CHAPTER 4: REMINISCENCE AND DOUBT

The evening was taking its toll on Lisa Cuddy. Ever since she'd broken up with House, everybody was all over her, repeatedly asking why she'd done that. Her mother was, as usual, her most vocal critic, insisting that her standards were impossible to meet and that she'd blown her best chance at finding the most suitable partner. Julia, on the other hand, had been all too eager to hook her up with a guy. And, the less one spoke of Rachel, the better. The little girl had, oddly, grown so fond of House that she practically cried all the time, demanding that he comes again to their home. In vain Lisa tried to tell her daughter that she and House were no longer together and that he wasn't coming to their home anymore at all. Rachel still made a lot of noise, crying and balling her little fists, repeatedly asking her when is House coming. It was utterly baffling that her little girl had developed such a strong attachment to no one else but the cold and misanthropic Gregory House. More than once did Lisa catch herself thinking, in a pang of immature jealousy, that her daughter loved House more than she did love her own mother. House would exploit the opportunity to remark that she wasn't Rachel's biological mother, she thought. Yet, what struck her the most was the fact that no member of her family and no coworker ever cared for her own point of view. No one asked her how she felt, if she was fine, whether she needed any kind of emotional support. Wilson was the worst of all. Being House's friend, he naturally refused to see things from her perspective. His main concern was that his friend seemed to be falling apart. And, of course, he was blaming her for everything, because it was she who broke up with him. Neither he nor anyone else could appreciate how much, how fiercely she was still struggling with herself over this decision. Why did they assume she dumped him at a whim? How would they react if their own partner had done what House had done? Yet, for all her efforts to explain, first to herself and then to others, the reasons behind her decision, a voice in her head whispered that she was a fool.

Lisa checked herself on the mirror. She was looking perfect. Tonight, she was going on a date with Jerry, the guy Julia insisted she should meet. Normally, she'd outright tell her sister not to get involved in her personal life, but she found herself almost too willing to try her hand at a new relationship. She couldn't tell why. Perhaps it was the normal desire to move on, to forget everything about the tumultuous relationship with House. As of late, the mere mention of his name was sufficient to make her blood boil. She was filled with rage with the mere thought of his activities after their breakup. All his hilarious antics, all the stunts he'd pulled just to annoy her and other people. The culmination was that fake marriage he'd entered into. She'd been much taken aback when he'd introduced that woman to the entire hospital, wheeling that Segway all around the place. She'd tried not to show any kind of irritation or agitation, but House always had his way of provoking those reactions. So, she'd decided not to play his game and, instead, let him carry on with whatever stupidity he conjured to make her feel jealous or have doubts about her decision. It still rankled her, nevertheless, it still annoyed her to no end. Why, though? Why should she be annoyed by all this? It wasn't her business what silliness he was getting involved, she just didn't care. Yet, she still felt annoyed to no end. When House had his- how to call her- partner offer her that almond pastry, her first thought was to indulge her instinct and throw them both out of her office. Instead, reason prevailed and she signed the papers House wanted her to sign. It was a match of sorts, a match of willpower and sheer capacity of hurting each other. And, this time, Lisa was determined to play that game to win, to show him that she'd really moved on, that she didn't need him, didn't love him. After all, she was going on a date with another man tonight. Sooner than what she was planning, but, the sooner the better. This ought to send a message to House, that he was irrelevant, a thing of the past and over for good. She could hear Jerry's car horn from outside. He'd come exactly on time, his punctuality a stark departure from House's utter disdain for that trait. Savouring the sight of her reflection once more, Lisa started walking towards the door. She wouldn't let her date wait. Tonight, she would have fun. Tonight, she would smile, laugh and relax. Forward, only forward, that was the way to proceed. She wasn't gonna look backwards, back at House. Her high heels made a clacking sound as she walked out of her home and towards Jerry's car, as she waved to him and flashed him a big smile. She breathed fresh air, enjoying the cool breeze.

Jerry, for all his looks and his manners, was proving to be a bore. All this time since they'd settled in the restaurant, he was talking about his job, how he'd been first in his college classes, how everybody admired him and all the girls swooned in his arms. She hated it, she hated herself for indulging the childish whim of demonstrating that she'd gotten over House by going out with Jerry. She wasn't paying attention to what her date was saying, merely nodding once she'd noticed him complete a sentence. Luckily, the waiter soon brought their order and he shut his big mouth in order to eat. He was eating slowly, in a very civilized manner, taking small bites and taking care not to get dirty. How different his polished and immaculate table manners were from those of House. House was not one for meaningless etiquette. All those times they had dinner together, he'd eaten rather hastily, with large bites, the polar opposite of the man now facing her. I must really be terribly screwed up, she thought, I'm out with my new date and I'm still obsessing over House. The same thing that had happened when she'd decided to get engaged with Lucas. On the very night of the engagement, she'd broken up with him, unable to think of anybody and anything else, save for House. The biggest irony was that the realization had come just after House had ceased his attempts to cause a rift between her and Lucas. For all her wish not to reflect on it, reminiscences of that fateful night, when she'd gone to House's apartment and confessed she loved him flooded her brain. Just some hours before that, she'd blatantly chewed him out, declaring she didn't love him, yelling at him to accept that. She could see the bitterness and the anguish in his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, but he'd ignored the provocation, telling her just not to mess with his patient. She couldn't remember the girl's name, only that they'd finally amputated her leg and she died. What she recalled crystal clear, however, was that House had tried everything to prevent the amputation. More than once that day, she'd accused him of projecting, of wanting to save the girl's leg because of his own experience. He'd lashed out at her, saying harsh words about her raising of Rachel and about Lucas. His words had been mean and spiteful. But, now that she replayed the incident in her head, weren't her own words hurting enough? Maybe it was her own judgment that had been clouded, her pushing for the amputation being further fuelled by a desire to spite House. Nonsense, she tried to stop those stupid thoughts, even House agreed that the amputation was the right thing to do. Her memory, however, had a different tale to tell. House had agreed to the amputation after her fierce verbal lashings, after she'd cruelly shouted at him he had nothing and no one. He'd consented to the procedure because she had clouded his judgment with her words. Her forehead was drenched in cold sweat, the memories getting overwhelming now. She took hold of the glass of water and emptied it in a mighty gulp. Jerry hadn't even noticed, too absorbed in his food. She sighed deeply, wishing to get rid of the unpleasant thoughts, the pang of guilt getting bigger and bigger with every passing moment. Damn House, she silently swore, even with his absence, he's spoiling everything.

Jerry had resumed speaking, just after he'd finished the main course. The subject of his incessant droning was now some personal friends and acquaintances of his. Under any different circumstances, she'd already asked him to stop and drive her back home, but tonight wasn't the norm. She now found herself even willing to tolerate his constant talking, because he provided a necessary distraction from her own inner thoughts and self-doubt. It would help more if he actually knew how to keep someone interested in what he had to say. Lisa was unable to prevent herself from thinking about House again. From the very first day of their relationship, he'd stated his doubts, or, to put it more accurately, his conviction that the relationship wouldn't end well. She'd reassured him she loved him, in a stark departure from what she'd said on the previous day. Even when she'd comforted him after the young woman's death and confessed her love for him, she'd bluntly declared she wished she didn't harbor any feelings for him. What was true and what was false? She increasingly found herself unable to gauge her true feelings concerning the diagnostician. If she loved him, why had she left him? If she didn't love him, why get in a relationship with him? Too many questions, no answer. And now, another question was coming to add itself to the list. What if she'd given him a second chance? She'd eagerly believed he was gonna change, no matter that she'd said she wanted him for who he really was. No, that man wasn't going to change. His oft-repeated mantra, save for "Everybody lies" and "Humanity is overrated" was "People don't change". If he believed that so adamantly, how could he change? Good grief to his... woman in dealing with him, she thought. Her mind raced back to that awful day of his fake wedding. It was all too recent, her memory had preserved every horrible detail. He'd initially dared to think he was gonna hold the ceremony in the chapel within hospital grounds. Although she'd sworn she was gonna appear totally unaffected, it had irked her and she had stepped in. But he, refusing to get dismayed, merely decided to hold it in his apartment, even inviting her. She'd attended in order to show him she didn't mind, that his attempts to hurt her had failed. But, had they? At that moment, it was all a blur, exactly as it had been back on that dreadful day. Seeing that woman in a white wedding dress, holding the bouquet, exchanging rings with House, it was too much, too much. She'd almost given him the satisfaction of collapsing or shouting, but she'd managed to control herself. She had to lean on Wilson for support and to throw some cold water on her face immediately afterwards. And House's expression was a riddle, being impossible for her to gather how he himself was feeling. She wildly shook her head, trying to focus on the present moment and stop poring over the past.

Jerry noticed her and, for once not focusing on himself, asked, "You okay?". "Yes, yes, don't worry", she said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. "As I was saying, my friend Mike, the detective, is now seeing a sweet widow. You know what's funny? She's living in the same building with your ex, House. Imagine that", he kept blabbing out. Suddenly, Lisa Cuddy couldn't restrain herself anymore. Pounding her fist on the table, she barked, "I don't want to hear anything more about your friend, his girlfriend, House and his green-card seeker of a wife! Understand?". Jerry was clearly taken aback, but he just said "Okay", flashing an awkward smile, more to the people watching them rather than Lisa herself. Feeling embarrassed now, she said softly, "Sorry, Jerry, I'm not feeling very well. I... I want to go home. Call me tomorrow", to which he nodded and requested for the bill. She exhaled audibly, wanting nothing but to get home and find another distraction. If what she'd heard from Foreman was correct, tomorrow House would also be back in the hospital, meaning she had to gather the courage to face him. She sighed again, rising from her seat.