CHAPTER 5: NOLAN, PART ONE
Nothing had prepared Darryl Nolan for what was about to occur on that day. His schedule had been very light, with few appointments. But, all his plans, or lack thereof, for the day had been cancelled on the very moment Gregory House walked into his office. "House!?", he uttered in complete bewilderment. It had been a year since the last time he'd spoken to the diagnostician. Instead of explaining himself, House sat on the armchair and said, in a challenging tone, "OK, let's resume our session". "What?", Nolan still had trouble formulating a coherent reply. "Last time we had an appointment, I left in the middle of our session. Come on, let's finish what we started", House suggested. "I am much puzzled you came here without any alerting, any appointment, nothing of that sort, but I won't pretend I'm not relieved to see you again, House", the psychiatrist said. "Of course you are relieved, you're gonna get a handsome pay", the other man shot back. "It's not the money that got me interested in your case. It's the case itself that aroused my interest", Nolan responded, adding, "Like you, I can't resist a riddle when I see it". "Go ahead, then, therafy me, but try not to botch the job", House threw the gauntlet. "So you now think there might be something inside my bag of tricks? Interesting. You reconsider after just over a full year passed? More interesting", the psychiatrist retorted. "It's your lucky day", the diagnostician shot back. "My lucky day would be the day you finally moved on", Nolan insisted, uncrossing his legs.
"Okay, let's begin. How's your pain?", the psychiatrist commenced the session. "Worse. I'm back on Vicodin", House confessed. "And you say it out loud, no hesitation, no attempt to lie, interesting", the other man observed. "How do you know I'm not lying about it?", the diagnostician quipped. "You came here intending to finally trust me and receive my advice. It wouldn't help you if you lied to me", Nolan parried the thrust.
-"Fair point", House mused.
-"So, you relapsed. Why? And when?"
-"Dumb question. I relapsed because I was in pain. As for when, it's not much time".
-"You were on ibuprofen for a year after getting out of Mayfield. Your pain levels had risen, yes, but not enough to make you relapse"
-"Until they did"
-"But it wasn't only your physical pain. Something else exacerbated your pain and you backslided".
-"You're now trying to find an excuse for me? Or, for you? Detox failed, meaning you failed"
-"Throwing the ball of blame around isn't a good idea, House"
-"You're saying that because you wanna avoid the mention of guilt, meaning you feel guilty for something"
-"It's not me who's the patient here"
-"Admit that you're feeling guilty for the way you've been handling my case"
-"What are we, boys playing and stealing each other's toys? Because that's how you're behaving right now"
-"Admit it! Admit it! Admit it!"
-"Fine, you have no real wish to get better. Gotta find something more productive to do". Nolan picked up a comic book and pretended to read it.
-"You're an ass"
-"Just picking a weapon from your own arsenal, annoying others"
-"You still aren't nurturing"
-"Why should I be? If you wanna get happy, get better, you gotta face some truths first. You do that on your patients, but don't like it when I do the same, for your benefit"
-"Fine. Drop this stupid comic book. Superman will save Lois Lane regardless"
-"So you have something to say to my question"
-"Yeah, I have. You wanna hear short version or long version?"
-"Whatever you feel like saying"
-"Short version. I broke up with Cuddy"
-"You and Cuddy were... together?"
-"Yeah"
-"That's interesting. Last time I saw you, she was moving in with the detective you'd hired"
-"That's ancient history"
-"And how did she end up with you?"
-"I was trying to move on"
-"So, you're saying she herself came to you?"
-"Yep. Remember the book her great-grandfather had written?"
-"The one you looked for like crazy after Alvie had sold to buy paint"
-"You said crazy? Maybe I'd better change psychiatrist"
-"It was harmless, House"
-"Okay. I wrote a dedication to both her and Lucas, the man-child she was dating"
-"That's unexpected"
-"Then we got involved in a medical emergency. A crane collapsed and..."
-"I don't need to listen to the diagnostic process"
-"You'd once said I should talk about whatever I felt like saying"
-"And then reminded you that some things are more relevant than other ones"
-"Fine. We were involved in this emergency. Among the patients there was a young woman, who..."
-"You really think this is important. I'm gonna oblige you"
-"The young woman, Hanna, had been crushed by debris. I'm not gonna bother you with diagnosis-related stuff, but Cuddy insisted we amputate her leg, I said no"
-"Were you thinking like a doctor?"
-"She accused me of projecting"
-"But were you?"
-"Medically speaking, it should be the last option"
-"And who backed down?"
-"I did"
-"New symptoms?"
-"If you count her lashing out as a symptom"
-"So, her words had such an effect. Interesting"
-"They haven't taught you any other words except interesting in school?"
-"You try to change topic, meaning you are not comfortable enough with what happened. And so we return to the question of guilt"
-"Last time it was you who didn't want to talk about guilt"
-"Because it's you who is the patient here. Go ahead, tell me what happened next"
-"It's full of diagnosis-related stuff"
-"I'm still gonna listen to it. Unless you prefer I go back to my comic book. Lex Luthor is hatching another master plan"
-"Screw him. I performed the amputation myself. Everybody else was listening as I butchered her. Amputation caused a fat embolism. She died"
-"And you blamed yourself? Why? You surely did everything to the best of your abilities"
-"That's the point! I did it all right, yet she died"
-"Same with Steve's case. You still try to fix instead of moving on. You still think your failures matter more than your successes"
-"I've told you already. Successes last until someone screws them up, failures last forever"
-"Why do you think people are gonna reject you no matter what you do?"
-"Wee thing called experience"
-"No, it's your interpretation of your experiences. You think you deserve to be rejected"
-"Wow, you're making it so dramatic"
-"Because that's what I see. From our first sessions, I knew you had a harsh childhood. And I know how people with a similar background react in such circumstances"
-"You really must have been a teacher's pet in school"
-"Those deflections won't help anyone of us, House"
-"But you must have been"
-"You try to deflect and avoid my conclusion, because being abused somehow makes you weak, that's your line of thought which is plainly wrong. And, being affected by this means that you have sentiments, there is something inside you beyond the rational brain you're so proud of"
-"Now, if you've finished with your Harlequin novel plot..."
-"House, what happened with your patient back then happened. You can't change it, and it's useless to blame yourself over it. Now, you tell me about Cuddy"
-"After I'd screwed up with Hanna, I went home. My leg was killing me, my only thought was getting some relief. My last two bottles of Vicodin were behind the mirror...", his voice trailed off.
-"And? You took the pills? Earlier you said that..."
-"She came to me. She prevented me from taking the pills. She said she wished she wouldn't love me, yet she did. And, oops"
-"So, you started that relationship in a state of emotional distress and physical pain, not to add that, on that moment, she was like a savior, a guardian angel, what you needed, what you hadn't received from other loved ones, like your mother, at the moments you were most vulnerable and in need of protection"
-"What the Hell are you implying?"
-"Did you, instinctively, think that the relationship was gonna last when you embarked on it?"
-"I asked you a question because I wanted an answer"
-"My question is your answer"
-"Who's deflecting now?"
-"What I'm implying, or, in fact, openly saying is that, were you not in that sorry state, and had she not made the first step, you wouldn't begin that relationship. You might instinctively know it, that's why I guessed you had the feeling it wasn't gonna last for long"
-"Second part, you hit bullseye"
-"And here is the crux of the matter. You had well-founded doubts over the success of the relationship. In spite of this, you clung to it"
-"And what would you expect me to do? Shoo her away?"
-"I'm not the one judging you. I'm the one trying to understand you"
-"Really? I don't think you're doing a good job at this"
-"But I'm right when I surmise that you did things you wouldn't normally do, for the sake of keeping the relationship alive"
House stood silent, looking at his shoes.
-"Your silence tells me more than any answer would've told me", Nolan remarked.
-"Among other things, I tried to enlist her adopted child in a prestigious school. Girl was as intelligent as paste sandwich. Strange, though, she could be adorable, especially when she tried to snack on my cane"
-"So, you really invested a lot in the relationship, because you felt the need of constantly proving yourself, afraid that if you didn't cater to her whims, she'd dump you"
-"She dumped me regardless"
-"That's news to me. I'd thought that it was you who pushed the relationship to its limits and terminated it"
-"And you were wrong"
-"I was and I admit it. Just like how you are wrong in a diagnosis before you have all the symptoms gathered on your whiteboard. Now, I want you to tell me about how it happened and your relationship with Cuddy failed"
-"One morning, she noticed blood in her urine. Everything showed it was cancer. I'm not gonna bother you with the diagnosis stuff, but that's what it seemed to be. It wasn't, luckily. I... I couldn't be with her, couldn't bring myself to do it. So, I took one pill. One single damn Vicodin. When she realized, she dumped me. I backslided on that night". House's breathing was erratic, his voice faltering.
-"Have a drink of water. Yes, like that. Smaller sips. Good. Why did you take the pill before your breakup? You didn't mention your leg, so I rule it out"
-"I didn't want to lose her. You know, it's not something I hadn't done before. When Wilson donated a lobe of his liver to that moron friend of his, Tucker, I couldn't bring myself to be there. If he died, I'd be alone. And I didn't want to believe this was gonna be the case"
-"But when it was about Wilson, you didn't need the pill. Because your friendship with him doesn't lead you to think you constantly need to prove yourself. In any case, how did she rationalize her decision to break up with you?"
-"She said I'm not willing to really make myself open to the pain and fear of other people. I said I could do better, but...", his voice trailed off and he obviously had trouble breathing normally.
Nolan rose from his office and brought the glass of water to House's lips. "Drink", he ordered. After he'd drunk, the psychiatrist returned to his desk, sitting on his chair again. "From what I understand, she kicked you out because she wanted to change you, having trouble to accept you for who you really are", he remarked.
-"She kicked me out 'cause I'm a pill-popping psychopath"
-"You're not! As your psychiatrist, I'm better qualified than anyone else to judge that!"
-"I screwed up, that's what I know. And, your word games aren't gonna make me feel better about it"
-"Word games? It's not mere word games. You've convinced yourself you deserve the worst, so, when it comes, you are in an I-told-you-so phase and become more reluctant to trust people. It's hard to break the cycle. But, I'm here to help you with this, if you really want to help yourself. The real question, House, is exactly this: do you want to be happy, as you said to me on our first session, or your constant setbacks have made you a completely resigned and defeated man?"
Upon completing his phrase, the psychiatrist rose again from his chair. "I have to go for five minutes. When I am back, I want an answer from you: will you be brave enough and trust me? No games, no subtexts, nothing of that sort. Just trust, straightforwardness and openness. I earnestly hope you will make the right decision", he said and left the room. The door closed behind House with a loud noise, soon to be replaced by the silence of the empty room.