CHAPTER 6: NOLAN, PART TWO
After five minutes had passed, the psychiatrist was back in his office. "Well", he said to his patient, "what is your decision?"
-"As if you don't suspect it already"
-"I want you to say it aloud"
-"How is that different from my insistence you admit your own guilt feelings for how you botched my case in the past?"
-"Say it aloud. This way, you gotta be less afraid of it"
-"I... I want to get happy. I wanted it, but..."
-"But you feel, you've always felt, you don't deserve it"
-"Misanthropic cripples aren't made to be happy"
-"Interesting that you always say 'cripple' instead of 'disabled'. Because you think you deserve being unhappy, you constantly berate yourself"
-"I say things as they are. I am a cripple, in case you haven't noticed my limp"
-"That makes you a disabled person. Your desire to punish yourself makes you call yourself a cripple"
-"Cure me with sunshine and puppies, then"
-"I'm trying to cure you with the truth"
-"Since you want truths, let's say some truths about you. You care so much about my case, because it reminds you of your stupidities. You screwed up at some point and ended up without friends, no one to care for you. You think that, if you save me, you will have saved yourself. But, no, you won't have saved yourself"
-"You project your anger at me. Logical"
-"You try to make me look like a saint. Or, better, like a poor unfortunate you can heal. But, it's all about you, not about me as a person or as a patient"
-"You still don't trust people. It's part of the same vicious cycle I outlined before. You think you deserve to be rejected and, when it happens, this reinforces your belief that people are not to be trusted"
-"Last time you told me to trust people. And went so well that I've now backslided on Vicodin"
-"Trusting the wrong people doesn't mean all people are not to be trusted"
-"Humanity is overrated"
-"Maybe yes, maybe no. But, before convincing yourself you're gonna get hurt one way or another, try to really trust people"
-"Why?"
-"Because it's up to you to break the walls of isolation you've closed yourself behind. I understand why you have trust issues, because the people each of us trusts the most, I mean parents, abused you or tolerated abuse being levelled at you"
-"Yeah, my daddy issues explain everything"
-"Your sarcastic tone aside, you inherited one thing from your father"
-"He wasn't my biological father. And, before you react like Wilson did, a DNA test has proven he wasn't my dad"
-"Your mother's husband then. You inherited his resentment towards yourself. And if your father had any suspicion of his wife's infidelity, this explains why he was abusive towards you"
-"If I'm here just to listen to what I already knew about my crappy family..."
-"You need to listen to what I have to say! All your self-destructive habits, your low self-esteem, your belief that failures matter more than successes, they stem wholly or partly from the abuse you suffered. Your lack of trust towards others is also explained in the same vein. The worst, however, is that, if someone appears to genuinely care for you, your reaction is to push them away, because you fear you're gonna end up betrayed again"
-"Is that your story, as well? Oh, crap, it's not. Your dad never forced you to sleep outside or take ice-cold showers or..."
-"Yes? Complete the sentence. If you say it aloud, you will be able to come to grips with it"
-"Or regularly beat you if you arrived back home past your curfew and for anything else he viewed as wrong"
-"The fact that you opened up about this is a good step"
-"Congrats. You've made me feel like crap by reminding me of what I didn't wish to remember"
-"Meds tend to be bitter, but they make you healthy"
-"Spare me your witticisms"
-"Your reaction confirms my conclusions. I'm trying to help you, but you don't know if you can trust me. But, what I want to hear is, how are you coping with your breakup? Apart from backsliding"
-"Staying in a luxury hotel suite, pulling pranks but not managing to find any excitement, involving myself in a felony, generally falling apart, typical stuff"
-"Because all those things you said are typical. Elaborate more on the felony"
Instead of giving a verbal answer, House showed him the wedding ring on his finger. "What does this mean?"
-"When you see a ring like this, what do you understand?"
-"You're a married man now?"
-"Congrats. You found out"
-"And how is this a felony?"
-"Green card marriage. Dominika- that's her name- gets a fake husband she needs for the scheme to succeed, I get a live-in maid, cook, massage therapist... The arrangement saves me thousands of dollars"
-"And you expect me to buy it?"
-"Buy it or not, that's what happened"
-"You try to present it as a selfish decision on your part"
-"Just a mutually beneficial deal"
-"But your... benefits don't include satisfaction of your needs"
-"Our prenup included it, I just don't sleep with married women"
-"With the exception she's married to you. And it didn't matter that Lydia was married when she kissed you and you enjoyed it"
-"You weren't exactly supportive of my relationship with Lydia"
-"She was married, you institutionalized, and furthermore your encounter took place under a huge emotional strain. If I were to speak frankly, it resembles, in some aspects, the commencement of your relationship with Cuddy"
-"And how is my felony of a marriage different?"
-"You try to debase it so much, ergo it means something to you. She must be treating you kindly"
-"On our- how to say it- wedding night, I had extreme pain in my leg. She gave me a massage and stayed awake all night. She's a qualified aesthetician and pastry chef, you know"
-"And you tried to push her away, your expression is like an open book"
-"That's the right thing. After all, it's only a thing of convenience. Once her papers arrive, she's gonna file for divorce and drink to the health of the sucker she found as a gullible accomplice"
-"And you completely rule out the possibility she's not seeing it like that?"
-"Probability says so. What on Earth would a young, hot, smart girl find in a fifty-year-old horribly screwed up guy?"
-"She could have any man she wanted, is that your implication?"
-"Yes"
-"However, she chose you. Don't you think it's important?"
-"Yeah, it shows she knows how the game is played"
-"You rationalize, because you can't bring yourself to consider the other option"
-"What are you trying to do? Hook me up with a stranger whom I, in a moment of stupidity, let into my apartment?"
-"More rationalization. You were emotional, yes, but..."
-"Still, stupidity"
-"Emotion isn't stupidity. Your subconscious was trying to tell you something when you decided to get involved in this"
-"I did that only to get back at Cuddy for dumping me"
-"That rings like Wilson to me"
-"So what?"
-"You accepted his explanation because it fits with the image you have for yourself. You can't admit having sentiments for her and you want to present yourself as selfish, because this will, supposedly, make you feel less hurt when you are gonna get rejected, or so you think"
-"And you know better..."
-"You resort to sarcasm, because you see I'm getting it right"
-"I resort to sarcasm, because you're talking about yourself now. You screwed up with the only woman you really fell for and you're projecting"
-"Wanna know something? Yes, I did! I did because, being the smart know-it-all, I failed to see what was right under my nose, too busy with my obsessions! If I'm projecting, it's because I see the basic similarity between you and me. I failed the test and now it's too late for me, but it's still not too late for you"
-"I was right, then. You want to save me because this would make you feel like you saved yourself"
-"Haven't you felt closer to some patients of yours? You have, undoubtedly. Because they reminded you of yourself, because you saw some analogies. Same here"
-"You're fond of those analogies"
-"And you are fond of trying to avoid any discussion when it comes to trusting people. You can't be happy if you don't learn to trust people"
-"And this comes from a guy whose advice I followed for a year and I remained unhappy, while everybody around me was moving on"
-"I've already acknowledged my mistakes. It's now your turn to acknowledge your trust issues and try to really move on. Don't hold on to the past"
-"Why should I try something new? Changes are bad"
-"Some changes are bad, some changes are good. You can't know if you don't try, at least"
-"Try a thing that logic says is doomed from the beginning? Doesn't look much sane, no?"
-"Sometimes logic retreats before emotion. And, if you insist we stay strictly in the confines of logic, isn't it logical for a woman to feel something for a man, especially an intelligent man?"
-"She... She said she really likes me"
-"And you choose to ignore such an open bona fide statement?"
-"You sound so sure. Were you there?"
-"Let's tackle it from another angle. You think her only objective is to obtain her card. Fine. If that is correct, why would she tell you she likes you? Why take care of your sore leg? Why watch over you throughout the night? You speak of logic, but you aren't following the mechanisms of logic"
-"The girl you fell for, but was too late, she'd told you she liked you and you ignored her. You're making it about you again"
-"It's not relevant, but no, she didn't tell me outright. She insisted on doing me small favors, like bringing me treats. Your case is actually easier than mine. What you have to do is trust that she has good intentions and wants to be with you"
-"You suggest I... I act like an immature moron and say stupid things people say to each other when they think they are in love?"
-"I suggest you show her what she means for you. Even if it's something commonplace or boring by your standards"
-"I gotta give it to her, she is kind, hot, fun, witty... I hadn't thought of it before, but she's a lot like Wilson. Wait, I actually thought of it last night, or the night before that"
-"So, you basically admit you do have feelings for her and don't want to lose her"
-"And every time I wanted to keep someone close, I ended up getting dumped", House practically spat the words out.
-"Some relationships you sabotaged, pushing them to the limit because you feared being rejected. Your most recent failed relationship, however, was actually a cruel rejection, judging by your version of events, and one you entered both because of the weak situation you were when it began and because of your long-standing desire for that woman. When I'd advised you, back when you got out of Mayfield, not to return to your old job, it was what I feared the most, namely that the strain of having to stay clear, combined with your unrequited feelings for Lisa Cuddy would lead you..."
-"To screw up"
-"Deeper into the vicious cycle. I was wrong when I thought that retaining your job would negatively affect you, but as it seems I was right about the perils of a relationship with the specific person"
-"And your new advice is...?"
-"The same I'd given you last time. Move on. With your wife, you have a chance. You like her and I think she likes you, too, judging from what I've heard from you about her words and deeds. You deserve happiness, House. And maybe your best chance is being with her for real"
-"And if it ends up like... Like the other relationships?"
-"We will face it, if it comes to that. It's worth the effort, House. Get happy, get better", the psychiatrist concluded.
House sighed deeply. He rose from his chair, looking at Nolan directly in the eyes. "That session certainly went better than last time", he said. "Certainly. I really hope that, when I hear from you again, you will have made a great step towards happiness. Good day, House", Nolan responded. "Good day, Nolan", the diagnostician answered. He limped out of the office and the building, feeling much better than before. Yes, it certainly was worth the effort to see how things could play out with Dominika. Enjoying the feeling of the wind whipping against his face, Gregory House had made his decision: he'd buy her a red rose from that Japanese florist near his home. He exhaled audibly as he mounted his motorcycle, heading for his workplace