had not moments ago, and her dark eyebrows knit together. "What do you mean? I saw you jump. Bella, that cliff was huge! You shouldn't be alive right now."
I laugh once again. "I was cliff diving, Alice. It was recreational," I tell her, tagging a mostly on inside my head. She seems absolutely stunned, so for effect I add, "It was… fun." I know without a doubt that I don't sound convincing, but I think putting too much more effort into trying to sound convincing will just make her ask questions I don't have the heart or energy to answer.
It takes her a moment to process and analyze my words. I watch her go through several emotions, and I could only name about half of them, but I know that among them are relief, disbelief, and pure, unadulterated amusement.
"Bella, you are ridiculous! I've never known anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy, and you truly thought that cliff diving would be a good hobby to pick up?" Her voice now carries a note of enjoyment at the irony. Even if it's at my expense, I'll take that over concern or irritation any day.
God, I missed her.
But I miss him, too. I can't stop myself, I have to ask again. "Did you tell… him, about it?"
She shakes her head again, and again, my heart drops. "No. He- he doesn't call often. Once every few months. He said he just wants to be alone." She takes a breath. "He- Bella, what is that god awful wet dog smell?"
I laugh for a second, but before I can speak, I hear a voice from the landing of the front door. "That's probably me," Jacob's voice calls to my right.
I turn to look at him. The way he's standing there, brooding, and dare I say it, beautiful, I can't help myself. My heart skips a beat.
He came back for me.
That's something Edward never did.
"Jake!" His name leaves my lips without a thought. I'm genuinely excited to see him again, even just five minutes after he left. I don't know when I became this affected by his presence, but for reasons I don't want to acknowledge, I doubt it's going away any time soon.
Alice turns to give me a quizzical look, clearly not having the same impact to his appearance. Her face shows a look far closer to disgust than I imagine mine looks right now. I blush a little bit as I tell her, "Jacob is kind of a werewolf."
"Bella!" Alice exclaims, more shocked than I have ever seen her be before. "Werewolves are not good company to keep!" she scolds me.
Jake scoffs, his arms firmly crossed across his chest. "Speak for yourself, bloodsucker." He turns to me, and his expression softens instantly. There it is again. The silence between us that speaks volumes. "I just had to see that you were safe," he says, breathing out raggedly as he tries to steady himself.
I can't help but feel an emotion I don't want to name crescendo in my chest. If I admit I'm swooning, what does that mean for me? "I thought you couldn't protect me here," I tease softly.
He smiles, but it's not the smile I love. It's a rueful, serious smile, like he sees the humor but it doesn't fully reach his heart. "I guess I don't care," he says with a shrug.
Alice looks between him and I, studying the interaction quizzically before a look appears on her face of surprise. "Well, I'm not going to hurt her," she says incredulously, like she was genuinely hurt by the assumption. Jacob doesn't know her, and has no reason to trust her, but I can't deny I'm a little upset he didn't trust me, too.
"No, you're just a harmless Cullen. We're talking about the other bloodsucker. The one who tried to kill Bella because you all left her here, alone."
Alice's gold eyes widen, fear and shock inside them now. "Victoria? Victoria is here?" She looks over to me in disbelief. "I didn't see her."
I shrug. "I haven't either, but I know she's been around." I don't want to let on how deeply it's been worrying me. I don't want to make Alice feel guilty. Or maybe I just don't want to admit how afraid I was, and how afraid I am that she'll leave again. Even if she's not Edward, part of me hopes that with her here, Victoria will leave me alone.
And then Jake wouldn't be risking his life trying to hunt her down. None of his pack would be.
Alice's eyes flutter for a moment, before frustration washes over her features like a violent tide. "I didn't see you get pulled out of the water, either…" she trails off for a moment. She takes a breath in, and I imagine that she's smelling the air. Smelling the water that still dampens Jacob's shirt.
She slowly climbs to her feet, turning to him with nothing short of rage. "I can't see anything past you and your pack of mutts."
Violence flashes in Jacob's eyes. I flash back to the movie theater when Jacob almost laid Mike out for just speaking at an inconvenient time. Alice just insulted his pack, and I'm suddenly terrified. I'm not sure who I'm more afraid for.
"Don't get me upset," he growls lowly, his arms dropping to his side as he pushes his shoulders back. For a second, I look around at all of the breakable thing in Charlie's plain but functional living room, and I know without hesitation that I need to deescalate this situation, and fast.
I leap to my feet and fly to where Jake is standing. Pressing my hands into his chest, I look him in the eyes, hoping he does the same to me. "Jake! Jake, calm down. Stop before this gets ugly in the middle of my living room."
After a pause, he finally looks away from Alice to me. I cast a glance over my shoulder at her, imploring her to give us some space so I can calm him down before his shifting wrecks Charlie's prized possession: his TV.
Alice sighs, her hair bouncing slightly as she shakes her head at me. "I'll give you a minute, I guess." She turns to walk through the kitchen and out the back door.
A panic I hadn't anticipated rises inside me. "Wait, Alice! You're not going to leave, right? You'll come back?" I didn't mean to sound so desperate, but the wound Edward left inside me suddenly feels raw, fresh.
She turns to me, and with a wry smile, she assures me, "As soon as you put the dog out." A corner of her mouth ticks upward in amusement at her own quip, and she turns back once more to stride out the back door.
The latch closes with a small click before Jacob starts to relax at all. He doesn't look at me right away, his eyes still latched onto the door she left through, but eventually, he peels his gaze away from it, and I know he must be somewhat confident she won't be coming back in.
Finally, those dark brown eyes find me. I can see so many things in his eyes now, things I never used to be able to pick up on. But mostly, all I see is worry. "Is he-" he stops himself. "How many are here? Do you know how long they'll stay?"
I'm shocked he was able to talk business when he's looking at me like he is. He might think I haven't noticed his eyes scanning every inch of me, searching for any sign of injury like I'm the most delicate and precious porcelain in the world, but I have. "No, he's not here. It's just Alice. And I don't know how long she'll be here, but she is welcome to stay as long as she likes. This is her home, too, Jake." He looks less than pleased by my answer.
"Are the rest going to come back, too?" he bites out unhappily.
I had hoped this wasn't going to be his reaction, but clearly, territory is the only thing that is important to him right now. "Not that I know of." My tone is sharp, too. I don't know what I had hoped he would say right now, but that wasn't it, and admitting out loud that Edward has no intention of coming back hurts me more than I think Jacob realizes. "Anything else? Because you can probably just run back to Sam, now. That's your duty, right?"
Or maybe he does realize. Instead of taking my bait, I see my pain play across his face, his lips turning downward into a deep, miserable frown. "I've done it again. I just keep on breaking my promise to you. I keep hurting you." The shame in his voice is palpable.
I want to let him off the hook. I want to make it go away for him, to make it go away for me. The distance between us is so vast. No matter how warm he is, how sweet and funny and caring and damn good looking he is, I will never love him the way he deserves to be loved. The way he loves me. "We don't have to do this to each other, Jake…" I say half-heartedly.
Half-heartedly, because the truth is that I still want him in my life. I still need him like I need air, and he's still the life boat I want nothing more than to cling to until the choppy waters calm down and I don't feel like I'm going to die. Or that I want to die.
His eyes burn when he looks at me now. "Yes we do, Bella."
I can't seem to draw in a breath. Every muscle in my body tenses, waiting for a sign. Waiting for permission from something outside of myself to hope, to want, to dream of us without hurting. I search my soul for shame, because surely, shame is what I should feel right now, looking at Jacob and wanting him.
I should be ashamed. By wanting Jake, I'm turning my back on everything that has defined me since the moment I walked into that science class room for the first time and met Edward's golden eyes.
But the shame never surfaces, if it is there at all.
I try to convince myself that maybe my body is still in shock from the fall, after all, but I know deep down that isn't the case.
And when Jacob closes the difference between us, towering over me and backing me against a wall, trapping me there between it and his body, my heart flutters. My head tilts up toward his ever so slightly, and his tilts down toward mine in turn. Every second, my heart beats louder in my chest. I'm certain he has to be able to hear it, hear the thrumming of my pulse, until I remember he isn't a vampire. And I shock myself when I find myself so incredibly glad for that.
His hands delicately reach up to my face again. This time, the anxiety in my stomach isn't fear, but butterflies, and I know that if he tries to kiss me right now, I will let him. I question where my resolve went, the resolve I had not to fall for Jacob Black, or to fall for anyone. The resolve I had to stay faithful to Edward Cullen, even after he left me here alone. Left me vulnerable. Left me for dead.
It's gone.
Jake leans in close. His voice is breathy, pleading, and desperate. The words he says next rock me to my core.
"Stay with me forever," he whispers.
And then, he closes the space between our lips. He's so, so gentle at first, almost as if he's afraid that I'll pull away again any second. I can't blame him for that. It wouldn't be the first time. Hell, it wouldn't be the first time today.
But I don't turn away. I let him lean in and kiss me. I don't stop him. I don't stop myself. And when my body soars, every nerve firing, electricity passing under my skin at the heat of his kiss, I even let myself kiss him back.
The floodgates burst wide open. My resolve shatters.
It only takes a second, a single moment, but suddenly I'm drowning in his kiss, and I know that when I break the surface, I won't be the same person I was a few minutes ago. Everything I knew about myself is wrong.
Yes, I loved Edward. The lion and the lamb, like we said. But in this moment, every part of me, every inch of my body and every fiber of my soul knows it was never meant to be.
It couldn't be meant to be when kissing Jacob feels like a flower turning toward the sun for the first time.
His kiss is all-consuming. I don't know what I'm doing with my hands, only that I'm desperately trying to use them to pull him closer to me. Or me closer to him. It really doesn't matter, as long as there isn't space between us at all.
There's been too much space between us for far, far too long.
His hands drop to my hips, and with the way he pulls me against him, I get the feeling that he's experiencing the exact same thing I am right now.
Joy. Relief. Ecstasy.
I kiss him like he is water in a drought, like he is a fire on a cold night, like he is the sweet relief of sleep after a lifetime of restless insomnia. I don't know how I lasted eighteen years without his kiss, his lips on my skin, his hands all over my body.
Vaguely, in the back of my mind, I hear the phone in the kitchen ring.
It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters but Jacob Black right now. Jacob Black is kissing me, and I don't want him to stop.
His kisses continue, a deep moan sounding from the bottom of his throat. His hands reach down lower, and suddenly, he's yanking my legs out from underneath me, pulling them open so he can wrap them around his waist.
I let him do that, too. My arms slide around his neck as I try to help him hold my weight up, but he seems to be carrying it as effortlessly as he had an hour ago.
God, did he really only pull me out of the water an hour ago?
It feels like a lifetime ago.
But I like this new life I've found myself in. If this new life means I get to kiss Jacob and not feel the hole in my heart that has haunted me for months since Edward left, then I'm happy to kill who I was to become someone new.
Edward's Bella is dead now.
I'm finally ready to be Jacob's, instead.
The call goes to voicemail. I hear the answering machine message start, but it doesn't get to the end before the caller hangs up. I don't know who called, and frankly, I don't care. They aren't important. Jacob is.
Jacob growls, his kisses hungrier as he presses me more thoroughly into the wall. I let out a gasping moan, too, before finally pulling away, entirely breathless.
Gone is the fear that was in his eyes. When he looks at me now, he has more adoration in his gaze than I swear I've ever seen anyone look at anyone before. Not Jasper at Alice, or Emmett at Rosalie. Not Sam at Em.
Not even Edward at me.
Jacob looks at me like I am the moon, full and shining and radiant. Breathing heavily, he smiles brilliantly, and the sight of it makes my heart rip wide open in a way I couldn't have comprehended even yesterday. He presses his forehead to mine, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.
"I love you, Bella," he murmurs quietly, noncommittally. I know if I don't say it back now that it won't matter.
But I smile, catch my breath, and slide my arms back from where they were draped over his neck to hold his face in my hands. He opens his eyes again to look at me, and my smile doubles.
"I think I love you, too, Jacob. I'm done pretending that I don't."
And then I kiss him. Everything else falls away. Nothing else matters but him.
I've waited too damn long to feel like this. Alice can wait for me a little bit longer.