Remembrances
Author's Note: I know a lot of people don't like Sith Obi-Wan things, and considering how he's often portrayed, I'm not surprised. But Sith are fueled by passion, which just makes them a lot more... protective and possessive of their family, and in some cases, a lot more snuggly. ^-^ So, this is really just a lot of plotless father-son angst to make them hug in a way that's quite different from Canon. I hope you enjoy!
~Rivana Rita
Also, this is a gift for ReadingBlueWolf on ao3, and this is for the SW Father-Son Appreciation Gift Exchange.
~ Amina Gila
Warning: Plotless nonsense to make Anakin and Obi-Wan hug and talk. ^-^
A breeze rustles the branches over his head, as he slowly opens his eyes, staring at the unfamiliar surroundings. Towering trees loom over him, and he's... lying on his back next to a hut?
What... where is he?
What is this place?
He tries to remember something, anything, but he realizes with steadily growing panic, his mind is drawing nothing but blanks. He can't remember anything. He doesn't even know who he is.
He pushes himself into a sitting position, looking around. He can't feel anything in his right arm, and looking down, he sees that it's... mechanical? For some reason, he expected that. It doesn't bother him, or maybe it does, but he's used to it. Apparently.
"Skywalker?" a deep voice asks, and he jumps, looking around to see a tiny green creature standing behind him, a frown on its frog-like face. The being looks familiar, and something is burning at the edge of his mind, but when he tries to reach for it, it only stubbornly evades him even further.
"Who are you?" he demands, trying to ignore his fear.
The creature frowns. "Remember nothing, do you?" Why does he talk so strangely?
Something in him protests at the thought of admitting something like that – admitting any kind of weakness so extreme as that – but he can't well deny it, can he? "No," he admits, hesitantly.
The creature's frown deepens. "Hmm, unexpected, this was," he murmurs.
"Who are you?" he demands again, ignoring the question he really wants to ask right now. 'Who am I?'
There's movement behind the hut, and someone else approaches – a man who looks like a Cerean. Apparently, he can still remember species, at least. Something about this person seems familiar too, but he can't shake a serious feeling of distrust at the sight of him, though he can't explain why. Then again, this entire situation has him completely on edge, and he has no idea what's going on. Why doesn't he remember anything?
"You were a Jedi," the smaller creature replies. A Jedi. Yes, he knows what that is. It feels like the truth, but he can't be sure. At the same time, is there a reason he shouldn't trust these people? He doesn't know, and it frustrates him to no end. "The Grandmaster of the Order, I am."
"This is Master Yoda," the other person cuts in, "I am Ki-Adi Mundi. You're Anakin Skywalker."
Anakin Skywalker.
He turns the name over in his mind. It rings with rightness, and he lets out a quiet breath of relief. That much, at least, he thinks is the truth.
"Where am I? What's... going on?" he asks.
Mundi exchanges a look with Yoda. "The Jedi were destroyed by the Sith. We are in hiding," he answers. "We rescued you from the Sith."
It also feels true, and it nags at something in his mind, something he can't grasp. "What... happened to me?"
"Injured in the fight, you were," Yoda responds, "But come inside, you should. Eat you must, and then discuss this more, we can."
Yoda moves forwards into the hut, and Anakin follows, ducking down in a sitting position to fit. The ceiling is ridiculously low, and he can't do more than sit up straight in here. Mundi follows, and the three of them take seats around the table as Yoda brings some food over.
He doesn't know what to think of these people, but they haven't given him a reason to distrust them yet. Still, he can't shake the nagging feeling that something isn't quite right.
**w**
Anakin doesn't know how long he's been on Dagobah – apparently that's the planet's name – but as soon as the Jedi finished explaining the situation to him, they insisted that he needed to help them destroy the Sith. Since these Sith murdered ten thousand people for their own greater power, and are trying to control the galaxy right now, he can understand what the Jedi saying.
The Sith are evil, or at least that's what they keep repeating to him. If what they're saying is accurate, it's true.
And he's a Jedi, even if he doesn't remember it, so it's apparently his destiny to destroy them.
That feels... right, even if it also feels... Something. He doesn't know.
They spend the next several days training and preparing for his departure. He doesn't remember any of his former training, but his body does. And once he starts using the Force again, that comes very easily too.
It frustrates him to no end, though, that he remembers nothing. Everything he knows, he has to rely on these people, and he hates it. The one thing he always had were his memories – though he doesn't know why he thinks that – but now he has... nothing. Except the destiny Yoda and Mundi are telling him he needs to fulfill.
"Know your identity, the Sith cannot," Yoda warns, one afternoon.
"Why?" he wonders. If he's going to be attacking them, they'll know he's a Jedi anyway.
What's with that look the two exchange whenever he asks certain questions? "Because of your power, the Sith will try to win you over to their side," Mundi explains.
"Dangerous, the Dark Side is, even to older, more experienced Jedi Masters," Yoda warns.
"It will be safer for you if they never know," Mundi replies.
That, Anakin supposes makes sense.
It's the evening before he leaves Dagobah on his first mission, and he's more than a little nervous. He finally settles down to mediate for a while, trying to let it calm him, and reaching again for the briefest glimpses of memories that constantly elude him. He misses... someone, multiple someone's – he thinks – but that's all he knows. He can't even be sure of that. None of the strange sensations he occasionally gets about this make any sense, since he has no context to base them off of or anything. All he can do is follow what the other two tell him. It doesn't feel like they've lied to him, so he should probably do as they say. (So why does he keep having questions?)
**w**
Anakin knew, from the start, how dangerous it would be. He expected it. They warned him, but he's still caught off-guard. Something inside him twists uncomfortably even as he crouches in the shadows, waiting. Something about this feels wrong, and he doesn't know what.
The feeling of wrongness grows even more when he sees the Sith. He looks so strangely familiar, and Anakin wonders briefly if he did once know him. He shakes the thought off, jumping down at him. He's here on a mission, and even if he only remembers vague flashes – mostly impressions – he knows that this mission is Important, and he can't fail.
The Sith reacts fast as Anakin suspected he would, drawing his own lightsaber and blocking the what-would-have-been lethal blow. "I see you have come to your doom, Jedi," he greets ominously. Pure darkness and rage are rippling off him into the Force. Anakin doesn't know how he knows, but instincts tell him that the Sith wouldn't be so dark if something hadn't made him unbalanced. What Anakin doesn't know is why, and he definitely doesn't know why something inside him screams from sheer wrongness. He ignores it, because he's a Jedi. What could be wrong with this? It's what they're meant to do.
Anakin doesn't respond, at least not verbally. Instead, he attacks the Sith again. Something about the style he's fighting against also seems extremely familiar, like he's fought it a thousand times before. The Sith returns it with equal force.
"What did you do with him?" the Sith demands. "Tell me, and I'll spare you."
"I don't know who you're talking about," Anakin retorts, shoving against the other's lightsaber, "And if I did, I'd never tell you."
"You can't hide him from me," the Sith growls, eyes flashing with anger. Anakin tries to ignore how that sends a sudden surge of fear stabbing through him.
"We won't have to," he retorts, and their blades clash again with renewed fury.
Both are refusing to give ground, but Anakin finds that he's fighting something in his own mind as much as this person, and it's making it unnecessarily difficult. He can't figure out why everything the Sith is doing feels so incredibly familiar, but he doesn't let it bother him. Or tries to. All it does is give him the advantage – he knows somewhat what to expect.
Neither is able to get through to the other's defenses though.
"Who are you?" the Sith snaps, stepping back finally. "How do you fight just like him?"
"You'll have to answer that," Anakin retorts, raising his hand to throw a Force-shove at the other. He sees it coming and responds the favor. They're both thrown backwards, and Anakin scrambles to his feet immediately, Force-jumping towards the Sith. He probably would have hit true if a sudden bolt of lightning hadn't caught him mid-air.
He should have seen it coming. Anakin doesn't know why part of him thinks this has happened before, but it feels familiar somehow as he hits the ground. It only lasted a moment, though it's still enough to keep him down, if only for a minute. Danger ripples through the Force again, and he looks up sharply as the Sith attempts to lop off his head. Anakin jerks to the side, but the lightsaber slashes through part of his mask, anyway.
He doesn't know why he thought that would happen.
Anakin shoves him a few feet back with the Force, scrambling to his feet. It hurts to move, but he forces himself upright anyway. Delaying will mean death and failure. He can't afford it.
"Do you truly think this is a fight you can win?" the Sith asks, turning back to him. Anakin isn't sure if he's really that arrogant or if he's been holding back, because until now, Anakin has been the one gaining ground.
"Do I have a choice?" Anakin shoots back, and the Sith suddenly stills, both physically and in the Force.
"Anakin?" he asks finally, faintly. He seems... confused.
He should've been more careful. His mask was damaged, so he sounds like himself now. He should have stayed quiet. Yoda warned him specifically that the Sith would try to manipulate him if he discovered his identity.
"Why are you doing this?" the Sith demands, his confusion rapidly fading from confusion to anger and... betrayal?
"You're a Sith. You must be stopped," Anakin replies bluntly, moving forwards again.
Instead of raising his lightsaber again, the Sith unexpectedly throws him a full thirty feet backwards with the Force. He lands on his back with a grunt and rolls over, stumbling back to his feet. Anakin must have dropped his lightsaber along the way, because when he looks up, the Sith is holding it.
He seriously should have been more careful.
"You can take that off," the Sith tells him, acidly. "I know who you are, though I should like to know why you did this in the first place."
There's something about that voice that screams of wrongness and... not danger exactly, but close enough, when he's upset. He doesn't know what to say, but part of him is too afraid to disobey for some reason, so he – reluctantly – pulls off his mask and tosses it to the ground. It does, unfortunately, let him see the Sith face-to-face, and somehow his anger is even more visible now.
"Are you going to answer me?" he snaps. "If you were that upset, you could have told me instead of doing this."
The anger in his voice is what compels Anakin to say something, even if it's probably a very stupid answer. "I don't even know who you are."
His expression twists. He looks... hurt as much as he does angry now. He'll try to manipulate you, Anakin reminds himself, but he finds himself wanting to hear it through, anyway. "Anakin..." That tone is so familiar it hurts, but Anakin doesn't know why, and he hates it.
"I don't know what happened," Anakin admits. "I don't remember anything. All I know is that you're a Sith, and you need to be stopped."
"We are not evil," he retorts, sounding vaguely offended.
It doesn't matter, Anakin reminds himself. Of course, that's what he's going to say. Yoda told him better, and Anakin can feel better. Nothing that dark could be good, even if it's not purely evil, either. He reaches out, trying to call his lightsaber back to his hand.
The Sith draws his own lightsaber again and lops it in half mid-air. It's a convenient way to ensure they can't keep fighting, but he can't help the immediate frustration he feels. He came here on a mission, and he can't fail. He can't.
"You are an idiot," he snarls. "Must you think with your lightsaber even now? Even when it comes to me?"
Anakin can't say why that hurts as much as it does. He doesn't even know this person, but it still cuts through something deep inside him. "The only language a Sith speaks is violence, anyway," he cuts back, and maybe it was petty, but he's too upset to care.
That, unfortunately, only seems to anger the Sith again. "We have no time for this," he snaps. "I imagine more will arrive soon to complete your mission, and we need to talk."
"Why should I go anywhere with you?" Anakin retaliates.
"I'm your master."
"I have no master," Anakin retorts, and starts turning to leave. He can't complete his mission here, and he knows the Jedi will be upset, but he tried his best. He did. It'd be better for him to leave than stay here with someone who is intentionally confusing him, just like the Jedi predicted.
"You're not going anywhere," he warns. "I won't let you."
Anakin pauses, but he doesn't look back. He knows the Sith is upset, and part of him doesn't want to leave, but he doesn't know what else to do.
"Stay with me," he asks, though the way he says it makes it sound more like an order. Anakin hates how that alone compels him to listen. "We can talk this through."
He wants to. That's what confuses him the most, because he knows he shouldn't, but... he wants to. So much. Something about this man is important. He feels familiar. A strange sort of bitter hopelessness swells inside him. He doesn't know what to do. He feels so empty.
"I don't know what there is to talk about," Anakin replies finally, bitterly. "All I know is what the Jedi told me, and they were not lying."
"But they may have withheld the truth," the other replies, "And I do not understand how you couldn't remember anything."
"I don't know," he retorts. "It's..."
"Come with me," the other repeats. "I will tell you everything."
"You're a Sith," Anakin objects. "Why should I trust you?"
"I raised you. I was your master during your time as a Jedi."
It feels true. He doesn't know how or why, but the Jedi told him the Sith were both... Fallen Jedi. This doesn't make sense though. "You turned years ago," he argues. "I was never a Sith, was I?"
He senses as well as hears the Sith approaching him, though he's still keeping a small amount of distance between them. "In name? No. In loyalty, yes. I did not mean to hurt you," he continues, "But I cannot allow you to leave."
"Why not?" Anakin asks, his unsettled feeling rapidly growing. It's not an outright threat or anything, and he wouldn't be scared if it were, either, but there's something about the undertone that sets him off.
"You're my padawan. My apprentice."
"It doesn't matter," Anakin replies bitterly. "I don't remember it. I don't even know who you are. Why should I trust you? How do I know you're not lying?"
Something brushes against his mind – it's a strange sensation, but it feels familiar and right. It's a bond that has long been buried, hidden. It reminds him of... something. Someone. He doesn't remember it, consciously, but the hidden memories are still there. He remembers what feeling this used to bring.
"I remember this," Anakin says faintly. "You felt like home."
"Yes," he agrees, and Anakin turns to look at him again. He hates how he can't remember this – the Jedi had said it would come back with time, that he would just need to heal, but they didn't have time for him to wait. "Come with me. I can help you."
Anakin can't refuse that. He can't, though he doesn't entirely understand why. Regardless of what they may have once had, this person is still a Sith and he is evil, even if he firmly denies it. "I – alright," he agrees finally, despite his better judgment. "How can I know you're not going to hurt me?" He doesn't know why he said that. It just... came out, and something tells him that the Sith has hurt him before, whether intentionally or not.
"Why would I?" he challenges. "Why would I do something to lose your trust when I am trying to gain it?" He has a point.
"Where do we go?" Anakin asks – he doesn't know what else to say. Something about this feels wrong, but he can't deny what he feels. Truthfully, with as worn out as he's feeling now, he'd never successfully make it out of here if they fought again.
**w**
He doesn't know what happened to his mind, but when he wakes up again – Anakin thinks they're on the way to Coruscant or maybe already there, though he doesn't know why – it feels like he remembers more than he did days ago. He can remember random flashes and fragments, but nothing terribly straightforward. He remembers his mother though.
Obi-Wan – that's the Sith's name, and it sounds even more familiar – is next to him when he wakes. His hand is resting on Anakin's arm, and that feels... right. He doesn't want him to pull away. "I cannot believe they sent you after me like this," Obi-Wan declares flatly. He's angry, and Anakin knows instinctively that is never a good thing. (He wishes he remembered why.)
"Like what?" he asks. His head is throbbing, but he feels otherwise... mostly alright. It takes a few moments to remember everything that just happened, and he's immediately struck by the realization that he failed. He was sent on a mission, and a simple one, but even that was too much for him. What's worse is that he finds he's glad to be back here.
"They tried to kill us," he answers. "You were injured during the fight and they captured you. You're still recovering. I could have killed you."
"You didn't," Anakin points out. "We're alright."
"I'm alright," Obi-Wan corrects, grumpily. "You are not. You will be, but it will take time."
"What were we to each other?" he asks. He hates how he doesn't remember that at least, but it's too important for him not to ask. He can't just keep wondering in silence. This mission was... Important, and he had every intent of carrying it out because it was what he was supposed to do, and it was... for the greater good. It feels like he's accustomed to it.
"Everything," the Sith answers, staring at him, something intense in his gaze. It's not as unsettling as it probably would've been yesterday – was it only yesterday or longer? He feels far better than he did then – because that, too, feels normal somehow. "You were the only person I've always had," he continues, slightly quieter. "My own master died, and I took you in after. You... were always different, Anakin. You always have been. We were close. You'll remember everything soon."
As he talks, Anakin senses something... off. The room he's in also looks oddly familiar, and the Force here feels empty and so, so dark. "Where am I?" he demands, trying to jolt upright but moving only worsens the pain in his head. "What happened here?"
"I think it's best if you remember this on your own –"
He remembers, with a jolt, what Yoda had told him happened to the Jedi. "This is where you killed everyone, isn't it?" Anakin demands numbly. He feels sick. The darkness here is so unnatural and just wrong. How could anyone cause this?
"What did they tell you?" Obi-Wan asks tiredly.
"Enough," he shoots back. "The part where you apparently massacred ten thousand or more people, and that's what I can sense here."
"It's far more complicated than that," he argues, "We didn't go on a senseless mass-murder."
Force. Why did he come here? "What do you want with me?" Anakin asks. He tries to keep the sudden surge of anger and fear out of his voice, but it's probably a futile attempt.
"I just wanted us to be together again."
"Something tells me I wouldn't have agreed to this," he argues. "I'm a Jedi, aren't I? Why are you keeping me here unless you're playing at something else?"
"Despite what they told you," Obi-Wan answers, slowly, calmly, though there's a dark undertone in his voice, that sends an involuntary shiver through him. "I am not heartless. I can care, and I do. You were a... means to an end at first, but we grew closer than I could have imagined. Never doubt that." He leans over, his hand lightly brushing Anakin's cheek. "You should rest. There's not much else for you to do right now."
Now, here, in a completely foreign environment where the Force feels so dark and wrong with a Sith right next to him? No, thanks.
Obi-Wan's hand drops to his shoulder, gently pushing him back down. Anakin tries hard not to think about how much blood is on them – he doesn't want to know the answer to that question.
"I can't. Not now. I –" How is he supposed to say that?
"You're safe here, I promise."
"How can I know?" Anakin asks. He stares up at him, suddenly wondering why part of his mind whispers 'master' as if that's what he used to call the Sith. Obi-Wan was his Jedi master, and he can hope that's why, but part of him is afraid, anyway. "Why does it feel like part of me is... knows better?"
"We were not on the best of terms when we parted," he confesses finally. "We have had many struggles in our relationship, but we will pull through. We always have."
Anakin nods slightly, unsure what else to say.
"Who do you remember?" Obi-Wan inquires. "I think you might feel better if you saw one of them."
"I remember a lot of people. Flashes, mostly."
Anakin tries not to tense when a hand touches his forehead. It feels familiar, but he doesn't really remember it, and he instinctively knows he hates being touched by people he doesn't know. "Do you remember a Togruta?"
"Maybe." It only makes his head throb to try thinking about it. "Someone else, too. She's... I don't know. Important."
"Your wife," Obi-Wan guesses. "Or girlfriend. You claimed you got married five days into knowing each other."
Anakin cracks a smile. "That sounds like something I would do." Though he has absolutely no idea why or how he'd know that.
"You're much too young for marriage," he grumbles.
Speaking of that... "How old am I?" he asks, slightly awkwardly. He has a general idea of that answer, but he isn't sure.
"Twenty-three. Your... whatever she is, and children are here on Coruscant."
"Children?!" Anakin yelps, jolting upright again, or nearly so, because it sends another wave of pain through his head. Well, if he has children, then he's definitely married, because he knows he never would otherwise. He might remember nothing else, but he knows that much.
"You have newborn twins," Obi-Wan responds, "Padme was concerned over your disappearance as well. She will want to know you are back."
Padme. That name, it pulls at something in his mind, still so frustratingly out of reach. "You haven't told her already?"
"She and I are not... on speaking terms."
Why is he not even surprised about that? He wants to go see her, but the thought is also... unnerving. He's married and he has children, and he remembers none of it. He won't know how to act or anything. The impressions are still there, though. Vague wisps of memories, so he remembers how he feels towards them, if nothing else.
"You should rest," he says again, and there's a genuine concern in his voice. "After that, you can go see Padme, if you want."
He still doesn't want to sleep here. It feels too dark, too empty, too wrong here, and he still can't be fully sure he can trust the Sith. It's only so hard because all he remembers are the feelings, and he doesn't entirely feel like he trusts Obi-Wan, even if he also knows the Sith wouldn't hurt him.
He decides not to argue the point, though – he gets the feeling that always really annoys Obi-Wan – and finally lets himself doze off.
**w**
His amnesia still doesn't seem any better when he wakes up again, but his mind feels clearer. At least his head isn't hurting quite so much anymore. Obi-Wan told Padme in advance a little about the situation, so Anakin wouldn't have to deal with awkwardly explaining it himself.
Everything in the apartment screams of familiarity the moment he steps inside. The protocol droid, the surroundings, and the very familiar Senator. "Anakin?" Padme breaths, stopping in front of him.
Suddenly he doesn't even know what to say. He was just here only days ago, he can feel it, and he hates how he remembers none of it, beyond a vague impression of what their relationship was like. "Padme," Anakin greets her, uncertainly. It feels awkward being here. He doesn't know how to act. But it's pulling at something in his memory, and... he immediately knows he's glad he came.
"I... I know you don't remember this," she blurts, clearly uncomfortable, "But I – how are you? Where were you? What happened?"
"Obi-Wan told me I was injured in a fight, and the Jedi captured me," he answers slowly, "I'm fine, except that I do not remember... anything."
Padme frowns. "You were fighting the Jedi?" He can tell how upset she seems with all of this.
Was he? He has no idea. "I don't remember," he replies, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. He doesn't know anything anymore. What Obi-Wan did was wrong and he knows it, but he doesn't know what he should do in a situation like this. Not when he remembers nothing. Maybe it would be right to leave and go back to the Jedi, but he knows even without thinking about it, that he can't do that.
Padme sighs, taking a step closer to him, then stopping herself, probably immediately remembering that he doesn't remember any of this and close physical contact would be... strange. He's grateful for her distance. "I don't know the details of what happened, but the Separatists attacked Coruscant and won. They established an Empire and destroyed the Jedi to stop them. I still don't understand how Obi-Wan could go along with this." Yes, she's definitely angry by this, and Anakin can't blame her.
How could his former master do this? He doesn't understand. It makes it even more frustrating that he remembers none of this.
"I don't remember any of it," Anakin confesses, again. The Jedi weren't lying, though. Obi-Wan said it was more complicated than just that, but he doesn't understand.
The Jedi should have told him, though. They should have told him about who Obi-Wan was, though he understands why they didn't. Because he wouldn't want to finish his mission. It's always about the mission with them, he knows. He remembers that much. And that's how it should be, but this is so confusing.
Maybe that showed clearly enough on his face, because Padme sighs again. "I understand why you stayed with him, though, and why you still are. Perhaps we should discuss this... later. Do you want to see Luke and Leia?"
The twins? The names of his children.
He nods, hesitantly following her into a bedroom where the two of them are sleeping in cribs, beside each other. He stops next to the cribs, a surge of emotion hitting him. He might not remember them, but they're his. His own children, a part of him. His to protect and care for, and they're so perfect, it feels like something out of a dream. And instantly, he knows that there's little he wanted more than to be here, a family with Padme and twins. (And Obi-Wan and... the other girl he remembers.) But he can't even remember much of any of it, and he can only hope that's going to change. It's like he hardly knows these people, even if it feels otherwise.
It's like a dream from his past that's still slowly dancing in and out of reach. He's glad to be here, but it's still exhausting. When he gets back to the now-vacant Temple, maybe he'll talk to Obi-Wan about it. Maybe there's something he can do to help him. Maybe.
**w**
It takes... time, but bit by bit, he remembers what happened. It's mainly the last months or so that he struggles with most. Everything he ever knew fell apart then. In a way, it hurts far more as the memories start slowly slipping back into place.
He remembers with far too much clarity that moment on the Invisible Hand that he'd realized Obi-Wan was a Sith. He didn't think any betrayal could hurt that much, but it made it worse that he was actively conspiring with Dooku. Dooku was...
Well, in truth it's complicated, but he did many terrible things and he hurt Anakin.
Dooku and Obi-Wan had killed Palpatine, and Obi-Wan had revealed that he had been a Sith all these years, secretly working with Dooku. Qui-Gon had been a Sith too, and had made Obi-Wan Fall after he became his padawan. The Sith had infiltrated the Jedi literally right from the inside, while everyone was none the wiser. He thinks he heard something about Dooku having been turned by Plagueis, but he couldn't be sure – many of the details were lost through his haze of horror.
Obi-Wan hadn't wanted Anakin to Fall – something about preferring him Light the way he was now. He'd expected Anakin to remain loyal to him anyway, even as Dooku had ordered the clones and the droids to march on the Temple.
Of course, Anakin had been furious with him, but Obi-Wan insisted that this was the only way to end the war and bring peace to the galaxy, and by that point, there was little Anakin could do to stop him. Obi-Wan promised that any Jedi that surrendered wouldn't be killed, but Anakin already knew that very few would – if any. He could only hope as many as possible actually escaped.
He can't say why he stayed with his former master even after that – or yes, he can. It was not easy and they were fighting over it almost constantly, but he... couldn't imagine just turning on him and killing him the way the Jedi demanded. He can understand why Yoda and Mundi did what they did, though. But...
Anakin didn't mean to let it through that he remembered more or less everything when he sees Obi-Wan again, because he really isn't ready to have this conversation, but his master predictably senses it immediately. "If you have something to say, say it."
"You never heard me out before," Anakin retorts, bitterly. "Why would you now?"
"I almost lost you," he replies. "When you came back, I didn't know it was because you knew no better."
It makes him feel sick now, knowing exactly what happened. He feels used. He should have known better than that. He almost killed his master. "I don't know what I could say," he answers finally. "You already know how I feel about this. You're a Sith and you raised me to consider them enemies. That went over as well as you can imagine. You destroyed everything I worked for."
"Yes," he agrees finally. "I know I hurt you, and I am sorry. I had no intention of doing so."
"You told me this before, didn't you?" Anakin asks. He feels completely worn out now. "I know you... regret it, but it doesn't change what you did." And it's left him completely lost and confused, but he can't tell Obi-Wan that. He can't bring himself to be this... vulnerable, and it doesn't much matter, anyway.
"No," his master concedes, "It doesn't. But you know the Empire is the only way the galaxy will ever find peace."
He sighs quietly. "I am not... upset about the Empire." At least not really. He does not trust Dooku to lead the galaxy, especially not after the war is his fault, but he never thought the way the Republic worked before was effective. He knows Padme is extremely upset by it – personally he'd like it far better if she was the Empress. At least he could trust her to do the right thing – but he knew something needed to change in the system.
His hand touches Anakin's shoulder, warm and grounding. It feels... he doesn't know anymore. He doesn't trust it. "I know you are upset by what happened to the Jedi –"
Upset is hardly an extreme enough word to describe how he was feeling about that. He'd been up there on the Invisible Hand, when the Jedi forces to free Palpatine were defeated – and they killed Palpatine, something he's still struggling to deal with. He was a Darksider also, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt – and they sent the droid forces to attack the Temple. "Upset?" he echoes. "That was my life. It was all I ever had. I gave everything to you, to them, and you destroyed it. I do not think upset is nearly the correct term for it."
"By the time I realized what it would do to you, it was too late to stop it."
"How could you have wanted this?" he asks. He asked him before, but he still doesn't understand. Obi-Wan was raised as a Jedi. He was more of one than Anakin ever was or could be – or so he thought.
"We talked about this," he reminds.
"I know, but I don't understand. You were everything you could have been and more. It may not have been real to you for years, but it was to me. I – I cannot let go of that."
"I knew it would take time for you to accept." Obi-Wan sighs quietly, pulling back – Anakin is surprised to find how much he instantly misses the contact. "I cannot ask more of you than that, but I do hope you will understand eventually."
"Understand, yes," he agrees. "I may understand it but accepting it will be... more difficult."
"My only regret is that it hurt you," Obi-Wan replies, and he means it. Anakin has no idea what to think about that. "I did not want to, but I cannot say I regret it, either. A reformation has long been needed."
"Can we not talk about this?" Anakin asks. Every moment of it hurts. He feels... used, and it's worse that both sides have been doing it. At least Obi-Wan is admitting it though.
"I nearly lost you to them." He feels his master's anger, and he can only be relieved it's not directed at him – it would have been, had Anakin done it intentionally, and he doesn't want to know how Obi-Wan would have reacted if it was. Now it's a promise of murder, or at least Anakin suspects it is.
"Don't do this," he finds himself asking, even if he knows it's pointless. "Don't hurt them for me. I don't want their blood on my hands."
"I could have killed you," he argues. "I almost did. I hurt you."
He has no idea how to handle this situation, and he hates it. It's not like his training ever told him how to handle a disturbingly over-protective Sith. He wishes it had. "Those were your actions," Anakin argues. "Their choices may have led to it, but you still did it. I do not blame you for it, but the fact remains it was your... doing."
He feels Obi-Wan's flare of anger – it swirls around him in the Force, like a storm, but it's sharp and cold at once. Those are the things his master always was, and in some dark way, it's relieving that at least hasn't changed. Anakin doesn't think he could handle it if Obi-Wan wasn't... Obi-Wan anymore, either, even if it feels like they're not the same anyway. It hurts so much knowing his entire life was a lie.
He reaches out unexpectedly, and Anakin barely keeps himself from flinching when the Sith touches him. Sometimes, it's so hard to tell if this is affection or something bad. He hates himself for it a moment later; Obi-Wan has never hurt him. He would never. He couldn't do that. The one thing he can never doubt in the face of all this is that his master still loves him.
"That is the way of things," he replies finally. "Those who try to take from a Sith what is rightfully theirs will die."
It's the 'what is rightfully theirs' that sits with him the longest, that makes it so hard to find another comeback. How long has he wanted his master to say it, to finally voice that Anakin means something to him, even if he's not quite sure what that something is? To be fair he doesn't think either of them are quite sure. Their bond is... different. It's not something that can truly be named, much like Anakin's with his own padawan. She was like a sister, but he raised her; he was the only guardian or parent she ever had.
"I love you," Anakin says finally, "But you're terrifying."
Obi-Wan's smile is slightly amused, but it passes as fast as it comes. His hand lifts to brush Anakin's hair back from his face and he abruptly moves forwards, leaning down to kiss his forehead. "You are still so light," he remarks, sounding almost amused. "Too light for this galaxy, Anakin." He pulls him into an unexpected (but certainly not unwelcome) hug.
It's the sudden surge of adoration Anakin senses that catches him off-guard the most. He doesn't know how to react to this. He hates even more how there's a small, very dark part of his mind that questions if Obi-Wan is sincere. Anakin has to believe he is.
"How are you like this?" Anakin asks, instead of trying to dispute the very obvious lie of how light he is. Anakin knows he was like that with Ahsoka, too. He knew she had darkness, and people would often comment on it, but he refused to admit she was anything but. Ahsoka was different though. Anakin has... done very bad things. Maybe it's a result of being trained by a Sith. Obi-Wan doesn't know what happened though. "You never used to be so... affectionate. I can't understand how you became so much more after you..."
"Light or Dark, Sith are fueled by passion," he replies, lightly resting his cheek on Anakin's head. "We embrace our emotions. They fuel us. When I was among the Jedi, I could not use the Dark Side, even in manners so minor."
"I don't know how this is Dark."
"You have never been a true Jedi," Obi-Wan points out. He runs his hand down Anakin's back. It's strangely warm and comfortable. "The only emotion a Jedi feels is calm. You always struggled with that. It was always a part of you. A part of what I imagine is where you always knew the truth of the Force. Your darkness is natural. It is a part of you. I... apologize for trying to make you let it go. It was always a part of you. I want you to be whole. To be you. I had to hide it for years. I hated every moment of it."
Anakin presses closer, trying to remind himself again not to hold on too tightly. "I wanted to hear you say that," he confesses, tears unexpectedly pricking his eyes. It hurts even more to talk about, but after his master said everything he did, he thinks... maybe. "For so long. Then I thought it would never happen. That you would never be... satisfied."
"I wish you told me," Obi-Wan sighs quietly. "I would have acted differently."
It's the swell of pain that makes him pull back, and it rapidly forms into anger. "I tried," he snaps. "Many times. You never listened."
He doesn't know why he pulled away. Nothing makes him feel safer and more comforted than when he's in Obi-Wan's arms. It always hurts to be away.
"We both made mistakes," his master says finally, "And mine cost you what should have been the best years of your life. I knew I was hurting you, but I never knew what else to do."
"It's alright," Anakin tells him – it's not though. It still feels like it should be though because he is sorry and why isn't that enough? It should be. He said he was sorry, and Anakin should let it go. Why can't he? "You didn't mean to."
"Do you really feel like that?"
It wasn't entirely a lie, but it still felt like one. Of course, Obi-Wan saw through it. He usually does. He raised Anakin, after all. "I'm trying to."
His master smiles tightly, it doesn't fully reach his eyes. He seems upset, hurt maybe, and it hurts more knowing Anakin is the one who caused it. "That's all any of us can do."
"What good does trying do?" he finds himself asking, anyway. "It's not real. It doesn't... work."
"It does," he promises. "It matters to me."
"I wish you'd told me." He shouldn't have said that, but it slipped out. He wondered if Obi-Wan noticed, but he had thought it just didn't matter. He doesn't understand it now that his master tells him that it did. It doesn't make sense.
"I wish I could have," Obi-Wan replies. "I knew you could never be a Jedi as the others were. You were meant for so much more."
"It was all I wanted – when I was younger." It's not the entire truth, either, but it sometimes feels like it. What he truly wanted was a family, but that wasn't until after he came to understand he could never be a Jedi. Not in truth – it would always be a lie. Now it makes so much more sense.
"I thought what truly mattered to you was your family."
It makes him wonder if Obi-Wan knew him far better than he realized. It's hard to say, because they never truly spoke with each other. They never had the chance until now, and now it's... different. Everything is different. He almost wishes he had told Obi-Wan everything, but he knows in truth that he would never have been able to at the time. He can't fault himself for something in the past which he never would have been able to help. "It... was. Yes. Most of all."
"Then I am certain we can work this through together," Obi-Wan promises him. He reaches down, taking Anakin's left hand in his. He traces his thumb over the faint layer of mostly healed scars zigzagging from his wrist and upwards. They're nearly invisible here, but Anakin isn't even surprised Obi-Wan was able to make them out – they're mostly healed lighting scars. Bacta will heal the worst of it, but many are still there. They cover him everywhere, worse on his right arm. It's always worse there as the lightning is drawn to his mecho arm. They're layered on layer now, more than he can count.
"Don't look at it, Master," Anakin tells him. "Don't – I would have killed you if you hadn't."
"Sometimes I wish I had left with you after we found you," he says, anyway.
Anakin doesn't really know how to react to that. Instead, he stays quiet. He needs more time to process it, and quite honestly, he doubts it will ever stop hurting. Some things run too deep, even if they still are... close. Anakin still feels like he doesn't really know his master anymore, most of the time, but at least if they're together they can find something with which to move on.
Maybe.
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