There was one last thing I had to do before I could leave Forks behind.
It was a beautiful day to be outside. The air was still warm and scented by the salt of the ocean. It brought back memories of my honeymoon when Edward and I would go swimming in the South Atlantic Ocean. Everytime we went back to the beach, his slender build, ravishing beauty and glowing skin, made it seem as if a newly born god was making its triumphant debut. He was amused by the comparison and he indulged me everytime by letting me get out of the water first so I could have a good look at him.
"So, you're still human?"
I wasn't sure that Jacob would give course to my request. There had been moments when I wished that he would not, even if it meant we would've ended things on a bitter note. I doubted he had changed his opinion, but for the sake of what our friendship had been I felt that I should attempt peace one last time.
"And you're tan."
"Yes and yes."
We stood in silence for a long time. All the words I had prepared had been lost on the way to my lips. How could I fix the unfixable?
"Why are you here?" He was annoyed.
"To see if you still wanted to be friends."
His jaw tightened, "Of course, I want to still be friends."
"Then I want you to apologize." The words were a surprise.
"What do I have to apologize for?"
"For threatening to kill Edward at our wedding."
"How can you ask me to do that? I won't. I meant it."
"Does the fact that I love him mean nothing to you?"
He laughed at me, "You just love his pretty face. And the money." He crossed his arms, as if he needed any protection from anything I might throw back at him.
"How dare you, Jacob?"
"Well, it's true, isn't it?" His voice was cold and slightly mocking, "He put your life in danger countless times. Blondie vampire hates you; the other blonde one tried to kill you. Alice uses you like you're her doll and the doctor and his wife collect deranged teenagers to paint the perfect broody and miserable Stepford family. The only one half decent is the big guy."
Jacob looks down and he kicks a rock, before meeting my eyes again, "Most of them are miserable creatures, Bella. And they'll make you one as well. They made us miserable. I'd almost feel bad for you if you hadn't chosen this when there was a better option."
"So you're the better option?" I was furious, "I think somewhere along the way you have stopped seeing me as your friend and you just saw me as someone you didn't have. And you hold that against me despite the fact that you told me you'd be my friend."
"Do you think it's easy to be your friend? When I want you more than I can breathe? When it feels like every bone in my body is getting broken when I see you with him? When he's the reason I'm denied happiness? And he has all that I've ever wanted?"
He laughs bitterly, "And maybe the worst part of it all is that I don't want to stop loving you. Because it feels wrong. Because you're my best friend." His dark eyes met mine looking for something I knew I couldn't give.
"Jacob…" I tried to put my hand on his forearm, but he withdrew.
"I can't, Bella. Not anymore. Not if I want to keep any of my sanity. I need to be away from you and them for a while." With this last remark, Jacob turned and left me alone.
Tears were flowing freely down my face as I kept walking up and down the beach. Had I been unintentionally cruel in desire to have him near?
The hurtful and truthful answer was 'Yes'. I still loved him in ways that were not appropriate for someone who'd already promised her eternal fidelity. While away, it had been easy to not think of the Jacob problem.
On that beach, with the wind tormenting the sea, I mourned the loss of our friendship and the fading of the love I had for him, until large droplets of rain hid my tears and soaked my shirt.
I stopped by Charlie's on my way home and I prepared a few frozen meals. I needed time to calm down and the familiarity of cooking for my father was soothing. It reminded me of times when my biggest worry was Charlie finding out Edward sneaked in my bedroom every night.
Jacob's words kept bothering me; not only those about me, but those about my family. Were most of them miserable? They didn't seem to be. The only two who seemed to be truly troubled by their nature were Edward and Rosalie.
He thought himself undeserving of all that he had- a monster of the worst kind. It was my mission to prove him wrong; I hated that he had moments when he thought that the love I had for him was an act of grace and not one of unbridled selfishness. He had to know that I'd sacrifice the world for him without blinking. And Rosalie had a bitter edge about her. And I could not fault her for it. When I had lost Edward I became less than a memory of myself. And Rosalie had lost all that she wanted the most: to be a mother. And it happened in one of the worst ways imaginable. She was the one whose loss had turned from melancholy into misery.
"Dad, do you think Edward's happy?"
The look on Charlie's face told me he would have had a handle on the situation if I had pulled a gun on and threatened him. Emotional advice was out of his wheelhouse.
"No," came the answer after a long and heavy pause, where I'm pretty sure he debated making a run for it. "You make him happy. That much anyone can see." He paused, choosing his words, "I'm not good at these things, Bells, but it seems like he's missing something."
Missing something. The words spun around my mind like raindrops in a thunderstorm.
Charlie hadn't elaborated and I hadn't pushed. It would have been easy if the thing that Edward was missing was something material, but I knew it wasn't. Anything he wanted he could buy or wait for it to be invented. I couldn't quite figure out 'it' was, but I had the frustrated feeling that the answer was obvious, almost staring me in the face.
Back at the Cullen house, Edward asked how my talk with Jacob went. His nostrils flared every time he sensed sadness in my voice, but soon enough the topic of my former best friend was out the door and we were all settling down for dinner.
Esme had insisted that for as long as Edward and I were home, we were all going to eat dinner together for my sake. The table was always set beautifully with the finest plates and cutlery; always different. It made me wonder if Esme's gift was conjuring dining items out of thin air. That night's setting looked like it had been taken out of a royal palace. Each plate had painted on its edges landscapes from Switzerland, bordered by gold filigree and elegant writing that informed me that my plates were inspired by the views around Lugano. The cutlery swayed the line between gold and amber and was, as well, decorated with intricate filigrees. It felt criminal to eat with them, but I had been assured many times that I had nothing to worry about.
The food was always delicious and healthy. Edward was the one preoccupied to a fault with the salt and fat content of every meal. One day while the men were out on a hunting trip I saw Esme throw Edward's nutrition books into a pile of things meant for donation. She gave me a knowing wink.
There had been moments when I had wished Renee had been more like Esme. I loved my mother, but up until I had moved away I hadn't really realized how much time she took away from me. I came to Forks and suddenly I had all the free time I needed to fall in love with a vampire. Not that it took very long.
"What are you thinking about?"
It was our first night in New Hampshire. We were settled in a splendid three story brownstone house found almost in the middle of the campus. Everyone else had left after they had kindly helped us move in. I was pretty sure I saw Charlie wipe away a few tears.
"About how little time it took me to fall in love with you. If I didn't know better, I'd say you've bewitched me."
"I think you're the expert in charms. You have me utterly under your enchantment, Misses Cullen," he grasped my wrist and gently kissed the inside.
"I must be a powerful enchantress to have charmed someone like you," it was something sappier than I would have ever said, but I had promised myself that I would try and offer Edward more affection, not simply on the physical side, but on the emotional one. Edward had always been the speech giver in our relationship, using his words to build me up. It was easy for me to forget that he was as new as I was at love. He may have seen more of it first hand, but it was a thing that you thought you imagined well until you felt it.
I saw that same old hesitation on his face; the thought that he was not good enough for me, which, even if it had been true, meant nothing. My love for him was eternal. It was good that I had so much time to prove it.
We easily settled into a routine in our new home. I'd never found domesticity to be something exciting or even something I would particularly want, and if it had been almost anyone besides Edward I would've probably loathe it. Each morning I awoke in his arms and we cuddled. Then we cooked breakfast together and if it was going to be a particularly long day of school, even lunch . Edward kept his previous insistence that all my meals were perfectly balanced and healthy. I would have had more objections if they hadn't been delicious (he'd gotten over his adversity to added fat and sodium), so much so that it had attracted people and by the time November came around we found ourselves hosting a dinner party for a few of my classmates.
They had all been intimidated by Edward at first, but soon his charm and intelligence conquered them all, even if I could still see that most of them still had a level of unsease when they were around him.
"So what did they think of us?" I asked Edward after everyone had left. "Should I pack my bags for a quick getaway?"
He came up behind me and gave me a kiss on the neck, "No need yet. They are all far too cerebral to think I might be anything but extremely anemic and in need of a good night's sleep."
"You might be in need of a certain kind of sleep," I grinned while I was unbuttoning my shirt, "and I am happy to help."
"Are you now?" He picked me up and took me to the bedroom.
Before I could wrap my mind around it, it was Christmas and we were sitting at the Cullen's table alongside Renne, Phill, Charlie and the new additions, Sue and Seth. In my absence Charlie and Sue had started dating. It had been an awkward dinner to say the least. Renee couldn't stop looking at Charlie, who was taken by Sue. It really was the first meal that I was having together with my parents in more than a decade; at the wedding they had sat at different tables. Rosalie's face was always a few muscle movements removed from scowling, while Emmet looked as if restraining himself from making a joke that would scandalize my family was his most challenging he had ever had to accomplish.
With dinner bested, the time for gifts came. I received from Edward a thin and delicate bracelet, dotted with small clear stones; he assured me that it had not been an outrageous price; in return I gifted him a book filled with my favorite poems and short stories printed on thin silk like paper. It had been bound in forest green leather, decorated with gold filigree and made to look as if it came from the twenties. On the first page beautiful calligraphy read "To E. A. Cullen from his loving wife." It'd been difficult for me to find a gift for him when his reply to my questions was that my "mere existence is gift enough." Frustrating. He did look touched by my gift.
Charlie received new fishing gear, while Renee got a very expensive cream sweater that I knew would not come out of the hoilday season unscathe and by the next Christmas would be upcycled. By next Thanksgiving it had been turned into a deep burgundy color.
For the anniversary of our wedding we went to England. Alice had predicted that for the whole month we were going to be visiting the weather would be overcast and rainy.
Since the gift for the first wedding anniversary was paper and I felt that giving Edward another book would be too soon, I had Helena, one of my new friends and an English lit major, help me write Edward a thoughtful and loving letter describing what he meant to me. It had been one of the most difficult things I had had to write- my finals had been a cake walk in comparison. Before I sealed the cream envelope I decided to add a lock of my hair, tied together with a baby blue ribbon as if he would be receiving this letter at the start of the twentieth century.
The letter was not going to be Edward's only gift. Alice and Rosalie had given me the address of a very small exclusive boutique of lingerie in London (according to them, since the items came wrapped in paper, it was perfectly appropriate to still be considered gifts). Whatever shyness I had about displaying my body had truly gone away in the last year. Edward was as generous with his compliments as he was with his caresses. I never considered myself vain, but hearing his praises about my looks gave me a great deal of delicious pleasure.
I chose some of the more comfortable pieces that, at the same time, had the least amount of fabric. Unfortunately, most of them did not make it through the week.
Our month in England had been simply perfect. Days spent visiting small villages and nights sleeping in the coziest of cottages.
Edward had rented Groombridge Place for a week. It was the home of the Bennet family in the 2005 movie. I was on the verge of asking him to buy it for us. It was a picturesque house on a large estate, filled with as much greenery and flowers as one could want. Everything was clean and well kept.
Peacocks roamed the domain as well as deer. Each morning we took brisk walks before returning to a warm breakfast and going to visit London's attractions.
Edward almost had to fight me when we visited the British Museum because I refused to leave arguing that I could always eat later. His persuasion worked, though I was pretty sure that if it had come down to a fight, even as a human, I could've defeated him. It did make me wonder if as a newborn I would be much stronger than him.
The following day was spent at the National Gallery with Edward as my personal tour guide. His knowledge impressed me and, though I still had a lot of human things to do, I couldn't wait for the moment when I would be mentally equal to him so I may be able to retain so much information.
We saw a few plays at the Globe. Edward shared a few details about the one that had been rebuilt in 1614, "Carlisle has only the faintest of memories about it. He remembers being there when it was demolished. What he knows he was told by his father and Shakespeare's youngest daughter, Judith. She used to come to his father's sermons when Carlisle was still a child and liked to talk to him. She'd lost all her children by that time. It took Carlisle a long time to realize who she was, since her last name wasn't Shakespeare."
"I wonder how it must have been to be in the audience of one of the plays."
"Crowded," Edward replied unexpectedly.
"What? How do you…You've seen it in someone's memories?
He looked sheepish, "Siobhan, she's one of the first civilized vampire's I met after I was turned. Whenever she came to London, she would see a play."
I bombarded him with all the questions I could think, feeling slightly envious of his power. How much he could see if he asked the right questions. He skillfully delivered all the details of Tudor and Elizabethan England and London. Siobhan had been turned just a year after Henry the VIII assumed the throne. "Though, when you meet her, be sure not to mention any of them."
We saw The Phantom of the Opera on Westend. Renee had been delighted with the T-shirts, mugs and keychains I'd gotten her. Edward said the play was better than the book, but that he didn't understand the appeal of the show, though he said that Christine had made the right choice in picking Raul and not the Phantom. It was something that he mentioned when we visited Renee and we both had to sit through a lecture on why Raul was the poorer choice. I'd forgotten to warn him about the strong feelings my mother had for the Phantom.
In that same week we visited Jane Austen's house. It was a charming little brick house so well preserved and decorated that I felt Jane herself might come inside and ask for some tea. I felt out of place in my modern clothes and wished I'd at least traded my jeans and T-shirt for a nice skirt and a frilly blouse.
"What are you thinking?" Edward asked while I was watching the desk where she used to write.
"That it was a shame she lived such a short life," I lamented, "and how much more she could've done if she'd had more time."
"I gather that she's one of your 'if you could have a mean with anyone dead or alive?'"
I nodded.
From there we went to see Winchester Cathedral, the place where she had been buried. I, again, felt underdressed. I imagined myself arriving in an elaborate deep blue velvet Tudor gown with my hair covered by a pearl encrusted french hood, more in the style of Anne Bolyen than the one of Catherine Aragon. Edward would be by my side donning a white silk shirt with a ruffled collar with a dark coat over it with the matching pants and white hose to expose his shapely calves to the envy of all the lords and the desire of all the ladies.
"What's so funny?"
"Just you in white hose." He looked confused and I had to explain myself.
"I think there are Tudor or, at least, renaissance festivals. We could take part in one if you'd like. Costume and all."
I refused, even though a big part of me would've liked to do it, to get to experience a small part of the life lived in that time. Moments after my refusal, a text from Alice came that read "Rude." I knew she would've had a lot of fun designing the costumes, but someone had to try and keep her more exuberant impulses in check (I was also sure that such an endeavor would make the Cullen family the proud and secret owners of several pieces of Tudor and Elizabethan era jewelry).
"Or we could find a regency one," Edward persisted. "I think that one would be more for you. You'd look very pretty in one of those Elizabeth Bennet dresses."
I blushed.
From there we went on to the Temple of Apollo Stourhead, where Mr. Darcy first proposes to Elizabeth in the 2005 movie. It was, as everything we had visited, breathtaking. Hidden among luscious green trees and perched atop a small hill and with a view of the lake. We finished the visit with a tour of Stourhead House while the sun had made a powerful appearance that would have made the brilliance of the Crown Jewels pale in comparison to Edward.
After our week in Groombridge Place we spent a long weekend in Oxford. Edward promised that I would get to study there, "I'm thinking English lit."
"And what would you study?"
"Music, of course. We'll be the artistic couple on campus; you in your plaid skirt and oxford shoes and me in a loose shirt white shirt."
In Oxford we visited Christ Church, the Bodleian Library, the Ashmolean Museum, the Radcliffe Observatory and the ruins of Oxford Castle. Most of the castle had been destroyed during the English Civil War, though there was enough left to visit.
Oxford was enchanting and I was surprised how well Edward and I fit into it. I thought it was due to Oxford being itself almost plucked out of time with its streets and buildings that held a thousand years of history, each layer building upon each other until you arrived to the present day. The effect was so much so that it would not have been strage to find yourself blinking and being taken back to the days where kings and mysterious fevers walked its streets or when vikings raided its treasures. I almost expected someone to run down the streets and yell about London being conquered and the new Norman king. I wondered if and when we'd be able to live there for a longer period of time.
After Oxford we went to Cambridge, where we visited the King's College Chapel, The Fitzwilliam Museum and the Cambridge University Botanic Garden, where we spent an afternoon strolling and reading poetry. The next day we saw Newton's Apple Tree, walked around Trinity College and finished the day with a short picking on the Scholar's Lawn before a thunderstorm broke and we retreated ourselves to our hotel room.
On our way to Nottingham we made a visit to Burghley House, another Pride and Prejudice themed stop. Despite it being called a house, it was in fact a palace, built in the Tudor Era with Italian influences. "Paolo Veronese was a favorite of the Volturi for a while. He made a few paintings of the wives that now reside in their personal rooms. I've seen the one where he painted Sulpicia in Carlisle's memories."
"Does Aro have a lot of paintings of his wife?" I wondered how many works of art were hidden by the Volturi, how many paintings and writings thought to be lost to time or never known to have existed laid at Aro's greedy fingertips. For a moment I envied Edward's power as it let him have glimpses into long lost times and people.
"Yes. Either of her or of them together," Edward paused, "though Carlisle told me there was one painting by Artemisia Gentileschi of a woman he didn't recognize. He found that one to be the most striking."
"Why?"
"Carlisle couldn't quite tell me why and from what I've gathered from his thoughts is that the painting inspires regret. He only saw it once in his two decades, in Aro's private study when… well, it doesn't matter now."
"When what?"
"It's not my secret to tell and I can't do it without his blessing. Please understand." He gathered me in his arms and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
We spent a few days touring the Lake District, after which we made our way up to Glasgow followed by a few days in Edinburgh, finishing with Balmoral Castle. Our last stop before returning home was Dublin.
Before we returned to Darthmouth Edward and Charlie went on a fishing trip together.
"You don't have to do it," I told him the night before, in our small home.
As a wedding present we'd received from the whole family a tiny stone cottage nestled into a small clearing in the forest.
It had been quite a surprise and, even though I had not gotten over my dislike of surprises or of gifts that didn't come from Edward, everything about the tiny home was made to suit me. Honeysuckle climbed up one wall like a lattice, winding all the way up and over the thick wooden shingles. Late summer roses bloomed in a handkerchief-sized garden under the dark, deep-set windows. There was a little path of flat stones, amethyst in the night, that led up to the quaint arched wooden door.
I really was something out of a fairytale. The floor was a crazy quilt of smooth, flat stones. The low ceiling had long exposed beams that someone as tall as Emmet had difficulty not knocking his head against. The walls were warm wood in some places, stone mosaics in others. There was a beehive fireplace in the corner where, on the chillier nights, we would use driftwood that burned with blue and green flames to warm the house.
It was furnished in eclectic pieces, not one of them matching another, but harmonious just the same. One chair seemed vaguely medieval, while a low ottoman by the fireplace was more contemporary. The stocked bookshelf against the far window reminded me of movies set in Italy. Somehow each piece fit together with the others like a big three-dimensional puzzle. There were a few paintings on the walls that I recognized – some of my very favorites from the big house. Priceless originals, no doubt, but they seemed to belong here, too, like all the rest.
It was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rose bushes.
In our bedroom Esme had tried to bring back some of the island and had succeeded. The bed was huge and white, with clouds of gossamer floating down from the canopy to the floor. The pale wood floor matched was precisely the color of a pristine beach. The walls were that almost-white-blue of a brilliant sunny day, and the back wall had big glass doors that opened into a little hidden garden. Climbing roses and a small round pond, smooth as a mirror and edged with shiny stones. A tiny, calm ocean for us.
My least favorite part of the house was the closet. It was bigger than our bedroom, which in the few times we'd been here before I did not dare to enter. Living out of my suitcase was the better option. Due to Edward's lying skills Alice was none the wiser that her diabolical room was not put to use, though she observed no new clothes appeared on my body. She simply thought I was being stubborn.
"I want to do it," he replied softly. "He's your father and my father-in-law."
The next day bright and early, before I could even contemplate waking up, my husband and my father went on a bonding expedition. I wondered if Edward had ever drank fish blood. I made a mental note to ask him later.
I spent the day with Esme and Rosalie. Alice had gone to meet with the family lawyer as she had some matters to attend to, while Jasper and Emmet had considered the greatest amusement to watch Edward and Charlie awkwardly trying to bond all day. Carlisle was at the hospital, but he assured his son that soon enough all the men in the family would go fishing with Charlie.
I was trying to improve my relationship with Rosalie, so, when she offered to teach me chess so that there might be another person beside Alice to beat my husband at the game, I accepted. "But, won't he just find out from Alice?"
"That's why you are never going to play him when Alice is around," she coyly replied, tucking a strand of her beautiful hair under her ear.
It turned out that Rosalie was a good teacher. She was kind and didn't seem to be frustrated by how slow I was picking up things. "You did great," she told me at the end of the day when Emmet and Jasper returned home.
"How was it?" I asked, with my back still turned at them.
"Edward fell into the river," was the only answer I got out of them, until Edward, Charlie and Carlisle came home.
As it turned out, it had been quite a bad day for fishing. Nothing caught, so they decided to move up to another spot. On the way, with Edward ahead of him, Charlie slipped and Edward had no other option than to pretend the slip made him fall through the trees of the embankment and into the river. Otherwise Charlie might have been hurt on the granite statue that is my husband.
From there things had only derailed even more. Edward's fall cracked a couple of the river rocks, making Charlie think he'd broken at least a bone (if not all of them).
As Edward was about to get out of the water a piece of driftwood headed towards him. Since he had to pretend to be at least a human, if not an injured one, he'd let himself be hit.
While out of Charlie's sight he'd used the blood of a fish to imitate a head wound, where the driftwood knocked into him. Luckily his hair was lush enough for Charlie to be satisfied that the wound was hidden there without having to explicitly look for it.
Edward, ever the committed actor, had come out of the river limping making Charlie insist on helping him. This led them on a half an hour walk towards the car with Edward's arm around my father's shoulders. This made Charlie notice how cold Edward was and made him think that he might be bleeding internally, so he insisted an ambulance be called. Edward had to assure him that his coldness was not unusual given his anemia. Charlie reluctantly accepted this explanation while, at the same time, making Edward drink his whole thermos of hot tea, to prevent Edward becoming hypothermic.
When they arrived at the hospital, Carlisle had to pretend that Edward had broken his leg in two places, since a sprain wouldn't have worked as an explanation. On top of it all, at the hospital, Mike Newton was with his new girlfriend. He saw Edward come out post treatment, to my husband's great chagrin.
That was how Edward, with my very apologetic father in tow, came home, a bandage around his forehead, crutches under his arms and a leg in a large cast. By their arrival, since neither could contain their thunderous laughter, Jasper and Emmet had been exiled into the forest.
When Alice returned home she informed us that she too had seen what had happened and, as her banished husband and brother had said, it had been a thing of pure beauty. Edward, predictably, disagreed.
"I promise you, Bells, I wasn't trying to make you a widow," Charlie told me while we were having dinner. The rest of the Cullens said that they had eaten and Edward pretended to need sleep off his injuries. I was pretty sure I could hear his sulking despite the floor that separated us.
"I know dad."
Charlie paused, cleared his throat and in a low voice, with clear embarrassment on his face he said, "I didn't know that Edward had so many health issues."
I did my best not to move my face. Since we'd started having people come to our home in New Hampshire we had to explain why Edward rarely ate with us. As far as everyone knew, several severe food allergies and intolerances, which required special meals, made Edward anemic.
"They're nothing we can't handle, dad."
"That's good." Charlie took a few bites, before adding, "but are you sure you're fine with it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Edward told me he can't have kids."
I had no idea what to reply, but I gave it my best, "There are other ways to parent dad."
"I know, I know… but you're so young Bella. What if you decide later that it's important for you to have your own biological children…"
"Dad, Edward and I have talked ad nauseam about this. I knew everything about him when we married."
Charlie's face reddened and his eyes left my face, "I'm sorry I brought this up. But I just had to know that you're okay, kid. You're all I've got."
"I know, dad," I replied with the ache of knowing that soon enough I was going to have to leave him all alone.
For the rest of our stay in Forks, to the great amusement of his siblings, whenever we went out of the house Edward had to pretend to be injured. Everyone in town had found out what had happened thanks to Chief Swan and a chatty Mike Newton.
I was glad to be going back to college, not only because we would have more privacy, but because I could put the subject of Jacob away for another few months.
When we'd returned form England I'd written to him, but I hadn't received any reply from him. Instead, Billy sent by way of Charlie a picture of Jacob at his graduation and informed him that Jake decided to go to college. It made me happy to hear it. He also told us that Paul had imprinted on Rachel, Jacob's sister, to the joy of everyone around. Especially Jacob's.
In the picture Billy had given, Jacob looked happy, much happier that I'd seen him in a long long time. He was surrounded by the pack and by other people I didn't know. Were they also wolves? How big had the pack become?
Those were questions that Jacob would have gladly answered despite and in spite of the secrecy. I missed my friend and by the look of things I wasn't going to get him back.
By the time Edward and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary a few things had changed. One of the biggest, regarded Alice, who had reconnected with her human family. She'd faked papers making it look like she was her own granddaughter, who was trying to find out more about her birth family after her mother had died young.
Her niece, Cyntia's daughter, Mary, looked very much like Alice. Despite being over seventy, her long silver hair, still hanged on to several black streaks. She was slightly taller than Alice and had dark brown eyes.
"I knew you were coming," she said, after we'd introduced ourselves. Jasper and I were the ones that went along with her.
The rest of the family was close by, with Edward waiting in the car for us.
"You look just like mama. Except the eyes," she said after taking all of Alice in. She'd worn a pair of contact lenses that gave her eyes a muddy brown color and a black wig, bringing her hair down to her waist.
Mary, listened to the story Alice had concocted, "I can't imagine what your poor grandmama went through in that place. Mama did try and find her. She didn't believe the stories her daddy and Anna-Marie told her. Nasty pair," she spit out. "You see, my mama had a gift. She could sometimes see in the past. Not very much, you see, but enough to help her understand." She sipped on her tea. "She found out that Alice had been like her, though she saw the future. Sides of the same coin, she'd say."
Her eyes were now fixated on the mug in her hand. "Mama was a journalist and had a knack of getting the truth out of people. I could never lie to that woman. She said the truth finds a way to come out and you must be ready for when it happens." She sighed, "One night, after suspecting that Alice hadn't indeed died, she took a shovel and dug up her grave. Whaddya think? No body. She went to her papa and told him what she'd found out. They had a terrible fight where the man admitted what he'd done with Alice and not long after, both of 'em were dead."
She chuckled, "mama was a wonderful woman, she didn't like violence, marched with the good doctor, protested against the war; all of 'em. Fresh off a new hip she went to the first pride parade. Good woman, through and through. You know, she never even ate meat?"
"She killed her father and Anne-Marie."
"Of course, she did. A day after she turned ninety she told me. Said papa helped."
I looked at Alice to see how she was handling all the revelations. Her face was a mixture of sorrow and pride. Jasper was holding her hand.
"After her papa's lies came to light it'd been easy enough for her to find the asylum. During those days she never smiled. I was young, but I remember that. You could always count on my mother for a simile and a sweet. Justice had to be served. They both had lived off of their crime long enough. She tried regretting what she'd done, good woman that she was. Never could."
She sighed, "not after she found Anne-Marie's diaries. The woman all but admitted that both of 'em had been murdered grandmama."
Mary returned to the present, "she would have loved to see you and see that Alice had survived." She didn't need to add that it was a shame survival came at such a steep cost. "Come, I have pictures to give you."
We saw images of Alice as a baby, sleeping in the arms of her mother; Alice as a toddler with a white cat in her arms; Alice with Cythia in her arms, Alice riding a bike, Alice in a new dress, a teenage Alice embracing a girl about the same age. Alice and Cynthia, just before she was taken away.
After the visit it took Alice a few days to get back to her happy self.
"Do you regret finding out?" I asked her while we were on our way to go see a movie.
"No. Even if the truth is… what it is. The only regret I have is that I don't remember Cynthia at all, but I am so proud of her. She had a good life and she was a good woman. This didn't open a new wound. It healed the one I thought I didn't have."
Alice continued to visit Mary, sometimes alone, sometimes with Jasper.
The last big change came in the form of Jacob with whom I had started talking was only through text messages, but I was so happy to have a little bit of my friend back. We talked about simple things.
And so, time passed on until I was in the middle of my fourth year as an undergraduate discussing with Edward the day when I would be changed and the day of my human death. It was going to be a fiery car accident. It meant there would be no body to be displayed and no need for me to pretend to be dead.
I'd given Charlie and Renee enough good memories. I made sure of that. They'd both have mementos to remember me by. The one I felt the worst was Charlie. He and Sue hadn't lasted; once the grief over Harry had passed so had their need for each other.
There was very little time to spare. I'd stretched my luck by four years and I was almost five years older than Edward. In the autumn I would be the same age as Carlisle.
"We can wait. You don't have to do it if you're not ready. Alice will see if they decide anything," was Edward's go to phrase whenever I voiced my worries about the Volturi. It'd been easier to listen to him.
But the Volturi were there, in the shadows. I'd never told Edward, but sometimes I felt they were watching me and might jump out at any time to separate us. It worried me that they might do something to force his hand. I had a feeling that Aro wanted to see me turned just to check if my mind would open to his gifts. Once his curiosity was satiated he'd dispose of me, just as he would with the rest of the family. No one was safe, no one, but Alice and maybe Jasper. Even he was not safe with Chelsea and Corin around.
"I want to do things right. I have the opportunity to leave my human life with most of my affairs settled. I don't want to do it at a moment's notice if I can avoid it."
Such a discussion had left us both in a sour mood when we went to visit Helena and her new baby boy at the start of February. "His name is William, after Fran's father," she told us. William was a small creature, sleeping peacefully in the arms of one of his mothers, not a care in the world.
"He even looks like my father," Fran chimed in, "small, fat and bald."
"I've seen your baby pictures, Franny."
"Are you sure you don't want to have your own child?" Edward asked me in the car on our way back home. "Because there are other ways, you can have your own biological child."
"And then what? He'll notice his whole family doesn't eat or sleep or even age. What if the Volturi find out? I don't think they'd let him live. Besides, the only child I want to have would be yours."
"But it would be mine. Not genetically, but it would be." He sighed, "I didn't mean to upset you."
"Do you want to be a father? Do you want us to have a child? A human one?"
"I don't know, Bella. I've never felt this much sorrow about not being able to father children. I never even gave it much thought. I finally truly understand what Rosalie has been feeling." He sighed again, before continuing, "I never thought about my own children when I was human. They weren't something I desired. They were something that would eventually happen, like a wife would eventually happen. You know that what I wanted most was to become a soldier. The glory of returning home after defending it from evil. Then the sickness came and I became this. In a way I was left without a dream; glory for a vampire is not a good thing and I'd lost the possibility of a lot of human dreams yet to be had. Tonight, seeing Fran, Helena and William I couldn't help but think what a joy it would be to see a child grow up, to give it my love and hopefully, my wisdom. I'll never experience this, but you still might. I promised you some time ago that we would do things your way and I just want to know that you are sure of your way. I'd wait for you, Bella. You could go and have more of a human life. And then if you wanted, come back to me. I could protect you from the Volturi."
"Edward, we've had this talk before. The only life I want is one with you. I love you. It's foolish to think we can have everything. And I don't want everything, I just want you."
He took my hand in his and kissed it. I'd given having a child much more thinking after seeing Edward with William. He'd been fascinated by him and how, after taking some time to get used to him, the baby would fall asleep in his arms, despite the coldness, despite the lack of heartbeat.
I'd started having daily talks with Jasper regarding my upcoming transformation. He'd tell me what I should expect, how I should behave in certain situations and he used his powers to show me how much heightened my emotions would be as a newborn. Edward had strongly disagreed, but human minds prevailed.
With every detail regarding my transformation that we nailed into place, Edward became more and more unbearable. He'd inquired daily if I was sure of the choice I was making, constantly rehashing our previous discussions. Discussions that with each repetition morphed into fights.
"I am sure, Edward!" I yelled at him for the first time in our relationship.
I took a moment to calm myself before continuing, "I've wanted this ever since I was seventeen. You're so intelligent and yet you can't grasp the simple notion that I know what I want."
He took a step behind, "I understand that," he replied coldly, "but I am the one who knows what it is to be a vampire. I know what I've lost."
"Are you saying that I don't? You know how my life was without you!"
"You're older now."
"And you think I've outgrown you? How can you say that? How can you think that!?"
"I will always be stuck at seventeen, Bella."
"You're a hundred and nine!"
"It's not that simple. My body will always be like this, my mind, despite all this time will always have something that is typical of a human when they are seventeen. I can never outgrow that. You can. Don't you get it? You can."
He started pacing around, "Do you know how much I miss the sun? I only have the faintest memory of how it feels to have it warm you. I can feel warmth, but it's not the same. I don't want you to lose that. You've built such a life here; I've never seen you happier."
"With you. You're the reason for my happiness. For my entire life. Were it not for you I would be dead. Tyler's van would have crushed me. Don't you understand how happy you make me?" I put my hands on his cheeks.
"I never thought I was capable of loving this much, of feeling this much. I would make any sacrifice for you."
"Except staying human."
I took a step back while tears had started to gather. "You're so selfish! Do you think I have forgotten Voltera? Do you think I want to be responsible for your life? Do you know how it feels to live knowing that I'm the only thing keeping you alive? You've said as much." Tears started streaming down my face, "You have a family! They love you! Do you think so little of them? Why inflict more pain on them when you cannot?"
"They will move on," he mumbled unconvinced.
"Oh, grow up, Edward!" I said while I grabbed my keys.
"Where are you going?"
"For a ride. And. Don't. You. Dare. Follow. Me."
I rode out of campus and into Vermont. It was a feat that sounded more impressive than it was given that Hanover was right along the state line. The rain made me stop in Woodstock. I was angry, but not reckless. Not anymore
I was furious at myself, at Edward and at the rain. I should have never had made him the offer to remain a human longer. It had given him too much time to worry and that seemed to be one of his favorite pastimes.
I was just a couple of months away from graduating which meant I had just a little while to go. Even if Edward would go back on his word, I knew I could count on Carlisle.
By the time nightfall had come I had returned home, only to find that Edward had gone hunting. I didn't like going to bed knowing that we were still in a fight.
Which was, most likely, the thing that led me having, for the first time in years, a nightmare. I was in the woods back in Forks, searching for Edward- I was screaming for him. People in dark hoods were after me. I felt them behind and I could catch glimpses of them in the corner of my eye.
I started running and I ended up right on the cliff from where I'd jumped all those years ago. The waters below were dark and tumultuous, but they were my only hope. I could feel them closing in on me.
I leapt off and I landed in the fountain in Volterra. Edward was right on the other side, glowing in the sun. His eyes caught mine for a moment before he was knocked down on his knees and he was swallowed by a mass of black cloaks. One of them rose up and lifted his hood. It was Aro and we were. He threw Edward's wedding ring at my feet.
I picked it up and I rose in the backyard of Charlie's house.
Seven people were behind Aro. Each one of them had their head covered by a sack. Aro, slowly, savoring my despair, revealed each face. Carlisle. Esme. Alice. Jasper. Emmet. Rosalie. And lastly, Charlie.
"Let them go!" No sound came out.
"Bella cantante," he said, offering his hand. I took it.
I looked at him while he tried to see my thoughts. I could feel him in my mind and I knew he wasn't satisfied with what he was finding.
He shook his head and I saw each Cullen and then my father get decapitated. My screams felt raw leaving my throat, but I could hear no sound.
"Bella, wake up! Bella, please!"
His voice was bringing me up from the depths of despair. His body was cool and his arms strong and protective. I grabbed his shirt and I held it tightly.
When I truly awoke I started crying. It took me ten minutes to be able to be coherent enough to tell Edward about my nightmare.
"And this time I couldn't reach you. And I saw them… I saw…"
"I'm here," he said, "and I'm safe."
I woke up bleary eyed in the middle of the day. Edward was sitting in our living room, playing chess against himself. "Who's winning?
"How are you feeling?"
"Exhausted. I haven't had a nightmare like this in a long time."
"You've had something like this before?"
"A long time ago," I smiled weakly. There was no need for me to spell it out, the guilt on his face was evidence enough that he knew the time I referred.
He opened his arms wide and I gladly went into them, "I'm sorry about yesterday," he said. "You're right. You're giving me something I never dared to ask and I'm making you feel bad about it."
"I know where you're coming from. And I understand that you want me to be happy and I am. I have put my affairs in order and now I just have a few things to see through."
There was one affair that I could not yet tell Edward about. The previous day, while waiting for the rain to stop I entered a pharmacy for a bottle of water and a snack. In my search I passed by the sanitary products stand.
Normally that would not have been something to grab my attention, but just as I did on my honeymoon, I started to count backwards and I realized that I was just about two weeks late. In the past few years my period used to become somewhat irregular when exam season came. Carlisle assured me it was due to stress. Of course, it usually was at the most a week late.
There were a million much more plausible explanations for this, I kept telling myself as I was waiting for the result of the test and then I kept telling myself that each test was broken because it could not be happening.
And yet, it was.
Had I not gone through the same mental somersaults before? And why should they have not been correct? Just because the situation was different then.
Me, a mother. What a notion!
Edward, a father. What an impossibility!
Among the joy I felt, sorrow was thoroughly mixed. I pitied our child, who would have to grow up with a newborn vampire for a mother. For how long into the life of the baby I could push my transformation? I hoped that since his father was also a vampire it might save me from thirsting after my own child.
I could not risk Aro ever finding out about him
At the same time I wished to be ten years into the future so I could see our son playing outside, green eyed and bronzed haired, still a child in so many ways, but growing stronger, resembling his father. I imagined Edward giving him piano lessons, Emmet and Jasper teaching him all the mischievous things that his parents and grandparents would disapprove of. I saw Rosalie explaining how cars worked and how to fix them. And Alice, she would be doting on him, teaching him to appreciate the beauty of clothing that his mother could not grasp.
It was funny how abruptly and entirely necessary this vision had become. From the moment of my realization, the whole world had shifted. Where before there was just one thing I could not live without, now there were two. There was no division – my love was not split between them now; it wasn't like that. My heart had grown, swollen up to twice its size. All that extra space, already filled. The increase was almost dizzying. Of course, the dizziness might have just been another pregnancy symptom.
As I stood there with Edward a shield against my pain, I wanted to open my mouth and say the words. But just like my screams, they were unable to come out.
I was not going to be able to keep it a secret for much longer. By my estimations, I had to be between four and six weeks. Soon enough the baby's heart would start to beat.
"Are you well, Bella?"
"You're heart is beating very fast."
"I have something to tell you. It's good news. Very surprising, but just as good."
"What is it?"
"I'm pregnant."